Domestic Violence Counseling Manual - Hot Peach Pages

MENTAL PREPERATION
When someone experiences or lives with domestic violence there are also five main mental phases that
they go through in coping with the abuse. It is necessary to move through these phases in order to try to
leave a domestic violence situation. These stages are:
1. Shock/Denial
2. Bargaining: Tries to talk to or reason with the abuser
3. Anger
4. Depression (and realization): Rage is turned inwards, in extreme cases it can result in suicide
5. Acceptance: This is the stage where the abused is able to take action (usually in the tension or
explosion stage of the violence cycle).
It may take weeks, months, or years to reach the final stage. It may never be reached. In order to reach
this stage it is sometimes necessary to hit rock bottom, to reach the point where you have to move
somewhere and the only place is up. Even once the victim reaches this phase, she still needs to:
1. Seek emotional support and practical help
2. Make a crisis safety plan to help keep her and her children safe
3. Get advice about her legal rights and the appropriate procedures
It is extremely important to note that the victim must be the one to move herself through these
phases. It is, of course, helpful and almost necessary to have someone they can trust to talk to and rely
on for support—however this does not mean that you should take over the practical aspects of the process
for the victim. Resist the tendency to treat her as a helpless child and do everything for her. For her to be
able to successfully leave her abuser and rebuild her life she must be in control. This will help her to
regain confidence in herself and her ability to be self-sufficient.
PRACTICAL CHECKLIST (IF YOU’RE STAYING IN THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP)
Identify waning signs of abuse:
• Specific words and behaviors that precede a violent incident
• Specific actions or looks of your partner that inspire fear in you
Take actions before a violent incident to insure your protection:
• Create a list of emergency numbers and try to memorize it
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