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SPIRIT & MIND / EVERYTHING ELSE
SAVAGE LOVE
Dan Savage
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I’m a 25-year-old gay male into puppy play.
About a year ago, I joined a pack with one
Sir and several puppies. I became very
close to one of my “pup bros” and became
his alpha—meaning between the two of
us, I’m more Dom but still sub to our Sir.
Fast-forward nine months, and the pack has
fallen apart due to each of us going through
our own relationship troubles. My pup bro,
let’s call him Fido, breaks up with his vanillabut-open-relationship
boyfriend. Having such
a close bond with Fido, and already being
sexual, I bring up the idea of dating. He
admits he’s considered it and likes the idea
but is unsure. A bit later, he tells me: “I love
you, but I’m not ready for a commitment.”
But a couple weeks later, he tells me that
a Dom on the opposite coast wants to collar
him. I’ve talked with the Dom and don’t
particularly get along with him, but I have
tried to respect their connection. But now
it seems like Fido is using this Dom the same
way he used his past relationships—as a
way to avoid dealing with his own stuff.
Now he’s started pulling away from me,
saying that certain things (sex and cuddles)
with me feel too much like “boyfriends.”
His Dom also doesn’t trust me because
he thinks I have feelings for Fido. (I do have
feelings for him and never said I didn’t.)
To really make me feel like shit, I opened
Fido’s Scruff profile because he updated
his pic, and his profile says he’s looking
“ideally for a guy to cuddle with, laugh with,
spend adventures with,” i.e., everything
we used to do before he pulled away.
Am I deluding myself here? I thought this
was a “not yet” situation.
– Pensive Upset Puppy
Strip away the puppy masks, the alpha/beta pack
dynamics, and the various Doms—pretty much
everything that makes your question interesting—
and what are we left with? Just another dumped
motherfucker who doesn’t know that he’s
been dumped.
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, PUP,
but this isn’t a “not yet” situation. It’s a “not ever”
situation. Because it doesn’t matter if you’re gay
or straight, male or female, puppy or guppy—when
someone you’ve fallen for says, “I’m not ready
for a commitment,” what they mean is “I have
no interest in committing to you—not ever.” Fido
gave you a standard-issue brush-off line, PUP, one
that the hopeful, naive, and deluded frequently
fail to recognize. He should’ve had the balls and
the decency to be direct with you and gone with
something unambiguous like “You’re nice, we
had some good times, but I’m not interested
in pursuing anything further.” But he didn’t, and
as an adult person/puppy on the dating/scritching
scene, PUP, it’s your job to hear, “I’m not interested
in you” whenever someone says, “I’m not ready for
a commitment” or “I’m not sure what I want.”
The same goes anytime an “I love you” is
followed by a “but.” When someone says, “I love
you but,” it’s your job to hear, “I think you’re nice
and I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t feel about
you the way you do about me.”
Happily married straight woman here, just
post-hysterectomy. No penis-in-vagina sex
allowed for a few weeks. After years
of reading Savage Love, we know this
is a call for us to be creative, rather than
the death knell for our sex life. (Thank you!)
My question: Husband is well-endowed,
and sex with him has often included deep
thrusting and his cock repeatedly touching
my cervix. With no cervix anymore, though,
I worry: Will there be enough room in my
remodeled space for his whole cock? Once
I’m fully healed from surgery, will the vaginal
tissue, treated gently at first, stretch?
– Very Agitated Generally
“When a person has a hysterectomy, the cervix is
often removed and the end of the vagina is closed
so it’s an internal pouch, essentially,” said Dr. Leah
Torres, an ob-gyn practicing in Utah with a special
interest in reproductive health. “The bottom line
is this: Vaginas are elastic and should be able
to accommodate a variety of things of all shapes
and sizes, even after a hysterectomy. That said,
people who are menopausal (no periods for
12 months or more) or who have had their ovaries
removed (which may or may not happen during
a hysterectomy) no longer have estrogen.”
Estrogen, among other wonderful things,
keeps vaginas elastic and lubricated. “Without
estrogen, sometimes the vagina can feel dry and
intercourse can be painful,” said Dr. Torres. “For
someone without estrogen and also experiencing
VAG’s concerns, I would recommend using
lubrication with intercourse (when the time
comes) and possibly vaginal estrogen cream while
the vagina ‘readjusts.’ It’s also important for the
partner to realize that the vagina may feel a bit
different and there may be some adjustments
to new sensations. Patience and a steady-as-shegoes
attitude to postoperative vaginal intercourse
are best.”
Patience and a steady-as-she-goes attitude—
two things we should all bring to any sexual
encounter.
My boyfriend is turned on by CFNM—clothed
female, naked male—and his “ultimate
fantasy” is to be naked in a room of fullyclothed
women. So I asked four of my
(adventurous) female friends if they would
come to a small party at my apartment
where my boyfriend would be naked. When
I told him that his ultimate fantasy would
be coming true—doesn’t he have the best
girlfriend?!?—he got really angry and said
I had no right to share this information
and that he felt humiliated and exposed.
(Humiliated and exposed—I thought that
was the whole point of CFNM?!?) He was
so angry, he barely spoke to me for a week,
which sucked, and then today he asked me
when the party is going to happen! Have
a party?!? All I want to do now is slap him!
– Wants To Flip
Tell him the party is off, WTF, absent an apology
and an explanation from him. But you should
open with an apology of your own: Tell him you
should’ve checked with him before setting up the
party (“Do you want me to make this happen?
Because I have some friends who might be into it”)
and apologize for freaking him out. You know now
(because I’m telling you) that people who are into
humiliation scenes want to be in control until the
scene starts, i.e., involved in the negotiations and
the setup, and actively consenting.
As a hetero man, I was disappointed by
your response to DOMME in last week’s
column. She was the woman whose
husband wouldn’t go down on her.
DOMME stated—or her friend suggested
to her—that cunnilingus is something that
“mostly submissive men enjoy.” I have
no interest in the power/control dynamics
of domination/submission. Rather, sex
for me is an improvisational dance, and
mutual oral sex is a normal and lovely part
of the choreography. The misconception
that concern for women’s pleasure is
“submissive” seems like part of DOMME’s
problem, and you should have corrected her.
– Enjoys Oral, Not Submissive
Thanks for writing, and you’re right: I should’ve
slapped down the idea that only submissive men
are into eating pussy. I rolled my eyes pretty hard
when I read that line, EONS, but I really should’ve
used my fingers to bang out a sentence or two
refuting that notion instead. Mea culpa.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday
at thestranger.com/savage.mail@savagelove.net
46 HK MAGAZINE FRIDAY, august 15, 2014