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Compromise
Whether you like it or not, the only solution to
marital arguments is to find a compromise. In a
relationship, it just does not work for you to have
everything your way, even if you are convinced that you
are right. For a compromise to work, you must keep an
open mind with regard to your partner’s opinions and
desires. You do not have to agree with everything your
partner says or believes, but you have to be willing to
listen to his or her position. Remember to search for
the part of your partner’s perspective that, by objective
standards, is reasonable.
Be tolerant of eaCh other’s faults
Too often, a marriage gets bogged down in ‘if onlies.’
If only your partner were taller, richer, smarter, neater,
or sexier, all of your problems would vanish. As long
as this attitude prevails, conflicts will be very difficult
to resolve. Until you accept your partner’s flaws, you
will not be able to compromise successfully. Conflict
resolution is not about one person changing; it is about
negotiating and finding common ground and ways that
you can accommodate each other.
Last but not least, it is important to understand
one truth — some marital arguments just cannot be
resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to
change each other’s mind, but it cannot be done. This
is because most of their disagreements are rooted in
fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or
values. This does not mean that there is nothing you
can do about it. It means that you need to understand
the root cause of the conflict between you, and to
learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting
each other. Only then will you be able to build shared
meaning and a sense of purpose into your relationship.
Hyman Spotnitz (1977) used the analogy of dancers
to describe a marriage. “Producing a happy marriage is
like shaping up a good dance team. Even the very best
solo dancer has to learn to coordinate his movements
with his partner, to keep in step, and to master all
the other complexities of dancing in unison. This
requires long and regular practice, and dancers who
do not enjoy working with a partner are unwilling to
subject themselves to the grueling preparation that is
entailed. But there is no other way to develop a good
dance team, and there is no other way to integrate two
separate identities — two different bodies and psyches
— in a marital relationship.”
Further Reading
Gottman, J., M. (1999). The Seven Principles
for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press.
Spotnitz, H. (1977). Problems of the Marriage
Partnership, Modern Psychoanalysis, 2, 4-14.
Cerita Hsu is a Taiwan Licensed Counseling
Psychologist. She received two master’s degrees in
Psychology and was trained in Marriage and Family
Therapy. She mainly works with adults, couples, and
families at The Center.
apr 2010
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