If I kept it to myself - World YWCA

If I kept it to myself
Belinda Ngwadzai
People do not want to accept that HIV really exists until
it comes knocking on their door.
My name is Belinda Ngwadzai, a 21-year-old
woman from Zimbabwe. I have been HIV positive
for the past seven years.
I was orphaned when I was very young so I
had to go and live with my uncle and aunt.
Being the eldest in the new family, I would
sometimes have to look after the other children
while my aunt went to South Africa to sell
clothes. One evening my uncle abused me
and that is when it all started. My sexual
abuse became a police case and I had to go
through the motions of a rape victim. Although
the medical examinations revealed that I
was not pregnant, time was to reveal a much
worse lifetime sentence to bear. I discovered
that my uncle infected me with the HIV virus
as well as syphilis. I was given antibiotics for
two weeks. I visited a family support clinic
for abused children where I had to go for
regular checkups and counselling. The signs
of the STD disappeared before I had finished
my medication, but I was told to finish all my
medication as it could reoccur.
That was at the tender age of 14, when I didn’t
yet know much about HIV and AIDS. I was taken
to The Centre (an organisation for people living
with HIV and AIDS) for nutritional guidance,
stress management and post-test counselling.
After the result of my test, I was suicidal because
I thought I was going to die, but the counselling
changed my mind. I now have a lot of hope
and that is what I am giving to others who may
have already lost it. Lynde Francis (Director and
Founder, The Centre) and Esther Guzha (Chief
Counsellor, The Centre) helped me come to
terms with my status. I could see their strength
and I envied them.
64
I had been very close to my aunt before
contracting HIV. However, after testing HIV
positive, she started to stigmatise me, as she
believed that I was the one who infected her
husband. Her children would ask so many
questions but she would never respond. My uncle
was sentenced to eight years in prison. Once
he was imprisoned, my aunt left for her rural
home with her kids, but without me. I remained in
Harare with my extended family. After attending
a few support group meetings, I decided to
disclose my status to the rest of my family. We
had discussed the possible consequences after
the disclosure and how to handle them in the
group. My extended family members were very
supportive and I felt loved. I realised that people
understand you better when they know your
status. During the first few days no one wanted to
share anything with me due to lack of knowledge
about HIV. I used to go to The Centre to collect
some books about HIV and AIDS for everyone to
read.
I felt a lot of pain and loneliness when I was told
the test result. This made me decide to disclose
my status to other young people. I joined a
youth programme called ‘Choose Life’ (an NGO
started by Sophie Dilmitis) where we went to
private schools and talked about HIV and AIDS.
Youth have many misconceptions and questions
regarding the basics of HIV and AIDS, positive
living, and PLWHA. During our school visits, we
mostly discuss sexual and reproductive health
issues. As I was still in school, I did voluntary
work during the holidays.
After I finished my ‘O’ levels I went to the
Connect Institute of Systematic Therapy, an
NGO that offers training on counselling, therapy