o_19kdfsn0q18e31dfraas1esh19vta.pdf

emarried than average, and also had more domestic trouble than average. And yet, both INT types
have a reputation for never getting married. Isn't that interesting? You can't always trust
stereotypes.
INTJs tend to make loyal mates; in fact, all TJ types rated the "fidelity" as their most important
relationship satisfier. 123, 124 As judgers, they are also less likely to divorce than perceivers. 125
Conflict
During conflict, INTJs try to retain the appearance of calmness—whatever they may actually be
feeling. Elizabeth and Darcy had a short but intense fight after Elizabeth turned down Darcy's
marriage proposal with a witty put down. Observe Darcy's response to Elizabeth's first salvo: "His
complexion became pale with anger, and the disturbance of his mind was visible in every feature.
He was struggling for the appearance of composure, and would not open his lips till he believed
himself to have attained it. ...At length, with a voice of forced calmness..."
In the course of the fight, Elizabeth managed to vent all her concerns thoroughly, while Darcy
listened without interrupting. (INTJs are good listeners provided that the speaker isn't making small
talk.) Darcy, however, did not vent his side of the story. In fact, the fight ended with him stalking
off, leaving the issues Elizabeth had brought up unresolved. As he explained this behavior, "You
may possibly wonder why all this was not told you last night; but I was not then master enough of
myself to know what could or ought to be revealed."
Issues that are left undiscussed at length are a particular problem for introverts, especially if both
partners favor this preference. 126 By hiding their growing irritation, introverts actually prolong their
grudges. (I should note that being conflict averse is not necessarily a bad thing. People who avoid
making a fuss over the occasional, temporary bumps and bruises of life have smoother sailing than
those who raise an outcry over each offense. It is only when the same offenses are repeated over
and over that conflict aversion becomes a nonfunctional strategy.)
However, INTJs do have one thing on their side in this regard: they are thinkers. Thinkers
understand that conflict may be unpleasant, but it can also be the first step in draining a festering
wound. For feelers, conflict is much more painful, and therefore they seek more strongly to avoid
it. If conflict were band-aids, thinkers would favor ripping the band-aid off in one swift, agonizing
yank, while the feelers would prefer to pull it up little by little.
Fortunately, when the fight was over, Darcy took up pen and paper and wrote out a lengthy reply
that addressed Elizabeth's criticisms in depth. A letter can be a good way for an introvert to tell
their side of the story thoroughly and without interruption. One caution however: "When I wrote
that letter," replied Darcy, "I believed myself perfectly calm and cool, but I am since convinced that
it was written in a dreadful bitterness of spirit." It's probably a good idea to hang onto the letter for
a day to make sure the wording conveys what you intended. If you've ever posted an argument on
the internet, you will doubtless appreciate this principle.
123 Tieger & Barron-Tieger, 2000
124 There is a chart on pg. 315 of Tieger & Barron-Tieger's book which implies (but does not say directly) that INTJs
value "Fidelity" the least of all types. It shows that 73% of INTJs believe that "fidelity" is the most important
value in a relationship, while 88% of ESTJs believe it was the most important value, with the ESTJs being the
implied most fidelity-valuing type and INTJs the implied least fidelity-valuing type. This is curious, since
"fidelity" was the INTJ's highest ranked value, while it did not even make the ENTP's top seven list. Since I'm not
sure how to reconcile these two facts, I decided to leave this statistic uninterpreted. At any rate, INTJs do not have
a reputation for hopping from partner to partner like the ENTPs and ESTPs do.
125 Discovery Reveals Partner Satisfaction Through Myers Briggs Types, n.d.
126 Kroeger & Thuesen, 1994