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TABLE OF CONTENTS<br />
1<br />
INTRODUCTION<br />
TYLER WARD<br />
4<br />
2<br />
LOVE STIMULATES LOVE<br />
GARY CHAPMAN<br />
7<br />
3<br />
THE “15 SECOND KISS” EXPERIMENT<br />
RYAN FREDERICK<br />
9<br />
4<br />
MARRIAGE ISN’T JUST A CHOICE<br />
DANNY SILK<br />
12<br />
5<br />
7 SECRETS OF HAPPY MARRIAGES<br />
JENNA MCCARTHY<br />
14<br />
6<br />
3 THINGS I WISH I KNEW BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED<br />
TYLER WARD<br />
18<br />
7<br />
WHO NEEDS HANDCUFFS<br />
GARY THOMAS<br />
23<br />
8<br />
LEARNING TO BE NAKED WITHOUT FEAR<br />
CHRISTA BLACK<br />
27<br />
9<br />
MARRIAGE IS MADE FOR YOU<br />
WILLIAM PAUL YOUNG<br />
31<br />
10<br />
FOREVER, A DAY AT A TIME<br />
CHANCE SCOGGINS<br />
34<br />
11<br />
SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO<br />
JEFF GOINS<br />
38<br />
12<br />
NEVER STOP EXPLORING<br />
JONATHAN JACKSON<br />
41<br />
13<br />
DON’T BUY STUFF YOU DON’T NEED<br />
JOSHUA BECKER<br />
44
3<br />
14<br />
GO WITH THE THE FLOW<br />
CARLOS WHITAKER<br />
48<br />
15<br />
SECRETS DON’T MAKE MARRIAGES<br />
BARRY AND LORI BYRNE<br />
51<br />
16<br />
PRACTICE MAKES THE PASSION POSSIBLE<br />
DUSTIN RIECHMANN<br />
54<br />
17<br />
THE PROMISE YOU CAN’T KEEP IN MARRIAGE<br />
JOHN MARK COMER<br />
57<br />
18<br />
THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS TO GET TO FOUR<br />
KAREN EHMAN<br />
61<br />
19<br />
MOCK EACH OTHER AND 7 OTHER CREATIVE TIPS<br />
ON MARRIAGE<br />
JEREMY COWART<br />
66<br />
20<br />
DROPPING THE IF-BOMBS<br />
PAUL EDWARD RALPH<br />
70<br />
21<br />
GOOD GIRLS LIKE SEX TOO<br />
SHELIA WRAY GREGOIRE<br />
75<br />
22<br />
HOLD HANDS<br />
RYAN BOWER<br />
81<br />
23<br />
24<br />
25<br />
MARRIAGE ISN’T ABOUT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON<br />
KRIS WOLFE<br />
DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE THE ONE THAT LOVES THE MOST<br />
NATE BAGLEY<br />
WHEN THE MARITAL GRASS LOOKS GREENER ON THE<br />
OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE<br />
RACHEL WOJNAROWSKI<br />
84<br />
87<br />
90<br />
26<br />
MARRIAGE DOESN’T HAPPEN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY<br />
JARED BLACK<br />
93<br />
27 6 SHORT, SWEET & TWEETABLE PIECES OF ADVICE 97<br />
28 NEXT STEPS 99<br />
29 CREDITS 100
4<br />
INTRODUCTION<br />
I was wonderfully undisturbed in my life as a bachelor.<br />
Then I met a 5-foot-nothing Swedish-Filipino woman with an authentic spirituality<br />
and an uncanny ability to light up a room. She was alluring. And after deciding I’d<br />
rather not live without her, I asked if I could put a ring on her finger—that is, I<br />
decided to officially invite another human to be in my personal space for the rest of<br />
my life.<br />
She consented.<br />
We married in a barn.<br />
It only took me a couple months to realize that I had no idea how to be married.<br />
The practice of <strong>marriage</strong> for us young people today is increasingly unnatural—and<br />
confusing.<br />
Sociologists say <strong>marriage</strong> is fundamentally broken.<br />
Historians say it’s outdated.<br />
Post-moderns, many of them, say it’s not even necessary.<br />
And tragically, statistics seem to say it’s not worth it.<br />
We all share a constant exposure to disappointment in <strong>marriage</strong>. It’s put on display<br />
every day—in the news, in celebrity relationships, in our parents’, friends’ or<br />
4
5<br />
coworkers’ lives. Because of it, some of us wait to marry. Others of us run to <strong>marriage</strong><br />
at the first chance we get with a revolutionary’s fist in the air. Yet, none of us truly<br />
know what this enigmatic relationship will ask of us.<br />
I began a larger conversation about <strong>marriage</strong> among Millennials over a year ago on<br />
several platforms online. From the feedback, its clear that most young people—myself<br />
included—have a learning curve early in <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
Some of us may have had some help from parents or books. But we’ve all been raised<br />
in a time and culture that hand us counter-productive mentalities and misguided<br />
expectations that don’t exactly set us up well for true love.<br />
So.<br />
Perhaps that’s why we’re here—now—together. It’s a sort of collective recognition that:<br />
“Marriage is beautiful, but unnatural...worth it, but challenging.<br />
And I, like many, could use a little help in navigating.”<br />
I’ve written a book about my journey of dismantling these modern misconceptions,<br />
mentalities, and expectations I brought to <strong>marriage</strong> called Marriage Rebranded. In<br />
the process of writing it, I met some of the more amazing individuals who offered<br />
priceless insight into <strong>marriage</strong>. This eBook is an attempt to collect all their wisdom in<br />
one place.<br />
Over the past two years, I’ve reached out to these experts, counselors, best-selling<br />
authors, and/or relational veterans for one piece of <strong>marriage</strong> advice for young people<br />
today—be it practical or conceptual. And the level of insight and wisdom that has<br />
come pouring in has been overwhelming.<br />
If <strong>marriage</strong> is hard for you at the moment, I hope this eBook simply comforts you to<br />
know you’re not alone.<br />
If <strong>marriage</strong> is amazing and fruitful, may it help you sustain.<br />
If <strong>marriage</strong> is confusing, may it offer some insight on this unique union.<br />
5
6<br />
If <strong>marriage</strong> feels pointless, may it add purpose and depth.<br />
Hope it helps! And please stay in touch.<br />
TYLER WARD<br />
TYLER WARD’s articles on lifestyle, <strong>marriage</strong>, and religion—which have<br />
been enjoyed by millions—have led him to recently release his first<br />
book, Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art<br />
of Loving Another Person.<br />
Married with two kids, TYLER calls Nashville home. His day job involves<br />
helping early stage businesses launch, grow, and communicate<br />
online.<br />
world<br />
tylerwardis.com<br />
twitter<br />
@tylerwardis<br />
Marriage Rebranded will help you replace four modern<br />
misconceptions about <strong>marriage</strong> with more timeless<br />
perspectives enlightened by biblical, personal, and<br />
historical studies.<br />
ORDER NOW<br />
6
LOVE STIMULATES LOVE<br />
GARY CHAPMAN<br />
Love is a choice.<br />
We can request love, but we cannot demand love. We cannot make our spouse speak<br />
our love language. However, though we can’t control our spouse, we can control our<br />
attitude and our behavior.<br />
The good news is that love stimulates love. And though the object of love is not getting<br />
something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love, it is<br />
a fact that when we receive love, we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate<br />
and do something our spouse desires.<br />
Try this…<br />
Choose an attitude of love. Learn the love language of your spouse and speak it on a<br />
regular basis. Then, three months down the road, you can say to them,<br />
‘On a scale of zero to ten, how much love do<br />
you feel coming from me’<br />
7
Love Stimulates Love<br />
8<br />
If they give you a seven, eight, nine, ten—you’re at the top. Or if they say anything less<br />
than ten, you say,<br />
‘What can I do to bring it up to a ten or bring it up to a nine’<br />
They’ll probably give you a suggestion. To the best of your ability, you do that.<br />
Repeat this process every two weeks by simply asking your spouse what you can do to<br />
love them better, and taking their answer to heart.<br />
There’s a good chance that, before long, they’re going to say, ‘Well, wait a minute here.<br />
I’m turning this around. On a scale of zero to ten, how much love do you feel coming<br />
from me’”<br />
Before you know it, they’ll be working to love you as well as you have loved them.<br />
And that is exactly how love stimulates love.<br />
GARY CHAPMAN<br />
Dr. Gary Chapman’s expertise in <strong>marriage</strong> begins with the success and<br />
failures he and his wife Karolyn have experienced in their <strong>marriage</strong> for<br />
more than 45 years. He is just the man to turn to for help on improving<br />
or healing our most important relationships. His own life experiences,<br />
plus over thirty-five years of pastoring and <strong>marriage</strong> counseling, led<br />
him to publish his first book in the Love Language series, The Five Love<br />
Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Many<br />
of the millions of readers credit this continual New York Times bestseller<br />
with saving their <strong>marriage</strong>s by showing them simple and practical<br />
ways to communicate love.<br />
world www.5lovelanguages.com twitter @garychapman Buy The 5 Love Languages<br />
8
THE “15 SECOND KISS” EXPERIMENT<br />
RYAN FREDERICK<br />
A few weeks back, I met a gentleman at church named Tim. Tim and his wife had<br />
been married many years (I can’t remember exactly, but it was at least 30) and weathered<br />
many trials through their <strong>marriage</strong> (cancer included).<br />
Naturally I asked him what the secret was – as I usually do when I meet someone<br />
with an epic <strong>marriage</strong>. “How have they stuck together through everything”<br />
He simply replied, “The 15 second kiss.”<br />
Intrigued, I asked, “What do you mean“… though I suppose I could have figured it<br />
out.<br />
He responded, “Every day, my wife and I always give each other a 15 second kiss. It’s<br />
long enough that you can’t fake it – it forces us to connect.”<br />
I had never heard of purposefully timing a kiss. It was a novel idea I was anxious to<br />
try!<br />
Now, my wife Selena and I kiss plenty—but we realized that we don’t often kiss for<br />
more than a few seconds. I’m not exactly sure why, but I do know it wasn’t like that<br />
when we were dating. (We made out way too much and for too long when we were<br />
dating…)<br />
9
The "15 Second Kiss" Experiment<br />
10<br />
After my “sales pitch”, Selena and I agreed to try a few days with the “15 second kiss”<br />
rule. Here’s what we learned (or were reminded of )…<br />
1. 15 SECONDS ISN’T THAT LONG… EXCEPT WHEN YOU’RE KISSING.<br />
We burn 15 seconds all the time without thinking about it. We sit on our phones,<br />
daydream, work around the house, you name it – 15 seconds is a short amount of time<br />
for most tasks. However, when you’re kissing and consciously timing it, 15 seconds<br />
seems to be longer. And that’s a good thing!<br />
At first we were both aware of the time because of the novelty of the exercise. It didn’t<br />
take long for us to simply get lost in the kiss. If other couples are like us, we get too<br />
busy to “get lost” doing anything. The 15 second kiss was a refreshing reminder that<br />
we can truly get lost in our affection for one another.<br />
2. IT’S NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO KISS FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD<br />
OF TIME AND NOT FEEL CLOSER.<br />
Kissing is intimate. We found that as we “got lost” in the kiss, we were getting lost<br />
together. And when we were lost together we truly found each other. (Oh, that sounds<br />
poetic…)<br />
Kissing makes us feel closer; and since we always want to feel closer it makes sense to<br />
make purposed kissing a daily part of our lives.<br />
3. IT REFOCUSED US ON “WHO” WE ARE TO EACH OTHER.<br />
My wife is my best friend. When you’re “kissably-close” to your spouse, smelling their<br />
breath, feeling their skin, you remember who they are as a person. It’s easy to begin<br />
seeing your spouse as a roommate or casual partner, but kissing reminds us of the<br />
distinctly human qualities (good and bad) that we fell in love with in the first place.<br />
Kissing forces us to drown out distractions around us. We had to consciously tune<br />
everything else out and focus solely on each other – something we can all agree we<br />
need more of.<br />
10
The "15 Second Kiss" Experiment<br />
11<br />
4. KISSING IS A GATEWAY DRUG.<br />
Kissing contributes to overall friskiness. We are both… ahem… more “intimacy<br />
minded” after the 15 second kisses than we are before.<br />
5. KISSING REFRESHES AND ENERGIZES US.<br />
Perhaps it’s just the friskiness, or maybe something else, but kissing is like an adrenaline<br />
shot. We both feel excited and energized after a 15 second kiss.<br />
Try for yourselves!<br />
Whether you and your spouse are constant kissers or even if you’ve forgotten what a<br />
french kiss is, I highly recommend giving this exercise a shot. Feel free to go longer<br />
than 15 seconds, but certainly don’t go shorter – at least not until you try it a few<br />
times.<br />
I’m confident it will have a positive impact on your relationship with your spouse.<br />
RYAN FREDERICK<br />
Ryan & Selena Frederick have been married for nearly 11 years; they<br />
certainly don’t know everything about <strong>marriage</strong> but what they do know,<br />
they share with brutal transparency. Their blog, Fierce Marriage, is<br />
a resource for young couples looking to build a meaningful, lifelong<br />
<strong>marriage</strong> with Christ at the absolute center.<br />
world fierce<strong>marriage</strong>.com<br />
twitter @fierce<strong>marriage</strong><br />
11
MARRIAGE ISN’T JUST A CHOICE<br />
DANNY SILK<br />
It was June 16th, 1984—my wedding day. The main event had arrived at last.<br />
Sheri, my bride, faced me as we stood between Pastor Bill Johnson and our guests, ready to<br />
pledge lifelong devotion and love to one another. Moments before, Bill and his wife, Beni,<br />
had sung a beautiful duet, preparing a perfect atmosphere for the exchange of solemn<br />
vows. Then Bill turned to me and began to ask the old, weighty questions, leading me<br />
through the promises to be faithful through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, till<br />
death do us part.<br />
Finally, Bill asked me,<br />
“Do you choose Sheri as your wife for as long as you shall live”<br />
“I. Do.”<br />
Little did I know the significance of what I had just said. Like anyone else on his or her<br />
wedding day, I really had no idea what I was signing up for when I chose Sheri. Only as I<br />
journeyed through the first twelve years of our <strong>marriage</strong>, which challenged and invited me<br />
to hold to that choice again and again, in the most difficult of circumstances, would I come<br />
to understand that speaking these words had ushered me into the test of a lifetime.<br />
We echoed this language later in our wedding ceremony, when we exchanged rings. After I<br />
put the gold band on Sheri’s finger, Bill asked me to repeat a further set of vows.<br />
12
Marriage isn't just a choice<br />
13<br />
“My chosen, Sheri,” he began, “with this ring I commit my life to you…”<br />
“My chosen, Sheri.”<br />
To this day, I use this phrase to communicate my most intimate and devoted message<br />
to my wife. Every time she hears these three words, she lights up. It’s as though I have<br />
pumped fresh blood into the connection we established on that day nearly thirty years ago,<br />
easing her anxieties and administering a life-giving dose of comfort, affection, and security<br />
to her heart.<br />
These words remind her that I not only chose her on our wedding day, but that I also<br />
continued to choose her, even through the rough early years of our <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
Yes, there were times in those years—too many times—when I wrestled with that choice<br />
and how to play it out. I even considered going back on that choice on a few occasions. But<br />
each time, I returned to the words I had spoken. I now know that I will always do so, no<br />
matter what.<br />
I’ve signed numerous notes and cards with “My chosen, Sheri” to remind her of that<br />
choice— and to remind myself as well. Those words may have ushered me into the test<br />
of a lifetime, but they also brought me through it. Holding to them is what taught me to<br />
keep on loving, even when everything in me wanted to quit.<br />
Marriage isn’t just a choice. It’s choosing the same person a million times.<br />
DANNY SILK<br />
Danny Silk serves on the Senior Leadership Team of both Bethel Church in<br />
Redding, CA and Jesus Culture in Sacramento, CA. He is the President and<br />
Co-Founder of Loving on Purpose a ministry to families and communities<br />
worldwide. Danny is also the author of four books: Culture of Honor,<br />
Loving our Kids on Purpose, Powerful and Free and the top selling Keep<br />
Your Love On. Danny and Sheri married in 1984, and have three children<br />
and three grandchildren.<br />
Buy Loving on Purpose<br />
twitter @dannyleesilk<br />
13
7 SECRETS OF HAPPY MARRIAGES<br />
JENNA MCCARTHY<br />
I have a remarkably happy <strong>marriage</strong> and people ask me all the time what our “secret”<br />
is. (Not as often as they ask me about autism, vaccines and Jim Carrey, so let’s get<br />
something straight before we go any further: I. Am. Not. Her.)<br />
I used to wonder if our spousal success had something to do with pheromones or<br />
astrology or compatible blood types, but after fourteen years of marital mostly-bliss,<br />
I am convinced the key is some combination of kindness, respect and my ability to<br />
read a road map upside down; perhaps divided by my husband’s ability to tune out my<br />
nagging.<br />
Okay, fine. We got lucky.<br />
But seriously, there are researchers who spend their entire lives trying to figure out<br />
why one out of every two <strong>marriage</strong>s ends with the division of assets, and because I<br />
write books on the subject, I follow their studies closely.<br />
It turns out, the couples who make it all the way to side-by-side cemetery plots share a<br />
few similarities beyond “they don’t have sex with other people” (although that’s certainly<br />
a solid start).<br />
14
7 Secrets of Happy Marriages<br />
15<br />
Based on a totally arbitrary review of the available research, I have outlined seven of<br />
my favorite, scientifically proven* secrets of happily married couples, in no particular<br />
order:<br />
1. THE WIFE IS THINNER AND BETTER LOOKING THAN THE HUSBAND.<br />
At first this makes no sense at all. What’s so blissful about being married to someone<br />
who is relatively fat and ugly But think about it: ONE of you has to be thinner and<br />
better looking, and women tend to care a great deal about both of these things. Men,<br />
on the other hand, tend to care a great deal about having sex, ideally with women who<br />
are thinner and better looking than they are. So really, it’s a win-win.<br />
2. HAPPY HUSBANDS AND WIVES DON’T WATCH CHICK FLICKS.<br />
Seems that after sitting through Sleepless in Seattle (or any other rom-com), relationship<br />
dissatisfaction tends to skyrocket. This isn’t all that surprising. After all, when<br />
you realize it (whatever “it” is) could happen to you, but it hasn’t, and probably never<br />
will, and that fat man never sprinkled rose petals on your bed, dangit—of course<br />
you’re disenchanted.<br />
Conversely, if you watch a nice horror flick together instead, presumably you’ll walk<br />
away just feeling lucky your partner isn’t a psycho axe-murderer or possessed by<br />
demons. (I’m going to go out on a limb and guess it was a man who pioneered this<br />
research.)<br />
3. SHE NEVER WINS A BEST-ACTRESS OSCAR.<br />
If watching movies is bad, successfully starring in them is even worse. Women who<br />
win this prestigious award are far more likely to divorce than those who don’t. They<br />
actually call it the “Oscar curse.” One theory is that some men can’t handle their<br />
wives’ success and fame; another camp believes that getting that little gold statue gives<br />
women the confidence to leave already-bad <strong>marriage</strong>s.<br />
I’m not about to hypothesize about causation here; I only included this one because<br />
unlike getting hotter or having your jaw wired shut or forsaking your favorite movie<br />
genre for the rest of ever, not winning a best actress Oscar is pretty painless and doable.<br />
Personally, I am going to make this a priority in my <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
15
7 Secrets of Happy Marriages<br />
16<br />
4. HE DOES MORE CHORES THAN SHE DOES, AND SHE<br />
TALKS LESS THAN HE DOES.<br />
Women are universally better about housework, so obviously the more often he mops/<br />
sweeps/dusts, the more content she is. (See “happy wife, happy life,” in your dictionary).<br />
And I have to admit, if you asked my husband the top three things I could do to<br />
make him happier, “shut the hell up for five lousy minutes” would probably be on the<br />
list. So there’s that.<br />
5. HAPPY COUPLES FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES.<br />
There are, after all, dozens of ways of looking at virtually any situation. Your husband<br />
lost his job Now he finally has time to install that damn ceiling fan you bought three<br />
years ago. When he gains a few pounds, instead of pointing out his growing gut or<br />
suggesting he go for a run, there’s always this option: “Wow, honey, thanks for going<br />
out of your way to make me relatively thinner.” If you really try, you can put a positive<br />
spin on just about anything.<br />
6. THEY LIMIT THEIR BOOZE CONSUMPTION.<br />
Marital unhappiness seems to be directly related to a couple’s collective alcohol intake.<br />
On the other hand, like I mentioned, my husband and I are almost ridiculously happy<br />
so you probably shouldn’t believe everything you read.<br />
7. HAPPY MATES DRIVE A CAR WHOSE WINDOWS DON’T ROLL DOWN.<br />
I haven’t technically seen a study on this, but every couple I know fights about this<br />
pretty much every single time they ride in a vehicle together: She wants the windows<br />
up and he gets all pissed off and accuses her of being more concerned about her hair<br />
than his precious need for fresh, outside air in his face; and then whoever is driving<br />
locks the windows in their preferred position and they sit in stony silence for the rest<br />
of the drive (and possibly several days afterward). I think I’m onto something here.<br />
So there you have it.<br />
16
7 Secrets of Happy Marriages<br />
17<br />
I suggest couples start slowly and don’t try to master all seven secrets at once. For<br />
instance, if she takes a vow of silence or stops doing housework altogether in an effort<br />
to tilt his portion of the ratio toward more, she’ll have a lot of extra time on her hands<br />
which she may want to spend drinking alcohol or watching romantic comedies.<br />
Remember, there’s no rush here. Till death do us part is a really long time.<br />
*I may have butchered the language a bit in some cases but the facts are mostly accurate.<br />
JENNA MCCARTHY<br />
Jenna McCarthy is a TED speaker, former radio personality and the<br />
author of several books including If It Was Easy They’d Call the Whole<br />
Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living with and Loving the TV-Addicted,<br />
Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married. (Please note that it says<br />
the blah-blah-blah man you married, not the one she married. Her<br />
husband likes it when she points that out). You can find out more about<br />
Jenna and see her in the bathtub by visiting her website.<br />
world www.jennamccarthy.com<br />
twitter @jennamccarthy<br />
17
3 THINGS I WISH I KNEW BEFORE I<br />
GOT MARRIED<br />
TYLER WARD<br />
I used to think I had my stuff together. Then I got married.<br />
Marriage is great—but it rocked everything I knew. I quickly realized my basic goal in<br />
life, prior to getting married, was to simply remain undisturbed.<br />
This “disruption” came suddenly and was disguised as a 5-foot-nothing Swedish-Filipino<br />
woman. When I decided I’d rather not live without her, I proceeded to ask her to<br />
marry me—that is, to officially invite someone who wasn’t me to be in my personal<br />
space for the rest of my life.<br />
This decision introduced my most significant experiences and most challenging experiences—none<br />
of which I would trade for the world.<br />
However, I wish I’d had a bit more insight on the front end of our <strong>marriage</strong> to help me<br />
navigate it all.<br />
According to most research, up to 50 percent of people who say “I do” will not be<br />
sleeping in the same bed eight years from now. And though Scripture alludes to the<br />
fact that adultery and abuse may be reasons individuals might end a <strong>marriage</strong>, I’d be<br />
willing to bet that most challenges experienced in <strong>marriage</strong> are the result of<br />
18
3 things i wish i knew before we got married<br />
19<br />
unawareness. Most people—myself included—jump into <strong>marriage</strong> with suitcases full<br />
of misconceptions and bad theology, entirely unaware of the unique beauty and paradoxical<br />
intentions of <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
The following are three thoughts on <strong>marriage</strong> that friends and mentors have shared<br />
with me. I remind myself of them often in hopes of keeping this anomaly called <strong>marriage</strong><br />
both enjoyable and healthy.<br />
1. MARRIAGE IS NOT ABOUT LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER.<br />
Here’s the truth: I get annoyed at my wife. But this is more a reflection of me than her.<br />
I’m intensely certain that nothing in life has ever made me more angry, frustrated or<br />
annoyed than my wife. Inevitably, just when I think I’ve given all I can possibly give,<br />
she somehow finds a way to ask for more.<br />
The worst part of it all is that her demands aren’t unreasonable. One day she expects<br />
me to stay emotionally engaged. The next, she’s looking for me to validate the way<br />
that she feels. The list goes on—but never ventures far from things she perfectly well<br />
deserves as a wife.<br />
Unfortunately for her, deserving or not, her needs often compete with my self-focus. I<br />
know it shouldn’t be this way, but I am selfish and stubborn and, overall, human.<br />
I once read a book that alluded to the idea that <strong>marriage</strong> is the fire of life—that somehow<br />
it’s designed to refine all our dysfunction and spur us into progressive wholeness.<br />
In this light, contrary to popular opinion, the goal of <strong>marriage</strong> is not happiness. And<br />
although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, <strong>marriage</strong><br />
has a far more significant purpose in sight. It is designed to pull dysfunction to the<br />
surface of our lives, set it on fire and help us grow.<br />
When we’re willing to see it this way, then the points of friction in our <strong>marriage</strong>s<br />
quickly become gifts that consistently invite us into a more whole and fulfilling experience<br />
of life.<br />
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3 things i wish i knew before we got married<br />
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2. THE MORE YOU GIVE TO MARRIAGE, THE MORE IT GIVES BACK.<br />
Over the past year, a few friends and I have had an open conversation about the highs<br />
and lows of <strong>marriage</strong>—specifically how to make the most of the high times and avoid<br />
the low ones. Along the way, we happened upon a derailing hypothesis that goes<br />
something like this:<br />
If one makes their husband or wife priority number one, all other areas of life benefit.<br />
It’s a disorienting claim. Disorienting, because it protests my deeper persuasion that<br />
success as an entrepreneur, or any professional, requires that career takes the throne of<br />
my priorities and remain there for, at the very least, a couple of years.<br />
However, seeing that my recent pattern of caring about work over <strong>marriage</strong> had produced<br />
little more than paying bills and a miserable wife, I figured giving the philosophy<br />
a test drive couldn’t hurt.<br />
For 31 days, I intentionally put my wife first over everything else, and then I tracked<br />
how it worked. I created a metric for these purposes, to mark our relationship as<br />
priority, and then my effectiveness in all other areas of my life on the same scale,<br />
including career productivity and general quality of life.<br />
To my surprise, a month later, I had a chart of data and a handful of ironic experiences<br />
to prove that the more you give to <strong>marriage</strong>, the more it gives back.<br />
Notably, on the days my wife genuinely felt valued, I observed her advocating for me<br />
to invest deeply in to my work. She no longer saw our relationship and my career<br />
pursuits as competitors for my attention, and as she partnered with me in my career, I<br />
have experienced the benefits of having the closest person in my life champion me.<br />
Of course, <strong>marriage</strong> requires sacrifice. And sometimes it will feel as if it takes and<br />
takes. However, when we return <strong>marriage</strong> to its rightful place in our priorities, it can<br />
quickly turn from something we have to maintain and sacrifice for into the greatest<br />
asset to every other layer of our lives.<br />
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3 things i wish i knew before we got married<br />
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3. MARRIAGE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD.<br />
John Medina, the author of Brain Rules and a molecular biologist, is often approached<br />
by men looking for the silver bullet of fathering. In one way or another, they all come<br />
around to asking, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father”<br />
Medina’s answer alludes to a surprising truth.<br />
In my previously mentioned experiment, I measured the effect that making my <strong>marriage</strong><br />
priority number one had on different areas of my life. One of those areas was my<br />
16-month-old son’s behavior.<br />
What I found in simply charting my observations was that the majority of the time,<br />
my child’s behavior was directly affected by the level of intention I invested in my<br />
<strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
Re-enter John Medina, the Christian biologist. After years of biological research and<br />
several books on parenting conclusions, what is his answer to the question, “What’s<br />
the most important thing I can do as a father”<br />
“Go home and love your wife.”<br />
Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, the authors of Babywise, say it this way: “A healthy<br />
<strong>marriage</strong> creates an infused stability within the family and a haven of security for a<br />
child in their development process.” They go on to sum up their years of research by<br />
saying, “In the end, great <strong>marriage</strong>s produce great parents.”<br />
The point is that <strong>marriage</strong> has a higher goal than to make two people happy or even<br />
whole. Yes, the investment we make into our <strong>marriage</strong> pays dividends for us. But,<br />
concluded by Medina and his colleagues, the same investment also has significant<br />
implications for our family, our community and eventually our culture.<br />
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3 things i wish i knew before we got married<br />
22<br />
So men, women, the next time you find yourself dreaming about living significantly<br />
or succeeding in your career or being a better parent than yours were to you, do the<br />
world a favor: Go home and love your wife. Go home and and love your husband.<br />
*This article was originally published on RelevantMagazine.com & has been transposed<br />
into a larger book, Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art of Loving<br />
Another Person.<br />
TYLER WARD<br />
TYLER WARD’s articles on lifestyle, <strong>marriage</strong>, and religion—which have<br />
been enjoyed by millions—have led him to recently release his first<br />
book, Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art<br />
of Loving Another Person.<br />
Married with two kids, TYLER calls Nashville home. His day job involves<br />
helping early stage businesses launch, grow, and communicate<br />
online.<br />
world<br />
tylerwardis.com twitter @tylerwardis Buy Marriage Rebranded<br />
22
WHO NEEDS HANDCUFFS<br />
How to REALLY spice things up in the bedroom<br />
GARY THOMAS<br />
“Talk about world domination!”<br />
My wife was in a busy season, so I purposefully planned an evening I knew she would<br />
enjoy—dinner at a Jazz Club, followed by an evening of romance. I intentionally let<br />
the sexual energy smolder throughout the day. Well before dinnertime, Lisa finally<br />
suggested, “Why don’t we just get on with it, already” but I simply smiled at her and<br />
thought, “Not a chance.”<br />
On the way to the club, I filled up her gas tank because I know Lisa hates to fill up her<br />
gas tank and she was going to be driving the next day. That may not sound so sexually<br />
enticing, but it’s not up to us men to determine what constitutes foreplay. Trust me,<br />
men—something like that can do wonders; it builds the mood. It makes your wife<br />
think, “He’s taking care of me.” A spiritually healthy wife who feels taken care of is<br />
supernaturally predisposed to take care of you.<br />
The “dinner” (iceberg lettuce masquerading as a salad, poorly cooked chicken covered<br />
with gravy, instant mashed potatoes) was a bit of a disaster given Lisa’s organic bent,<br />
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Who Needs Handcuffs<br />
24<br />
but she loved the music and atmosphere. At one point, we were the only white people<br />
in the club.<br />
My small touches during the dinner were deliberate, but nothing scandalous. If<br />
someone from our church had been sitting right behind us, they wouldn’t have even<br />
noticed, but I’ve been married to Lisa for 29 years and pretty much know how, even<br />
in public, I can slowly bring her to a boiling point with slight caresses that no one<br />
watching could possibly take offense to or even notice. A simple touch in just the<br />
right place, a slight moving of her hair can bring to mind past memories and a future<br />
promise packed with impending pleasure.<br />
When we got home, I knew what I was going to do, and I did it. It wasn’t anything<br />
grand, just intentional and thoughtful, and it showed a little preparation. Within<br />
minutes Lisa was lying back saying, “Talk about world domination!”<br />
What she meant was “You have conquered me. Do what you will.”<br />
The Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy has been discussed by more Christian bloggers than<br />
could be counted, but my thoughts are a little simpler:<br />
Men, if you need handcuffs and ropes to make your wife feel the enticement of full<br />
surrender, you’re probably doing it wrong.<br />
Try studying her, getting to know her moods and total body—not just three parts that<br />
we typically focus on, but everything.<br />
Try kindness, on a daily basis.<br />
Try spiritual connection—make sure she knows she’s supported in prayer.<br />
Try years of giving pleasure unselfishly so that she knows, once everything gets started,<br />
she’s going to be carried away by your touches, not used by your demands.<br />
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Who Needs Handcuffs<br />
25<br />
Try taking care of her kids, and taking care of her.<br />
Try thinking about how you’re going to exceed her expectations.<br />
If you study your wife and then apply all this, you’ll come to a place when you never<br />
need handcuffs—what you’ve got is much stronger, more exciting and more fulfilling.<br />
My wife’s take is that women would be less inclined to read about sex with an imaginary<br />
billionaire if they were fully enjoying real sex with a thoughtful husband. She’s<br />
not saying if your wife is reading Fifty Shades that you’re a poor lover—just that it<br />
might be a symptom that things have started to slide in the bedroom.<br />
“I don’t think most women want pain or the kind of sex described in those books,”<br />
Lisa told me. “I just think they want something a little more creative than what<br />
they’re getting.”<br />
Beware of short-term cheap substitutes that are never as satisfying. A guy can’t get his<br />
wife excited, so he looks at porn to watch some other guy get a woman excited.<br />
A man can’t get his wife to the place of appropriate surrender, so he resorts to silly<br />
things like handcuffs and ropes and not-so-silly things like pain to bring a little<br />
“spice” into the bedroom.<br />
I’m not into constructing lists of “do’s and don’ts.” I don’t want to marginalize something<br />
that you and your wife have truly enjoyed, so please don’t take this the wrong<br />
way. I’m just saying that long-term sexual satisfaction in <strong>marriage</strong> has to go well beyond<br />
gimmicks. If you want to use a gimmick now and then, fine—it’s your <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
But if you think something like that is going to sustain you through the years, you’re<br />
fooling yourself.<br />
For long-term satisfaction, study your wife, not just a few parts of her body. Build<br />
years of trust with kind touching and generous pleasuring. Let her know that if she<br />
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WHO NEEDS HANDCUFFS<br />
26<br />
lets herself go in your hands, you’ll make her momentarily forget everything bad going<br />
on in her life and feel everything good. If you can’t get her excited in public, fully<br />
clothed, if you need to get her “naked and handcuffed” to feel like things are getting<br />
hot, you probably don’t know her well enough yet.<br />
And guys, it’s perfectly holy and God-honoring to think about how to sexually please<br />
and thrill your wife. It’s far better to fantasize about ways to take your wife to a new<br />
place of pleasure than to spend one second fantasizing about any other woman.<br />
GARY THOMAS<br />
Gary Thomas’ writing and speaking focuses on bringing people closer to<br />
Christ and closer to others. He holds a Master’s degree in Systematic<br />
Theology from Regent College and an honorary Doctor of Divinity<br />
from Western Seminary. As the author of over 15 books, including the<br />
best-seller Sacred Marriage, Gary serves as writer in residence at Second<br />
Baptist Church, Houston, and as an adjunct faculty member at Western<br />
Seminary in Portland, Oregon. His most recent book is “The Sacred<br />
Search: What If It’s Not About Who You Marry, but Why” Gary and his<br />
wife Lisa have been married for 30 years and have three children.<br />
world<br />
garythomas.com<br />
twitter @garyLthomas<br />
26
LEARNING TO BE NAKED<br />
WITHOUT FEAR<br />
The first step towards true intimacy<br />
CHRISTA BLACK<br />
As my husband Lucas turned up the volume on our television that particular day in August<br />
2007, his efforts to drown out the lawn mower next door did little to drown out the<br />
worried thoughts screaming inside my head.<br />
For years, I’d been a touring musician, traveling the world and playing with all sorts of<br />
artists—the most recent being Christian music legend Michael W. Smith. In an attempt to<br />
be a newlywed who wasn’t leaving on a tour bus every few days, we made the decision<br />
that I’d quit traveling to enjoy this new <strong>marriage</strong> situation. But with neither of us bringing<br />
in steady income, our choice also left us enjoying an old upstairs apartment with low ceilings,<br />
a collection of donated furniture, bright pink carpet that reeked of cigarette smoke,<br />
stacks of unpaid bills, and a kitchen stocked with packets of Ramen Noodles.<br />
That day in August as I cuddled up to my fabulous—but very broke—new husband on our<br />
second-hand couch, the strength of his arms around me wasn’t making the anxiety of our<br />
present financial situation go away. Before I was even conscious of the downward spiral,<br />
questions about our unknown future had poisoned my heart like a plague. I found myself<br />
drowning inside very real, very crippling fear.<br />
What if we can’t pay rent this month<br />
What if our only car goes on the brink<br />
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Learning to Be Naked Without Fear<br />
28<br />
What if our cell phones get shut off <br />
What if I don’t start touring again. Will we be able to eat this month<br />
“Babe,” I said with an attempted smile, “I’m just going to run to the bathroom for a minute.”<br />
I lifted his arm off of my shoulder and acted like I was headed back to the loo, then<br />
made a quick detour into our little kitchen. I’ve had years of practice at sneaking food<br />
to medicate the pain inside my heart. So it was with great expertise I quietly opened the<br />
fridge and began my usual routine, devouring anything and everything I could find.<br />
We didn’t have much in stock, but whatever we had, I was going to destroy as fast as I<br />
could. Then I would return to his unsuspecting arms, acting as if nothing had ever happened.<br />
When Lucas married me, he knew I had struggled with an eating disorder in the past. He<br />
knew I’d been admitted to inpatient treatment with years of counseling under my belt.<br />
He even knew that, when the pain of life became uncontrollable, sometimes food was the<br />
one thing I still attempted to control. Every once in a blue moon, I’d finally let him in and<br />
confess a bingeing episode, long after the binge was over with. But most times, I was far<br />
too embarrassed about my food addiction to fully disclose all the ugly details.<br />
So there I was, shoving an oversized bite of leftovers into my mouth—noodles still hanging<br />
out and dripping down my chin—when I froze suddenly. Someone was behind me. Someone<br />
was watching me. Someone was seeing my shame—was seeing the one thing that<br />
made me completely unlovable, or so I believed. I turned around slowly, dreading the look<br />
of disgust I was sure to see, the judgment, the fury of hatred—the same hatred I had for<br />
myself.<br />
But far from condemnation, this new husband of mine had something on his face I never<br />
expected to see. He was grinning ear to ear.<br />
Pulling himself up backwards onto the counter and popping open a bag of chips, he looked<br />
into my eyes with the same love I’d seen on the day we made our vows to one another. He<br />
looked at this bingeing wife with the same affection he had when he looked at his spotless<br />
bride dressed in white.<br />
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Learning to be naked without fear<br />
29<br />
“Baby,” he said quietly. “If you need to binge, I’m going to binge with you.<br />
I don’t want you do it alone anymore.”<br />
Something powerful happened to us in that moment: two became one.<br />
Marriage gives two people the difficult but incredible opportunity to be completely naked<br />
in front of each other—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The problem is, most of us<br />
have parts of our lives we’re terrified of anyone seeing. But if full exposure isn’t allowed, if<br />
we’re not able to reveal everything about ourselves (good, bad and ugly) within the covenant<br />
of <strong>marriage</strong>, true intimacy can never happen.<br />
Intimacy means “in-to-me-see”—see everything, and love me anyway.<br />
When I first got married to my husband, I truly believed certain parts of my life made<br />
me unlovable. I believed that if he saw everything, he would hate me as much as I hated<br />
myself. But <strong>marriage</strong> isn’t about perfect people finding a perfect mate. It’s about two imperfect<br />
souls coming together as one, making a covenant to stick around when the ugly<br />
parts get exposed, and then loving each other with grace and understanding while helping<br />
each other walk into wholeness.<br />
Just like Lucas did that day when he caught me bingeing.<br />
You see, something healed inside my heart in August 2007 when I was forced to be naked<br />
in front of my husband, exposing the shame of my addiction. Instead of being rejected, as<br />
I had feared—instead of being yelled at, judged or condemned—he had done the exact opposite.<br />
He looked at me inside of my dirty pigpen, sat down, kissed my shameful wounds,<br />
and committed to walk beside me—no matter the outcome.<br />
His love that day wasn’t laced with an agenda for me to change—but the amazing thing<br />
about love is, it ends up changing everything anyway.<br />
In the days and months that followed, our financial situation didn’t improve much. But<br />
when the anxiety began to rise up like a monster, I had a new place to run—I could run<br />
into the arms of love. When insecurities and fears would surface and expose even more<br />
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Learning to be naked without fear<br />
30<br />
ugly behaviors, I knew I had a man who had made a covenant to love me—all of me—no<br />
matter how messy it got.<br />
Within that covenant, I was finally safe to let my walls down and be seen.<br />
As he saw, he loved.<br />
As he loved, I changed.<br />
As I changed, we were both set free.<br />
For the rest of our lives, Lucas and I have the great privilege of subjecting ourselves to<br />
vulnerability—even as all sorts of behaviors, fears, and insecurities are revealed. We’ve put<br />
all our secrets on the table, knowing that intimacy can only happen when everything is<br />
in the light. We’ve wrapped ourselves in the unending circle of a covenant, committing to<br />
love the good along with the bad.<br />
And now, the nakedness I once feared continues to expose my heart to the safe harbor of<br />
healing love.<br />
CHRISTA BLACK<br />
Christa Black is a popular blogger, speaker, multi-platinum selling<br />
songwriter, and author of God Loves Ugly.<br />
She had her first number 1 hit as a songwriter when Passion’s version of<br />
One Thing Remains topped the charts in both 2012 and 2013. She has<br />
also toured as a musician with The Jonas Brothers, Michael W. Smith,<br />
and Jordin Sparks, was a keynote speaker on Women of Faith’s Revolve<br />
Tour, and her blogs have been featured on Best Of Huffington Post.<br />
world www.christablack.com<br />
twitter @christablack<br />
30
MARRIAGE IS MADE FOR YOU<br />
Why there is no one-size-fits-all approach to <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
WILLIAM PAUL YOUNG<br />
Matrix – Urban Dictionary – “A computer-generated dream world built to keep us under control in<br />
order to change a human-being into a battery.”<br />
I confess I am one of those ‘religious folk’ who grew up reading the Scriptures more to<br />
resolve my internal guilty-conscience than to learn or hear anything. For some of us, years<br />
of absence from the legalism of ‘quiet time’ has allowed our give-a-damns time to heal<br />
and awaken desires for exploration emerging from the inside. Interactions with voices<br />
of intelligent kindness and compelling authenticity—outside our own experience and<br />
traditions—blew fresh breath into the smoke of our confusion and disdain. They fanned<br />
embers of careful curiosity into Cheshire-grin acknowledgement that we had missed<br />
something ‘good.’<br />
Turns out we are in a relationship with a God who by nature submits. And somewhere<br />
near the center of God’s relentless affection for you and me is submission to the brokenness<br />
in our hearts, souls, and minds. This is not a selfless submission on his part, but a<br />
self-giving. His submission is respectful of both the wonder of this high-order creation<br />
that is a human being, and of their capacity for self-deception and lie-enshrouded power<br />
to devastate.<br />
Ask any parent who has even a modicum of health about their love for their child and<br />
you will be told that this love is unconditional, dependent on, and originating in the one<br />
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Marriage is Made for You<br />
32<br />
loving. However, relationship—the mystery of how this love is expressed—is not unconditional,<br />
nor would we ever want it to be.<br />
When a person dies, while it may not affect your love for them, I guarantee it will affect<br />
your relationship with them. By its very nature, a real relationship creates a space of<br />
interaction in which knowing the ‘other’ and their choices, character, and circumstance<br />
actually matters. Relationship, by its nature, means the other can say ‘no’, or believe a lie,<br />
or be involved in accidents, or struggle with illness or addiction, or kiss you, or refuse to<br />
talk, or hide secrets, or leave you a note or express kindness, or forgive, or put up and take<br />
down walls.<br />
But we human beings generally are a fearful lot, embedding our drive for certainty in<br />
expressions of power rather than in the risk of trust and relationship. We create (dream<br />
up) institutional systems and organizations of hierarchical power—be they religious, social,<br />
ideological, political, educational, financial etc—in order to extend our desperate need to<br />
control.<br />
Sadly, as these systems evolve, they often use human beings as batteries. We created the<br />
Matrix and without the empowering presence of human beings, any Matrix has less life<br />
than a rock. Even with the best of intentions, the Matrix is still the Matrix. We have populated<br />
the entire planet with them—including the Sabbath.<br />
One day, a group of Matrix guardians arranged a little meeting with Jesus, ostensibly to air<br />
specific grievances they were having with the motley crew of undisciplined and uneducated<br />
disciples following Jesus. Seems this rag-tag gang of malcontents weren’t very good at<br />
keeping the rules that had long been part of the Sabbath Matrix.<br />
The religious systems forming around Sacred Scriptures had effectively reduced the Word<br />
of God to a set of defensible propositions—in this particular instance revolving around<br />
the very holy subject of the day of God’s rest. The Sabbath Matrix had been developed over<br />
centuries and had become increasingly complex—complete with roles, expectations and<br />
duties, and provided a significant element of job-security for the experts.<br />
Keep in mind that Jesus is God comfortable inside his own skin. And Jesus cares as much<br />
for these ‘protectors of the Holy’ as he does for all those who have been turned into batteries.<br />
So, with a twinkle in his eye, and in one sentence, he dismantles the entire cosmos as<br />
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Marriage is Made for You<br />
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we have known it and reveals that the matrix’s we have built are fundamentally a lie.<br />
“The Human Being was not made for (to serve) the Sabbath, the Sabbath was made for (to<br />
serve) the Human Being!”<br />
Did you see it, or did you only feel it Everything changed in this moment.<br />
The Human Being was not made for (to serve) the Matrix; any Matrix is made for (to serve)<br />
the Human Being.<br />
The Human Being was not made for (to serve the Matrix of…) Marriage, Marriage was<br />
made for (to serve) the Human Being.<br />
There are many who try to hand us a one-size-fits all approach to this very unique relationship<br />
with a spouse. After all, we are well adept at creating matrixs—and the rules of<br />
engagement for each.<br />
However.<br />
Marriage—as a matrix—exists to serve you and your spouse. And for it to serve you well,<br />
it’s best practices and proposed mindsets must be authentic expressions of who you uniquely<br />
are—and they must change as you change.<br />
WILLIAM PAUL YOUNG<br />
William Paul Young is the author of “The Shack.” Selling over 18 million<br />
copies, this first project of his has led him to writing “Crossroads.”<br />
world wmpaulyoung.com<br />
Buy Crossroads<br />
33
FOREVER, A DAY AT A TIME<br />
The trick to building a sustainable <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
CHANCE SCOGGINS<br />
Apart from my parents, no one in my life has demonstrated to me the best of what love<br />
and <strong>marriage</strong> can be more than our friends, Mike and Nancy. In a hundred ways, they’ve<br />
given Jennifer and me something to reach for. So I took it seriously when Mike sat me<br />
down one night and said,<br />
“Chance, you’re changing and you’re about to screw up the best thing that’s ever happened<br />
to you.”<br />
Jennifer and I were dating. I had my eyes on a ring and was dreaming of how I might ask<br />
her to marry me. But I also happened to have several friends at the time who were not<br />
only divorcing—they were ripping each other to shreds in the process. These were people<br />
I knew well and loved deeply. I’d even stood in a couple of their weddings. I thought their<br />
<strong>marriage</strong>s would last forever; we all did. But now they were making an enemy of the one<br />
they promised to love most.<br />
It was hard to watch, and it took a big toll on me.<br />
As a result, I began pulling away from Jennifer – guarding my heart, putting up a barrier<br />
between us, trying to protect myself and living out of a fear born of someone else’s mistakes.<br />
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35<br />
Mike knew me well enough he could tell what was going on. One day, he grabbed me by<br />
the shoe that was propped over one of my legs as he passed my chair, smiled and said,<br />
“Those are some cold feet you’ve got there. What’s going on with you Tell me what you’re afraid of.”<br />
I knew I was about to get some answers, so I was honest with him. I unloaded all of my<br />
doubts and at the end, I asked him, “How can I be sure we’ll last forever”<br />
His response surprised me.<br />
He said, “You can’t. You can only be sure it’s going to last forever... a day at a time. You<br />
make it to forever, bit by bit.”<br />
I’ll admit. It was a good answer—but not good enough. “Okay, but how can I trust that<br />
who she is today is who she’ll be down the road How do I know she won’t destroy my<br />
heart someday…or that I won’t destroy hers”<br />
“That’s the wrong question, Chance. That question will keep you from ever fully trusting<br />
or committing, in or out of <strong>marriage</strong>. You should be asking, can I trust her heart today<br />
Can she trust mine today Then, do what it takes to be able to answer yes. You ask today,<br />
and again tomorrow and the day after that… That’s how you get to forever.”<br />
All of that seemed good and true, but it still wasn’t enough for me. I desperately wanted<br />
some sort of guarantee I couldn’t get.<br />
The next words out of Mike’s mouth have become a compass for me. They’re simple, so<br />
don’t miss the gift they carry. He said,<br />
“Chance, you want a guarantee I’ll guarantee you this. 100% of the time that <strong>marriage</strong>s<br />
get in trouble, it starts with people saying to themselves: ‘My needs aren’t being met. She’s<br />
overlooking me. He’s not doing enough. I deserve better.’ Once you start looking at things<br />
in terms of what you are or aren’t getting, you’re on a dangerous road.”<br />
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Forever a Day at a time<br />
36<br />
Even considering the words as I write them makes my heart beat a little faster. Something<br />
in me wants to argue the point, and something else tells me it’s true.<br />
“You wanna know why Nancy and I have something few people have” he asked.<br />
“Here’s our secret. Every day I wake up and I ask myself, ‘How can I serve her today What<br />
does she need What can I do to make her life better’ Something always comes to mind,<br />
and I do it.”<br />
“That can’t be true, Mike” I argued. “You don’t actually do that every day, do you Wouldn’t<br />
that just make you a servant or a door mat”<br />
“I absolutely do. And you’re right, it could make me a doormat…if I were the only one asking<br />
the question. But the thing is, she does the same thing. She wakes up and asks herself,<br />
‘How can I serve him today What does he need What can I do to make his life better’<br />
Something comes to mind and she does it.”<br />
“Everyday”<br />
“Every single day, for more than 30 amazing years with the love of my life. Both of us are<br />
adored and our needs are being met, but neither of us is focused on getting what we want<br />
or deserve. There’s no need to fight for it if someone else is fighting the battle for you. And<br />
neither of us keeps a list of all the ways the other has dropped the ball. As long as you’re<br />
focused on what you’re owed, you’re not focused enough on what you’re there to give.”<br />
It took me a few days to get beyond the surface of his words, but as I did, my trust in Jennifer<br />
grew. My trust in myself grew. And maybe for the first time, I began to understand<br />
the difference between a good <strong>marriage</strong> and a great one.<br />
I wish I could say that I get this right all the time.<br />
The truth is I still consider it a good day when I put Jennifer’s needs ahead of my own. I<br />
privately pat myself on the back for being so thoughtful. I have so far to go. But I won’t<br />
stop working on it.<br />
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FOREVER, A DAY AT A TIME<br />
37<br />
She’s worth it. We’re worth it.<br />
Married, single, among friends or with our families, what if we let each other off the hook<br />
and started fresh—this time considering each other as more important than ourselves<br />
What if each of us woke up tomorrow asking what we could do for those we love the<br />
most What if we fought to see each others’ needs met instead of our own What would<br />
life look like if we abandoned the thought that we are owed something or deserve something<br />
better What if we made it our mission to make something better of the beautiful<br />
thing we have<br />
Those are some of the questions that create our happily ever after. Those are the questions<br />
that get us to forever… one day at a time.<br />
CHANCE SCOGGINS<br />
Chance Scoggins writes and speaks about living a brave, authentic,<br />
intentional life. His vulnerable storytelling, encouraging heart and<br />
unique insight into our common hopes and fears have earned him over<br />
2 million readers and are quickly making him a sought-after speaker in<br />
both community and corporate settings alike.<br />
world<br />
chancescoggins.com<br />
twitter @chancescoggins<br />
37
SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO<br />
The Secret to Having a Marriage that Never Goes Stale<br />
JEFF GOINS<br />
After a recent life-changing trip to Italy, I called my best friend to—well, let’s just be<br />
honest, I called to brag. We had traveled together during college, and I wanted to relive<br />
some of those memories with him, while sharing my latest experiences in Europe.<br />
After finishing telling him about the trip, he said the saddest thing I had heard in a<br />
long time.<br />
“That sounds awesome,” he sighed. “I’d love to do something like that... in ten years.”<br />
“What!” I said. “Ten *years* Dude, are you kidding me”<br />
He went on to say a trip like that just wasn’t realistic. Not for him. Not now. It wasn’t<br />
financially feasible and not something he and his wife had time for. What’s more, they<br />
were expecting their second child and were spending most of their energy preparing<br />
for that transition. I asked him when was the last time they had gone a vacation, just<br />
the two of them.<br />
“Oh, I dunno... probably a few years.”<br />
“A few years!”<br />
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Something to look forward to<br />
39<br />
I had had enough.<br />
“Do you remember what you told me right before I got married”<br />
Months before I got married, my friend gave me some important advice, something he<br />
had heard from a premarital counselor, I think. They were seven sage words that I will<br />
never forget—the secret, I’ve found, to a happy <strong>marriage</strong>:<br />
Always have something to look forward to.<br />
That’s it. That’s the secret. It sounds so simple and yet it can be the hardest part of a<br />
lifelong commitment.<br />
Here are two reasons why it works.<br />
First, it breaks the monotony.<br />
Marriage begins with excitement, but as with any emotional high, it has its boring moments.<br />
Times when you wake up next to the love of your life and the morning breath<br />
gets the best of you. You may have vowed to experience the adventure of life together,<br />
but don’t be surprised when your story has a little taste of the mundane. That’s called<br />
life. However, this commitment can easily turn into begrudged obligation if you don’t<br />
have something disrupt the ordinary ongoings of matrimony.<br />
Second, it gives you and your spouse a common goal.<br />
When you have something that requires both of you to plan, you remember this is a<br />
partnership—something you agreed to do together. And when you might otherwise<br />
be distracted by your own weekly activities and forget to spend quality time together,<br />
this shared project can unite you. It’s something to talk about over dinner, something<br />
to text each other about in the middle of the day. A common goal, something to anticipate,<br />
can bring you together in ways that the daily grind won’t.<br />
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something to look forward to<br />
40<br />
So what should you look forward to<br />
It could be anything, really: a vacation, home improvement project, even an upcoming<br />
move. As long as it’s something you both enjoy doing, it qualifies and should do the<br />
trick of breaking up the monotony and bringing you two together.<br />
That’s why I had to remind my friend of the best advice he’d given me, advice I had<br />
taken to heart since marrying my wife six years before. And it has saved my <strong>marriage</strong> a<br />
few times. A few months afterwards, not altogether surprisingly, my friend called me.<br />
He wanted to tell me about a recent trip he and his wife took to an all-inclusive resort<br />
in the Dominican Republic.<br />
“Man, thanks for talking me into that. I’ve never seen my wife so relaxed. It was just<br />
what we needed before starting a new job and having baby number two.”<br />
My friend thanked me, but really I needed to thank him.<br />
We all need little things to look forward to in life—small interruptions to our normal<br />
flow. Not because we have to escape from our lives, but so we can appreciate them.<br />
Because without the gift of looking forward, even the most wonderful relationships<br />
can grow stale.<br />
JEFF GOINS<br />
Jeff Goins is the author of several books, a speaker, creative coach, and<br />
consultant and has written and guest-blogged for over 100 magazines,<br />
publications, and blogs.<br />
world www.goinswriter.com<br />
twitter @jeffgoins<br />
40
NEVER STOP EXPLORING<br />
You Will Never Fully Know Your Spouse<br />
JONATHAN JACKSON<br />
Every human is created in the image of God. We see throughout Scripture how the<br />
mystery of God is within each one of us—and yet sometimes we get stuck in the rut of<br />
thinking we can fully know someone, fully understand them, within just a few months or<br />
years.<br />
Sometimes we get stuck in a “destination” mentality—both in life and in <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
Over the centuries, and particularly after the Great Schism in 1054, Western Christianity<br />
became more and more scholastic in nature, which is to say it became focused on literacy<br />
and education. This included, of course, embracing a systematic theology and rationalism<br />
and slowly developing away from what many call ‘the mystery of faith.’<br />
The Orthodox Church maintained this element of faith—the mysterious part—known as<br />
Apophatic theology. This essentially includes an understanding that man cannot ever fully<br />
know God—especially not through rationalism or abstract study alone. But by humbly<br />
professing what we cannot know about God, we place our human hearts in an atmosphere<br />
capable of encountering God experientially, as opposed to intellectually or theoretically.<br />
In essence, this theology says man and woman will spend eternity growing closer to God,<br />
but never exhausting the mystery.<br />
So what does this belief have to do with <strong>marriage</strong> Plenty.<br />
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Never Stop Exploring<br />
42<br />
First of all, Orthodox thought supports the idea that the fullness of another person’s identity<br />
is a secret between them and God. This means that no matter how close I get to someone—I<br />
will still only ‘see through a glass, darkly’ [1 Corinthians 13:12 kjv]. In the book<br />
of Revelation we read that Christ will give each person a white stone with a secret name<br />
written on it, which only the recipient and God can know.<br />
This reveals the intimacy each person possesses with God. It is an intimacy that someone<br />
on the outside can only partially know. It also reveals how difficult it would be—if not<br />
impossible—to fully know someone else.<br />
When it comes to <strong>marriage</strong>, we often think we should “know” our spouse when we get<br />
married.<br />
But who truly knows the heart of a man This is not a journey we can take in a single day.<br />
Secondly, this theology acts as a reminder that, in order for <strong>marriage</strong> to truly reflect the<br />
kingdom of heaven, it must be infused with mystery. Salvation, in Orthodox theology, is a<br />
similiar kind of mystery. It is an ongoing participation in the divine nature.<br />
We do not arrive—we continue.<br />
Even if you don’t subscribe to the Orthodox faith, you can see this sense of faith as continuous<br />
growth in the concept of sanctification—in the sense that we are continuously<br />
invited to grow deeper and deeper with God. In the same way, becoming one in <strong>marriage</strong><br />
is an ongoing journey marked by one of the strongest ingredients of an eternal romance—<br />
mystery.”<br />
This plays out in my <strong>marriage</strong> in a few practical ways.<br />
Mostly, it keeps romance alive and my pride in check.<br />
When I begin to think I’ve got her pegged and I can predict her answers or thought process,<br />
I step back and remember the mystery of this woman. Her life is hidden in Christ<br />
and even though we are becoming one, there is an inexhaustible mystery to her being.<br />
Also, people are constantly changing and growing.<br />
Rather than fearing this, the Orthodox Church teaches us to embrace growth and transfor-<br />
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Never Stop Exploring<br />
43<br />
mation. This helps me embrace the mystery of myself as well. Only God fully knows me.<br />
Repentance means I am letting go of my illusions about myself—and embracing the image<br />
and likeness of Christ within me. It helps me receive grace for myself, which in turn helps<br />
me give grace to my beautiful wife.<br />
I hope this makes <strong>marriage</strong> sound inexhaustibly exciting. I hope it makes it sound like a<br />
long, beautiful process of learning each other, becoming one, and cultivating true love. I<br />
hope it helps you keep any stagnation or monotony from creeping into your <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
Whether we’re four years in or twenty, or haven’t started yet at all, let’s remind ourselves:<br />
love is not a place we arrive. Marriage is not a thing we achieve and then spend the rest of<br />
our lives maintaining. Love is a journey marked by mystery and the continual intention to<br />
learn one another.<br />
And if you ask me, that’s what makes it such an adventure.<br />
*This is an excerpt from an interview featured in Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions<br />
& the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person.<br />
JONATHAN JACKSON<br />
Jonathan Jackson is a five-time Emmy Award winning actor who can<br />
currently be seen on the ABC primetime drama ‘Nashville’.<br />
Jonathan plays Avery Barkley, an up and coming singer-songwriter<br />
trying to make it in Music City. Along with acting, since 2004 Jonathan<br />
has also been the lead singer, guitar player, and songwriter for the rock<br />
band Jonathan Jackson + Enation, which CDBaby calls ‘One of indie’s<br />
premier rock bands’.<br />
world<br />
jonathanjackson.com<br />
twitter<br />
@JonathanJackson<br />
43
DON’T BUY STUFF YOU DON’T NEED<br />
How Living With Less Made Our Marriage More<br />
JOSHUA BECKER<br />
Six years ago, we decided to embrace minimalist living.<br />
At first, the reasons were simple: we were spending too much time caring for possessions<br />
and we were wasting too much money on stuff we didn’t need. These possessions were not<br />
bringing joy or lasting happiness. Even worse, they were keeping us from the very things<br />
that did.<br />
But what we didn’t realize at the time was that this decision would drastically alter our<br />
<strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
Possessions had become the Great Distraction in our lives. And the simplest way to<br />
recenter ourselves on the things that mattered most was to remove the excess from our<br />
home and lives.<br />
We embarked upon a journey to sell, donate, recycle, and remove as many of our<br />
nonessential possessions as possible. It was one of the most life-giving decisions we<br />
have ever made—the benefits have been practical and soul-enriching. And we would<br />
recommend it to anyone.<br />
Owning fewer possessions means less cleaning, less organizing, less repairing, and less<br />
financial burden. It brings freedom, clarity, and opportunity. Intentionally owning less<br />
frees time, energy, and space—resources that could be spent pursuing our greatest<br />
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Don't Buy Stuff you Don't Need<br />
45<br />
passions.<br />
Our lives and <strong>marriage</strong>s require space to be lived and experienced to the fullest. But in<br />
a world of ever-increasing speed, time for reflection and investment in the things that<br />
matter becomes more and more difficult to discover. Our world is built on consumerist<br />
pursuits—and rejecting those tendencies requires great intentionality from each of us.<br />
Hans Hofmann, the legendary painter once said it like this,<br />
“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.”<br />
Often times, our <strong>marriage</strong>s follow the same unfortunate trajectory. At first, when we have<br />
nothing but each other, we focus intently on the important essential building blocks of a<br />
healthy <strong>marriage</strong>. But as our relationship continues forward, less important things begin<br />
to accumulate and distract us from the very keys to a successful <strong>marriage</strong>—many of which<br />
have been clearly articulated in this book.<br />
As a result, we start to worry more about the appraisal value of our home than the value<br />
of our relationship. We check the health of our retirement account far more often than the<br />
health of our <strong>marriage</strong>. We spend more time taking care of the car in our garage than the<br />
other person in our bedroom. And the maintenance of our physical possessions dominates<br />
our evenings and weekends, when the maintenance of our relationship should be taking<br />
precedent.<br />
Nonessential possessions begin to accumulate and demand our money, energy, and<br />
precious time. As a result, we have little left over for the very elements that make our<br />
<strong>marriage</strong>s work.<br />
Those who experience a fulfilled <strong>marriage</strong> from beginning to end intentionally limit<br />
selfish distractions and accumulation. They realize a nice home, fast car, or bloated<br />
retirement account may appear nice to have, but in the end, do not make a successful<br />
<strong>marriage</strong>. And if not kept in proper perspective, they actually begin to distract us from it.<br />
If interested in limiting the burden of excessive possessions in your family, you may<br />
consider these seven intentional, countercultural decisions:<br />
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Don't Buy Stuff you Don't Need<br />
46<br />
1) CHOOSE A HOME BASED ON NEED, NOT OPPORTUNITY.<br />
Sit down and determine what specific requirements your home will need to meet: size,<br />
location, length of stay, sometimes occupation. When you begin house-hunting, focus on<br />
them solely. Do not choose a home based on a pre-approved loan amount or even income.<br />
Choose based on personal need instead.<br />
2) NEVER CARRY A CAR PAYMENT.<br />
Almost every person I know who is falling behind in their finances carries a car loan<br />
and payment. Don’t do it—ever. Buy the most reliable car you can afford with your cash<br />
savings and immediately begin setting aside money for your next one. And even if you can<br />
afford a luxury car, remember you can do more good by simply buying a reliable one.<br />
3) PURCHASE TECHNOLOGY BASED ON THE PROBLEM IT SOLVES.<br />
Technology advances at a dizzying pace. Keeping up can become an all-consuming,<br />
savings-draining pursuit. To counter its allure, remember the purpose of technology is to<br />
make our lives easier by solving problems. Before purchasing any new technology billed as<br />
the latest and greatest, ask yourself this question: “What existing problem does it solve” If<br />
a new technology is not solving an existing problem, it is only adding to them.<br />
4) LIVE ON ONE INCOME—EVEN IF YOU EARN TWO.<br />
One of the most valuable pieces of financial advice we ever received came early in our<br />
<strong>marriage</strong> when both my wife and I were working. Our pastor encouraged us to live<br />
entirely on my income and save every penny my wife earned. We did just that. Her<br />
earnings became our first down payment on a home. But more importantly, it prevented<br />
lifestyle creep from setting in. And when our first child was born, becoming a one-income<br />
family was an easy transition.<br />
5) PUT THE SPENDER IN CHARGE OF FAMILY FINANCES.<br />
While this may or may not suit your family’s unique dynamics, it has been entirely helpful<br />
for ours. I hold a Bachelor’s Degree in Banking and Finance. My first job out of college<br />
was Accounting. I understand budgets, spreadsheets, assets, and liabilities. But my wife is<br />
a bigger spender than me. And one of the most helpful actions we took as a family was<br />
to put her entirely in charge of the family finances. Because our bank account levels were<br />
always small, she became far more careful with her purchases—and worked really hard to<br />
keep me in line too.<br />
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Don't Buy Stuff you Don't Need<br />
47<br />
6) USE ENTERTAINMENT FOR REST, NOT ESCAPE.<br />
Entertainment moves our emotion, occupies our heart, and exercises our mind—or at<br />
least, it should. Choose to invest your entertainment dollars in places that will improve<br />
your life. There is nothing wrong with enjoying entertainment. It serves an important<br />
purpose. Rest is an essential characteristic of our lives. However, entertainment can<br />
quickly become a personal and financial burden if we use it as a means to routinely escape<br />
our own reality rather than deal with it in a healthy way.<br />
7) GIVE AWAY (AT LEAST) 10%.<br />
There are numerous religious traditions that teach the importance of giving away 10%.<br />
Personally, it is a financial philosophy we have put into practice during times of both little<br />
and plenty. The gifts benefit the receiver. But more than that, the gifts benefit the giver.<br />
It brings fulfillment and joy and meaning to our lives. But maybe the greatest benefit of<br />
generosity is the realization that we already have enough.<br />
We should be careful to not add extra burden to our <strong>marriage</strong>s by chasing and<br />
accumulating material possessions. Our money is only as valuable as what we choose to<br />
spend it on. And so are our lives.<br />
JOSHUA BECKER<br />
Joshua Becker blogs at Becoming Minimalist where he inspires<br />
others to find more life by owning less. He is also the bestselling<br />
author of Clutterfree with Kids.<br />
world Becoming Minimalist Buy Clutterfree with Kids<br />
47
GO WITH THE FLOW<br />
CARLOS WHITTAKER<br />
I know I am only supposed to give one piece of advice. But I can’t. And I know<br />
most people give lists of 10. But I can’t go with the flow so I have 11.<br />
You see. If there is anything that I have learned in my 15 years of <strong>marriage</strong>, it is that<br />
nothing stays the same forever. You may have a spouse that feels loved and filled<br />
by gifts for the first five years of your <strong>marriage</strong>, and then suddenly, in year six... all<br />
they want to do is snuggle.<br />
Go with the flow.<br />
And with that little piece of advice, I give you 11 more nuggets.<br />
1. Kiss often. Kiss in front of your kids. And if you don’t have any kids yet…you soon<br />
will if you kiss often enough.<br />
2. After you make massive mistakes, let them cuss and throw things at you without<br />
an ounce of defense. Then you will know that sticks and stones will break your<br />
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Go With the Flow<br />
49<br />
bones and words will also kick your butt. Then, take those sticks and stones and<br />
hold them for a while, letting it sink in that you are not perfect and that you can<br />
cause pain.<br />
Become better with each fight.<br />
3. You won’t always feel it. You won’t always choose it.<br />
But fortunately you can rest in it. Say I love you everyday.<br />
4. When you get home from work or play or just being away…spend the first 10<br />
minutes you are at home within five feet of your spouse. If they get weirded out that<br />
you are so close to them, you probably need to up it to 10 minutes.<br />
5. French Kiss. Remember that And do it right. Don’t go for the jugular in the first<br />
30 seconds. Take it real slow. Enjoy every minute.<br />
6. Your baby will be just fine without you. Take a night away while that kid’s a baby.<br />
The hubs needs it. The wife needs it. The baby honestly needs it.<br />
7. When your heart skips a beat because that fine, sexy, flirty other man/woman<br />
looks your way a second longer than normal, brag to your spouse that you still have<br />
it. Then tell them the truth that you liked it. Then tell them again that you liked it.<br />
Now there will be two antennas up instead of just one. That is a time-bomb waiting<br />
to go off.<br />
8. Cleavage shots via SMS and packed lunches make all the other cleavage at the<br />
office disappear. And if you are a dude and can pull this off… P90X<br />
9. 15 minutes of no TV, no kids, no anything but each other each day. You will look<br />
forward to those 15 minutes all day long.<br />
10. Fight Hard. Fight Fast. Fight Well.<br />
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Go With the Flow<br />
50<br />
11. Leave the laptop and phone in the car. Your social network’s arms won’t feel<br />
nearly as good as the hugs you get from your family.<br />
This has worked for us.<br />
It will work for you.<br />
God Bless…<br />
CARLOS WHITTAKER<br />
Carlos Whitaker is married to his wife Heather and they have 3 children.<br />
In November 2006 Carlos and his wife Heather adopted their son<br />
Losiah from Seoul Korea.<br />
Carlos lives for this…<br />
To ignite a movement among all generations of Christians that disturbs<br />
and disrupts the evangelical church into a place of seeing Christ’s face<br />
fresh again.<br />
world<br />
ragamuffinsoul.com<br />
twitter<br />
@loswhit<br />
50
SECRETS DON’T MAKE MARRIAGES<br />
How to cultivate emotional intimacy<br />
LORI & BARRY BYRNE<br />
When it comes to honesty in <strong>marriage</strong>, we often get the same general list of questions.<br />
Do you have to talk about everything<br />
Is keeping secrets from your spouse ever okay<br />
Are secrets always unhelpful to becoming one<br />
The issue of secrets in <strong>marriage</strong> is one of the more divided conversations among <strong>marriage</strong><br />
counselors and pastors today. One camp finds it acceptable, depending on the circumstance<br />
and emotional framework of the partners. Others find the very thought of secret-keeping<br />
appalling. And yet whenever we are asked these questions, we always encourage couples to<br />
ask themselves a question.<br />
Are you willing to take the risk to speak the truth in love to each other in order to know<br />
and be known<br />
Knowing and being known is not only fundamental to all of humanity, but it’s the most<br />
basic foundation of real, intimate relationship. And healthy intimacy exists between two<br />
people who both know and are known by each other in a deep, personal way. And then<br />
they respect and honor that priceless gift given to them by their spouse.<br />
Accomplishing this kind of intimacy is, of course, not easy. It is a commitment you make<br />
and continue to make on a daily basis. This kind of intimacy must be become a lifestyle -<br />
not an isolated event.<br />
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Secrets don't make <strong>marriage</strong>s<br />
52<br />
But from the time we’ve spent cultivating intimacy in our own <strong>marriage</strong>—and our time<br />
working with other couples—we would emphasize there are a few things successful<br />
couples do well.<br />
1. THEY MAKE THE CHOICE TO LIVE WITH NOTHING HIDDEN.<br />
Leanne Payne wrote, ‘The unconfessed is the unhealed.’<br />
You cannot keep secrets compartmentalized inside your heart, away from life and relationships.<br />
They will pollute even those things that are true and right and beautiful, staining<br />
them with their own darkness, until one can no longer distinguish between the ‘real’ and<br />
the ‘presented.’ We cannot choose to live in deception and be led by the Spirit of Truth at<br />
the same time.<br />
Sadly, we—and our <strong>marriage</strong>s—will continue to be as distant and lonely as the secrets we<br />
keep.<br />
Too many of us have gone too long hiding our true selves from our spouse; it may take us<br />
days—maybe weeks—to show them who we really are. It may take even longer to build<br />
trust and intimacy. If this is your current situation, don’t be discouraged - here is a good<br />
place to start.<br />
We challenge you to ask Holy Spirit this, “ What have I kept hidden from my spouse that I<br />
need to tell them”<br />
Are you willing to let go of your secrets to have intimacy with the one you love<br />
George MacDonald says, “Few delights can equal the mere presence of the one whom we<br />
trust utterly.” You cannot trust your spouse utterly when secrets exist between you.<br />
Are you willing to trust being truthful in love more than anything that you fear or desire<br />
2. BE QUICK TO RECONCILE AND FORGIVE.<br />
Even while trying our best to love in our <strong>marriage</strong>, we will hurt each other. We have developed<br />
some simple but very effective tools to reconcile hearts wounded in relationship.<br />
This reconciliation goes beyond acknowledging wrong and asking for forgiveness. In order<br />
to reconcile we must allow ourselves to feel the pain that we have put our spouse through<br />
and then put that pain into words that they can identify with.<br />
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53<br />
If we refuse to forgive our spouse, we have placed an impenetrable barrier to intimacy in<br />
our <strong>marriage</strong>. We don’t forgive because the other person deserves it; we forgive because<br />
Jesus forgave us and he tells us to forgive. Many people invite torment into their lives and<br />
<strong>marriage</strong> because they refuse to forgive. (Matt 18:34-35) Thorough forgiveness goes beyond<br />
forgiving the offending behavior and requires forgiveness for all the painful effects resulting<br />
from the other person’s behavior.<br />
3. DON’T FORGET TO LOVE YOURSELF.<br />
If you don’t like the gift you’re giving, you’re not going to give it freely.<br />
Another step in cultivating intimacy is learning to love yourself. Sometime the idea of loving<br />
ourselves becomes confused with self-indulgence and following our feelings. Rather,<br />
we learn to love ourselves by living in such a way that we will feel good about ourselves<br />
before God.<br />
The truth is that if we feel guilt about something we’re doing or shame in who we are, we<br />
won’t ever get vulnerable with anyone. When we keep shame and guilt hidden, the enemy<br />
speaks lies to us about our identity. But when we love ourselves by accepting the truth of<br />
who Jesus says we are, living openly and intimately with others can become an ongoing<br />
lifestyle!<br />
*This is an excerpt from an interview in Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions &<br />
the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person.<br />
LORI & BARRY BYRNE<br />
Barry has been a <strong>marriage</strong> and family therapist for over 30 years as<br />
well as a devoted student of God’s word. He has ministered at Bethel<br />
Church in the Transformation Center both as a teacher, and supervisor<br />
to the counselors. His wisdom, experience and anointing in the area of<br />
Spirit-led inner healing are powerfully matched with the Father’s heart<br />
of love.<br />
Lori is a fourth generation Pastor with a strong gift of discernment and<br />
the prophetic. Having counseled people for years within the church,<br />
she draws from a vast wealth of wisdom and experience in connecting<br />
and building intimate relationships in the Body of Christ.<br />
world<br />
Love After Marriage<br />
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PRACTICE MAKES PASSION POSSIBLE<br />
3 ways to build your dream <strong>marriage</strong><br />
DUSTIN RIECHMANN<br />
When you first fall in love, happiness comes easy and it seems so effortless to be a good<br />
partner. Your jokes are funny, your thoughts and actions are romantic, and your time<br />
together is pretty much all rainbows and butterflies. It turns out that there’s a good reason<br />
for this—a scientific one at that. Your first few months or even years together are shrouded<br />
in a chemical cloud of infatuation.<br />
You’re literally high on each other and the lovin’ comes easy.<br />
So what happens a few years down the road after you’ve decided to get married and settle<br />
down together Well, the chemical boost fades and you’re left with the choice to love your<br />
spouse.<br />
This is the part of <strong>marriage</strong> that sometimes freaks a couple out.<br />
You may start to have doubts about whether you’re still “in love” with your husband or<br />
wife. You may look at him or her and wonder when things got so… soft. You may ask<br />
yourself where the passion has gone. Trust me, the love is still there, but you can’t rely on<br />
chemistry to make it work on autopilot.<br />
It’s time for you to step up and practice having the <strong>marriage</strong> you desire.<br />
Like learning to play the guitar or run a marathon, an awesome <strong>marriage</strong> is the result of<br />
practice. You can have a mediocre relationship without a lot of effort, but the dream mar-<br />
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riage you envisioned during your engagement is going to require some good old fashioned<br />
hard work.<br />
So, what sort of things do you need to learn and refine to enjoy a thriving <strong>marriage</strong><br />
Based on our own experience and the wisdom gained from working with dozens of other<br />
couples, here are three simple steps I’d recommend practicing to keep the passion alive.<br />
1. TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE.<br />
As your relationship matures, and especially when children enter the picture, it’s frighteningly<br />
easy to lose your connection as a couple. Your roles as a parent, caregiver, breadwinner,<br />
housekeeper, etc. can be so overwhelming that you never give the time or energy<br />
needed to be a great spouse.<br />
I recommend every couple spend at least 15 minutes each day simply being a couple. This<br />
is sacred time to enjoy each other and put aside those other roles for a while.<br />
Sit, talk, laugh and be together—simple as that.<br />
2. NEVER STOP DATING.<br />
Do you remember when you were dating When you’re dating, you don’t need “date<br />
nights” because every time you get together it’s all about getting to know each other better<br />
and building your relationship.<br />
That’s not the case when you’ve been married for a while. You’re together all the time,<br />
which makes it exceedingly easy to get complacent and fail to feed the romantic side of<br />
your relationship.<br />
Be sure to schedule a date night every week or two to spend some special time together<br />
and rekindle the intimacy between you. While it’s great to get out of the house for a big<br />
night out, this can be as simple as a lunch date or an evening at home together after the<br />
kids are in bed.<br />
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3. TREAT MARRIAGE LIKE AN INVESTMENT PORTFOLIO.<br />
It’s funny how easy is it to justify spending money on new gadgets, improvements to your<br />
home or even lessons to learn a new skill. Yet, when it comes to the most important relationship<br />
in your life, many of us shy away from trying to better ourselves.<br />
I can’t recommend enough that you spend some time and money making yourself a better husband<br />
or wife. Pick up a course on communication, read a good book and don’t be too proud to<br />
sign up for a <strong>marriage</strong> retreat where you can get away and focus on each other deeply.<br />
When you consider that you’ve devoted the rest of your life to your spouse and you spend<br />
everyday together, it’s easy to see that there’s no better return on your investment than in<br />
learning the skills you need to be as happy as possible together.<br />
Do yourself a favor and make a commitment today to make your <strong>marriage</strong> your highest priority<br />
(right after God). Devote quality time each day to your spouse, bless your <strong>marriage</strong> with regular<br />
date nights, and do everything you can to be the best husband or wife you can be.<br />
Building your dream <strong>marriage</strong> isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely worth it.<br />
DUSTIN RIECHMANN<br />
Dustin Riechmann is the author of 15 Minute Marriage Makeover<br />
and creator of Engaged Marriage, a site devoted to helping other<br />
married couples live a life they love (especially) when they feel too busy<br />
to make it happen. Dustin’s passion is providing practical tools that you<br />
can use to keep your <strong>marriage</strong> fresh and fully “engaged” even when life<br />
gets hectic. He’s been married for over 13 years to his best friend Bethany,<br />
and is a proud Dad to three very energetic kids under the age of<br />
nine.You deserve your dream <strong>marriage</strong>, and it’s Dustin’s mission to help<br />
you make it happen.<br />
world<br />
Engaged Marriage<br />
twitter<br />
@engaged<strong>marriage</strong><br />
56
THE PROMISE YOU CAN’T KEEP<br />
IN MARRIAGE<br />
Why happiness is the result, not the reason for a good <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
JOHN MARK COMER<br />
Friendship.<br />
Support.<br />
Sexuality.<br />
Family.<br />
Recreation.<br />
That’s why you get married. That’s why God created <strong>marriage</strong>. Here’s the problem—<br />
that’s not why most people get married.<br />
At least, that’s not why I got married. I got married to be happy.<br />
Don’t get me wrong. I was into all that other stuff. She was my closest friend. There<br />
was a calling on our life together that we were excited about. Sex ... uh ... yes. And we<br />
both wanted a family one day. But none of those reasons were the reason.<br />
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Like millions upon millions of other Americans, I married for happiness.<br />
That sounds innocuous at first glance. Heck, it sounds romantic. But the trouble is that<br />
happiness is the result of a healthy <strong>marriage</strong>. It’s not the reason for <strong>marriage</strong>. Happiness<br />
is a great thing, but it’s the by-product, the afterclap of <strong>marriage</strong>. It’s not the<br />
point.<br />
God doesn’t look down on Adam and say, “He looks sad. He needs a lift. He needs another<br />
human being to quench the thirst of his soul. I will make him a helper to satisfy<br />
his deepest longings. Eve, the pressure’s on.” Of course not. Only God can do that.<br />
A spouse is not a substitute for God.<br />
The point of <strong>marriage</strong> isn’t to find our missing half. It’s to help each other become<br />
all God intended. Our future, real selves. In <strong>marriage</strong>, two people partner to that end.<br />
They see the best in each other—the person God created them to be—and they push<br />
and pull each other toward that goal.<br />
Don’t get married because you think he or she is “the one.” Trust me, they’re not.<br />
There’s no such thing! But do get married when you see who God is making somebody<br />
to be, and it lights you up. When you want to be a part of that story of transformation,<br />
that journey to the future. When you are well aware it will be a long and bumpy ride,<br />
but you don’t want to miss one mile.<br />
Because you believe in God’s calling on them, and you want in.<br />
My wife makes me a better person. She calls out the best in me. She calls me to live<br />
up to who I really am, to who God is making me to be.<br />
She also brings out the worst in me. What Paul calls “the flesh.” The ugly, nasty part of<br />
me that doesn’t want to change. She exposes my selfishness and my pride.<br />
That’s why <strong>marriage</strong> is humbling. I thought I was a pretty decent guy—and then I got<br />
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married. Turns out I’m kind of a toolshed. It’s easy to be a decent guy when you live in<br />
a bubble. But when you step into <strong>marriage</strong>, your true colors bleed out. It’s like squeezing<br />
a sponge. Whatever is on the inside comes out, for better or for worse.<br />
I cringe when I’m at a wedding where the guy says, “I promise to make you happy.” I<br />
want to stand up and scream, “You can’t keep that promise! It’s impossible! You aren’t<br />
God!”<br />
Is it any wonder that the number-one justification for divorce is “I deserve to be happy”<br />
If you put your faith in your spouse to make you happy, it’s only a matter of time<br />
before they let you down.<br />
Our whole mindset on happiness is deeply flawed. “I deserve to be happy.” Really I’m<br />
not sure that’s right.<br />
All of life is a gift from the Creator God. We think we have the right to “life, liberty,<br />
and the pursuit of happiness,” but contrary to what the American propaganda machine<br />
says, happiness is not a right. It’s a gift. God doesn’t owe you anything. And<br />
neither does your spouse. It’s all a gift.<br />
You have to get this before you get married. Sadly, I didn’t, and it caused me so much<br />
pain. Not to mention how it hurt my wife.<br />
If you go into <strong>marriage</strong> searching for happiness, all you will do is walk out filled with<br />
disillusionment. Don’t get me wrong. Marriage is incredible! But it’s not heaven on<br />
earth. It’s two broken people coming together to follow God’s calling on their lives.<br />
Let <strong>marriage</strong> be <strong>marriage</strong>, and let God be God. Let <strong>marriage</strong> be for friendship and support<br />
and sex and family and re-creation. And let God be the well for your soul. Your<br />
source of life.<br />
This doesn’t mean you won’t be happy in <strong>marriage</strong>. I am. Most of the best memories of<br />
my life have my wife attached to them. Our honeymoon in Europe, moving to Port-<br />
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The promise you can’t keep in <strong>marriage</strong><br />
60<br />
land, starting a church, the birth of our first child, that vacation in Kauai—we did all<br />
of that together. And it was fun. If I were to edit her out of my story, it would be flat,<br />
anemic and boring.<br />
Here’s what I’ve learned over the last few years. God is the source of my life, not my<br />
wife. She’s an amazing gift that I don’t deserve, but she’s not Jesus. It took me a long<br />
time to get this. And to be honest, I’m still pounding away on living it out. Hopefully,<br />
you’ll get this sooner than I did. Because the beauty of this way of living is that if and<br />
when happiness shows up on your doorstep, it’s icing on the cake.<br />
*This article first appeared on RelevantMagazine.com<br />
JOHN MARK COMER<br />
John Mark Comer is Lead Pastor of Bridgetown; A Jesus Church in<br />
Portland, Ore., and author of Loveology: God. Love. Marriage. Sex. And<br />
the Never-Ending Story of Male and Female.<br />
Loveology<br />
twitter<br />
@johnmarkcomer<br />
60
THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS TO<br />
GET TO FOUR<br />
One way to manage personality differences.<br />
KAREN EHMAN<br />
My husband and I didn’t start out our <strong>marriage</strong> with any overly romantic notions. No<br />
knight-in-shining-armor visions. No expectations of me being treated like a princess<br />
with a guaranteed happily-ever-after thrown in for good measure. Because we both<br />
grew up in homes that had less-than-perfect <strong>marriage</strong>s, including one divorce, we<br />
were realists. We knew <strong>marriage</strong> was hard. But we were willing to do the hard work.<br />
One thing we never bargained for however, was what would become one of the most<br />
difficult aspects of our life together.<br />
We simply drive each other nuts with how we get things done.<br />
Of course we knew we had polar-opposite personalities. But those differences were<br />
cute when we were dating. Yet it seems the minute we said our “I dos” the very things<br />
we found adorable about each other soon began to make us crazy!<br />
My husband is a laid-back, unrushed person with a calm demeanor. I loved how he<br />
didn’t seem to have opinions on many things when we were college sweethearts. Time<br />
to go to dinner or a movie He wasn’t too wasn’t fussy. He always let me decide. I<br />
loved that set up! However, when, a few months into our <strong>marriage</strong>, I needed him to<br />
make some decisions—to take some action—he froze.<br />
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It bothered me so much, his passivity.<br />
He, on the other hand, was first attracted to me because he loved how I could talk.<br />
“You could work a room, making everyone feel included. You could talk to everyone<br />
from the bagger at the grocery store to the college president. I loved how you could<br />
talk!” Then, about three days into our honeymoon he had this thought, “When is she<br />
ever going to hush up” In fact, he says that—should I go before him—he already<br />
knows what he is going to put on my tombstone.<br />
A period. She’s finally done yakking!<br />
My being an overly verbal person sometimes makes me also show my frustration and<br />
display my anger a bit more than my hubby (okay…..a lot more). I get flustered at what<br />
I perceive as his lack of action and I sometimes burst out in annoyance.<br />
He is often passive. Usually it makes me get aggressive. I guess you could say we have<br />
a passive-aggressive <strong>marriage</strong>!<br />
Working through our personality differences has been a constant home improvement<br />
project for us. For the most part, we do pretty well. In fact, on the big issues we seem<br />
to give each other grace and space. However, it is the little things that drive us both<br />
bonkers! Our differing personalities also cause us to tackle tasks around the house in<br />
opposite ways.<br />
If long-lost friends call to say they will be passing through our town in an hour and<br />
want to stop by, I go into panic mode. I want the house picked up and pronto! What<br />
does that look like to me Grab the clutter. Shove it in a closest. Or drawer. Or even<br />
in the dryer for crying out loud. Just get rid of the junk. I couldn’t care less if there<br />
is a layer of dust on the furniture when you drop by. I just don’t want you to trip and<br />
break your neck because of the stuff currently playing possum on my living room<br />
floor.<br />
The hubster Yeah. You guessed it. He steps gingerly over the piles to head up to the<br />
guest bedroom to start dusting all the furniture in the house! What! They aren’t even<br />
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going to go upstairs to that room! But to him clean means dust-free. Clutter doesn’t<br />
rattle him. It’s not even on his radar.<br />
I know we aren’t the only ones with this little marital hitch. Maybe some of you can<br />
relate to this one. Lets take feeding the kids. Say they need lunch one afternoon. You—<br />
being a good mom—would feed them a turkey sandwich on whole grain bread with<br />
a side of carrot sticks and a crisp apple. Your man He thinks it is just fine and dandy<br />
to throw some leftover pizza on a plate, nuke it 15 seconds and serve it with a side of<br />
leftover Easter candy for dessert. Oh my!<br />
But ya know what I have learned Everything doesn’t always have to be done my way.<br />
That’s right. They are many ways to tackle tasks around the house. Or to parent the<br />
kiddos. I’ll illustrate it for you.<br />
Let me ask you this:<br />
what is 2 + 2<br />
3 + 1<br />
10 – 6<br />
Yep. The answer to all of the above is four.<br />
There are a lot of ways to get to four. The only one who will do exactly what you<br />
would do in 100% of the situations you are confronted with in life….is you! And, if<br />
your spouse does everything exactly as you do and has the same opinion as you on<br />
every issue, then one of you is unnecessary!<br />
Reciting my little math equation phrase in my brain helps me to keep my anger in<br />
check. “There are a lot of ways to get to four”. It not only calms me down, it helps me<br />
to remember that I am not the center of the universe. That everything doesn’t always<br />
need to be done my way. That I am not always right. (Did I really just admit that<br />
publicly)<br />
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Who cares if, when getting the house clean, he sweeps and then dusts and you do it in<br />
reverse Do you really want to take your last breath on that little hill In the example<br />
of feeding the children, both methods still fill their tummies. No kids ever became<br />
malnourished from one meal of leftover pizza and candy (besides, it makes them think<br />
dad is really cool!).<br />
Giving each other grace and space is crucial to a <strong>marriage</strong> relationship. Life is so<br />
constant. Keeping house together is daily. If you let every tiny difference in how you<br />
approach tasks at home bug you it will sap the life and joy right out of your relationship.<br />
So how do we stop this cycle Can we train our brains to process situations differently,<br />
avoiding wounded feelings and regret Here are a few questions to ask yourself:<br />
• Does this really matter now<br />
• Will it matter tomorrow<br />
• Will it affect eternity<br />
• Is God trying to teach me something If so, what<br />
• Can I pause and praise instead of interrupt and instigate<br />
• Am I just being overly-picky and simply need to let it go<br />
A though from the Bible I always come back to is,<br />
“Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better<br />
than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3).<br />
It may seem a small thing to defer to others when it comes to how chores are done<br />
around the house. However, I have come to realize that sometimes wanting things<br />
done the right....ahem...I mean “my” way, just stems from my own selfishness. I think<br />
my ways are better. Waaaaaay better. And I try to impress others with how great my<br />
ways are rather than consider for even a second that my beloved’s way might be just<br />
fine and dandy.<br />
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Remember, two plus two equals four. Three plus one equals four. It all equals four. In<br />
fact, during heightened moments of frustration, you just might find me wandering<br />
about my house, mumbling to myself, “And thirty-six divided by nine equals four. The<br />
square root of sixteen is four!”<br />
How many ways can you get to four<br />
KAREN EHMAN<br />
Karen Ehman is the communications coordinator and a national speaker<br />
for Proverbs 31 Ministries, a national speaker, and author of six books<br />
including LET. IT. GO.: How to Stop Running the Show & Start Walking<br />
in Faith. She has been the guest on media outlets including The 700<br />
Club, Focus on the Family, Moody Midday Connection and Engaging<br />
Women. She and her college sweetheart husband Todd are the parents<br />
of three sometimes quarrelsome but mostly charming children and<br />
reside in the boondocks of Mid-Michigan where she enjoys herb gardening,<br />
antique hunting and cheering loudly in the baseball bleachers<br />
and football stands. {Yeah. She’s that mom.}<br />
Let. It. Go. : How to Stop Running the Show and<br />
Start Walking in Faith<br />
65
MOCK EACH OTHER & 7 OTHER<br />
CREATIVE TIPS ON MARRIAGE<br />
JEREMY COWART<br />
My wife and I have been married for 14 years and in that time, we’ve learned a lot<br />
about what it takes to be married. It’s easier than everyone says it is. Here are seven<br />
things we’ve done that have made our <strong>marriage</strong> work really well—and helped<br />
us have a lot of fun.<br />
1. DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY.<br />
14 years of <strong>marriage</strong> and running, we’ve never had “the bad year”. We don’t fight<br />
and never have. I can remember three kinda-fights in 17 years of being together<br />
but they diffused very quickly. Within the hour. I’m not bragging. I’m just saying<br />
that if you’re in a dating relationship and you fight all the time, it doesn’t have<br />
to be that way. It’s possible to be in a long-lasting relationship, without fighting.<br />
My wife and I are ridiculously laid back. We don’t take anything or ourselves too<br />
seriously.<br />
2. MOCK EACH OTHER.<br />
We laugh all the time. We talk smack and jokingly mock each other. She’ll ask me<br />
to take out the trash. I respond with “I’ll take YOU out to the trash.” Then she’ll<br />
respond with “Your face is trash.” Then we both die laughing. This constant joking<br />
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is hilarious, fun and such a healthy dynamic in our <strong>marriage</strong>. It’s our love language<br />
in a very hysterical/slightly disturbing way.<br />
3. EXHAUST “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID” JOKES.<br />
I believe every <strong>marriage</strong> must have a healthy dose of “That’s what she said” jokes. I<br />
think we have a larger dose of them than The Office had.<br />
4. GIVE SELFLESSLY.<br />
My wife is relentlessly selfless. She gives and gives and gives like no one else I’ve<br />
ever seen in my life. I try to be selfless but she wins by a mile in that category. It’s<br />
just who she is.<br />
5. DON’T BE A FAN.<br />
I love that my wife is not a “fan” of mine. She loves me for me and not my career<br />
or anything. I’m an idea guy and I’m bouncing ideas off of her all the time. Most<br />
of the time, it goes in one ear and out the other. It can be frustrating, but it keeps<br />
me humble. But sometimes I have an idea that causes her to break down into tears<br />
immediately. One of those moments was when I told her about an idea called<br />
Help-Portrait. I recently had another idea that made her cry. It’s a massive dream<br />
of mine and she’s always pressing me and asking, “When are you going to pursue<br />
that one” She is the ultimate idea barometer and always seems to be right.<br />
6. BE THE AVERAGE.<br />
My wife averages me out in my confidence. There are days. Many, many, many days<br />
that I feel like I suck. My ideas suck. Everything sucks. As an artist, many times I<br />
have absolutely zero confidence. Those are the days she somehow figures out how<br />
to remind me I don’t suck and I’m actually quite good at what I do. Then, every<br />
now and then, I’m a little too high on an idea or a project and I think for a minute<br />
that I’m kind of awesome. She’s super quick to bring me back down to earth<br />
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in those moments. She’s an expert balloon-popper. The balloon being my ego, of<br />
course.<br />
7. TRUST EACH OTHER.<br />
I’ve always admired her trust in me. Not every wife would say “sure, go tour with<br />
Britney Spears for three months”. Or “Sure, go shoot all these beautiful women<br />
and make them look even more beautiful.” But she does do that and continues to<br />
trust me. It’s amazing how, the more she trusts me, the more I want to earn and<br />
respect that trust. Jealousy kills relationships and Shannon has never once been<br />
jealous of what I’m doing or who I’m working or traveling with. That’s a strong<br />
woman. And let me just add to the fact that I’ve never slept with another woman<br />
in my life. We were virgins when we got married and have remained 100% faithful<br />
since then. So guys, it’s possible to have a successful career, travel the world and<br />
stay faithful to your wife. Crazy concept, I know, but it’s pretty amazing. Our culture<br />
tends to celebrate sleeping around and showcase men as “strong” and “tough”<br />
if they get a lot of women. I think it’s the complete opposite. Staying faithful to<br />
your wife as a man is strong and tough. Cheating on your spouse is weak. Amen.<br />
8. BE PATIENT.<br />
Oh man, my wife is so patient with me. I tend to be quite spacey. I’m always<br />
thinking or dreaming of something. It’s part A.D.D. and part dreamer in me. So it’s<br />
hard for me to be “present” sometimes. I can be in the room and not present at all.<br />
But Shannon understands that about me and is patient with me. She’s patient every<br />
time I drive the wrong way and miss all those turns. She’s patient when I forget<br />
those groceries or forget the important story she told me about her day. She’s<br />
patient when I simply don’t listen. Whew, that’s a tough one for most women. So<br />
sure, she gets madly frustrated sometimes but she’s still more understanding than<br />
she should be.<br />
Same with my iPhone. I love my job and I love technology. So it’s easy to be glued<br />
to my iPhone a lot. I’m also a people-pleaser, so I feel like I have to respond to<br />
every email, text, Facebook comment, Facebook message, twitter reply, twitter DM,<br />
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blog post comment, phone call, LinkedIn message, Instagram comment, etc. Did I<br />
cover them all Probably not. But you get the idea. Keeping up with it all is hard.<br />
Family comes first, obviously, but gosh it’s hard sometimes to balance it all. Shannon<br />
is extremely patient with my struggles there.<br />
We’re not perfect. We don’t have it all figured out and I don’t mean to imply that.<br />
But <strong>marriage</strong> these days seems to be in a lot of trouble. It feels like divorce is far<br />
more normal than happy <strong>marriage</strong>s. But from a guy who has a good, healthy <strong>marriage</strong>,<br />
these are simply a few of the things that have helped us. And I hope they<br />
help you.<br />
JEREMY COWART<br />
Jeremy is a Photographer, Entrepreneur and a Humanitarian. He<br />
founded a global photography movement called Help-Portrait and<br />
recently launched an iPhone App/Social Network called OKDOTHIS.<br />
His goal in life is to use his platform, ideas and creativity to inspire and<br />
help others in need.<br />
world<br />
jeremycowart.com<br />
twitter<br />
@jeremycowart<br />
69
DROPPING THE IF-BOMBS<br />
It’s “US vs The Distractions” baby!<br />
PAUL EDWARD RALPH<br />
If-bombs are just like F-bombs, except there’s way more collateral damage.<br />
I will never forget my earliest If-bomb encounter. You see, there was a certain young<br />
lady I’d been eyeing for months at school and church. Having honed my skills for<br />
reading the nonverbal cues of the fairer sex, it was abundantly clear that there was<br />
mutual interest.<br />
I was fourteen.<br />
There could be no mistaking it.<br />
This was a slam-dunk.<br />
On that magical day, as Jill and I stood at the bus stop, I mustered up the courage.<br />
Leaning toward her, and lowering my voice to an adolescent hush, I artfully posited<br />
the question: “Would you like to go with me to a movie”<br />
“Sure,” she responded instantly.<br />
And with the sweet sound of that monosyllabic ecstasy ringing fresh in my ear, my<br />
mind raced to the shared popcorn and to the potential of nudging my leg closer to<br />
hers. I even let myself consider the rapturous delight of holding her hand.<br />
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“Sure,” she repeated, “If you’ll introduce me to your older brother!”<br />
Crash and burn.<br />
I was crushed.<br />
I was completely humiliated.<br />
I was irreparably damaged.<br />
And I was fourteen.<br />
There was nothing more deflating in the entire universe.<br />
When my heart and mind finally coalesced around the brutal nature of her rejection, I<br />
determined then and there to be suspect of that little conjunction “if.” And the devastation<br />
wrought when dropped on an unsuspecting victim is enormous.<br />
Fast forward.<br />
I married my high school sweetheart (not the bus stop bomber) and we’ve introduced<br />
three new lives onto the big, blue marble. If I’m honest, not every breath has been<br />
dramatic, effortless, and filled with pregnant anticipation. Marian and I have celebrated<br />
the triumph and the tragedy; the pleasure and the pain; the daylight and the darkness.<br />
We’ve dropped our share of bombs on each other. And the fallout wasn’t pretty. Yet<br />
through it all, among other things we’ve learned to say: Thank you, You’re correct, I’m<br />
sorry—and mean it.<br />
I like the ancient Hebrew description of it: “… a man leaves his father and mother and<br />
is united to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two but one.”<br />
Perhaps I now perpetually have that look on my face, but I’m often asked, “What piece<br />
of advice would you give to couples” That’s a decent question, but I liked this question<br />
better when it recently landed in my inbox: “What advice would you offer twenty-something<br />
newlyweds (or couples about to take the plunge)”<br />
Here’s one, which might surprise you...<br />
Stop dropping If-bombs!<br />
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“If” has many uses. When it’s employed as a part of couple-speak, especially during<br />
moments of tension, unfortunately it often presents as:<br />
“IF” CAN BE A BARGAINING CHIP.<br />
Him: “If she puts out, I’ll help around the house.”<br />
Her: “If he helps out more, I might want to have sex with him.”<br />
“IF” CAN BE A COVER-UP FOR FEAR.<br />
Him: “If she really knew what I was like, she’d reject me.”<br />
Her: “If I gain weight, he’ll look elsewhere.”<br />
“IF” CAN BE A BLAME GAME.<br />
Him: “If she weren’t such a nag, we’d be happy.”<br />
Her: “If he didn’t waste so much money, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”<br />
Does any of this sound familiar<br />
If-bombs place people in competitive postures against one another. And since the DNA<br />
of competition requires that there be a winner and a loser, as a couple that translates<br />
into “me versus you—one or both of us loses.”<br />
In other words, when you compete with one another—when you insist on dropping<br />
if-bombs—you set yourself up for failure as a couple.<br />
Several years into our <strong>marriage</strong>, I found myself at a career tipping point, which caused<br />
me to doubt some long-held ideals. I was nervous to have an open dialogue with Marian<br />
about them. I was nervous she might reject the new direction I was considering;<br />
ergo, reject me.<br />
Can you say collateral damage<br />
In retrospect, the particular issue wasn’t even a big deal. But I let it slip into “me versus<br />
her.” Subconsciously. Unintentionally. Painfully. So I hid from my own wife, which<br />
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meant that both of us were losing.<br />
Should you choose to leverage If-bombs as bargaining chips, or cover-ups for fear, or<br />
to blame your spouse, I’ve got some hard news for you: You might just find that your<br />
shared millions of breaths will develop into a lifetime of very labored breathing with<br />
the odds stacked against you.<br />
Permit me to suggest an alternative: “us versus the distractions—with a chance that<br />
we’ll both win.”<br />
DISTRACTIONS: A PARTIAL LISTING<br />
• Money<br />
• Death<br />
• Employment<br />
• Children<br />
• Sickness<br />
• Attraction to Others<br />
• Aging Parents<br />
• Sex<br />
• Religion<br />
• Power<br />
• Friends<br />
• Personal Baggage<br />
• Extended Family<br />
• Cultural Distinctions<br />
• Personal Habits<br />
• Society<br />
• Pizza Toppings<br />
(okay kidding, kind of )<br />
Distractions are natural. They’re coming whether you like it or not. They happen with<br />
or without your permission. And in reality, you often play a role in creating the very<br />
distractions you will encounter as a couple.<br />
Distractions are powerful. They can kill your <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
But they don’t have to.<br />
If it’s “me versus you,” there is an enormous need, perceived or real, to come out on<br />
top. (Self-preservation is like a horse that has bolted from the barn—quickly escaping<br />
and very difficult to retrieve. And it kicks up a lot of dust in the form of arguments,<br />
misrepresentation, misunderstanding, and hurt.)<br />
On the contrary, “us versus the distractions” animates your relationship and conversations<br />
center around the topic at hand, rather than the persons involved. This opens<br />
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up the freedom for some healthy discussion, which doesn’t need to include personal<br />
attacks.<br />
To paraphrase a dear friend of mine,<br />
“Tough issues can make us fearful or defensive. However, a good conversation does not<br />
dismiss another’s viewpoint. A healthy conversation is open and honest. Each person<br />
seeks to give and receive, and each has a genuine interest in the perspective and<br />
knowledge of the other person.”<br />
Now that is what an “us versus the distractions” kind of relationship looks like.<br />
And that’s what can happen when you stop dropping If-bombs.<br />
PAUL EDWARD RALPH<br />
Paul Edward Ralph has three first names. Odd, we know. But hey, he’s<br />
a Canadian who leads a team of experienced collaborators at www.<br />
theideascafe.com, and also helps non-profit organizations cultivate<br />
generosity at www.PathwaysFund.com. “Don’t buy the lie that practice<br />
makes perfect,” claims this husband and father. “Practice makes permanent.”<br />
And guided by this mantra Paul pursues life by cultivating<br />
conversations of unhurried intimacy.<br />
world PaulERalph.com<br />
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GOOD GIRLS LIKE SEX TOO<br />
How to Initiate Sex with Your Husband<br />
SHEILA WRAY GREGOIRE<br />
Out of the last five times you’ve made love, how many have you initiated, and how<br />
many has your husband initiated<br />
If you say he’s initiated all 5, that could be a problem!<br />
Now, I know sometimes you just start making love because you’re kissing and snuggling,<br />
and it’s not clear who initiated. It just happened (all the more reason to go to<br />
bed at the same time, so that things can “just happen”!). Or sometimes he has a really<br />
low sex drive, so the whole initiation pattern is thrown off.<br />
But quite often we get into this rut where he wants sex more than you do, so he’s<br />
the one who initiates. Maybe you’re not even sure how to initiate sex, because you’ve<br />
never really done it!<br />
When I was researching my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I did surveys<br />
and interviewed both men and women. And here’s what one guy said about initiation:<br />
“Men don’t want to be placated; they want to be wanted.”<br />
Paul Byerly, who writes at the Generous Husband, puts it this way:<br />
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“For men, sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates<br />
the opposite. I realize this is not usually what women are communicating with sex<br />
and saying no, but it is what men feel.”<br />
Even when you convince a man this is not what you mean, he will still feel it.<br />
When a man feels a good sexual connection with his wife, he starts to want other<br />
forms of intimacy. Not tolerate—want. The need was always there, but it is hard to<br />
hear over the much louder need for sexual intimacy.<br />
So, ladies, it’s time to step up to the plate!<br />
But how do you initiate sex<br />
I’d like to share 10 tips on how to initiate sex with your husband—and help your<br />
husband feel like the most blessed man in the world.<br />
1. DO SHOW ENTHUSIASM.<br />
Initiating sex requires enthusiasm. The following do NOT count as initiating sex:<br />
(Lying in bed, arms crossed. Turning head towards him). We can if you wanna.<br />
(Standing at the bottom of the stairs, heading up to bed). I’m heading to bed. If you<br />
come up within the next 10 minutes we may still have time, I guess.<br />
(Lying in bed, looking at the ceiling). So, I shaved my legs today.<br />
(Lying in bed, arms crossed). So...I guess we’re due, eh (Sorry, that’s the Canadian<br />
coming out in me).<br />
If you’re going to initiate, the first step is NOT telling him “do you wanna” The first<br />
step is getting in the right frame of mind for sex so that you’re enthusiastic about it,<br />
too!<br />
2. DON’T OVERTHINK IT.<br />
Why don’t we initiate sex Because often as soon as the thought pops into our heads<br />
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we talk ourselves out of it. Do I want to tonight Well, I don’t know. It is kind of late,<br />
and I do need my sleep. And he wasn’t very nice to me tonight. He hardly hugged me<br />
when he came home from work. I just feel so distant right now.<br />
I can’t make love if we’re distant, can I Wouldn’t that be deceptive And what if the<br />
kids wake up And what if....<br />
Turn it off! Seriously. When you get the thought, pounce on it! You’ll be happier<br />
later—and you’ll likely sleep better, too!<br />
3. DON’T BE EMBARRASSED.<br />
“Good girls don’t like sex.”<br />
Did you grow up thinking that If you grew up thinking that only boys wanted sex,<br />
and girls just acquiesced, then you may think that it’s your role to sit back and just<br />
respond to him. Anything else somehow upsets the apple cart.<br />
But good girls do want sex! God gave us sex drives, too. And inside <strong>marriage</strong>, sex is<br />
supposed to be a wonderful thing for both of you!<br />
Think about it this way: This is the only man on earth who can touch you like that.<br />
He’s the only man on earth who really truly knows you. You don’t need to be embarrassed<br />
around him.<br />
I know that can be a hard transition to make. But practice little things, like saying to<br />
him the morning after you made love, “I had fun last night”, or “you made me feel<br />
great!”<br />
Practice talking about it afterwards. It makes it easier to talk about it beforehand.<br />
4. DON’T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.<br />
If you’re embarrassed about saying, “do you want to make love tonight”, then you<br />
may not give clear signals.<br />
My husband was leaving for a business trip for a week recently, and he was spending<br />
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the morning before he left sorting papers and paying bills and getting some tasks done<br />
around the house. I kept getting up from my computer whenever he got up from his,<br />
walking over to see if I could get him interested in something, but I never let him<br />
know what I was doing.<br />
I thought he was just busy and wasn’t interested. But after following him around like<br />
a puppy dog for an hour, he finally turned to me and said, “are you okay” I said, “I<br />
just thought we could go upstairs for some fun before you left.” He jumped on board<br />
immediately.<br />
I had thought he was busy and rejecting me, but he just really didn’t know what I was<br />
getting at.<br />
Men are usually afraid of getting rejected, and if he tends to have the higher sex drive<br />
in your <strong>marriage</strong>, he may have conditioned himself to never think about it, or to try<br />
not to assume you’re going somewhere, because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up.<br />
Subtlety, then, isn’t a good thing. Be obvious. It’s easier on everyone!<br />
5. DO USE YOUR HANDS.<br />
Don’t like talking about sex You don’t have to. Come up behind him, wrap your arms<br />
around him, start nibbling his ear, and let your hands wander. Or lead him to the<br />
bedroom—but not with his hand.<br />
You can get things going without saying any words, if the words make you shy. Just do<br />
it!<br />
6. DO BE CREATIVE.<br />
Initiating sex can start earlier in the day. You can text him at work (“You’re in for it<br />
tonight!”). You can get dressed in your “pretty” underwear (not your functional underwear),<br />
and let him see, and say something like, “so this is what I’ll be wearing all<br />
day today....” You can put a note in his lunchbox, like a Skor bar, and say, “Wanna Skor<br />
tonight”<br />
If a thought occurs to you, do it! Chances are it’s a good thought, and most guys won’t<br />
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laugh at you. They’ll definitely go with it.<br />
7. DO LAUGH.<br />
It’s okay to smile, and chuckle, and be giggly. It’s okay to act like teenagers. It doesn’t<br />
have to be super serious. You can joke around. “Hey, Big Man, do you have anything to<br />
help Little Ole Me” You can flirt with your husband! It really is okay.The more laughter,<br />
the more fun all around.<br />
8. DO BE EYE CANDY (IT’S OKAY!)<br />
Instead of wearing your flannel pyjamas, get into some silk ones. Or put on a matching<br />
bra and panty set, and as you get undressed, show him what you’re wearing. Try<br />
putting on a teddy!<br />
Or go naked underneath a bathrobe and “flash” him while he’s downstairs. Then walk<br />
away, and see if he follows.<br />
9. DO FOLLOW THROUGH.<br />
If you’ve been texting him all day, or you whispered in his ear when he walked in the<br />
door, then do follow through. It’s hard on a guy to get his engines revving and then<br />
stopping with no warning. Obviously if something comes up you may have to forego<br />
sex that evening, but if you’ve been hinting, then as much as possible, set the right<br />
conditions.<br />
Don’t watch a chick flick if it’s likely to make you so tired that at the end of it you<br />
want to collapse into bed. It may seem romantic, but if it will push bedtime back too<br />
far, then make love first, before the movie.<br />
Don’t get on the computer thinking, “after I’m done this we’ll head upstairs.” If sex is<br />
your plan, then make sure it happens early, when you’re still thinking about it, rather<br />
than giving other things—the news, the computer, the movies—a chance to distract<br />
you and make you change your mind.<br />
10. DO BE ACTIVE.<br />
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Once you’ve caught his attention, and you’re heading to the bedroom, don’t let the<br />
initiation end. Be active as you make love. Touch him. Guide his hand. Be the aggressor—at<br />
least a little bit. Find a good position yourself. When you’re active, it shows<br />
him, “I want to do this.” If you lie there on your back and don’t do much, he may<br />
think, “she’s just doing this for me.” Show him you are interested, and you do want<br />
this to happen—by making it happen!<br />
Ultimately, you don’t have to do all of these things. Pick 1-3 and then just do them.<br />
Small changes now can add up to big changes in the long run.<br />
Now go and have a great time with your man.<br />
SHELIA WREY GREGOIRE<br />
Sheila Wray Gregoire is a popular <strong>marriage</strong> speaker and blogger. The<br />
author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31<br />
Days to Great Sex, she loves encouraging women to find the intimacy<br />
that God designed us for. She blogs everyday at ToLoveHonorandVacuum.com<br />
world ToLoveHonorandVacuum.com twitter @sheilagregoire<br />
Buy The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex<br />
80
HOLD HANDS<br />
How to Stay Connected to Your Spouse<br />
LIZ & RYAN BOWER<br />
Have you ever seen a little old couple walking down the street, hand in hand or arm<br />
in arm No matter who you are, a sight like this absolutely warms your heart. Their<br />
physical connection of love is powerful, even to an innocent bystander.<br />
Generally our immediate reaction goes something like this:<br />
Liz (poking or tapping me on the arm): “Aww, did you see that cute little old couple”<br />
Ryan: “They look so cute together. I hope we are still that much in love at that age.”<br />
Over the past seven years of <strong>marriage</strong> we’ve learned many important things. But one<br />
of the most important things we’ve learned is the importance of staying connected to<br />
each other—both emotionally and physically.<br />
For us, it’s pretty simple, the more connected we are, the happier we are together.<br />
During our wedding, this idea was shared from the Bible passage Mark 10:8.<br />
“and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.”<br />
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By saying “I Do” we agreed to become one. How much more connected can you get<br />
than that<br />
But even knowing we are happier when truly connected, we are often challenged to<br />
remain one flesh. In everyday life there are so many things that pull for our attention,<br />
the attention that we should be focusing on each other in order to create a truly connected<br />
relationship.<br />
A simple example of one thing that pulls for our attention is the digital device you are<br />
reading this on. According to a July 2013 article on Yahoo!, Americans spend 23 hours<br />
a week on digital devices, social media and texting. That’s nearly an entire day! If you<br />
figure an average of 7 hours of sleep per night, that’s nearly 20% of the remaining<br />
waking hours in a week! And this report is nearly a year old, so that average is probably<br />
even higher now.<br />
Staying physically connected can also be a huge challenge as well. The weight of <strong>marriage</strong><br />
even affects something as simple as holding hands.<br />
According to the book The Normal Bar, “Most couples hold hands often in their first<br />
five years together, but things start to change around year six. That drop-off is significant<br />
(11%) but not as dramatic as the plunge after ten or more years, when more than<br />
half of couples no longer hold hands.”<br />
Fortunately we have found a few easy answers (easy to say, although not always easy to<br />
implement!) to remaining more fully connected with each other.<br />
First, we do our best to turn off our digital devices or at least put them away after<br />
8pm. Instead of spending time looking at a screen, we look at each other. And no<br />
matter what, we reconnect emotionally with each other each night by simply talking<br />
with each other before we go to bed. We talk about our day, our hopes and our dreams<br />
for the next day, and what we can do to be better partners to each other.<br />
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Our friends Jenny and Matt, a couple we met and interviewed out near Los Angeles,<br />
have a similar rule they call “Five Minutes on the Couch.” Each day after they get<br />
home from work, they sit on the couch together, without distractions, and catch back<br />
up with each other. Their conversations help them stay current with each other and<br />
more emotionally connected.<br />
Another thing we try to do is to act like that little old couple. We make a conscious<br />
effort to hold hands as we walk and we take moments to hug each other throughout<br />
the day.<br />
Finally, if you don’t think staying connected is that big of a deal, consider this.<br />
It’s been shown that the simple act of holding hands can reduce stress (Check out this<br />
TEDx talk). Also, simply touching each other has been shown to communicate emotions<br />
of gratitude, trust, and love.<br />
All of which are emotions nearly everyone will tell you are keys to greater happiness<br />
and a more amazing <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
LIZ & RYAN BOWER<br />
Hello Friends! We are Liz and Ryan, millennials, storytellers, wedding<br />
photographers, dream believers and AMAZING life inspirers. We are<br />
high school sweethearts, married for almost 7 years, and business partners<br />
for 5. Our dream is to inspire all couples to live a more AMAZING<br />
Life Together.<br />
world www.amazinglifetogether.com<br />
twitter @AMZLIfeTogether<br />
83
MARRIAGE ISN’T ABOUT FINDING<br />
THE RIGHT PERSON<br />
KRIS WOLFE<br />
The best <strong>marriage</strong> advice I’ve ever received is simple:<br />
“Marriage isn’t about finding the right person. It’s about becoming the right person.”<br />
If you want to find the right person for <strong>marriage</strong>, it’s not about finding the best technique,<br />
or pick-up lines. It’s not about short-term fixes, one-night stands, or anything<br />
that adds another notch to your bedpost.<br />
It’s about becoming the best individual you can be so you can attract<br />
the best spouse for you.<br />
Wearing a mask is exhausting. Putting on a front takes ridiculous effort. You are not<br />
the same person when you strive and become desperate. We pound the ground, get<br />
caught up in distraction, stir up dust, creating a snow globe of confusion and illusion,<br />
and when we are tired from the effort, our feet slow down, the dust begins to settle,<br />
we finally rest, and there lies our authentic self. Humbled, we face ourselves; or embarrassed,<br />
we finally expose the true self to everyone close to us.<br />
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We create dust bowls just to get in relationships. The impression we make is a whole<br />
new front as we strive to find “the one.” We’ve all heard the old adage, “After six<br />
months of dating, you’ll finally discover who your partner really is.” What really<br />
happens is six months in, we become comfortable, let our guards down, and reveal our<br />
true self.<br />
The problem is, the other half isn’t impressed—rightfully so.<br />
Sometimes we try to find the perfect mate who will keep the illusory dust image<br />
around us. However, a spouse cannot complete you, and deep down, we know that. If<br />
we have no interest in dealing with our issues, we really just want someone who can<br />
hide our true selves away and make us forget any pain we’ve been dealt.<br />
Who are you when the dust settles<br />
If <strong>marriage</strong> is about becoming the right person, then it all begins at ground zero. It begins<br />
with an honest assessment, an unconditional acceptance, and a desire to be better<br />
than where we are at this moment. It’s also the realization we cannot become the right<br />
person alone.<br />
There’s a reason one of the best self-improvement programs is Alcoholics Anonymous.<br />
The 12 steps start with acceptance, acknowledging the need for a savior (“a higher<br />
power”), assessing your morals, forgiving, etc. It’s a humble new beginning.<br />
One of the most powerful experiences I’ve had was attending an AA meeting with a<br />
friend. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. I saw people accept their condition, and<br />
surrender. I realized that despite the fact I had given my life to Jesus, there was still<br />
shame, and history tucked neatly under a rug. That night gave me confidence to start a<br />
journey to become the man I was supposed to be.<br />
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It wasn’t long before I started seeing a counselor, joined a therapy group, and began<br />
seeking out healing ministries. I’m glad I did. My thoughts transformed, my habits<br />
changed, and when I met my wife, I had become the right person for myself, and for<br />
her.<br />
Maybe we need to accept our imperfections, and find refuge in our savior. Maybe we<br />
need others around us who will push us to a higher standard of living, and maybe we<br />
need to change our way of thinking and begin a new life.<br />
You choose. Which do you want: to hide behind the illusion and be covered by a dust<br />
storm, or be covered with the redeeming love of Jesus<br />
KRIS WOLFE<br />
Kris Wolfe is the founder, editor, and writer on GoodGuySwag.com. He<br />
currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife Kristen (former Miss USA<br />
and founder of SheIsMore.com), where he leads a men’s group comprised<br />
of influencers in the entertainment industry. He’s a health and<br />
fitness freak, and in his spare time, is involved on the Board of Directors<br />
for Olive Crest, an organization devoted to families and placement<br />
of foster children.<br />
world<br />
goodguyswag.com<br />
86
DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE THE ONE<br />
THAT LOVES THE MOST<br />
How I Discovered Love is Not Weakness.<br />
NATE BAGLEY<br />
On December 11th, 2013 I found myself in a car driving through the back roads of<br />
Georgia with a stiff back and weary eyes. I had spent the last two months of my life<br />
sleeping on couches, driving from city to city with my friend, Melissa, as we searched<br />
the United States for the most passionately in-love couples we could find.<br />
We were nearing the end of our journey, and as always, I had no idea what to expect<br />
from the couple we were about to meet. I had no way of knowing I would receive the<br />
most important love advice of my life.<br />
When we arrived at Joseph and Anne Gaston’s home, we were treated with 60+ years<br />
worth of stories and experiences. They told us how they met and how they fell in<br />
love. They recounted the struggles that came with working in the medical field while<br />
raising a family, how they had to sacrifice important things so the other could pursue<br />
their dreams.<br />
Conversations like this are what I live for—rich in stories, personality, and practical<br />
advice. These are the reason I started recording these stories in the first place.<br />
As we were winding down the conversation, we asked the Gastons if they could leave<br />
the world with one bit of love advice, what would it be<br />
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Without missing a beat, Anne said,<br />
“Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.”<br />
I felt the air get sucked from my lungs as the power of her words sank in.<br />
I had always been taught that “the person who cares the least always has the most<br />
power.” We tell ourselves that not caring—not loving—means we get to dictate the<br />
pace of the relationship and the level of commitment. We believe the person who<br />
cares the least worries the least, stresses the least, and has the most freedom to do<br />
as they please.<br />
We say that loving makes you weak and vulnerable. It makes you a captive in your<br />
own relationship, subject to the feelings, moods, and desires of the one you love.<br />
One simple sentence by an 80-year-old woman changed a lifetime of belief for me.<br />
I suddenly realized that love is not weakness. It’s power.<br />
Love is the fuel that makes relationships work. Loving someone more than they<br />
love you is not stupid or crazy or foolish. It’s the bravest thing you can do in this<br />
life.<br />
True love is given without conditions or expectation of reciprocation. We can love<br />
others even when they are imperfect and flawed. We can cherish them, serve them,<br />
and forgive them even when they break promises, say unintentionally hurtful<br />
things, fall short, or forget.<br />
Love is unfair… and that’s what makes it so amazing and beautiful.<br />
When we aren’t afraid to be the one who loves the most, and we find a partner who<br />
is also committed to loving big, we get the experience of receiving love even (and<br />
especially) in the moments we least deserve it.<br />
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DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE THE ONE THAT LOVES THE MOST<br />
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That is what true love is all about. Don’t miss out on true, deep, meaningful, connected<br />
love.<br />
Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.<br />
NATE BAGLEY<br />
Nate Bagley is the creator of The Loveumentary, a project dedicated to<br />
revealing what truly happy, healthy relationships have in common. He’s<br />
traveled all over the united states and spoken with hundreds of couples<br />
to learn what makes their relationships so incredible. He shares those<br />
insights via his blog and podcast which can be found at loveumentary.<br />
com.<br />
world loveumentary.com twitter @loveumentary<br />
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WHEN THE MARITAL GRASS LOOKS<br />
GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF<br />
THE FENCE<br />
6 questions to ask when <strong>marriage</strong> isn’t so great<br />
RACHEL WOJNAROWSKI<br />
Sometimes it’s hard to remember every detail of one of the biggest days of my life. With<br />
all the work and preparation, every flower and candle should be pierced into my memory,<br />
but sometimes I have to turn the pages of my wedding photo album to remember the little<br />
things that meant so much that day.<br />
The same holds true with <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
Oh, I can read the best <strong>marriage</strong> book ever written and be inspired to become the best wife<br />
on the planet. The only problem is, a few days later, I’ve forgotten what really inspired me<br />
and my husband left his clothes hanging on the treadmill… again.<br />
And there it is—the need to remember why I married him. Which, if you are wondering,<br />
wasn’t because he perfectly places his clothes on hangers in the closet.<br />
Recently my husband and I attended a gorgeous wedding together.<br />
The most beautiful moments of the wedding (and there were many of them—in word,<br />
deed, and environment—led me to mentally acknowledge that every moment of their<br />
<strong>marriage</strong> won’t be nearly this perfect. You know what I mean<br />
In the light of personality shifts or age changes or life circumstances, sometimes it’s easy<br />
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When the Marital Grass Looks Greener on the Other Side of the Fence 91<br />
to forget the reason we chose to love this man or woman. Something doesn’t get checked<br />
off the honey-do list or the car breaks down for the third time in a week, or his attitude<br />
stinks and her mouth needs a zipper.<br />
Sometimes, it gets easy to think the marital grass is greener on the other side of the<br />
fence—that your friend or relative or acquaintance has a better <strong>marriage</strong> than you do.<br />
Social media often confirms our thoughts of the neighbor’s “dream <strong>marriage</strong>.”<br />
After all, no one ever posts a photo of two people ignoring each other at the dinner table.<br />
No one posts a photo of him sleeping on the couch or her curled up in the bathroom,<br />
crying. So it’s easy to look at our neighbors or Facebook friends or friends or whomever<br />
and wish our <strong>marriage</strong> was like theirs.<br />
But the bottom line is this: when the marital grass starts looking greener on the other side<br />
of the fence, there are some things you can do (rather than glaring over the fence, day<br />
after day, wishing for greener grass) that might actually be productive.<br />
Here are 6 questions to ask yourself when married life seems tough.<br />
1. AM I WATERING<br />
Have I been pouring into my <strong>marriage</strong> or sucking the life out of it Without deposits of<br />
time, energy and effort going into a <strong>marriage</strong>, you can be sure it will dry up. As a couple,<br />
are we spending time quality together on a regular basis Am I giving the energy and<br />
effort to my spouse (forgiveness, patience) I want to receive from them<br />
2. AM I FERTILIZING<br />
Have I taken the time to seasonally nourish my spouse Spelled out plainly: Do I remember<br />
important dates in our relationship Do I encourage my spouse’s goals Do I praise my<br />
spouse’s achievements<br />
3. AM I PRUNING<br />
Sometimes we need to trim off a few dead ends to keep <strong>marriage</strong> fresh. When we’ve<br />
settled into habits that aren’t appreciated by our spouse, it’s time to get rid of those habits.<br />
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When the Marital Grass Looks Greener on the Other Side of the Fence 92<br />
4. AM I WEEDING<br />
If bitterness has taken root and crabgrass is overtaking the whole yard, no wonder the<br />
neighbor’s grass is looking better. I once heard my father-in-law pray: “Lord, let us remember<br />
not to let the sun go down on our wrath but to forgive one another each day.”<br />
5. AM I SEEDING<br />
Those worn out places of <strong>marriage</strong> may need a little revitalizing! Do something new together.<br />
Try a new restaurant. Plan a weekend trip. Grow new areas of interest together! My<br />
hubby and I found running is a wonderful way to seed our <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
6. DO WE NEED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL ADVICE<br />
How do we know when to seek marital counseling When either partner feels deeply that<br />
outside assistance is needed.<br />
There are times when married life doesn’t just seem tough, it is tough. But the questions<br />
above are ones that can be used to take a step back and determine if we are ready to be<br />
part of the solution.<br />
RACHEL WOJNAROWSKI<br />
Rachel Wojnarowski is a sought-after blogger, writer and speaker. She<br />
teaches Bible studies in central Ohio and she and her husband, Matt,<br />
enjoy caring for their busy family of 7 children.<br />
world rachelwojo.com twitter @RachelWojo<br />
92
MARRIAGE DOESN’T HAPPEN ON<br />
YOUR WEDDING DAY<br />
JARED BLACK<br />
About a decade ago, my wife Stephanie and I were enjoying a rare night out together<br />
away from our then two young children. We were visiting a church and the service<br />
concluded with an opportunity to pair up with someone for prayer. In a casual moment<br />
of introduction, we announced to our prayer partner that we had been married<br />
for five years. Without a beat, the woman made a statement that has forever altered<br />
the way I view <strong>marriage</strong>. She stated, simply and boldly (with a southern drawl), “five<br />
years of <strong>marriage</strong> It’s like y’all are in Kindergarten!”<br />
Until that moment, I had never considered <strong>marriage</strong>—especially our <strong>marriage</strong>—<br />
through the lens of a development cycle. Instead, I had somehow assumed <strong>marriage</strong><br />
was an event that happened on a specific date, in a specific year.<br />
As far as I was concerned, I was married…end of story. However, the thought of a five<br />
year old—a kindergartener—full of potential, full of questions, and pregnant with a<br />
developing future (not to mention all the tantrums, immaturity, and poor communication)—seemed<br />
to do a better job describing what my wife and I had been experiencing<br />
day-to-day.<br />
Suddenly the first five years of our <strong>marriage</strong>—with the continual struggle to communicate<br />
with each other or make mutual decisions without one of us feeling violat-<br />
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Marriage Doesn’t Happen on Your Wedding Day<br />
94<br />
ed—came into focus. No wonder we didn’t know exactly how to communicate with<br />
one another. No wonder we weren’t experts at conflict resolution or unity or mutual<br />
decision-making. We were only five-years old in our <strong>marriage</strong> (at the time). Would we<br />
expect a five-year-old child to be able to write a college essay Of course not. A fiveyear-old<br />
can’t be expected to act or communicate like an adult.<br />
And yet it seems we make this mistake often when it comes to <strong>marriage</strong>. We expect<br />
ourselves—or other people—to be able to function likely fully grown adults in <strong>marriage</strong>,<br />
when the truth is we simply haven’t arrived at that stage of growth as a couple.<br />
The hope for the five-year-old is not to act like an adult, but to learn what it takes to<br />
become an adult—and to be given the tools to grow into a happy, productive, functioning<br />
adult. The goal is not to avoid childhood altogether, but to grow out of the<br />
childhood eventually—with all it’s vying for attention, temper tantrums, and selfishness<br />
and to grow into something more mature.<br />
It occurred to me after this experience: what if we looked at our <strong>marriage</strong>s this way<br />
How would it change the way they function<br />
This thought process has lead to the more foundational belief that <strong>marriage</strong> is an ongoing<br />
action discovered with my wife; a development cycle. Marriage isn’t something we<br />
accomplished the day we said “I Do”. That was only the beginning of an entirely new<br />
being; the “one new flesh” so often referenced during traditional <strong>marriage</strong> ceremonies<br />
was born that day and must continue growing.<br />
The day of <strong>marriage</strong> is not the end of the story, but the beginning. It brings into creation<br />
a brand new infant couple, pledging to learn the art of marrying their individual<br />
lives into one combined, married, maturing life together.<br />
In other words, as much as I am presently married to Stephanie, it is more accurate to<br />
say that each day we are actively marrying each other further—as we bring our individual<br />
thoughts, responses, fears, and strengths into this intimate bond together.<br />
So how does that change how we act as a married couple<br />
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Marriage Doesn’t Happen on Your Wedding Day<br />
95<br />
Most importantly, Steph and I have discovered our primary goal isn’t “learning to be<br />
married” in a static sense so much as learning the art of marrying our own individual<br />
responses, desires, and efforts in any present moment. Marriage is a moment-by-moment<br />
kind of thing. I know that can sound pretty vague, so here’s an example.<br />
When we have a conflict, it is most often caused by one of a few things—a difference<br />
in the way we see a certain situation, unspoken expectations that aren’t met, or general<br />
frustration at the way the other person has handled something. As we approach the<br />
problem at hand, we each have different ways of dealing with it (dictated by our past<br />
experiences, our temperaments and personalities and also our fears and wounds). This<br />
can really easily lead to tension, as we we each seek to solve the conflict in our own<br />
individualistic way; through our own lenses, valuing our decision and actions as more<br />
“right” or more important than the decisions or actions of our spouse.<br />
What we need in that moment isn’t a better <strong>marriage</strong>. What we need is to embrace the<br />
opportunity to marry in that moment.<br />
In other words, what we need is to practice a method of resolving (read re-solve) the<br />
situation through communication. Since it is clear that I have solved the situation a<br />
certain way and she has solved it a different way—or that I have one opinion and she<br />
has another—then it becomes equally clear that on that particular issue, we now have<br />
an invitation to become married (again). This is nothing to freak out about, but something<br />
to verbally acknowledge so that the work of re-solving can produce the intimacy<br />
only the ongoing marrying of our two individual lives can bring.<br />
The practice of re-solving marital issues revolves around learning to communicate<br />
well with your spouse. This takes practice.<br />
Two individuals are almost always terrible at this at first (so if you have hard time<br />
communicating with your spouse, give yourself some grace). But most unresolved<br />
issues in <strong>marriage</strong> stem around each person’s inability to effectively hear what the<br />
other person is saying, and more importantly why they are saying it. Quality communication<br />
begins not by being a good talker, but by becoming a great listener.<br />
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Marriage Doesn’t Happen on Your Wedding Day<br />
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Steph and I now jokingly say that the first one of us to hear the other wins the argument.<br />
Why<br />
Because is it only by focusing on what the other is saying, getting into their head,<br />
seeing the values that were driving their decisions and actions in the moment, can<br />
we finally get about the beauty of marrying our two individual worlds into a shared,<br />
exciting world of <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
*This is an excerpt from an interview featured in Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions<br />
& the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person.<br />
JARED BLACK<br />
Jared Black is the Vice President of Gabriel Communications and is<br />
pursuing a PhD in Religion and Society at Oxford Graduate School.<br />
world jaredethanblack.com<br />
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6 SHORT, SWEET & TWEETABLE<br />
PIECES OF ADVICE<br />
“The moment you say “I Do”, you set out on your promise to bend not break, give not take,<br />
turn toward not away, hold on not stray. You will find that through every change and challenge,<br />
this love will test your vows. “I do” will lead you through it all if you’re willing to learn<br />
how. For the wedding cake is rich and fresh, but the taste of true love lives in the leftovers.”<br />
Christine Carter<br />
The Mom Café<br />
“Be infinitely more concerned about the kind of spouse YOU are rather than the kind of<br />
spouse your mate is. Spend your life studying how to be the person and spouse God commands<br />
you to be in His Word. Be responsible for finding all of your contentment and joy in<br />
Christ alone for yourself instead of making your spouse responsible for your spiritual and<br />
emotional health. The way you treat your spouse, especially when he/she is sinning against<br />
you, is a tangible measure of the level of your actual love, reverence and submission to Christ.”<br />
April Cassidy<br />
Peaceful Wife<br />
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Marriage Doesn’t Happen on Your Wedding Day 98<br />
“Marriage is not static. It’s not a one-size fits all pair of jeans that will always wear the exact<br />
same. The conditions in your <strong>marriage</strong> may change, but your commitment should not.<br />
Marriage doesn’t define us, we define it.”<br />
Paul Angone<br />
All Groan Up<br />
Untie yourself from the expectations we all drag into <strong>marriage</strong>. My ideas of a “perfect <strong>marriage</strong>”<br />
weren’t only unrealistic; they diminished my appreciation of my husband and damaged<br />
the relationship. Embracing the real us and jettisoning the perfect ideal living in my<br />
head has brought deeper love and greater joy to our relationship. Just perfect, right!<br />
Amy Carroll<br />
Amy Carroll’s Website<br />
Regarding love: Marvel at the many intricacies that make your spouse who they are, exude<br />
a spirit of gratitude and discovery, and revel in the blessings of laughter and a times of intimacy.<br />
Regarding tension: Seek to understand, forgive readily, and invest time to communicate<br />
and work it out. Regarding longevity: Manage your expectations as <strong>marriage</strong> ebbs and<br />
flows through different seasons, seasons of sacrifice or sickness . . . love and learn through<br />
them all. Regarding loyalty: Create boundaries, use discernment with social media, and<br />
appreciate the ways your relationship inspires you to grow.<br />
Wendy Paine Miller<br />
Thoughts That Move<br />
“A healthy <strong>marriage</strong> takes work. Engage seasons of difficulty with the perspective of wanting<br />
to learn and grow through it together, versus getting stuck in the moment by dwelling on the<br />
negative. Choose Growth in Marriage.”<br />
Angie Tolpin<br />
Angie Tolpin’s Website<br />
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PS. Hope Marriage it helped! Doesn’t If wanting Happen more, don’t Your forget Wedding to pick up Day a copy of Marriage<br />
99<br />
Rebranded; Modern misconceptions and the unnatural art of loving another person. In<br />
it, we talk about the ideas and mentalities that often set <strong>marriage</strong> up to feel unnatural<br />
and hard. We also will replace those ideas and mentalities with more timeless and<br />
proven ones by looking at the original meaning and purposes of <strong>marriage</strong>.<br />
“I am not a fan of ‘<strong>marriage</strong>’ books because<br />
they tend to be formulaic and boring. Marriage<br />
Rebranded is neither. Witty, entertaining and<br />
thoughtfully authentic...”<br />
William Paul Young, Author of The Shack<br />
“Tyler Ward asks all the right questions<br />
about <strong>marriage</strong> and comes up with<br />
compelling answers.”<br />
Gary Thomas, Author of Sacred Marriage<br />
“Wrapped in refreshing vulnerability, compelling<br />
storytelling, and uncommon insight, Marriage<br />
Rebranded is an absolute must-read<br />
for young couples.”<br />
Chance Scoggins, Grammy-winning Producer<br />
“In a culture where the sacramental vision of<br />
<strong>marriage</strong> continues to erode, Ward asks the big<br />
questions and invites the reader to contemplate<br />
the mystery of love.”<br />
Jonathan Jackson, 5-time-Emmy-Award Winning Actor<br />
AVAILABLE NOW ON 99 AMAZON
CREDITS<br />
ABOUT THE BOOKLET<br />
Design by JDSN<br />
Edited by Allison Vesterfelt<br />
Cover Art by Daniel Kim<br />
Special thanks to Joel Widmer and Fluxe Digital Marketing.<br />
PHOTO CREDITS<br />
Page 7<br />
Photo by Jordan Smith<br />
Page 54<br />
Photo by Wesly Ngetich<br />
Page 9<br />
Photo by Gemma Bou<br />
Page 57<br />
by Seth Rader<br />
Page 12<br />
Photo by jk+too<br />
Page 70<br />
Photo by Thomas Leuthard<br />
Page 23<br />
Photo by Cuffs6<br />
Page 84<br />
Photo by Jordan Smith<br />
Page 48<br />
Photo by Leafar<br />
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