Spring 2013 - The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

Drunk Children,
You may not believe it based on the constant insincerity in my voice, but I
truly believe this has been a historic year for Penn. Hurricane Sandy tragically
forced thousands of students to get drunk and watch Netflix for two days.
People questioned the university’s hiring practices, I adequately answered
their complaints, and no one talked about diversity at Penn ever again. And
the Making History campaign managed to milk $4.3 billion from donors who
could have easily spent that money on cancer research instead. In unrelated
news, your tuition will be going up 12% next year.
Volume LXXXVIII Spring 2013 Issue Four
Senior Citizens:
Raj Gopal ‘13
Jonah Lustig ‘13
Nabil Mehta ‘13
Sam Pasternack ‘13
Daniel Weinblatt ‘13
Lance Wildorf ‘13
Empress Queen:
Monica Schechter ‘14
Executive editors:
Julia Hurley ‘14
Justin Starr ‘14
Dashing Spy from Vassar:
Evan Spiller ‘13
Managing editors:
Nikhil Menezes ‘15
Kira Simon ‘15
Jonathan Calles ‘16
Editor in Cat:
Stevie ‘13
Look Ma, We’re
Editorial Staff
Popsicle Monkey:
Daniel Gelfarb ‘15
Around Town:
Michelle Kaplan ‘13
Monica Martin ‘13
Sarah Schlein ‘13
Associate Editors:
Hayley Brooks ‘14
Emily Leven ‘14
Jamie Picano ‘14
Naomi Mae Shavin ‘14
Tarek Elsayed ‘15
Andres Gonzalez ‘15
Hamza Qaiser ‘15
Noah Goldman ‘16
Meaghan Harding ‘16
Kishan Patel ‘16
Brendan Smith ‘16
Myles Wolfe ‘16
Jaimie Zhang ‘16
More Content Available Online at
thepunchbowl.net facebook.com/pennpunchbowl @ThePunchBowl
You are currently holding a PDF made out of paper.
Sure, it sounds pretty steampunky now, but back in
1899 when we first started peddling this garbage,
tree killing was all of the rage. And no budget allocating
student government body helps us more in
our misguided and horribly dated mission to eradicate
this earth of giant broccoli more than SAC. Ink
all over your hands Thank SAC. Staples caught on
your sleeve Thank SAC. Paper cuts on your eyeballs
from a close reading Thank SAC.
But don’t thank them too much, because they keep
denying our contingency requests and dammit
those staff reverse-lobotomies are really starting to
add up. Fortunately, we get additional support from
our dear predecessors, like Michael Gessel, Aaron
Short, and DP Dough. Good Ol’ DP Dough, we remember
when he was on our staff. He even used his
real name, Daily Pennsylvanian Doughblatt.
Copyright Punch Bowl 2013. Where we come from, copyrights mean something, Penn Bookstore.
Big Spoons:
Conor Nickel ‘14
Suvadip Choudhury ‘15
Connor Ryan ‘15
Daniela Bucay ‘15
Daniel Gillis ‘15
Rob Golden ‘15
Zola Ray ‘15
Theo Trampe ‘15
America Perez ‘16
Shira Stearns ‘16
Jared Wishnow ‘16
Little Spoons:
Anita Gade ‘13
Edward Lando ‘14
Faryn Pearl ‘14
Laura Doherty ‘15
David Tompkins ‘15
Sam Anthony ‘16
Ben Behrand ‘16
Emily Chisholm ‘16
Adam Cole ‘16
Rod Cook ‘16
Britt Gilbert ‘16
Talia Marcus ‘16
Brendan Murray ‘16
As you finish reading this rant and move down to
the whimsical-but-slightly-threatening copyright
line, just remember that this publication was created
by people, and not just that list of fake names
above. Real, breathing, disturbing people who
think things like kids doing drugs and overt racism
will make you laugh. Does it make you laugh
Maybe some of these writers aren’t even associated
with Punch Bowl. Maybe there’s a person
who sneaks into the publisher the day before the
magazine goes to print and uses this space as the
only means of expressing himself, and has been
doing this for four years. And maybe this person
has been waiting four years to reveal that…hey!
What are you doing Get off of me! Ow! Ugh. Arhgharhgh.
OH GOD WHAT IS THAT PLEASE, I
HAVE A FAMILY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
But this has truly been a historic year because of you. Yes, you, Rebecca.
Your tireless work ethic and ability to finish the Smirnoff in the freezer have
Made A Difference. But it’s not just Rebecca! Penn students of every class,
culture, and girth have made this year a special one.
Freshmen switched things up this year and were surprisingly tolerable to look at. Sophomores…well, sophomores
didn’t do shit. Sophomores never do shit. But at least the juniors went to work. The juniors spread the
Penn name abroad while using recreational drugs in the Eastern bloc, then came back to wear suits every day
in February and endure harrowing ordeals in Career Services. Other juniors even participated in OCR. Finally,
the seniors acted like big men on campus, big women on campus, and, for a brief period, big lizard people in the
sewers. 10,000 students, unified by one goal: to be remembered. To leave a legacy.
The truth is, your time at Penn will not be marked by your grades and all the illegal things and immigrants
you did to get those grades. Your time at Penn won’t be marked by the people you slept with (Karen) or the
boyfriends you stole (Karen). It will be marked by the times you made someone else happy, if only for a fleeting
moment. It will be marked by your influence on the communities of Penn, and the untold generations who
will one day join those communities. It will be marked by the small triumphs of mind and soul you achieved in
your darkest hours.
And also whether or not you got a high-paying job after graduation. Because as the saying goes, it’s never
easy to say goodbye, but it’s even less easy to pay off those crippling student loans. Seriously, if you don’t get to
work right now it’s going to take you like 30 years to pay this off. Consider marrying rich (it’s easy AND fun!) or
“speeding up the process” on your Grandma’s will (less easy, but twice as fun!). Either way, my ever-expanding
network of hired goons will make sure you get us the money. They will chase you to the ends of the Earth.
So when you’re out in the real world, cherish the brief time you had here. Remember your days at Penn, even
the days when you were blackout for like seven straight hours on absinthe. Because, in the end, Penn will always
remember you.
Inspiringly yours,
Amy La’Ronn Gutmann, President
Amy Letter
3

FIRST DRAFTS OF
BIBLE VERSES
Acts 18:11
So Paul stayed for a year and a half,
crashing on their couch and eating
all of their Cheetos teaching them
the word of God.
2nd Samuel 11:2-3
One evening David got up from his
bed and walked around on the roof
of the palace. From the roof he saw
a woman bathing. The woman was
very beautiful, and David painted a
blurry picture and jerked off to it for
a couple of weeks before he worked
up his courage and sent someone to
find out about her.
Psalm 23:1
The Lord is my shepherd; and sometimes,
shepherds have sex with their
sheep and don’t tell anyone about it
I shall not want.
Phillippians 4:13
I can do all
things through
steroids Christ
who strengthens
me.
Exodus 20:3
You shall not
murder unless
you think they
deserve it or
you have a really
good lawyer.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not
be afraid or terrified because of
them, for the LORD your God goes
with you; he will never leave you nor
forsake you except for a few thousand
years after you murder Jesus.
Genesis 7:4
You know Noah, I think elephants
are my favorite animals. No offense.
Matthew 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they generally
have huge dicks shall inherit
the earth. And I’m pretty meek.
Genesis 2:3
Are you guys writing this shit down
What You Sacrifice
Tree
White person
Badger
Dignity
Lamb
Thousands of dollars worth of
tuition and living expenses
Self
Aardvark
Fear of strangers
What You Get
Sarcastic “very impressive” reply
from Quetzalcoatl
Thank you note signed by all of the gods
A big fucking boat!
Walk-on role in “Apocalypto”
Commemorative broth bowl with
framed certificate of authenticity
Not even a “thank you”
MYSTERY SURPRISE GIFT
Free spin
Smallpox
John 14:6
Jesus said to him, “I
am the way, and the
truth, and the life.
No one comes to
the Father except
through me. So
next time you catch
me masturbating,
you bring it up
with ME FIRST ok
guys
Revelations 23:9
And the Lord said
unto the Corinthians,
“Just so there’s
no confusion, very
few specifics in
this book will be
applicable in a few
thousand years. But
you guys get the
basic gist right”
Matthew 16:18
And I tell you that you are Peter,
and on this rock I will build my
church. I know some contractors, so
we might be able to get a good deal.
Deuteronomy 5:4
Thou shalt have at most two other
Gods, but none of those Egyptians
sun Gods or anything weird.
John 22:13
And then lightning struck the lepers
and the whoremongers, and it was a
random freak accident they knew it
to be the wrath of the Lord.
Psalm 18:20
And God spake “the blacks are
inferior beings” (

Doesn’t Have
D.P. Dough
Not as cool
as UPenn
Roman Torture Pitch Meeting
[For the whore]
Caerulius: Let us put a chicken inside
of a dog, then feed that dog to
a snake. We shall toss the snake to
the lady of the night.
Lucius: But Caerulius, the product
is merely tossing a fat snake at a
whore.
Caerulius: Something you are quite
familiar with, Lucius.
-----
[For the glutton]
Octavius: Burning. Burn them all, as
I have suggested many times before.
Cassius: Octavius, for the last time,
no human birthday candles!
Octavius: Why not ‘Tis an idea fit
for the gods! We try to blow them
all out, and then we get cake.
Cassius: Preposterous. The victims
will melt onto the cake and get it all
gross and stuff.
[For the murderer]
Marcus: This monstrosity of a human
being killed our emperor. I
shall deal with him myself!
Severus: And what shall you do,
Marcus
Marcus: I shall make him feel pleasures
he has never felt before! He
will writhe on the ground in ecstasy.
Severus: …and then you execute
him
Marcus: Ah yes of course! First
I shall kill him, and then I shall
please him in ways that would make
even the mighty Venus envious!
Severus: …
-----
[For the thief]
Antonius: Thievery is a malicious
practice. I suggest that he must
wear this itchy sweater from the
Kalends to the Ides.
Try Our New
Garlic Parmesean Fries!!!
Claudius: But Antonius, the thief
was a woman.
Antonius: A woman! A woman…
stealing! Snap the necks of her
children while she drinks oil.
Livia: Does the difference between
the punishments need be so severe!
All: Gasp! A WOMAN!
-----
[For the woman who snuck into the
meeting]
Caerulius: Feed her to the birds of
the Aventine!
Octavius: Burn her atop a cake!
Marcus: Shave her head then let me
have sex with her!
Livia: Seriously You guys invited
me.
Claudius: But you didn’t bring
snacks!
Octavius: I wanted cake.
TIPS FROM A MEDIEVAL DOCTOR
Lip Smacker’s Purgatory
Symptoms: A bit of the redness round the netherregion;
case of the drippy nob; tendency to scream
at chicken coops; pain; death
Causes: Methinks ye were probably harvesting the
crops before ye got a chance to plow the field hehehe.
Treatment: Sticking ye man parts in a
stale loaf of bread should do the trick.
King David’s Beasties
Symptoms: Itchies round the hairy
parts. Scabbies and boilies too.
Causes: Well now, that’s just the Lord
saying don’t shake ye hands with a Jew.
Treatment: A twig of the Jewbane is the cure for
you.
A Little Bit of the Wobbles
Symptoms: Weakness o’er one half of ye body.
Pain, numbness, trouble swallowing.
Causes: The apothecary seems to think it’s a blood
clot round the noggin but he’s full of indentured
servant’s food. I reckon Broomhilda the Hermit
just put a hex on ye.
Treatment: Burning down Broomhilda’s hut
should do the trick.
Bar Wench’s Burden
Symptoms: Man unable to keep his flag
at more than half-mast.
Causes: Too much ale, waking nightmares
about the Crusades.
Treatment: More ale, and some pork to ward off
any Moors.
Moaning of the Hag
Symptoms: “I slave all day over ye mutton stew
and all I get are a couple of grunts and not even a
goodnight kiss!”
Causes: Bar Wench’s Burden
Treatment: Collect the wax from ye
bedside candle and apply generously
to ye ears. Also, flowers are nice.
Inkeeper’s Ache
Symptoms: Ned the Inkeeper used
to go take baths in the pig trough...
He was quite the character that Ned
was.
Causes: Well being an inkeeper, obviously.
Treatments: Come to think of it why don’t any
other inkeepers besides Ned have the ache
Corn on the Knob
Symptoms: Pretty self-explanatory
Causes: Using a corn husk to lubricate your Richard
the Lionhearted.
Treatment: Stop fucking your corn. People eat
that. Be normal like the rest of us and get off by
raiding other villages and carrying off their virgins.
The Darkness
Symptoms: Pain. Blackest horror. Pain. Terror
unlike anything ye have ever experienced.
Dretch after dretch. Satan’s minions whispering
to you from the darkest corners
of hell. Things. Terrible things. Clawing
the bedsheets like a frightened goat only
to realize nothing’s there. It’s all in here.
The night.
Causes: You. You are the cause.
Treatment: A couple sips o’ forest tea and a hint of
newt extract and ye will ‘ave never felt better.
What King William the Sixth Died From
Symptoms: Shaking cold sweats, hallucinations,
implosive diarrhea.
Causes: Lots of things. In this case, I’d blame the
Jews.
Treatment: Leave the patient where they are for
at least two days. It’s possible they’re just asleep, or
faking it as a way of escaping the brutal misery that
is life in these times. If this is the case, they’ll probably
get hungry or thirsty in two days’
time. If not, I am truly sorry for your
loss.
6 Roman Empire Medieval Times
7

MEDIEVAL ROMANTIC COMEDIES
Breaking the News During the Black Plague
Hey Karen,
It’s me, Sir Terrowin of Knavesmire, slayer of the Dragon of Formigny. We met at that party, you
know, the one at Rick’s. Yeah, we both had a lot of mead that night, so I don’t know if you remember.
How’s it going Hope your new job fertilizing your wheat fields with human feces is going well.
Listen, I just wanted to let you know that I just got tested, and...well...I have the Black Plague. I
know we were only together for one night, but I think you should go down to the apothecary and get
yourself leached. It’s the safe thing to do.
I know I wrapped my “sword” in a raw sheep bladder like a clean, wholesome, individual, but it’s like
I always say, “You never know when the sheep urine makes the bladder too slippery to wear on your
penis.”
I never thought I’d be the type of person to get the BP, but I guess no matter how many virgins you
sacrifice and piglets you violate, it still gets around. I guess I should have known when my wrist fell
off at the party.. ha ha. Anyway, keep an eye out for a runny nose, a low-grade fever, or giant, bubbling
black puss boils on your skin.
Also, just wanted to see if your sister was still in town. Tell her to send me a message falcon. We
could go serf tipping.
Please stay alive,
Terry
P.S. Sorry if this letter is difficult to read. It was the right wrist.
Sonnet 18
SHAKESPEARE’S HIP HOP SONNETS
Sonnet 29
Sonnet 1
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day
Nah ho I shant you a stanked out ass trick.
Get any bitch call it pussy buffet.
But seriously girl hop off this dick
Sometime too hot my pinky ring shines,
Ain’t got time for you gotta make them stacks
I told ya bish I only fucks with them dimes
Racks on racks on racks on racks on
racks
Cough syrup, two blunts, chyeah chyeah
I’m faded
RonRon better repay that cheddar he ow’st
Big ups to Kendrick, money trees, I’m shaded
Eternally high from that plant I grow’st
These hoes know I’m playin’ they see I’m
they man.
You say no to ratchet pussy. Billy
Shakes can’t.
When in disgrace with Fortune and
men’s eyes,
I all alone beweeped my outcast state.
Now my wrist cause blindness. Jets all
in the sky.
Filet mignon, lobster tail all on the plate.
Mama threw me out for trappin the block
Robbed a pizza boy with a butter knife
Goons played hide and seek when they
heard the glock.
Never again going back to that life.
Four story home aztec bitches on skates
Statue of Grimace made of solid gold
Critics say I’m flashy but they can’t relate
That chronic be young but them bottles
be old.
Cash, drugs, hoes, and power this rap
shit brings.
That then I scoff to change my state
with kings.
From fairest creatures we desire increase
That thereby beauty’s rose might never die
This hot 14 goes out to my piece
The only bitch that could make this
gangsta cry.
That barrel sweeter than Beyonce ass
Straight outta Libya, serial number filed off
Got mo’ clips than fuckin’ Office Max
Mothafuck a witness, they just too sof’
Would that this gat could begat its own
Filleth a nursery with laughing nines
Hark! With every bullet thine seed is sown
To not caress your holster is the truest crime
When I pop that trigger the fun don’t stop.
Yo listen bruh I don’t fuck with no cops.
(*lighter sound*brat brat brat brat brat !)
8 Medieval Times THE RENAISSANCE
9

From the Constable’s Desk
During the Salem Witch Trials
Punch Bowl archivists have recently
recovered letters delivered to Constable
Horace Bungmeyer from the pious people
of Andover, Massachusetts during the
Salem Witch Trials in 1692.
Dear Constable,
You asked me how my travels in
France are. I have met a beautiful
woman and have fallen in love.
Unrelated, I noticed before I left
that my wife is a witch. Please burn
her at your earliest convenience, or
at least before I come home. Thank
you.
C’est la vie,
Silas Fairspoon
Dear Constable,
I disagree with your suggestion that
the high number of stillbirths this
Spring was caused by your so-called
“iron in the water.” In my esteemed
opinion, I believe Goodie Evelyn
to be the cause, as yesterday she
ordered me to stop watching her
as she used the women’s outhouse.
This is clear proof that she has
something to hide and is therefore
a witch.
Suspiciously,
Caleb Fiddpiddleonder
Dear Constable,
After the recent witch burnings, I
have noticed a suspiciously smokey
smell coming from the Towne
Square. I am incredibly suspicious
of Sister Hendylgwyn - she smells
of tinder and I believe her to be a
witch.
Fearfully,
Ferryweather Werryfeather
Dear Constable,
I threw my friend Paul in the river
the other day and he just floated
back. When he got out soaking and
furious he told me it was something
called “swimming.” Ridiculous
right But no one seems to
care. I threw John, who I’m sure
isn’t a witch, into the river just to
make sure the test still worked. He
drowned pretty quickly, so clearly
there’s something wrong with Paul.
Heaven help us,
Frungecleath Hardoon
Dear Constable,
Today, I heard the laughter of innocent
children. Only witches could
find time from praying to laugh. I
ask that you please burn them for
the safety of the village.
Sincerely,
Hezekiah Obadiah
PS - Before you burn the children,
could you please collect their blood
for me I need it for...watering my
crops.
CIVIL WAR BATTLE HYMNS
We Are Slaves to Freedom
We are owned by freedom
We cannot escape its power
We fight to do its bidding
From its might we cower
Maybe you will work for freedom
But no sir, not me
One day I’ll be free of freedom
And then I’ll finally be free
Whose Side Am I On If I’m Native
American
O, the Union has much valor
And the Confederacy much
tradition
Which leads us to an embarrassing
admission:
We don’t know which side
we’re on
Neither side has asked for our
help
We have reservations about
both
They put us in Oklahoma
We’re very confused
We Have the Most Flags
O, you may have many men
And ample horse as well
And firepower the likes we’ve
never seen
You may have all the food,
the water, and the aid
But we will always have more
flags than thee
So Very Much Mud
When the blues go dull with
sweat
And the grays grow red with
blood
We won’t be able to tell what
the hell’s going on
‘Cause of all this goddamn
mud
Seriously, there’s goddamn
mud everywhere
Everything’s sticky and dank
Not since Robinson’s mother
came ‘round
Have we witnessed so much
stank
Robinson’s Momma stanks
We Will Fight Until We Forget
How to Fight from Fighting
Too Much
O, as the fightingest fighters
in the 37th Battalion
We have fought to fight for
fighting
And we’ll fight until the fighting’s
done
And then we’ll keep on fighting
All who ask why we keep
fighting
Will be fought...by us
Until we all forget how to fight
Because we fought too much
And some believe we’ll lose
the war
But at least we have some
flags
What Do You Mean This Is
About Slaves
I thought we were fighting for
caves
Where the hell are the caves
What am I going to do with all
these canaries
10 1700s Civil War
11

Other Things
Banned During
Prohibition
The phrase “gee willikers”
Games with more than two
dice
Dances with gratuitous
shoulder movement
Umbrella-based
choreography
Talking at a normal
or slow speed
The letter “r” in newspapers
Health concerns about
smoking
Women addressing men by
anything other than “sailor”
Not beating your children
Hats smaller than size 8 men’s
Condoms
The money-for-horses
exchange
Pants looseners
Blaming violent crimes
on white people
New-fangled doohickeys
Islam
Putting tailpipes on horses
to compete in the growing
car market
Scientiffiic truth
Miscegenation
A HISTORICALLY ACCURATE ACCOUNT
OF THE SPANISH-AMERICAN WAR
The Spanish–American War was a
conflict in 1898 between Spain and the
United States and was largely aided
by Dinosaurs. Revolts against Spanish
rule had occurred for some years
in Cuba, and the dinosaurs, creatures
who barely had any conception of the
political quagmire they were about to
enter, decided to champion the Cuban
cause. In the late 1890’s, American
public opinion was agitated by yellow
journalism, which criticized Spanish
administration of Cuba and illustrated
fantastical depictions of Dinosaur military
capabilities. The Dinosaurs were
not aware of the yellow journalism as
their tiny reptilian brains did not allow
them the ability to read or think
critically about political situations. After
the mysterious sinking of the American
battleship Maine in Havana harbor,
during which a group of 27 Stegasauri
met their demise after being hurled
forcefully into an air vent, dinosaurs
from neighbouring Guatemala flocked
to the isle to join the cause.
Political pressures from the Democrats
and overly enthusiastic paleontologists
pushed the administration
of Republican President William
McKinley into a war he had wished
to avoid. Compromise was sought by
Spain, but rejected by the United States
which fed the Spanish dignitary to a
pack of famished Velociraptors. First
Madrid, then Washington, formally
declared war. President McKinley announced
the decision to a joint session
of Congress while riding on the back of
a American flag-clad Tyrannosaurus
Rex. This was both seen as a gesture of
solidarity with his new dino-allies and
a display of power to America’s enemies
abroad.
Soon, Cuban, Philippine, and American
forces obtained the surrender of
Santiago de Cuba and Manila owing
to the fact that the Americans had
the prehistoric equivalent of mythical
dragons on their side. The Spanish infantry
units provided a spirited defense,
performing well in places such as San
Juan Hill when they were not being
ripped apart limb from limb by Triceratops
and being
shot at by Theodore
Roosevelt
sitting
atop an unusually
carnivorous
Brontosaurus.
With two entire
Spanish battalions
feasted upon by vengeful Stegasauri
mothers and a third more modern
fleet lit aflame by gasoline equipped
Pterodactyls, Madrid sued for peace.
The result was the 1898 Treaty of
Paris, negotiated on terms favorable to
the Dinoamerican forces in which they
took control of the region and ceded indefinite
colonial authority over Puerto
Rico, Guam and the Philippine islands
from Spain. The American soldiers
were forever grateful to their dinosaur
brothers in arms. The US military
commissioned the erection of dozens of
dinosaur statues in central Florida; one
literary minded soldier even composed
a poem commemorating their valiant
efforts against Spanish tyranny:
These Battles Were Not Won By Man Alone
“There I stood, in a sea of Spanish forces, my
dino-brethren at my side.
What valiant creatures! The ivory horns of
the Triceratops glimmering under the Cuban sun.
The Velociraptor’s teeth, sharp like tiny razors,
dripping the crimson blood of our enemies.
The Cubans thought them liberators, throwing
flower petals at their gargantuan feet as
they trampled through the squares. Somehow
the dinosaurs knew to devour them not.
On the penultimate day of battling I recall a
mighty Stegosaurus tearing a man’s arm from
his body, the invincible beast erupting into a
fearsome cry. Although I fancy it a battlefield
delusion I could almost make out the words
“Remember the Maine” coming from his
scaly, blood-soaked lips.
Were we men that day, or dinosaurs the
same”
12 Roarin’ Twenties Roarin’ Twenties
13

Secret Motives of Great Inventions
Milk
Brian down
the road needed
to justify
fondling his
cows
Segway
So you can literally
look like
a giant penis
Machine Guns
To deter future wars. Seriously,
look it up.
Bicycle
Unicycle riders
were nearly eliminated
by natural
selection
Printing Press
More efficient way to distribute
dick pics
Laser Pointer
So that kid in the back of the
class could have a thing
Toilet Paper
To fuck with
your fifth grade
social studies
teacher
Flamethrower
To light giant candles
The Internet
To eventually help people find
that part
in The Gift
where Katie
Holmes
goes topless
Nintendo Wii
Make fat people squirm
Vest
To help out all the guys wearing
disconnected sleeves
Penicillin
Good story to tell girls at bars
Sliced bread
Benchmark for future inventions
Computer
To show that typewriter it isn’t
such hot shit after all
The Wheel
There was once a method for
moving heavy materials equally
as effective, the wheel simply
replaced it!
The Cotton Gin
So people would forget about
that time Eli Whitney acted
kindly to a minority
Chopsticks
To make
white people
uncomfortable
for
centuries to
come
NIXON’S
UNDISCOVERED
CRIMES
He watched a man drown at
Seaworld and did nothing.
He double dipped a chip at Mao
Zedong’s housewarming party.
He was the boy from The Giving Tree.
He choked a man out with a garden
hose when asked about his tulips.
He would intentionally walk around
naked during middle school tours
of the White House.
Every Christmas Eve, he bought
all the toys at FAO Schwartz and
dumped them in the East River.
He melted down all of Jesse
Owens’ Olympic gold medals.
He randomized babies at the
maternity ward.
He asked for a water cup at the
1970s equivalent of Chipotle and
actually took lemonade.
He burned down a Santa’s Village
in Jamestown, Virginia.
He spit on one of the finalists of the
1969 National Spelling Bee.
He continued to organize bombing
operations on Cambodia and Laos
well into the 1980s.
He smoked marijuana once and
died shortly afterwards.
He also stole towels from the
Watergate Hotel.
He Saran-wrapped his dog
Checkers to preserve freshness.
He introduced non-native species
to fragile ecosystems.
He took like 45 cents from the Take
A Penny Leave A Penny tray.
He met Charles Manson at a Christmas
party and they totally hit it off.
14 The ‘50s The ‘70s
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