marriage-hacks

TABLE OF CONTENTS
1
INTRODUCTION
TYLER WARD
4
2
LOVE STIMULATES LOVE
GARY CHAPMAN
7
3
THE “15 SECOND KISS” EXPERIMENT
RYAN FREDERICK
9
4
MARRIAGE ISN’T JUST A CHOICE
DANNY SILK
12
5
7 SECRETS OF HAPPY MARRIAGES
JENNA MCCARTHY
14
6
3 THINGS I WISH I KNEW BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED
TYLER WARD
18
7
WHO NEEDS HANDCUFFS
GARY THOMAS
23
8
LEARNING TO BE NAKED WITHOUT FEAR
CHRISTA BLACK
27
9
MARRIAGE IS MADE FOR YOU
WILLIAM PAUL YOUNG
31
10
FOREVER, A DAY AT A TIME
CHANCE SCOGGINS
34
11
SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO
JEFF GOINS
38
12
NEVER STOP EXPLORING
JONATHAN JACKSON
41
13
DON’T BUY STUFF YOU DON’T NEED
JOSHUA BECKER
44

3
14
GO WITH THE THE FLOW
CARLOS WHITAKER
48
15
SECRETS DON’T MAKE MARRIAGES
BARRY AND LORI BYRNE
51
16
PRACTICE MAKES THE PASSION POSSIBLE
DUSTIN RIECHMANN
54
17
THE PROMISE YOU CAN’T KEEP IN MARRIAGE
JOHN MARK COMER
57
18
THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS TO GET TO FOUR
KAREN EHMAN
61
19
MOCK EACH OTHER AND 7 OTHER CREATIVE TIPS
ON MARRIAGE
JEREMY COWART
66
20
DROPPING THE IF-BOMBS
PAUL EDWARD RALPH
70
21
GOOD GIRLS LIKE SEX TOO
SHELIA WRAY GREGOIRE
75
22
HOLD HANDS
RYAN BOWER
81
23
24
25
MARRIAGE ISN’T ABOUT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON
KRIS WOLFE
DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE THE ONE THAT LOVES THE MOST
NATE BAGLEY
WHEN THE MARITAL GRASS LOOKS GREENER ON THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE
RACHEL WOJNAROWSKI
84
87
90
26
MARRIAGE DOESN’T HAPPEN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY
JARED BLACK
93
27 6 SHORT, SWEET & TWEETABLE PIECES OF ADVICE 97
28 NEXT STEPS 99
29 CREDITS 100

4
INTRODUCTION
I was wonderfully undisturbed in my life as a bachelor.
Then I met a 5-foot-nothing Swedish-Filipino woman with an authentic spirituality
and an uncanny ability to light up a room. She was alluring. And after deciding I’d
rather not live without her, I asked if I could put a ring on her finger—that is, I
decided to officially invite another human to be in my personal space for the rest of
my life.
She consented.
We married in a barn.
It only took me a couple months to realize that I had no idea how to be married.
The practice of marriage for us young people today is increasingly unnatural—and
confusing.
Sociologists say marriage is fundamentally broken.
Historians say it’s outdated.
Post-moderns, many of them, say it’s not even necessary.
And tragically, statistics seem to say it’s not worth it.
We all share a constant exposure to disappointment in marriage. It’s put on display
every day—in the news, in celebrity relationships, in our parents’, friends’ or
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5
coworkers’ lives. Because of it, some of us wait to marry. Others of us run to marriage
at the first chance we get with a revolutionary’s fist in the air. Yet, none of us truly
know what this enigmatic relationship will ask of us.
I began a larger conversation about marriage among Millennials over a year ago on
several platforms online. From the feedback, its clear that most young people—myself
included—have a learning curve early in marriage.
Some of us may have had some help from parents or books. But we’ve all been raised
in a time and culture that hand us counter-productive mentalities and misguided
expectations that don’t exactly set us up well for true love.
So.
Perhaps that’s why we’re here—now—together. It’s a sort of collective recognition that:
“Marriage is beautiful, but unnatural...worth it, but challenging.
And I, like many, could use a little help in navigating.”
I’ve written a book about my journey of dismantling these modern misconceptions,
mentalities, and expectations I brought to marriage called Marriage Rebranded. In
the process of writing it, I met some of the more amazing individuals who offered
priceless insight into marriage. This eBook is an attempt to collect all their wisdom in
one place.
Over the past two years, I’ve reached out to these experts, counselors, best-selling
authors, and/or relational veterans for one piece of marriage advice for young people
today—be it practical or conceptual. And the level of insight and wisdom that has
come pouring in has been overwhelming.
If marriage is hard for you at the moment, I hope this eBook simply comforts you to
know you’re not alone.
If marriage is amazing and fruitful, may it help you sustain.
If marriage is confusing, may it offer some insight on this unique union.
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If marriage feels pointless, may it add purpose and depth.
Hope it helps! And please stay in touch.
TYLER WARD
TYLER WARD’s articles on lifestyle, marriage, and religion—which have
been enjoyed by millions—have led him to recently release his first
book, Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art
of Loving Another Person.
Married with two kids, TYLER calls Nashville home. His day job involves
helping early stage businesses launch, grow, and communicate
online.
world
tylerwardis.com
twitter
@tylerwardis
Marriage Rebranded will help you replace four modern
misconceptions about marriage with more timeless
perspectives enlightened by biblical, personal, and
historical studies.
ORDER NOW
6

LOVE STIMULATES LOVE
GARY CHAPMAN
Love is a choice.
We can request love, but we cannot demand love. We cannot make our spouse speak
our love language. However, though we can’t control our spouse, we can control our
attitude and our behavior.
The good news is that love stimulates love. And though the object of love is not getting
something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love, it is
a fact that when we receive love, we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate
and do something our spouse desires.
Try this…
Choose an attitude of love. Learn the love language of your spouse and speak it on a
regular basis. Then, three months down the road, you can say to them,
‘On a scale of zero to ten, how much love do
you feel coming from me’
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Love Stimulates Love
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If they give you a seven, eight, nine, ten—you’re at the top. Or if they say anything less
than ten, you say,
‘What can I do to bring it up to a ten or bring it up to a nine’
They’ll probably give you a suggestion. To the best of your ability, you do that.
Repeat this process every two weeks by simply asking your spouse what you can do to
love them better, and taking their answer to heart.
There’s a good chance that, before long, they’re going to say, ‘Well, wait a minute here.
I’m turning this around. On a scale of zero to ten, how much love do you feel coming
from me’”
Before you know it, they’ll be working to love you as well as you have loved them.
And that is exactly how love stimulates love.
GARY CHAPMAN
Dr. Gary Chapman’s expertise in marriage begins with the success and
failures he and his wife Karolyn have experienced in their marriage for
more than 45 years. He is just the man to turn to for help on improving
or healing our most important relationships. His own life experiences,
plus over thirty-five years of pastoring and marriage counseling, led
him to publish his first book in the Love Language series, The Five Love
Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Many
of the millions of readers credit this continual New York Times bestseller
with saving their marriages by showing them simple and practical
ways to communicate love.
world www.5lovelanguages.com twitter @garychapman Buy The 5 Love Languages
8

THE “15 SECOND KISS” EXPERIMENT
RYAN FREDERICK
A few weeks back, I met a gentleman at church named Tim. Tim and his wife had
been married many years (I can’t remember exactly, but it was at least 30) and weathered
many trials through their marriage (cancer included).
Naturally I asked him what the secret was – as I usually do when I meet someone
with an epic marriage. “How have they stuck together through everything”
He simply replied, “The 15 second kiss.”
Intrigued, I asked, “What do you mean“… though I suppose I could have figured it
out.
He responded, “Every day, my wife and I always give each other a 15 second kiss. It’s
long enough that you can’t fake it – it forces us to connect.”
I had never heard of purposefully timing a kiss. It was a novel idea I was anxious to
try!
Now, my wife Selena and I kiss plenty—but we realized that we don’t often kiss for
more than a few seconds. I’m not exactly sure why, but I do know it wasn’t like that
when we were dating. (We made out way too much and for too long when we were
dating…)
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The "15 Second Kiss" Experiment
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After my “sales pitch”, Selena and I agreed to try a few days with the “15 second kiss”
rule. Here’s what we learned (or were reminded of )…
1. 15 SECONDS ISN’T THAT LONG… EXCEPT WHEN YOU’RE KISSING.
We burn 15 seconds all the time without thinking about it. We sit on our phones,
daydream, work around the house, you name it – 15 seconds is a short amount of time
for most tasks. However, when you’re kissing and consciously timing it, 15 seconds
seems to be longer. And that’s a good thing!
At first we were both aware of the time because of the novelty of the exercise. It didn’t
take long for us to simply get lost in the kiss. If other couples are like us, we get too
busy to “get lost” doing anything. The 15 second kiss was a refreshing reminder that
we can truly get lost in our affection for one another.
2. IT’S NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO KISS FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD
OF TIME AND NOT FEEL CLOSER.
Kissing is intimate. We found that as we “got lost” in the kiss, we were getting lost
together. And when we were lost together we truly found each other. (Oh, that sounds
poetic…)
Kissing makes us feel closer; and since we always want to feel closer it makes sense to
make purposed kissing a daily part of our lives.
3. IT REFOCUSED US ON “WHO” WE ARE TO EACH OTHER.
My wife is my best friend. When you’re “kissably-close” to your spouse, smelling their
breath, feeling their skin, you remember who they are as a person. It’s easy to begin
seeing your spouse as a roommate or casual partner, but kissing reminds us of the
distinctly human qualities (good and bad) that we fell in love with in the first place.
Kissing forces us to drown out distractions around us. We had to consciously tune
everything else out and focus solely on each other – something we can all agree we
need more of.
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The "15 Second Kiss" Experiment
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4. KISSING IS A GATEWAY DRUG.
Kissing contributes to overall friskiness. We are both… ahem… more “intimacy
minded” after the 15 second kisses than we are before.
5. KISSING REFRESHES AND ENERGIZES US.
Perhaps it’s just the friskiness, or maybe something else, but kissing is like an adrenaline
shot. We both feel excited and energized after a 15 second kiss.
Try for yourselves!
Whether you and your spouse are constant kissers or even if you’ve forgotten what a
french kiss is, I highly recommend giving this exercise a shot. Feel free to go longer
than 15 seconds, but certainly don’t go shorter – at least not until you try it a few
times.
I’m confident it will have a positive impact on your relationship with your spouse.
RYAN FREDERICK
Ryan & Selena Frederick have been married for nearly 11 years; they
certainly don’t know everything about marriage but what they do know,
they share with brutal transparency. Their blog, Fierce Marriage, is
a resource for young couples looking to build a meaningful, lifelong
marriage with Christ at the absolute center.
world fiercemarriage.com
twitter @fiercemarriage
11

MARRIAGE ISN’T JUST A CHOICE
DANNY SILK
It was June 16th, 1984—my wedding day. The main event had arrived at last.
Sheri, my bride, faced me as we stood between Pastor Bill Johnson and our guests, ready to
pledge lifelong devotion and love to one another. Moments before, Bill and his wife, Beni,
had sung a beautiful duet, preparing a perfect atmosphere for the exchange of solemn
vows. Then Bill turned to me and began to ask the old, weighty questions, leading me
through the promises to be faithful through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, till
death do us part.
Finally, Bill asked me,
“Do you choose Sheri as your wife for as long as you shall live”
“I. Do.”
Little did I know the significance of what I had just said. Like anyone else on his or her
wedding day, I really had no idea what I was signing up for when I chose Sheri. Only as I
journeyed through the first twelve years of our marriage, which challenged and invited me
to hold to that choice again and again, in the most difficult of circumstances, would I come
to understand that speaking these words had ushered me into the test of a lifetime.
We echoed this language later in our wedding ceremony, when we exchanged rings. After I
put the gold band on Sheri’s finger, Bill asked me to repeat a further set of vows.
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Marriage isn't just a choice
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“My chosen, Sheri,” he began, “with this ring I commit my life to you…”
“My chosen, Sheri.”
To this day, I use this phrase to communicate my most intimate and devoted message
to my wife. Every time she hears these three words, she lights up. It’s as though I have
pumped fresh blood into the connection we established on that day nearly thirty years ago,
easing her anxieties and administering a life-giving dose of comfort, affection, and security
to her heart.
These words remind her that I not only chose her on our wedding day, but that I also
continued to choose her, even through the rough early years of our marriage.
Yes, there were times in those years—too many times—when I wrestled with that choice
and how to play it out. I even considered going back on that choice on a few occasions. But
each time, I returned to the words I had spoken. I now know that I will always do so, no
matter what.
I’ve signed numerous notes and cards with “My chosen, Sheri” to remind her of that
choice— and to remind myself as well. Those words may have ushered me into the test
of a lifetime, but they also brought me through it. Holding to them is what taught me to
keep on loving, even when everything in me wanted to quit.
Marriage isn’t just a choice. It’s choosing the same person a million times.
DANNY SILK
Danny Silk serves on the Senior Leadership Team of both Bethel Church in
Redding, CA and Jesus Culture in Sacramento, CA. He is the President and
Co-Founder of Loving on Purpose a ministry to families and communities
worldwide. Danny is also the author of four books: Culture of Honor,
Loving our Kids on Purpose, Powerful and Free and the top selling Keep
Your Love On. Danny and Sheri married in 1984, and have three children
and three grandchildren.
Buy Loving on Purpose
twitter @dannyleesilk
13

7 SECRETS OF HAPPY MARRIAGES
JENNA MCCARTHY
I have a remarkably happy marriage and people ask me all the time what our “secret”
is. (Not as often as they ask me about autism, vaccines and Jim Carrey, so let’s get
something straight before we go any further: I. Am. Not. Her.)
I used to wonder if our spousal success had something to do with pheromones or
astrology or compatible blood types, but after fourteen years of marital mostly-bliss,
I am convinced the key is some combination of kindness, respect and my ability to
read a road map upside down; perhaps divided by my husband’s ability to tune out my
nagging.
Okay, fine. We got lucky.
But seriously, there are researchers who spend their entire lives trying to figure out
why one out of every two marriages ends with the division of assets, and because I
write books on the subject, I follow their studies closely.
It turns out, the couples who make it all the way to side-by-side cemetery plots share a
few similarities beyond “they don’t have sex with other people” (although that’s certainly
a solid start).
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7 Secrets of Happy Marriages
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Based on a totally arbitrary review of the available research, I have outlined seven of
my favorite, scientifically proven* secrets of happily married couples, in no particular
order:
1. THE WIFE IS THINNER AND BETTER LOOKING THAN THE HUSBAND.
At first this makes no sense at all. What’s so blissful about being married to someone
who is relatively fat and ugly But think about it: ONE of you has to be thinner and
better looking, and women tend to care a great deal about both of these things. Men,
on the other hand, tend to care a great deal about having sex, ideally with women who
are thinner and better looking than they are. So really, it’s a win-win.
2. HAPPY HUSBANDS AND WIVES DON’T WATCH CHICK FLICKS.
Seems that after sitting through Sleepless in Seattle (or any other rom-com), relationship
dissatisfaction tends to skyrocket. This isn’t all that surprising. After all, when
you realize it (whatever “it” is) could happen to you, but it hasn’t, and probably never
will, and that fat man never sprinkled rose petals on your bed, dangit—of course
you’re disenchanted.
Conversely, if you watch a nice horror flick together instead, presumably you’ll walk
away just feeling lucky your partner isn’t a psycho axe-murderer or possessed by
demons. (I’m going to go out on a limb and guess it was a man who pioneered this
research.)
3. SHE NEVER WINS A BEST-ACTRESS OSCAR.
If watching movies is bad, successfully starring in them is even worse. Women who
win this prestigious award are far more likely to divorce than those who don’t. They
actually call it the “Oscar curse.” One theory is that some men can’t handle their
wives’ success and fame; another camp believes that getting that little gold statue gives
women the confidence to leave already-bad marriages.
I’m not about to hypothesize about causation here; I only included this one because
unlike getting hotter or having your jaw wired shut or forsaking your favorite movie
genre for the rest of ever, not winning a best actress Oscar is pretty painless and doable.
Personally, I am going to make this a priority in my marriage.
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4. HE DOES MORE CHORES THAN SHE DOES, AND SHE
TALKS LESS THAN HE DOES.
Women are universally better about housework, so obviously the more often he mops/
sweeps/dusts, the more content she is. (See “happy wife, happy life,” in your dictionary).
And I have to admit, if you asked my husband the top three things I could do to
make him happier, “shut the hell up for five lousy minutes” would probably be on the
list. So there’s that.
5. HAPPY COUPLES FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES.
There are, after all, dozens of ways of looking at virtually any situation. Your husband
lost his job Now he finally has time to install that damn ceiling fan you bought three
years ago. When he gains a few pounds, instead of pointing out his growing gut or
suggesting he go for a run, there’s always this option: “Wow, honey, thanks for going
out of your way to make me relatively thinner.” If you really try, you can put a positive
spin on just about anything.
6. THEY LIMIT THEIR BOOZE CONSUMPTION.
Marital unhappiness seems to be directly related to a couple’s collective alcohol intake.
On the other hand, like I mentioned, my husband and I are almost ridiculously happy
so you probably shouldn’t believe everything you read.
7. HAPPY MATES DRIVE A CAR WHOSE WINDOWS DON’T ROLL DOWN.
I haven’t technically seen a study on this, but every couple I know fights about this
pretty much every single time they ride in a vehicle together: She wants the windows
up and he gets all pissed off and accuses her of being more concerned about her hair
than his precious need for fresh, outside air in his face; and then whoever is driving
locks the windows in their preferred position and they sit in stony silence for the rest
of the drive (and possibly several days afterward). I think I’m onto something here.
So there you have it.
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I suggest couples start slowly and don’t try to master all seven secrets at once. For
instance, if she takes a vow of silence or stops doing housework altogether in an effort
to tilt his portion of the ratio toward more, she’ll have a lot of extra time on her hands
which she may want to spend drinking alcohol or watching romantic comedies.
Remember, there’s no rush here. Till death do us part is a really long time.
*I may have butchered the language a bit in some cases but the facts are mostly accurate.
JENNA MCCARTHY
Jenna McCarthy is a TED speaker, former radio personality and the
author of several books including If It Was Easy They’d Call the Whole
Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living with and Loving the TV-Addicted,
Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married. (Please note that it says
the blah-blah-blah man you married, not the one she married. Her
husband likes it when she points that out). You can find out more about
Jenna and see her in the bathtub by visiting her website.
world www.jennamccarthy.com
twitter @jennamccarthy
17

3 THINGS I WISH I KNEW BEFORE I
GOT MARRIED
TYLER WARD
I used to think I had my stuff together. Then I got married.
Marriage is great—but it rocked everything I knew. I quickly realized my basic goal in
life, prior to getting married, was to simply remain undisturbed.
This “disruption” came suddenly and was disguised as a 5-foot-nothing Swedish-Filipino
woman. When I decided I’d rather not live without her, I proceeded to ask her to
marry me—that is, to officially invite someone who wasn’t me to be in my personal
space for the rest of my life.
This decision introduced my most significant experiences and most challenging experiences—none
of which I would trade for the world.
However, I wish I’d had a bit more insight on the front end of our marriage to help me
navigate it all.
According to most research, up to 50 percent of people who say “I do” will not be
sleeping in the same bed eight years from now. And though Scripture alludes to the
fact that adultery and abuse may be reasons individuals might end a marriage, I’d be
willing to bet that most challenges experienced in marriage are the result of
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3 things i wish i knew before we got married
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unawareness. Most people—myself included—jump into marriage with suitcases full
of misconceptions and bad theology, entirely unaware of the unique beauty and paradoxical
intentions of marriage.
The following are three thoughts on marriage that friends and mentors have shared
with me. I remind myself of them often in hopes of keeping this anomaly called marriage
both enjoyable and healthy.
1. MARRIAGE IS NOT ABOUT LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
Here’s the truth: I get annoyed at my wife. But this is more a reflection of me than her.
I’m intensely certain that nothing in life has ever made me more angry, frustrated or
annoyed than my wife. Inevitably, just when I think I’ve given all I can possibly give,
she somehow finds a way to ask for more.
The worst part of it all is that her demands aren’t unreasonable. One day she expects
me to stay emotionally engaged. The next, she’s looking for me to validate the way
that she feels. The list goes on—but never ventures far from things she perfectly well
deserves as a wife.
Unfortunately for her, deserving or not, her needs often compete with my self-focus. I
know it shouldn’t be this way, but I am selfish and stubborn and, overall, human.
I once read a book that alluded to the idea that marriage is the fire of life—that somehow
it’s designed to refine all our dysfunction and spur us into progressive wholeness.
In this light, contrary to popular opinion, the goal of marriage is not happiness. And
although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage
has a far more significant purpose in sight. It is designed to pull dysfunction to the
surface of our lives, set it on fire and help us grow.
When we’re willing to see it this way, then the points of friction in our marriages
quickly become gifts that consistently invite us into a more whole and fulfilling experience
of life.
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3 things i wish i knew before we got married
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2. THE MORE YOU GIVE TO MARRIAGE, THE MORE IT GIVES BACK.
Over the past year, a few friends and I have had an open conversation about the highs
and lows of marriage—specifically how to make the most of the high times and avoid
the low ones. Along the way, we happened upon a derailing hypothesis that goes
something like this:
If one makes their husband or wife priority number one, all other areas of life benefit.
It’s a disorienting claim. Disorienting, because it protests my deeper persuasion that
success as an entrepreneur, or any professional, requires that career takes the throne of
my priorities and remain there for, at the very least, a couple of years.
However, seeing that my recent pattern of caring about work over marriage had produced
little more than paying bills and a miserable wife, I figured giving the philosophy
a test drive couldn’t hurt.
For 31 days, I intentionally put my wife first over everything else, and then I tracked
how it worked. I created a metric for these purposes, to mark our relationship as
priority, and then my effectiveness in all other areas of my life on the same scale,
including career productivity and general quality of life.
To my surprise, a month later, I had a chart of data and a handful of ironic experiences
to prove that the more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.
Notably, on the days my wife genuinely felt valued, I observed her advocating for me
to invest deeply in to my work. She no longer saw our relationship and my career
pursuits as competitors for my attention, and as she partnered with me in my career, I
have experienced the benefits of having the closest person in my life champion me.
Of course, marriage requires sacrifice. And sometimes it will feel as if it takes and
takes. However, when we return marriage to its rightful place in our priorities, it can
quickly turn from something we have to maintain and sacrifice for into the greatest
asset to every other layer of our lives.
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3. MARRIAGE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD.
John Medina, the author of Brain Rules and a molecular biologist, is often approached
by men looking for the silver bullet of fathering. In one way or another, they all come
around to asking, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father”
Medina’s answer alludes to a surprising truth.
In my previously mentioned experiment, I measured the effect that making my marriage
priority number one had on different areas of my life. One of those areas was my
16-month-old son’s behavior.
What I found in simply charting my observations was that the majority of the time,
my child’s behavior was directly affected by the level of intention I invested in my
marriage.
Re-enter John Medina, the Christian biologist. After years of biological research and
several books on parenting conclusions, what is his answer to the question, “What’s
the most important thing I can do as a father”
“Go home and love your wife.”
Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, the authors of Babywise, say it this way: “A healthy
marriage creates an infused stability within the family and a haven of security for a
child in their development process.” They go on to sum up their years of research by
saying, “In the end, great marriages produce great parents.”
The point is that marriage has a higher goal than to make two people happy or even
whole. Yes, the investment we make into our marriage pays dividends for us. But,
concluded by Medina and his colleagues, the same investment also has significant
implications for our family, our community and eventually our culture.
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3 things i wish i knew before we got married
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So men, women, the next time you find yourself dreaming about living significantly
or succeeding in your career or being a better parent than yours were to you, do the
world a favor: Go home and love your wife. Go home and and love your husband.
*This article was originally published on RelevantMagazine.com & has been transposed
into a larger book, Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art of Loving
Another Person.
TYLER WARD
TYLER WARD’s articles on lifestyle, marriage, and religion—which have
been enjoyed by millions—have led him to recently release his first
book, Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art
of Loving Another Person.
Married with two kids, TYLER calls Nashville home. His day job involves
helping early stage businesses launch, grow, and communicate
online.
world
tylerwardis.com twitter @tylerwardis Buy Marriage Rebranded
22

WHO NEEDS HANDCUFFS
How to REALLY spice things up in the bedroom
GARY THOMAS
“Talk about world domination!”
My wife was in a busy season, so I purposefully planned an evening I knew she would
enjoy—dinner at a Jazz Club, followed by an evening of romance. I intentionally let
the sexual energy smolder throughout the day. Well before dinnertime, Lisa finally
suggested, “Why don’t we just get on with it, already” but I simply smiled at her and
thought, “Not a chance.”
On the way to the club, I filled up her gas tank because I know Lisa hates to fill up her
gas tank and she was going to be driving the next day. That may not sound so sexually
enticing, but it’s not up to us men to determine what constitutes foreplay. Trust me,
men—something like that can do wonders; it builds the mood. It makes your wife
think, “He’s taking care of me.” A spiritually healthy wife who feels taken care of is
supernaturally predisposed to take care of you.
The “dinner” (iceberg lettuce masquerading as a salad, poorly cooked chicken covered
with gravy, instant mashed potatoes) was a bit of a disaster given Lisa’s organic bent,
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Who Needs Handcuffs
24
but she loved the music and atmosphere. At one point, we were the only white people
in the club.
My small touches during the dinner were deliberate, but nothing scandalous. If
someone from our church had been sitting right behind us, they wouldn’t have even
noticed, but I’ve been married to Lisa for 29 years and pretty much know how, even
in public, I can slowly bring her to a boiling point with slight caresses that no one
watching could possibly take offense to or even notice. A simple touch in just the
right place, a slight moving of her hair can bring to mind past memories and a future
promise packed with impending pleasure.
When we got home, I knew what I was going to do, and I did it. It wasn’t anything
grand, just intentional and thoughtful, and it showed a little preparation. Within
minutes Lisa was lying back saying, “Talk about world domination!”
What she meant was “You have conquered me. Do what you will.”
The Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy has been discussed by more Christian bloggers than
could be counted, but my thoughts are a little simpler:
Men, if you need handcuffs and ropes to make your wife feel the enticement of full
surrender, you’re probably doing it wrong.
Try studying her, getting to know her moods and total body—not just three parts that
we typically focus on, but everything.
Try kindness, on a daily basis.
Try spiritual connection—make sure she knows she’s supported in prayer.
Try years of giving pleasure unselfishly so that she knows, once everything gets started,
she’s going to be carried away by your touches, not used by your demands.
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Try taking care of her kids, and taking care of her.
Try thinking about how you’re going to exceed her expectations.
If you study your wife and then apply all this, you’ll come to a place when you never
need handcuffs—what you’ve got is much stronger, more exciting and more fulfilling.
My wife’s take is that women would be less inclined to read about sex with an imaginary
billionaire if they were fully enjoying real sex with a thoughtful husband. She’s
not saying if your wife is reading Fifty Shades that you’re a poor lover—just that it
might be a symptom that things have started to slide in the bedroom.
“I don’t think most women want pain or the kind of sex described in those books,”
Lisa told me. “I just think they want something a little more creative than what
they’re getting.”
Beware of short-term cheap substitutes that are never as satisfying. A guy can’t get his
wife excited, so he looks at porn to watch some other guy get a woman excited.
A man can’t get his wife to the place of appropriate surrender, so he resorts to silly
things like handcuffs and ropes and not-so-silly things like pain to bring a little
“spice” into the bedroom.
I’m not into constructing lists of “do’s and don’ts.” I don’t want to marginalize something
that you and your wife have truly enjoyed, so please don’t take this the wrong
way. I’m just saying that long-term sexual satisfaction in marriage has to go well beyond
gimmicks. If you want to use a gimmick now and then, fine—it’s your marriage.
But if you think something like that is going to sustain you through the years, you’re
fooling yourself.
For long-term satisfaction, study your wife, not just a few parts of her body. Build
years of trust with kind touching and generous pleasuring. Let her know that if she
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26
lets herself go in your hands, you’ll make her momentarily forget everything bad going
on in her life and feel everything good. If you can’t get her excited in public, fully
clothed, if you need to get her “naked and handcuffed” to feel like things are getting
hot, you probably don’t know her well enough yet.
And guys, it’s perfectly holy and God-honoring to think about how to sexually please
and thrill your wife. It’s far better to fantasize about ways to take your wife to a new
place of pleasure than to spend one second fantasizing about any other woman.
GARY THOMAS
Gary Thomas’ writing and speaking focuses on bringing people closer to
Christ and closer to others. He holds a Master’s degree in Systematic
Theology from Regent College and an honorary Doctor of Divinity
from Western Seminary. As the author of over 15 books, including the
best-seller Sacred Marriage, Gary serves as writer in residence at Second
Baptist Church, Houston, and as an adjunct faculty member at Western
Seminary in Portland, Oregon. His most recent book is “The Sacred
Search: What If It’s Not About Who You Marry, but Why” Gary and his
wife Lisa have been married for 30 years and have three children.
world
garythomas.com
twitter @garyLthomas
26

LEARNING TO BE NAKED
WITHOUT FEAR
The first step towards true intimacy
CHRISTA BLACK
As my husband Lucas turned up the volume on our television that particular day in August
2007, his efforts to drown out the lawn mower next door did little to drown out the
worried thoughts screaming inside my head.
For years, I’d been a touring musician, traveling the world and playing with all sorts of
artists—the most recent being Christian music legend Michael W. Smith. In an attempt to
be a newlywed who wasn’t leaving on a tour bus every few days, we made the decision
that I’d quit traveling to enjoy this new marriage situation. But with neither of us bringing
in steady income, our choice also left us enjoying an old upstairs apartment with low ceilings,
a collection of donated furniture, bright pink carpet that reeked of cigarette smoke,
stacks of unpaid bills, and a kitchen stocked with packets of Ramen Noodles.
That day in August as I cuddled up to my fabulous—but very broke—new husband on our
second-hand couch, the strength of his arms around me wasn’t making the anxiety of our
present financial situation go away. Before I was even conscious of the downward spiral,
questions about our unknown future had poisoned my heart like a plague. I found myself
drowning inside very real, very crippling fear.
What if we can’t pay rent this month
What if our only car goes on the brink
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Learning to Be Naked Without Fear
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What if our cell phones get shut off
What if I don’t start touring again. Will we be able to eat this month
“Babe,” I said with an attempted smile, “I’m just going to run to the bathroom for a minute.”
I lifted his arm off of my shoulder and acted like I was headed back to the loo, then
made a quick detour into our little kitchen. I’ve had years of practice at sneaking food
to medicate the pain inside my heart. So it was with great expertise I quietly opened the
fridge and began my usual routine, devouring anything and everything I could find.
We didn’t have much in stock, but whatever we had, I was going to destroy as fast as I
could. Then I would return to his unsuspecting arms, acting as if nothing had ever happened.
When Lucas married me, he knew I had struggled with an eating disorder in the past. He
knew I’d been admitted to inpatient treatment with years of counseling under my belt.
He even knew that, when the pain of life became uncontrollable, sometimes food was the
one thing I still attempted to control. Every once in a blue moon, I’d finally let him in and
confess a bingeing episode, long after the binge was over with. But most times, I was far
too embarrassed about my food addiction to fully disclose all the ugly details.
So there I was, shoving an oversized bite of leftovers into my mouth—noodles still hanging
out and dripping down my chin—when I froze suddenly. Someone was behind me. Someone
was watching me. Someone was seeing my shame—was seeing the one thing that
made me completely unlovable, or so I believed. I turned around slowly, dreading the look
of disgust I was sure to see, the judgment, the fury of hatred—the same hatred I had for
myself.
But far from condemnation, this new husband of mine had something on his face I never
expected to see. He was grinning ear to ear.
Pulling himself up backwards onto the counter and popping open a bag of chips, he looked
into my eyes with the same love I’d seen on the day we made our vows to one another. He
looked at this bingeing wife with the same affection he had when he looked at his spotless
bride dressed in white.
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29
“Baby,” he said quietly. “If you need to binge, I’m going to binge with you.
I don’t want you do it alone anymore.”
Something powerful happened to us in that moment: two became one.
Marriage gives two people the difficult but incredible opportunity to be completely naked
in front of each other—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The problem is, most of us
have parts of our lives we’re terrified of anyone seeing. But if full exposure isn’t allowed, if
we’re not able to reveal everything about ourselves (good, bad and ugly) within the covenant
of marriage, true intimacy can never happen.
Intimacy means “in-to-me-see”—see everything, and love me anyway.
When I first got married to my husband, I truly believed certain parts of my life made
me unlovable. I believed that if he saw everything, he would hate me as much as I hated
myself. But marriage isn’t about perfect people finding a perfect mate. It’s about two imperfect
souls coming together as one, making a covenant to stick around when the ugly
parts get exposed, and then loving each other with grace and understanding while helping
each other walk into wholeness.
Just like Lucas did that day when he caught me bingeing.
You see, something healed inside my heart in August 2007 when I was forced to be naked
in front of my husband, exposing the shame of my addiction. Instead of being rejected, as
I had feared—instead of being yelled at, judged or condemned—he had done the exact opposite.
He looked at me inside of my dirty pigpen, sat down, kissed my shameful wounds,
and committed to walk beside me—no matter the outcome.
His love that day wasn’t laced with an agenda for me to change—but the amazing thing
about love is, it ends up changing everything anyway.
In the days and months that followed, our financial situation didn’t improve much. But
when the anxiety began to rise up like a monster, I had a new place to run—I could run
into the arms of love. When insecurities and fears would surface and expose even more
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30
ugly behaviors, I knew I had a man who had made a covenant to love me—all of me—no
matter how messy it got.
Within that covenant, I was finally safe to let my walls down and be seen.
As he saw, he loved.
As he loved, I changed.
As I changed, we were both set free.
For the rest of our lives, Lucas and I have the great privilege of subjecting ourselves to
vulnerability—even as all sorts of behaviors, fears, and insecurities are revealed. We’ve put
all our secrets on the table, knowing that intimacy can only happen when everything is
in the light. We’ve wrapped ourselves in the unending circle of a covenant, committing to
love the good along with the bad.
And now, the nakedness I once feared continues to expose my heart to the safe harbor of
healing love.
CHRISTA BLACK
Christa Black is a popular blogger, speaker, multi-platinum selling
songwriter, and author of God Loves Ugly.
She had her first number 1 hit as a songwriter when Passion’s version of
One Thing Remains topped the charts in both 2012 and 2013. She has
also toured as a musician with The Jonas Brothers, Michael W. Smith,
and Jordin Sparks, was a keynote speaker on Women of Faith’s Revolve
Tour, and her blogs have been featured on Best Of Huffington Post.
world www.christablack.com
twitter @christablack
30

MARRIAGE IS MADE FOR YOU
Why there is no one-size-fits-all approach to marriage.
WILLIAM PAUL YOUNG
Matrix – Urban Dictionary – “A computer-generated dream world built to keep us under control in
order to change a human-being into a battery.”
I confess I am one of those ‘religious folk’ who grew up reading the Scriptures more to
resolve my internal guilty-conscience than to learn or hear anything. For some of us, years
of absence from the legalism of ‘quiet time’ has allowed our give-a-damns time to heal
and awaken desires for exploration emerging from the inside. Interactions with voices
of intelligent kindness and compelling authenticity—outside our own experience and
traditions—blew fresh breath into the smoke of our confusion and disdain. They fanned
embers of careful curiosity into Cheshire-grin acknowledgement that we had missed
something ‘good.’
Turns out we are in a relationship with a God who by nature submits. And somewhere
near the center of God’s relentless affection for you and me is submission to the brokenness
in our hearts, souls, and minds. This is not a selfless submission on his part, but a
self-giving. His submission is respectful of both the wonder of this high-order creation
that is a human being, and of their capacity for self-deception and lie-enshrouded power
to devastate.
Ask any parent who has even a modicum of health about their love for their child and
you will be told that this love is unconditional, dependent on, and originating in the one
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32
loving. However, relationship—the mystery of how this love is expressed—is not unconditional,
nor would we ever want it to be.
When a person dies, while it may not affect your love for them, I guarantee it will affect
your relationship with them. By its very nature, a real relationship creates a space of
interaction in which knowing the ‘other’ and their choices, character, and circumstance
actually matters. Relationship, by its nature, means the other can say ‘no’, or believe a lie,
or be involved in accidents, or struggle with illness or addiction, or kiss you, or refuse to
talk, or hide secrets, or leave you a note or express kindness, or forgive, or put up and take
down walls.
But we human beings generally are a fearful lot, embedding our drive for certainty in
expressions of power rather than in the risk of trust and relationship. We create (dream
up) institutional systems and organizations of hierarchical power—be they religious, social,
ideological, political, educational, financial etc—in order to extend our desperate need to
control.
Sadly, as these systems evolve, they often use human beings as batteries. We created the
Matrix and without the empowering presence of human beings, any Matrix has less life
than a rock. Even with the best of intentions, the Matrix is still the Matrix. We have populated
the entire planet with them—including the Sabbath.
One day, a group of Matrix guardians arranged a little meeting with Jesus, ostensibly to air
specific grievances they were having with the motley crew of undisciplined and uneducated
disciples following Jesus. Seems this rag-tag gang of malcontents weren’t very good at
keeping the rules that had long been part of the Sabbath Matrix.
The religious systems forming around Sacred Scriptures had effectively reduced the Word
of God to a set of defensible propositions—in this particular instance revolving around
the very holy subject of the day of God’s rest. The Sabbath Matrix had been developed over
centuries and had become increasingly complex—complete with roles, expectations and
duties, and provided a significant element of job-security for the experts.
Keep in mind that Jesus is God comfortable inside his own skin. And Jesus cares as much
for these ‘protectors of the Holy’ as he does for all those who have been turned into batteries.
So, with a twinkle in his eye, and in one sentence, he dismantles the entire cosmos as
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33
we have known it and reveals that the matrix’s we have built are fundamentally a lie.
“The Human Being was not made for (to serve) the Sabbath, the Sabbath was made for (to
serve) the Human Being!”
Did you see it, or did you only feel it Everything changed in this moment.
The Human Being was not made for (to serve) the Matrix; any Matrix is made for (to serve)
the Human Being.
The Human Being was not made for (to serve the Matrix of…) Marriage, Marriage was
made for (to serve) the Human Being.
There are many who try to hand us a one-size-fits all approach to this very unique relationship
with a spouse. After all, we are well adept at creating matrixs—and the rules of
engagement for each.
However.
Marriage—as a matrix—exists to serve you and your spouse. And for it to serve you well,
it’s best practices and proposed mindsets must be authentic expressions of who you uniquely
are—and they must change as you change.
WILLIAM PAUL YOUNG
William Paul Young is the author of “The Shack.” Selling over 18 million
copies, this first project of his has led him to writing “Crossroads.”
world wmpaulyoung.com
Buy Crossroads
33

FOREVER, A DAY AT A TIME
The trick to building a sustainable marriage.
CHANCE SCOGGINS
Apart from my parents, no one in my life has demonstrated to me the best of what love
and marriage can be more than our friends, Mike and Nancy. In a hundred ways, they’ve
given Jennifer and me something to reach for. So I took it seriously when Mike sat me
down one night and said,
“Chance, you’re changing and you’re about to screw up the best thing that’s ever happened
to you.”
Jennifer and I were dating. I had my eyes on a ring and was dreaming of how I might ask
her to marry me. But I also happened to have several friends at the time who were not
only divorcing—they were ripping each other to shreds in the process. These were people
I knew well and loved deeply. I’d even stood in a couple of their weddings. I thought their
marriages would last forever; we all did. But now they were making an enemy of the one
they promised to love most.
It was hard to watch, and it took a big toll on me.
As a result, I began pulling away from Jennifer – guarding my heart, putting up a barrier
between us, trying to protect myself and living out of a fear born of someone else’s mistakes.
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35
Mike knew me well enough he could tell what was going on. One day, he grabbed me by
the shoe that was propped over one of my legs as he passed my chair, smiled and said,
“Those are some cold feet you’ve got there. What’s going on with you Tell me what you’re afraid of.”
I knew I was about to get some answers, so I was honest with him. I unloaded all of my
doubts and at the end, I asked him, “How can I be sure we’ll last forever”
His response surprised me.
He said, “You can’t. You can only be sure it’s going to last forever... a day at a time. You
make it to forever, bit by bit.”
I’ll admit. It was a good answer—but not good enough. “Okay, but how can I trust that
who she is today is who she’ll be down the road How do I know she won’t destroy my
heart someday…or that I won’t destroy hers”
“That’s the wrong question, Chance. That question will keep you from ever fully trusting
or committing, in or out of marriage. You should be asking, can I trust her heart today
Can she trust mine today Then, do what it takes to be able to answer yes. You ask today,
and again tomorrow and the day after that… That’s how you get to forever.”
All of that seemed good and true, but it still wasn’t enough for me. I desperately wanted
some sort of guarantee I couldn’t get.
The next words out of Mike’s mouth have become a compass for me. They’re simple, so
don’t miss the gift they carry. He said,
“Chance, you want a guarantee I’ll guarantee you this. 100% of the time that marriages
get in trouble, it starts with people saying to themselves: ‘My needs aren’t being met. She’s
overlooking me. He’s not doing enough. I deserve better.’ Once you start looking at things
in terms of what you are or aren’t getting, you’re on a dangerous road.”
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36
Even considering the words as I write them makes my heart beat a little faster. Something
in me wants to argue the point, and something else tells me it’s true.
“You wanna know why Nancy and I have something few people have” he asked.
“Here’s our secret. Every day I wake up and I ask myself, ‘How can I serve her today What
does she need What can I do to make her life better’ Something always comes to mind,
and I do it.”
“That can’t be true, Mike” I argued. “You don’t actually do that every day, do you Wouldn’t
that just make you a servant or a door mat”
“I absolutely do. And you’re right, it could make me a doormat…if I were the only one asking
the question. But the thing is, she does the same thing. She wakes up and asks herself,
‘How can I serve him today What does he need What can I do to make his life better’
Something comes to mind and she does it.”
“Everyday”
“Every single day, for more than 30 amazing years with the love of my life. Both of us are
adored and our needs are being met, but neither of us is focused on getting what we want
or deserve. There’s no need to fight for it if someone else is fighting the battle for you. And
neither of us keeps a list of all the ways the other has dropped the ball. As long as you’re
focused on what you’re owed, you’re not focused enough on what you’re there to give.”
It took me a few days to get beyond the surface of his words, but as I did, my trust in Jennifer
grew. My trust in myself grew. And maybe for the first time, I began to understand
the difference between a good marriage and a great one.
I wish I could say that I get this right all the time.
The truth is I still consider it a good day when I put Jennifer’s needs ahead of my own. I
privately pat myself on the back for being so thoughtful. I have so far to go. But I won’t
stop working on it.
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37
She’s worth it. We’re worth it.
Married, single, among friends or with our families, what if we let each other off the hook
and started fresh—this time considering each other as more important than ourselves
What if each of us woke up tomorrow asking what we could do for those we love the
most What if we fought to see each others’ needs met instead of our own What would
life look like if we abandoned the thought that we are owed something or deserve something
better What if we made it our mission to make something better of the beautiful
thing we have
Those are some of the questions that create our happily ever after. Those are the questions
that get us to forever… one day at a time.
CHANCE SCOGGINS
Chance Scoggins writes and speaks about living a brave, authentic,
intentional life. His vulnerable storytelling, encouraging heart and
unique insight into our common hopes and fears have earned him over
2 million readers and are quickly making him a sought-after speaker in
both community and corporate settings alike.
world
chancescoggins.com
twitter @chancescoggins
37

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO
The Secret to Having a Marriage that Never Goes Stale
JEFF GOINS
After a recent life-changing trip to Italy, I called my best friend to—well, let’s just be
honest, I called to brag. We had traveled together during college, and I wanted to relive
some of those memories with him, while sharing my latest experiences in Europe.
After finishing telling him about the trip, he said the saddest thing I had heard in a
long time.
“That sounds awesome,” he sighed. “I’d love to do something like that... in ten years.”
“What!” I said. “Ten *years* Dude, are you kidding me”
He went on to say a trip like that just wasn’t realistic. Not for him. Not now. It wasn’t
financially feasible and not something he and his wife had time for. What’s more, they
were expecting their second child and were spending most of their energy preparing
for that transition. I asked him when was the last time they had gone a vacation, just
the two of them.
“Oh, I dunno... probably a few years.”
“A few years!”
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39
I had had enough.
“Do you remember what you told me right before I got married”
Months before I got married, my friend gave me some important advice, something he
had heard from a premarital counselor, I think. They were seven sage words that I will
never forget—the secret, I’ve found, to a happy marriage:
Always have something to look forward to.
That’s it. That’s the secret. It sounds so simple and yet it can be the hardest part of a
lifelong commitment.
Here are two reasons why it works.
First, it breaks the monotony.
Marriage begins with excitement, but as with any emotional high, it has its boring moments.
Times when you wake up next to the love of your life and the morning breath
gets the best of you. You may have vowed to experience the adventure of life together,
but don’t be surprised when your story has a little taste of the mundane. That’s called
life. However, this commitment can easily turn into begrudged obligation if you don’t
have something disrupt the ordinary ongoings of matrimony.
Second, it gives you and your spouse a common goal.
When you have something that requires both of you to plan, you remember this is a
partnership—something you agreed to do together. And when you might otherwise
be distracted by your own weekly activities and forget to spend quality time together,
this shared project can unite you. It’s something to talk about over dinner, something
to text each other about in the middle of the day. A common goal, something to anticipate,
can bring you together in ways that the daily grind won’t.
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something to look forward to
40
So what should you look forward to
It could be anything, really: a vacation, home improvement project, even an upcoming
move. As long as it’s something you both enjoy doing, it qualifies and should do the
trick of breaking up the monotony and bringing you two together.
That’s why I had to remind my friend of the best advice he’d given me, advice I had
taken to heart since marrying my wife six years before. And it has saved my marriage a
few times. A few months afterwards, not altogether surprisingly, my friend called me.
He wanted to tell me about a recent trip he and his wife took to an all-inclusive resort
in the Dominican Republic.
“Man, thanks for talking me into that. I’ve never seen my wife so relaxed. It was just
what we needed before starting a new job and having baby number two.”
My friend thanked me, but really I needed to thank him.
We all need little things to look forward to in life—small interruptions to our normal
flow. Not because we have to escape from our lives, but so we can appreciate them.
Because without the gift of looking forward, even the most wonderful relationships
can grow stale.
JEFF GOINS
Jeff Goins is the author of several books, a speaker, creative coach, and
consultant and has written and guest-blogged for over 100 magazines,
publications, and blogs.
world www.goinswriter.com
twitter @jeffgoins
40

NEVER STOP EXPLORING
You Will Never Fully Know Your Spouse
JONATHAN JACKSON
Every human is created in the image of God. We see throughout Scripture how the
mystery of God is within each one of us—and yet sometimes we get stuck in the rut of
thinking we can fully know someone, fully understand them, within just a few months or
years.
Sometimes we get stuck in a “destination” mentality—both in life and in marriage.
Over the centuries, and particularly after the Great Schism in 1054, Western Christianity
became more and more scholastic in nature, which is to say it became focused on literacy
and education. This included, of course, embracing a systematic theology and rationalism
and slowly developing away from what many call ‘the mystery of faith.’
The Orthodox Church maintained this element of faith—the mysterious part—known as
Apophatic theology. This essentially includes an understanding that man cannot ever fully
know God—especially not through rationalism or abstract study alone. But by humbly
professing what we cannot know about God, we place our human hearts in an atmosphere
capable of encountering God experientially, as opposed to intellectually or theoretically.
In essence, this theology says man and woman will spend eternity growing closer to God,
but never exhausting the mystery.
So what does this belief have to do with marriage Plenty.
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42
First of all, Orthodox thought supports the idea that the fullness of another person’s identity
is a secret between them and God. This means that no matter how close I get to someone—I
will still only ‘see through a glass, darkly’ [1 Corinthians 13:12 kjv]. In the book
of Revelation we read that Christ will give each person a white stone with a secret name
written on it, which only the recipient and God can know.
This reveals the intimacy each person possesses with God. It is an intimacy that someone
on the outside can only partially know. It also reveals how difficult it would be—if not
impossible—to fully know someone else.
When it comes to marriage, we often think we should “know” our spouse when we get
married.
But who truly knows the heart of a man This is not a journey we can take in a single day.
Secondly, this theology acts as a reminder that, in order for marriage to truly reflect the
kingdom of heaven, it must be infused with mystery. Salvation, in Orthodox theology, is a
similiar kind of mystery. It is an ongoing participation in the divine nature.
We do not arrive—we continue.
Even if you don’t subscribe to the Orthodox faith, you can see this sense of faith as continuous
growth in the concept of sanctification—in the sense that we are continuously
invited to grow deeper and deeper with God. In the same way, becoming one in marriage
is an ongoing journey marked by one of the strongest ingredients of an eternal romance—
mystery.”
This plays out in my marriage in a few practical ways.
Mostly, it keeps romance alive and my pride in check.
When I begin to think I’ve got her pegged and I can predict her answers or thought process,
I step back and remember the mystery of this woman. Her life is hidden in Christ
and even though we are becoming one, there is an inexhaustible mystery to her being.
Also, people are constantly changing and growing.
Rather than fearing this, the Orthodox Church teaches us to embrace growth and transfor-
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43
mation. This helps me embrace the mystery of myself as well. Only God fully knows me.
Repentance means I am letting go of my illusions about myself—and embracing the image
and likeness of Christ within me. It helps me receive grace for myself, which in turn helps
me give grace to my beautiful wife.
I hope this makes marriage sound inexhaustibly exciting. I hope it makes it sound like a
long, beautiful process of learning each other, becoming one, and cultivating true love. I
hope it helps you keep any stagnation or monotony from creeping into your marriage.
Whether we’re four years in or twenty, or haven’t started yet at all, let’s remind ourselves:
love is not a place we arrive. Marriage is not a thing we achieve and then spend the rest of
our lives maintaining. Love is a journey marked by mystery and the continual intention to
learn one another.
And if you ask me, that’s what makes it such an adventure.
*This is an excerpt from an interview featured in Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions
& the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person.
JONATHAN JACKSON
Jonathan Jackson is a five-time Emmy Award winning actor who can
currently be seen on the ABC primetime drama ‘Nashville’.
Jonathan plays Avery Barkley, an up and coming singer-songwriter
trying to make it in Music City. Along with acting, since 2004 Jonathan
has also been the lead singer, guitar player, and songwriter for the rock
band Jonathan Jackson + Enation, which CDBaby calls ‘One of indie’s
premier rock bands’.
world
jonathanjackson.com
twitter
@JonathanJackson
43

DON’T BUY STUFF YOU DON’T NEED
How Living With Less Made Our Marriage More
JOSHUA BECKER
Six years ago, we decided to embrace minimalist living.
At first, the reasons were simple: we were spending too much time caring for possessions
and we were wasting too much money on stuff we didn’t need. These possessions were not
bringing joy or lasting happiness. Even worse, they were keeping us from the very things
that did.
But what we didn’t realize at the time was that this decision would drastically alter our
marriage.
Possessions had become the Great Distraction in our lives. And the simplest way to
recenter ourselves on the things that mattered most was to remove the excess from our
home and lives.
We embarked upon a journey to sell, donate, recycle, and remove as many of our
nonessential possessions as possible. It was one of the most life-giving decisions we
have ever made—the benefits have been practical and soul-enriching. And we would
recommend it to anyone.
Owning fewer possessions means less cleaning, less organizing, less repairing, and less
financial burden. It brings freedom, clarity, and opportunity. Intentionally owning less
frees time, energy, and space—resources that could be spent pursuing our greatest
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passions.
Our lives and marriages require space to be lived and experienced to the fullest. But in
a world of ever-increasing speed, time for reflection and investment in the things that
matter becomes more and more difficult to discover. Our world is built on consumerist
pursuits—and rejecting those tendencies requires great intentionality from each of us.
Hans Hofmann, the legendary painter once said it like this,
“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.”
Often times, our marriages follow the same unfortunate trajectory. At first, when we have
nothing but each other, we focus intently on the important essential building blocks of a
healthy marriage. But as our relationship continues forward, less important things begin
to accumulate and distract us from the very keys to a successful marriage—many of which
have been clearly articulated in this book.
As a result, we start to worry more about the appraisal value of our home than the value
of our relationship. We check the health of our retirement account far more often than the
health of our marriage. We spend more time taking care of the car in our garage than the
other person in our bedroom. And the maintenance of our physical possessions dominates
our evenings and weekends, when the maintenance of our relationship should be taking
precedent.
Nonessential possessions begin to accumulate and demand our money, energy, and
precious time. As a result, we have little left over for the very elements that make our
marriages work.
Those who experience a fulfilled marriage from beginning to end intentionally limit
selfish distractions and accumulation. They realize a nice home, fast car, or bloated
retirement account may appear nice to have, but in the end, do not make a successful
marriage. And if not kept in proper perspective, they actually begin to distract us from it.
If interested in limiting the burden of excessive possessions in your family, you may
consider these seven intentional, countercultural decisions:
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1) CHOOSE A HOME BASED ON NEED, NOT OPPORTUNITY.
Sit down and determine what specific requirements your home will need to meet: size,
location, length of stay, sometimes occupation. When you begin house-hunting, focus on
them solely. Do not choose a home based on a pre-approved loan amount or even income.
Choose based on personal need instead.
2) NEVER CARRY A CAR PAYMENT.
Almost every person I know who is falling behind in their finances carries a car loan
and payment. Don’t do it—ever. Buy the most reliable car you can afford with your cash
savings and immediately begin setting aside money for your next one. And even if you can
afford a luxury car, remember you can do more good by simply buying a reliable one.
3) PURCHASE TECHNOLOGY BASED ON THE PROBLEM IT SOLVES.
Technology advances at a dizzying pace. Keeping up can become an all-consuming,
savings-draining pursuit. To counter its allure, remember the purpose of technology is to
make our lives easier by solving problems. Before purchasing any new technology billed as
the latest and greatest, ask yourself this question: “What existing problem does it solve” If
a new technology is not solving an existing problem, it is only adding to them.
4) LIVE ON ONE INCOME—EVEN IF YOU EARN TWO.
One of the most valuable pieces of financial advice we ever received came early in our
marriage when both my wife and I were working. Our pastor encouraged us to live
entirely on my income and save every penny my wife earned. We did just that. Her
earnings became our first down payment on a home. But more importantly, it prevented
lifestyle creep from setting in. And when our first child was born, becoming a one-income
family was an easy transition.
5) PUT THE SPENDER IN CHARGE OF FAMILY FINANCES.
While this may or may not suit your family’s unique dynamics, it has been entirely helpful
for ours. I hold a Bachelor’s Degree in Banking and Finance. My first job out of college
was Accounting. I understand budgets, spreadsheets, assets, and liabilities. But my wife is
a bigger spender than me. And one of the most helpful actions we took as a family was
to put her entirely in charge of the family finances. Because our bank account levels were
always small, she became far more careful with her purchases—and worked really hard to
keep me in line too.
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6) USE ENTERTAINMENT FOR REST, NOT ESCAPE.
Entertainment moves our emotion, occupies our heart, and exercises our mind—or at
least, it should. Choose to invest your entertainment dollars in places that will improve
your life. There is nothing wrong with enjoying entertainment. It serves an important
purpose. Rest is an essential characteristic of our lives. However, entertainment can
quickly become a personal and financial burden if we use it as a means to routinely escape
our own reality rather than deal with it in a healthy way.
7) GIVE AWAY (AT LEAST) 10%.
There are numerous religious traditions that teach the importance of giving away 10%.
Personally, it is a financial philosophy we have put into practice during times of both little
and plenty. The gifts benefit the receiver. But more than that, the gifts benefit the giver.
It brings fulfillment and joy and meaning to our lives. But maybe the greatest benefit of
generosity is the realization that we already have enough.
We should be careful to not add extra burden to our marriages by chasing and
accumulating material possessions. Our money is only as valuable as what we choose to
spend it on. And so are our lives.
JOSHUA BECKER
Joshua Becker blogs at Becoming Minimalist where he inspires
others to find more life by owning less. He is also the bestselling
author of Clutterfree with Kids.
world Becoming Minimalist Buy Clutterfree with Kids
47

GO WITH THE FLOW
CARLOS WHITTAKER
I know I am only supposed to give one piece of advice. But I can’t. And I know
most people give lists of 10. But I can’t go with the flow so I have 11.
You see. If there is anything that I have learned in my 15 years of marriage, it is that
nothing stays the same forever. You may have a spouse that feels loved and filled
by gifts for the first five years of your marriage, and then suddenly, in year six... all
they want to do is snuggle.
Go with the flow.
And with that little piece of advice, I give you 11 more nuggets.
1. Kiss often. Kiss in front of your kids. And if you don’t have any kids yet…you soon
will if you kiss often enough.
2. After you make massive mistakes, let them cuss and throw things at you without
an ounce of defense. Then you will know that sticks and stones will break your
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bones and words will also kick your butt. Then, take those sticks and stones and
hold them for a while, letting it sink in that you are not perfect and that you can
cause pain.
Become better with each fight.
3. You won’t always feel it. You won’t always choose it.
But fortunately you can rest in it. Say I love you everyday.
4. When you get home from work or play or just being away…spend the first 10
minutes you are at home within five feet of your spouse. If they get weirded out that
you are so close to them, you probably need to up it to 10 minutes.
5. French Kiss. Remember that And do it right. Don’t go for the jugular in the first
30 seconds. Take it real slow. Enjoy every minute.
6. Your baby will be just fine without you. Take a night away while that kid’s a baby.
The hubs needs it. The wife needs it. The baby honestly needs it.
7. When your heart skips a beat because that fine, sexy, flirty other man/woman
looks your way a second longer than normal, brag to your spouse that you still have
it. Then tell them the truth that you liked it. Then tell them again that you liked it.
Now there will be two antennas up instead of just one. That is a time-bomb waiting
to go off.
8. Cleavage shots via SMS and packed lunches make all the other cleavage at the
office disappear. And if you are a dude and can pull this off… P90X
9. 15 minutes of no TV, no kids, no anything but each other each day. You will look
forward to those 15 minutes all day long.
10. Fight Hard. Fight Fast. Fight Well.
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11. Leave the laptop and phone in the car. Your social network’s arms won’t feel
nearly as good as the hugs you get from your family.
This has worked for us.
It will work for you.
God Bless…
CARLOS WHITTAKER
Carlos Whitaker is married to his wife Heather and they have 3 children.
In November 2006 Carlos and his wife Heather adopted their son
Losiah from Seoul Korea.
Carlos lives for this…
To ignite a movement among all generations of Christians that disturbs
and disrupts the evangelical church into a place of seeing Christ’s face
fresh again.
world
ragamuffinsoul.com
twitter
@loswhit
50

SECRETS DON’T MAKE MARRIAGES
How to cultivate emotional intimacy
LORI & BARRY BYRNE
When it comes to honesty in marriage, we often get the same general list of questions.
Do you have to talk about everything
Is keeping secrets from your spouse ever okay
Are secrets always unhelpful to becoming one
The issue of secrets in marriage is one of the more divided conversations among marriage
counselors and pastors today. One camp finds it acceptable, depending on the circumstance
and emotional framework of the partners. Others find the very thought of secret-keeping
appalling. And yet whenever we are asked these questions, we always encourage couples to
ask themselves a question.
Are you willing to take the risk to speak the truth in love to each other in order to know
and be known
Knowing and being known is not only fundamental to all of humanity, but it’s the most
basic foundation of real, intimate relationship. And healthy intimacy exists between two
people who both know and are known by each other in a deep, personal way. And then
they respect and honor that priceless gift given to them by their spouse.
Accomplishing this kind of intimacy is, of course, not easy. It is a commitment you make
and continue to make on a daily basis. This kind of intimacy must be become a lifestyle -
not an isolated event.
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But from the time we’ve spent cultivating intimacy in our own marriage—and our time
working with other couples—we would emphasize there are a few things successful
couples do well.
1. THEY MAKE THE CHOICE TO LIVE WITH NOTHING HIDDEN.
Leanne Payne wrote, ‘The unconfessed is the unhealed.’
You cannot keep secrets compartmentalized inside your heart, away from life and relationships.
They will pollute even those things that are true and right and beautiful, staining
them with their own darkness, until one can no longer distinguish between the ‘real’ and
the ‘presented.’ We cannot choose to live in deception and be led by the Spirit of Truth at
the same time.
Sadly, we—and our marriages—will continue to be as distant and lonely as the secrets we
keep.
Too many of us have gone too long hiding our true selves from our spouse; it may take us
days—maybe weeks—to show them who we really are. It may take even longer to build
trust and intimacy. If this is your current situation, don’t be discouraged - here is a good
place to start.
We challenge you to ask Holy Spirit this, “ What have I kept hidden from my spouse that I
need to tell them”
Are you willing to let go of your secrets to have intimacy with the one you love
George MacDonald says, “Few delights can equal the mere presence of the one whom we
trust utterly.” You cannot trust your spouse utterly when secrets exist between you.
Are you willing to trust being truthful in love more than anything that you fear or desire
2. BE QUICK TO RECONCILE AND FORGIVE.
Even while trying our best to love in our marriage, we will hurt each other. We have developed
some simple but very effective tools to reconcile hearts wounded in relationship.
This reconciliation goes beyond acknowledging wrong and asking for forgiveness. In order
to reconcile we must allow ourselves to feel the pain that we have put our spouse through
and then put that pain into words that they can identify with.
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If we refuse to forgive our spouse, we have placed an impenetrable barrier to intimacy in
our marriage. We don’t forgive because the other person deserves it; we forgive because
Jesus forgave us and he tells us to forgive. Many people invite torment into their lives and
marriage because they refuse to forgive. (Matt 18:34-35) Thorough forgiveness goes beyond
forgiving the offending behavior and requires forgiveness for all the painful effects resulting
from the other person’s behavior.
3. DON’T FORGET TO LOVE YOURSELF.
If you don’t like the gift you’re giving, you’re not going to give it freely.
Another step in cultivating intimacy is learning to love yourself. Sometime the idea of loving
ourselves becomes confused with self-indulgence and following our feelings. Rather,
we learn to love ourselves by living in such a way that we will feel good about ourselves
before God.
The truth is that if we feel guilt about something we’re doing or shame in who we are, we
won’t ever get vulnerable with anyone. When we keep shame and guilt hidden, the enemy
speaks lies to us about our identity. But when we love ourselves by accepting the truth of
who Jesus says we are, living openly and intimately with others can become an ongoing
lifestyle!
*This is an excerpt from an interview in Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions &
the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person.
LORI & BARRY BYRNE
Barry has been a marriage and family therapist for over 30 years as
well as a devoted student of God’s word. He has ministered at Bethel
Church in the Transformation Center both as a teacher, and supervisor
to the counselors. His wisdom, experience and anointing in the area of
Spirit-led inner healing are powerfully matched with the Father’s heart
of love.
Lori is a fourth generation Pastor with a strong gift of discernment and
the prophetic. Having counseled people for years within the church,
she draws from a vast wealth of wisdom and experience in connecting
and building intimate relationships in the Body of Christ.
world
Love After Marriage
53

PRACTICE MAKES PASSION POSSIBLE
3 ways to build your dream marriage
DUSTIN RIECHMANN
When you first fall in love, happiness comes easy and it seems so effortless to be a good
partner. Your jokes are funny, your thoughts and actions are romantic, and your time
together is pretty much all rainbows and butterflies. It turns out that there’s a good reason
for this—a scientific one at that. Your first few months or even years together are shrouded
in a chemical cloud of infatuation.
You’re literally high on each other and the lovin’ comes easy.
So what happens a few years down the road after you’ve decided to get married and settle
down together Well, the chemical boost fades and you’re left with the choice to love your
spouse.
This is the part of marriage that sometimes freaks a couple out.
You may start to have doubts about whether you’re still “in love” with your husband or
wife. You may look at him or her and wonder when things got so… soft. You may ask
yourself where the passion has gone. Trust me, the love is still there, but you can’t rely on
chemistry to make it work on autopilot.
It’s time for you to step up and practice having the marriage you desire.
Like learning to play the guitar or run a marathon, an awesome marriage is the result of
practice. You can have a mediocre relationship without a lot of effort, but the dream mar-
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riage you envisioned during your engagement is going to require some good old fashioned
hard work.
So, what sort of things do you need to learn and refine to enjoy a thriving marriage
Based on our own experience and the wisdom gained from working with dozens of other
couples, here are three simple steps I’d recommend practicing to keep the passion alive.
1. TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE.
As your relationship matures, and especially when children enter the picture, it’s frighteningly
easy to lose your connection as a couple. Your roles as a parent, caregiver, breadwinner,
housekeeper, etc. can be so overwhelming that you never give the time or energy
needed to be a great spouse.
I recommend every couple spend at least 15 minutes each day simply being a couple. This
is sacred time to enjoy each other and put aside those other roles for a while.
Sit, talk, laugh and be together—simple as that.
2. NEVER STOP DATING.
Do you remember when you were dating When you’re dating, you don’t need “date
nights” because every time you get together it’s all about getting to know each other better
and building your relationship.
That’s not the case when you’ve been married for a while. You’re together all the time,
which makes it exceedingly easy to get complacent and fail to feed the romantic side of
your relationship.
Be sure to schedule a date night every week or two to spend some special time together
and rekindle the intimacy between you. While it’s great to get out of the house for a big
night out, this can be as simple as a lunch date or an evening at home together after the
kids are in bed.
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3. TREAT MARRIAGE LIKE AN INVESTMENT PORTFOLIO.
It’s funny how easy is it to justify spending money on new gadgets, improvements to your
home or even lessons to learn a new skill. Yet, when it comes to the most important relationship
in your life, many of us shy away from trying to better ourselves.
I can’t recommend enough that you spend some time and money making yourself a better husband
or wife. Pick up a course on communication, read a good book and don’t be too proud to
sign up for a marriage retreat where you can get away and focus on each other deeply.
When you consider that you’ve devoted the rest of your life to your spouse and you spend
everyday together, it’s easy to see that there’s no better return on your investment than in
learning the skills you need to be as happy as possible together.
Do yourself a favor and make a commitment today to make your marriage your highest priority
(right after God). Devote quality time each day to your spouse, bless your marriage with regular
date nights, and do everything you can to be the best husband or wife you can be.
Building your dream marriage isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely worth it.
DUSTIN RIECHMANN
Dustin Riechmann is the author of 15 Minute Marriage Makeover
and creator of Engaged Marriage, a site devoted to helping other
married couples live a life they love (especially) when they feel too busy
to make it happen. Dustin’s passion is providing practical tools that you
can use to keep your marriage fresh and fully “engaged” even when life
gets hectic. He’s been married for over 13 years to his best friend Bethany,
and is a proud Dad to three very energetic kids under the age of
nine.You deserve your dream marriage, and it’s Dustin’s mission to help
you make it happen.
world
Engaged Marriage
twitter
@engagedmarriage
56

THE PROMISE YOU CAN’T KEEP
IN MARRIAGE
Why happiness is the result, not the reason for a good marriage.
JOHN MARK COMER
Friendship.
Support.
Sexuality.
Family.
Recreation.
That’s why you get married. That’s why God created marriage. Here’s the problem—
that’s not why most people get married.
At least, that’s not why I got married. I got married to be happy.
Don’t get me wrong. I was into all that other stuff. She was my closest friend. There
was a calling on our life together that we were excited about. Sex ... uh ... yes. And we
both wanted a family one day. But none of those reasons were the reason.
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Like millions upon millions of other Americans, I married for happiness.
That sounds innocuous at first glance. Heck, it sounds romantic. But the trouble is that
happiness is the result of a healthy marriage. It’s not the reason for marriage. Happiness
is a great thing, but it’s the by-product, the afterclap of marriage. It’s not the
point.
God doesn’t look down on Adam and say, “He looks sad. He needs a lift. He needs another
human being to quench the thirst of his soul. I will make him a helper to satisfy
his deepest longings. Eve, the pressure’s on.” Of course not. Only God can do that.
A spouse is not a substitute for God.
The point of marriage isn’t to find our missing half. It’s to help each other become
all God intended. Our future, real selves. In marriage, two people partner to that end.
They see the best in each other—the person God created them to be—and they push
and pull each other toward that goal.
Don’t get married because you think he or she is “the one.” Trust me, they’re not.
There’s no such thing! But do get married when you see who God is making somebody
to be, and it lights you up. When you want to be a part of that story of transformation,
that journey to the future. When you are well aware it will be a long and bumpy ride,
but you don’t want to miss one mile.
Because you believe in God’s calling on them, and you want in.
My wife makes me a better person. She calls out the best in me. She calls me to live
up to who I really am, to who God is making me to be.
She also brings out the worst in me. What Paul calls “the flesh.” The ugly, nasty part of
me that doesn’t want to change. She exposes my selfishness and my pride.
That’s why marriage is humbling. I thought I was a pretty decent guy—and then I got
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59
married. Turns out I’m kind of a toolshed. It’s easy to be a decent guy when you live in
a bubble. But when you step into marriage, your true colors bleed out. It’s like squeezing
a sponge. Whatever is on the inside comes out, for better or for worse.
I cringe when I’m at a wedding where the guy says, “I promise to make you happy.” I
want to stand up and scream, “You can’t keep that promise! It’s impossible! You aren’t
God!”
Is it any wonder that the number-one justification for divorce is “I deserve to be happy”
If you put your faith in your spouse to make you happy, it’s only a matter of time
before they let you down.
Our whole mindset on happiness is deeply flawed. “I deserve to be happy.” Really I’m
not sure that’s right.
All of life is a gift from the Creator God. We think we have the right to “life, liberty,
and the pursuit of happiness,” but contrary to what the American propaganda machine
says, happiness is not a right. It’s a gift. God doesn’t owe you anything. And
neither does your spouse. It’s all a gift.
You have to get this before you get married. Sadly, I didn’t, and it caused me so much
pain. Not to mention how it hurt my wife.
If you go into marriage searching for happiness, all you will do is walk out filled with
disillusionment. Don’t get me wrong. Marriage is incredible! But it’s not heaven on
earth. It’s two broken people coming together to follow God’s calling on their lives.
Let marriage be marriage, and let God be God. Let marriage be for friendship and support
and sex and family and re-creation. And let God be the well for your soul. Your
source of life.
This doesn’t mean you won’t be happy in marriage. I am. Most of the best memories of
my life have my wife attached to them. Our honeymoon in Europe, moving to Port-
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60
land, starting a church, the birth of our first child, that vacation in Kauai—we did all
of that together. And it was fun. If I were to edit her out of my story, it would be flat,
anemic and boring.
Here’s what I’ve learned over the last few years. God is the source of my life, not my
wife. She’s an amazing gift that I don’t deserve, but she’s not Jesus. It took me a long
time to get this. And to be honest, I’m still pounding away on living it out. Hopefully,
you’ll get this sooner than I did. Because the beauty of this way of living is that if and
when happiness shows up on your doorstep, it’s icing on the cake.
*This article first appeared on RelevantMagazine.com
JOHN MARK COMER
John Mark Comer is Lead Pastor of Bridgetown; A Jesus Church in
Portland, Ore., and author of Loveology: God. Love. Marriage. Sex. And
the Never-Ending Story of Male and Female.
Loveology
twitter
@johnmarkcomer
60

THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS TO
GET TO FOUR
One way to manage personality differences.
KAREN EHMAN
My husband and I didn’t start out our marriage with any overly romantic notions. No
knight-in-shining-armor visions. No expectations of me being treated like a princess
with a guaranteed happily-ever-after thrown in for good measure. Because we both
grew up in homes that had less-than-perfect marriages, including one divorce, we
were realists. We knew marriage was hard. But we were willing to do the hard work.
One thing we never bargained for however, was what would become one of the most
difficult aspects of our life together.
We simply drive each other nuts with how we get things done.
Of course we knew we had polar-opposite personalities. But those differences were
cute when we were dating. Yet it seems the minute we said our “I dos” the very things
we found adorable about each other soon began to make us crazy!
My husband is a laid-back, unrushed person with a calm demeanor. I loved how he
didn’t seem to have opinions on many things when we were college sweethearts. Time
to go to dinner or a movie He wasn’t too wasn’t fussy. He always let me decide. I
loved that set up! However, when, a few months into our marriage, I needed him to
make some decisions—to take some action—he froze.
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It bothered me so much, his passivity.
He, on the other hand, was first attracted to me because he loved how I could talk.
“You could work a room, making everyone feel included. You could talk to everyone
from the bagger at the grocery store to the college president. I loved how you could
talk!” Then, about three days into our honeymoon he had this thought, “When is she
ever going to hush up” In fact, he says that—should I go before him—he already
knows what he is going to put on my tombstone.
A period. She’s finally done yakking!
My being an overly verbal person sometimes makes me also show my frustration and
display my anger a bit more than my hubby (okay…..a lot more). I get flustered at what
I perceive as his lack of action and I sometimes burst out in annoyance.
He is often passive. Usually it makes me get aggressive. I guess you could say we have
a passive-aggressive marriage!
Working through our personality differences has been a constant home improvement
project for us. For the most part, we do pretty well. In fact, on the big issues we seem
to give each other grace and space. However, it is the little things that drive us both
bonkers! Our differing personalities also cause us to tackle tasks around the house in
opposite ways.
If long-lost friends call to say they will be passing through our town in an hour and
want to stop by, I go into panic mode. I want the house picked up and pronto! What
does that look like to me Grab the clutter. Shove it in a closest. Or drawer. Or even
in the dryer for crying out loud. Just get rid of the junk. I couldn’t care less if there
is a layer of dust on the furniture when you drop by. I just don’t want you to trip and
break your neck because of the stuff currently playing possum on my living room
floor.
The hubster Yeah. You guessed it. He steps gingerly over the piles to head up to the
guest bedroom to start dusting all the furniture in the house! What! They aren’t even
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63
going to go upstairs to that room! But to him clean means dust-free. Clutter doesn’t
rattle him. It’s not even on his radar.
I know we aren’t the only ones with this little marital hitch. Maybe some of you can
relate to this one. Lets take feeding the kids. Say they need lunch one afternoon. You—
being a good mom—would feed them a turkey sandwich on whole grain bread with
a side of carrot sticks and a crisp apple. Your man He thinks it is just fine and dandy
to throw some leftover pizza on a plate, nuke it 15 seconds and serve it with a side of
leftover Easter candy for dessert. Oh my!
But ya know what I have learned Everything doesn’t always have to be done my way.
That’s right. They are many ways to tackle tasks around the house. Or to parent the
kiddos. I’ll illustrate it for you.
Let me ask you this:
what is 2 + 2
3 + 1
10 – 6
Yep. The answer to all of the above is four.
There are a lot of ways to get to four. The only one who will do exactly what you
would do in 100% of the situations you are confronted with in life….is you! And, if
your spouse does everything exactly as you do and has the same opinion as you on
every issue, then one of you is unnecessary!
Reciting my little math equation phrase in my brain helps me to keep my anger in
check. “There are a lot of ways to get to four”. It not only calms me down, it helps me
to remember that I am not the center of the universe. That everything doesn’t always
need to be done my way. That I am not always right. (Did I really just admit that
publicly)
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Who cares if, when getting the house clean, he sweeps and then dusts and you do it in
reverse Do you really want to take your last breath on that little hill In the example
of feeding the children, both methods still fill their tummies. No kids ever became
malnourished from one meal of leftover pizza and candy (besides, it makes them think
dad is really cool!).
Giving each other grace and space is crucial to a marriage relationship. Life is so
constant. Keeping house together is daily. If you let every tiny difference in how you
approach tasks at home bug you it will sap the life and joy right out of your relationship.
So how do we stop this cycle Can we train our brains to process situations differently,
avoiding wounded feelings and regret Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
• Does this really matter now
• Will it matter tomorrow
• Will it affect eternity
• Is God trying to teach me something If so, what
• Can I pause and praise instead of interrupt and instigate
• Am I just being overly-picky and simply need to let it go
A though from the Bible I always come back to is,
“Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better
than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3).
It may seem a small thing to defer to others when it comes to how chores are done
around the house. However, I have come to realize that sometimes wanting things
done the right....ahem...I mean “my” way, just stems from my own selfishness. I think
my ways are better. Waaaaaay better. And I try to impress others with how great my
ways are rather than consider for even a second that my beloved’s way might be just
fine and dandy.
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Remember, two plus two equals four. Three plus one equals four. It all equals four. In
fact, during heightened moments of frustration, you just might find me wandering
about my house, mumbling to myself, “And thirty-six divided by nine equals four. The
square root of sixteen is four!”
How many ways can you get to four
KAREN EHMAN
Karen Ehman is the communications coordinator and a national speaker
for Proverbs 31 Ministries, a national speaker, and author of six books
including LET. IT. GO.: How to Stop Running the Show & Start Walking
in Faith. She has been the guest on media outlets including The 700
Club, Focus on the Family, Moody Midday Connection and Engaging
Women. She and her college sweetheart husband Todd are the parents
of three sometimes quarrelsome but mostly charming children and
reside in the boondocks of Mid-Michigan where she enjoys herb gardening,
antique hunting and cheering loudly in the baseball bleachers
and football stands. {Yeah. She’s that mom.}
Let. It. Go. : How to Stop Running the Show and
Start Walking in Faith
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MOCK EACH OTHER & 7 OTHER
CREATIVE TIPS ON MARRIAGE
JEREMY COWART
My wife and I have been married for 14 years and in that time, we’ve learned a lot
about what it takes to be married. It’s easier than everyone says it is. Here are seven
things we’ve done that have made our marriage work really well—and helped
us have a lot of fun.
1. DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY.
14 years of marriage and running, we’ve never had “the bad year”. We don’t fight
and never have. I can remember three kinda-fights in 17 years of being together
but they diffused very quickly. Within the hour. I’m not bragging. I’m just saying
that if you’re in a dating relationship and you fight all the time, it doesn’t have
to be that way. It’s possible to be in a long-lasting relationship, without fighting.
My wife and I are ridiculously laid back. We don’t take anything or ourselves too
seriously.
2. MOCK EACH OTHER.
We laugh all the time. We talk smack and jokingly mock each other. She’ll ask me
to take out the trash. I respond with “I’ll take YOU out to the trash.” Then she’ll
respond with “Your face is trash.” Then we both die laughing. This constant joking
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is hilarious, fun and such a healthy dynamic in our marriage. It’s our love language
in a very hysterical/slightly disturbing way.
3. EXHAUST “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID” JOKES.
I believe every marriage must have a healthy dose of “That’s what she said” jokes. I
think we have a larger dose of them than The Office had.
4. GIVE SELFLESSLY.
My wife is relentlessly selfless. She gives and gives and gives like no one else I’ve
ever seen in my life. I try to be selfless but she wins by a mile in that category. It’s
just who she is.
5. DON’T BE A FAN.
I love that my wife is not a “fan” of mine. She loves me for me and not my career
or anything. I’m an idea guy and I’m bouncing ideas off of her all the time. Most
of the time, it goes in one ear and out the other. It can be frustrating, but it keeps
me humble. But sometimes I have an idea that causes her to break down into tears
immediately. One of those moments was when I told her about an idea called
Help-Portrait. I recently had another idea that made her cry. It’s a massive dream
of mine and she’s always pressing me and asking, “When are you going to pursue
that one” She is the ultimate idea barometer and always seems to be right.
6. BE THE AVERAGE.
My wife averages me out in my confidence. There are days. Many, many, many days
that I feel like I suck. My ideas suck. Everything sucks. As an artist, many times I
have absolutely zero confidence. Those are the days she somehow figures out how
to remind me I don’t suck and I’m actually quite good at what I do. Then, every
now and then, I’m a little too high on an idea or a project and I think for a minute
that I’m kind of awesome. She’s super quick to bring me back down to earth
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in those moments. She’s an expert balloon-popper. The balloon being my ego, of
course.
7. TRUST EACH OTHER.
I’ve always admired her trust in me. Not every wife would say “sure, go tour with
Britney Spears for three months”. Or “Sure, go shoot all these beautiful women
and make them look even more beautiful.” But she does do that and continues to
trust me. It’s amazing how, the more she trusts me, the more I want to earn and
respect that trust. Jealousy kills relationships and Shannon has never once been
jealous of what I’m doing or who I’m working or traveling with. That’s a strong
woman. And let me just add to the fact that I’ve never slept with another woman
in my life. We were virgins when we got married and have remained 100% faithful
since then. So guys, it’s possible to have a successful career, travel the world and
stay faithful to your wife. Crazy concept, I know, but it’s pretty amazing. Our culture
tends to celebrate sleeping around and showcase men as “strong” and “tough”
if they get a lot of women. I think it’s the complete opposite. Staying faithful to
your wife as a man is strong and tough. Cheating on your spouse is weak. Amen.
8. BE PATIENT.
Oh man, my wife is so patient with me. I tend to be quite spacey. I’m always
thinking or dreaming of something. It’s part A.D.D. and part dreamer in me. So it’s
hard for me to be “present” sometimes. I can be in the room and not present at all.
But Shannon understands that about me and is patient with me. She’s patient every
time I drive the wrong way and miss all those turns. She’s patient when I forget
those groceries or forget the important story she told me about her day. She’s
patient when I simply don’t listen. Whew, that’s a tough one for most women. So
sure, she gets madly frustrated sometimes but she’s still more understanding than
she should be.
Same with my iPhone. I love my job and I love technology. So it’s easy to be glued
to my iPhone a lot. I’m also a people-pleaser, so I feel like I have to respond to
every email, text, Facebook comment, Facebook message, twitter reply, twitter DM,
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blog post comment, phone call, LinkedIn message, Instagram comment, etc. Did I
cover them all Probably not. But you get the idea. Keeping up with it all is hard.
Family comes first, obviously, but gosh it’s hard sometimes to balance it all. Shannon
is extremely patient with my struggles there.
We’re not perfect. We don’t have it all figured out and I don’t mean to imply that.
But marriage these days seems to be in a lot of trouble. It feels like divorce is far
more normal than happy marriages. But from a guy who has a good, healthy marriage,
these are simply a few of the things that have helped us. And I hope they
help you.
JEREMY COWART
Jeremy is a Photographer, Entrepreneur and a Humanitarian. He
founded a global photography movement called Help-Portrait and
recently launched an iPhone App/Social Network called OKDOTHIS.
His goal in life is to use his platform, ideas and creativity to inspire and
help others in need.
world
jeremycowart.com
twitter
@jeremycowart
69

DROPPING THE IF-BOMBS
It’s “US vs The Distractions” baby!
PAUL EDWARD RALPH
If-bombs are just like F-bombs, except there’s way more collateral damage.
I will never forget my earliest If-bomb encounter. You see, there was a certain young
lady I’d been eyeing for months at school and church. Having honed my skills for
reading the nonverbal cues of the fairer sex, it was abundantly clear that there was
mutual interest.
I was fourteen.
There could be no mistaking it.
This was a slam-dunk.
On that magical day, as Jill and I stood at the bus stop, I mustered up the courage.
Leaning toward her, and lowering my voice to an adolescent hush, I artfully posited
the question: “Would you like to go with me to a movie”
“Sure,” she responded instantly.
And with the sweet sound of that monosyllabic ecstasy ringing fresh in my ear, my
mind raced to the shared popcorn and to the potential of nudging my leg closer to
hers. I even let myself consider the rapturous delight of holding her hand.
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“Sure,” she repeated, “If you’ll introduce me to your older brother!”
Crash and burn.
I was crushed.
I was completely humiliated.
I was irreparably damaged.
And I was fourteen.
There was nothing more deflating in the entire universe.
When my heart and mind finally coalesced around the brutal nature of her rejection, I
determined then and there to be suspect of that little conjunction “if.” And the devastation
wrought when dropped on an unsuspecting victim is enormous.
Fast forward.
I married my high school sweetheart (not the bus stop bomber) and we’ve introduced
three new lives onto the big, blue marble. If I’m honest, not every breath has been
dramatic, effortless, and filled with pregnant anticipation. Marian and I have celebrated
the triumph and the tragedy; the pleasure and the pain; the daylight and the darkness.
We’ve dropped our share of bombs on each other. And the fallout wasn’t pretty. Yet
through it all, among other things we’ve learned to say: Thank you, You’re correct, I’m
sorry—and mean it.
I like the ancient Hebrew description of it: “… a man leaves his father and mother and
is united to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two but one.”
Perhaps I now perpetually have that look on my face, but I’m often asked, “What piece
of advice would you give to couples” That’s a decent question, but I liked this question
better when it recently landed in my inbox: “What advice would you offer twenty-something
newlyweds (or couples about to take the plunge)”
Here’s one, which might surprise you...
Stop dropping If-bombs!
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“If” has many uses. When it’s employed as a part of couple-speak, especially during
moments of tension, unfortunately it often presents as:
“IF” CAN BE A BARGAINING CHIP.
Him: “If she puts out, I’ll help around the house.”
Her: “If he helps out more, I might want to have sex with him.”
“IF” CAN BE A COVER-UP FOR FEAR.
Him: “If she really knew what I was like, she’d reject me.”
Her: “If I gain weight, he’ll look elsewhere.”
“IF” CAN BE A BLAME GAME.
Him: “If she weren’t such a nag, we’d be happy.”
Her: “If he didn’t waste so much money, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
Does any of this sound familiar
If-bombs place people in competitive postures against one another. And since the DNA
of competition requires that there be a winner and a loser, as a couple that translates
into “me versus you—one or both of us loses.”
In other words, when you compete with one another—when you insist on dropping
if-bombs—you set yourself up for failure as a couple.
Several years into our marriage, I found myself at a career tipping point, which caused
me to doubt some long-held ideals. I was nervous to have an open dialogue with Marian
about them. I was nervous she might reject the new direction I was considering;
ergo, reject me.
Can you say collateral damage
In retrospect, the particular issue wasn’t even a big deal. But I let it slip into “me versus
her.” Subconsciously. Unintentionally. Painfully. So I hid from my own wife, which
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meant that both of us were losing.
Should you choose to leverage If-bombs as bargaining chips, or cover-ups for fear, or
to blame your spouse, I’ve got some hard news for you: You might just find that your
shared millions of breaths will develop into a lifetime of very labored breathing with
the odds stacked against you.
Permit me to suggest an alternative: “us versus the distractions—with a chance that
we’ll both win.”
DISTRACTIONS: A PARTIAL LISTING
• Money
• Death
• Employment
• Children
• Sickness
• Attraction to Others
• Aging Parents
• Sex
• Religion
• Power
• Friends
• Personal Baggage
• Extended Family
• Cultural Distinctions
• Personal Habits
• Society
• Pizza Toppings
(okay kidding, kind of )
Distractions are natural. They’re coming whether you like it or not. They happen with
or without your permission. And in reality, you often play a role in creating the very
distractions you will encounter as a couple.
Distractions are powerful. They can kill your marriage.
But they don’t have to.
If it’s “me versus you,” there is an enormous need, perceived or real, to come out on
top. (Self-preservation is like a horse that has bolted from the barn—quickly escaping
and very difficult to retrieve. And it kicks up a lot of dust in the form of arguments,
misrepresentation, misunderstanding, and hurt.)
On the contrary, “us versus the distractions” animates your relationship and conversations
center around the topic at hand, rather than the persons involved. This opens
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up the freedom for some healthy discussion, which doesn’t need to include personal
attacks.
To paraphrase a dear friend of mine,
“Tough issues can make us fearful or defensive. However, a good conversation does not
dismiss another’s viewpoint. A healthy conversation is open and honest. Each person
seeks to give and receive, and each has a genuine interest in the perspective and
knowledge of the other person.”
Now that is what an “us versus the distractions” kind of relationship looks like.
And that’s what can happen when you stop dropping If-bombs.
PAUL EDWARD RALPH
Paul Edward Ralph has three first names. Odd, we know. But hey, he’s
a Canadian who leads a team of experienced collaborators at www.
theideascafe.com, and also helps non-profit organizations cultivate
generosity at www.PathwaysFund.com. “Don’t buy the lie that practice
makes perfect,” claims this husband and father. “Practice makes permanent.”
And guided by this mantra Paul pursues life by cultivating
conversations of unhurried intimacy.
world PaulERalph.com
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GOOD GIRLS LIKE SEX TOO
How to Initiate Sex with Your Husband
SHEILA WRAY GREGOIRE
Out of the last five times you’ve made love, how many have you initiated, and how
many has your husband initiated
If you say he’s initiated all 5, that could be a problem!
Now, I know sometimes you just start making love because you’re kissing and snuggling,
and it’s not clear who initiated. It just happened (all the more reason to go to
bed at the same time, so that things can “just happen”!). Or sometimes he has a really
low sex drive, so the whole initiation pattern is thrown off.
But quite often we get into this rut where he wants sex more than you do, so he’s
the one who initiates. Maybe you’re not even sure how to initiate sex, because you’ve
never really done it!
When I was researching my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I did surveys
and interviewed both men and women. And here’s what one guy said about initiation:
“Men don’t want to be placated; they want to be wanted.”
Paul Byerly, who writes at the Generous Husband, puts it this way:
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“For men, sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates
the opposite. I realize this is not usually what women are communicating with sex
and saying no, but it is what men feel.”
Even when you convince a man this is not what you mean, he will still feel it.
When a man feels a good sexual connection with his wife, he starts to want other
forms of intimacy. Not tolerate—want. The need was always there, but it is hard to
hear over the much louder need for sexual intimacy.
So, ladies, it’s time to step up to the plate!
But how do you initiate sex
I’d like to share 10 tips on how to initiate sex with your husband—and help your
husband feel like the most blessed man in the world.
1. DO SHOW ENTHUSIASM.
Initiating sex requires enthusiasm. The following do NOT count as initiating sex:
(Lying in bed, arms crossed. Turning head towards him). We can if you wanna.
(Standing at the bottom of the stairs, heading up to bed). I’m heading to bed. If you
come up within the next 10 minutes we may still have time, I guess.
(Lying in bed, looking at the ceiling). So, I shaved my legs today.
(Lying in bed, arms crossed). So...I guess we’re due, eh (Sorry, that’s the Canadian
coming out in me).
If you’re going to initiate, the first step is NOT telling him “do you wanna” The first
step is getting in the right frame of mind for sex so that you’re enthusiastic about it,
too!
2. DON’T OVERTHINK IT.
Why don’t we initiate sex Because often as soon as the thought pops into our heads
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we talk ourselves out of it. Do I want to tonight Well, I don’t know. It is kind of late,
and I do need my sleep. And he wasn’t very nice to me tonight. He hardly hugged me
when he came home from work. I just feel so distant right now.
I can’t make love if we’re distant, can I Wouldn’t that be deceptive And what if the
kids wake up And what if....
Turn it off! Seriously. When you get the thought, pounce on it! You’ll be happier
later—and you’ll likely sleep better, too!
3. DON’T BE EMBARRASSED.
“Good girls don’t like sex.”
Did you grow up thinking that If you grew up thinking that only boys wanted sex,
and girls just acquiesced, then you may think that it’s your role to sit back and just
respond to him. Anything else somehow upsets the apple cart.
But good girls do want sex! God gave us sex drives, too. And inside marriage, sex is
supposed to be a wonderful thing for both of you!
Think about it this way: This is the only man on earth who can touch you like that.
He’s the only man on earth who really truly knows you. You don’t need to be embarrassed
around him.
I know that can be a hard transition to make. But practice little things, like saying to
him the morning after you made love, “I had fun last night”, or “you made me feel
great!”
Practice talking about it afterwards. It makes it easier to talk about it beforehand.
4. DON’T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.
If you’re embarrassed about saying, “do you want to make love tonight”, then you
may not give clear signals.
My husband was leaving for a business trip for a week recently, and he was spending
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the morning before he left sorting papers and paying bills and getting some tasks done
around the house. I kept getting up from my computer whenever he got up from his,
walking over to see if I could get him interested in something, but I never let him
know what I was doing.
I thought he was just busy and wasn’t interested. But after following him around like
a puppy dog for an hour, he finally turned to me and said, “are you okay” I said, “I
just thought we could go upstairs for some fun before you left.” He jumped on board
immediately.
I had thought he was busy and rejecting me, but he just really didn’t know what I was
getting at.
Men are usually afraid of getting rejected, and if he tends to have the higher sex drive
in your marriage, he may have conditioned himself to never think about it, or to try
not to assume you’re going somewhere, because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up.
Subtlety, then, isn’t a good thing. Be obvious. It’s easier on everyone!
5. DO USE YOUR HANDS.
Don’t like talking about sex You don’t have to. Come up behind him, wrap your arms
around him, start nibbling his ear, and let your hands wander. Or lead him to the
bedroom—but not with his hand.
You can get things going without saying any words, if the words make you shy. Just do
it!
6. DO BE CREATIVE.
Initiating sex can start earlier in the day. You can text him at work (“You’re in for it
tonight!”). You can get dressed in your “pretty” underwear (not your functional underwear),
and let him see, and say something like, “so this is what I’ll be wearing all
day today....” You can put a note in his lunchbox, like a Skor bar, and say, “Wanna Skor
tonight”
If a thought occurs to you, do it! Chances are it’s a good thought, and most guys won’t
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laugh at you. They’ll definitely go with it.
7. DO LAUGH.
It’s okay to smile, and chuckle, and be giggly. It’s okay to act like teenagers. It doesn’t
have to be super serious. You can joke around. “Hey, Big Man, do you have anything to
help Little Ole Me” You can flirt with your husband! It really is okay.The more laughter,
the more fun all around.
8. DO BE EYE CANDY (IT’S OKAY!)
Instead of wearing your flannel pyjamas, get into some silk ones. Or put on a matching
bra and panty set, and as you get undressed, show him what you’re wearing. Try
putting on a teddy!
Or go naked underneath a bathrobe and “flash” him while he’s downstairs. Then walk
away, and see if he follows.
9. DO FOLLOW THROUGH.
If you’ve been texting him all day, or you whispered in his ear when he walked in the
door, then do follow through. It’s hard on a guy to get his engines revving and then
stopping with no warning. Obviously if something comes up you may have to forego
sex that evening, but if you’ve been hinting, then as much as possible, set the right
conditions.
Don’t watch a chick flick if it’s likely to make you so tired that at the end of it you
want to collapse into bed. It may seem romantic, but if it will push bedtime back too
far, then make love first, before the movie.
Don’t get on the computer thinking, “after I’m done this we’ll head upstairs.” If sex is
your plan, then make sure it happens early, when you’re still thinking about it, rather
than giving other things—the news, the computer, the movies—a chance to distract
you and make you change your mind.
10. DO BE ACTIVE.
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Once you’ve caught his attention, and you’re heading to the bedroom, don’t let the
initiation end. Be active as you make love. Touch him. Guide his hand. Be the aggressor—at
least a little bit. Find a good position yourself. When you’re active, it shows
him, “I want to do this.” If you lie there on your back and don’t do much, he may
think, “she’s just doing this for me.” Show him you are interested, and you do want
this to happen—by making it happen!
Ultimately, you don’t have to do all of these things. Pick 1-3 and then just do them.
Small changes now can add up to big changes in the long run.
Now go and have a great time with your man.
SHELIA WREY GREGOIRE
Sheila Wray Gregoire is a popular marriage speaker and blogger. The
author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31
Days to Great Sex, she loves encouraging women to find the intimacy
that God designed us for. She blogs everyday at ToLoveHonorandVacuum.com
world ToLoveHonorandVacuum.com twitter @sheilagregoire
Buy The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex
80

HOLD HANDS
How to Stay Connected to Your Spouse
LIZ & RYAN BOWER
Have you ever seen a little old couple walking down the street, hand in hand or arm
in arm No matter who you are, a sight like this absolutely warms your heart. Their
physical connection of love is powerful, even to an innocent bystander.
Generally our immediate reaction goes something like this:
Liz (poking or tapping me on the arm): “Aww, did you see that cute little old couple”
Ryan: “They look so cute together. I hope we are still that much in love at that age.”
Over the past seven years of marriage we’ve learned many important things. But one
of the most important things we’ve learned is the importance of staying connected to
each other—both emotionally and physically.
For us, it’s pretty simple, the more connected we are, the happier we are together.
During our wedding, this idea was shared from the Bible passage Mark 10:8.
“and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.”
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By saying “I Do” we agreed to become one. How much more connected can you get
than that
But even knowing we are happier when truly connected, we are often challenged to
remain one flesh. In everyday life there are so many things that pull for our attention,
the attention that we should be focusing on each other in order to create a truly connected
relationship.
A simple example of one thing that pulls for our attention is the digital device you are
reading this on. According to a July 2013 article on Yahoo!, Americans spend 23 hours
a week on digital devices, social media and texting. That’s nearly an entire day! If you
figure an average of 7 hours of sleep per night, that’s nearly 20% of the remaining
waking hours in a week! And this report is nearly a year old, so that average is probably
even higher now.
Staying physically connected can also be a huge challenge as well. The weight of marriage
even affects something as simple as holding hands.
According to the book The Normal Bar, “Most couples hold hands often in their first
five years together, but things start to change around year six. That drop-off is significant
(11%) but not as dramatic as the plunge after ten or more years, when more than
half of couples no longer hold hands.”
Fortunately we have found a few easy answers (easy to say, although not always easy to
implement!) to remaining more fully connected with each other.
First, we do our best to turn off our digital devices or at least put them away after
8pm. Instead of spending time looking at a screen, we look at each other. And no
matter what, we reconnect emotionally with each other each night by simply talking
with each other before we go to bed. We talk about our day, our hopes and our dreams
for the next day, and what we can do to be better partners to each other.
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Our friends Jenny and Matt, a couple we met and interviewed out near Los Angeles,
have a similar rule they call “Five Minutes on the Couch.” Each day after they get
home from work, they sit on the couch together, without distractions, and catch back
up with each other. Their conversations help them stay current with each other and
more emotionally connected.
Another thing we try to do is to act like that little old couple. We make a conscious
effort to hold hands as we walk and we take moments to hug each other throughout
the day.
Finally, if you don’t think staying connected is that big of a deal, consider this.
It’s been shown that the simple act of holding hands can reduce stress (Check out this
TEDx talk). Also, simply touching each other has been shown to communicate emotions
of gratitude, trust, and love.
All of which are emotions nearly everyone will tell you are keys to greater happiness
and a more amazing marriage.
LIZ & RYAN BOWER
Hello Friends! We are Liz and Ryan, millennials, storytellers, wedding
photographers, dream believers and AMAZING life inspirers. We are
high school sweethearts, married for almost 7 years, and business partners
for 5. Our dream is to inspire all couples to live a more AMAZING
Life Together.
world www.amazinglifetogether.com
twitter @AMZLIfeTogether
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MARRIAGE ISN’T ABOUT FINDING
THE RIGHT PERSON
KRIS WOLFE
The best marriage advice I’ve ever received is simple:
“Marriage isn’t about finding the right person. It’s about becoming the right person.”
If you want to find the right person for marriage, it’s not about finding the best technique,
or pick-up lines. It’s not about short-term fixes, one-night stands, or anything
that adds another notch to your bedpost.
It’s about becoming the best individual you can be so you can attract
the best spouse for you.
Wearing a mask is exhausting. Putting on a front takes ridiculous effort. You are not
the same person when you strive and become desperate. We pound the ground, get
caught up in distraction, stir up dust, creating a snow globe of confusion and illusion,
and when we are tired from the effort, our feet slow down, the dust begins to settle,
we finally rest, and there lies our authentic self. Humbled, we face ourselves; or embarrassed,
we finally expose the true self to everyone close to us.
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We create dust bowls just to get in relationships. The impression we make is a whole
new front as we strive to find “the one.” We’ve all heard the old adage, “After six
months of dating, you’ll finally discover who your partner really is.” What really
happens is six months in, we become comfortable, let our guards down, and reveal our
true self.
The problem is, the other half isn’t impressed—rightfully so.
Sometimes we try to find the perfect mate who will keep the illusory dust image
around us. However, a spouse cannot complete you, and deep down, we know that. If
we have no interest in dealing with our issues, we really just want someone who can
hide our true selves away and make us forget any pain we’ve been dealt.
Who are you when the dust settles
If marriage is about becoming the right person, then it all begins at ground zero. It begins
with an honest assessment, an unconditional acceptance, and a desire to be better
than where we are at this moment. It’s also the realization we cannot become the right
person alone.
There’s a reason one of the best self-improvement programs is Alcoholics Anonymous.
The 12 steps start with acceptance, acknowledging the need for a savior (“a higher
power”), assessing your morals, forgiving, etc. It’s a humble new beginning.
One of the most powerful experiences I’ve had was attending an AA meeting with a
friend. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. I saw people accept their condition, and
surrender. I realized that despite the fact I had given my life to Jesus, there was still
shame, and history tucked neatly under a rug. That night gave me confidence to start a
journey to become the man I was supposed to be.
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Marriage isn’t about finding the right person
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It wasn’t long before I started seeing a counselor, joined a therapy group, and began
seeking out healing ministries. I’m glad I did. My thoughts transformed, my habits
changed, and when I met my wife, I had become the right person for myself, and for
her.
Maybe we need to accept our imperfections, and find refuge in our savior. Maybe we
need others around us who will push us to a higher standard of living, and maybe we
need to change our way of thinking and begin a new life.
You choose. Which do you want: to hide behind the illusion and be covered by a dust
storm, or be covered with the redeeming love of Jesus
KRIS WOLFE
Kris Wolfe is the founder, editor, and writer on GoodGuySwag.com. He
currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife Kristen (former Miss USA
and founder of SheIsMore.com), where he leads a men’s group comprised
of influencers in the entertainment industry. He’s a health and
fitness freak, and in his spare time, is involved on the Board of Directors
for Olive Crest, an organization devoted to families and placement
of foster children.
world
goodguyswag.com
86

DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE THE ONE
THAT LOVES THE MOST
How I Discovered Love is Not Weakness.
NATE BAGLEY
On December 11th, 2013 I found myself in a car driving through the back roads of
Georgia with a stiff back and weary eyes. I had spent the last two months of my life
sleeping on couches, driving from city to city with my friend, Melissa, as we searched
the United States for the most passionately in-love couples we could find.
We were nearing the end of our journey, and as always, I had no idea what to expect
from the couple we were about to meet. I had no way of knowing I would receive the
most important love advice of my life.
When we arrived at Joseph and Anne Gaston’s home, we were treated with 60+ years
worth of stories and experiences. They told us how they met and how they fell in
love. They recounted the struggles that came with working in the medical field while
raising a family, how they had to sacrifice important things so the other could pursue
their dreams.
Conversations like this are what I live for—rich in stories, personality, and practical
advice. These are the reason I started recording these stories in the first place.
As we were winding down the conversation, we asked the Gastons if they could leave
the world with one bit of love advice, what would it be
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DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE THE ONE THAT LOVES THE MOST
88
Without missing a beat, Anne said,
“Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.”
I felt the air get sucked from my lungs as the power of her words sank in.
I had always been taught that “the person who cares the least always has the most
power.” We tell ourselves that not caring—not loving—means we get to dictate the
pace of the relationship and the level of commitment. We believe the person who
cares the least worries the least, stresses the least, and has the most freedom to do
as they please.
We say that loving makes you weak and vulnerable. It makes you a captive in your
own relationship, subject to the feelings, moods, and desires of the one you love.
One simple sentence by an 80-year-old woman changed a lifetime of belief for me.
I suddenly realized that love is not weakness. It’s power.
Love is the fuel that makes relationships work. Loving someone more than they
love you is not stupid or crazy or foolish. It’s the bravest thing you can do in this
life.
True love is given without conditions or expectation of reciprocation. We can love
others even when they are imperfect and flawed. We can cherish them, serve them,
and forgive them even when they break promises, say unintentionally hurtful
things, fall short, or forget.
Love is unfair… and that’s what makes it so amazing and beautiful.
When we aren’t afraid to be the one who loves the most, and we find a partner who
is also committed to loving big, we get the experience of receiving love even (and
especially) in the moments we least deserve it.
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DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE THE ONE THAT LOVES THE MOST
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That is what true love is all about. Don’t miss out on true, deep, meaningful, connected
love.
Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.
NATE BAGLEY
Nate Bagley is the creator of The Loveumentary, a project dedicated to
revealing what truly happy, healthy relationships have in common. He’s
traveled all over the united states and spoken with hundreds of couples
to learn what makes their relationships so incredible. He shares those
insights via his blog and podcast which can be found at loveumentary.
com.
world loveumentary.com twitter @loveumentary
89

WHEN THE MARITAL GRASS LOOKS
GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF
THE FENCE
6 questions to ask when marriage isn’t so great
RACHEL WOJNAROWSKI
Sometimes it’s hard to remember every detail of one of the biggest days of my life. With
all the work and preparation, every flower and candle should be pierced into my memory,
but sometimes I have to turn the pages of my wedding photo album to remember the little
things that meant so much that day.
The same holds true with marriage.
Oh, I can read the best marriage book ever written and be inspired to become the best wife
on the planet. The only problem is, a few days later, I’ve forgotten what really inspired me
and my husband left his clothes hanging on the treadmill… again.
And there it is—the need to remember why I married him. Which, if you are wondering,
wasn’t because he perfectly places his clothes on hangers in the closet.
Recently my husband and I attended a gorgeous wedding together.
The most beautiful moments of the wedding (and there were many of them—in word,
deed, and environment—led me to mentally acknowledge that every moment of their
marriage won’t be nearly this perfect. You know what I mean
In the light of personality shifts or age changes or life circumstances, sometimes it’s easy
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When the Marital Grass Looks Greener on the Other Side of the Fence 91
to forget the reason we chose to love this man or woman. Something doesn’t get checked
off the honey-do list or the car breaks down for the third time in a week, or his attitude
stinks and her mouth needs a zipper.
Sometimes, it gets easy to think the marital grass is greener on the other side of the
fence—that your friend or relative or acquaintance has a better marriage than you do.
Social media often confirms our thoughts of the neighbor’s “dream marriage.”
After all, no one ever posts a photo of two people ignoring each other at the dinner table.
No one posts a photo of him sleeping on the couch or her curled up in the bathroom,
crying. So it’s easy to look at our neighbors or Facebook friends or friends or whomever
and wish our marriage was like theirs.
But the bottom line is this: when the marital grass starts looking greener on the other side
of the fence, there are some things you can do (rather than glaring over the fence, day
after day, wishing for greener grass) that might actually be productive.
Here are 6 questions to ask yourself when married life seems tough.
1. AM I WATERING
Have I been pouring into my marriage or sucking the life out of it Without deposits of
time, energy and effort going into a marriage, you can be sure it will dry up. As a couple,
are we spending time quality together on a regular basis Am I giving the energy and
effort to my spouse (forgiveness, patience) I want to receive from them
2. AM I FERTILIZING
Have I taken the time to seasonally nourish my spouse Spelled out plainly: Do I remember
important dates in our relationship Do I encourage my spouse’s goals Do I praise my
spouse’s achievements
3. AM I PRUNING
Sometimes we need to trim off a few dead ends to keep marriage fresh. When we’ve
settled into habits that aren’t appreciated by our spouse, it’s time to get rid of those habits.
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When the Marital Grass Looks Greener on the Other Side of the Fence 92
4. AM I WEEDING
If bitterness has taken root and crabgrass is overtaking the whole yard, no wonder the
neighbor’s grass is looking better. I once heard my father-in-law pray: “Lord, let us remember
not to let the sun go down on our wrath but to forgive one another each day.”
5. AM I SEEDING
Those worn out places of marriage may need a little revitalizing! Do something new together.
Try a new restaurant. Plan a weekend trip. Grow new areas of interest together! My
hubby and I found running is a wonderful way to seed our marriage.
6. DO WE NEED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL ADVICE
How do we know when to seek marital counseling When either partner feels deeply that
outside assistance is needed.
There are times when married life doesn’t just seem tough, it is tough. But the questions
above are ones that can be used to take a step back and determine if we are ready to be
part of the solution.
RACHEL WOJNAROWSKI
Rachel Wojnarowski is a sought-after blogger, writer and speaker. She
teaches Bible studies in central Ohio and she and her husband, Matt,
enjoy caring for their busy family of 7 children.
world rachelwojo.com twitter @RachelWojo
92

MARRIAGE DOESN’T HAPPEN ON
YOUR WEDDING DAY
JARED BLACK
About a decade ago, my wife Stephanie and I were enjoying a rare night out together
away from our then two young children. We were visiting a church and the service
concluded with an opportunity to pair up with someone for prayer. In a casual moment
of introduction, we announced to our prayer partner that we had been married
for five years. Without a beat, the woman made a statement that has forever altered
the way I view marriage. She stated, simply and boldly (with a southern drawl), “five
years of marriage It’s like y’all are in Kindergarten!”
Until that moment, I had never considered marriage—especially our marriage—
through the lens of a development cycle. Instead, I had somehow assumed marriage
was an event that happened on a specific date, in a specific year.
As far as I was concerned, I was married…end of story. However, the thought of a five
year old—a kindergartener—full of potential, full of questions, and pregnant with a
developing future (not to mention all the tantrums, immaturity, and poor communication)—seemed
to do a better job describing what my wife and I had been experiencing
day-to-day.
Suddenly the first five years of our marriage—with the continual struggle to communicate
with each other or make mutual decisions without one of us feeling violat-
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Marriage Doesn’t Happen on Your Wedding Day
94
ed—came into focus. No wonder we didn’t know exactly how to communicate with
one another. No wonder we weren’t experts at conflict resolution or unity or mutual
decision-making. We were only five-years old in our marriage (at the time). Would we
expect a five-year-old child to be able to write a college essay Of course not. A fiveyear-old
can’t be expected to act or communicate like an adult.
And yet it seems we make this mistake often when it comes to marriage. We expect
ourselves—or other people—to be able to function likely fully grown adults in marriage,
when the truth is we simply haven’t arrived at that stage of growth as a couple.
The hope for the five-year-old is not to act like an adult, but to learn what it takes to
become an adult—and to be given the tools to grow into a happy, productive, functioning
adult. The goal is not to avoid childhood altogether, but to grow out of the
childhood eventually—with all it’s vying for attention, temper tantrums, and selfishness
and to grow into something more mature.
It occurred to me after this experience: what if we looked at our marriages this way
How would it change the way they function
This thought process has lead to the more foundational belief that marriage is an ongoing
action discovered with my wife; a development cycle. Marriage isn’t something we
accomplished the day we said “I Do”. That was only the beginning of an entirely new
being; the “one new flesh” so often referenced during traditional marriage ceremonies
was born that day and must continue growing.
The day of marriage is not the end of the story, but the beginning. It brings into creation
a brand new infant couple, pledging to learn the art of marrying their individual
lives into one combined, married, maturing life together.
In other words, as much as I am presently married to Stephanie, it is more accurate to
say that each day we are actively marrying each other further—as we bring our individual
thoughts, responses, fears, and strengths into this intimate bond together.
So how does that change how we act as a married couple
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Marriage Doesn’t Happen on Your Wedding Day
95
Most importantly, Steph and I have discovered our primary goal isn’t “learning to be
married” in a static sense so much as learning the art of marrying our own individual
responses, desires, and efforts in any present moment. Marriage is a moment-by-moment
kind of thing. I know that can sound pretty vague, so here’s an example.
When we have a conflict, it is most often caused by one of a few things—a difference
in the way we see a certain situation, unspoken expectations that aren’t met, or general
frustration at the way the other person has handled something. As we approach the
problem at hand, we each have different ways of dealing with it (dictated by our past
experiences, our temperaments and personalities and also our fears and wounds). This
can really easily lead to tension, as we we each seek to solve the conflict in our own
individualistic way; through our own lenses, valuing our decision and actions as more
“right” or more important than the decisions or actions of our spouse.
What we need in that moment isn’t a better marriage. What we need is to embrace the
opportunity to marry in that moment.
In other words, what we need is to practice a method of resolving (read re-solve) the
situation through communication. Since it is clear that I have solved the situation a
certain way and she has solved it a different way—or that I have one opinion and she
has another—then it becomes equally clear that on that particular issue, we now have
an invitation to become married (again). This is nothing to freak out about, but something
to verbally acknowledge so that the work of re-solving can produce the intimacy
only the ongoing marrying of our two individual lives can bring.
The practice of re-solving marital issues revolves around learning to communicate
well with your spouse. This takes practice.
Two individuals are almost always terrible at this at first (so if you have hard time
communicating with your spouse, give yourself some grace). But most unresolved
issues in marriage stem around each person’s inability to effectively hear what the
other person is saying, and more importantly why they are saying it. Quality communication
begins not by being a good talker, but by becoming a great listener.
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Marriage Doesn’t Happen on Your Wedding Day
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Steph and I now jokingly say that the first one of us to hear the other wins the argument.
Why
Because is it only by focusing on what the other is saying, getting into their head,
seeing the values that were driving their decisions and actions in the moment, can
we finally get about the beauty of marrying our two individual worlds into a shared,
exciting world of marriage.
*This is an excerpt from an interview featured in Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions
& the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person.
JARED BLACK
Jared Black is the Vice President of Gabriel Communications and is
pursuing a PhD in Religion and Society at Oxford Graduate School.
world jaredethanblack.com
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6 SHORT, SWEET & TWEETABLE
PIECES OF ADVICE
“The moment you say “I Do”, you set out on your promise to bend not break, give not take,
turn toward not away, hold on not stray. You will find that through every change and challenge,
this love will test your vows. “I do” will lead you through it all if you’re willing to learn
how. For the wedding cake is rich and fresh, but the taste of true love lives in the leftovers.”
Christine Carter
The Mom Café
“Be infinitely more concerned about the kind of spouse YOU are rather than the kind of
spouse your mate is. Spend your life studying how to be the person and spouse God commands
you to be in His Word. Be responsible for finding all of your contentment and joy in
Christ alone for yourself instead of making your spouse responsible for your spiritual and
emotional health. The way you treat your spouse, especially when he/she is sinning against
you, is a tangible measure of the level of your actual love, reverence and submission to Christ.”
April Cassidy
Peaceful Wife
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Marriage Doesn’t Happen on Your Wedding Day 98
“Marriage is not static. It’s not a one-size fits all pair of jeans that will always wear the exact
same. The conditions in your marriage may change, but your commitment should not.
Marriage doesn’t define us, we define it.”
Paul Angone
All Groan Up
Untie yourself from the expectations we all drag into marriage. My ideas of a “perfect marriage”
weren’t only unrealistic; they diminished my appreciation of my husband and damaged
the relationship. Embracing the real us and jettisoning the perfect ideal living in my
head has brought deeper love and greater joy to our relationship. Just perfect, right!
Amy Carroll
Amy Carroll’s Website
Regarding love: Marvel at the many intricacies that make your spouse who they are, exude
a spirit of gratitude and discovery, and revel in the blessings of laughter and a times of intimacy.
Regarding tension: Seek to understand, forgive readily, and invest time to communicate
and work it out. Regarding longevity: Manage your expectations as marriage ebbs and
flows through different seasons, seasons of sacrifice or sickness . . . love and learn through
them all. Regarding loyalty: Create boundaries, use discernment with social media, and
appreciate the ways your relationship inspires you to grow.
Wendy Paine Miller
Thoughts That Move
“A healthy marriage takes work. Engage seasons of difficulty with the perspective of wanting
to learn and grow through it together, versus getting stuck in the moment by dwelling on the
negative. Choose Growth in Marriage.”
Angie Tolpin
Angie Tolpin’s Website
98

PS. Hope Marriage it helped! Doesn’t If wanting Happen more, don’t Your forget Wedding to pick up Day a copy of Marriage
99
Rebranded; Modern misconceptions and the unnatural art of loving another person. In
it, we talk about the ideas and mentalities that often set marriage up to feel unnatural
and hard. We also will replace those ideas and mentalities with more timeless and
proven ones by looking at the original meaning and purposes of marriage.
“I am not a fan of ‘marriage’ books because
they tend to be formulaic and boring. Marriage
Rebranded is neither. Witty, entertaining and
thoughtfully authentic...”
William Paul Young, Author of The Shack
“Tyler Ward asks all the right questions
about marriage and comes up with
compelling answers.”
Gary Thomas, Author of Sacred Marriage
“Wrapped in refreshing vulnerability, compelling
storytelling, and uncommon insight, Marriage
Rebranded is an absolute must-read
for young couples.”
Chance Scoggins, Grammy-winning Producer
“In a culture where the sacramental vision of
marriage continues to erode, Ward asks the big
questions and invites the reader to contemplate
the mystery of love.”
Jonathan Jackson, 5-time-Emmy-Award Winning Actor
AVAILABLE NOW ON 99 AMAZON

CREDITS
ABOUT THE BOOKLET
Design by JDSN
Edited by Allison Vesterfelt
Cover Art by Daniel Kim
Special thanks to Joel Widmer and Fluxe Digital Marketing.
PHOTO CREDITS
Page 7
Photo by Jordan Smith
Page 54
Photo by Wesly Ngetich
Page 9
Photo by Gemma Bou
Page 57
by Seth Rader
Page 12
Photo by jk+too
Page 70
Photo by Thomas Leuthard
Page 23
Photo by Cuffs6
Page 84
Photo by Jordan Smith
Page 48
Photo by Leafar
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