If I kept it to myself - World YWCA

If I kept it to myself
Asunta Wagura
It took me several months to come to terms with the
bitter truth and the reality. ... At the beginning I was
in shock, then anger, anger mounted to heartbreak,
heartbreak to grief, grief to surrender and, finally,
acceptance.
Since 1984 when the first case of AIDS was
discovered in Kenya, it remained a mystery.
Those suspected to be infected were taken to
be sexually immoral members of the community.
There was so much fear and stigma and people
were dying miserably, without support from their
families, hospital staff and the community at
large. Religious leaders were up in arms that HIV
positive people were sinners and fornicators, who
were responsible for other people’s suffering.
In fact, they had only themselves to blame for
their suffering and they deserved what they were
going through.
The single hardest day of my life was in 1988,
when I heard with my own ears, “Asunta, I am
sorry, you have AIDS”. I was told that I had six
months to live. Everybody including the pastor
and my own family were preparing for my death.
I did not fear dying from the disease, but I feared
living with the truth. It took me several months to
come to terms with the bitter truth and the reality.
I kept saying, “it isn’t possible! This can’t be real!
It can’t be me.” Many times I wished I were in
a dream. For three miserable and dark years,
I suffered the faces of agony. At the beginning
I was in shock, then anger, anger mounted to
heartbreak, heartbreak to grief, grief to surrender
and, finally, acceptance.
Once I had accepted the truth, I expected
everyone else would accept it too. I was wrong.
It turned out that instead, I received rejection,
isolation, anger and humiliation. I was not at all
prepared that everyone who loved me would go
through the same issues. This however did not
stop me. I had a duty towards Kenyans and the
whole world. I did not choose to be infected with
this dreaded AIDS virus.
80
As cofounder of KENWA, my mission has been
to ensure that nobody experiences the same
stigma and isolation I faced when I tested HIV
positive. In my endeavours, I preach compassion,
dignity, courage, awareness of risk, the need for
unity among people infected with HIV, and the
promise of hope. I want others to realise that
this virus can infect anyone and that those living
with it are no less human. It is for this reason
that I have gone public, and I am willing to be a
living example to others. No matter what others
say about me, I need not make myself a victim.
I detest the term “AIDS Victim”, which is at times
used to describe me.
It was against this background that in 1993 four
women and myself, all living with HIV and AIDS
started a meeting group. We decided the time
was ripe for us to do something about our HIV
status and that of the wider community. We felt,
especially as infected women, that we had to do
something to protect our children from what we
were experiencing.
Little did we realise that we were about to start a
chain reaction reaching deep into communities
and creating hope for other people living with the
infection. Consequently, we gained recognition
and respect that further boosted us to push for
registration of a non-governmental organisation:
Kenya Network Of Women With Aids (KENWA) in
1998.
By creating this organisation, we knew that at
long last we had a platform to air our views, our
pain of being discriminated against, stigmatised
and isolated. It also served as a forum to further
seek acceptance and solidarity from our families,
relatives and community in coping with infection