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emarried than average, and also had more domestic trouble than average. And yet, both INT types<br />
have a reputation for never getting married. Isn't that interesting? You can't always trust<br />
stereotypes.<br />
INTJs tend to make loyal mates; in fact, all TJ types rated the "fidelity" as their most important<br />
relationship satisfier. 123, 124 As judgers, they are also less likely to divorce than perceivers. 125<br />
Conflict<br />
During conflict, INTJs try to retain the appearance of calmness—whatever they may actually be<br />
feeling. Elizabeth and Darcy had a short but intense fight after Elizabeth turned down Darcy's<br />
marriage proposal with a witty put down. Observe Darcy's response to Elizabeth's first salvo: "His<br />
complexion became pale with anger, and the disturbance of his mind was visible in every feature.<br />
He was struggling for the appearance of composure, and would not open his lips till he believed<br />
himself to have attained it. ...At length, with a voice of forced calmness..."<br />
In the course of the fight, Elizabeth managed to vent all her concerns thoroughly, while Darcy<br />
listened without interrupting. (INTJs are good listeners provided that the speaker isn't making small<br />
talk.) Darcy, however, did not vent his side of the story. In fact, the fight ended with him stalking<br />
off, leaving the issues Elizabeth had brought up unresolved. As he explained this behavior, "You<br />
may possibly wonder why all this was not told you last night; but I was not then master enough of<br />
myself to know what could or ought to be revealed."<br />
Issues that are left undiscussed at length are a particular problem for introverts, especially if both<br />
partners favor this preference. 126 By hiding their growing irritation, introverts actually prolong their<br />
grudges. (I should note that being conflict averse is not necessarily a bad thing. People who avoid<br />
making a fuss over the occasional, temporary bumps and bruises of life have smoother sailing than<br />
those who raise an outcry over each offense. It is only when the same offenses are repeated over<br />
and over that conflict aversion becomes a nonfunctional strategy.)<br />
However, INTJs do have one thing on their side in this regard: they are thinkers. Thinkers<br />
understand that conflict may be unpleasant, but it can also be the first step in draining a festering<br />
wound. For feelers, conflict is much more painful, and therefore they seek more strongly to avoid<br />
it. If conflict were band-aids, thinkers would favor ripping the band-aid off in one swift, agonizing<br />
yank, while the feelers would prefer to pull it up little by little.<br />
Fortunately, when the fight was over, Darcy took up pen and paper and wrote out a lengthy reply<br />
that addressed Elizabeth's criticisms in depth. A letter can be a good way for an introvert to tell<br />
their side of the story thoroughly and without interruption. One caution however: "When I wrote<br />
that letter," replied Darcy, "I believed myself perfectly calm and cool, but I am since convinced that<br />
it was written in a dreadful bitterness of spirit." It's probably a good idea to hang onto the letter for<br />
a day to make sure the wording conveys what you intended. If you've ever posted an argument on<br />
the internet, you will doubtless appreciate this principle.<br />
123 Tieger & Barron-Tieger, 2000<br />
124 There is a chart on pg. 315 of Tieger & Barron-Tieger's book which implies (but does not say directly) that INTJs<br />
value "Fidelity" the least of all types. It shows that 73% of INTJs believe that "fidelity" is the most important<br />
value in a relationship, while 88% of ESTJs believe it was the most important value, with the ESTJs being the<br />
implied most fidelity-valuing type and INTJs the implied least fidelity-valuing type. This is curious, since<br />
"fidelity" was the INTJ's highest ranked value, while it did not even make the ENTP's top seven list. Since I'm not<br />
sure how to reconcile these two facts, I decided to leave this statistic uninterpreted. At any rate, INTJs do not have<br />
a reputation for hopping from partner to partner like the ENTPs and ESTPs do.<br />
125 Discovery Reveals Partner Satisfaction Through Myers Briggs Types, n.d.<br />
126 Kroeger & Thuesen, 1994