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Compromise<br />
Whether you like it or not, the only solution to<br />
marital arguments is to find a compromise. In a<br />
relationship, it just does not work for you to have<br />
everything your way, even if you are convinced that you<br />
are right. For a compromise to work, you must keep an<br />
open mind with regard to your partner’s opinions and<br />
desires. You do not have to agree with everything your<br />
partner says or believes, but you have to be willing to<br />
listen to his or her position. Remember to search for<br />
the part of your partner’s perspective that, by objective<br />
standards, is reasonable.<br />
Be tolerant of eaCh other’s faults<br />
Too often, a marriage gets bogged down in ‘if onlies.’<br />
If only your partner were taller, richer, smarter, neater,<br />
or sexier, all of your problems would vanish. As long<br />
as this attitude prevails, conflicts will be very difficult<br />
to resolve. Until you accept your partner’s flaws, you<br />
will not be able to compromise successfully. Conflict<br />
resolution is not about one person changing; it is about<br />
negotiating and finding common ground and ways that<br />
you can accommodate each other.<br />
Last but not least, it is important to understand<br />
one truth — some marital arguments just cannot be<br />
resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to<br />
change each other’s mind, but it cannot be done. This<br />
is because most of their disagreements are rooted in<br />
fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or<br />
values. This does not mean that there is nothing you<br />
can do about it. It means that you need to understand<br />
the root cause of the conflict between you, and to<br />
learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting<br />
each other. Only then will you be able to build shared<br />
meaning and a sense of purpose into your relationship.<br />
Hyman Spotnitz (1977) used the analogy of dancers<br />
to describe a marriage. “Producing a happy marriage is<br />
like shaping up a good dance team. Even the very best<br />
solo dancer has to learn to coordinate his movements<br />
with his partner, to keep in step, and to master all<br />
the other complexities of dancing in unison. This<br />
requires long and regular practice, and dancers who<br />
do not enjoy working with a partner are unwilling to<br />
subject themselves to the grueling preparation that is<br />
entailed. But there is no other way to develop a good<br />
dance team, and there is no other way to integrate two<br />
separate identities — two different bodies and psyches<br />
— in a marital relationship.”<br />
Further Reading<br />
Gottman, J., M. (1999). The Seven Principles<br />
for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press.<br />
Spotnitz, H. (1977). Problems of the Marriage<br />
Partnership, Modern Psychoanalysis, 2, 4-14.<br />
Cerita Hsu is a Taiwan Licensed Counseling<br />
Psychologist. She received two master’s degrees in<br />
Psychology and was trained in Marriage and Family<br />
Therapy. She mainly works with adults, couples, and<br />
families at The <strong>Center</strong>.<br />
apr 2010<br />
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