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180 CITY OF GOD
justification for thus incurring the calamity of losing God
forever?" Saint John replied: "My
Mother and Mis
tress, if thy sorrow is occasioned by those two apostates,
thou must know that among so many there must be un
faithful servants; for even in our apostolate itself was
numbered Judas, a disciple in the school of our Redeem
er and Teacher." "O John,"
answered the queen,
"if God
himself wished the perdition of some souls, I should be
able to restrain my sorrow; but, though He permits the
damnation of the reprobate since they themselves seek it,
this is not the absolute will of the divine goodness; He
wishes all to attain salvation, if only they would not of
their own free will resist. That not all should be predes
tined and gain the fruit of the blood shed for them, has
cost my Son the sweating of blood. And if even now He
could be aggrieved for a soul that damns itself, He would
doubtlessly be more aggrieved than if He had again to
suffer for it. Hence I, who know this truth and am still
living in the flesh, rightfully feel what my Son desires
to feel if it were possible." By these and other words of
the Mother of mercy saint John was moved to tears and
lamentations, in which he joined with Her for a con
siderable time.
INSTRUCTION WHICH THE QUEEN OF HEAVEN, MOST
BLESSED MARY, GAVE ME.
177. My daughter, since in this chapter thou hast par
ticularly learnt of the matchless and bitter sorrow, with
which I bewailed the perdition of souls, thou thyself must
learn also what thou must do for the salvation of thy
own and that of others in order to imitate me in the per
fection which I require of thee. No torment, nor death
itself, would I have refused, if such had been neces-
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