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So Darcy enjoyed Elizabeth's clever mind as expressed through her wit. He also liked her
independence—she wasn't trying to impress or flatter him into loving her. (As we shall see in the
section on how not to court an INTJ, Darcy suffered much from fawning attempts to court him.)
Courtship
Mate Selection
Keirsey observed that INTJs are probably the most systematic of all types regarding their selection
of a mate. 119 They sort through the "possibilities" logically and methodically until they find
someone whom they feel may be a prospect. Nor will they waste time on those who don't meet
their carefully defined list of desirable characteristics.
INTJs (particularly females) seek a mate who will accept them for who they are without trying to
change them. All types like this of course--who wants to be Pygmalioned?--but the INs particularly
value acceptance because society tries to very hard to conform them to the norm. A potential
partner who likes and enjoys the INTJ's unique personality will make an immediate impression on
them.
Initiation and Advances
INTJs can be slow to open up. The walls take a long time to come down, for INTJs are guarded and
cautious about revealing their innermost selves. (Many intimacy-seeking NFs have expressed
particular delight in reaching this phase in a relationship with an INTJ; the intimacy is especially
treasured because it took so long to extract.) Since INTJs are creatures of thought more than
creatures of emotion, it can take them awhile to figure out what they are feeling. It is best not to
push too hard during this initial phase; they need time to analyze themselves.
The socially not-too-adept INTJ may also have a hard time figuring out if someone else is trying to
initiate courtship with them. (“They touched me. Does it mean something? Should I touch them
back? How? When?”) And then there's the holding hands and kissing part, which they will tend to
let the other person initiate. Flirting does not come naturally or easily to an INTJ. Subtle clues or
hints from a prospective mate may fall on deaf ears.
If an INTJ says something about the relationship, i.e. "I don't know how I feel," the statement can
be taken at face value. INTJs are a frank bunch and see little point in playing hard to get. Ironically
enough, when an INTJ does fall in love, they turn the full might of their observational and
analytical powers upon their loved one, attempting to learn as much about them as possible. At this
point they are like one giant ear.
INTJs can also have difficulty broadcasting their attraction to others, for their expressions can be
very subtle. One of the first things that Elizabeth noticed was that Darcy was "often standing within
a very short distance of her, quite disengaged, [though] he never came near enough to speak."
Darcy would eavesdrop on her conversations so that he could find something to discuss with her at
a later date. He found ways to spend time in her company, though he did not give the impression
that he did it because he enjoyed her presence. Indeed, one of Elizabeth's friends, wondering why
he came by the house, observed that, "It could not be for society, as he frequently sat there ten
minutes together without opening his lips; and when he did speak, it seemed the effect of necessity
rather than of choice—a sacrifice to propriety, not a pleasure to himself. He seldom appeared really
119 Keirsey, 1998