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Is there a Disconnect between Torah Learning and Torah Living? : 29
It has become fashionable in some circles to refer to some or all
of the behaviors I have listed as reflecting “mere manners” and
therefore being unimportant. The claim is made that manners are
superficial and that one should instead work on developing middos,
middos being much deeper. There is some truth to that. Manners can
be superficial, and developing middos is a much more arduous, long
term, and profound process. But to have neither?! Furthermore,
manners, superficial as they may be, are a first step in the
development and growth of middos.
In addition to teaching our children what to do, we must teach
them what not to do. We need to be on the watch to keep them from
engaging in negative behaviors. We should not tolerate aggression,
hurtful behaviors, or chutzpa. Such patterns of behavior can be
stopped, but only if we decide we need to. With a properly thoughtout
and proactive plan of action, they can usually be almost fully
eradicated. We must use all the means at our disposal—explanation,
exhortation, reward, and punishment. We must stop negative
behaviors from developing into the habitual parts of our children’s
personality. Instead, we should reinforce their helpful behaviors until
they become second nature.
2. The Importance of Role Models: Focusing on How
We Speak, What We Say, and What We Do
Years of research, most prominently by Albert Bandura (1963 25 ,
1997 26 ) have taught us that children and adults learn much of their
behavior from the role models they meet, 27 i.e. their parents, their
teachers, and other prominent adults. The field of Social Learning
Theory has also demonstrated that, from the role models they see,
children learn their ways of thinking, their attitudes toward values,
their feeling that they are capable, and their belief that they can
exercise self-control. Chazal and our Sifrei Kodesh have of course
25 Bandura, Albert and Walters, Richard H., “Social Learning and
Personality Development,” Holt Rinehart and Winston, 1963.
26 Bandura, Albert, Self Efficacy: The Exercise of Control, Freeman,
1997.
27 For a timely piece on this topic in the popular press, see Bronson, Po,
Learning to Lie, New York Magazine, Feb.10, 2008.