NSO 2007 - The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

Volume LXXXII NSO 2007 Issue One
Editors-in-Chief:
Alexander G. King ‘08
Rahul M. Sharodi ‘09
Executive Editor:
Johnny McNulty ‘07.5
Jonathan Weinblatt ‘08
Managing Editors:
Matthew Fox ‘07
Kevin Kimura ‘08
Michelle Zimmerman ‘08
Editorial Staff
Associate Editors:
Shane Tepper ‘09
Walker Hawkins ‘10
Jotham Klein ‘10
Alex Jacobson ‘10
Queen of all Layout:
Jana Hirsch ‘10
Spoons:
Connie Mietus ‘09
John Bninski ‘09
Emily McGrath ‘09
Sri Kothur ‘09
Anya Mezina ‘09
Christine Weller ‘09
Colleen Wilson ‘09
Peter Richman ‘09
Tatiana Aparicio ‘10
Chris Kemendo ‘10
Rish Chaudhuri ‘10
See page 6.
We admit, we’re
Punch would like to thank $AC, Smoke’s,
Greek Lady, our generous alums and the 400.
Heretofore nonwithstanding: By continuing
to read said magazine (“Punch Bowl”), you,
the reader, waive the right to sue, take
offense, cower in fear, spontaneously combust,
swear fealty, and date. If you don't find
Punch Bowl funny, blame it on SAC and stop
writing for The Daily Pennsylvanian.
© Punch Bowl 2007

Letter From the President
Hello Customers!
Welcome to the University of Pennsylvania, Class of '11! That
isn't the most catchy graduation name, I mean, 'Class of eleven'
is a little weak, but what can you do? At least it rhymes with
“heaven,” “Senator Carl Levin” and “Lucky Number Slevin”
(that movie rawked!). LOL!
I know that you kids are at least a little bit nervous to be away
from home. And I also that NSO can be a big hassle, and it’s
filled with all sorts of booooring, pointless seminars, like how
to report a rape (“No” doesn’t always mean no, am I right
ladies?) So I wanted to give you some advice from stuff I’ve
learned in my THREE whole years at Penn (Woo Class of ’08!):
1) Firstly and most importantly, have fun! There’s so much for
you to experience at Penn over the next few years. I know you’re extremely intelligent and the kind
of person I probably picked on when I was in High School (NERDS!)- but don't worry, at Penn
there is a healthy anti-intellectual air, so get used to it. Even though all of our students can easily
discuss philosophy, literature or physics, many of them pretend to be dumb college stereotypes
interested only in beer and Dan Brown novels. Oh god, please let them be pretending.
2) Speaking of smarts, you kids got a lot of them, so be confident in yourself!! After all, we only
accepted you after rigorously considering your academic ability, intellectual passion, and ability to
pay us $40,000 dollars a year. If you're reading this, you passed! It may seem strange that we grill
you so much about coming here, since you're the ones with the money, but as long as we have a
reputation of exclusivity, you’ll understand. And don't worry, it’s seriously just a reputation: you'll
question how 'exclusive' Penn is when you step into Econ recitation.
3) Finally, take advantage of all of the opportunities Penn has to offer. We here at Penn have a
treasure chest of things to keep you kiddies occupied while we use your money to renovate the
Dueling Tampons! We have student groups ranging from frats and sororities to alljewish/asian/satanic
a capella groups (my fav is Penn SixSixSix!), so there is truly something for
everyone here. And, of course, if you don’t make the cut, you can always found a campus erotica
magazine or something.
So let me be the latest person to welcome you to the warm, friendly, and generally ghetto-fabulous
life at Penn. Just sit back, relax, and try to conserve a few brain cells for senior year.
Hugs, Kisses, and Disney Princess Unicorns,
Dr. Amy Gutmann
“A-Gut”
Volume LXXXII, NSO ‘07
1

How to Tell if you Have a Bad Roomate
There's no way to know from first impressions how your relationship with your roommate (or with the minority community) will turn out, but if they say
the following, you might be in for a long year:
2
Differences Between Highschool and College
High School
College
Your Face Covered in acne Covered in coke
Age on "Your" License 21 21
School Sports Shitty and pointless Grand, storied history of being shitty and
pointless
Soul Chicken Soup for the Teenage James Brown
Penn Fourth Choice Harsh, harsh reality
Orientation Straight Desperate
Crushes Throwing stones at Sarah’s window Being tried as an adult
Pick Up Line So, you wanna go to a movie or something? So, you wanna black out at Beta or something?
Fantasy Threesome... two girls Threesome... two dudes
Illegal Activities Loitering Downloading Nickelback albums
Saturday Night Playing monopoly with your parents Playing monopoly by yourself
Outlook For the Future I don’t need to worry about what I’m gonna do with my I need to be a financial consultant until I die
life, there’s so much left to learn!
Favorite Choice of Dumb Kids PE PPE
Family Guy Favorite DVD You, in nine months
Missing First Period Detention on saturday Appointment at the abortion clinic
PUNCHBOWL

Rejected Portions of the Penn Application
Volume LXXXII, NSO ‘07 3

Although there are many professors at Penn, they're really just variations on a few basic themes. We have identified
eight basic professor strains, and once you have mastered them, you're well on your way to a perfect GPA.
Granted, there are exceptions; Gwen Eudey is in a class of her own, but these will cover you most of the way.
The Student’s Professor
A real man of the people. This energetic 40-year-old on the brink of a mid-life crisis loves to show
off how hip he is. This professor adds Harry Frankfurt's "On Bullshit" to the reading list, even though
he's teaching biochemistry. He eschews the boring lecture seat for a perch atop the desk, with legs
dangling to show his youthful exuberance. Ultimately, the guy tries way too hard to make the class fun,
and you pass the course without learning anything.
Professor Archetypes
The Hot in a Weird Way
Often found with black-rimmed glasses and a changing hairstyle, this professor of ambiguous age is,
actually, kinda hot. Probably accomplished, but definitely out of your league, you'll find this surprisingly
sexy prof flirting with you before class from time to time. Her riveting lectures make you consider
an English major, but you always wonder whether it's appropriate for you to be getting an extension
in class. You often contemplate whether my lady doth "profess" too much.
The Grad Student, Who Also Teaches
This vacuous servant of academia truly illustrates how easy it must be to get a PhD nowadays. Sure
she went to Yale, wrote a book, published in obscure journals and is an expert in medieval literature,
but she doesn't really know much outside of the world of Camelot. So what does she do in your criminology
class? Bake prison-jumpsuit-orange muffins, and throw a party for the students showing law
and order reruns of course! Bottom line, she's no more qualified to teach than you are.
The ‘He Has a Secret and You’re the Only One he Can Trust’ Professor
Never clear whether he's really hiding magical artifacts from the Nazis, has the goods on a CIA coup
about to go down, or knows about aliens. Perhaps he is simply trying to molest you in his office. You
must pass the class to know for sure. But no matter what this maven of mystery reveals, you may
under no circumstances tell the department chair. That is, not unless you want to by molested by magical
alien Nazi reformers.
The Inscrutable Foreigner
This species surfaces a lot here at Penn, which has quite a large international student and faculty population.
Brilliant professors are handpicked from all corners of the world. Unfortunately, this brilliance
is overshadowed by an inability to speak any English. The hallowed information they're paid to
divulge is obfuscated by their mastery of some strange and unintelligible language. Ultimately, you end
up teaching them more than they can possibly convey to you about advanced algebra.
The Sex Offender
This vile monster is the worst type of human trash: someone who uses their position of power to lure
honest students into exploitative illicit relationships. Conveniently, you know how to deal with this
creep due to your extensive experience with your high school gym teacher. If you have relatives in law
enforcement, this professor can be anyone who gives you a bad grade.
The Absurdly Accomplished Professor
With any number of Nobel, Field and Pulitzer Prizes tucked into his corduroy jacket, this professor
is way too qualified to be teaching you. And thanks to the required reading of all his books, you'll
never forget it. Six TAs are needed to carry all of his Faculty Newsletter Recognitions to lecture. And
when his well-documented publishing rivalry with some professor at Yale is the subject of your final
exam essay, you'll wonder why you didn't just take astrology, I mean, astronomy, with your roommate.
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Professor Snape
Better known simply as "Snape," this sniveling bastard always tries his hardest to make you look foolish
in front of the other students. But you'll never see him trying to mix dragon blood with phoenix
feather and concoct an elixir of life. Don't give Snape any cheek or it's detention for you for the rest
of the semester. He likes his arts like he likes his coffee: dark. Loves slytherin' around the class trying
to catch you doing something forbidden. Don't you ever trust him, because it will only come back to
bite you ... or will it ... or won't it ... or will it ...

Easiest and Hardest Classes at Penn
Easiest
Hardest
ECON 000 - What GDP Stands For
NURS 227 - How being a nurse is nothing like the
show Scrubs
MATH 001 - Addition and Subtraction (plussing and
minusing)
ENGL 165 - The Letter A In Literature And Grades
NURS 001 - If you're scared of needles, give up now
PSCI 199 - Amy Gutmann Has Books that need selling
HIST 003 - What you did on summer vacation
MKTG 050 - Having a conscience doesn't equal sales
KORN 105 - East Asian Metal Bands
BIBB 055 - Feeding a toddler
CHIN 069 - Adding "in bed" following fortune cookie
fortunes
FNCE 049 - Eating At Greek Lady (Easy Because It's
SO Affordable!)
ENGL 001 - Cursive Letters!
GREK 101- Pledging!
ENGL 012 - How You're a Poet, and You Weren't
Even Aware of It!
RUSS 007 - Defeating James Bond
NURS 228 - How nursing is exactly like Scrubs
MATH 720 - Numbers aren't real. It was all a lie
ENGL 389 - Essay Writing Without the Letter 'E'
NURS 234 - Not Mentioning The Patient's Erection
PSCI 204 - Iraqi Liberation
HIST 009 - Armwrestle Alan Kors
ENVS321 - Stopping Global Warming
FNCE430 - Denying Global Warming
GAS 700 - Digesting Mexican-American Cuisine
THAR 243 - Taking directions from Hillbillies
FOLK 891 - Chuck Norris vs Jack Bauer: Who is the
Champion?
ENGR 344 - Understanding Women
ENGR 500 - Square Peg/Round Hole
CHEM 355 - One Of These Three Flasks Will Kill
You
ENGR 392 - Sex in the school of Engineering: Myth,
Fiction, or Legend?
MUSC 345 - Don't Fret - How to Not Break the G
String while Fingering A Minor
The Fresh Prince of Penn
Now this is the story all about how
Life was looking up, no sweat on my brow.
I'd like to take a moment just to lecture you son
About how my life is easy and how it was won.
West of Philadelphia born and raised
On the Main Line is where I spent most of my days.
Sunning out, relaxing, down by the pool
Playing tennis at the club everyday after school.
When a couple of guys who were up to no good
Started selling pot in my neighborhood.
I took one little puff and my mom got scared
And said "We're sending you to live and study at Deerfield."
I rode on Acela, and when I got near
I could smell the aroma of Class in the air.
If anything I could say that this school was well heeled
So I thought "fantastic, now I'm home at Deerfield."
I pulled B's in some classes (maybe seven or eight)
And I cursed off some teachers, but I'll still graduate.
With cap and gown in my hand I was ready right then
To sit on my throne in a Quad single at Penn.

The Branches
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PUNCHBOWL
STUDENT GOVERNMENT
Undergraduate Assembly
The UA is Penn's legislative branch and serves as a check on the executive
(Amy Gutmann) and judicial (AlliedBarton) branches. Its sole duty
is holding long meetings in which every decision requires a unanimous
roll-call vote to pass. This system is so vulnerable to filibustering that
the UA's most recent decision was to object to Gaylord Probasco
Harnwell's election to the office of University President… which happened
in 1953. The UA is comprised of 33 UPenn students, who have
to run for re-election every year. The term 're-election' is used loosely
here, since just like in prewar Iraq, all candidates run unopposed. The
UA has seen a string of scandals in recent years, ranging from the mysterious
disappearance of a freshman intern to the undue influence of
special interest groups. These organizations' flattery, lobbying, and
knowledge of the UA's existence mean that their interests take precedence
over the common student. The biggest lobbying groups include
'Big Dining', the 'Frat Trust’, and Penn Masala.
Student Activities Council
While the UA is elected, deliberative and useless, SAC is a malicious autocracy
responsible for funding (or not funding) its terrified constituency of
student groups. Its board, dressed in black robes and frightening masks,
meets every full moon to hear the pleas of student groups and to have
orgies a la Eyes Wide Shut. The leader of each student group is blindfolded
and brought before the board, where he presents burnt offerings and
supplication, and begs for funding in the coming year. Standard protocol
includes sexual degradation and feces. While this system may seem archaic
and needlessly spooky to some, none can resist the will of our primitive
financial gods.
which we've listed below.
Be Underhanded
Bribery in cash, kind, or sexual favors. It really doesn't matter
how ugly you are. Convince foreign students they'll be deported
if they don't vote for you. Also, spend more on tape and
glitter, and campaign before legally allowed. It won't affect the
election, but it'll keep the DP occupied for a couple days.
Change Your Name
When the polls open, it'll just be the voters and
CampusExpress. They won't remember any of your ridiculous
posters or paid UTV13 campaign spots. They'll simply vote for
whoever has the most memorable name. Before running for
student government, consider changing your name to "James
Fuck-Princeton III" to ensure victory.
The People Love a Rebel
Steal the Helmet cart from the football team and drag the button
around campus. This will burn your rebellious image into
your voters' memories. That isn't a metaphor. Use fire.
Sex Sells
If you find you're doing poorly at the polls, screw someone in
a 23rd story window of Rodin until someone from the DP
notices you and takes pictures. Everyone votes for the honest
SPEC
SPEC makes sure that Penn retains the remnants of its institutional pride
by occasionally bringing someone famous out to West Philly to speak.
Lord knows Drexel can't. They deserve credit because Penn hasn't exactly
done a stellar job of creating exciting alumni. William Henry Harrison?
Dead. John Legend? Might as well be. Maury Povich? Actually-I'd go to
see him. SPEC also selects band for Spring Fling. Though it's hard to
imagine a worse choice than Sonic Youth, know that they are hard at
work. London Symphony Orchestra? Garfunkle sans Simon? Limp
Bizkit?
Class Boards
Woohooooooooooooo!! Class boards make sure that EVERYONE is
having an AWESOME time at PENN and are having FUN hanging out
with their CLASS with who they are TOTALLY BONDING!! YEAH!!
Anyone for some novelty sunglasses or inflatable ELECTRIC GUI-
TARS?!?! SWEET!! Who wants a CLASS OF 2011 TSHIRT?!?! How
about FREE cheesesteaks?!?! Because now we're in PHILLY and in
PHILLY we eat CHEESESTEAKS!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
And like…we're in COLLEGE so we all love FREE FOOD!!! Let's all
go DANCING and do the MACARENA and ELECTRIC SLIDE!!
Because we're now TOO OLD for that, but now it's IRONIC and therefore
AWESOME because we're being lame, but now we're AWARE that
we're being lame so that's SWEEEEEEET!!! Wooooooooo
hooooooooooooooooooo!! Class boards RULE!!
SCUE and NEC
Also exist.
HOW TO GET ELECTED
Nothing beats winning a popularity contest. When running for UA or class boards, you'll never be called upon to give a speech, meet with
voters, or ever make any sort of statement of your goals or views. Your election will depend entirely on attention-whoring tricks, some of
candidate, and it's ok to honestly like sex in a 23rd story window.
Speak in Generalities
Make sure you state what you stand for: 'Giving students' a
voice', 'making the school better', 'definitely not running just so
you can put it on your resume', and other vague half-truths no
one will believe.
Promises are Free
No one knows what the student government actually does,
your fellow freshman least of all. So make wild campaign
promises, like making tuition free, grades always As, and nonstop
hardcore pornography run year round on UTV13.
Have a Balanced Plan
A strong leader needs to have an strong foreign policy. Bash
Drexel.
Enjoy the Perks
Lobby for the "strict separation" between the classes, particularly
by playing on people's fears of upperclassmen having
"relations" with "pure, '11 women" but also ensure that student
government's fearless and virile leaders retain pick of the
nubile '12ers.

THE OMNIVORE’S DILEMMA?
Now that you've presumably read and mastered the solution to the Omnivore's Dilemma, the university holds many more
Pollan dilemmas in need of your deductive reasoning prowess. Please, save us from certain bewilderment by decoding these
mysteries of life. Without you we are surely lost.
HOW TO USE WIKIPEDIA
Never Double Check Your Sources
If there is anything we have learned in the Digital Age, it is that
fact-checking is for pussies. Your relationship with Wikipedia
should be built on trust. With Bluetooth, iPods, and Paris Hilton
Sex Tapes aplenty, taking all that time to look back and make sure
your information is credible seems like a caveman's dilemma. In
order to get with the times, Wikipedia has ensured that anyone can
write anything in the guise of academic writing.
Sabotage the 'Pedia
Back in the day, Whartonites used to stick it to peers by hiding
library books or cutting pages out of them-but that's a relic from a
bygone age when cola cost a nickel and people cared about the
football team and their brother man. If you want a leg-up on your
peers today, deface Wikipedia pages relevant to the course! It's no
good replacing every other word with "boobs" though, as
Wikipedia's lifeless editors will catch that. No, try subtly messing up
dates, changing names around, or replacing every other word with
"mammary glands."
Declare Wiki-War
There are a lot of chumps that write entries for Wikipedia who
could use a good intellectual smack. Luckily, due to Wikipedia's
goal to become the Internet's creepy academic orgy, you can write
whatever you want to dispute said chumps' claims! After all, who is
he (and a 2001 issue of Entertainment Weekly) to say that Lindsay
Lohan was born in 1986? At best, you get to irreversibly change
public perception regarding a certain factual assertion, and at
worst, your writing is preceded with "The Neutrality of this Article
is Disputed"...it's a win-win situation!
Wikipedia does your Homework for You
Open source your paper! Peer editing is the wave of the future, so
why not write the paper of the future? Pass your paper around to
friends and have them fill in factual gaps, cite your sources, and perhaps
politicize it just a little. In fact, if you feel the general public
is better qualified than you to address a topic of interest, just start
a stub and let everyone else fill out the details.
Wiki Yourself
Is your paper just a list of personal opinions about why the
Vietnamese had it coming for having a population which would
have majority voted for the communists? Don't shirk away from
using those convictions as points of hard data! Create a Wiki for
yourself describing you as a prodigy scholar on Southeast Asian
affairs then Photoshop some photos of you, Alan Greenspan and
Alan Kors high-fiving. Hopefully your name will also be Alan.
Anyway, then cite yourself and the books you wrote.
Volume LXXXII, NSO ‘07 7

Why You’ll Hate Penn in 2011
When you first arrive at Penn, you'll probably love it. But by the
time you graduate in 2011, you'll have found plenty of reasons
to hate Penn. Here are some:
That nice lady at Commons doesn't ACTUALLY care how you
doin', baby
Wawa will hire ten full-time drunk kids to stand in front of you
in line whenever you go to buy a meatball sub
People will still be able to wear Uggs with a straight face
A capella groups will start to rap.
The Theater Major is dropped from curriculum after exposition
of rampant performance enhancement drug use by audience.
Donald Trump, Maury Povich, and Melissa Rivers will still be
Penn Alumni.
You will still not really know which Le Anh is the real, real Le
Anh. For real.
It doesn't matter how many trees they put in front of the highrises,
your umbrella/skirt/anorexic roomate will still fly away
when you walk through the wind tunnel.
Frat parties will be running out of things to rhyme with "hos."
Professor Robb will be moving from "killtacular" to "running
riot."
The party will still go nuts when they play Modest
Mouse/Sublime/The Killers.
PARTY ETIQUETTE
Good grades don't get you drunk, high, or laid, so they're really pretty useless. Here's how to pass the party, which is basically life's final exam.
Dress for Success:
Hobbesian state of nature? Are the girls at this party straight out
Anyone can say they're from the Northeast, but it takes a true of Hieronymus Bosch’s “Hell” panel of the Garden Of Earthly
New Englander to dress the part. Seersucker shorts and polo Delights triptych? Then by all means, let that intellect swing free.
shirts are the only acceptable garb. And don't forget the loafers This is the Ivy League; no one wants to be friends with a dumbass.
(make sure they're casually semi-tied. Nothing says "I'm cool" like
wearing really expensive shit poorly.)
Irony is Passé:
Travel in Packs:
Sorry, hipsters – apparently the hoi polloi caught on to the whole
Freshmen are only allowed to walk to parties in a group with “being into things that suck because it’s funny” thing, so the really
cool kids aren’t doing that any more. Specifically, tight pants,
everyone in their hall. West Philadelphia is a dangerous place and
there is safety in numbers. Like lions that will first take the young plaid shirts, big glasses and flannel hats are just now done. What
or infirm, muggers will go after the weak of your hall. Make sure should you be doing, you ask? Free love. If it’s one o’clock and
there are a lot of slutty high schoolers or asthmatic engineers in everyone isn’t in a sweaty heap on the floor or having a postcoitus
discussion of the possibility of socialism in America, it’s a
your group and you’ll make it for sure.
Introduce yourself in gruesome detail:
square party.
You’re new! Penn is a really small school, so everyone at the party Don’t be afraid to take charge (of the music):
is dying to meet you. First things first, you need to say you’re a When an iPod club playlist ends, a shockwave of panic shoots
freshman upfront, because it’s really hard to tell. Work your way across the room. No one wants the responsibility of having to
through all the basics: Where are you from? Is your brother in a pick great songs that this party will love. Except you. Be sure to
fraternity? Do you want to be a banker, or do you want to complain
about kids who want to be a banker? This is the informa-
sounds of Beck, and finally into the roaring Notorious B.I. G
set the mood with a little Journey, transitioning into the hip
tion on which friendships are born, so make sure you work it all finale. Do you hear the sound of beer spilling and dudes making
in to that first meeting.
out with fat chicks? If so, job well done, for you are a hero.
Demonstrate your intelligence:
Drink water:
Nothing livens up a party like a few well-placed bon mots. Are Just good, sound advice really.
those frat guys lifting up the keg reminding you of the
8
PUNCHBOWL