1 OCT 2006 - Nightwire Magazine

OCT 2006
1

CONTENTS
OCT 06
4-8 Halloween Section
10 Boss’ Rules
11 Husband/Wife Humor
15 Night Tech: iPod has a
new enemy in town
20 Cover Model: Kristol
22 Godot
30 When Girls Drink Too
Much
31 Steeler Mania
32 Featured Band:
Evanescence
37 Horoscopes
Dining Feature - Coming Soon
Again in Upcoming Issues
Cover Photo C.E. Mitchell
Cover Model Kristol
Make Up/Hair Ronal
Styling Ronal
Publisher:
Joyce Campisi
Editor-in-Chief:
Joyce Campisi
Executive Editor:
Joseph P. Campisi, III
Art Director:
Ronal Mitchell
Director of Photographer:
C. E. Mitchell
Graphic Designer:
Ronal Mitchell,
Donnie Garber
Sales Manager:
John Palmer
Feature Writers:
Joseph P. Campisi, III
Suz Pisano
Joyce Campisi
Kara
Contributing Writers:
Joseph P. Campisi, III,
Suz Pisano
Bill Mace
Jean Mace
Dottie Wilhelm
Lori Hon
Copyright © 2006, SX publications, Nightwire. All rights reserved. SX Publications, Nightwire owns the copyrights of the photographs and contents of this publication.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, modified, retransmitted or published in any part of copyrighted material without the expressed written permission
of the publisher. The articles and editorials are meant for entertainment purposes only, and do not necessarily represent opinions of SX Publications, Nightwire,
they are those of the writers and advertisers and may not necessarily represent those of SX Publications, Nightwire. SX Publications, Nightwire in no way offers any
recommendations, endorsements or guarantees of any kind with regard to any service, product or person in any way for the actions ensuing from advertising. This
publication contains elements adult in nature and may not be suitable for minors. Some of the products and services available through advertisements are not for
purchase by minors. SX Publications, Nightwire cannot be held responsible for photos submitted by advertisers and photography supplied by advertisers or vendors
without a release from the model(s). SX Publications, Nightwire will assume no liability for misprints, typos, ad print quality, ad placement or incorrect ad copy.
OCT 2006
3

10 Top Reasons Why
Halloween is Better than
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.
8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave it to you.
Sex
Trick or Treat
Jokes
6. Person you are with doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else, you already are.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last nine months.
4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you’re kinky.
3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.
1. If you don’t get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!
Top Signs That You’re Too Old to Trick or
Treat
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy
for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose balance and fall over.
6. People say, “What a scary mask!”, but you’re not
wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens and you yell, “Trick or..... “,
and you can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of re
straining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that
won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Spongebob Squarepants in the
neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives
live.
Trick or Treating by Astrological Sign
Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.
Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes
and goes around again.
Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-ortreaters.
Leo plans their costume for months, then won’t go out
because someone else had the same idea.
Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone that
they’re a bookkeeper.
Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide
on a costume.
Scorpio isn’t in it for the candy.
Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.
Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good
candy and the optimal route to take.
Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and
spends all night tinkering when it shorts.
Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the
Moon.
4 OCT 2006
OCT 2006
5

Halloween Humor
A
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy
in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. “Son, don’t you know
that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and
make you sick?”
“My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!” replied Johnny.
“Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?” the old lady retorted.
“No, said Johnny, but he minded his own freakin’ business.”
woman whose husband often came home
drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One
Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and
hid behind a tree to intercept him on the
way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out
and stood before him with her red horns,
long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil,” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I
married your sister.”
6 OCT 2006
Q: Where does Dracula
water ski?
A: On Lake Erie.
Q: What do you call an
empty hot dog?
A: A hollow weenie.
Q: Why don’t witches
ever have babies?
A: Warlocks have hollow
weenies.
Q: What happened to
the guy who couldn’t
keep up payments to
his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go
to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.So he took his costume and away he went. The
wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In
as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband
to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the
dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to
the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered
a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking
at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,wondering what explanation
he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said,
“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance
much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other
guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a great time!”
OCT 2006
7

Halloween
Jokes
Q: What type of dog does Dracula have?
A: A blood hound.
The IRS Trick or Treater
The door bell, rings and a man answers it. Here stands
this plain but well dressed kid, saying, “Trick or Treat!”
The man asks the kids what he’s dressed up like for
Halloween. The kid says, “I’m an IRS agent.” Then he
takes 28% of the man’s candy, leaves, and doesn’t say
“Thank you”.
Rocky
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed
as “Rocky”, in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I
gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
“Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep several
minutes ago?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel. I’ll be back three
more times tonight, too.”
Halloween Costume
It’s Halloween and this woman has nothing to wear.
She put a sheet over her and sticks horns on it and goes
to work.
A co-worker asks her what she is dressed as.
She replies, “Bull Sheet”.
Halloween Lingo
Bobbing Apples:
What happens when you jog without a bra.
Boogieman:
The guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
Coffin:
What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in
your throat.
8 OCT 2006
Carolina Ghost Story
This happened about a month ago just outside a little
town in the low Country of South Carolina, and while it
sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock Tale - It’s real.
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a
real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time
passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so
hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and
appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward
him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy
jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he
realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. Then
the car slowly started moving and
the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out
and running.
The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp
curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray
and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would
go off the road and in the marsh and he would surely
drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared
through the driver’s window and turned the steering
wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear
every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared
to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of
the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into
a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey,
then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when
they realized the guy was telling the truth
and not just some drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar
and one says to the other: “Look Bubba, There’s that
idiot who rode in our car when we was pushin it in the
rain.”
Frankenstein:
Hot dog and a mug of beer.
Full Moon:
What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your
fridge.
Goblin:
How you eat the snicker’s bar you got for Halloween.
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY:
Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It’s triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife’s not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She’s a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He’s involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You’re in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can’t find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You just gave “the birds and the bees”
talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections
Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It’s another man.
Ugly : He’s your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly : She makes more money than you do.
OCT 2006
9

Subject: Boss’s Rules
To: All Employees
Effective immediately the following rules will be adhered too.
1. If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
3. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
4. It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what
you’re going to do.
5. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you
did before.
6. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
7. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
8. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to
you the rest of the day.
9. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about
themselves.
10. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about
it!
11. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks
for a ride home from the office.
12. Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.
13. Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
14. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
15. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
16. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed
to be doing.
17. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
18. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will
get out of it.
19. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
20. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
21. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens
that person is carrying.
23. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look
worried.
24. Following the rules will not get the job done and get
ting the job done is no excuse for not following the
rules.
25. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve
it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How
would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
26. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
27. The last person that quit or was fired will be held
responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Signed:
The Management
Husband and Wife Humor
Wife vs. Husband Words Creation
A couple drove down a
country road for several
miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had
led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As
they passed a barnyard of
mules, goats, and pigs, the
husband asked sarcastically,
“Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “inlaws.”
Who Does What
A husband read an article
to his wife about how many
words women use a day...
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The
reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to
men...
The husband turned to his
wife and asked, “What?”
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew
the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “ You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...
“HEBREWS”
The Silent Treatment
A man said to his wife one day, “I
don’t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the
same time.
“ The wife responded, “Allow me to
explain.
God made me beautiful so you would
be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be
attracted to you.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that
the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an
early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at
5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning,
the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”(Men are not equipped for
these kinds of contests.) God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
10 OCT 2006
OCT 2006
11

Phantom Fright Nights
return to Kennywood
amusement park for 2006!
Each Autumn, after the Kennywood gates close for the winter, a
ghastly force takes over. And each autumn, we try to convince others
of the phenomenon, but no one believes us.
So this year - if you have the nerve... and ONLY if you have the
nerve - we hope we’ll take a look around to see for yourself... and then
tell your friends, neighbors, families, everyone. The public has the
right to know!
West Mifflin, PA - Individuals
in search of the preeminent haunted
amusement park must travel
along a long distance to find one
as chilling as Kennywood’s Phantom
Fright Nights! According
to Amusement Today, a highly
respected international amusement
industry newspaper, Kennywood
offers the 3rd Best Halloween
Event in the world! (To check out
the other parks in the top three,
one must travel to California or
Florida). A visit to Phantom Fright
Nights at Kennywood in Western
Pennsylvania shows the most skeptical
guest why!
The first clue of transformation
begins as one approaches the
parking lot. Vanished are happy
lights and music. Appearing is fog,
creepy music, and eerie figures...
and the Phantom himself guards
the front gate. Once safely through
the creepier-than-ever tunnel,
visitors may notice an old hearse
where the carnival-like cotton
candy cart usually stands.
Traveling down the fog -filled midway,
guests are soon seduced into
the Villa of the Vampires, where even
non-Dracula fans will appreciate
Renfield and his bugs, bat caves,
the Master’s lair, and much more.
Further down the midway, pirates
are the inhabitants in an all new
haunted attraction: Captain Skully’s
Curse in 3D!
The Kennywood’s Team
Members’ jobs, too, take on a
different look at Phantom Fright
Nights. Joe Barron, Kennywood
Human Resources Director, comments,
“After working the summer
on games, rides, food, etc., many
Team Members have new opportunities
for Phantom Fright Nights.
We now look for ghosts, ghouls,
goblins and gremlins with special
frightening fearsonalities!
Kennyood is a entirely different
experience during Phantom Fright
Nights, for guests and employees
alike!”
12 OCT 2006
Phantom Fright Nights take place every Friday and Saturday night from
September 29 through October 28 from 7 PM to 1 AM, plus two bonus nights: Saturday,
September 23 and Sunday, October 8 from 7 PM to 11 PM. Tickets are $19.50 at the
gate. (Tickets may be purchased for $16.50 at participating Giant Eagle locations.)
No food or beverages may be brought into the park during Fright Nights. Halloween masks,
make-up, or costumes are not permitted. Phantom Fright Nights is not recommended for children
under 13 years of age. For further information, call 412.461.0500 or visit
www.phantomfrightnights.com.
OCT 2006
13

ELDERLY SEX:
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been
going out with each other for a long time. Urged on
by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get
married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had
a long conversation regarding how their marriage might
work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and
so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach
the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you
feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she said, responding very carefully, “I’d have to
say, I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking
over his glasses, he casually asked,...... “Is that one
word or two?”
The iPod has a new enemy in town, with a possible release date of Nov. 14 and a
$299 price tag. The Microsoft Zune opens a new market of “social” music
connectivity.
WMA, MP3, AAC, JPEG,WMV, MPEG-4, H.264 media
Wi-Fi (802.11 b/g) connectivity
30 GB Hard Drive
3 inch video LCD 320x240
White, Black, and Chocolate Colors
FM Radio
TV output connectivity
Dedicated song download site
DJ Mode (broadcast what you are listening to)
Podcast playback
3 day playback of Wi-Fi transfered songs from friends
XBOX streaming
XBOX (Microsoft) points compatability
Preloaded music videos
Over a dozen accessories at launch
5.6 ounces in weight, 4.4 by 2.4 by 0.58 inches size
Metric: 158 g, 112 by 61 by 14.7 mm size
From whole beans to brewed coffee without the guesswork or mess, this 10-cup
programmable coffeemaker features a completely automatic, integrated mill-and-brew
system. Simply add water and whole-bean coffee, select from seven grind selections
or turn the grinder off to brew already ground coffee, then enjoy the freshest, most
flavorful coffee imaginable. The unit’s brew-pause function allows for pouring a cup
midbrew, and its clock display automatically springs forward, falls back, and resets
after a power failure. Other highlights include a water reser voir with a large viewing
window, high-quality stainless-steel grinding blades, a permanent stainless-steel filter
basket, a warming plate with automatic shut off, and hidden cord storage.
Not only does the coffeemaker brew great-tasting coffee, it also provides animated
weather information on its large, bright-blue backlit LCD display. MSN Direct regionspecific
up-to-the-minute weather information is transmitted via an FM signal within
minutes of plugging in the coffeemaker--there’s no set-up, subscription, or Internet
connection required. The appliance displays the current temperature and conditions,
high and low temperatures, and chance of precipitation, as well as four-day weather
forecasts. The coffeemaker also displays scrolling weather information; visibility; sunrise/sunset
time; the UV index; and national weather-ser vice warnings and aler ts (the
display flashes when a warning aler t is issued). In addition to its optional sleep function,
where if the unit is idle for a period of time an animated, napping cat appears,
the user interface can display a 12- or 24-hour clock; temperature in degrees F or C;
along with English, French, or Spanish languages. The 10-cup programmable coffeemaker
with animated coffee and weather information measures 8 by 11 by 14 inches
and carries a one-year limited warranty.
OCT 2006
15
14 OCT 2006

The Pittsburgh Cultural Trust announces its
spotlight event for fall of 2006: The Gate
Theatre’s productions of
Waiting for Godot
October 18-22, 2006 at the Byham Theater
The Pittsburgh Cultural Trust announced its spotlight event of its 2006 fall
Trust Presents series, The Gate Theatre’s production of Waiting for Godot
on October 18-22, 2006, at the Byham Theater. Waiting for Godot features
Stephen Brennan (Lucky), Barry McGovern (Vladimir), Johnny Murphy
(Estragon) and Alan Stanford (Pozzo). Single tickets ($15.50-50.50) are on
sale at the Box Office at Theater Square, online at www.pgharts.org, and
via phone at (412) 456-6666. For advanced group reservations and discount
information, call (412) 471-6930.
Samuel Beckett did not attend the first performance of Waiting for Godot in the tiny Théâtre de Babylone in Paris on January
5, 1953. He need not have been nervous. Waiting for Godot went on to become what it remains today, a modern classic
which changed the course of 20th century theatre. With this play Beckett was to join the select company of writers who
have created characters who enter the popular imagination, even if Godot himself fails to make an appearance. This is, after
all, the play in which, famously, “nothing happens twice.”
This production of Waiting for Godot was first produced in 1988 at the request of Samuel Beckett himself. It was he who
recommended that Walter Asmus, who had been his assistant director on the famous Schiller Theatre production, direct;
and that Louis le Brocquy, the world-renowned Irish artist, design.
The Gate Theatre was founded in 1928 and has since become internationally
renowned as one of the most adventurous playhouses in Europe. Under the
current artistic directorship of Michael Colgan, the Gate continues to produce
and present high quality new and classic drama from Ireland and Europe,
both at home and abroad. In 1991, the Gate became the first theatre
in the world to present a full retrospective of all 19 of Samuel Beckett’s stage
plays. The Beckett Festival was a unique tribute to Beckett and his remarkable
work. The Festival met with international and critical acclaim when it
toured to the Lincoln Center, New York in 1996 and the Barbican Centre,
London in 1999. The Gate has toured Waiting for Godot to many other
cities including San Francisco, Chicago, Melbourne, Toronto, Seville, Beijing
and Shanghai.
Irish playwright, critic and fiction writer Samuel Beckett (1906-1989) was
one of the great literary pioneers of the 20th century. His bleak imaginary
landscapes examined the incomprehensible reality of humanity through new
dramatic and literary forms. Beckett tirelessly explored the human condition
in his work and was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature in 1969. Waiting
for Godot, probably his best-known work, was written in French in 1949.
MANAGEMENT SECRETS:
A new manager spends a week at his new office with
the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing
manager tells him, “I have left three numbered
envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if
you encounter a crisis you can’t solve.”
Three months down the track there is a major drama,
everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the
manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers
the parting words of his predecessor and opens the
first envelope. The message inside says “Blame your
predecessor!” He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a
dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.
The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The
message read, “Reorganize!” This he does, and the
company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the
third envelope. The message inside says “Prepare
three envelopes”.
16 OCT 2006
OCT 2006
17

How Some Couples
Never Losethe
Magic
Whenever people talk about “working on a relationship,”
I know I’m in for a boring conversation about
their earnest approach to relating. Why not try
playing at a relationship for a change? In our Puritan
society, everything is work. Marriage is work. Sex is
work. Work is work. I think there’s a lot of room for
play in life. You can have a good relationship without
approaching it like
the blueprint for a
high-rise building.
And you can certainly
have better sex if you
learn to lighten up.
Adults have forgotten
how to play.
To keep the romance alive in a long-term relationship,
you need the right attitudes. Without them, you’ll
always be consulting a romantic calendar for the suggestion
of the day. Romantic spontaneity is a product
of attitudes. If your relationship needs a romantic
jumpstart, here are some suggestions to get it going,
and keep it going for years to come.
1. Live a life outside the bedroom that is vital and
adventurous. Stay out of ruts. Avoid stale routines.
Expand your experiences. Take chances. Then bring
this bold attitude to the bedroom!
2. Yes, living with the same person for decades really
is boring. So don’t stay the same person you were
when you met and married. Change. Evolve. Grow.
You have a responsibility to your partner to do that.
Expand your boundaries. Keep learning. An active,
curious mind is a sexual turn-on.
3. Keep your relationship emotionally open. Don’t become
one of those couples who have nothing substantial
to say to each other because they’ve eliminated so
many topics over the years. Retain the sexy openness
new lovers share. It’s a form of verbal foreplay.
4. Remember that good sex involves friction and fiction.
Stay sexually stimulated by watching erotic films,
reading sexy books, and indulging your
fantasies.
5. Accept that you and your partner’s sexuality changes
over the years. Adapt your lovemaking style to the
changes. Be flexible. Rigidity is deadly, especially in
the bedroom. Find the good in the changes, and make
the most of each new phase of life.
6. Stay active, fit, and healthy. You probably can’t
maintain a good sex life unless you do.
7. Last, remember that attitude is everything. When
you approach life with hope and enthusiasm, you
make the best of the bad days and enjoy the good
ones to the fullest. A good attitude creates sexual
energy.
Couples who never lose the magic have a special
relationship that attracts others to them - they act
like not only lovers, but friends. Most of us like to be
around lovers. We want to believe the magic, and we
can, because the magic is real!
Kara Czerniak is a romance consultant with UnderCover-
Wear, Inc., a company dedicated to educating women of
all ages how to rediscover themselves and stay connected
with their partners. She can be contacted for home parties
and individual consultations at 412.719.7003 or by e-mail
at karaucw@comcast.net.
Jive Medical Dictionary
Barium - what you do when the patient dies
Bunion - Paul’s surname
Cat Scan - when the Secret Service looks for
Socks
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Constipation - endangered feces
Coronary - domesticated yellow bird
D&C - where Washington is
Dilate - to live a long time
Enema - opposite of a friend
Fibrillate - to tell a small lie
Genital - non-Jew
Hernia - pertaining to a female’s knee
Humerus - to tell us what we want
to hear
Intestine - currently taking an exam
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Ova - finished; done with
Pap smear - to slander your father
Pelvis - the evil twin of Elvis
Paradox - two doctors
Penis - someone who plays the piano
Rectum - dang near killed him
Sacrum - holy
Seizure - Roman Emperor
Sperm - to reject, look away from
Urine - the opposite of “you’re out!”
White Count - the number of
Caucasians
18 OCT 2006
OCT 2006
19

20 OCT 2006 OCT 2006 21
Kristol
Kristol is originally from Long Island,
NY and currently resides in Florida.
She is a real estate agent, and has
modeled for the past eight years.
She loves modeling and ‘exploring the
creative side of the process’ - such as
collaborating with photographers and
has traveled all over to do so.
On her spare time, she loves to exercise,
go roller blading, flips through
fashion magazines to get ideas for
great photographs and reads good
books. She also loves to hang out
with her two dogs ‘the lights of her
life whom make life very interesting’:
a Chihuahua and a great Dane named
Jordan and Leo!
October Cover Girl

Celebrity Chef Cook-Off
Monday, Nov. 6, 2006
to benefit the Cystic Fibrosis
Foundation
NAKAMA Japanese Steakhouse and Sushi bar will host the second annual Celebrity Chef Cook-Off to benefit the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.
Under the watchful eyes of famed NAKAMA chefs, sports figures, business community notables and other local celebrities will prepare
traditional hibachi-style dinner for guests.
Come early or stay after to enjoy the sounds of three of Pittsburgh’s top DJs from HotHitz DJs, an amazing silent auction and two bars in the
outside heated tent. And, don’t forget to come prepared to bid on your chef ’s autographed apron!
You don’t want to miss this opportunity to contribute to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, meet and eat with celebrity chefs and enjoy the
establishment voted #1 Best Overall Restaurant in Pittsburgh!
Only 32 tables are available - be sure to get your reservation in early!
Choose from a 6:30 or 8:30 p.m. seating and four sponsorship levels:
$7,500 Presenting Sponsor ($7,232 is tax-deductible)
sponsor name listed as presenting sponsor,
(ie, “NAKAMA Japanese Steakhouse and Sushi Bar Celebrity Chef Cook-Off, presented by ABC Company”)
table for eight
sponsor table signage
8x10 keepsake photo of your table (one for each guest)
chef apron signed by your celebrity chef (one for each guest)
full-page acknowledgement in event program
prominent corporate logo visibility on all event materials and chapter Web site
recognition in all press releases
$5,000 Supporting Sponsor ($4,732 is tax-deductible)
table for eight
sponsor table signage
5x7 keepsake photo of your table (one for each guest)
half-page acknowledgement in event program
prominent corporate logo visibility on all event materials
$2,500 VIP Sponsor ($2,252 is tax-deductible)
table for eight
sponsor table signage
prominent corporate logo visibility on all event materials
$1,500 Patron Sponsor ($1,308 is tax-deductible)
table for eight
sponsor table signage
sponsor name listed in event program
$200 Individual Ticket ($176 is tax-deductible)
individual tickets will be sold within two weeks from the event if all tables are not purchased
please call ASAP to place your name on the waiting list to be called if individual seats become available
Tables are limited – only 32 - so make your reservation early!
For reservations or more information, please contact the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation – Western PA
Chapter at 412-321-4422 or e-mail mvilliotti@cff.org.
OCT 2006
23

Over
125 Million Slices Sold
25 Years of Serving Pizza Perfectly!
Italian Restaurant & Pizza
Eat In - Take Out - Delivery
(Sorry, No Delivery at the North Hills Location)
North Hills 412-821-0600
Downtown 412-261-2080
Zelienople 724-453-3200
Wexford 724-935-4151
www.montecellos.com
Shaler Twp 412-784-0888
Hampton 724-444-3040
Cranberry 724-772-3133
Sewickley 412-741-7868
24 OCT 2006
Pizza
Traditional Pizza
The Original Thin Pizza
Sicilian Pizza
Old Island Recipe, Thick,
Square & Spicy
Chicago Deep Dish
Round & Thick Topped with
Imported Tomato Filets
Joe’s Special
Extra Thick & Round with
Extra Cheese & Spicy Sauce
Steak, Onion ‘n’ Ranch
Ranch Dressing, Steak & Red Onions
Veggie Pizza
Olives, Tomatoes, Broccoli, Onions,
Mushrooms, Green Peppers
New York Thin
Extra Thin, Crispy Dough Topped with
Imported Tomato Filets
Hot Hoagies Half or Whole
Steak f Italian f Meatball
Jumbo Fish f Breaded Chicken
Hot Sausage f Chicken Parmesan
Pasta Dinner
Spaghetti f Sea Shells f Penne
Fettucini f Angel Hair f Linguini
Above Served with
Homemade Spaghetti Sauce,
Garden Salad & Garlic Loaf
or Italian Bread
Calzone
Golden Brown Dough Pocket
Baked & Stuffed with Pizza
Cheese & Ricotta Cheese. Your
Choice of Any 2 Pizza Toppings
Inside.
Soup
Bowl or Cup
Homemade Italian
Wedding Soup
Soup Du Jour
Salads
Anti Pasta Salad
Small or Large
Steak Salad
Grilled Chicken Salad
Each Store Independently Owned and Operated. Prices and Menu Selections May Vary.
Dinner Favorites
Eggplant Parmesan
Round Slices of Fresh Eggplant
Breaded, Fried, then Baked in Sauce &
Topped with Mozzarella Cheese
Pasta Primavera
Your Choice of Pasta Covered with Veggies in
Oil & Garlic Add Chicken
Chicken Parmesan
Fresh Sliced, Breaded & Fried with a side of
Pasta
Ravioli (Meat or Cheese)
Five Large Pockets Baked & Covered with
Sauce
Stuffed Shells
Four Large Shells Stuffed with Ricotta Cheese
Filling
Veal Parmesan
Fresh Sliced, Breaded & Fried with a side of
Pasta
Hot Sausage Casserole on Bed of Pasta
Two Pieces of Hot Sausage over Pasta, Baked
Lasagna (Meat or Cheese)
Baked Fresh Daily - All Time Customer
Favorite
Meatball Casserole on Bed of Pasta
Four Large Meatballs over Pasta, Baked
OCT 2006
25

Three Football Fans
Three football fans were on their way to watch
the games when one noticed a foot sticking out
of the bushes by the side of the road.
They stopped and discovered a beautiful nude
female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety,
the Steelers fan took off his cap and placed it
over her right breast. The 49ers fan took off his
cap and placed it over her left breast. Following
their lead, the Browns fan took off his Cap and
placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer
arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he
lifted up the Steelers cap, replaced it, and wrote
down some notes. Next, he lifted the 49ers cap,
replaced it, and wrote down some more notes.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your
pants.
Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
The officer then lifted the Browns cap, replaced
it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third
time, and replaced it one last time.
Chris Harper Moving
The Browns fan was getting upset and finally
asked, “What are you, a pervert or something?
Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and
looking?”
412-736-6554
Need to move across town? Across the country?
Across the planet? We will move ANYTHING,
ANYWHERE in the world!
“Well,” said the officer, “I am simply surprised.
Normally when I look under a Browns hat, I
find an asshole.”
No Hidden Fees!
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26 OCT 2006
Call For An Instant Quote!
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OCT 2006
27

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances
for a date on Saturday night.” -Rodney Dangerfield
“There are a number of mechanical devices
which increase sexual arousal, particularly in
women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-
Benz 380SL.” -Lynn Lavner
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a
rope.” - Camille Paglia
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation.
The other eight are unimportant.”
-George Burns
“Women might be able to
fake orgasms. But men can
fake a whole relationship.”
-Sharon Stone
“Hockey is a sport for
white men. Basketball is a
sport for black men. Golf
is a sport for white men
dressed like black pimps.”
-Tiger Woods
“My mother never saw the irony
in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” -
Jack Nicholson
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he
parks or where he lives, but he never forgets
oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” -Barbara
Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t
think Barbara had a sense of humor)
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning
to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
-Robin Williams
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just
need a place.” -Billy Crystal
28 OCT 2006
Famous
“”
Quotes
“According to a new survey, women say they
feel more comfortable undressing in front of
men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental,
where, of course, men are just grateful.”
- Robert De Niro
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting
that many men are having allergic reactions
to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
-Dustin Hoffman
“There’s very little advice in men’s
magazines, because men think, ‘I
know what I’m doing. Just show
me somebody naked!” -Jerry
Seinfeld
“See, the problem is that
God gives men a brain
and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one
at a time.” -Robin Williams
“It’s been so long since I’ve
had sex, I’ve forgotten who
ties up whom.” -Joan Rivers
“Sex is one of the most wholesome,
beautiful and natural experiences money
can buy.” -Steve Martin
“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school
until you get older. Little things like being
spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
-Elmo Phillips
“ Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy
is the same.” -Oscar Wilde
“ It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention
of getting married.” -George Burns
OCT 2006
7

When Girls
DRINKToo
Much ...
1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead
and wiggling our butt while yelling “WOO-
HOO!” is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. We’ve suddenly decided that we want to kick
someone’s ass and honestly believe we could do
it too.
4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now
look more like a homeless hooker than the
goddess we were just four hours ago.
5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that
we love them soooo much.
6. We get extremely excited and jump up and
down every time a new song plays because “Oh
my God! Oh my God! I LOVE this song!”
7. We’ve found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek
sitting next to us.
8. We’ve suddenly take up smoking and are really
good at it.
9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated
us by giving us just lemonade - but that’s just
because we can no longer taste the gin.
10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels
strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop?)
11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid is down when
we sit on it.
12. We take our shoes off because we believe
it’s their fault that we’re having problems
walking straight.
Share this with
all the women you
know who like to
have fun!
20
30 40 50 30
Steeler Mania
Watch the Steelers Games at these Locations:
Uno’s
1294 Freedom Rd.
Cranberry, PA 16066
724.772.1711
$2.00 for 20 oz. Drafts
(except Sam Adams)
Snack Hour Menu
Win a Pizza Party for 6!
Sunny Jim’s
255 Camp Horne Rd
Pittsburgh, PA 15202
412-761-6700
Free Half Time Buffet
$10 Buckets of Beer
Montecello’s
North Hills & Wexford Locations
412-821-0600 724-935-4151
20 oz Coors Light Draft - $1.50
20 oz Yuengling Light Draft - $1.50
Free Halftime Buffet
We’re Smokin
2312 Babcock Blvd
Pittsbugh, PA 15237
PH: 412-931-3190
DiPietro’s Ristorante
412 Perry Highway - West View
Pittsburgh, PA
412-931-9878
2 Racks Ribs & 2 Dozen Wings
With Cornbread & 4 lbs Sides -$49.95
16 Pieces Smoked Chicken with
2 lbs sides - $29.95
3 lbs Pulled Pork with
3 lbs sides - $32.95
One Large Pizza & Dozen Wings $12.99
Two Whole Hoagies $10.99
Pick up or Delivery Only!!
30 OCT 2006
Visit our Mania Page Online at: www.nightwire.net
To See Photos Taken During the Games!
OCT 2006
31

Evanescence
6 6
Having sold nearly 14 million records worldwide,
well more than 6 million in the U.S. alone, with
their major-label debut Fallen, Evanescence is poised
to continue their meteoric rise with their forthcoming
CD, The Open Door (Wind-up Records),
scheduled for release October 3. The album from
the two-time Grammy-winning band is defined by
Amy Lee’s beautiful melodies, compelling lyrics,
poignant piano and stunning vocals, fused with
Terry Balsamo’s urgent, yet intricate guitar, to form
a seamless, ethereal mixture that perfectly channels
the band’s hard rock and classical sensibilities. The
contributions of members John LeCompt (guitar)
and Rocky Gray (drums) are also evident.
“Making this record has been really intense,” explains
Lee. “Terry suffered a stroke last October
and is still recovering, we got a new manager [Andy
Lurie], and a difficult breakup. But everything we’ve
been through together has benefited this album.”
With Fallen, says Lee, the band had much to prove
while defining its identity. This time, finding a
cohesive writing partner in Terry Balsamo, “we really
took our time crafting this album and had the
freedom to express a broader range of emotions: not
just pain and sadness, but also anger and, yes, even
happiness.”
Written late last year, The Open Door was recorded
at The Record Plant in Los Angeles and mixed at
Ocean Way Studios in March 2006. Marking the
return of long-time friend and producer Dave Fortman,
the album’s musical elements include a classically-infused
choir and strings on several tracks,
giving further color to songs of introspection, longing,
doubt, self-respect and, ultimately, empowerment.
The album opens with “Sweet Sacrifice,” a
post-relationship catharsis that head-dives from an
otherworldly intro into a hard-driving thrash of hard
rock guitars and soaring rock vocals. Its first single,
the mid-tempo “Call Me When You’re Sober,” reinforces
the moving-away-from-dysfunction theme.
Other standout tracks on The Open Door include
“Lithium,” which embraces feeling over numbness,
“All That I’m Living For,” Lee’s tribute to band
life, “Weight of the World,” her plea for perspective
from the expectation of young fans, and “Good
Enough,” a string-and-choir-infused closer distinguished
as the band’s first truly (almost) contented
song (“It feels really good ending the album this
way,” says Lee). Having toured for a year-and-a-half
straight with only a month off following the release
of Fallen, Evanescence hopes to hit the road this
time out with a care not to neglect key markets
worldwide. Its U.S. tour begins immediately after
the October 3 debut of The Open Door, rewarding
hardcore fans with a “sneak peak” at the album
handful of more intimate theater dates before segueing
into much larger arena shows.
Originally hailing from Little Rock, Arkansas, the
band’s evolving sound – a
nearly mystical marriage between
rock, goth and classical
– was informed by a curious
duality. Lee, who spent nine
years studying classical piano,
explains, “When I was in
high school I listened to a lot
of death metal bands. Both
genres are intricate, complex
types of music that are very
dramatic, and I’m naturally
drawn to that.”
Evanescence self-released two EPs and a first fulllength
album, the much-sought-after Origin, before
finding a home at Wind-up Records. Fallen, their
major-label debut, was released in April 2003 to
critical and commercial success. The internationally
appealing Top 10 singles “Bring Me to Life” and
“My Immortal” helped drive airplay and led to two
2003 Grammy Awards (Best New Artist and Best
Hard Rock Performance for “Bring Me To Life”).
Propelling the band to sales of nearly 14 million albums
worldwide, Fallen spent more than 100 weeks
on Billboard’s Top 200 chart, was certified gold or
platinum in over 35 countries, and sold out arenas
globally. Anywhere But Home, their 2004 live DVD
release, has sold over one million copies to date.
The inherent drama in Evanescence’s music – a
kind of audio odyssey that can turn on a dime from
piano-led introspection to hammering guitar – has
resonated with listeners everywhere. The band’s aggressive
core finds a counterpart in Lee’s passionate
vocals, lyrics that forge a connection with audiences
searching for identity or struggling with feelings of
desire, hope love and loss. The Open Door is a logical
(but certainly not predictable) transformation of
epic proportions for the band, which, in many ways
has only just begun to make its mark on the music
world.
32 OCT 2006
OCT 2006
33

Over 125 Million Slices Sold
Italian Restaurant and Pizza
North Hills 412-821-0600
Wexford 724-935-4151
Watch the Steelers Game with Us!
Beer Specials
20 oz Coors Light
Draft - $1.50
20 oz Yuengling
Light Draft- $1.50
Great Food!
Free Half Time
Buffet
Party Room
Available!
OCT 2006
35

e i a d h f c ^ _ ` e i a d h f
Horoscopes by Terry Lamb October 2006
LIBRA
Sept 22 - Oct 23
AQUARIUS
Jan 19 - Feb 18
GEMINI
May 20 - June 21
New romantic connections are possible through October
15, but there are obscuring factors that may make it hard
to judge if the new prospect is for real due to Mercury’s
impending retrograde. You’ll have to give it time to know
if you can trust the person, at least through November
17. If may be wise to delay intimacy, no matter how
much you want it. Children’s demands for new toys and
pastimes could put the pinch on your budget later, even
though you’re feeling flush now. Thinking ahead will help
you avoid difficulties later.
With your attention mostly on your career, you could
overlook sensitive relationship situations and say the
wrong thing, especially as the tensions mount the end of
the month. Just being alert to others’ perspectives will
keep your communications in balance. Critical dates are
October 5, 15, 22 and 24.
PISCES
Feb 18 - Mar 20
You have more time this month for doing what you
love most – socializing. From parties to dinner
with a few friends to a romantic evening with your
partner, you will revel in the joy of what has been
a rare experience for you this year – relaxation and
appreciation of life with those you love.
CANCER
June 21 - July 22
36 OCT 2006
SCORPIO
Oct 23 - Nov 22
This may be a good time to speak thoughtfully, as
Mercury begins it retrograde through your sign. Since it is
a Scorpio quality to withhold your point of view, perhaps
until it is too late, letting others know in a low-key way
what your needs are could be a good start in a new communicative
direction for you.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Family are more conciliatory now, especially early in the
month, so leap on the opportunity to heal wounds if it
presents itself. There’ll be a process here that plays out
over October and November, with key dates of October
10 and November 1, 8, 14 and 22. By seeing it as
something that takes more than one encounter to heal,
and by allowing the other parties to see the truth for
themselves, you are responding in the best possible way.
CAPRICORN
Dec 21 - Jan 19
You’re rethinking the ways you connect with others
through your network of friends, colleagues, organizations
and clubs. In the wake of the past year’s growth in this
area, it’s time to take stock of what you want to take with
you into the coming Jupiter cycle, which starts November
23. As Mercury retrogrades through your 11th House
starting 10/18, you may reconsider responsibilities you
took on and extricate yourself from them. If you can give
key people the heads-up before then, your news will be
easier to accept.
You’ve never felt better about your direction in life, and
those close to you are behind you one hundred percent.
Don’t forget to express your appreciation. You’ve come
through a challenging period, and you wouldn’t have
made it without them. You gain the support of others,
perhaps even media attention from far and wide, and this
may include financial reward.
ARIES
Mar 20 - Apr 19
The harmonizing planets are principally felt in your
social life, where difficulties in groups are haled
with the help of a few friends. This involves the
mediation of several people to open the channels to
negotiations and accord. Key dates are October 3,
10, 13, 18 and 19. Events on October 5, 15,
and 22 feed a long-term process that affects your
flow of income.
TAURUS
Apr 19 - May 20
If it seems as though you have another full-time job
taking care of your home and family duties, that’s
Saturn speaking. You’ve been caring more responsibility
there, and that pulls you away for what you’ve
been working toward in your career since 1998.
Although you have another year of this push-pull
process, it gets tremendously easier now. It helps
to remember that personal and family happiness and
security are the goal of career growth, not the other
way around. Listen to what those closest to you
have to say and they will become more insistent after
October 28. Key listening dates are October 5,
15, 22 and 24.
Life is rich with pleasure, especially through October 24,
because you can focus your attention on your home once
more. Children go through an adjustment period to new
influences starting October 1, which becomes apparent
as the month waxes. They need to know why about
something before they’ll accept it. Key dates are October
5, 15, and 22. If you prepare them well, follow-up
events in November and December will flow more
smoothly. Romantic ties go through an adjustment period
as well, backtracking to a previous stage in the relationship
to accommodate your partner’s emotional needs.
LEO
July 22 - Aug 22
Mercury’s latest retrograde, which starts on October 28,
will bring issues out at home, enabling you to clear the
air about suppressed issues. Communications early in the
month will reveal the form the relevant situations will take,
even though the underlying issues will be the ones you’ve
been dealing with all year. Observe what you experience
on October 15, 22 and 24 for events that will give you
clues to what’s up, and you may even be able to head off
misunderstandings at these times. You can smooth over
emotional issues by spending time together outside your
home – go to a move or community event to bring your
relationship back to neutral ground.
VIRGO
Aug 22 - Sept 22
If your partner is more conciliatory now, it is because
you are more relaxed. You can use this time to
refocus your relationships in a positive direction,
especially in the first half of the month. Listen
closely to what others are saying, but don’t ignore
your own insights. As the month waxes, an issue
will emerge that raises the old dilemma of who’s right
and who’s wrong, and you’ll find that it’s somewhere
in between.
OCT 2006 37

Personal:
Professional Personal Masseuse
Please call: 724-223-0939 or
Pager: 888-549-6763
Leave a message
All calls returned!!
CLASSIFIEDS
Wanted:
Female Models
www.genefenton.com
724-463-7145
724-463-0648
C.E. Mitchell Photo
Commercial Photographer
Pittsburgh, PA
412-656-1089
Ronal Design
Graphic Designer
Corporate Branding, Logo, Brochure,
38 OCT 2006

40 OCT 2006
. .

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