If I kept it to myself - World YWCA

If I kept it to myself
Fikile Tengetile Dlamini
I continued to tell people about HIV and my experiences
because I wanted them to start talking and face the
reality in their own community.
My name is Fikile Dlamini. I became involved in
work on HIV and AIDS after I tested HIV positive
in 1990. When I was 14 years old, I was in a
relationship. After my first sexual encounter, I say
that I got “the three in one” meaning he broke
my virginity, gave me HIV and got me pregnant”
Three months later I had herpes zoster and
abscesses and was admitted to hospital. They
did an HIV test without my consent. I had no idea
what the ‘HIV positive’ on the card hanging on
my bedside meant, but I noticed the change in
attitude from the nurses. Before my diagnosis I
had been the nurses’ favourite patient but after
the test, with the exception of two nurses, no
one would come close to me. When they had to
administer my medication they would just push
it to me. I was unable to tell my parents, and
instead, I talked to my cousin about what had
happened.
My situation was difficult as I knew no one else
living with HIV and was desperate to meet
another HIV positive person. At that time there
were no positive messages anywhere; the only
posters that were available would show a fat lady
captioned ‘before’, followed by a very skinny lady
captioned ‘after’, and then it showed a coffin that
meant you get HIV and you simply die!
After I left the hospital, I went to The AIDS
Information & Support Centre (TASC) to confirm
my HIV status. Indeed, I was HIV positive. I was
troubled, being young and having no one to talk
to. I didn’t know where or how to meet other
people living with HIV. For years I felt alone and
confused. In 1992, I gave birth to my second
child and I was even more troubled than before
thinking of death every moment of my life and
having no way of protecting myself. During this
82
time I decided to commit myself to listening to
the radio shows presented by TASC on HIV
and AIDS. Through my troubled times God was
working out a plan for me – a hopeful life was to
come.
It so happened that my sister’s daughter was
having the same problems as me. She went
to deliver her child at the same hospital as I
had been admitted to. She was also forced to
have a HIV test and it came back positive. She
too couldn’t cope with her HIV status, and my
family asked me to take care of her, although
they did not know what was wrong with her.
Coincidentally, she lived only a few kilometres
from TASC. I moved into her house and this
gave me a chance to visit TASC almost every
day. Both my niece and I didn’t know about each
other’s status, we kept it confidential.
In the meantime, I became a full time volunteer
with TASC. I was trained on HIV counselling
but I would become even more desperate each
time I saw someone else struggling with living
with HIV. “Is she HIV positive?” I would ask the
other counsellors whenever someone left their
office. I was always reminded of confidentiality,
but my heart would sink at the thought. I started
watching videos on HIV and AIDS and they
helped me to understand the issue better and to
remain calm. Gradually, I became empowered
by the information I was receiving and I decided I
wanted to start a support group for people living
with HIV and AIDS (PLWHA).
I shared my idea with one of the counsellors at
TASC and she referred me to the TASC Director.
Surprisingly, the director had the same thought
but no one had been willing to tell others that