o_19kdfsn0q18e31dfraas1esh19vta.pdf

When Elizabeth first read through the letter, she rejected the contents completely...then, on a second
reading, she was mortified to discover that Darcy actually had some very good points. Darcy too
was outraged at Elizabeth's condemnation of his character, and it not until after a long and bitter
searching of the soul that he accepted she had been right about him. Eventually, the nasty
experience resulted in a permanent resolution to their problems.
One final note on conflict. The INTJ's argumentative streak can be particularly daunting for a
feeler, and their partner may choose to suppress their anger rather than go through the even worse
aggravation of fighting about it. By contrast, when an INTJ is engaged in a conflict, they will be
blunt and straightforward in expressing their concerns—assuming they decide to say anything at all
about them. A conflict-shy partner may need encouragement to express their views.
Contracting
Suppose that your partner has what you would consider an unreasonable expectation of you—i.e.
getting out of the house more to attend social gatherings. Or suppose that you have mutually
incompatible desires. Or suppose your partner has vague expectations that you “spend more time
with them” but you have the sinking suspicion that they expect you to feed a black hole.
One solution to these scenarios is contracting. 127 This is where husband and wife work out a deal
where each party agrees to give in to some of the other's needs in exchange for specific reciprocal
advantages. The terms of the contract are spelled out exactly. For example, what about “getting out
of the house,” an activity which often entails too much chitchat with strangers for the INTJ's taste?
From the extravert's perspective, it may seem like the INTJ doesn't care about them enough to do
things with them, while from the INTJ's perspective, it seems unfair that they should be forced to do
something they find unenjoyable.
The INTJ could simply engage their willpower and refuse the extravert, or the extravert could nag
and complain until the INTJ relents. But this is not a recipe for a harmonious relationship. If either
party got what they wanted, the result would be to leave the other party feeling unsatisfied and
uncared about. A better outcome is for each person to compromise and get half of what they want,
while receiving equal concessions from their partner.
For starters, the nebulous idea of “getting out of the house” could be clarified into a list of specifics:
going to visit friends the extravert knows but the INTJ doesn't, going to visit close mutual
acquaintances, going to visit family members, going to impersonal public events like the movies,
etc. Or, the idea of "avoiding too much socialization with strangers" could be clarified into staying
home on weekends or certain weekdays, inviting people over less often, keeping guest lists short,
etc. The goal is to convert a vague pie-in-the-sky wish list into a list of actual, physical, measurable
wants.
Chances are that some of these things will seem more or less tolerable to each party. Maybe the
INTJ doesn't really mind visiting family members. Maybe the Extravert is okay with not having
friends over on weekdays. This leads to the next step: contracting. Each party will want to think
about the other's list and decide upon which favors they would be most willing to concede. The
idea is to work out a list of items which, taken as a whole, will have desirable advantages for both.
Further refinements to the contract will deal with questions like “How many days per week shall
company come over?” or “Which kinds of social gatherings will be included in the two-nights-outtogether-per-week
we agreed upon?” or “If I answer the telephone from now on, could we have one
extra night out together?”
127 Kroeger & Thuesen, 1994