Student Magazine - The Wake

vol.3 issue.9 

THE 

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Wake 

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F e b r u a r y 9 , 2 0 0 5

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Vol.3 Issue 9 

THE 


February 9, 2OO5 

The Wake 

Established in 2002, The Wake is an independent 

fortnightly magazine, produced by and for students 

at the University of Minnesota. The Wake is a 

registered student organization. 

Editor In Chief 

Morgon Mae Schultz 

Student Magazine 

WWW.WAKENEWS.ORG 

Managing Editor 

Campus Editor 

Frederic Hanson 

Kay Steiger 

Contributing Editor 

Conrad Wilson 

CONTENTS 

Sound & Vision Editor 

Literary Editor 


Zachary Carlsen 

-4- Athletics 

-7- Voices 

-12- Literary 

-14- Sound & Vision 

-22- Campus 

-26- Bastard Pages 

25 22 

Athletics Editor 

Art Director 

Photo Editor 

Web Editor 

Copy Editors 

Office Manager 

Business Manager 

PR Director 

Advertising Executive 

Lane Trisko 

Brie Cohen 

Andy Tyra 

Andy Tyra 

Melanie Bloom 

Marissa Krzmarzick 

Abbey Mackenzie 

Chris Compton 

Cameron Sorden 

Megan Steidl 

10 14 

Cover Art 

Graphic Design 

Erieann Lorsung 

Zachary Carlsen 

Brie Cohen 

Eric Price 


-14- HIP-HOP SUPER POWERS 

-24- THE STUDENT BEHIND THE RODENT 

-7- SHAME ON ACEDEMIA 

-5- THE WALK-ON WHO WALKED OFF 

-12- LITERATURE: THE ESSENCE OF LIFE 

-26- WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE WILL YOU WILL YOU 

From the Editors 

Dear Lovers, 

Ever since the first Lupercian priest flicked a sacrificial-blood-soaked strip of goat hide at 

the young women of Rome in an effort to increase their fertility, mid-February has been a 

giddy time full of saccharine romance. 

Morgon Mae Schultz, editor in chief 

Frederic Hanson, managing editor 

Illustrators/Cartoons 

Photography 

Contributing Writers 

Eric Carlson 

Devin Ensz 

Keely Grab 

Erieann Lorsung 

Sam Soule 

Eli Zimmerman 

Brie Cohen 

Jon Hart 

Michael Mitchell 

Andy Tyra 

Brian Whitson 

Sarah E. Bauer 

Grant Boelter 

Taylor Eisenman 


Brant Johnson 

Nell Kromhout 

Abigail Mackenzie 

Michael Mitchell 

Nick Neaton 

Craig Reutmeester 


Sara Schweid 

Keeya Steel 

Lane Trisko 

Chris Wilson 

Conrad Wilson 

The Wake was founded by 

Chris Ruen and James Delong. 

The Wake 

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© 2005 All Rights Reserved

Athletics 

February 9, 2005 

4 

Walk-on Dilemma 

A promising athlete lost in the crowd 

“Four hours of standing, getting yelled at, and trying to sneak 

face time in from the nearby cameras.” 

Illustration By Sam Soule

February 9, 3005 Athletics 


THE 

5 

By Craig Rentmeester 

When high school football ends for 

seniors, only a select few are lucky enough 

to play at the college level. Like all schools, 

the University of 

Minnesota actively 

recruits prospects 

and hands out 

scholarships to 

deserving players. 

This process takes 

place over many 

months and ends with a group of excited 

players fighting for a spot on the roster. 

Players hoping to make the team are 

preferred walk-on players –- those who do 

not receive a scholarship but are asked to 

join the team –- and regular walk-on players, 

who try to make the team without being 

recruited. Dan DeJaeger was lucky enough 

to be a preferred walk-on coming into the 

2003 football season. 

Throughout high school, DeJaeger 

was a top-place kicker for a conferencewinning 

football team, thus making him 

a prospect for many collegiate programs. 

His strong leg, field goal accuracy and 

deep kickoff capabilities were his defining 

characteristics. After visiting with scouts 

and coaches multiple times, DeJaeger’s best 

offer came when the University of Northern 

Illinois offered him a full scholarship. 

DeJaeger remembered a visit to Northern 

Illinois. 

“The whole place smelled like 

cow manure,” he said. Thus, after a 

disappointing visit, DeJaeger decided to 

pass on the scholarship and come to the 

university to play football. His struggles and 

problems started upon arrival for preseason 

workouts. 

The workouts started 

in August and hours of 

devotion and dedication were 

necessary from the athletes. 

While being a preferred a 

walk-on had its perks, there 

were no guarantees to the 

starting kicker position. 

The biggest benefit to 

being a preferred walk-on 

was missing the week of hell 

that regular walk-ons endure. 

This week consists of intense 

running workouts, which 

drain the players’ bodies and 

test their mental toughness. 

Though spared from 

these workouts, DeJaeger 

remembers a coach 

repeatedly telling the walkon 

athletes, “I’m a run the 

shit out your ass.” This 

phrase, coupled with the 

aching bodies of many poor 

souls during this seemingly 

dreadful week, shows the 

utter despair faced when 

trying to earn a spot on the 

team. 

The preseason regimen 

was very demanding on 

“Iʼm a run the shit 

out your ass.” 

DeJaeger and lasted nearly a month. 

His daily routine started at 9 a.m. and 

consisted of practice, workouts, running 

and eventually, rehabilitation for a pulled 

quadricep muscle. 

“I got to know the training 

staff better than the coaches,” 

DeJaeger said of his injury. Each 

day lasted until around 11:30 p.m. 

during his fight for the kicking 

position 

at the 

Advice for Walk-ons 

university. 

His injury 

made his fight 

even tougher, 

considering there 

were about 10 

kickers battling 

for the starting 

position. DeJaeger 

and the other 

kickers trained 

throughout the 

preseason, with a 

scholarship as the 

reward. Eventually, 

Rhys Lloyd became 

the kicker for the 

Gophers. This 

news did not come 

easily to DeJaeger, 

especially since 

he had passed 

on scholarship 

offers from other 

programs. 

For DeJaeger, 

being second best 

was not easy. During his high school career, 

he broke the records for longest field goals 

• Never make eye contact with 

your coaches. They possess 

magical powers that can 

turn you into an “athlete,” 

preventing you from enjoying 

college’s true treasures: 

drugs and alcohol. 

• Volunteer to show recruits 

around campus. I hear the 

strippers are great. 

• If you aren’t getting any 

playing time, try sleeping 

with the coach’s daughter. 

That will get you the respect 

from the coach you deserve. 

• Offer to carry equipment 

back from the field. Then, 

when no one is looking, steal 

it. I bet it is worth a lot of 

money. 

Dan DeJaeger can finally smile after a frustrating career as a walk-on kicker. 

(52 and 50 yards), which were previously 

held by the current St. Louis Rams punter 

Kevin Stemke. The transition from star to 

backup was a difficult one. 

Once the season started, the schedule 

did not get easier because DeJaeger was 

juggling school work and practice. During 

the week, he had classes until noon and 

practice from 1:00 p.m. until 7:00 p.m. The 

team met six times a week, with Mondays 

off. The time spent 

with the team included 

meetings, practice, 

weightlifting and 

rehabilitation. The 

hard work culminated 

with playing time. 

For many athletes, 

game day isn’t a fairy 

tale experience. For 

DeJaeger and many 

others who weren’t on 

the traveling squad, 

game day meant 

additional hours of 

abdominal, strength 

and stretching 

workouts. Finally, 

this group of players 

would run for an hour 

and a half. Following 

the workout, the entire 

team would meet for 

a meal before game 

time. Then the team 

would dress and take 

the field. 

For this sidelined 

group of people games 

meant, “four hours of standing, getting 

yelled at, and trying to sneak face time in 

Photo By Andy Tyra 

from the nearby cameras” DeJaeger said. 

“After the game the opposing teams would 

shake hands but when your not a starter, 

no one knows who you are, so you’re just 

shake a couple of random people’s hands 

and leave.” 

This lack of exposure and recognition 

was a major change for the one-time star. 

DeJaeger said he remembers feeling 

that if you weren’t a starting player, the 

coaches made it seem like the reason was 

because you hadn’t tried hard enough. 

The feelings of underachievement and the 

lack of opportunities started piling up and 

eventually led to a major decision in this 

young man’s life. 

For the first time in DeJaeger’s sports 

career, he wasn’t enjoying the game and 

the duties that came with it. He wasn’t 

having fun. Also, his grades were not at 

the level the he wanted them to be. So after 

spending seven games on the Gophers 2003 

squad, he decided to leave the team. The 

final factor for DeJaeger was that the only 

legitimate chance to kick for the Gophers 

would come in his third year, following the 

departure of Lloyd. But that opportunity was 

not guaranteed since the team could bring 

in a group of new kickers to battle for the 

starting spot each year. 

These factors made the decision 

quite easy for the freshman. He regrets 

not taking scholarship offers from other 

programs, but he has learned to adjust to 

life after football at the “U.” 

Upcoming 

Athletics Events 

• Feb. 10 - Women’s Basketball 

vs. Michigan State at Williams 

Arena 7 p.m. 

• Feb. 11 - Softball vs. Tulsa at 

the Metrodome 4:30 p.m. 

• Feb. 11&12 - Men’s Hockey vs. 

Alaska-Anchorage at Mariucci 

Arena 7 p.m. 

• Feb. 12&13 - Women’s Hockey 

vs. University of North Dakota 

at Ridder Arena 2 p.m. 

• Feb. 13 - Women’s Basketball 

vs. Purdue at Williams Arena 4 

p.m. 

• Feb. 19 - Men’s Basketball vs. 

Ohio State at Williams Arena 7 

p.m. 

• Feb 20. Wrestling vs. Illinois at 

Sports Pavilion. 2pm

A View From the Bench: Athletics matchmaker 

By Lane Trisko 

Ah, Valentine’s Day. The perfect excuse 

to cry your lonely self to sleep, wishing you 

had the courage to ask that cute red-headed 

girl to be your valentine. After all, if Charlie 

Goldy & Crunch 

Janel McCarville & that twerp who thinks 

he’s the shit at intramural basketball. 

Brown could never get her, what chance did 

you have 

But before you broken-heartedly 

dismiss the holiday as a corporate sham 

designed to boost 

the teddy bear and 

chocolate industries, let 

us take a moment to play 

athletics matchmaker 

and pair the sports 

figures that deserve to 

spend Valentine’s Day 

together. After all, sports 

are people too… or 

something like that. 

Marion Barber 

III & Kris Humphries. 

Since Barber decided 

to forgo his final year of 

eligibility and jump ship 

to the NFL, it seems 

fitting to pair him with 

the U’s former superkid, 

Kris Humphries. 

Ever since Humphries 

took off the maroon and 

gold, his former team 

has flourished and has an 

outside chance at making 

the NCAA tournament. 

Maybe Barber’s 

departure will have 

some weird, coincidental 

similarities for a regularly 

underachieving football 

team. With the bling 

inherent in the move 

to professional sports, 

Illustrations By Sam Soule 

the two will have an expensive date. They 

will eat $70 porterhouse steaks at Rossi’s 

Steakhouse in downtown Minneapolis 

followed by a romantic outing at professional 

athletes’ second home, the strip club. 

Janel McCarville & that twerp 

who thinks he’s the shit at intramural 

basketball. Wow. Janel McCarville is one 

heck of a basketball player. And that jerk 

who never passes in intramural basketball 

because he thinks he is God’s gift to the 

three-pointer is on the opposite end of the 

basketball spectrum. You know what they 

say: opposites attract. The two will enjoy an 

evening of one-on-one b-ball. That’ll teach 

the douche bag. 

Goldy & Crunch. There has been a 

long period of sexual tension between the 

mascots of the Gophers and Timberwolves. 

It all stemmed from an encounter at a 

mascot mixer when the two were in seventh 

grade. Crunch was harassed by the drunk 

and belligerent Bucky Badger, so Goldy 

bravely cut in and shared a slow dance to 

Bryan Adams’ “Everything I Do.” The two 

will enjoy an evening of big game hunting. 

This issue’s Most Valuable Gopher: 

Vincent Grier. No one expected the men’s 

basketball team to do much this year. After 

all, the squad lost last year’s Big Ten leading 

scorer and rebounder, Kris Humphries. 

It turned out the departure of Pretty Boy 

Humphries was a blessing as it instilled a 

team mentality for a group used to big name, 

Marion Barber III & Kris Humphries 

spotlight-hogging players like Humphries, 

Rick Rickert, and Joel Prysbilla. However, 

the addition of Vincent Grier has been key 

in sparking the Gophers into one of its best 

seasons since the Clem Haskins era. Grier, 

a transfer from Dixie State Junior College, 

has had a phenomenal debut in maroon and 

gold. His athleticism and intensity on the 

floor is contagious and makes the Gophers a 

dangerous team. 

Athletics 

6 

THE 


February 9, 2005


7 voices 

Issues 

with 

Citations 

Academic 

namedropping 

makes for 

questionable 

authority 

By Grant Boelter 

Illustration By Sam Soule 

“Family Guy” enthusiasts know the episode 

–- the one where Peter starts his own country, 

appropriately labeled “Petoria.” While the 

authorities threaten to make Peter’s house and 

yard part of the union once again, Peter fends 

them off by eloquently citing the Constitution. 

By simply quoting the word “the” from a passage 

of our nation’s handbook, Peter convinces the 

soldiers to disburse and he is free to reign as the 

leader of Petoria. 

This scene brings up a good question (likely 

by no mistake of the writers): Why does the 

backing of what we perceive as an authoritarian 

source so easily blind normally skeptical eyes 

There are plenty of well-publicized examples, as

February 9, 2005 Voices 


THE 

8 

well as those that aren’t so highly-publicized, 

of people we look to for information fooling 

even the most astute. 

The most recent high-profile example 

that comes to mind is the CBS News 

debacle involving the use of what appears 

to be falsified documents that condemned 

President Bush’s military record in a “60 

Minutes” special report. While Dan Rather 

took the brunt of the criticism for this grave 

mistake made by the CBS staff, executives 

pushed to air the story despite objections by 

multiple document consultants, according 

to a Washington Post story. 

Another accuracy issue wasn’t so 

highly publicized. In his presentation to 

the United Nations before the current war 

with Iraq, Secretary of State Colin Powell 

used information that had been gathered 

to prove Iraq possessed weapons of mass 

destruction. Powell later admitted that 

the information he used for that part of 

the presentation was not valid after the 

information was proven to be obsolete. 

While everybody who pays any 

attention to the news knows about the 

Jayson Blair scandal at the The New York 

Times, there are probably about four or 

five Jack Kelleys for every Jayson Blair. 

Jack Kelley was a USA Today foreign 

correspondent who was fired early last 

year after it was discovered that he had 

plagiarized a number of stories. 

What about cases in which sound 

information is used, but in completely 

the wrong context This goes back to the 

“Family Guy” example. It’s pretty easy for 

us to identify a valid source, but not nearly 

as often do we examine the manner in which 

the material from that source is used. 

While the Jayson Blairs and Dan 

Rathers are making headlines, there are 

plenty of others who make a living off 

distorting valid (and sometimes not so 

valid) information. A certain talk show 

host on the Fox News Network and a portly 

political documentary-maker deserve to 

be mentioned when tackling this issue. 

While these guys are pretty extreme in 

this sense, most know that their work is 

largely subjective. However, it brings up 

the question of how many of the people 

that we count on to bring us hard news 

are distorting information in more discreet 

ways We won’t even begin to discuss the 

ways lawmakers and politicians mince 

words to support causes. 

Why do people use sources to back 

up their work, regardless of whether the 

information is consistent with what they are 

looking to prove It works. All of the abovementioned 

journalists were widely revered 

for their work before they went down. Much 

of the United States is still in the dark about 

Colin Powell’s gaffe during his presentation 

to the U.N. Any college student will tell you 

that quoting multiple sources in a paper 

often results in a better grade, regardless 

of whether the quotes function correctly 

or not. 

This brings up another question: Why 

is this type of misinformation so prevalent 

in today’s society A possibility could 

be the way we’re educated. The use of 

multiple sources, good or bad, is strongly 

encouraged by educators. While there are 

many good teachers who will question the 

sources used, there are just as many for 

whom a couple of citations, regardless of 

what they are, will suffice. 

Another reason could be our general 

instinct to jump to conclusions. The people 

receiving the information are eager to 

See “Citations,” page 11 

Ethics, the News Council and Trust 

Consumers have the power to keep the media honest 

By Sarah E. Bauer 

“I believe democracy requires ‘a sacred 

contract’ between journalists and those who 

put their trust in us to tell them what we 

can about how the world really works,” 

says long- time journalist Bill Moyers, 

addressing colleagues. 

These words resonated with many 

American journalists who are faced with a 

public that no longer places its trust in the 

media. 

I can’t say that I blame the public for 

turning off the evening news or canceling 

their newspaper subscriptions. Has the 

media really proven they even deserve our 

trust lately 

We read The New York Times, the 

most trusted paper in the United States until 

we found out that one of its up-and-coming 

reporters, Jayson Blair, had lied in many of 

his stories. His front-page reports contained 

fabricated quotes, exaggerated truths and 

many outright lies. There had been other 

liars before Blair -- Stephen Glass of The 

New Republic and Janet Cooke from The 

Washington Post. But the Blair situation was 

the last straw for many media consumers. If 

we can’t even trust The New York Times to 

print the truth, how can we trust any media 

institution 

Like Moyers says, our democracy, 

our whole nation, depends on a healthy 

relationship between the media and the 

public. We trust that journalists will tell the 

truth -- that they will report the information 

we need to make informed political and life 

decisions. But, journalists also depend on 

us, the people. 

We have a responsibility to alert the 

media when there is an urgent subject 

that needs coverage or when mistakes are 

made. This ensures that the media and 

the public continue to exist in a symbiotic 

relationship. Right here in the Twin Cities, 

there is a group who recognizes that. The 

Minnesota News Council is fully dedicated 

to facilitating conversations between the 

public and the press. Members of the 

GLBT community recently came to the 

News Council because they felt as if the 

local media did not know how to address 

their community and the important issues 

affecting them. The News Council created a 

forum where members of the media and the 

GLBT community gathered to engage in a 

conversation and discuss these issues. Each 

group left with a better understanding of 

the other, and as a result, their relationship 

is now stronger. At a recent News Council 

forum, former gubernatorial candidate Tim 

Penny asked the press why they make 

political polls so difficult to understand. 

Penny noted that local papers did not 

include or explain margins of error and that 

polls were often visually confusing. The next 

time the Star Tribune 

published a political 

poll, they included and 

explained the margin of 

error and illustrated the 

poll with graphics that 

all could understand. 

The editor also included 

a written explanation 

of the changes the Star 

Tribune had made to 

their polls. 

I strongly believe 

in the collaborative 

relationship between the 

press and the people. 

I work for the News 

Council. I see both 

sides of this relationship 

-- the good and the bad 

–- on a daily basis. Just 

as the News Council 

does, I hope to create 

a conversation in our 

community between the 

press and the people. I 

will look at issues that 

come up in our student 

publications and in the 

local media. I hope to 

address media ethics 

dilemmas when they 

arise. Ultimately these 

conversations can bring 

about changes. Trust 

me. 

Sarah Bauer is 

a staff writer for The 

Wake and submits 

fortnightly editorial 

pieces concerning 

local media issues. She 

welcomes comments at 

office@wakenews.org.

Harvard President’s Comments were 

Provocative, all Right 

Voices 

Illustration By Devin Ensz 

“Daddy truck” diatribe illuminates sexism 

By Morgon Mae Schultz 

Last month, speaking candidly at a 

conference aimed at solving the problem 

of low numbers of women and minorities 

in science and engineering, Harvard 

President Lawrence H. Summers revealed 

the lingering boys’-club culture in the upper 

echelons of academia. 

Summers suggested factors on which 

to blame the lack of female scientists, 

and offered the suggestion that divergent 

test scores between high school girls and 

boys stem from biological differences. 

Most disturbingly, he used his daughter’s 

play behavior to illustrate his point about 

genetic predisposition. The girl was given 

two toy trucks in an effort at gender-neutral 

upbringing. Summers says she named 

them “daddy truck” and “baby truck,” as if 

they were dolls. Any Disney movie shows 

us that children like to imbue inanimate 

objects with personalities, and the fact that 

Summers used this anecdote to justify a 

lack of opportunity for women is insulting. 

Nancy Hopkins, a professor of biology at 

M.I.T., walked out during Summers’ “daddy 

truck” number. 

She told the Boston Globe, “this 

kind of bias makes me physically ill.’’ Dr. 

Hopkins, who led an investigation into sex 

discrimination at M.I.T. that led to changes 

in hiring practices, added, ‘’Let’s not forget 

that people used to say that women couldn’t 

drive an automobile.’’ 

I don’t blame Hopkins for walking out. 

I’m not a scientist, but when I put myself 

in the shoes of the accomplished women 

at the conference, I am infuriated by the 

implication that they just don’t have what it 

takes to make it to the top. This kind of bias 

is so upsetting because it strikes at the heart 

of personal identity. Imagine devoting your 

life to whatever it is that inspires you, only 

to be told by those in power that your field 

is a big inside joke and you’ll never get the 

punch line. You just had to be there when 

they were passing out the Ys. Oh and, by the 

way, when I look at you I see a little girl who 

doesn’t know how to play with boy’s toys. 

Summers also said that married 

women with children tend to shy away 

from the 80-hour workweeks required 

of top science faculty. Is the problem 

that they shy away, or have been 

overlooked Summers faced criticism 

in the past because, in each of his 

three years as president, senior job 

offers to women have dropped. 

Tonya Laufenberg, “U” biology 

major and community adviser to the 

Women in Science and Engineering 

living and learning community, 

agrees that underlying bias, and not 

biological predisposition, accounts for the 

gender disparity in top science positions. 

“Engineering and science fields have been 

dominated by men in the past,” Laufenberg 

says. “At a young age, children learn what 

fields are male oriented and what fields are 

female oriented. This ideology causes a lack 

of encouragement to study in fields that are 

not oriented to one’s gender.” 

But Laufenberg is hopeful, and believes 

that the talented and hardworking women 

she’s met studying science and engineering 

at the “U” can “shatter the ideology” of 

those fields being male oriented. 

Summers apologized several times for 

the harm that his comments caused, and 

When suits speak off the 

cuff, they show us their true 

perspective, not the polished, 

public-relations-departmentapproved, 

speech-writer 

version of it. 

said in a letter to the Harvard community 

that he should have “weighed them more 

carefully.” But when suits speak off the cuff, 

they show us their true perspective, not 

the polished, public-relations-departmentapproved, 

speech-writer version of it. Some 

conference-goers defended Summers’ 

comments, saying that only when scientist 

are allowed to speak openly about the 

possible roots of a problem can they 

further the discussion. Certainly Summers’ 

comments shed light on the obstacle women 

in science face: old-fashioned sexism. 

Morgon Mae Schultz is the editor in 

chief of The Wake and welcomes comments 

at office@wakenews.org. 

THE 

9 


February 9, 2004

February 9, 2005 Voices 


THE 

10 

God Lives in Ely 

By Nick Neaton 

Some say that God lives in Ely, 

Minnesota, way up near the “Arrowhead,” 

not too far from the Canadian border. It’s 

a charming town of about 3,700 people 

nestled in the sprawling Superior National 

Forest, a mess of evergreens, bluffs, lakes 

and streams. Ely is the gateway to the 

Boundary Waters, a pristine, unspoiled 

wilderness. 

I went to Ely in January and I saw 

God. 

Two friends and I hiked through the 

pines, trudging through fresh boot tracks 

and following cross-country ski trails. We 

joked around while hiking, plotting out 

how we might befriend a hibernating 

bear (after a tense initial standoff). Our 

hypothetical relationship with this bear, 

“Bitey,” grew in detail as we plowed 

deeper into the woods. By the time we 

came to rest on the shore of a frozen 

pond, we had already decided that our 

imaginary bear encounter (which had, 

predictably, blossomed into a featurelength 

screenplay) would end in tragedy, 

with one of us mercy-killing Bitey. 

The January air was unusually warm 

and we stood on the lakeshore, debating 

whether to venture onto the slushy ice. The 

real world seemed a thousand miles away. 

We hadn’t seen any signs of life during our 

nature walk and didn’t much expect to. 

But then God walked across the ice. 

It didn’t occur to me at first that the 

Creator stood out there on the lake. In 

fact, I thought we had merely spotted 

another hiker, out for adventure on a balmy 

afternoon. The figure emerged from the 

distant shoreline, about a quarter-mile away, 

and ventured onto the ice. It didn’t move 

differently than a human; it just seemed like 

God had taken human form in an attempt to 

make Himself known to us. 

We drank our beers in silence, 

watching God cross to one shore and back 

again, melting into the woods. 

If God lives outside Ely, then Satan 

tends bar downtown, showing up for duty 

in early November and leaving by April, 

pouring watery tap beer for snowmobilers 

and community-college students. He listens 

to his patrons try their best at karoke, 

emulating George Strait or Charlie Daniels. 

I’d like to think the devil smiled when he 

heard me channeling Elvis Presley’s “Love 

Me Tender” in the corner of a bar. But 

he didn’t seem that impressed, solemnly 

mixing me a whiskey sour when I redeemed 

my free drink ticket. 

Satan cruises Ely’s snow-choked streets 

after closing time on his black Arctic Cat 

snowmobile. He guns the engine, feeling 

750 cubic centimeters trembling between 

his muscular legs. Legend has it that God 

banished him from the forest long ago for 

reasons unknown; now, Satan patrols the 

sleepy town on these long, winter nights, 

forever trapped in solitary confinement. He 

moves among the darkened canoe-outfitter 

shops, sneaks between the drunken drivers. 

And when spring stumbles into Ely, all 

bleary-eyed and clumsy, the devil high-tails 

it north outta town, screaming away on the 

Photos By Brian Whitson 

county’s last quarter-inch of powder. 

I’m told Ely comes alive with the 

summer, when sunlight glistens on the 

water and the forest stirs with wildlife. I wish 

I could believe it. 

But a town caught in an eternal battle 

between good and evil can never truly 

thrive, can it 

Nick Neaton is a staff writer for 

The Wake and welcomes comments at 

office@wakenews.org.

Poll 

-aroid 

The Wake Asks: 

Now that youʼre in college, do you think youʼre 

better or worse at bullshitting, and why 

Photo Poll By Andy Tyra 

“I am worse at it because now they pay 

attention to what you’re doing, and there 

are all these new technologies they use 

to research what you actually wrote on. 

There’s more attention to it. I need to 

make sure I’m accurate.” 

“I am a lot better at it because you have 

to write so many papers, and you kind 

of learn that you don’t have to read the 

readings or anything like that. As long 

as the teacher talks about it, you can 

bullshit you way through.” 

“I would say that I’m actually worse at 

bullshitting today, simply because I’m 

more worried about being caught or 

labeled a cheater.” 

“A lot better. More practice with 

papers and class. More opportunities to 

bullshit.” 

–Farhiyo Abdulle– 

Sophmore 

Pre-Pharmacy 

–Meagan Smith– 

Freshman 

German and Political Science 

–Molly Scherber– 

Freshman 

Accounting 

–Stefan Daniels– 

Sophmore 

Global Studies and Economics 

Voices 

“Citations,” continued 

from page 8 

Photo By Brian Whitson 

Nick Neaton found God, the devil and a new way to rock ʻnʼ roll in Ely, Minn. 

reach some sort of conclusion from it, so 

that’s all the more incentive to help them 

along in any way possible. If the audience 

isn’t going to question the information, 

there’s no incentive for the person 

disseminating it to present it as if they 

will, unless the author has a great sense 

of ethics. 

It may also be possible that there 

just isn’t enough time to go through and 

scrutinize everything we come across. We 

are fed so much information that it’s difficult 

to absorb every detail of what we receive, 

much less what contributes to it. Similarly, 

it would be impossible for a teacher of a 

class of as little of 20 to go through every 

paper by every student and see if the cited 

sources were legit. 

While it’s always good for purveyors 

of information to back up what’s being said 

with solid sources, the value we place on this 

process needs to be taken into perspective. 

Just because someone else said it, doesn’t 

mean it’s the truth. 

Grant Boelter is a staff writer for 

The Wake and welcomes comments at 

office@wakenews.org. 

Voices is the editorial and opinion 

section of The Wake. 

We encourage members of the 

university community to express 

their views, which are independent 

of The Wake Student Magazine. 

The Wake Student Magazine 

welcomes ideas from readers for 

opinion pieces. 

Ideas should focus on campus, 

national, or international issues, and 

how they affect students. 

Please send pitches to: 

Conrad Wilson, 

contributing editor 

cwilson@wakenews.org 

The Wake Student Magazine 

1313 5 th Street SE 

Suite 331 


1 1Wake 

THE 

February 9, 2005

Literary 


12 

ECoast to Coast Poetry 

New York 

steams wheels, 

inhales burnt out joints, 

harvests moonlit-limbs, 

laces imagination with brandy, 

Bukowski as 

legs drip out of bathtubs. 

It was here I first knew 

broken saxophones, 

love-scented cabs, 

cowboy’s crushed trigger finger, 

naked subway graffiti of I hate my life and yours, 

slumped bottles, the wild prairie. 

I could steal Central Park, 

big-boned blade of voluptuous earth, 

tax-deductible on Wall Street. 

New York all-nighters hit morning and run, 

ride high with blank stomachs blank guns, 

pockets of plugged nickels. 

Fear New York, a casket without a headstone. 

It slays traffic with scarred palms, 

inside the jungle gym where God’s eye is slit. 

As for me, I’ll move back to the farm. 

I’d rather be stolen by a tractor, 

unloaded in the dark. 

New York, my eyes are swooping Mafiosa basement bulbs. 

I’d strap a heart behind them 

if you said I love you. 

October 23 rd , San Francisco 

This our last weekend, 

I turn. 

My soul out to pasture, 

rakes dried manure 

& mends wild fencing. 

(The ocean, 

glad & cold, 

poured daily into our bed.) 

We waded water 

together. I dipped 

into handouts from last night’s 

beach party, slimed & salted— 

Styrofoam, a broken beer bottle. 

I pressed away 

your hand, hot 

from my back. Blur 

your familiar fingers 

over dead nerves. We 

solemned our way 

to shore (beaten & rageful) 

spewing in deliberation. 

All the oceans died 

after I swallowed salt. 

:: About the Poet :: 

Nell Kromhout, a candidate for a BA in 

English, enjoys most of her time in 

a barn surrounded by hay, dirt and 

horses. Her other engaging activities 

include rock skipping, knitting, reading 

and writing. She frequently volunteers 

in schools doing poetry workshops 

and hopes to orbit the earth in a space 

shuttle someday, to count moon craters. 

:: Editor’s Note :: 

Walt Whitman says, “The proof of a poet is that his country absorbs him as affectionately as he absorbs it.” Coming from a man who saw himself as a prophet and seer of all 

things a venir in America, he obviously did not foresee this year with our poet laureate…who It’s Ted Kooser, right Yeah he writes good poems, but is America affectionately 

absorbing him I think not. A wise man once told me that the Academy did two things to American poetry and poetics; one, it saved it from annihilation by intellectualizing the 

genre, making poems that are to be ‘studied’ (and if you think ‘the Beats’ saved poetry you’ll be picking fights with a lot of smart people for a very long time, but that’s another 

rant); and two, while the Academy saved poetry it promptly killed the possibility of Americans writing emotional poems—meaning, the kind of stuff Neruda, Akhmatova, or 

Hikmet wrote. If an American poet were to write their sort of poem it would be blasted as trite, sentimental, or naïve…or would it I want to know if anyone agrees with this. 

Write me. Write me. Write me. 

--Z. Cody Lee Carlsen 

:: SEND SUBMISSIONS—ANYTIME—ALL SUBMISSIONS WILL BE CONSIDERED :: 

zcarlsen@wakenews.org

Poetry 

Chach 

The rumbling against the pavement approaches the door 

He enters unannounced with his board 

With a sigh, he overtakes the nearest armchair 

His body slouched and sprawled devoid of care 

Tossing his hat and kicking off his tattered shoes 

He displays shaggy hair and an ankle with a fresh bruise 

A typical reciting of daily events begins 

He reports his troublemaking and mischievously grins 

Revealing teeth like a tattered fence 

Proud of who he is and his lack of common sense 

Soon the conversation tapers to a quiet break 

He’s entranced by the buzz the television makes 

The clock ticks and I must leave 

I send subtle messages he doesn’t perceive 

He remains slouched, doesn’t bother to move 

With no plans and nothing to pursue. 

iminal 

LA Fine Arts and Literary Journal 

Poetry 

Fiction 

Essay 

Spoken Word 

Photography 

and 

Fine Arts 

:: About the Poet :: 

Keeya Steel is currently a freshman at the U of M majoring in political 

science and Spanish. Aspiring to hold a government office in the future, she 

loves traveling to Spanish-speaking countries. “The reasons for which I want 

to hold a government office are the same reasons I like to write many of my 

pieces; I analyze the stated and unstated laws of our society and focus on the 

people that struggle with the way these systems work -- of course by a much 

more artful means than a thesis paper.” She also enjoys being a student at the 

Loft Literary Center. 

DEADLINE: FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 25TH 

Now Accepting Graduate and Undergraduate 

Student Submissions for Inaugural Publication 

liminalmag@hotmail.com 

5-7-5 

Literary 

Illustration By Keely Grab 

Least Resistant 

Never mind the cold 

Never mind it, persevere! 

Wild ice will break stones 

Sartre and Sarcasm 

All of this is real 

Tell me what would not be real: 

All of this is fake 

My Lover Leaves for Work 

as I Wake Up 

Nine bamboos and me. 

I kiss your yellow pillow. 

Dish of sun, tout seule. 

:: About the Haiku-ist :: 

Un-named I pen lines 

Looking out in the Urban 

My deep heart blowing 

THE 

1 3 


February 9, 2005

Sound & Vision 

Music Film Art 

Definitive Jux 

Unleashes Hip-Hop Superpower 

Meet The Perceptionists 

Photos Courtesy of Biz3



By Frederic Hanson 

The Perceptionists may be one of the 

best hip-hop supergroups ever. They’re a 

collective of uniquely and supremely gifted 

hip-hop heads and intellects. The group – DJ 

Fakts 1, Akrobatik, and Mr. Lif – are among 

the best Def Jux has to offer. On their own, 

they’ve all had more than successful indie 

careers. As a group, they’ve elevated their 

respective styles into one conscious stream 

of pure heavenly hip-hop. They’re a Bostonborn 

beat-breaking lyric-shaking machine 

that cannot be stopped. They’re currently 

touring around the country in a van, picking 

up new devotees as they go. Recently, Ak 

and Fakts were kind enough to talk to us 

about a whole lot. Read on. Love it. And 

go pick up the album while you’re at it. 

The Wake: What’s up 

Fakts 1: Hey what’s up man 

The Wake: So, how’s it going 

Fakts: Eh, chillin’. 

The Wake: So what are you doin’ 

Fakts: Just hangin’ out in Milwaukee 

man. Just had a couple days off so we’re 

just here stuck in the hotel basically. 

The Wake: How’s the hotel 

Fakts: It’s a good hotel, thank god. 

The Wake: I was wondering – the Patriots 

won. I know you guys saw that coming . . . 

Fakts: Well, yeah – we wrote a song about 

it months ago. But, I’ll tell you this much, 

man. I woke up the night before in a cold 

sweat thinking that Philly was gonna win 

it. And then the game went almost exactly 

like my dream for the first half. So I was just 

sittin’ there – we were at this bar across the 

street with all these Eagles fans and shit. 

The Wake: You go to a lot of games in New 

England 

Fakts: Ah, I used to. Me and my dad used 

to be season tickets holders, man, so I was 

goin’ to games from like ’85 up to maybe 

like a year ago. 

The Wake: So what are your thoughts on T.O. 

Fakts: T.O. He played great, I mean he had 

a great game. 

The Wake: And Randy 

Fakts: Randy Moss Well, I dunno. I’m not a 

big Moss fan. I think he’s a talented player. 

The Wake: So how’s the tour been 

Have you had a good response so far 

Fakts: Oh yeah, definitely man. I’m here with 

Akrobatik and we’re both just chillin’ out. I 

don’t know, I guess I’d just say that it’s not 

really been large shows. We’ve intentionally 

been doin’ smaller venues and just opening 

up for groups who normally wouldn’t even 

have like a hip-hop opener. But the shows 

we’ve done, man – people have really 

been into it. We’ve gotten some really 

interesting responses from crowds that I 

didn’t even think would be into our shit. 

The Wake: How so 

Fakts: Like we did this show in San Fran 

that was, for all intensive purposes, an indierock 

show. And a lot of people seemed really 

into it. It was cool, man. 

The Wake: What’s the craziest thing that’s 

happened to you guys on tour 

Fakts: Nah. I mean, we’re not the type of 

guys who go out and start fights and be 

all wild and shit. But at the same time, we 

know how to have fun. A wild night for me is 

probably a bunch of unmentionable things 

and whatever in whatever publication you’re 

putting them in. We’re all pretty laid back. 

The Wake: You guys conspiracy theorists at all 

Fakts: Ah, to some extent. Not anything 

super crazy. I’m not, like, super involved 

in shit. But I definitely feel like there’s 

some shit going on. I don’t know what it 

is. I wouldn’t even want to speculate on it, 

especially in a public forum. But there’s gotta 

be some power at work making shit like it is. 

The Wake: You guys were named 

artists to watch in 2005 by the Boston 

Globe. How do you feel about that 

Fakts: I think it’s great, man. I’m glad that 

we can get a lot of love in our hometown. 

And I think that’s important for any 

musician or artist – just to have that kind of 

support wherever they come from. I mean, 

if you can’t do it at home, what makes you 

think you can do it somewhere else 

The Wake: What’s the scene like in Boston, 

outside of New York 

Fakts: It’s cool. There’s a lot of shows – a lot 

of tours that come 

through. Butt 

there’s also a lot of 

local cats. I mean, 

they’re about a 

dime a dozen 

– not even a dime 

a dozen. More like 

a dime a gross. 

Everybody raps. 

Everyone makes 

beats. So it makes 

for an interesting 

scene, because 

there a lot of young 

cats doing their 

thing – but it also 

gets watered down. 

The Wake: What else do you listen to 

Fakts: A lot of dub, a lot of reggae. What we 

listen to on the truck when we’re driving 

around is probably a good example. I mean, 

we’ll listen to like ‘Kid A’ to like The Congos. 

The Wake: Cool, so what are you 

doing when you’re not playing shows 

Fakts: Interviews, sleep. We’ve been doin’ 

like phone interviews in the morning. Doin’ 

email interviews. Like, literally, I’ve been 

sitting here on my laptop and I haven’t left 

all day. Here’s AK. Peace. 

The Wake: What’s up AK 

Akrobatik: Not much man. 

The Wake: So you’ve got an online 

Madden league. Why’d you do that 

AK: Well, I just love competition and playing. 

It’s the next best thing to being a player. I 

mean, being in a league. Competition is also 

a way to keep in touch with friends, and to 

give fans a feeling that we’re accessible. 

We’re just regular guys to chill with. 

The Wake: So, in “Memorial Day” 

you talk a lot about Bush, politics, etc. 

Is that something that you want to 

keep at the forefront of your music 

AK: Well, you know – the world is 

constantly changing. There’s always a lot 

of different things going on. So I just feel 

that, as a lyricist, I just want to talk about 

what’s going on. Whether it be politics, or 

health – whatever. There’s just so many 

topics to talk about. And because the world 

is constantly changing and because we 

as people are constantly evolving there’s 

always things to talk about. 

The Wake: So if there were a 

draft – hypothetically – and you 

were drafted, would you go 

AK: Well, first of all. I don’t think I’d be 

of much use 

because of a lot 

of old football 

injuries. But if it 

came down to it, 

and I was eligible 

and they wanted 

to draft me, 

would I go Um, 

no. I wouldn’t go. 

Absolutely not. 

The Wake: Yeah, 

me neither. 

The Wake: Who 

are some of your 

favorite rappers 

AK: My favorites 

are KRS, Big Daddy Kane, Public Enemy. 

Nowadays I like a lot of the MF Doom 

stuff. De La Soul is still up there for me. 

The Wake: Got a favorite on Def Jux 

AK: If I had to pick one, I mean. RJD2 

isn’t an MC, but I think I like his music 

the best out of anyone. But you know, 

the originator EL-P is pretty good. 

See “Perceptionists,” page 18 

Who: Akrobatik, Mr. Lif, Fakts 1 

What: Black Dialogue, the debut 

full-length from The Perceptionists 

When: March 2005 

Where: Order it online through 

Definitive Jux, or buy it when it 

drops at local record stores. 

Concert 

Heiruspecs 

Page 16 

Now Open 

Bordertown Coffee 

Page 20 

Review 

Assault on Precinct 13 

Page 21

Keepin’ it Real 

Heiruspecs deliver rap with roots live at The Whole 

January 28. 

By Morgon Mae Schultz 

February 9, 2005 Sound & Vision 


THE 

Heiruspecs is all about mixin’ it up 

– defying rap conventions. 

The St. Paul hip-hop group backs 

its rhymes with live drums, bass and 

keyboard, so on stage they look like a pair 

of MCs rolling out rhymes in front of a rockband 

backdrop. But the sound is totally 

integrated, with Twinkie Jiggles’ strong 

basslines shining through in some songs 

and dVRG’s piano melodies in others. The 

fabric holding all of it together is the dense, 

smooth vocals of Felix and Maud’Dib. 

The speed at which the two fly through 

their lyrics creates a texture more than a 

discernible verbal statement, like a handful 

of wooden beads tossed on the floor. The 

attitude of each song, which is muted on the 

CD, comes through on stage. 

Heiruspecs’ independent roots didn’t 

stop them from signing with a semi-big 

record label. Although their latest album, 

Tiger Dancing, is backed by Razor & Tie, 

the guys recorded all the songs before 

signing the contract. Judging from the 

crowd at The Whole, they’ve retained the 

indie-rap connection with their fans that 

they developed grassroots-style since they 

formed the band in their St. Paul Central 

High School music class. When Felix led 

the crowd in “5ves,” a song about sitting 

on the front step while your neighborhood 

goes by, a roomful of Twin Cities kids 

shouted along and waved their hands in 

the air. Heiruspecs hopped down from 

the stage after their set at The Whole and 

headed to the merch table at the back 

to give autographs and sell t-shirts and 

albums. Twinkie counted ones out of a zipup 

money bag. 

The band’s rap-world popularity hasn’t 

forced them to trim from their identity the 

pride they have in their St. Paul origins. 

Gearing up for “Intro,” which opens with the 

line “Straight outta St. Paul,” Felix asks the 

crowd, “Who here is proud of where you’re 

from” Everyone cheers. Chatting with a fan 

about local music after the Whole show, 

Felix says he’s the only person ever to stage 

dive at a Mason Jennings concert. 

Heiruspecs blend hip-hop bravado with 

critical self-reflection and integrity. Felix 

boasts in “Drop,” “Did you notice when 

I’m holding this pen, I flow with my hands 

like Chopin or Gauguin over a jam” but in 

“Lie to Me” reveals, “I sometimes wonder if 

these epiphanies will kill me / Creeping out 

of the deep, dark corners of the real me.” 

When a young woman asks him to sign 

her tight white t-shirt after the show, Felix 

says, “The belly only.” I ask dVRG about 

the absence of girl-demeaning lyrics in their 

songs, which I’ve always 

associated with rap. “We 

were all raised in families 

with moms who loved us. 

There’s no reason for us 

to hate women. That’s 

ridiculous.” 

Heiruspecs takes a lot of risks to stay 

true to their roots, and when you get the 

chance to see them live you should thank 

them for the turning out a fun show with 

heart. 

Heiruspecs’ latest, Tiger Dancing, is 

available at local record shops throughout 

the Twin Cities. 

16 

Photos By Andy Tyra 

Felix (vocals), MaudʼDib (vocals), Twinkie Jiggles (bass) and Peter Legget (drums) blend rhymes 

with live music while dVRG (keyboard, not pictured) adds melody.

From the Cradle to the Grave 

A metal moment with Cradle of Filth 

By Brant Johnson 

A couple months ago I had the chance 

to talk to Paul Allender, guitar player for 

possibly the world’s 

biggest extreme 

metal band, Cradle 

of Filth. Paul was 

with the band in 

their formative 

days (1992-1994) 

and recently 

returned in 1999. 

In 2004 the band 

somehow managed 

to top all of their 

previous output 

(which is a great 

feat!) and released 

N y m p h e t a m i n e 

on RoadRunner 

Records. 

The Wake: Well, 

Paul, I’d like to congratulate you on 

Nymphetamine, it’s really a killer record. 

But for those who haven’t been compelled 

to pick it up, tell them why they should 

bother. 

Paul: Nobody sounds like us. People 

compare us to black metal but we’re nothing 

actually like that. It’s unique and it’s our best 

album. 

The Wake: You were in Cradle of Filth in 

the very early years, left, and now have just 

recently returned. What is different about 

being in Cradle of Filth now 

Paul: The band is more mature. It’s 

completely different. The music and the feel 

has matured. If you listen to The Principles 

of Evil Made Flesh or Dusk and Her 

Embrace it sounds like kids playing and on 

Damnation and a Day and Nymphetamine 

it’s so much more mature. 

The Wake: I am curious there is always a 

lot of debate amongst fans whether Cradle 

of Filth is black metal or “extreme gothic 

metal” or some 

such non-sense. 

What do you have 

to say to this 

Paul: Cradle of 

Filth is completely 

different than black 

metal. I love black 

metal bands like 

Dimmu Borgir and 

Immortal but that 

doesn’t sound like 

us. I think we have 

a lot more groove. 

I don’t listen to a 

lot of black metal 

myself, but the band 

has pretty broad 

tastes. I do love 

the new Satyricon. I just don’t think a band 

should pigeonhole itself like these black 

metal bands do — that would be suicide for 

the band. Cradle of Filth has been around 

almost fifteen years and that’s because we 

don’t paint ourselves in a corner. 

The Wake: What do you have to say about 

the state of metal today 

Paul: I think it’s rubbish, really. There’s a lot 

I just can’t get into. I got into metal when the 

old school British metal bands were big like 

Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Saxon. I just can’t 

get into the new stuff. 3 Inches of Blood is 

one new band that is great and they play like 

the old bands. 

The Wake: 

Image is 

obviously rather 

important to 

Cradle of Filth. 

I do assume it is 

meant to be very 

much tongue in 

cheek. 

Paul: Image is very important for this band. 

It is something that we think about seriously 

to get across the appropriate concept and 

meaning. But yes, it is done very much with 

tongue planted firmly in cheek. 

“Actually, right before I got 

on the phone with you I found 

out weʼve been nominated for 

a Grammy!” 

The Wake: There had recently been a report 

that one of your former band members said 

Cradle of Filth would not play the Ozzfest 

again, can you elaborate on this 

Paul: Well, that was taken entirely out of 

context. He said it jokingly. We would do 

the Ozzfest again. We would only do it if it 

were the mainstage though. People should 

see Cradle when it’s dark out. We’d really 

need to get an hour and a half set instead 

of the forty-minute second stage set to do 

us justice. 

The Wake: How has the switch from Sony to 

RoadRunner Records been 

Paul: Roadrunner, 

they know what 

they’re doing. Their 

market especially. 

Sony tried to market 

us as a pop band. 

Thanks to Sony we 

missed out on a 

lot of interviews to 

promote the band 

and the album 

(Damnation and a Day). They offered us an 

option for a second album and we said no. 

RoadRunner has done very well. 

The Wake: What’s next on the horizon for 

Cradle of Filth 

Paul: We’re already writing the next album. 

We’ll be touring Greece and Europe coming 

up in February and March. Readers, now go 

out and by Nymphetamine, From the Cradle 

to Enslave, Dusk and Her Embrace, and 

every other COF album you can get your 

hands on. Also, check out cradleoffilth.com. 


The Wake: What is your greatest pride as a 

member of Cradle of Filth 

Paul: Oh, that’s easy. Our new album 

(Nymphetamine). It’s definitely our best 

accomplishment as a band. Actually right 

before I got on the phone with you I found 

out we’ve been nominated for a Grammy! 

The Wake: Congratulations! 

Paul: Thanks! 

THE 


The Wake: Now, do you have any regrets 

about your career with the band 

Paul: No, there’s no time for regrets, I’m 

too bloody busy. Everything happens for a 

reason. Even what didn’t go well. 

The Wake: So, what’s the best part of being 

in Cradle 

Paul: Meeting all sorts of different people. 

Playing on stage. It’s great. 

The Wake: So who are your biggest 

influences as a guitar player 

Paul: K.K. Downing and Glen Tipton (of 

Judas Priest), Adrian Murray (Iron Maiden) 

— a lot of jazz musicians. But I really listen 

to the whole band not just the guitars. I’m a 

big fan of Destruction. 

photo courtesy of www.webarchive.com 


1 7

Wake Q&A with Jukies Hangar 18 

the habit. 

The Wake: So where do you look for 

inspiration 

Alaska: I think mostly we look to ourselves. 

I mean there’s a lot of people that have 

inspired us to be MCs — to try to be 

better. The people on our label, or cats 

like Ghostface and Outkast. But mostly, we 

sorta have our own standards that we live 

up to. We know if we’ve written something 

good or if we haven’t — we kind of know. 

The Wake: So are you currently working on 

a follow-up 

Alaska: We have like seven songs recorded 

—or written, sorry. We just recorded one 

song, called “Nerdy Girl” which is sure to be 

a hit in America among nerd circles. 

Visit www.definitivejux.net to buy 

The Multi-Platinum Debut Album 

and get information on Hangar 18. 



THE 

18 

Hangar 18 looms large on the hip-hop horizon. 

By Frederic Hanson 

Hangar 18 recently released The Multi- 

Platinum Debut Album. Their inaugural 

debut on Definitive Jux, Platinum – paWL, 

Alaska and Windnbreez — is more of an 

ironic understatement than anything. Maybe 

it’s their defense against fears that they’re 

fall into some kind of indie 

hip-hop pigeon-hole like so 

many indie rappers seem to 

have done —but probably 

not. It’s mostly just funny. 

And it’s pretty obvious they 

don’t need to worry about 

anything musically. Talking 

with MC Alaska, I learned 

a few things —notably, that 

yes, they are actually named 

after the Megadeth song and 

prior to hip-hop, Alaska’s 

favorite group was Iron Maiden. Strange. 

The Wake: Is Tim there 

Alaska: No, can I take a message 

The Wake: Yeah, this is Frederic with The 

Wake Magazine. 

Alaska: Oh, hey, what’s up Sorry — I was 

screening my calls for telemarketers. 

The Wake: Oh, okay. So what’s up 

Alaska: Not much — I’m just driving to the 

beach actually. Yeah — we’re out in L.A. so 

we’re just hangin’ with some friends and 

goin’ over to the beach. 

The Wake: Shit — it’s like 20 degrees here 

or something. 

Alaska: Yeah — we were just there when 

you guys had like 

twelve inches of 

snow. 

We get drunk now and 

again but we donʼt do 

heroin yet. We havenʼt 

made enough money 

yet to support the 

habit. 

Photo Courtesy of Biz3 Media 

The Wake: So how 

would you describe 

your sound 

Alaska: I don’t know 

— I guess if I were 

to compare it to hiphop 

I’d probably say 

Beastie Boys meet 

HyRO. But I always 

like to say that we’d be Guns ‘N’ Roses if 

they were a hip-hop group. 

The Wake: You all live like Guns ‘N’ Roses 

too 

Alaska: Ah — we try to. We get drunk now 

and again but we don’t do heroin yet. We 

haven’t made enough money yet to support 

The Wake: So do you all write together 

Alaska: Yeah — for the most part we write 

together. We’ll usually just sit around and 

get a bottle and spend like eight hours 

trying to write a song. But every now 

and again there are songs that we’ll write 

individually, like “Take No Chances.” But 

most times, Paul will come up with the beat 

and give it to us. 

The Wake: Are you happy with how the 

album’s been received 

Alaska: Yeah, definitely. I wish there was 

a little more awareness of it — but that’s 

also on us, to get out there and do shows so 

people know who the hell we are. The crowd 

response has been great. 

The Wake: So, I was wondering — if you 

could open for someone, who would it be 

Alaska: Mini Kiss. Midgets that dress like 

Kiss are even more fun. 

The Wake: So what’s your favorite track on 

the album 

Alaska: “Go Git That.” I think “Go Git That” 

is the unanimous favorite. It was the last one 

we did, and it’s sort of the direction we’re 

going. 

NOW HIRING! 

Campus Writers 

Photography Editor 

Cover Artist 

Photographer 

Perceptionists Continued 

from page 15 

AK: Yeah, I’m working on stuff. Taking 

my time. But my focus right now is 

promoting the Black Dialogue album. 

Hey You. Yeah, you, the kid, reading The Wake. 

Did you know that we have a new website Yup. 

We do. So you should go to it. Because if you go, 

then you will be like, totally choice. So as I sit here, 

waiting for you to come visit our lucious website, I 

dream about you. What do you look like Do you 

have that really cool facial hair that I just adore, 

some people call it a chin strap...but really that 

doesnʼt justify its greatness. What do you like to do 

in your freetime Do you play the guitar, do you 

like to play catch in the park Are you annoyed 

that I am asking you all these questions Than 

gosh darn it, go to the website! 

www.wakenews.org 

Visit www.wakenews.org for an application

Nate on Drums 

Local TV worth watching 

ʻNate on Drumsʼ holds its own in television. 

ʻNate on Drumsʼ holds its own in television 

By Michael Mitchell 

When you think of sketch comedy, two 

things probably come to mind: “Saturday 

Night Live” and “Mad TV.” When you think 

of locally produced cable access shows only 

one thing probably comes to mind: why 

would I waste my 

time watching 

that What you 

may not know 

is that the Twin 

Cities has its own 

locally produced 

sketch show 

called “Nate On 

Drums” that 

could easily rival 

either of this genre’s giants in terms of 

originality and taste. Not only is “Nate on 

Drums” funny, it features local music, too. 

It’s so good that Channel 45 has picked it up, 

which is a big leap for a show that was once 

on cable access. 

Operating out of a studio in Mound, 

Minnesota (on Lake Minnetonka), the cast 

of “Nate on Drums” is a small, tight-knit 

group. “I love doing this,” David Harris 

said, reflecting on the time spent with 

his cast members. Aside from being one 

of the four main onscreen personalities, 

Harris also functions as the show’s segment 

producer. He met cast-mate and creative 

director Motion Price at the University of 

Minnesota when they were paired together 

as roommates by chance. 

“The whole show is put together by 

about eight or 10 people,” Price told me. 

Most of them went to high school together, 

where the idea of filming these hilarious 

sketches originated. 

The format for this show is simple and 

“Ranging from animation 

to ad-lib dialogues, ʻNate 

on Drumsʼ epitomizes 

variety.” 

effective: write three or four really funny 

shorts, have four really talented people 

act them out, and have a live musical 

performance close out the show. “Nate on 

Drums” is tasteful, amusing, and incredibly 

original. 

Aside from playing with such local 

bands as Cowboy 

Curtis and Coach 

Said Not To, 

Nate Perbix is 

the show’s host 

and namesake. 

Introducing the 

segments from 

behind his drum 

set, Perbix is 

often guilty of 

impeccable wit and the inability to keep 

a straight face. According to Harris and 

Price, Perbix is the show’s access to the 

local music scene, and a big supporter of 

getting bands on the show. All the music, 

from background clips and segues to instudio 

performances, is done by bands 

that the cast knows or from submissions 

they receive from local groups. February’s 

show, for example, featured a performance 

by The Screens and a soundtrack including 

The Repeats and The Amber Estate, among 

others. 

Ranging from animation to ad-lib 

dialogues, “Nate on Drums” epitomizes 

variety. The ideas always seem fresh –- 

showing evidence of a good sense of humor 

and an interest in developing the characters. 

The show, which ends its first season with 

a final episode on March 6, is moving out 

of what the cast called its “experimental 

phase.” Whatever the experiment may 

have been, it was successful. “Nate on 

Drums” has seen ratings increase for each 

Photo By Michael Mitchell 

consecutive episode aired on Channel 45. 

For season two, they plan to run an 

episode every week (as opposed to the once 

a month time slot they have right now). 

When asked about being on television 

late Sunday night, Price said, “We’re on 

at the same time as syndicated episodes of 

The West Wing. I think people like seeing 

something they haven’t seen before.” 

Something they haven’t seen is what the 

audience should expect, especially if you 

happened to see this month’s episode 

featuring cast member Linnea Mohn’s “Sex 

Bomb” segment. 

“The show is a reflection of our 

different backgrounds,” Price told me. 

Upon watching an episode, this becomes 

clear, but not in a way that is distracting. 

The influences of animation, drama, and 

music collide in a format that allows for this 

sort of variety. There is obviously a similar 

sense of humor among the people involved, 

and an extreme joy in making each episode. 

“We’ve got full time jobs,” said writer Caleb 

Rick. “But this is something we definitely 

like making time for.” 

On a recent episode, while introducing 

a segment, Mohn claimed, “These are the 

people I work with – Nate, David, Motion. 

They’re nice, polite young men, which in 

reality means they’re boring.” Sorry Mohn, 

but I’m going to have to disagree. The cast 

of “Nate on Drums” is far from boring; 

they’re spectacular. They also love what 

they do, which is of equal importance. If you 

call yourself an aficionado of the local music 

scene, or if you really want to see some 

great comedy by some Twin Cities talents, 

then you need to watch “Nate on Drums.” 

Don’t forget – the season one finale airs on 

Sunday, March 6 at 11:00 p.m. on Channel 

45. 


THE 



1 9

It’s a Fraternity! No! It’s a Coffee Shop! 

Bordertown Coffee comes to U 



THE 

By Conrad Wilson 

Creative thinkers converted the 

former Theda Chi frat house into a coffee 

shop that seeks to serve its 

community in an ambitious 

way. Bordertown Coffee 

opened in Dinkytown on 

the corner of 4 th Street and 

16 th Avenue, at the end of 

January, the day before the 

Twin Cities got its first real 

dose of snow. 

The Theda Chi house, 

built in 1929, closed about five years ago 

due to fire safety regulations and declining 

enrollment. The house remained vacant 

until Greg Silker, the director of Campus 

Journey, a non-profit Christian and nongreek 

fraternity and sorority that currently 

owns the house and coffee shop, bought it 

two years ago, renovating it to its current 

grind-glory grandeur. 

The name came from an ethics and 

philosophy discussion 

group 

named 

Bordertown that met 

in the space about a 

year before the shop 

opened, says Nathan 

Clancy, a supervisor at 

Bordertown Coffee. He 

says the name stayed 

because the shop wants 

to keep that feeling. “It’s a place where 

people can come and share ideas,” says 

Clancy. He also stressed that it is a place to 

study, meet with friends, or even enter into a 

conversation with people you do not know. 

“As the coffee shop has come to the 

“Itʼs a place where 

people can come 

and share ideas.” 

foreground…building community has 

become a real big focus. There’s so much 

isolation to be had in American culture. On 

the largest campus in the nation [this] is a 

place where people can come,” says Matt 

Wingard, an employee of Campus Journey. 

“It’s an attempt to recapture the heart of 

community.” 

“We have a society that’s being 

medicated for the depression caused 

by isolation. If we can fight that on the 

forefront…than we’re really on our way,” 

says Wingard. 

Bordertown has a lot to offer their 

customers including: free wireless Internet, 

a full selection of coffee beverages and 

fireplace with plenty of couches and 

tables. They also have a room that groups 

can reserve if they want a more intimate 

meeting space, free of charge. 

“The value of a coffee shop is that in a 

sense it is a retreat from what’s going on and 

we want to cater to that…we want people 

to come in here and make it a place that 

becomes a home,” says Dan Armstrong, 

manager of Bordertown. 

The shop currently has acoustic 

performances every Friday night that they 

eventually hope to expand to other types of 

music. Other plans include hosting a local 

film festival, a place for artists to display 

their works and lectures once or twice a 

month on various topics. “Our goal is to be 

art rich,” says Silker. 

“We want to be a community 

that invites other communities,” says 

Clancy, but admits that a lot is still in the 

developing stages. 

“It’s still a business but we’re trying to 

put a heart underneath it,” says Wingard. 

Bordertown’s Web site, which is up 

but not complete, is www.bordertowncof 

fee.com. 

20 

Bordertown provides a unique atmosphere for coffee consumers. 

Photos By Andy Tyra

Wake Movie Review 

Film: Assault on Precinct 13 

Ja Rule Against Classic Cinema 

Wake Food Review 

Eat a Piece of Elvis at St. Paul’s 

Highland Grill 

By Chris Wilson 

If you like your movies mindless and 

action-packed, you might want to check 

out both the new “Assault on Precinct 13” 

remake that’s been in theaters a couple of 

weeks, and the original 1976 John Carpenter 

cult classic of the same name. With no 

real plot to induce 

distracting thoughts, 

these B-action movies 

are the perfect remedy 

to the Oscar snobbery 

we’ll have to look 

forward to in the 

coming months. 

The original film 

strands a handful 

of people inside an 

abandoned police 

station against an 

onslaught of nameless 

street thugs. No famous 

actors and plenty of glorified violence. The 

beautiful thing about the original movie 

is how it plays with stereotypes. Making 

their stand are an assertive black cop, a 

wise-cracking-white murderer and a pair of 

female secretaries. Referring to coffee, one 

of the secretaries asks Ethan Bishop, the 

protagonist cop, “black” He replies, “for 

over thirty years.” The same secretary ends 

up taking up a gun, refusing to become the 

damsel in distress. 

With an impressive cast (including 

Ja Rule…), the remake sends the action 

fast and furious though, without that stale 

Vin Diesel aftertaste. Ethan Hawke stars 

as a burned out but still duty- bound cop, 

crime kingpin Marion Bishop is played 

cold and sinister by Laurence Fishburne; 

Brian Dennehy is the jovial old Irish officer; 

John Leguizamo is the coke addict with an 

astounding vocabulary (not just of the four 

letter variety); and Ja Rule does his best at 

playing the two-bit thug he is in real life. 

Gabriel Byrne plays “the bad guy” and tries 

to justify his badness, but he’s not fooling 

Photo Courtesy of RottenTomatoes.com 

anyone. We all learned in the third grade 

that you’re not supposed to kill people. 

The original plot was about a gang 

out to avenge the murder of their leader, 

no matter what the cost. In the update, this 

becomes a crew of several dozen crooked 

cops trying to murder Fishburne’s character 

before he can turn state’s evidence. 

Naturally they have 

to kill everyone else 

in the police station 

as well. 

Gabriel Byrne plays “the 

bad guy” and tries to justify 

his badness, but heʼs 

not fooling anyone. We all 

learned in the thrid grade 

that youʼre not supposed 

to kill people. 

This new 

version is a bad 

movie in the good 

way, but in my 

mind it’s also a 

bad remake. It 

does more with the 

crooks and cops 

stranded together 

subplot but hasn’t 

the whole dirty 

police thing been done a few times already 

Honestly, if you’re rehashing Steven Seagal 

movie plots (remember “Exit Wounds”) 

you probably aren’t pushing the originality 

factor enough. The ‘76 version’s wave after 

wave of anonymous attackers made it almost 

like a zombie survival movie, akin to “Night 

of the Living Dead.” Also, the changes from 

an assertive black cop to a burned out white 

cop and from a wisecracking, likable white 

criminal to an intimidating black criminal 

aren’t really beneficial changes. It also 

would have been nice to see some nods 

to the source material, especially since 

the original “Assault on Precinct 13” was 

actually a modern update of the John Wayne 

western “Rio Bravo.” 

If you don’t like old, low budget films 

you’ll want to stick with the new version. 

Otherwise, I would highly recommend the 

1976 “Assault on Precinct 13.” It may lack 

the polish of its 2005 predecessor, but it 

more than makes up for it in over-the-top 

personality and under the radar social 

conscience. 

By Taylor Eisenman 

The Superhero Food Critic 

The beginning of this particular food 

expedition occurred months ago, before 

the onslaught of winter, at a barbecue 

party my roommates and I hosted. We 

were in the midst 

of a bet only horny 

college girls would 

implement: the makeout-with-a-random 

boy bet, when out of 

nowhere I went from 

jolly to tipsy to pieeyed 

and plastered. 

Blurbs of memory 

from that night flicker 

clear and then fade, 

but I do know this — 

I won and so did my other roommate, but 

in the same impalpable fashion. Our prize 

was dinner, paid for by our less prosperous 

roommate. Only in college can you win a 

wager and get treated to dinner without 

actually remembering how you won. 

To claim our blue ribbon for 

bawdiness we were taken to the Highland 

Grill, a decked-down ‘50s diner, the usual 

nostalgic records and Fonzie memorabilia 

missing from the walls. The décor was 

modern—black metal lights hung against 

bright green walls contrasting the red ‘50s 

booths. 

It was Saturday night. We took 

two steps in the door and became part 

of a hungry parade of sardined patrons, 

all waiting to put their names in. While 

we waited, my wandering eye caught 

glimpses of stacked high sandwiches, 

colorful salads, and to my delectation, 

overflowing omelets and hash browns. 

“They serve breakfast,” I squealed, my 

inner child enraptured by the chance to 

have pancakes for dinner. We promptly 

put our name in and were told it was only a 

fifteen minute wait—praise the diner gods 

for their in-and-out ethics. 

The menu was extensive and the 

exploration of it was a frustrating fiasco. 

A medley of entrees, burgers, salads, 

sandwiches, and breakfast items beckoned 

to be tried. Choosing just one seemed an 

injustice to the menu and my stomach. But 

alas, in the end, my roommates and I shed 

a tear apiece, buckled down, and asked the 

waiter for a couple more minutes. 

I was ultimately cajoled by the fresh 

spinach salad with chicken. I know what 

you are thinking — salad You could have 

had breakfast you fool! I’ll admit it; I am a 

sucker for salads, especially a fresh spinach 

salad with seasoned grilled chicken, 

candied walnuts, dried cranberries and 

brie cheese all floating in harmony with 

a tangy raspberry vinaigrette. This was 

where my stomach began to sing … 

“Heaven, I’m in heaven la la la.” 

My other victorious roommate 

ventured into the award-winning world 

of the turkey burger. Voted best turkey 

burger by Mpls.St.Paul Magazine in 

2003, this burger had a twist of Thai in it. 

Peanuts, jalapeno, onion, garlic and curry 

blended with ground turkey and accented 

with pepper jack 

We were in the midst of 

a bet only horny college 

girls would implement: the 

make-out-with-a-random 

boy bet. 

cheese, poblano 

pesto aioli and 

greens. 

And finally, 

the benefactor 

of our meals 

strapped on her 

“Blue Suede 

Shoes,” warmed 

up her pelvis, and 

sunk her teeth 

into a burger 

from Elvis. The Elvis burger was a meaty 

morsel with a six-ounce beef patty, two 

strips of bacon, American cheese, lettuce, 

tomato, onion, pickles and roasted garlic 

mayo. Her only complaint—too much 

lettuce. 

After all of us had scraped our 

plates clean, we were brought the bill. 

I omnisciently smiled at our waiter. We 

were not done yet. I explained that our 

vision had been obscured throughout the 

evening by piles of whip cream and we 

were prepared to investigate. We ordered 

crème brulee and a brownie sundae. The 

crème brulee came dressed as its rich, 

fresh-vanilla-bean self and was, as always, 

a treat for the taste buds. 

However, the heavyweight champion 

for the night was a humongous brownie 

topped with vanilla ice cream, chocolate 

and caramel sauce, and two walloping 

puffs of whip cream. The sundae’s nimbus 

lingered even after the last bite of divinity 

was devoured. 

Highland Grill serves up quality 

American cuisine, infused with unique 

ingredients that even the most avid meat 

and potato lover will enjoy. The reasonable 

prices and good service make Highland 

Grill king of diner country. 

Rating: Sterling 

Location: 771 Cleveland Ave 

S, St. Paul 55116 

The Wake reviews a 

restaurant every issue and 

rates each one with various 

arbitrary adjectives. 


THE 



2 1

Campus 


22 

Sexy is as Sexy Does 

Gavon “The Houseboy” 

Haubner gets tense 

as things heat up and 

clothes fall down. 

Photos By Brie Cohen 

A burlesque beauty strips behind a translucent scrim, creating a 3-D effect for audience 

members wearing special glasses (see opposite, bottom left). 

Le Cirque Rouge de Gus is a wildly entertaining burlesque 

and cabaret show that puts on a risqué, refined performance. 

“The show celebrates women, because any woman can do 

this,” says manager Amy Buchanan. “You don’t have to look 

like Barbie. Sexy is sexy.” Le Cirque Rouge performs at The 

Loring Pasta Bar every Saturday night at 10 p.m. The troupe 

will put on special Valentine’s performances at the new 

Varsity Theater in Dinkytown on February 11, 12 and 14 at 

9 p.m.

Le Cirque Rouge shows off its talent in an Egyptian dance. 

Campus 

Actress Corin Caovette sings the blues. 

THE 


What a tease! 


Spectators check out the 3-D silhouette strip. 

23

The Importance of Being Goldy 

The mystery of the gopher revealed 

February 9, 2005 Campus 


THE 

24 

By Sara Schweid 

When I first decided to attend the 

University of Minnesota, I remember a 

friend of mine chuckling at the thought 

of me becoming a Gopher. A Gopher is, 

perhaps a slightly unusual 

mascot, not fierce like 

a Tiger, not outright 

ridiculous like a Hokie, 

(whatever that is), but it is 

the perfect personification 

of Minnesota nice. 

For 74 years, Goldy 

the Gopher has been the 

face of the University 

of Minnesota, and he 

couldn’t be happier. A 

die-hard Gopher fan and 

an athlete himself, Goldy 

leads an interesting life. 

From performing at 

sporting events, to making 

personal appearances, to 

practicing his signature 

dance moves and of 

course, making time to impress the ladies, 

Goldy is quite the busy little gopher. As a 

student athlete whose season never ends, 

staying in shape year-round is a necessity. 

As Jon Hart, Coordinator for Goldy Gopher 

performances states, “it is 

very grueling to be in the 

costume,” and so physical 

fitness is important. As 

a student athlete, Goldy 

must be a full time student, 

maintain a 2.0 GPA, and 

attend regular practices. 

Other than that, there are 

few actual requirements 

for becoming Goldy. 

Each spring there is an audition 

process, during which students are tested 

on physical fitness, personality, character 

creation and improvisation. This is the best 

way to test the students’ ability to perform 

and of course make people laugh. We’ve all 

witnessed Goldy’s sideline performances, 

and can probably agree that he is able to do 

all of that amazingly well. 

And the best part of performing 

“Interacting with the true Minnesota sports 

fans that are crazy at the games,” says 

Goldy, they are “the best in the country… 

A gopher is 

perhaps a slightly 

unusual mascot, 

not fierce like a 

Tiger, not outright 

ridiculous like a 

Hokie (whatever 

that is), but it 

is the perfect 

personification of 

Minnesota nice. 

“It is very grueling 

to be in the 

costume,” and so 

physical fitness is 

important. 

Image Courtesy of umn.edu 

energetic, loyal, [they] yell loud, and love 

their team.” 

As for signature dance moves and 

sideline performances, Goldy has a few up 

his sleeve. He calls his most impressive 

move the “head spin,” which can be initiated 

by the crowd if they yell 

“Spin Your Head!” to 

and feels 

grateful to 

Capital One for providing 

mascots with some much 

deserved recognition, saying 

that the competition “really 

gives mascots a chance to 

shine.” 

It may 

seem odd to 

be writing 

this and 

r e f e r r i n g 

only to 

Goldy, and 

not the 

person who 

puts on 

that suit and entertains us 

all at sporting events. But, 

it is essential to protecting 

what Jon Hart refers to as the 

“integrity of the character.” 

Any actor knows that 

one of the worst things 

that he or she can do on 

stage is break character. 

For the duration of each 

performance the actor is 

not himself, the actor is the 

character. This basic theater 

lesson is taught to Goldy and 

is strictly upheld, hence the 

lack of a personal interview 

with the performer. 

The more that I 

considered this extensive 

secrecy I realized the 

importance of it. Hart puts 

it simply; Goldy is a symbol 

not only for the athletics 

department, but for the 

university and even the state 

as a whole. The identity of 

the performers must be kept 

secret because Goldy is “so 

the beat of three claps 

repeatedly until grabbing 

Goldy’s full attention. 

Post-touchdown, the 

crowd loves to count along 

as Goldy does a number 

of pushups equal to the 

Gopher’s score. Goldy is 

a nationally recognized 

mascot. This year, Goldy 

was among 12 university 

mascots nominated for 

the Capital One Mascot 

Challenge. He calls the 

whole experience a “true 

h o n o r , ” 

much bigger than the individual…and no 

one individual can take credit for what 

Goldy does.” 

And Goldy loves everything he does. 

He is able to travel and perform around the 

country, and makes appearances at birthday 

parties, weddings, and charity events, to 

name a few. Despite the fact that he receives 

“numerous professional offers each year,” 

he certainly has no intention of leaving the 

university. Though he loves his position 

here, if he could be any mascot, Goldy would 

want to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. “I 

am pretty good with a Bo staff…and I have 

been practicing my Nunchakus skills.” He 

has some in his locker and told me to stop 

by if I ever wanted an exhibition. Perhaps 

I’ll take him up on that offer. 

Contact Jon Hart at the Spirit Squad Office 

for information on the spring auditions 

(612) 382-0609 

Photo Courtesy of umn.edu 

Photo Courtesy of Jon Hart

Valentine’s Day is for Lovers 

Chemistry students 

unaffected 

By Abigail Mackenzie 

Online dating services reek of the 

information age. It seems almost impossible 

that they existed before people were too 

busy to leave the office for lunch let alone 

find a lover. Dating services have been 

around in one form or another (women 

didn’t always have it so good) for centuries. 

During the Roman Feast of Lupercalia, 

a pagan festival that celebrated the gods of 

marriage and religion, the Romans held a 

date lottery. The women would place love 

notes into a large vessel and then the men 

would pick one out. Whomever’s love note 

the man chose would become the object of 

his affection. 

The date of this festival: February 14th. 

Obviously, Valentine’s Day has come a long 

way since its inception during early Roman 

times. 

Today greeting 

card companies 

sell more than 

$9 million in 

valentines. 

Today greeting card companies sell 

more than $9 million in valentines. Add in 

all of the money people spend on flowers, 

chocolates and jewelry for their sweethearts 

and you have an industry so large it would 

rival a small country’s GNP (Gross National 

Product.) 

In Dinkytown the owner of Avalon 

Campus Cards says Valentine’s Day is their 

second biggest season next to Christmas 

and that February 14 is their highest volume 

day. 

It seems like some people are reaping 

the benefits of the holiday celebrating love. 

When asked why she likes Valentine’s 

university sophomore Cindy Tschautscher 

responds “you get spoiled by the person 

who loves you.” 

Campus 

THE 

“Itʼs enough to 

make a freethinking 

individual 

want to gouge his 

own eyeballs out 

with an old rusty 

pair of scissors.” 

While many still revel in the anticipation 

of Valentine’s Day, others find the holiday 

too commercialized and ridiculous. 

Googling “Valentine’s Day sucks” 

brings up pages of sites, many of them 

blogs, devoted to anti-valentine supporters. 

One had a particular message against the 

day associated with cupid. 

“It’s enough to make a free-thinking 

individual want to gouge his own eyeballs 

out with an old rusty pair of scissors,” Leigh 

“Fuck Hallmark” Orf writes on his Web 

site. 

Orf has provided other Valentine’s Day 

haters with a way to survive the holiday. 

Suggestions include to “firebomb all of the 

Hallmark card shops you can find” and 

declare February 14th a day of hate. 

There are plenty of others who oppose 

Valentine’s Day, but many take a much less 

extreme stance than Orf. 

University sophomore Amy Dvergsdal 

says the holiday was more fun as a little 

kid. 

“I think it started out as a nice idea, 

sharing Valentine’s Day with someone you 

love, but I think it’s really kind of stupid 

now because there is so much pressure 

now. If you are dating someone you have 

to get them a present. If you are not dating 

somebody you have to be up-in arms over 

Valentine’s—so many people have so much 

Illustration By Eric Carlson 

hatred for it,” Dvergsdal says. 

First year chemistry grad student 

Aaron Burns, says Valentine’s Day sucked 

in high school, but now he doesn’t really 

think about it. 

“You’re asking chemists, I don’t think 

we think about Valentine’s Day.” 

Tschautscher’s brother Craig had a 

similar view of the day. 

“It’s just another day,” Tschautscher 

says. 



25

The Wake Asks: 

February 9, 2OO5 

2 6 

Will you be my Valentine 

“Maybe...” 

-Ryan Jahnke- 

Sophomore 

Chemical Engineering 


-Michaela Echelberger- 

Junior 

Political Science 


-Ashleigh Geib- 

Sophomore 

Sports Studies 

“No.” 

-Shah-Nawaz M. Dowad- 

Senior 

Biochemistry 

Wakie Got Mail! 

Wakie Says Hello To: 

Apparently our friendly Wake eye with apendages has fans. Look at what 

Wakie got in the mail! Go Wakie Go Wakie, it’s your birthday. 

Ann 

Well golly gee Ann, don’t you feel 

special! 

Tune in next issue to see if Wakie will 

say hi to you! 

-If Wakie said hi to you, say hi back!- 

Write Wakie at 

Wakie 

1313 5th St SE Suite 331 


So, itʼs almost Valentineʼs Day. Have you forgotten to make a card Cut out an Arbitrary Award and tape it on a piece of 

paper. Itʼs way better than all that mushy gooshy crap anyways... 

THE WAKE’s ARBITRARY AWARDS! 

BEST accent: 

American accent you stupid foreigner. 

WORST Valentineʼs day gift: 

gonorrhea. 

JUICIEST fruit: 

The fruit that juicy fruit gum comes 

from. 

EASIEST test: 

drug test. 

WORST fire: 

This fire! AHH! It burns! 

BEST impression of a donkey: 

your jack-ass of a neighbor.

The Broken Sidewalk -By Devin Enszjij 

& iji -By Eireann Lorsung- 

Comix 

BASTARD 

So You Are In Collage -By Eli Zimmerman- 

THE 



27

Web site of the issue: 

Build Your own Hero!! 

http://www.ugo.com/channels/comics/heroMachine2/ 

Spphorah 

the 

Seawoman 

 

 

 

JOIN THE 

'92 

Safer Sex Since 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unique Service Opportunity! 

Unique Service Opportunity! 

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Student Magazine - The Wake

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