o_19d7snp8t1oea15s3s6lad2158ka.pdf

No-Tears
Sleeping Through The Night
Gentle techniques to help your baby sleep through the night consistently
by Heidi Holvoet
Baby-Sleep-Advice.com
Contact
e-publish@baby-sleep-advice.com
Copyright notice
Copyright 2012 by Heidi Holvoet – Baby-Sleep-Advice.com
All rights reserved.
Disclaimer
All content in this book is for information purposes only. The author is not a medical professional and does not give medical advice.
Always use your own judgment and contact your doctor or health adviser if you have any concern about your child's health.

Table of Contents
Preface 5
Chapter 1. Introduction 7
Sleeping through the night is … 8
What to expect 10
Chapter 2. Three steps to longer nights 12
Chapter 3. Step 1 – Set up the basics 14
A relaxed atmosphere 14
Act confidently 16
Avoid over-stimulation 18
Avoid stimulating food 19
A pleasant and safe place to sleep 20
A good day/night rhythm 21
A bedtime routine 24
A well-adapted sleep schedule 26
Chapter 4. Step 2 – Understand why she wakes 31
Hungry 31
In danger 35
Too hot or too cold 37
Too dark or too light 40
Too much noise or too silent 42
A wet diaper 44
Lost pacifier 46
Separation anxiety 49
A night terror 51
A nightmare 53
Teething – Reflux – Not well 56
Uncomfortable when lying on the back 59
Unable to self soothe 62
Stuck in a sleep pattern 64
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Comfort 66
Chapter 5. Step 3 – Use the right techniques 68
Getting started 69
Self soothing techniques 71
Option 1. From nursing to sleep to self soothing 72
Option 2. From holding to sleep to self soothing 75
Option 3. Toddler self soothing 79
Weaning from night feeds 83
Option 1. Sudden night feed weaning 84
Option 2. Gradual night feed weaning 86
Option 3. Toddler night feed weaning 87
Increasing daily food intake wisely 89
Option 1. More calories during the day 91
Keeping asleep 93
Option 1. Catch her before waking up 95
Option 2. On the move 97
Adjusting sleep patterns 99
Option 1. Different bedtimes 100
Option 2. Scheduled awakenings 102
Later mornings 104
Option 1. Timing breakfast 105
Option 2. Toddler early bird sleeping in 106
Chapter 6. Appendix: Sleepy Signs Log 109
Chapter 7. About the author 113
Chapter 8. More books by Heidi Holvoet 115
Bibliography 116
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No-Tears Sleeping Through the Night
Preface
Dear parent,
When reading this, you are most probably tired. Your child is not sleeping through the
night well and neither are you.
…
… Your baby may still be young but ready to reduce the amount of night feeds
… She may have never slept for longer than an hour in a row …
… Or maybe she slept through beautifully but now started waking up again …
Whether you have tried everything or are just not sure where to start, you likely feel
frustrated, worried or uncertain and you need a break.
Trust me, I know how it feels. And luckily it is quite possible to improve these nights.
This guide helps you create the best sleep environment and use the right techniques
to help your baby or toddler sleep her best nights. Without needing to let her cry it
out.
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By magic I'm sure you know there is no such thing when it comes sleep. Although yes
you can discover that one little detail that changes it all overnight for your baby.
But mostly, with a bit of effort, patience and determination you will help your child
sleep well – not just for a couple of nights, but for real. That is the goal we set
together while working through this book.
Allow me to advise you to read it all the way through the first time.
You may be tempted to go straight to that one specific technique right now. And that's
fine because that will likely be one of the techniques you will use.
But there is more.
So please do take the time to go through each step. It will make it all so much more
efficient and long-lasting.
Good luck!
Heidi
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Chapter 1. Introduction
“Does she sleep through the night yet”
I
f you are a young parent, there is a good chance you hear this question often. It's
surely well-meant – everyone wants you to sleep well too.
But more than that, this regular question creates expectations, and usually too high
expectations.
You may feel your baby has to sleep through from the first months and that you as a
parent fail if that does not happen.
That is not correct.
Yes there are babies who sleep 8 hour stretches at 6 weeks old. But they are
exceptions. And it is not their parents' great success.
It is chance and inborn ability. One that usually goes back and forth several times in
those first years.
If your baby is not a natural long stretch sleeper from early on, that is not your fault.
If she used to sleep long nights but now has stopped, it is not your fault.
If your toddler does not stay in bed sleeping nicely all night, it is not your fault.
And it is not your child's ill will either.
There may be things you could do differently. And your child may not truly need you
there but just has not gotten used to being alone all night.
But that is not ill will. It is real life, and how parent and children develop in those
first years.
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What counts is to find good ways for you and your child to help her sleep her best
nights. The 3 step process in this guide helps you do exactly that.
You will make sure the basic requirements for good sleep are all met and you will
observe your baby to understand her needs precisely. Finally, you will set to work with
the specific techniques that fit you and your child best.
Before getting started, let's have a look at how we define sleeping through the night
and what you can expect for your child at different ages.
Sleeping through the night is …
Sleeping through the night is to be able to sleep for several hours without parent
intervention. That means your baby or toddler can be without food and does not need
your presence for a prolonged time.
It also means that she can self settle back to sleep if she wakes up in between. That
ability to self soothe is crucial because sleep is naturally interrupted several times
each night.
Sleep comes in cycles, for babies and adults alike. For a young child a cycle lasts
about 50 to 60 minutes. During each cycle, she goes through a light sleep phase
followed by a deep sleep phase and finally another light sleep phase.
Then it is time for the next cycle. But in between two cycles, there is a brief halfawake
moment.
Sleeping through is no more than going straight back to sleep without fully waking
from this delicate moment.
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How many hours
The number of hours we consider as sleeping through the night depends on culture
and what we are used to seeing around us.
How long a baby or toddler really can sleep depends on her age, physical condition
and sleeping environment (i.e. everything that surrounds her, including sleep habits).
In the first half year 4 to 5 hours straight is considered good sleeping through.
Towards 1 year old that average gradually increases to 8 to 12 hours. For many babies
though, the long night is still interrupted with one or two awakenings with or without
feeding.
After her first birthday nights continue to evolve for your baby. 12 hours is the official
average to aim for.
But like every other, your baby is unique. Some babies will sleep for 12 hours at 6
months old. Others won't sleep consistent long stretches until 2 years old.
And also for your child herself, sleep changes over time. She may need, and take,
long deep sleep for months around her first birthday and then grow into sleeping no
more than 8 hours in a row.
The rule of thumb for you to know if that is enough, will mainly be how your baby
feels and behaves. A well-rested child is content and alert, giving you clear signs that
she sleeps enough hours.
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What to expect
“Sleeping well is a skill to be learned”
Like walking and talking, sleeping well is a skill your baby has to learn. To do that
optimally, she must mature physically and mentally in a well-adapted environment.
And just like it is not fair to expect your 1 year old to speak in full sentences, it is no
use expecting a baby to sleep 12 hour nights in her first months.
What you can do, and will do with this book, is help your child at any age sleep the
best nights possible.
Having realistic expectations helps avoid unnecessary frustration. It allows you to
guide your baby or toddler optimally and get the best results.
How your baby's night time sleep evolves
In the very beginning, baby's sleep is short on purpose: there is the simple need of
regular feeding to survive. Dehydration is dangerous in those first weeks. Regular
night awakenings are then normal, and quite necessary.
In the first 6 months sleep develops drastically – more than at any other moment in
our lives. Connections are made, sleep cycles and their sleep phases evolve, the way
your baby experiences sleep changes, …
That combined with the many external factors that influence sleep (teething,
illnesses, anxiety, tension, … ) explains why her sleep can be so erratic at times. And
why she may sleep well one moment and then suddenly regress the next.
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As baby matures and grows, the time she can be without food and without you,
increases. Most babies take a huge step forward with this between 4 and 6 months
old. This is the time when the number of night feedings can easily decrease to just
one or two – none for some.
With the basics well in place and good self soothing practice – as explained further on
– nights can become longer.
Towards the first birthday, feeding at night becomes less and less important. If still
present, the dedicated techniques in this guide will help you wean from night feeds
your baby no longer needs.
The remaining night awakenings you still see have a range of possible causes, and
solutions. The 3 steps below help you prevent as many as possible, understand why
your baby still wakes (often) and wean from them well.
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Chapter 2. Three steps to longer nights
T
he 3 steps to longer nights help improve your baby or toddler's nights, whether
there is just one night feed to wean from or many different awakenings each
night.
After going through the 3 steps, you will have a complete action plan that is ideally
adapted to your child's needs. You start with the very basics, uncover why she wakes
and then work out how to get rid of the unnecessary awakenings.
Should you skip a step
Do you already have the basics in place Or do you already know why your baby wakes
That is great and will be very helpful. Still I highly recommend you read through each step completely. You may
be surprised at what else causes your child to wake and you will set up an even better suited action plan.
Step 1 helps you create the best sleep environment. The basics of good sleep may
seem simple or you may even take them for granted. But to really get results and
improve your baby or toddler's nights, every moment you spend getting the basics
right is well worth it.
In Step 2 we look at many possible causes for night awakenings, starting with hunger
and all the way to disrupted sleep patterns. You find out how to recognize and how to
avoid and deal with whatever is waking up your baby or toddler.
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Step 3 details every specific technique such as weaning from night feeds, learning to
self soothe, keeping asleep, … You will combine the techniques your baby or toddler
needs, based on what you found out in Step 1 and 2. Or you may use one technique to
start with and then later support it with another.
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No-Tears Sleeping Through the Night
Chapter 3. Step 1 – Set up the basics
W
place.
hether your baby has never slept through or suddenly started waking up
frequently again, the first step is to make sure you have all the basics well in
You may already have every basics guideline below arranged …
Or you may have taken some of them for granted and maybe even slacked a bit when
all went well and they seemed not all that important …
Or if your child never slept really well, you may have given up on the basics
altogether …
Yet these basics are the very foundation of good sleep.
Before expecting any improvement in your baby or toddler's sleep: take the time to go
through the list below.
Fine tune what you have, become stricter where necessary, pay extra attention to one
that you had not minded much about before, … or simply diligently (re-)install every
single one …
… it is your best guarantee for success.
A relaxed atmosphere
To sleep well, a pleasant and relaxed environment with as little stress as possible is
crucial. A young child is very sensitive to agitation and picks up more stress and mood
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signals than we expect.
This is one of the most overlooked fundamentals of good sleep. Yet it is very powerful
so let's have a look at what you can do to set the right tone:
• Have a relaxed home.
This does not mean that your house should be all quiet and peaceful all the
time. Simply keep an eye on having enough relax moments for the whole
family, in spite of everything that has to be done (work, social, activities, …).
This can be as simple as switching off the television or a loud radio, taking the
time for dinner times together or for a walk, … If you find yourselves rushing
and running all the time, take a step back and try to take some more down
time.
• Take a relaxed, positive attitude towards your baby or toddler's sleep.
Realize that sleep is important indeed but also that your child is still very
young. She needs the time to adjust and learn to sleep well – just like she
needs time to learn how to walk and talk.
Accept that there are times when sleep is not easy for her. Know that it is quite
normal and that it will improve.
That is not to say you should just let go and wait.
On the contrary, I advise you to use every appropriate technique in this book
actively. But at the same time, allow yourself to relax and give both of you
enough breathing space.
You would be amazed at the positive effect of that letting go in combination
with the active techniques – I see it daily with the parents and babies I advise
personally.
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• Relax!
Together with “Sleep!”, this is of course among the most difficult orders.
Relaxing on demand is not easy.
Simple breathing exercise
Yet when you manage to be
reasonably relaxed, that shines on
your child and she will sleep better
for it.
Simple breathing exercises can help
(see box). Regularly taking some
time for yourself works great too:
catching up on some sleep during
baby's nap is one good idea.
But doing something you enjoy can
have the same effect as an hour's
sleep: read a book, listen to your
favorite music, do yoga, … anything
you like.
Don't hesitate to ask your partner or
a friend to babysit for a little while
so you can re-charge your batteries
from time to time.
Conscious breathing is the easiest and quickest
relaxation technique, yet very effective.
Whenever you sit or lie down, and have a few
moments to spare, consider making it a relaxing
moment.
Simply take a slow deep breath while counting to 3.
Let both your chest and your belly lift up gently.
Hold your breath for 3 more counts, then exhale
slowly and deeply.
While exhaling, allow every muscle of your body to
sink down and go floppy. Check to make sure you
are not tightening your neck and shoulders.
To help you focus, count the amount of in-out
breaths you take. Do about 5 in a session, more if
you like.
Doing this regularly (once a day, more if you can)
effectively helps you feel and be more relaxed.
Act confidently
As a tired parent with a baby or toddler who wakes several times each night, it is easy
to loose confidence in your sleep approach. That is normal, but not necessary: in
almost all cases, poor sleep is due to baby's health and abilities, or her sleep schedule
and environment, not poor parenting.
If you manage to put your baby down with confidence when she wakes at night, she
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feels that, knows that you are serious and trust her. That is what she needs to sleep
well and to keep improving her independent sleep skills.
But if you feel uncertain and hesitate when putting your baby down, she picks that
up. It makes her uncertain too, and that easily results in poorer sleep.
So, what do you do if you feel uncertain, but don't want to transfer that onto your
child
Act confidently, even if you don't feel confident:
• You can do this by talking in a positive and determined way, without hesitation.
For example, when announcing bedtime, say “Time for bed sweetie, you will
have a nice long sleep now” rather than “O no, time for bed, who knows how
often you will wake this time” …
• Follow the steps in this guide.
The three steps guide you through the whole process from basics up to specific
techniques, nicely adapted to your baby and your situation. Rely on these to
help build your confidence in your sleep approach.
• Stick to your plan.
While going through this guide, take notes. Write down which basics you will
work on, what may be causing your baby's awakenings, which technique you
will use and when.
Having it written down will help you stick to your plan confidently, also in the
middle of the night.
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Avoid over-stimulation
Stimulating your baby or toddler with too many triggers and activities in the hope for
more sleep, can have an inverse effect. It can be
a serious cause of frequent night awakenings.
You may feel your child needs a lot of exercise
(running around in the park) to be tired enough
to sleep well.
Or you may offer a wide range of mental triggers
to encourage development, while also trying to
make her tired enough to sleep all night.
To a certain point it is good to be tired. It can
help with sleeping. But too much is not a good
idea.
And a young baby or toddler quickly has too much.
Her body and brain activity lingers on and leads to restless nights.
To have the just-right level of stimulation:
2 hours more sleep per day …
A dedicated study showed that babies in
The Netherlands slept an average of 2
hours per day more than their peers in the
United States.[1]
One suggested cause is that parents in the
U.S. find it more important to offer plenty
stimulation to trigger baby's development.
In The Netherlands, babies are also
stimulated enough but less. There is
relatively more emphasis on rest and
regularity which results in more restful
sleep hours.
• Go for a healthy dose of activity and triggers during the day. Experiment a bit
because needs are obviously very personal.
• As a rule of thumb: whenever you find yourself working to get your child to
play more, do more, run more, … it is most probably not necessary.
• Relax about planning too much activities and focus on observing what your
baby enjoys doing, and would do naturally if not forced.
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Avoid stimulating food
Certain foods and drinks stimulate baby's body. Even small amounts linger for many
hours. The stimulants disrupt sleep a lot by making it more difficult to settle and to
stay asleep.
The main ingredients to avoid are sugar, chocolate, caffeine and – for adults –
nicotine.
• If you breastfeed, the stimulants are passed to your baby through your milk.
They can keep your baby awake – even if you don't feel the effect of just one
cup of coffee.
So it is best to avoid coffee, non-herbal tea and
chocolate in the hour(s) before nursing. Same with
nicotine if you smoke – best avoided around baby
anyway.
• For your baby on solids or toddler, avoid the same
foods.
Remember that it takes longer for a stimulant to
disappear from a child's body than from ours (up to
7 hours).
The 7 hours caffeine rush
Cola drinks contain caffeine.
After having some cola, the
caffeine concentration in the
blood peaks after 30 to 60
minutes.
After that, for a child's body, it
takes up to 5 to 7 hours (!) to
clear completely.
This means that a large part of the night is affected if a stimulant is taken
briefly before bedtime. If taken earlier, it can still disrupt the start of the
night.
• As a rule of thumb, avoid chocolate, sugary snacks and fizzy drinks from the
early afternoon onwards. Avoid them altogether if naps are also difficult and if
your child has particular difficulties settling overall.
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A pleasant and safe place to sleep
Having a nice place to lie down quietly and safely, is a simple must for good sleep. We
all sleep best when we feel safe and secure.
Does that mean you need the fanciest, cutest and most expensive baby room
furniture
No, a basic sturdy crib or bed and a few simple cozy decorations work just fine.
Safety first
A baby under one year old (can be older) should sleep in a crib – cot, or baby bed –
that leaves no risk for her to get stuck with any part of her body. See online for full
crib safety guidelines.
Between 2 and 3 years old most toddlers transition to a toddler bed. A toddler bed rail
helps prevent falling out in the first months of sleeping in the toddler bed.
If you co-sleep, ensure that your baby or toddler has ample space and cannot fall out
of bed. Also make sure she cannot get stuck between mattress and wall, bedsides, you
or your partner or under the blankets.
Only co-sleep when both you and your baby are healthy and you don't smoke, drink or
take medication. See online for extended co-sleeping safety guidelines.
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A pleasant place
It is easy to make your baby or toddler's bedroom attractive. Colored curtains, a few
cute soft animals, a musical mobile and simple wall decorations easily make it a nice
place to be.
If your child sleeps in your room or another room that is not dedicated to her alone:
attach a few colorful items near her crib or mattress, use soft cozy bedding, …
But the very best way to make your child like her room is to be positive about it. Talk
about it in a cheerful way. Make it a special place by not having her play there all day.
If you spend time there together, make it quiet, peaceful time.
Also, avoid unpleasant activities in the bedroom. If your child does not like being
changed or dressed, do that in another room to avoid any negative association. Make
it a habit to no threaten to send her to her room if she is naughty. Going to the
bedroom should be fun, not a punishment.
A good day/night rhythm
A well-adapted day/night rhythm ensures the longest and deepest sleep during the
night. For young babies and toddlers it also means one or more shorter naps during
the day.
A baby or toddler with an unbalanced day/night rhythm will wake up frequently at
night unnecessarily.
She will have particular difficulties to settle again. She will seem fully awake and may
even want to start playing, chatting, …
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At any age, providing clear day/night cues is an easy yet
very powerful way to help avoid night awakenings.
The idea is to make nights and days visibly different.
Your baby's night starts with the last feed or activity of
the day – even if she only sleeps a short stretch until
the next feed. The night ends usually with the first
morning feed (breakfast).
Life on earth
A newborn baby does not have a
day/night rhythm as ours. In the
first weeks she needs to wake up
regularly to feed, regardless of
day and night.
Gradually, during the first 12
weeks, baby adapts to life on
earth, in a rhythm we are used
to.
During the night
• Avoid switching on any light.
She then sleeps more during the
night and less during the day.
This happens naturally for most
babies. But some take longer to
adapt or – when receiving
confusing cues – never adapt well.
This is the most important night time cue. When
seeing extra light during the night, our body
prepares to wake up. Even being in light very briefly starts this process.
This does not only make it more difficult to go back to sleep but also seriously
disrupts your child's sleep pattern.
So ideally, have a night light on that is dim enough to sleep by but still allows
you to feed, cuddle, change diaper, …
• Be boring.
When your baby or toddler wakes at night and you go to her, interact
minimally. Of course you can talk, softly, and hug and kiss to comfort her. But
avoid chattering, funny faces, little games, … These are fun and it may be hard
to resist that cute smile but it only wakes her up more.
• Stay in the bedroom.
Staying in her bedroom consistently helps your child understand that night time
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is a time to be in bed. It is a simple rule that's easy to install and is very
effective.
We'd often find it easier to bring baby down to the living room for a while when
waking, especially before our own bedtime. However, this is a confusing signal
for her and will wake her up more than necessary.
This is not only when baby or toddler sleeps in her own bedroom but also when
she sleeps in your room: same room all night. When getting older, you may
allow your toddler to come out of bed to wake you if necessary (nightmare,
unwell, toilet, …). That is fine of course but then go back to her bedroom
together as soon as possible.
• Do not allow playing.
Your child may seem so awake at some night awakenings that she starts
playing. You may feel she needs that to become tired again. Unfortunately, this
will just wake her up more.
It is quite normal for a baby or toddler to wake up and play a bit with her
fingers, chat or sing, pull the musical mobile, … And that is fine as long as she
does it on her own and is not out of bed truly playing with toys.
So ideally, avoid toys in the bedroom. It helps to never let your baby play much
in the bedroom, that helps make it a specific place for sleep, not for playing.
Later on, when your child sleeps through the night well, you will be able to
relax on this again.
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During the day
• Open the curtains, windows and have lots of light in the whole house as soon as
the day starts.
• For naps you can leave the room a bit brighter than during the night. But do
make it dark enough as necessary. Your baby or toddler may simply need that to
nap at all.
• Let your house be alive with music, cheerful voices, …
• Be active and include your child in your activities. Go out for walks,
playgroups, shopping, …
A bedtime routine
A bedtime routine is not just a habit or something fun to do. If done well it physically
helps your child with settling and sleeping well. Her body learns to associate the
routine with sleeping and starts preparing to sleep automatically during the routine.
We call a bedtime routine the set of actions you do and things you say right before
your baby or toddler goes to sleep.
A good bedtime routine is pleasant, relaxing, short and you do it consistently (exactly
the same) at each bedtime. Make it a loving, special moment together.
These moms describe their personal bedtime routine in this way:
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“We have been doing a lovely bedtime routine to set the scene since he was 5 months old (now 8 months).
We have calming down time, bath, moisturizer, story, feed, all to lovely relaxation music. I talk to him about
how much I love him and how special he is when I lay him down to sleep.”
~
“Keira hates bathing, especially when she's tired so we now do that in the morning. Our bedtime routine is
then quick and easy (which makes it more relaxing for me too!):
nursing, diaper change and Pj’s and then we walk over to her cot while I sing her favorite lullaby. Right before
I put her down we 'say night night' to her doll on the bedside table. If give her a hug saying 'I love you sweetie,
kiss kiss' and I throw kisses while I walk out the room.”
For the most efficient bedtime routine:
• Avoid any activity that may excite or upset your baby or toddler.
A bath may be relaxing for some but it is not a must. If your baby does not
enjoy it at all, consider bathing earlier in the day or at least as long before
bedtime as possible.
Avoiding a diaper change – some babies truly dislike that, especially with diaper
rash – will be trickier. Then mostly try to have the changing as early as possible
in the routine, so there is plenty of pleasant time too.
Avoid watching television: even a calm baby program triggers baby's brain and
may disrupt sleep. Research proves that watching television makes babies and
toddlers sleep less. [2],[3] You may find zero-TV too radical but limiting it,
especially before bed, is a good idea.
• Have a short part at the end of the routine that you can easily repeat at night
awakenings.
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As in the second example above, the part where mom and baby say goodnight
to the doll, then the hug and “I love you sweetie” with kisses on the way out, is
perfect when putting down again after a night awakening.
No need to repeat the full routine, but these last bits are enough to make the
right associations with sleep again.
• Avoid surprises.
Be consistent in how many pages you read, how many songs you sing, how many
questions your little one may ask, … That avoids surprises (which easily upset
her) and keeps the routine nicely limited in time.
A well-adapted sleep schedule
A daily sleep schedule that fits your baby or toddler's needs perfectly is the best
guarantee for sleeping through the night. That does not necessarily imply a rigid
timed schedule. Some children do better on a pattern schedule (eat/play/sleep,
eat/sleep/play) or need full flexibility.
The main aim of a good sleep schedule is to avoid over-tiredness at bedtime. That
gives a good peaceful onset of sleep and guarantees the longest stretches.
This is true for naps and when going down for the night. Moreover, good regular
daytime sleep has a positive influence on nights. A baby who has the opportunity to
nap regularly during the day, settles better and sleeps a longer night.
Logically we may expect that being very tired is necessary for a good long night. But
in fact it is the other way around.
When too tired, it is more difficult for a baby to settle and stay asleep.
If you have no regular sleep schedule right now, setting one up is your first step
towards better nights. If you have a regular schedule but your child still wakes up
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frequently at night, go through the suggestions below to fine-tune it.
Finding the right sleep schedule
The best way to start is to observe your baby or toddler closely for sleepy signs. Put
her to bed at natural sleep moments, i.e. when she is readily tired. Then arrange this
routine into a regular schedule.
Here's how to read your child's sleepy signs:
• Look for early sleepy signs.
The earliest sleepy signs are staring, and being gradually less interested in
playing and interacting. This is the moment to start preparing for bed, i.e. get
ready and start the bedtime routine.
• Schedule bedtime when readily tired.
Next are the most typical readily tired signs: rubbing eyes, yawning, searching
to find a comfortable sitting/lying position, … This is bedtime.
• Avoid over-tiredness.
If you miss the early sleepy signs, over-tiredness is next. Your baby or toddler
then becomes cranky, fussy and just not content overall.
Or you may not notice it so clearly, and only find that she just cannot settle to
sleep. Over-activeness is also typical now: after a brief seemingly tired
moment, she may suddenly start bouncing up and down and appear fully awake
again.
If you observe such over-tiredness regularly, schedule that bedtime a bit
earlier.
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• Every child is unique: your baby may be very telling with her sleepy signs, or
barely show any clear signs at all. That is normal. If your baby or toddler's
sleepy signs are not very obvious, work towards a timed schedule (see box
below).
• Keeping a written log for a few days is the most powerful way to set up the
best-fitting sleep schedule.
• The Sleepy Signs Log is specifically designed for this: you actively observe how
she behaves rather than just note when and how long she sleeps. To get started
with the log, either on paper or on your Android device, see the Appendix on
page 109.
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Which type of sleep schedule is best
There are three types of sleep schedules. Each can work well, as long as it is adapted to your baby or toddler's
needs, and fits your own daily activities and preference.
• Pattern routine
In a pattern routine, your baby's day is set on a EAT-PLAY-SLEEP or an EAT-SLEEP-PLAY rhythm. When she
wakes, she feeds (or plays a bit first) and then plays or is otherwise active (or feeds) and then she goes
back to sleep.
This is often the best schedule for a young baby, under 4 months old, when feeding regularly is still
determining most of the day – and sometimes the night.
Recognizing sleepy signs is important but the simple regularity of the routine also helps tremendously
with sleeping.
• Timed schedule
In a timed schedule, your baby's nap and evening bedtimes are set to a specific time.
This is the most typical, and often most effective, schedule from 4 to 6 months onwards. Baby's body
truly sets to the timings – of which she can become quite dependent – which makes it a superb sleep
helper.
Use your sleepy signs observations to fine-tune the timed schedule. A timed schedule is also ideal if your
baby does not give clear sleepy signs.
• On-demand routine
In this type of routine, you allow your baby or toddler to choose her own bedtimes, simply by watching
her sleepy signs.
if you don't mind the flexibility and unpredictability this brings, your child shows clear signs and sleeps
well enough, this can work well.
As a guideline, Table 1 gives an overview of typical nap frequency and duration by
age. Do keep in mind that these numbers are averages and vary. More important to
decide on how many naps she needs, is how your baby or toddler fares, including the
number of night awakenings.
Also, as a rule of thumb, prefer an early bedtime over a later one. More about this in
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Step 3.
Baby's age Naps a day Nap duration
0-1 months 3 - 5 1h - 3h
1-3 months 3 - 4 1h - 3h
3-6 months 2 - 3 1h - 3h
6-12 months 1 - 3 1h - 2h
12-18 months 1 - 2 1h - 2h
+18 months 0 - 1 1h - 3h
TABLE 1: AVERAGE NAP FREQUENCY AND DURATION
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Chapter 4. Step 2 – Understand why she wakes
I
n this step you identify why your baby or toddler wakes at night. Truly
understanding that reason is key to choosing the right techniques in Step 3. And
the right techniques are what you need for the best nights.
Do you already know why your baby wakes up at night
Even if you know or suspect the reason for the night awakenings, I recommend you
read every word in this chapter. You may discover extra wake up causes or find a
different cause that must be solved first before things can improve.
Each cause comes with clear “How to recognize” and “What to do” sections that will
guide you towards the Step 3 techniques you need.
Some causes may seem like details or not serious enough to cause (so many)
awakenings.
But remember that your child, like us, has many natural half-awake moments each
night. At that delicate moment, even a puppy whining outside can be enough.
Hungry
Being hungry is the first reason why a young baby wakes up during the night.
In the first weeks and months, night feeds are necessary for survival. To stay healthy
and develop well your baby must, also at night:
• Feed frequently to keep well hydrated and
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• Have small portions to avoid digestion problems.
Hunger remains the top waking cause until up to 4 to 6 months. But also in the second
half year, hunger is a valid reason for many babies to wake up.
Your newborn baby's sleep is light on purpose. Easy arousal helps unsure the required
regular feeds, about every 2-4 hours in those first weeks.
As baby grows, the amount of time she can be without food – as well as the size of the
portions – steadily increases. This is a first step towards longer sleep stretches at
night.
Hunger or habit The thin line ...
It can be a thin line between waking out of hunger and waking out of habit, especially at 6 to 12 months old.
If you feel bad about having taught your baby the bad habit of waking at night to feed, don't.
What happened is natural: your baby really needed that night feed until a given moment.
However, evolving to not needing it anymore is gradual and it's not easy to spot that right away. But all the
while, there is the physical habit of being awake and feeding at that time/those times at night.
That is exactly what happens to any of us if we'd schedule a snack at 3am every night. Our body quickly
becomes used to that and automatically starts waking at that time, hungry.
So your baby's hunger feeling is real, but at a certain moment it is mostly there out of habit.
Bottom line, you did not do anything wrong. And baby wakes up legitimately (she's really hungry). It's just
important to recognize that and now work to gradually wean from the habit, by decreasing the hunger feeling.
How to do this is described in Step 3.
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How to recognize
How can you be sure your baby wakes up hungry and needs to feed
There will rarely be a 100% sure objective way to decide whether she is truly hungry
or not.
This checklist helps make your best guess about any night awakening. Each check
alone is a good indication for hunger. Every additional check is an extra hunger hint.
□
□
□
□
□
□
□
□
Baby is under 4-6 months old and has not fed in the last 3 hours or longer.
She sleeps well in general but usually wakes around this time, gladly takes the
feed and then easily goes back to sleep for another good stretch (3 hours or
more).
The feed baby takes at this time is a decent feed, meaning more than a third
of a normal full feed.
Nothing (rocking, walking, singing, shh-patting, …) helps her back to sleep but
feeding does.
Baby is breastfed and your partner does not manage to soothe her to sleep at
this night awakening.
Baby has a digestive issue and therefore takes small portions at any feed, also
during the day.
She is ill or teething and therefore feeds poorly, also during the day.
She feeds poorly, also during the day, due to difficulties accepting the bottle or
due to breastfeeding issues.
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What to do
If your baby is hungry and needs the feed:
• Offer the feed.
• Keep the awakening short.
• Be boring by interacting minimally.
• Do not leave the bedroom with her.
• Keep lights dim. Ideally have a constant dim night light so you do not need to
switch on any extra light at night.
• Do not change the diaper if not absolutely necessary. If you know it will be
overfull soon then do change it, otherwise you risk another – unnecessary –
awakening.
• If appropriate for your baby, according to her age, healthy and needs, work
with the “Increasing daily food intake wisely” technique (page 89).
If your baby does not need the feed anymore:
• Use the “Weaning from night feeds” to reduce the hunger feeling (page 83).
• Cautiously increase food intake during the day with the “Increasing daily food
intake wisely” technique (page 89). Avoid any stuffing before bedtime – this
only results in unhealthy and poorer sleep.
You can offer an extra snack, milk dessert after solids, an extra milk feed, … all
when fitting into baby's schedule and always without forcing. Be careful not to
over-feed.
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• Relieve any discomfort from digestive issues, teething, illness or any other
situation that causes difficulties feeding overall.
In danger
A young baby's sleep is light on purpose: so she can wake up quickly when in danger.
Breathing difficulties and heart rate irregularities are normal and frequent, especially
in the first weeks. This is mostly harmless but can be dangerous if baby is in a deep
sleep.
She needs to be able to wake up to catch her breath and to alert her parents.
So her own safety is another reason why a young baby often wakes up. If nothing else
is going on, she should go back to sleep easily. However, if your baby is not used to
self soothing yet, she may need your gentle help to settle again.
How to recognize
Ideally, if your baby is under 4-6 months old, she sleeps in the same room with you. Or
you have a good monitor which lets you hear any alarming sound.
□
Breathing pauses. If you lie awake and focus on her breathing, you may notice
how there is a longer pause from time to time. Until about 6 months old,
breathing pauses of up to 15-20 seconds are still said to be normal.
At the end of the pause, your baby either goes back to breathing normally or
she may gasp for breath hear-ably.
She may then simply continue sleeping or wake up and cry.
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□
Sleep apnea. If the 15-20 second breathing pauses happen often, or if
breathing pauses for longer than 20 seconds, you must consult your doctor
immediately. Your baby may have a form of sleep apnea which requires medical
attention.
Gasping for breath, coughing or gagging, as well as snoring and turning blue-ish
are further sleep apnea signs.
□ Heart rate issues. A baby's heart beats fast with values typically between 70
and 120 beats per minute under 2 years old. It is not something you may
normally pay attention to but when holding baby close you automatically feel
her heart beat.
And you will notice if it is beating faster or slower than usual.
When waking up in the middle of the night, heart rate will be high from waking
up but should go down when coming to rest.
If you think that your baby's heart rate is higher or lower than usual, or
becomes irregular, consult your doctor to exclude any medical issue.
What to do
If your baby wakes up gasping for breath or otherwise uneasy for no apparent reason,
go to her and make sure she is alright. Do not wait too long before going in.
Your goal is to make sure all is safe as quickly as possible and also to keep the
awakening as short as possible.
If you are less than half an hour away from a regular night feed, consider feeding now.
It will save you both another awakening.
Otherwise, simply placing your hand on her tummy or stroking her forehead while
your baby stays down may be enough to send her off to sleep again. If not, pick her
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up, comfort and soothe until she is ready to go back to sleep.
Do monitor actively by listening (through the monitor if in a separate room) and
physically checking on your baby regularly.
Too hot or too cold
A correct constant temperature throughout the night is key to good sleep without
waking up.
Your baby or toddler's sleeping temperature is a combination of bedroom temperature
and well-adapted covers and clothing. Both should be
adapted to season and indoor temperatures.
Personal body temperature plays a role too so you need
to find out which conditions suit your child best.
A nicely cool room helps with settling for sleep, but
when your child gets cold during the night she will
easily wake up. Being nice and warm helps with staying
asleep. But if it's too warm your child may sweat and
wake up uncomfortably.
Please don't skip this one!
Many parents overlook this factor,
assuming oi doesn't matter too
much.
But it does matter.
With little effort, you can provide
the right sleeping temperature and
avoid unnecessary night
awakenings.
Also, over-heating is dangerous for young babies who do not have the ability to
regulate their body temperature well yet.
So it is all about the golden mean: not too hot and not too cold.
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How to recognize
Use this checklist to find out if your baby or toddler wakes up out of being too hot or
too cold:
□
My child often wakes up sweating – wet skin and or hair
or
wakes up feeling icy with skin cold to the touch.
□
When I touch the back of her neck with my fingers, it feels very warm and
damp
or
it feels cool
(“Just right and toasty” is what you feel when the temperature is right.
Although this method is clearly subjective and influenced by your own body
temperature, it does give you a good overall estimate).
□
My child is wearing thick pajamas and/or has warm covers or sleeping bag
or
has thin pajamas and light covers.
□
The bedroom temperature is higher than 68°F (20°C)
or
lower than 61°F (16°C).
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Your child's precise body temperature as measured with a thermometer depends more
on her health condition than on her sleeping temperature. So in general that will not
be needed.
Although a too high room temperature or warm clothing can slightly increase body
temperature, a fever is only very rarely induced like this. If you suspect a fever
though, do measure by thermometer and treat or consult a doctor as required.
What to do
To give your baby or toddler the best sleeping temperature:
• Have a bedroom temperature between 16 and 20°C (61-68°F) and keep it as
constant as possible. Air the room well daily and do not use heating while baby
is in the room.
A simple room thermometer is very helpful. Some sound or video monitors have
a built-in thermometer which allows you to monitor the temperature well.
• A sleeping bag is brilliant at keeping your child at a constant temperature.
Baby and toddler sleeping bags come in different thicknesses to easily adapt to
season temperature. They also give a nice cosy and confined feeling many love.
It is not a surprise that many (!) babies suddenly start sleeping through the
night the moment they started sleeping in a sleeping bag.
• If room temperature is on the higher edge, use light cotton pajamas and
covers/sleeping bag. With lower temperatures, choose warmer fabrics.
• If the season is very cold, you can pre-heat the room if necessary to chase
away the chill and then switch it off at bedtime. Keeping the heating on during
the night is not a good idea: dry heated air is not healthy and does not improve
sleep.
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Do not use a hot water bottle or an electric blanket in baby's crib or bed. If
really necessary you can warm up the crib/bed with one and then take it out at
bedtime.
However, this means the bed may cool down too much during the night and
result in waking up so avoid if possible.
• In very warm weather an open window, fan or air-conditioning can be necessary
to keep temperatures low enough. Always make sure your child's safety is
guaranteed and be careful to keep her out of any air current.
• As a general rule, cooler is better than too hot. For a young baby this is an
important safety rule since over-heating is a risk. Also for sleeping, if you have
to make a choice, go for the cooler option.
• As said above, your child's body temperature is not directly dependent on room
temperature and clothing. If she has a fever that does not mean the room is
too hot.
Still it is wise to pay extra attention to keeping the room on the cool side when
your child is ill with fever.
Too dark or too light
For bedroom light at night there are two good options:
• Pitch dark: window blinds and a closed door keep the room completely dark.
• Dimly lit: the ideal night light lets you see a little bit but is dim enough so you
don't see it through your eyelids with your eyes closed.
The one that is best for your child depends on her preference.
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How to recognize
As a rule of thumb, do the night light test for a good estimate of whether the night
light has the right brightness:
With only the night light switched on, close your eyes. You should not see light
through your eyelids (from where your child sleeps). With eyes open you should see
enough to tend to your baby at night.
Remember that during the day a night light always seems very dim. But at night, with
eyes used to the dark, that same light appears much brighter. It is this night time feel
that you want to judge by.
As long as your baby or toddler cannot tell you yet, a change in her sleep may do so:
□
Many babies are happy to sleep in a completely dark room in their first months.
Later on most prefer a night light, especially when separation anxiety (see
below) or other fears kick in and disrupt sleep.
□
While your baby is too young to say so, you may have to try-and-see.
If she is used to sleeping in a dark room and suddenly starts waking up for no
apparent reason, installing a night light is a good first test.
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What to do
• Provide a right-brightness night light, following your child's preference.
• If you need to tend to your child at night awakenings – for feeding or
comforting – a night light is indispensable.
This can be in baby's bedroom or in the corridor (if the bedroom itself is
preferred dark). It should be dim enough to sleep well and bright enough to
look after your child at night.
• Either way, your goal is to avoid changes in light during the night. Switching on
light at an awakening causes more sleep disruption (light triggers our body to
start waking up) for your baby or toddler and for yourself, making it more
difficult to go back to sleep afterwards.
Too much noise or too silent
Whichever noise level your baby or toddler usually sleeps by, a change easily causes
waking up.
So if she is used to sleeping in (almost) silence, then sudden sounds can wake your
child up and keep her from going back to sleep.
On the other hand, when used to sleeping with some sounds around, sudden silence
can also disturb sleep.
How to recognize
As a rule of thumb, any sleeping environment should be calm and peaceful. Normal
spoken voices, gentle music heard in the background, street noise in the distance, …
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should be no problem.
To discover whether your child may be waking up at night due to sudden sounds:
□
Consider if anything has recently changed: have you moved, new neighbors,
more street noise than usual, … or is that generator (which provided a constant
background sound) suddenly not on anymore …
□
□
Are there any loud or sudden noises in or outside
the house at night
If you don't already, spend the night in the same
bedroom as your baby or toddler. The sounds
that wake her up are not necessarily loud and
not heard in every room of the house.
Spending the night exactly where your child does
may reveal what is waking her up.
What to do
To keep your child from waking up due to too much or
too little noise:
A real-life example
One baby started waking up
consistently at 4.30am each
morning. There was no other
apparent reason.
Only after one parent spent the
night in baby's room did they
discover that their neighbor's
alarm clock, set to 4.30am, was
right next to baby's head on the
other side of the wall …
Baby started sleeping nicely until
7am again after moving her bed a
little.
• Take away as many causes of sudden or loud noises as possible. Spend the night
in baby's room to help discover any hidden causes.
• Use white noise as a background sound to block out sudden or constant noises
which you cannot switch off. You can download free white noise samples on
Baby-Sleep-Advice.com.
• Similarly, use white noise if you suspect your child wakes up due to complete
silence.
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A wet diaper
A wet or soiled diaper during the night can be quite uncomfortable for your baby or
toddler. This is even more so in case of a diaper rash.
Depending on how much or little it irritates your child, it can wake her up or not. Or
more typically, it may prevent her from going back to sleep after a brief (half-)awake
moment.
How to recognize
There is a good chance that the diaper causes the awakening if:
□
□
The diaper is consistently wet or soiled at the awakening.
Your baby or toddler suffers from diaper rash and is visibly uncomfortable,
especially when needing a diaper change.
With diaper rash, the diaper area usually looks red and irritated, often with red
bumps. The skin can feel warm and be quite sensitive. Your baby will often cry
while being changed.
What to do
To keep your child from waking up at night due to diaper discomfort:
• Use a good quality diaper.
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Thin/cheaper/lower quality diapers are great money-savers and are fine during
the day. But at night the investment of a high quality diaper can spare you a
couple of awakenings.
• Use the largest size diaper that still fits nicely.
This will give maximum absorption and keep diaper skin drier for longer.
• Add an extra layer.
Add an absorbing cloth layer on the inside of the diaper, or safely wrap around
an absorbing towel on the outside. This increases absorption and can keep your
child dry, and therefore asleep, for longer.
• Consider using reusable cloth diapers.
These offer superb absorption qualities, optimal comfort for your child and
flexibility to adjust absorption needs.
• Avoid diaper rash.
Do this by frequently changing diapers during the day, and at night if necessary.
Keep diaper area skin clean and dry as much as possible. Always rinse well after
gently cleaning and pat dry (no rubbing).
You may use a zinc oxide cream as a protective layer to prevent skin irritation.
In case of a diaper rash, treat to relieve as much as possible:
• Change diapers frequently and try to keep baby's skin as clean and dry as
possible. Once cleaned, rinse well with clear lukewarm water (easy with
soaked cotton balls). Pat the skin dry to avoid rubbing.
• Use a zinc oxide based ointment to protect the skin further – it serves as a
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protective layer.
• If practically possible (warm day, playing outside or on a protective sheet,
leave the diaper off. The skin will heal faster when uncovered.
Lost pacifier
If your baby is used to soothing and sleeping with a pacifier, or dummy, losing it during
the night easily causes unnecessary awakenings.
She may wake up as soon as the pacifier drops out of her mouth. Or she may first
sleep without it for a while but then need it at the next half-awake moment to
continue sleeping.
How to recognize
You will soon know when your baby starts waking up for her dummy:
□
□
Your baby wakes up several times each night, crying and without the dummy in
her mouth.
She does not feed, has no wet diaper or any other discomfort and goes straight
back to sleep as soon as she has the pacifier in her mouth again.
What to do
Even before your baby or toddler starts waking up for the dummy, 2 good habits will
help prevent those awakenings later on:
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• Reduce your child's dependence on the pacifier as much as possible.
Do not impose it. If your child cries or fusses, avoid the dummy as the first
rescue. A baby very quickly becomes conditioned. So if you feed the pacifier to
her at every whimper, she will become more dependent on it.
Start with distracting, holding to soothe, playing a little game, … first. Save the
pacifier for serious cases.
• Teach your child to find and put in the pacifier by herself.
From an early age – as soon as she can grab something – you can start
practicing.
Make it a fun game during which baby finds and picks up the dummy and then
places it in her mouth. This won't be easy at first but your applause at any
little progress will encourage her.
Playing these games regularly will be a great help later on when she must find
and put in the pacifier in bed.
If your child already wakes up regularly because of the lost pacifier:
• As soon as your baby is old enough, practice the “find and put in” pacifier
games as described just above.
• Make it easy for your baby to find the pacifier at night.
Avoid standard pacifier holders with hard clips that can injure your baby – for
example when lying on the hard parts.
A strong, safely attached, soft ribbon that is short enough to prevent
entangling, is a simple way to do this. There are also ready-made solutions on
the market, including soft cuddly toys that hold the pacifier near. Always follow
the safety guidelines closely.
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• Gradually wean from sleeping with the pacifier.
This is the long-term solution. If you use the pacifier to help reduce the risk of
SIDS, then wait to wean from it until your baby nears 1 year old.
The weaning process is very similar to the “From nursing to sleep to self
soothing” technique as explained on page 72. You adapt the technique to help
your baby get used to sleeping without the pacifier in her mouth.
At first she still settles with the pacifier and you gently remove it only when
she is deeply asleep. Gradually, you remove it a little earlier until you can
remove it when she is just drowsy and then finally not need it to settle at all
anymore.
Dummy or thumb
“A dummy helps protect against SIDS (cot death)”[4]
“It is more difficult to wean from thumb than from dummy”
“Thumb sucking causes teething issues”
There are pro's and con's to each soother option. And there is really no right or wrong here.
Most of all, your baby will be the one choosing.
You may have your own preference and ideas of what is best. It is a good idea to offer that option – naturally
without forcing. You can also re-try from time to time: if she didn't like it at one moment, she may love it a few
weeks later.
But in the end, baby chooses. She will take her thumb if that soothes her well. She will only accept the dummy
if she likes it. Or she may take nothing at all.
[4]
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Separation anxiety
Separation anxiety is when your child fears not to see you again after you leave. This
anxiety can pop up when you simply leave the room or leave your child with another
carer.
About separation anxiety
As a newborn, your baby knows no better than
she will never be separated from you. Also, at
this age, she does not remember that you exist
when you walk out of the room.
Then around 4 to 6 months old, your baby
learns that you and she are different beings.
She is now also able to remember you, even if
she does not see you.
But, if you do leave the room, she does not yet
have a sense of time nor the experience to
know that you will be back soon. She thinks it's
forever …
Separation anxiety behavior typically starts
around 4 to 6 months and peaks at about 1 to
1.5 years old. Still, some babies get rid of it
completely by 12 months and others still suffer
at 2.
Or when baby wakes up at night and you are
not there ...
During a phase of separation anxiety, your
child feels truly anxious about not having the
security of your presence.
Needless to say that that makes it more
difficult for your baby to settle back to sleep
alone when waking at night.
How to recognize
Separation anxiety may be causing your baby
or toddler's night awakenings if:
Observing your child's separation anxiety may
be heartbreaking but it is also an important
development phase. It is how she becomes a
confident independent person.
□
Your baby is older than 6 months old.
□ Your baby or toddler starts waking up
at night suddenly and for no apparent
reason, after having slept through well for several weeks or months.
□
You see separation anxiety signs during the day: your child is extra clingy,
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follows you everywhere, cries when you leave the room, cries when held by
another person, ...
What to do
To help prevent night awakenings due to separation anxiety:
• If it is not the case yet, install a night light in your child's bedroom or the
corridor nearby.
• Both during daytime and at night, reassure your child in a positively
determined way.
This means that whenever you leave her side, gently tell her it is alright, that
you are near and will come back but do not hesitate when leaving the room.
Your confidence (in her and in yourself) and determination shine through and
that is exactly what she is learning right now.
• Keep your promises.
Make sure you do come back quickly if you promised to do so. When practicing
at first come back ridiculously quickly (as “Toddler self soothing” on page 79).
It is amazing how much this builds your child's confidence.
• Play peek-a-boo games.
A big hit with every single baby I have met! Hide your face with your hand,
then appear … or hide behind the table (even half visible), the sofa, … and if
your baby is comfortable with it, hide outside of the room.
Make these games fun – stop if your child does not enjoy it anymore – and
entertaining.
Play peek-a-boo often whenever your baby or toddler goes through a separation
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anxiety phase. But also before, from as early as a couple of months old, they
are a powerful tool to prevent severe separation anxiety.
• Share tasks with your partner or another carer. This improves your baby's
confidence to be with others and reduces the effects of separation anxiety
phases.
• Do not ignore your child's separation anxiety, her fear is real. By acknowledging
her separation anxiety without over-dramatizing, you help build the confidence
your child needs to become a self-secure independent being.
A night terror
A night terror is not a dream. It is a state of mind in which your baby or toddler may
find herself after waking up from a deep sleep.
Night terrors are usually harmless and your child may not even be aware of them –
most children actually sleep through them. It is mostly heartbreaking for you as a
parent and it obviously disrupts your sleep.
Night terrors are also called sleep terrors or confusional arousal. A night terror is not
a nightmare, see the dedicated section below on page 53 for more on nightmares.
How to recognize
Your baby or toddler is probably having a night terror when:
□
□
She wakes up screaming as if terrified in the first half of the night, or within a
couple of hours of dozing off.
She seems to be wide awake, with eyes wide open, but isn't really. She does
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not react as usual to you, seems out of it, may move vehemently and is
difficult to calm down at first. She may sweat and breathe more heavily than
usual.
□
□
She goes back to sleep within a couple of minutes without fully waking up. Or
she may snap out of the night terror to wake completely.
She is 9 months old or more. Younger is possible but rare.
What to do
In the middle of the night:
• Most of all ensure that your baby or toddler is safe. Her uncontrolled
movements may cause her to harm herself (for example banging her head
against the crib side or wall, fall out of bed, …).
Place your hands on her forehead, shoulders or belly or pick her up to hold and
comfort her.
• Interact minimally, do not talk and especially avoid waking her up. Just gently
comfort her and put her back to sleep on as quickly as doable.
If the night terrors are frequent:
• Consider “Scheduled awakenings” (page 102) if your baby or toddler has
frequent night terrors. Do so with extreme care so as not to disrupt your child's
sleep patterns more than necessary.
Before starting the scheduled awakenings, write down times and days for at
least a week to have a good idea of when the night terrors occur. You will need
this to make the scheduled awakenings effective.
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• Consult your doctor to exclude any underlying medical cause if the night
terrors persist and worry you.
A nightmare
A nightmare is a scary dream that is truly frightening and wakes up your child
completely.
Once awake, she usually remembers the dream and remains truly scared for a while.
How to recognize
You can easily recognize nightmares with the following checklist:
□
□
Your child is 1 year old or more. Younger is not impossible but much less likely.
Your child wakes up frightened, possibly crying or screaming.
She needs your reassurance and it can take a while to reassure her well enough
that she can go back to sleep.
□
The awakening happens in the second half of the night.
What to do
In the middle of the night:
• Comfort and reassure your child. Hold her tight and stay close for a while.
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• If she is old enough to do so, ask her to tell you about the dream. Even though
it makes her go through it again, this usually helps to get rid of the scariest
thoughts.
If you notice though that it is better for her not to talk it through, then do not
ask for it.
• Help change her thoughts. Concentrating on something else (a pleasant story or
image) helps chase away the scary thoughts of the dream.
You can easily do this by telling a little story, about something your baby or
toddler likes.
What also works really well with many is to help create a picture in her mind.
Suggest that you both imagine a beautiful beach with a quiet sea and gentle
waves. Then describe that scene so you can both vividly imagine it.
Of course the scene can be anything that your child likes without it exciting her
too much.
• Act confidently and don't over-dramatize.
While your child may be truly afraid and it is heartbreaking, she also needs to
understand from your behavior that it is not the end of the world.
That is an important part of the reassurance. When you are not scared – not of
the dream nor of putting her back to sleep confidently – it gives your child the
confidence that it is indeed alright to go back to sleep.
• At any moment, stay in her room with her, or go back there together right away
if she came running to you.
Reassuring her in her room makes that a safe place too. This would not be the
case if you comforted in your room and then sent her off to sleep in her own
room (where she had the scary experience).
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• Follow your heart.
The above recommendations are rather strict and well-suited for mild night
mares. You comfort your child well and at the same time encourage her to keep
up good sleep habits.
However, your child may have extremely scary nightmares and/or be very
sensitive to them. In that case, by all means do not hesitate to spend as long as
it takes to comfort her, take her in bed with you if that is the only way she can
relax again, …
During the day, you can work to prevent future nightmares:
• Frequent nightmares can be due to general anxiety.
Ensure a safe, reassuring sleep environment. Avoid big objects with shadows, or
scary pictures. Install a night light and leave the bedroom door open if
possible.
Scary images in books or on television are classic nightmare inducers. For young
babies and toddlers, even a seemingly innocent picture can be more frightening
than we think.
• Have restful evenings without television, loud music or exciting activities. Stick
to a peaceful relaxing bedtime routine, as discussed on page 24.
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Teething – Reflux – Not well
Physical discomfort is a natural sleep disturber. When not feeling well, baby has a
harder time than usual to settle and to stay asleep. So you may see more frequent
night awakenings.
These can be quite necessary as you may
need to do something to help: rinse her
nose, check body temperature, give some
medicine, …
Prevention is valuable: it is important to
be alert and learn to recognize any
discomfort early. This allows you to
prevent the illness or discomfort from
Sleeping less or more
An illness or even teething typically increases a child's
sleep needs. That, combined with the more frequent
awakenings, easily results in a doubly fussy baby
(uncomfortable and over-tired).
You can help by being a bit more flexible right now.
The key is to help with settling more all while
keeping up the good sleep habits (see “What to do”
below).
getting worse, treat if necessary and pay attention to sleep specifically (see below).
How to recognize
Recognizing physical discomfort is easy most of the time. Still it is wise to be on the
lookout for less obvious signs too.
□
Common illnesses
The most common and frequent illnesses are easily recognized.
Your baby or toddler will have a fever, a runny nose, gas or a clearly upset
tummy (eat poorly, vomit or have diarrhea). Acid reflux is common too and
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easily recognized, see my dedicated reflux symptoms guide online.
□
Teething
Flushed cheeks, dribbling and chewing on everything are the most typical
teething signs. But they can remain hidden as well, leaving your baby in pain
for no apparent reason – until you can finally feel the tooth cutting through. Or
she may even have a fever only due to the teething.
Please view my teething signs page online for full details on recognizing
teething.
□
Severe illness
If you suspect an illness or in any way notice physical discomfort that you do
not know how to treat, always seek medical advice to exclude any serious
medical condition.
What to do
To avoid night awakenings due to physical discomfort, combine relief techniques with
flexible yet consistent sleep habits.
• The first, crucial, step is of course to relieve discomfort as much as possible.
This does not mean being overly enthusiastic with medicine. Medication may be
recommended in some cases – consult your doctor if unsure – but often home
remedies can be effective enough.
View my sleep disturbers section online for effective relief techniques and use
the teething remedies specifically when teething is happening.
• Be flexible without forgetting about good sleep habits.
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While she is not feeling well, your baby or toddler may need your help with
settling. Or she may only sleep when in your bed, not in her own crib. Or
request an extra night feed.
You may be reluctant to give in to this by fear of installing bad habits. And
there is indeed a risk … but that risk is only big if you delay reverting to good
habits timely …
Right now, your child is not well and getting any sleep at all is most important.
First because more sleep helps with getting better sooner. But also because you
want to avoid worse sleep patterns to set.
By waking often and then staying awake for longer because she cannot go back
to sleep easily, baby's body easily gets used to these longer awake phases at
night. Those may persist even once the discomfort has gone.
So your action plan for helping now without setting bad habits forever is:
• Keep the night awakenings as short as possible now.
• At the same time, pay extra attention to the basics of Step 1. Keep the same
consistent bedtime routine, the sleep schedule you had, … Don't give up on
that now, it is the foundation that will help your child sleep back on track again
as soon as possible.
• Go back to encouraging independent sleep as soon as your child's symptoms
decrease. Use the appropriate Step 3 “Self soothing technique” as described
from page 71.
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Uncomfortable when lying on the back
A stuck bone or nerve can make it painful for a baby to lie on her back for a prolonged
time.
This is not necessarily due to a serious disorder
but it is important to spot and treat correctly.
When lying down is unpleasant or even painful,
it is extra hard to settle for sleep when down
in the crib.
And then once asleep, baby will easily be
awoken and find it difficult to settle back to
sleep again.
How to recognize
My hat is too tight!
At birth, baby's tiny bones have a special
malleability that helps facilitate birth. A
difficult, very long or very quick birth can
however cause tiny displacements that
remain.
A fall or thump at a later age can cause similar
displacements.
These issues give rise to tensions (stuck nerves
or bones) in baby's skull, spine or pelvis.
This causes a possibly quite painful
discomfort. Specialists compare the sensation
to being wrapped in too tightly or wearing a
much too tiny hat.
The following symptoms and behavior are most typical of a baby who is uncomfortable
due to physical tensions in her body.
Use this list as a checklist: the more checks you have the higher the indication.
□
□
□
Baby has difficulty settling when lying down (with or without your help).
Baby often wakes up soon after starting to sleep.
Baby wakes up many times each night (more than for usual and necessary
feeds) and needs your help to settle again.
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□
□
□
□
□
Baby cries a lot, often even screams.
Baby often over-stretches her body while throwing her head backward or
presses her head against the bedside, a wall, your body, …
Baby often lies asymmetrically, i.e. has one preferred side to lie on, or to
position her head.
Baby tends to sleep better in a car seat, sling, swing than when lying down.
Digestive problems, heavy breathing, snoring and irritability accompany the
above behavior.
What to do
If you recognize several or more items in the above checklist:
• Make your baby or toddler as comfortable as possible.
As long as lying down is uncomfortable, carry your baby in a sling regularly. A
good sling will keep your child in a comfortable position that promotes healthy
spine development at the same time.
I explicitly recommend the Hug-a-Bub ®
more on baby wearing benefits.
style carrier for this. See online for
For best spine development, avoid frequent and long stretches in a car seat or
swing.
• Consult your doctor, explaining the symptoms and behavior you observe. It may
help to take notes for a couple of days so you can describe very clearly what is
happening.
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• Consider seeing a pediatric osteopath. A specialized osteopath can release the
specific physical tensions, often in just one or two sessions. The treatment is
extremely gentle – many babies fall asleep during the session – but can be very
effective.
Important note
Osteopathy is alternative medicine. Only consult a trained, fully certified osteopath who is specialized in
treating babies.
Most countries have an official osteopathy organization through whose website you can find a certified person
near you. Turn to an osteopath only if you trust him/her completely and understand what the treatment is
about.
The author of this book merely suggests this option but is not responsible for the choice of osteopath nor the
treatment and its outcome.
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Unable to self soothe
Self soothing is the key to sleeping through the night.
Sleep comes in cycles – for babies and adults alike – and at the end of each cycle
there is a brief half-awake moment. Self soothers easily go back to sleep so they
seemingly sleep through this delicate moment.
Babies and toddlers have sleep cycles of about 50 to 60 minutes. This means about
every hour is an easy moment to wake up. If your child is not able to self soothe at
that moment, she will easily wake up completely.
This can cause several or many night awakenings each night.
How to recognize
If your baby or toddler is not able to self soothe, or only in some situations, you will
notice that:
□
□
□
She needs your presence, touch or help to be able to settle to sleep.
She cannot go back to sleep without your help when waking up at night or in
the middle of a nap.
She self soothes in some situations but not always. She may settle all alone
when playing on the play mat in the living room, in the stroller or swing but not
when put down in her crib or bed. She may settle for naps but not at night.
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What to do
• Work with the “Self soothing techniques” of part 1 in this book and in Step 3
further on (page 71).
• If your baby is still very young – under 4 months old – understand that true self
soothing may simply be impossible for now. Focus on the good habits and basics
as described in Step 1.
Prepare for true self soothing later on with regular practice – simply put your
baby down awake from time to time or experiment with the gentle self
soothing method (page 75).
• If your baby self soothes in some but not in other situations: have a close look
at any differences between the different situations.
Mimic the self soothe situation as closely as possible at the other moments.
This can be as simple as making the room a little darker, feeding a bit earlier,
moving the crib to her own bedroom …
Ensure also that, when waking in the middle of the night, baby finds the same
situation as when first going down. Any change – such as being in a different
room or not having a cuddly toy – can be confusing enough to keep her from
easily settling again.
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Stuck in a sleep pattern
A sleep pattern determines when, how often and for how long one sleeps.
There is always a combination of:
• natural sleep patterns
• grown-into sleep patterns
Baby's natural sleep patterns develop automatically, and optimally, when baby is not
forced into an unadapted sleep schedule.
Baby's sleep patterns are also influenced by external factors. We call these the
grown-into sleep patterns. Feeding schedule, planned activities, sleeping place, an
illness or physical discomfort, difficulties to settle … all influence the way a child
sleeps and how much.
Your baby or toddler's sleep pattern can somehow become stuck inconveniently, i.e.
set to wake up once or more each night – with no other apparent reason.
Such sleep patterns that do not agree with your child's sleep needs and abilities at any
given time also make it more difficult for her to settle for sleep and stay asleep.
How to recognize
There is a good chance your baby or toddler's night awakenings are purely due to
stuck sleep patterns when:
□
She wakes up at fixed times each night for no obvious reason, wherever or
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however she sleeps, whatever your try.
□
She needs your help to settle to sleep again. This is either quick and easy or
takes half an hour or more – during which she is widely awake.
What to do
• When your baby is under 4 to 6 months old, allow her sleep patterns to evolve
naturally as much as possible.
Too much interference and trying to force sleep at specific times or for longer
stretches results in unadapted sleep patterns.
Gently guiding towards a good day/night rhythm as discussed on page 21 is the
main thing to do now.
• Ensure a sleep schedule that is well-adapted to your baby or toddler's needs.
If you have a good regular sleep schedule but with stuck sleep patterns, work
with the “Different bedtimes” technique (page 100). A well-chosen change in
schedule (evening bedtime and naps) is powerful to physically change sleep
patterns.
• Use the “Catch her before waking up” technique to help your baby or toddler
sleep through set awake moments (page 95).
• You can use “Scheduled awakenings” to help alter the sleep schedule (page
102). However, waking up a sleeping child is something we always want to
avoid. It's not only heartbreaking to do and to experience, but also usually does
not improve sleep quality going forward.
It can be effective in some cases though. So use this technique if nothing else
worked – and you have given each technique at least a week – and with
extreme care.
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Comfort
Sometimes your baby or toddler wakes up for no other reason than needing your
presence for a while.
We call this a comfort awakening, or comfort feed if feeding is what helps soothe
even if your child does not really need the food. This is a notorious bad habit you may
feel bad about as a parent. Even worse, others may make you feel guilty about it.
Don't feel bad, these comfort awakenings mostly come about naturally and without
you doing anything wrong.
Comfort awakenings are typically a remnant of true hunger, pain or anxiety
awakenings. The awake moments automatically become part of baby's sleep pattern
and often stay there even if the original cause disappears (for example when night
feed becomes unnecessary).
Also, catering to your child's needs by offering comfort and reassurance is important.
It is even crucial to help your child become a confident sleeper in the long run.
And finally, with determination and consistency you can well wean from comfort
awakenings while still offering the necessary reassurance.
How to recognize
When your child is purely waking up or feeding for comfort, you probably know
instinctively.
If you are unsure, go through the complete list of possible causes in this section. If
none applies, assume comfort awakenings.
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What to do
• Firstly, consider why your child asks for comfort in the night. If your child
and/or family is going through a stressful time – such as a new birth, starting
daycare, moving house, severe illness, … – comfort awakenings are very
normal.
Before working to wean from the awakenings, use the daytime to provide extra
reassurance in these matters.
Discuss possibly stressful events with your child. Even a small baby can be
reassured, maybe not by understanding everything you say but by feeling your
confidence and determination.
Spending ample time together in the new place (new room, new house,
daycare, …) is also great to help your child feel better about it later on.
• If your baby or toddler feeds at comfort awakenings, weaning from those feeds
is the next step.
When weaning from comfort feeds, we work to decrease the hunger feeling.
This true hunger feeling, grown out of the habit of feeding at this awakening, is
an important wake-up trigger.
Use the “Weaning from night feeds” technique in Step 3 that best suits you and
your baby or toddler's situation (page 83).
• If the feeding habit is not or no longer there, work with the “Self soothing
techniques” to gradually reduce the time you spend comforting your child.
Take your time so that your baby or toddler can build the necessary confidence
to make it through the night longer without your presence.
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Chapter 5. Step 3 – Use the right techniques
I
n this final step you complete the action plan to help your baby or toddler sleep
better nights by really taking care of those unnecessary awakenings.
From the first two steps you probably already have a good idea which technique(s)
you need.
Still, I recommend you still read through the whole chapter. You will find ideas to
improve your action plan further and adapt it fully to your child's needs.
Have you found you need to use more than one technique Not sure where to start It
is alright to combine the different techniques.
For example say your baby feeds several times a night out of habit and also has
trouble self soothing. It is fine to work on reducing the hunger feeling all while
practicing self soothing at the same time.
But always keep it doable for your child and for yourself.
If your baby is very much attached to nursing at night, gently reducing one feeding
moment will be more than enough at first. If she is going through a growth spurt, wait
with reducing the night feeds and concentrate on self soothing practice.
If sleeping in longer in the morning is more important to you now than getting rid of
that last night feed: by all means work on the morning wake ups first.
Just be consistent and work progressively. Your determination and the time you give
your child to adapt will help her develop the all-important lasting sleeping skills.
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Getting started
Keep this list with tips handy whenever you are trying to improve your baby or
toddler's nights. They are basic rules you can almost always use.
• Keep awakenings short, boring and in no more than dim light.
• Have your child stay in the bedroom.
Leaving the bedroom with her is a physical sign of interrupting the night.
Staying in the bedroom – also for diaper changes and feedings – reinforces the
good “night time is sleep and quiet time” habit.
• An earlier bedtime is better than a later one. Most of all avoid over-tiredness
whenever you can.
• Don't run in from the first second.
Unless your baby cries and is upset right away, give her a few moments. She
may simply turn around in her sleep and be able to settle again. A gentle noise
(for example rustling of your sheets) may be enough to reassure her of your
presence.
Rushing in right away may just wake her up and start a difficult process of
getting her back to sleep. Do go to her before she gets really upset though or
that will also make re-settling difficult.
• Be patient.
Although your sleep deprivation is tough, give your child time to adjust while
working with the techniques. She needs that time to physically acquire the
necessary skills.
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• Look after yourself.
Not getting enough interrupted sleep is tough – and that is an understatement.
“Nap while baby naps, sleep while baby sleeps” sounds good but is often
worthless in practice.
Yet looking after yourself is important while working to improve your child's
sleep. Therefore, do try to take ample time for yourself. If sleeping during the
day is impossible, make sure you can get some fun, relaxing time anyway.
During a nap, don't catch up on work, but do something you enjoy (read, do
some yoga, call a friend, …).
Don't hesitate to get help from family members, friends or a babysitter. Even
just an hour to yourself every now and then helps to recharge your batteries
and be up to another night.
• Write down your action plan.
Having your plan in writing makes it more concrete and helps you stick to it. It
also avoids any debating in the middle of the night on what you should to (for
example which feed you decided to wean from) or who should wake up (for
example which awakening your partner agreed to take care of).
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Self soothing techniques
Self soothing is the skill to settle and sleep without the help of a parent or carer. It
means that you can put down your baby or toddler awake and then she sleeps without
needing you further. So that means easy bedtimes.
But self soothing is also the key to sleeping through the night. That's because it allows
her to go back to sleep by herself when half-waking.
Why self soothing helps with sleeping through the night
Self soothing allows to sleep through the many natural half-awake moments we all go through each night.
Sleep always comes in cycles. Each cycle lasts about 50-60 minutes for young children (about 90 minutes for
adults).
Each cycle is the same and takes baby through a light sleep phase (20-30 minutes) first before going into deep
sleep.
This deep sleep phase lasts about 15-20 minutes.
The cycle ends with another lighter sleep phase, lasting 5-10 minutes.
Just before the next cycle starts, there is a brief half-awake moment. If something is bothering her, or baby is
not able to self soothe, she will wake up completely.
When to use the techniques
Whether your baby or toddler used to self soothe and now suddenly seems unable to,
or has never really self soothed, the self soothing techniques in this section help to
acquire the skill (again).
• There is no real age limit, but note that under 4 months old your baby may
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simply not be physically able or psychologically ready to self soothe. It is the
time to focus most of all on the basics of Step 1, to set the necessary stage.
At the same time, whenever you feel your baby is up to it, it is good to
practice self soothing regularly. You do this by simply putting her down awake
and see what happens. And also experiment with the appropriate self soothing
technique below. You will soon know if it is working well.
If it proves very difficult, there is no need to get frustrated or to force (which
can have inverse effects). Just give yourselves a break and then confidently
start again in a few weeks. This does not mean you cannot continue with the
other techniques in Step 3 if they apply to your situation.
• The most successful age to truly learn self soothing is between 4 and 12 months
old. Supported by all the basics from Step 1 and when done consistently, the
self soothing techniques below should give visible results soon.
• If your baby is older than 12 months and growing into toddlerhood, the self
soothing process will be similar but adapted to your grown-up baby, see
“Toddler self soothing” below.
Option 1. From nursing to sleep to self soothing
Before weaning
In the first weeks and months, it is very natural for baby to doze off while feeding
(breast or bottle). It is the absolute top positive sleep association: being fed, all warm
and cuddled up close to you. And you are usually relaxing and enjoying it too*.
As discussed earlier, a baby who associates sleep with warm, positive feelings is much
more likely to become a good self soother.
That alone is reason enough not to feel guilty about nursing your baby to sleep.
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Other advantages are short night awakenings –
quick feed and back to sleep – and sometimes
it is just the only way to get at least some
sleep for the whole family.
The short night awakenings are important to
help teach baby sleep through the night –
without waking wide awake one or several
times.
Remember to always keep baby upright for a
good while after nursing, and even move her
around a little, even if she dozed off.
This gives baby the opportunity to digest a bit
and burp if necessary – avoiding the risk of
waking up to burp or spit up 30 minutes after
being put down.
*Feeding to sleep – not relaxing
Of course you don't have to enjoy nursing or
otherwise feeding to sleep. We're all different.
But think for a moment why you are not
enjoying it.
If (breast-)feeding is just not working out for
you and it is becoming a chore to help your
baby settle in this way: don't worry and go
straight to the weaning technique below.
However, you may also not enjoy it because
you feel guilty about the bad habit, and think
you are spoiling your baby.
If that is your reason: please let go of those
thoughts. This is such a precious time with your
baby, one you may only appreciate when it's
over.
Relax about it, enjoy the feeding times
together.
At the same time, do keep keep self soothing
practice in mind and work with the weaning
technique whenever you think it is time.
The Gentle Unlatch Technique to wean from nursing to sleep
Physically for your baby, being nursed (or bottle fed) to sleep means being used to
having the nipple in her mouth when dozing off. This is the specific physical habit that
makes it difficult to self soothe when put down without nursing: she needs that nipple
to be able to doze off.
With this technique you teach your baby to doze off without the nipple. It is a very
precise technique that may take a bit of practicing but it is very efficient.
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Weaning from bottle feeding to
sleep
If your baby is used to dozing
off at the bottle, you can use
the same Gentle Unlatch
Technique to wean from that.
Simply replace “breast” by
“bottle” in the guidelines.
The final goal is that, at the end of a breastfeeding
session, you can remove your nipple before baby is fast
asleep – without her waking up.
This is how to use the Gentle Unlatch Technique:
• At each feeding, first make sure your baby drinks as
much as she needs to.
• When she has had enough has dozed off: very gently squeeze your finger top in
between your baby's lips and your breast. This releases the vacuum created by
baby's sucking.
• At the same time use another finger to tip up baby's chin to close her mouth.
Closing her mouth quickly is key: it avoids baby's natural reflex to reach for the
nipple again – an action that easily wakes her up.
• Practice this movement often until it becomes easy for you. If your baby keeps
waking up when you do it, do it later, meaning when she is faster asleep.
Practice until you are comfortable with the unlatch technique, and your baby
does not wake when you do it.
• Gradually unlatch earlier. Earlier here means when less and less deeply asleep.
You can either go by feel or otherwise time it. Keep a quiet timer next to you
to help you start unlatching a bit earlier each time.
• Keep doing the technique until your baby no longer nurses to sleep but nurses
until drowsy.
Once your baby no longer sleeps at the end of nursing you have two options:
• Try putting your baby down in the crib drowsy after nursing but not fully
asleep. She may happily doze off and sleep nicely from there. That is
wonderful news … self soothing success!
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• If your baby wakes up completely or cries when you put her down: hold her
after the feed to help her sleep for now. Then continue with the next
technique: “From holding to sleep to self soothing”.
What if it doesn't work
If your baby keeps waking up when you do the Gentle Unlatch Technique: try doing it later, meaning when she
is in a deeper sleep. Then go earlier very very gradually. Practice often, until you are really quick with tipping
up your baby's chin. It should be very much at the same time as when breaking the vacuum to release the
nipple.
Don't keep trying in vain until you both become frustrated. Especially if your baby is young, under 4-6 months
old, she simply may need to grow and mature a bit. Give yourselves a break of at least a week or two and then
try again.
If you consider using a pacifier, it can help with weaning from nursing to sleep. Keep in mind though that your
baby will then become dependent on the pacifier. This is not bad in itself but can become a problem if it goes
missing during the night and wakes up baby (and you).
When you do decide to use a pacifier, and with success, start teaching your baby early on to find it and put it
back in herself. Do this with daily find-your-dummy-and-put-it-in-yourself games ...
Option 2. From holding to sleep to self soothing
Before weaning
Holding, rocking or walking your baby to sleep are all typical, positive, ways to help
your baby or toddler settle. Your presence assures and your gentle movements help
with dozing off and with staying asleep.
Before starting the weaning technique, take some time to get to know and recognize
your child's sleep cycles.
A sleep cycle is the recurring set of different sleep phases that we all go through
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several times when sleeping. Baby and toddler sleep cycles are shorter than ours and
last about 50 to 60 minutes. At the end of each cycle, there is a brief half-awake
moment before the next cycle starts.
There are 3 phases in the cycle that you easily recognize when holding your baby or
toddler until she sleeps:
1. First light sleep
This is the sleep phase your child enters after dozing off. It is a light type of
sleep from which she easily arouses.
Your child is asleep but can still seem active. Her head may move from side to
side, arms and legs may move, eyes may move behind the eyelids and you may
see face grimaces. Breathing is fast and active.
This first light sleep phase lasts about 20 to 30 minutes.
During this phase you can put your child down in the crib and she may settle
nicely and continue sleeping. If she hasn't developed that skill yet, she will
mostly wake up completely when put down. For now, it is best to wait until she
reaches the next, deeper, sleep phase before putting her in the crib.
2. Quiet sleep
This is a deep sleep phase: your child is fast asleep and is not easily awoken.
Breathing is slower and deeper. Your child's body is completely relaxed, floppy
and her eyes are not or barely moving behind the eyelids.
This phase lasts about 15 to 20 minutes in younger babies but this increases to
become a longer and more important phase.
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The easiest moment to put your baby down in the crib is when she is well in
this deep sleep phase.
3. Second light sleep
This is another light sleep phase, a typical moment for dreaming from which
your child easily wakes up.
You can again observe the body and eye activity while asleep.
This is short phase of only about 5 to 10 minutes. It marks the end of the sleep
cycle. After a brief in-between moment, the whole cycle starts over again.
Take the time to observe your baby or toddler while you hold her – this is actually a
fun and interesting thing to do. Notice how she enters the light sleep phase first and
see how she gently moves into deeper sleep.
Ideally, take notes for a couple of days/nights. Write down the time of dozing off and
the time of transitioning from light to deep sleep. Note also at what point you put
your child down and whether she wakes up, half-wakes up or happily sleeps on.
The Gentle Self Soothing Method to wean from holding to sleep
The Gentle Self Soothing Method helps teach your baby or toddler to go down awake.
She is now used to dozing off in your arms. That physical habit makes it difficult,
confusing and surprising, for her to go down awake and self soothe.
Weaning from that habit gradually is important because that is how your child really
learns how to self soothe. She acquires the necessary skill by making the right
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connections in her brain. That is how self soothing becomes a long-term talent.
To get started with the Gentle Self Soothing Method:
• Make sure you have observed your baby or toddler's sleep cycles as described in
the previous section. Know when she sleeps lightly, when deeply and when is a
good time to put her down without waking up.
• From now on, gradually put her down earlier. Just a minute or so at first and
for a couple of times. Then a few minutes earlier again, more if you feel it is
going well.
• If your baby wakes up when put down, simply hold her for a bit longer. Then
move to earlier very gradually, with smaller steps.
• If it is going well, i.e. your baby always keeps on sleeping when put down: keep
gradually putting her down earlier. You can go in larger steps.
• The progress you are looking for is being able to put your baby down less and
less deeply asleep. You will go from deeply asleep, to less and less deeply
asleep, to half awake, to very drowsy, to less drowsy … until finally awake.
• Timing is important in this method. You have the choice to go by feel or by
clock.
• Go by feel if you have a really good sense of when your baby sleeps lightly or
deeply, and when would be “earlier” for her.
• If you do not feel this easily, don't blame it on yourself. Some babies and
toddlers simply do not show the signs clearly. Real clock-timing will be much
more precise then.
• If that is your case, keep a clock or a silent timer at hand to help you. Writing
down your findings definitely helps as well.
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Give yourself and your baby plenty of practice time. You may see some progress in the
first days and then feel like you have to hold her longer again. That is normal. Just
keep observing her closely and adapt the timings when necessary. You should see
progress within a week or two.
What if it doesn't work
If your baby or toddler keeps waking up when put down earlier:
• Give yourselves a break rather than getting frustrated. Come back to it in 2 weeks, you may be amazed at
the results then.
• Consider your baby's age. If she is under 6 months old, she may simply be too young and not able
(physically) to self soothe well.
• Refer back to Step 1 to see if there is anything you improve further there. Often a small detail can make
all the difference.
Option 3. Toddler self soothing
Once your baby grows up to be a toddler, there are a couple of things you can add to
improve the above techniques.
• Set boundaries.
This is a time when setting boundaries (rules) becomes more and more
important. Just like your toddler needs to learn not to touch the computer
screen, or finger-paint the wall, she can learn to stay in bed quietly after
bedtime.
As with the computer screen and the finger-paint, you may need to say this a
thousand times so consistency is key.
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• I'll be back.
Many toddlers have a difficult time to see you go once you put them to bed –
even when able to self soothe. It is a goodbye moment, and she would
naturally prefer to stay with you in the living room all evening … If your toddler
starts fussing and refuses to settle without you near, use the I'll be back
technique:
Tell her that you want her to stay in bed nice and quietly. Say that you will go
out for a little bit (explain a little something that you will do, can be as simple
as wash your hands, fold some laundry, …) but will be back soon.
Say that if she does stay in bed quietly, you will come back extra soon. Then
you go, after explaining again if necessary. At first, come back ridiculously
quickly, say even after half a minute. Play it by ear also, seeing how relaxed or
fussy she is. In any case, be back well before she gets upset.
Your goal is to be able to stay away longer, little by little. The first nights, you
may only go out twice for half a minute. Then stay until she sleeps. Then
increase your away times gradually until you will find her more and more
drowsy when you go back in, and finally find her asleep by then.
• If it is impossible to even start the I'll be back technique because your toddler
is terrified even if you leave the room for a few seconds, or she simply cannot
sleep with you around: use the Gentle Self Soothing method as above (p. 75),
adapted to your toddler:
If she can settle while you sit next to her and hold her hand, do that to help
her. But retrieve your hand a tiny bit earlier each time, then sit a bit further
away and gradually leave her side/the room a bit earlier.
Use the same progressive distancing technique for any which way you currently
help your toddler settle.
• An attractive place to sleep.
Unlike young babies, a toddler becomes more sensitive to the “look & feel” of
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her surroundings. One specific color may become her very favorite, she may be
crazy about toy animals, love everything about princesses or cars, …
Use those preferences to make her bedroom/bed just that little more
interesting and attractive. No need to buy a fancy fully furnished princess
room. Just a few small favorite items can do amazingly well.
• Talk.
What you say and how you say it influences your baby from very early on. But
as she learns to talk and your conversations become more and more two-way,
that influence increases further.
So discuss your toddler's current sleep situation. Not in a despairing or
reprimanding way, but with positive encouraging words. See it as a casual way
to show how you care: how important her sleeping well is that you trust her
ability to do it.
Indeed, it shouldn't become your daily topic all day … but use quiet moments –
like when relaxing in the sofa together, a diaper change, a walk in the park, …
Say that (s)he is a big girl/boy now and big children get to go to sleep all by
themselves. And you are always near but you will be so proud if she manages to
settle by herself, going to bed like a big girl/boy, …
I know that many parents don't bother with this after a while, thinking it won't
help anyway. Especially if you have strong-willed terrible-twos toddler who
does not seem open to reason at all …
But don't give up, if you manage to transmit your determination and confidence
on a regular basis, even in small amounts by talking about sleep every now and
then, it does make a difference.
• Use a sticker reward chart.
A sticker reward chart is a visible daily reminder to your child that you
appreciate her efforts. And it's fun too. That combination makes it very
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efficient and often leads to true physical results – the impact of motivation is
huge.
Download free monthly Super Sleeper Sticker Charts online here.
Set one specific goal when you start with the chart, e.g. staying in bed after
bedtime. Talk and discuss with you toddler well in advance so he knows – and is
excited – about it.
Then each morning, enthusiastically give a sticker if all went well (be flexible
at first to help build the confidence). If it didn't go well, mention it casually
with a “better next time” but no further fuss.
At what age can you start with a sticker chart Play it by ear, some are
sensitive to this reward system from 1.5 years old. Others won't care until they
are 2.5 or older.
Would letting baby cry be a faster solution
Letting a baby or toddler cry it out means having her cry alone until she sleeps, often with intermediate parent
interventions to check on baby. It is a controversial yet often used sleep technique which the author of this
book does not advocate.
Parents who feel crying it out does not harm their child but teaches them to sleep well testify to the sleep
training method's success.
The main risks of crying it out as a self soothing technique are not only possible physical and psychological
damage but also the short-term result.
Any disruption of the sleep routine (teething or a simple cold) typically puts parents and child back to square
one and the whole crying it out has to be repeated.
Letting your baby or toddler fuss for a couple of minutes is not crying it out. On the contrary, you may find out
that it is your child's way of winding down – getting rid of some tension.
If your baby does not become upset but quiets down gently by herself and then sleeps well: that is wonderful
and there is no need to interfere.
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Weaning from night feeds
Night feeds, absolutely necessary in baby's first weeks and months, become less vital
later on. Your baby or toddler may still wake with a true hunger feeling though – see
the discussion on page 31.
If truly not needed anymore, these feedings can cause unnecessary night awakenings
and you can start weaning from them.
For best results, use the most appropriate technique here alongside the
recommendations in Step 2 (see page 31).
When to use the techniques
You can start with the night feed weaning techniques whenever you are sure that one
or more night feedings is no longer truly necessary.
You can also start if you are uncertain, but really want to reduce the amount of night
awakenings. Just take your baby's age into account: under 6 months old it is still
absolutely normal to have one or two night feeds.
Typical situations to start from:
• Your baby has naturally stopped waking for most night feeds but there is still
one left. You would like to avoid it or at least postpone it to later in the night.
• Your baby wakes up many times each night, say 4 or more times, and will only
go back to sleep when fed.
To decide which technique to use, read through each of them and select the one that
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suits best right now. Remember to give any one experiment enough time to succeed
(at least a week) before giving up on it.
Getting started – Choose the no-feed awakening
When there is more than one feed to wean from, always wean from just one at the
time. That makes it doable for your child too. It also takes time for her body to adjust
well.
For example, say your baby wakes up at 9pm, 11pm, 2am, 3am and 5am.
Choose one feed to wean from first. Ideally pick the one who seems least important
to your child (she drinks the least then), closest to the previous feed or to leave the
most spread between the other remaining feeds. And start in the first half of the
night. So in the example, you would choose 11pm.
Stick to this one awakening consistently until it disappears. One at a time is most
efficient. It also makes it easier for you: no need to think and decide about what to
do and when in the middle of the night.
Once the first awakening has gone, choose the next one. In our example you would
then attack the 3am awakening. And so on.
Option 1. Sudden night feed weaning
Suddenly weaning from a night feed, by surprise, means that you do not feed at all
anymore at the chosen no-feed awakening.
• The main goal is to reduce the hunger feeling and/or the habit of feeding when
waking at this time. That is why, for now, it is fine to help your baby or toddler
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settle by touching, holding, walking, rocking, …
• As with any night awakening, it is extremely important to keep it short and
boring (no chatting, no funny smiles, no playing, …). You both stay in the
bedroom and avoid switching on any light (the dim night light should be
enough).
Be predictable by doing a sort of routine – ideally that last part of the bedtime
routine, see page 24 – telling her softly to go back to sleep now.
• If you used to nurse at this awakening, it may
be extra difficult to settle your baby again
without feeding. Even just the smell of your
milk is very inviting to her.
• If possible, ask your partner to take care of this
awakening. Without you in sight, and no breast
milk temptation, settling without nursing
becomes easier.
Organize this in advance too so both of you
know who goes at which awakening (sleepy, in
the middle of the night, is not a good time to
discuss who gets out of bed …).
Not with daddy!
If your baby or toddler is not used to
being settled back to sleep by your
partner, it will be no surprise if he
has a hard time at his awakening.
To improve this, they can practice
during the day by spending as much
time together as possible: playing,
chatting, going out for a walk,
bathing, … whatever is possible
practically.
Any quality minute spent together
will help at night.
• If your partner cannot take over at that
awakening you can limit the temptation by wrapping yourself up (for less
breast milk scent) and avoid positions you usually use when breastfeeding.
If this proves too difficult, the gradual weaning technique below will be better
suited.
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Option 2. Gradual night feed weaning
This gradual night feed weaning technique is very efficient and gives lasting results.
Choose the no-feed awakening well (see “Getting started” on page 83). If you start
with the truly least important one, and at a moment when your baby is ready, you will
see good results soon.
At the no-feed awakening:
• Decrease the amount of milk/calories your baby drinks.
If you breastfeed:
• Offer one side only if you offered two before. If that is too big a step, gradually
reduce the second side first.
• Progressively feed for a shorter time. The first nights, take tiny steps. Progress
if you feel you can.
Go by feel or use a clock to help you time. Your
baby drinks most in the first minutes of a feed so
start timing from there.
Example: baby is usually on the breast for 12
minutes before dozing off or unlatching by herself.
Time (feel or clock) from the beginning and stop
the feed after good 11 minutes for a first step. Stop
after good 10 minutes next, and so on.
If you bottle feed:
• When bottle feeding you have the option of
watering down. In stead of reducing the feed
So hungry!!!
What if your baby gobbles
down the feed until the last
drop No way she will go
drowsy before the bottle is all
empty
This probably means this is not
the right no-feed awakening.
Try weaning at the next awake
moment.
See if you need to work on
increasing the daily food intake
too (page 89).
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duration, you reduce the amount of calories per feed.
Do this by diluting the milk a bit more each night. So you then mix the same
amount of water with a bit less formula.
• Go by feel and how your child reacts to decide how quickly you progress. The
end goal is a sip of water, for which most likely your baby or toddler will no
longer bother waking up for.
• If your baby is used to being fed at night by one person (you or your partner), it
can also help to switch roles at this less-calories awakening.
• Your child may still need help settling after the short or lighter feed. It is fine
to touch, hold or rock her for now and then start working with the self soothing
techniques as you progress (see page 71).
Continue progressively reducing the chosen feed. Once it (almost) disappeared you
can select the next feed to start weaning from.
You will probably notice that other feeds start to disappear automatically or shift to
different moments. Use these changes to choose the next no-feed awakening wisely
(see page 83).
Option 3. Toddler night feed weaning
As a growing up baby and toddler, night feeds are rarely strictly necessary. They can
be, if your toddler cannot eat sufficiently during the day due to digestive or other
health issues.
When in optimal health, your toddler may request milk at night out of habit when
waking, as a way of spending time with you (comfort) or she may wake up with a true
hunger feeling (from being used to eat at that moment).
To wean your toddler from requesting a night feed:
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• Talk.
Discuss the night feeds with your toddler. Tell her she is a big girl/boy now and
big kids don't drink milk at night.
Take the time to discuss this regularly. Don't be angry and don't put much
pressure.
Just show that you find it important. Show that you trust her ability to do it.
Tell her that you will be very proud when she succeeds.
• Encourage with privileges.
For example: place a cup of water near the bed. Tell your toddler she is
allowed to get up (once, twice) all by herself (that is the privilege) to have a
sip. Then she can go to bed all by herself again …
• Encourage with a sticker reward chart.
A sticker reward chart is a fun and very efficient way to praise your toddler
after a good night, i.e. a night during which she did not request a feed.
Ideally, have a month long calendar with space for a sticker – or a funny
drawing –each day. You can get started right away with the free downloadable
Super Sleeper Reward Chart on Baby-Sleep-Advice.com.
Hang it up where your toddler sees it often (near kitchen table, bathroom, …)
and give her the sticker with a big applause in the morning after a good nofeed
night. If it didn't go so well, casually mention there is no sticker today but
keep minimal fuss.
What counts is the good days, with stickers …
• Increase the daily food intake.
Although not always as evident as before, toddlers have growth spurts too.
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They may then need extra food for a couple of days and/or end up with bigger
portions from now on.
If you missed that during the day, sudden night feeds come up. Use the
“Increasing daily food intake wisely” technique below.
Increasing daily food intake wisely
Reducing night feeds is often times easier when supported by a slight increase of food
intake during the day. However, this must be done very carefully because feeding the
wrong foods or too much can have an inverse effect.
When to use this technique
You can use this technique with any night feed you would not normally expect.
For example:
• Your baby or toddler slept through before but suddenly wakes up to feed again.
• Your baby or toddler is going through a growth spurt.
• Your baby requests feeds very frequently, say more than 4 times per night but
is no longer a newborn.
• Your baby seems hungrier at night than during the day.
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Use this technique wisely
Please be careful when using this technique:
• Do not stuff before bedtime.
Spread any extra you give throughout the day.
A big extra right before bedtime sends baby to sleep with a too full stomach.
(This is when feeding more than a standard feed). This can lead to digestive
issues and worsen sleep rather than improve
it.
Is it a growth spurt
It is true that some young babies may sleep
more deeply with a full stomach. However,
that sort of sleep is less healthy and
therefore to be avoided.
• Do not switch to formula in the hope of
more sleep.
If you breastfeed, avoid the temptation of a
bottle before bed. It very rarely helps but
often makes things worse. Introducing
formula milk has a better chance to upset
your baby's digestion than to lengthen her
sleep.
Also, breastfeeding less immediately leads
to less milk production, leaving your baby
with less overall. This again worsens things
rather than improve.
• Do not start solids early in the hope of more
sleep.
A growth spurt is when your child's
weight and length take a big jump in a
short time.
Growth spurts can occur at any age but
10 days, 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months, 4
months, 6 months and 9 months are
common averages. Most children have
further growth spurts as toddlers and
then in puberty.
In babies, a growth spurt typically lasts
3-7 days.
During this time, she will suddenly be
hungrier, maybe sleep more deeply but
possibly wake up more frequently – just
to feed.
To maintain the best sleep: offer food on
demand with emphasis during the day as
in the technique described here.
Meanwhile, keeping up the Step 1 basics
is the best guarantee to revert to normal
sleep as soon as the growth spurt passes.
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Before 6 months old, baby's digestive system is not fully matured. Introducing
solids – that includes the often thought harmless rice cereal – early often leads
to digestive problems and/or allergies. This results in poorer sleep rather than
longer nights.
Research also shows this link between shorter sleep and introducing solids
early. [2]
• Do not over-feed.
Offer food within the amount guidelines of your health care provider. If your
child already eats more than average or is overweight, avoid offering further
extras.
Follow your child's lead and don't force any food. You offer the extras but your
baby or toddler decides how much she has.
Option 1. More calories during the day
To increase your child's daily food intake carefully, look for opportunities throughout
the day to subtly add some calories.
• Add an extra milk feed.
Choose a moment during the day that squeezes in well with feeding and
sleeping schedules. Keep the best possible spread with other feed moments.
• Add a milk dessert to a solids meal.
Especially when just starting, a meal of solids is small. It does not offer enough
nutrients to be a full meal.
Encourage your baby to eat a good solids meal – adapted to her age – but make
it a habit to offer some milk (breast or bottle) as dessert. Gradually, the
amount of solids will increase and the amount of milk will decrease. The
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amount of milk your baby still accepts will also give you an idea of how filling
her solids portion has been.
• Ensure complete feeds.
When you breastfeed, have baby empty the first side well before offering the
second one. This is to ensure your baby drinks enough hind milk, the more
nutritious thicker milk that only comes after the light fore milk.
To do this, give ample time at the first side. Some babies need encouragement
as it takes a little more suckling effort to get the hind milk out. To help you can
gently massage the milk towards the nipple while baby drinks and until she
drinks well.
If your baby dozes off at the breast too quickly to take a full feed, gently keep
her awake by tickling her feet or hands, holding upright for a little while, a
diaper change in between, …
• Avoid distractions during meals.
During the day, your baby or toddler may be more interested by her
surroundings than by the food. Siblings playing, television, being on the move,
… can cause her to drink/eat less. With no distractions at all, nights may simply
become her natural top-up moment.
Find a quiet place to sit and feed to ensure your child takes a peaceful meal.
You may be amazed at how much more she drinks or spoons up.
• If you breastfeed and your baby is under 4-6 months old, consider cluster
feeding.
Cluster feeding is when you keep your baby close to you in the early evening
hours, allowing her to nurse non-stop. In early evening your supply may be a bit
less and your baby may be a bit end-of-the day cranky.
Snuggling in the sofa together for cluster-feeding helps you both relax,
increases your milk supply and allows baby to top-up on demand.
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Be extra careful though if your milk supply is too high in general, your baby
spits a lot or starts having cramps soon after you start cluster feeding.
Keeping asleep
Sleeping through the night is all about staying asleep after first going to bed. That is
what you can work on with the keeping asleep techniques.
The main aim is to help baby's body become used to sleeping for longer periods in a
row.
Often but not always, frequent awakenings happen right in-between sleep cycles (see
box on page 71). The brief moment at the end of a sleep cycle and before the next
one starts is a fragile one from which one easily wakes.
Keeping asleep then means bridging that half-awake moment to make it through to
the next cycle without needing help.
When to use the techniques
You can use these techniques when your baby wakes up say every hour or otherwise
very frequently. She will then probably wake within the hour after first settling and
then keep waking up very often throughout the night.
Working on keeping asleep takes quite some effort from you as a parent. For example
at times you may need to wake up at night even before your baby wakes or carry her
for a prolonged time.
To keep it doable, choose one or two awakenings at which you will work first.
For example start with the first two awakenings of the night. Or, if naps have the
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same problem, decide to work at naps only for now. Or one nap and one night
awakening.
Once you see the first results, you will either notice the other awakenings improve
automatically, or else continue with those progressively.
Before you start
• Be as well-rested yourself as possible.
The frequent awakenings surely don't allow you to sleep good nights but try to
top up whenever possible. Going to bed when baby first settles may seem
ridiculously early but you may get an hour or two extra before the first
awakening. This can make a huge difference.
Don't hesitate to ask your partner, a family member or friend to help out from
time to time. Some extra time for yourself or maybe even a nap, helps
recharge your batteries.
• Practice self soothing.
Self soothing is the most crucial must-have for staying asleep.
Use the appropriate self soothing technique (see page 71) and give your child
enough time to learn the skill well. Once she self soothes well, the keeping
asleep techniques will be much more successful.
If your baby is not quite self soothing yet, you can use the keeping asleep
techniques. But keep in mind progress will be slower and always continue the
self soothing practice at the same time.
• Install the basics and full comfort.
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Double-check each Step 1 key and relieve any
discomfort as described in Step 2. The basics
are even more important here than with any
other technique.
• Keep a simple log.
For at least 3 or 4 nights, write down at what
time your baby starts sleeping and at what time
she wakes up. A quick scribble during the night
will do.
Also helpful is timing how long after first dozing
off baby wakes up.
Recognize light and deep sleep
During light sleep, baby breathes
quickly, almost as when awake.
Her eyes may be moving under her
eyelids, she may wriggle and move
from time to time, her muscles can
a bit tense, …
Deep sleep is very different.
Your child then breathes more
slowly and deeply. Her body is
relaxed and all floppy.
Light and deep sleep duration are also valuable.
So if you hold or otherwise your baby to settle, see if you can notice when she
dozes off, when she enters light sleep and then deep sleep.
Write down all your findings and use them when working with the techniques
below.
Option 1. Catch her before waking up
It won't work if …
This technique only has a good chance if you can predict the awakenings quite precisely.
You also need to have a good keep-asleep technique. Some babies are very easily reassured and held asleep
with just a touch. But if your baby startles at the least touch or isn't easily comforted, this technique will not
work well: too much effort for too little gain.
Prefer the “On the move” technique right below. Also consider if “Adjusting sleep patterns” is right for you
(from page 99).
With this technique your goal is to prevent your child's awakening by reassuring her
with your presence.
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• Choose a moment at which your baby or toddler usually wakes.
Use your log as described just above to estimate when that will be. Typically it
will be something like “45 minutes after putting down”.
• Go to her about 5 minutes before the expected awake time.
Be very quiet and move softly so as not to wake your child. Then do something
that you know she likes and reassures her, but does not wake her up.
For example: place your hand on her tummy, place both hands on her
shoulders, stroke her forehead, tuck her in a bid tighter, hold her hand or even
just sit next to her, …
The last part of the bedtime routine can also be helpful (see page 25 for
ideas).
You may even be able to pick your baby up and hold her for a while without
waking up.
• Continue touching, holding or sitting for at least 5 to 10 minutes. You may feel
her half-wake up after a few minutes. Then wait a few more minutes and
quietly leave the room again.
The first phase after the half-awake moment is light sleep. If your baby is very
sensitive to waking up in this phase, you may need to continue to touch/hold
until in deep sleep again. This can take up to 20-30 minutes. This is a long time
but it can be necessary in the first nights. Then you can gradually retreat a
little earlier.
• Do as many awakenings as you find doable, at night and at naps. Even
practicing at just one or two awakenings – but then consistently – can be very
efficient.
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Option 2. On the move
With this technique, you train baby's body to sleep for longer stretches by keeping her
in motion. This is usually rather easy since most babies wake up less easily when they
move.
The secret is in consistency and transitioning back to crib or bed wisely.
• Choose a moment at which you can consistently keep your baby on the move
for at least 1.5 hour.
Naps are usually easiest for this. The first night stretch can also be doable –
especially when carrying in a sling (see below).
• During that time place your baby in a baby sling, stroller or car seat and go for
a walk or drive.
With a good sling, it is easy to stay in and be busy to keep moving. You will
then also feel when you can sit down or when you really have to keep moving
to keep baby asleep.
A good quality Hug-a-Bub ® style sling allows you to carry for longer without
pain or strain for yourself - view my baby wearing benefits page online for info.
Going out for a walk or drive can be more demanding practically. On the other
hand, it can do you both a lot of good to be forced to go out regularly at least
once day.
• Do this for at least 1 to 2 weeks.
Then, start putting your baby down in the crib or bed again at that given
moment. Go gradually: if you did the walk at two naps then start putting down
in the crib at only one of those naps. The other nap is still on the move at first
and you transition it a couple of days later.
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• What if your baby still wakes up as before when in the crib again
Go back to staying on the move for a few more days if you hadn't done it for
very long yet (i.e. just a week or less). Otherwise, consider reinforcing with the
“Catch her before waking up” (page 95).
• Avoid swings and maxi-cosi type car seats, especially when your baby is young.
Prolonged lying in those can harm your baby's spine development. Prefer a good
wrap sling or stroller with a full-flat option.
What if it doesn't work
What if you have tried both keeping asleep techniques above and your baby keeps waking up as frequently as
before
• If you had not done either technique for at least a week or two, continue for at least another week.
• Use both techniques alongside, for example after having done naps on the move for 2 weeks, start putting
down and use the Catch her before waking up technique. Or be on the move for naps, and do Catch her
before waking up at night.
• Read through Step 1 and 2 again to find out if you have not missed anything. Small details can have great
effects.
• If, in spite of your patience and determination, nothing works: give yourselves some rest. Go easy for a
week or two and then start afresh.
• For better results, you may need to adjust your baby's sleep patterns. Carefully work with the “ Adjusting
sleep patterns” techniques below.
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Adjusting sleep patterns
Subtle adjustments to your child's sleep schedule can efficiently shift sleep patterns
that are not well adapted, or got stuck.
Sleep patterns determine when and how much
your child sleeps.
There is an inborn part to sleep patterns, which
evolves naturally. The other part is influenced
by external factors, such as sleep environment,
feeding schedule, timed sleep opportunities, …
See page 64 for more on sleep patterns.
For different reasons, your baby or toddler may
grow into in a sleep pattern that wakes her up
at night more than necessary.
Be careful
There is a risk in too much playing with your
baby's sleep patterns.
The best-fitting sleep patterns are the ones
that evolve naturally.
Adjusting the sleep patterns should be no
more than arranging baby's sleep so that it
fits her natural sleep patterns well.
That means: avoid forcing baby into a
bedtime that corresponds to any theoretical
schedule say the babysitter's schedule. It is
important to have a schedule that also suits
you well practically, but encourage bedtimes
that really look after baby's needs.
When to use the techniques
You can use these sleep pattern adjustments for one or more night awakenings that
seem stuck at a specific time or in a pattern. And you have not found any other cause
in Step 2 (from page 31).
For example waking up for no apparent reason each night at 2am, even after having
been fed just an hour before.
There are two good starting points for sleep pattern adjustments:
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• You are ready to set a better sleep schedule.
Your main goal always is to have the best adapted schedule. That means your
child goes to bed when just readily tired, as discussed on page 26.
Take the time to record the Sleepy Signs Log as suggested. It will give you the
best schedule for your child and the best chances to change her sleep patterns.
• You are desperate for a change and have found no other solution.
If your child's sleepy signs are unclear or you have no idea how her sleep
schedule can be improved, it will be difficult to arrange the best-fit schedule
precisely.
But it is a good idea to experiment with different bedtimes. This may lead to a
bit of trial-and-error but can work really well.
Option 1. Different bedtimes
To adjust your baby or toddler's sleep pattern, a different bedtime is most efficient.
For best results:
• Prefer an early bedtime.
Early bedtimes are almost always better than late bedtimes. Early means
anything between 6 and 7.30 pm. The later after that your child's night starts,
the bigger the chance her sleep issues are related to the late bedtime.
As a rule of thumb, if bedtime is currently on the late side: shift to earlier. If
you are early already but feel that you can still go from say 7.30pm to 6.30pm,
that is good.
• Shift bedtime to later if necessary.
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If your child's bedtime is currently on the early
side and shifting to earlier just makes no
sense: you can shift to later.
Only do this if you are absolutely sure that she
will not be over-tired by then.
• A drastic change or go gradually
You can either shift the bedtime by 30 or 60
minutes drastically, from one day to the other
or progressively change it by 5 to 10 minutes
every day. If you have a personal preference
for either option, choose that – both
approaches have the same end result.
Still, the drastic change will be most efficient
if your baby or toddler still settles well at that
new bedtime.
Rush hour bedtime …
What if putting your baby or toddler
down to bed early is practically very
difficult for you
6-7pm is typical rush hour in many
families. It may also be the one
moment of the day you have time to
spend together.
Do try to arrange the best bedtime for
your child though. The better nights
will be rewarding enough to make up
for the practical hassle.
But, if it means too much stress then
keep the later bedtime after all. Your
stress is felt by your child and that
will only worsen sleep, not improve it.
If the new bedtime gives settling problems then prefer the progressive shift.
• Give it time.
It may take a week or two for the results of the new bedtime to be clear. So do
not give up on the new bedtime after having changed it for just one night.
If you take the progressive approach though, it is fine to change every day or
every other day until you reach the bedtime you had in mind (typically half an
hour or an hour earlier or later than before).
• You can adjust nap times in a similar way at the same time or separately.
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Option 2. Scheduled awakenings
Consider scheduled awakenings if:
□
After having gone through Step 1 and Step 2 diligently, you are convinced your
baby is waking because she is stuck into waking up at this given moment for no
apparent reason or she is having night terrors (see page 51 for details).
and
□
You have tried the appropriate Step 3 techniques to no avail or for some reason
do not find them appropriate.
Use this technique wisely
The scheduled awakenings technique comes with a warning. Waking up a sleeping child should be avoided as
much as possible because it has a real risk of unsettling her sleep.
This means that also the good parts of her current sleep situation – such as good self soothing, few night feeds,
restful sleep, … – may regress.
So, use the technique very carefully, and only if you are convinced the awakening(s) you are working on is a
pure stuck habit one.
Once you are convinced to work with scheduled awakenings:
• Write down the time of the awakening(s) as precisely as possible.
Keeping a written log for a couple of nights is very helpful for this. It will give
you a more precise insight than simply remembering the wake up times more or
less.
• Go to your child about 30 to 60 minutes before the usual wake time.
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Your goal is to gently stir her a bit so that she half wakes up and then goes
back to sleep again. You may need to help her settle well again.
To stir, it can be enough to stroke her forehead or her belly, hold and move her
hand a little, half roll her over very gently, … You may even be able to pick her
up to get a stir, then rock her a while to help her doze off again before putting
back down.
Go by feel to find out what works. What you want to see is that she comes out
of her sleep phase (eyes may or may not open, her breathing quickens, her
arms and legs move about, …) and then settles again.
• You may end up with a very upset and crying baby – it is no fun being awoken
from deep sleep. She may not even be truly awake, just disturbed. If that
happens, stay calm, don't talk too much but hold/rock to gentle soothe again.
This does not necessarily mean it won't work. It is a sign to be a bit more
gentle (waking less) next time.
However, if the scheduled awakening consistently upsets your child like this
and it takes a long time before she goes back to sleep, then it is better to stop
doing it for now. You can try again in a good week if still necessary.
• Do this for 4 to 5 nights in a row. Then pause to allow the effect to show.
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Later mornings
Most babies and toddlers are up early for the day. That is a natural aspect of their
sleep patterns.
Anywhere between 6 and 7am are very typical
morning wake-up moments. Depending on
your own schedule, this may be a normal time
to start the day or still be very early.
Your child may also be up for the day at 5am,
which is scarily early for most parents who
are not natural early birds.
When to use the techniques
You can use the techniques below whenever
your baby or toddler's night ends too early.
Later bedtimes for later mornings
Although it may seem logical at first sight,
putting your baby or toddler to bed later does
not guarantee a later morning.
On the contrary, a later bedtime that is not
well adapted to your child's needs means she
starts sleep when too tired (even if it doesn't
look like that).
This leads to restless nights with frequent
awakenings and more often than not an early
morning too.
If you do feel a later bedtime would be better,
follow the dedicated guidelines in “Different
bedtimes” on page 100 carefully to install that.
If you are used to starting your day not before 8am, it is important to recognize that
7-8am is not all that early for a young child.
You can work with the techniques to help her sleep as long as possible. But it would
be unfair to expect her to sleep in later than she naturally can.
As a preventative measure, ensure constant light and temperature in the bedroom.
Early morning light creeping in or a temperature drop or rise can by themselves cause
the early awakenings.
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Option 1. Timing breakfast
Breakfast is an important meal, whether your baby has night feeds or not.
Even when still on night feeds, breakfast usually is a bigger and more nutritious meal
than those feeds. This is the case naturally with breast milk which is most nutritious
in the morning.
But also with formula or solids for breakfast, your child's breakfast portions will be
more substantial than the night time ones.
And also long after your baby stops feeding at night, her morning wake up time is
linked to hunger. She wakes up ready for breakfast.
There are two options to help stretch the night to a later morning wake up:
1. Treat the early awakening as a night feed.
If that fits your own schedule, don't consider this awakening as the start of the
day. Keep lights dim, interaction minimal, … as described in the section on “A
good day/night rhythm”, page 21.
Feed and then put back to bed as if you would during the night.
Even if your baby only sleeps for an hour more after this, it is a good step
towards longer mornings. Once you feel this feed becomes less important, use
the “Gradual night feed weaning” technique described on page 86 to push the
morning wake up further.
2. Shift breakfast time forward.
A very gentle way to shift the morning wake up to later is to distract your child
for some time before breakfast. When your baby or toddler wakes, do not rush
with the breakfast. Take some time to play a bit in bed, change her diaper, get
dressed, set the table together, …
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As usual, don't overdo it. If your baby is desperately hungry – maybe after a
long sleep through night! – don't make her wait too long. Just gently stretch
with the distractions, but only within what is still comfortable for her.
Doing this even just five minutes per day you will be shifting her hunger feeling
forwards. That in turn helps shift her wake up time to later.
Option 2. Toddler early bird sleeping in
Toddlers are notorious early birds … usually waking up well before her parents are
ready for the day.
If none of the Step 2 wake up causes is behind these early awakenings, use either
“Timing breakfast” option as discussed above.
But also help your toddler understand and learn when the day can start:
• Set a morning wake up time.
Depending on your own schedule and what seems reasonable for your toddler,
choose a time around which your day starts. This is the wake up time you will
work towards.
Make it part of your toddler's boundaries. Explain to her that that is when your
day starts and that you want her to stay in bed quietly before that.
Make it clear that she needs to wait for you to come to her in the morning or
allow her to come out of bed by herself from that moment on. A toddler alarm
clock is ideal in this last case.
• Use a toddler alarm clock.
Your toddler may be too young to read a real clock reliably but she definitely
understands a change in picture or a light being on or off.
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That is what a toddler alarm does. See online for recommended toddler alarms
and automatic timers.
You set the alarm to your decided wake up time. At that time, the night light
switches off or the night time
picture changes into the daytime
Weekdays and weekends
one – for example a sleeping bunny Universal guidelines for healthy sleep – for babies and
becomes a running bunny.
When your toddler wakes and sees
the light off or the daytime picture
appeared – which she will soon
love! – she knows that the day can
start.
Explain to her that it is OK to be
awake earlier. She just needs to be
quiet, and try to sleep, until the
clock switches.
adults alike – tell us to go to bed and wake up at the
same times every day, with no difference between
weekdays and weekends.
Likewise, we cannot expect our child to sleep in just
because it's the weekend …
… and then wake up in time for day care on
weekdays.
Weekend mornings, with more time than weekdays,
can be good moments though to work with the Later
mornings techniques.
Most toddlers love this system and
quickly understand how it works –
usually with great success.
The progress you make will also help during the
week.
If the gap between when your child normally wakes and what you want as
morning time is an hour or longer, it is best to work gradually. You then re-set
the clock to later step by step – 15 minutes at a time. Don't expect too much
too soon or you'll loose the effect.
Praise your toddler when she does well, re-explain if it doesn't work. You can
also work with a sticker reward chart to help encourage.
If it doesn't work at all, don't worry. Your child may be a tad young. Simply give
yourselves a break for two weeks and then try again.
• Sticker reward chart.
Whether you work with the toddler alarm clock – which I highly recommend – or
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No-Tears Sleeping Through the Night
simply teach your toddler to wait until you go to her in the morning, a monthly
sticker reward chart can be of great help.
Place the monthly chart well in sight and praise your toddler with a cute
sticker or drawing after each good morning.
You can download and print convenient Super Sleeper Sticker Charts for free
from the site.
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No-Tears Sleeping Through the Night
Chapter 6. Appendix: Sleepy Signs Log
U the key to discover the best daily sleep schedule.
se the Sleepy Signs Log to record your child's sleepy signs during the day. It is
How to record your log
Time: the time or time span of when you observe.
Activity: sleeping, waking up, feeding, out for a walk, playing on the floor with
daddy, …
Behavior & Sleepy Signs: how is your child right now Relaxed, fussy, laughing, very
active, … Look for typical sleepy signs like staring, yawning, rubbing eyes, …
Awake/Tired Level: What describes your child best right now: happily awake, almost
tired, readily tired, over-tired. These levels will be your best guide to find a good
schedule. Record asleep during naps or night time sleep.
Remarks: anything special today A cold, grandma visiting, vaccination, …
See the following page for example entries.
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No-Tears Sleeping Through the Night
Getting Started
Print the empty template log below as often as you need to keep the log for several
days.
Or download the free app (Nap in a Snap) to your Android device and keep your Sleepy
Signs Log conveniently on your phone or tablet.
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Example Sleepy Signs Log
DAY Fri, Jun 17, 11
Time Activity Behavior & Sleepy
Signs
Awake/Tired Level
Remarks
6.00am Wakes up, breakfast (nursing) Happy, smiling Happily awake Woke up 3 times to
feed during the night
(11pm, 1am and
3am)
6.30-8am On the floor, playing Seems relaxed at
first but starts
squirming towards
8am
A little fussy around
8am
8.30am
With me on the sofa,
'chatting'
Active but seems
uncomfortable,
maybe hungry
Almost tired
9.00am Nursing Dozes off at the
breast, wakes up to
nurse, dozes off, …
Fussy
9.30am On the floor Cries, uncomfortable Over-tired
10.00am In the crib Refuses to sleep, only
sleeps after rocking
for 30 minutes, then
sleeps for 40 minutes
Over-tired
Lisa over for coffee
... ... ... ... …
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No-Tears Sleeping Through the Night
Sleepy Signs Log
DAY
Time Activity Behavior & Sleepy
Signs
Awake/Tired Level
Remarks
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No-Tears Sleeping Through the Night
Chapter 7. About the author
H
eidi Holvoet, PhD is a professional sleep parenting consultant, author and
founder of Baby-Sleep-Advice.com.
Baby-Sleep-Advice.com is the online resource for everything related to baby and
toddler sleep. Heidi authors articles about best practices to get the most sleep for
both parents and children – all backed up by research and a thorough understanding of
sleep.
Heidi's sleep parenting creed is “There is no magic”. No single sleep solution works
for every baby in every family. A baby and her family are unique and so is the best
method to help her sleep.
Heidi's mission is to guide you towards the best method for your child and family. This
starts with the basic facts and guidelines towards situation-specific advice.
On the site:
• Parents receive personalized advice to their specific situation through the Ask A
Question on the site and private online counseling services.
• Discover how others are dealing with their sleep issues through parent stories
and sleep diaries and let them reassure you by simply showing that you are not
alone.
• Product reviews give the unbiased experienced advice by Heidi and other
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No-Tears Sleeping Through the Night
parents about which products help their children sleep better and make our
lives more comfortable.
• The free monthly newsletter, tweets and facebook updates keep visitors tuned
with all the latest on the site:
Subscribe to the newsletter:
http://www.baby-sleep-advice.com/baby-sleep-advice-newsletter.html
Join Baby Sleep Advice on Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/BabySleepAdvice
Follow Baby Sleep Advice on Twitter:
http://twitter.com/BabySleepAdvice.
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No-Tears Sleeping Through the Night
Chapter 8. More books by Heidi Holvoet
Also in the No-Tears series ...
“Pleasant to read, easy to do and above all: it really works!”
Self soothing is the single most important sleeping skill to have.
It is the key to sleeping through the night and the basis for healthy
sleep as a child and later as an adult.
“No-Tears Self Soothing” takes you through the necessary steps to
teach your baby or toddler to settle independently.
By doing the 3 steps, you naturally and automatically adapt the
action plan and techniques to fit your baby's maturity and ability as
well as your own family situation for best results.
Download
“He naps! Twice a day, every day! I didn't know my little boy could be so cheerful.”
"Nap in a Snap" is a complete guide to help your baby/toddler nap
well. It offers the easy no-tears tools to discover and set up the
right nap routine, whether that is a strictly timed, a pattern eatsleep-play
or baby-centered routine.
The 3-step program helps you find out what works best for your
child. Then with the perfect-fit nap routine at hand, you learn how
to install and keep up the good naps.
Also: help with settling for naps, extra complete naps tips list and
how to solve the 5 most common nap problems. Download
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No-Tears Sleeping Through the Night
Bibliography
1: Super, C. M., Harkness, S., van Tijen, N., van der Vlugt, E., Dykstra, J., & Fintelman, M., The
three R's of Dutch child rearing and the socialization of infant arousal., In S. Harkness & C. M.
Super (Eds.), Parents' cultural belief systems: Their origins, expressions, and consequences. (pp.
447-466). New York: Guilford Press. 1996
2: Nevarez MD, Rifas-Shiman SL, Kleinman KP, Gillman MW, Taveras EM., Associations of early life
risk factors with infant sleep duration., Acad Pediatr., 2010 May-Jun;10(3):187-93.
3: Darcy A., Thompson, MD, MPH, Dimitri A. Christakis, MD, MPH, The Association Between
Television Viewing and Irregular Sleep Schedules Among Children Less Than 3 Years of Age,
Pediatrics. 2005, Vol. 116 No. 4 October 1, pp. 851-856
4: Hauck FR, Omojukun OO, Siadaty MS, Do pacifiers reduce the risk of sudden infant death
syndrome A meta-analysis, Pediatrics. 2005 Nov, 116(5):e716-23
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