PASE WISE FEB 07 - Guru Gobind Singh Study Circle

Family Matters
Parenting in Joint Families
Is a joint family a happy family?
Commercial Hindi cinema has painted a saccharine sweet
picture of families in the mind of the public. The audience is
familiar with images of benevolent parents, brothers and sisters
and their spouses that display cloying affection towards each other
and who are willing to sacrifice their happiness for the sake of the
family. Even if there is a black sheep in the fold, at the end of three
hours he has realized the error of his ways and all is forgiven. But
one only has to read the papers to shatter this illusion. Dowry
deaths, property disputes, domestic violence, sexual and mental
abuse... While this would be an extreme view, as these are family
problems, not necessarily joint family problems, the fact is that the
joint family is definitely not all joy and laughter. It would be
unrealistic to expect it to be so.
Who's the boss?
Another problem is that there are too many authority
figures in joint families. Sometimes, grandparents undermine the
mother's authority because they feel that they have more
experience in raising children. They pass adverse remarks to the
mother in front of the children like, "You don't know how to handle
children..." As a result, the mother feels suppressed, depressed and
frustrated. She, in turn, takes her frustration out on her children,
which affects the overall development of the child. In Dr.
Mehrotra's opinion, "Children become very manipulative. They
become the master players of the game. They learn how to get
exactly what they want by playing the elders off against each
other."
What is most important is that there should be agreement
between the authority figures on disciplining the child. For
instance, even if the grandparents do not agree with the mother on
certain issues, they should not discuss these things in front of the
children. Very often, grandparents pull up a mother for
reprimanding her child. What they should do is back her up so that
the child is aware that he has done something wrong. Otherwise,
the child will always be in the right according to someone's
standards. They should sort out their differences in the absence of
the child.
Generation gap is another important factor to be taken into
consideration. The needs and expectations of the younger
generation are constantly changing. The fact remains that there are
no standards and rules written in stone as far as parenting is
concerned. Now, in joint families, members of the older generation,
If you would create something, you must be something.
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Dr. Sushma Mehrotra
Psychologist
tend to lay down the law in an
autocratic fashion. The authority
figures need to operate in a
democratic fashion and make an
attempt to bridge the generation gap.
They must try to update their
knowledge about the lifestyle of the
younger generation and not
constantly pass judgement on their
activities. They must realize that
times change and the way things were
done in their time may not work any
more. Everything cannot be seen in
black and white. If they insist on being
rigid, they will just distance
themselves from their children and
grandchildren. There will be a
breakdown in communication and the
elders will find that they are slowly
becoming marginalized in the family.
There should be respect and concern
for each other's feelings rather than a
constant battle for supremacy and
authority.
Everyone knows how difficult
family relations are in general.
Nuclear families sometimes find it
hard to maintain cordial relations.
One would probably think that in joint
families with so many people and so
many vested interests, maintaining
family harmony must be an uphill
task. Dr. Mehrotra feels that as far as
problems are concerned she would
definitely not say that there are more
problems in joint families and less in
nuclear families. Some people have
difficulty dealing with other people
and such people will face problems
wherever they go. For a joint family
system to work, the members will
have to learn to adjust, to overcome
their petty jealousies, to develop
mutual respect between the
generations, and to learn to give each
other space.
Courtesy : Ideas Exchange
February 2007
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