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UPFront
Politically Incorrect
with Chip Tsao
Hong Kong Dinner Table Talk
Condemning the American encirclement
of China has become a fashionable
topic among well-heeled Hong Kong
Chinese gathered at the dinner table.
This is perhaps due to an increasing
number of Hong Kong businessmen
and professionals traveling to the
mainland, where their Chinese hosts,
mostly Communist Party members, have
been hypnotizing them with the official
version of the general propaganda. If you
wish to take part in the process, this is
how to proceed:
Once the piglet is served with a
couple of flashing light bulbs as an
appetizer, it is most convenient to
slaughter Abe of Japan, America’s
staunchest Asian ally, as target No. 1.
Yes, the Diaoyu Islands belong to China,
and we all know there will be a war
soon and we’ll reclaim them. Taiwan’s
Ma Ying-jeou looks like a sissy but he’s
deceptive—the tender-talking, effete
president has been long been a running
dog of the White House.
When the steamed fish enters,
it’s time to take on Australia’s premier
Tony Abbott, who is forming an
encroachment-partnership with Obama
more solid than something you’d find on
“Brokeback Mountain.” Even Vietnam is
treacherously flirting with Washington for
more McDonald’s to open in Hanoi and
Ho Chi Minh City. The Indians always hate
us (as much as we hate them; hence,
the banquet does not include curry).
Needless to mention the grinning Ninoy
of the little Philippines, whose job seems
to be to annoy us all the time. Malaysia
cannot be trusted as it is Muslim—
Obama’s mother was a big fan of
Indonesia. So the US net has been spread
wide to encircle us, leaving us with half
a hole up in South Korea where we can
possibly try to befriend that woman,
another Park—the daughter of once the
most unwavering anti-communist leader
in Asia, Park Chung-hee.
It is easy to join the conversation
when you are half-full and bored with
the Yeung Chow Fried Rice. If you’re
looking to quickly make your patriotic
Hong Kong Chinese host happy—he is
the one who pays the bill, after all—
then add this red cherry to the cake:
now is the best time for us to resume
our alliance (yes, “our,” as Hong Kong is
no longer British but a part of China) with
the Russians. Putin will need to be as
reliable a friend to Xi Jinping as Roosevelt
was to Churchill, if we are going to bury
the US and win the next World War (here
you should go back to the right analogy
involving Britain, rather than mentioning
Hitler and Tojo).
When the fruit is served, it is a good
time to plug that last remaining hole
after you glance at your watch. Tell them
you firmly believe that the Umbrella
Revolution is funded by the US. This is
the last jigsaw piece needed to make it a
most pleasant evening.
The ambiance of an abalone
dinner party held by local businessmen
in Central or The Gallop at the Jockey
Club is so relaxing, you can just sit
back and mumble into the mainstream
without concern. Let your mouth get
busy and full while your brain unwinds
and switches off.
Chip Tsao is a best-selling author, columnist
and a former producer for the BBC. His columns
have also appeared in Apple Daily, Next
Magazine and CUP Magazine, among others.
14 HK MAGAZINE FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2014