to download - Voice Male Magazine

Inside:
• A Hometown Challenge to Racism
• Beyond the Isolation of Men
• A Feminist Wife Embraces
Men's Work
• Young Men of Cofor Speaking Out
• Gay & Queer: What's in a Name?

From the Editor
Two Sides of Fathering
The catchphrases "i_nvolved fathering"
and "fathers' rights" have been at the
forefront of an important debate raging
across the country as more and more
moms and dads .try to walk without stumbling
through the still somewhat unfamiliar
landscape of 21st-century American family
life.
On .one side of the debate are the growing
number of men, whether in intact families or
single-fathering, who have heeded the message
of their own hearts or their children's
mothers (or both) to see their role as fathers
as a central component of their identity.
These men, often swimming upstream .
against assigned expectations for fathers, are
involved in ways seldom seen in previous
generations. They don't go after the bfg promotion
at work; they arrange their schedules
so they can take the kids to the dentist. They
rarely miss a soccer game or school play. At
home, they cook and clean and recognize
that they don't have to make the big decisions
unilaterally in order to feel good about
themselves. They are getting support from
dads' groups when their ktds are small; from
parenting classes that involve fathers early
and often. And they are also getting support
from their partners or wives, current or ex,
who recognize the simple fact that it is good
for kids to have their dads actively involved
in their lives and it is good for dads to be
actively involved.
Mothers of all stripes deserve a lot of
credit for opening up the parenting circle
wide enough to let fathers in. After all, raising
children has long been seen as a
woman's domain, not to be encroached upon
by the masculine hand that touches and
directs so much of society. Even if the workload
was gravely unbalanced, at least women
knew that the realm of babies and children
was theirs alone. Now, with the phenomenon
of involved fathering, when a high~conflict
separation or divorce looms large, a
household's personal problem can easily
grow into a serious social threat to the stability
of families and the safety of women
and children.
For many separated or divorced fathers,
unsure of how family life in the era of
involved fathering is "supposed" to be, there
is confusion, frustration, and often anger.
Sometimes those feelings are triggered by a
family court judge awarding more time to an
ex-partner to be with the children.
Sometimes those feelings are triggered
because a father is still angry at his ex-wife
for ending the relationship or because he
feels unsure about how to take care of the
kids by himself. Many such fathers see their
children's mothers as actively trying to deny
2
By Rob Okun
' them access to their
children, and more
than a few get
involved in what are
often called "fathers'
rights" groups. It's not
uncommon to see
handfuls of men with signs advo~ating th~
rights of dads picketing in front of family
courts in many states, inCluding several in
the Northeast.
Some may very well be getting a raw deal.
If so, it is essential t;hat divorce lawyers, psychotherapists,
family service court officers,
mediators, guardians ad litem and judges
educate themselves about those circumstances
and take steps to intervene when a
man has been inacc.urately targeted as part of
a strategy in a contentious custody complaint.
However, a dangerously high number
of cases have involved fathers with a documented
history of abuse. Some have been
arrested for domestic assault and battery;
some have had restraining orders taken out
against them-not as a strategy, but because
they have threatened to h,urt or have hurt
their former partners. Sometimes their chHdren,
too, have been at risk.
Thankfully; the old-school response to
domestic violence-violence behind a family's
closed doors is nobody's business-has
evolved into sophisticated trainings for
police, social service agencies, physicians,
school personnel, and emergency room staff
to recognize signs of abuse. Society has said
loudly and clearly that it won't tolerate bat-·
tering.
Nonviolent fathers looking for a fair
shake in custody cases where they have
legitimate claims deserve support. But those
who are intimidating their children's mothers,
harassing the court, or affiliating themselves
with groups more interested in sustaining
conflict than in the well-being of
their children have forfeited any such claim.
· They'd be well advised to stop wasting precious
time tearing down their children's
mothers and concentrate instead on building
up their relationships with their children.
Involved, non-abusive fathers may have
their hands full raising their children, but
they have much to teach the fathers who've
crossed the line. Maybe some of them who
coach a team or juggle a carpool will find
time to show up when the fathers' rights
dads are picketing the court and will take a
few minutes to talk with them. Maybe they'll
band together, too, to say there is another
way.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
FEATURE ARTICLES
A Feminist Wife Embraces Men's Work 8
By Wtllow Broche
Men Together: Photos of 19th-Century
Male Friendships 10
Edited by David Deitcher
Beyond the Isolation of Men 13
By Michael Burke
Book Review: Kate Bomstein's
Gender Outlaw 15
By Mark Ribble
Losing My Voice 19
By Patrick Lemmon
COLUMNS & OPINION
From the Editor 2
Director's Voice 3
Mail Bonding 4
Men@Work
Four to Receive MRC Awards 5
Voices of Youth: Young Men of Color
Speaking Out 12
By Antonio Lewis
ColorLines: A Hometown Challenge
to Racism 14
By j eff Harris
OutLines: Gay and Queer: What's in
a Name? 16
By Michael Greenebaum
GBQ Resources 17
Fathering: Fathering Through the Storm 18
By jeff Kelly Lowenstein
Men &: Health: Meditation: It's Not
What You Think 20
By joe Zaske
Notes from Survivors: Healing from
Sexual Addiction 21
By Louis Castagno
MRC Programs &: Services 23
Resources 24
Thank You 25
Calendar 26
I
Voice Male is published quarterly by the Men 's
Resource Center of Western Ma ss!lchusetts, mailed
to donors and subscribers, and distributed at select
locations throughout Western Massachusetts.
The mission of the Men's Resource Center of Western
Massachusetts is to support men and develop men's
leadership in challenging all forms of oppression in
our lives, our families, and ou r communities. Our programs
support men to overcome the damaging effects
of rigid and stereotyped masculinity, and simultaneously
confront men's patterns of personal and sodetal
violence and abu se toward women, children, and
other men.
Membership
The MRC is funded by individual and organizational
contributions, and fees for services. Please join us in
our vision of men healing, growing, ending violence.
Annual subscription and membership is $25. Send to
MRC, 236 Pleasant St, Amherst, MA 01002
Main Office: 236 Nonh Pleasant Street • Amherst, MA
01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801
Springfidd Office: 29 Howard Street • Springfield, MA
01105 • 413.734.3438 -Hampshire
Community
Email: mrc@valinet.com
un111ec1~
Website: www.mensresourcecenter.org
Voice Male

Administrative Staff
Exsclltlrs Director- Steven Botkin
Associate Director- Rob Okun
Dlnctor of Operations - Carl Erikson
Admltllstratlrs Assistant - Spirit Joseph
Men Overcoming VIolence
Dlnctors - Russell Bradbury-Carlin
C/11/t:al Supsrrtsor - Steven Botkin
Parlller Serrlcss Coordinator (on leave) - Sara Elinoff
IBferlm Plllfllsr Services Coordl1ator -Jan Eidelson
lltalcB Ctltlrtllnatortcourt Ualso11 - Steve Trudel
F11111kll1 Co1111ty CoDitilnator - Joy Kaubin
#lamptiBI CODify Coordinator - Scott Girard
NDrlh Q11abbl1 Community Educator- Tom Sullivan
Group LBadsrs -Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Eve
Bogdanove. Sara Elinofl, Karen Fogliatti, Scali Girard, Steve
Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Devon Klein, Dot LaFratta, Gary
Newcomb, Rob Okun, Tom Sullivan, Sieve Trudel
IBfBfll - Helen Lee
Hampden County Programs
Director of Immigrant and Refuges Program -
Juan Carlos Arean
Youth Programs
CIHirtll11at11r - Jeff Harris
Hll/yDicB GIDUP LBadBt - Gary Bullard
Voice Male
EdHor- Rob Okun
Ma•aglllg Ednor - Michael Burke
Se11lor Editor - Steven Botkin
Designer- candid design
CDpf EdltDtS- Michael Dover. Maurice Posada
Support Programs
Dl111ctor -Allan Arnaboldi
Support Group Facilitators
Allan Arnaboldi, Michael Baumgartner. Ken Bernstein, Slephen
Bradley, Michael Burke, Jim Devlin, Carl Erikson, Tim Gordon,
Ken Howard, Rick Kapler. Arne Korstvedt, Damien Licata, Gabor
Lukacs, Rick Martin, Bob Mazer. Peter McAvoy, Jim Napolitan,
Tom Schuyt, Chris Shanahan, Sheldon Snodgrass, Bob
Sternberg
Board of Directors
Chair - Michael Dover
VIce-Chair - Thorn Herman
Clerk/TrsasutBr- Peter Jessop
Members - Mario Cruz. Jenny Daniell, Nancy Girard, Tom
Gardner. Ty Jouber/, Yoko Kato. Brenda L6pez, Matt Ouellet
Sudhakar Vamathevan
Advisory Board
Michael Bardsley, Dean Cycon, Bailey Jackson. Luis Melendez.
Matthew Morse, Cheryl Rivera, Elili!beth Scheibel, Diane
Troderrnan, Felice Yeske/
Editor's Note
Opinions expressed herein may not represent the views of all
staff. board, or ~rembers of the MRC. We welcome letters,
articles, news items, article ideas, and events of interest. We
encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible
tor their loss. Manuscripts will be returned and responded
to if accompanied by a stamped return envelope. Send to
Voice Male, 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002.
Advertising
For rates and deadlines call Voice Male Advertising at
(413) 253-9887. Ex/. 22.
Director's Voice ----------- By Steven Botkin
Don't Ask/Don't Tell:
A Challenge to Change
Several years ago the U.S. military
adopted the "don't ask/don't tell" policy
to deal with (or avoid) the issue of
gay men and lesbians serving in the armed
forces . Seen by some as an improvement
over the "no gays in the military" policy,
this plan offered a compromise: as long as
you stay "in the closet" and don't let anyone
know about your sexual orientation, the
military won't ask you and you can stay in
the service. Silence and invisibility have
been the price a job and, for many, a career.
And now we hear the Boy Scouts of ·
America (BSA) using the same don't
ask/don't tell strategy in an attempt to
maintain their traditional opposition to
homosexuality without appearing to discriminate.
"Although the BSA makes no
effort to discover the sexual orientation of
any person, we believe an avowed homosexual
is not a role model for the faithbased
values espoused in the Scout Oath
and Law" (BSA website). The message is
very clear. Nobody asks and nobody tells.
You are qualified to be in scouting only if
you agree to pledge allegiance to a very
straight and very narrow definition of masculinity.
It is easy to criticize the military and the
Boy Scouts for their overtly oppressive policies.
However, these two institutions, bastions
of masculinity in our culture, have
simply made explicit one of the fundamental
rules of male socialization: if you want
to be a "real man," you don't ask and you
don't tell. And the impact of this social policy
affects us all.
Don't ask why boys don't cry or play
with dolls. Don't ask why Daddy hits
Mommy. Don't ask about the flicker of sadness
or fear in your friend's eyes. Don't ask
if you could give him a hug. Don't ask for
attention to your own pain or fear. Don't
ask for a shoulder to lean on ... or cry on.
Don't tell about the violence you have
seen or heard. Don't tell about how you ·
were abused. Don't tell about the ways you
were violent or abusive. Don't tell how
much you are hurt or scared. Don't tell
about your feelings at all. Don't tell about
your desires, or about your hopes, or your
dreams. Don't tell about who you really are
and what you really want.
Even .before we have entered the Scouts
or joined the military, we are taught the
don't ask/don't tell policy. No matter what
our sexual orientation, we learn not to tell
or be anything that' would expose us as not
fitting into the dominant definition of masculinity.
We also learn not
to ask other men anything
that could expose
them. Together we learn
to pledge allegiance to a
straight and narrow
model of manhood.
Silence and invisibility is
the price for our safety
and acceptance.
But what would happen
if men began to break this silence,
question the mask of masculinity, and tell
the truth about our experiences and our
feelings? What would happen if we joined
together to pledge allegiance to our wonderful
diversity of maleness/femaleness and
challenge the institutions, laws, and culture
that promote don't ask/don't tell policies?
What would happen if we created an organization
that could be a focal point for supporting
a growing community of men and
women committed to asking and telling?
For the past 19 years at the Men's
Resource Center we have been exploring
answers to these questions. Each week
more than 100 men in Men Overcoming
Violence groups and women in MOVE partners'
groups meet to tell one another about
their experiences with violence and abuse,
and ask how to have nonviolent relation- ·
ships. Each week men come together in
four different drop-in suppon groups (two
general groups, one for gay/bisexuaVquestioning
men, and one for survivors of childhood
abuse) to ask one another about their
authentic selves and tell one another their
real feelings. And each week young men
join in two (soon to be three) leadership
and violence prevention groups to create a
new culture of masculinity where asking
and telling are valued as signs of integrity
and strength rather than punished or
shamed as signs of weakness.
Each ~ear we join together as a community
to affirm our commitment to challenging
and changing the don't ask/don't tell
culture of masculinity and to honor 111en
and women who do ask and tell. On
November 1 you are invited to join the
Men's Resource Center at our sixth annual
Challenge & Change Celebration (see story
on page 5). We are no longer willing to be
silent and isolated. We are coming out!
Fall2001
3

..
WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU
Write us! Please send typewritten, double-spaced letters to: VOICE MALE , MRC, 236 North
Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253-4801,
E-mail: mrc@valinet.com; include address and phone. Letters may be edited for
clarity and length. Deadline for the Winter 2002 Issue is November 10, 2001.
l
l
.
3
r
]
3
e
(
J
C
h
:t
Working Against Racism
It was most encouraging to see the good
turnout in Amherst last May at the rally
for Robert Green (whose business was the
target of a racist attack; see related story,
page 14), and to hear the excellent presentations
from the various groups. I wish we
could be more a.ctive in the work of implementing
these resolutions, but we're getting
old (almost 90) and the vigil is about
all we can do. We're especially aware of
connections on and in all our issues, such
as the ones we deal with a lot: prisons,
prisoners and the death penalty, police
brutality, etc., with racism.
It's good to know the Men's Resource
Center is there working with MEN!
Thankfully, women are getting more of
their due.
Lee and Margaret Holt
Amherst, Mass .
Supporting Men Works
MRC, thank you for being there! When I
moved here for graduate school last fall, I
was so nervous about finding a supportive
place for a young gay guy. Thankfully an
acquaintance mentioned it to me at the
Stonewall Center open house. Everybody
was great to me and I can easily say these
past eight months have been the best of
my life-with no small contribution from
the MRC. I am grateful and awed at what
good people can do when so inspired.
Thank you.
Can't Live Without You
George F. Roberson
Hinsdale, Mass.
Thanks to my friendship with Paul Zelizer,
director of the Taos men's center (Men's
Resource Center of Northern New
Mexico), I have been aware of the work of
. the Men's Resource Center (of Western
Massachusetts) and the existence of Voice
Male for some years. The issues of VM I
picked up at the recent NOMAS Men &:
Masculinity conference in Denver, however,
were so full of superb articles that I
decided I could live no longer without a
subscription. Thank you many times both
for the work that the MRC is doing to heal
the gender wounds of so many people, and
for the thoughtful, well-written articles in
Voice Male. Good wishes in the continuation
of your valuable work.
Bruce C. Barton
Littleton, Colo.
CAN YOU HELP?
The MRC needs:
PC compatible scanner
Color Printer
Digital Camera
Contact: Carl Erikson
(413) 253-9887, Ext. 13
!
c
1
a
.(
'(
I
Internal Mediation -Life Beyond Therapy
"Internal Mediation" is based on "The Work of Byron Katie" and Thorn Herman is a certified
Practitioner of the Work. Internal Mediation is a simple and radical process that fundamentally alters our
relationship to our thoughts.
Thorn can be invited to present Internal Mediation to groups in a workshop setting. When invited
Thorn works by donation. He also works with clients individually through his psychotherapy practice in
Northampton and Greenfield, MA
For more information check out Thorn's web site at:
4
Voice Male

MEN(®WORK
Challenge & Change 2001
Four to Receive Men's Resource Center Annual Award
The Men's Resource Center has selected
four people to receive awards at its sixth
annual Challenge &: Change Celebration on
Thursday, November 1, at the Inn at
Northampton. This year's honorees include
an Amherst guidance counselor, two leaders
in the area's nonprofit sector, and a student
advocate for gay, lesbian, bisexual and
transgendered (GLBT) people.
Challenge &: Change award recipients
include Barry Brooks, guidance counselor at
Amherst Regional Middle School, and
David Sharken, executive director of the
Food Bank of Western Massachusetts. John
Kazlauskas, Jr., a recent graduate of the
University of Massachusetts and an activist
on GLBT issues, is receiving the Ozzy Klate
Memorial Youth Award, and Kristi Nelson,
executive director of the Women's Fund of
Western Massachusetts, is the first recipient
of the organization's Challenge &: Change
Woman's Award.
Barry Brooks has
been a guidance counselor
at Amherst
Regional Middle
School and Amherst
Regional High School
since 1977. Born in
Washington, D.C., he
attended segregated
public schools there
until I956, then
attended and graduated from Mount
Hennon School in Northfield, Mass. He
received his B.S. from Springfield College in
1964. After teaching in Connecticut, he
and his family moved to Amherst in 1971,
where he attended the Graduate School of
Education at the University of Massachusetts
and became the first director of the A Better
Chance (ABC) House in Amherst. He continues
to serve on ABC's board of directors.
Barry has been a basketball coach and track
and field official at the high school, has
served as vice president of the African­
American Music Society of Springfield, and
is a member of Black Men of Greater
Springfield. He is also a staff member at the
W.E.B. DuBois Academy, a Saturday school
sponsored by that organization. He has
hosted a weekly jazz program on the radio
for the past 18 years. "Year in and year out,
Barry has been there for the young people
of Amherst and he has extended the reach
of his heart and mind to Springfield as
well," said Steven Botkin, MRC executive
director. "He is a cornerstone' of our community
and we are honored to call him a
friend and ally"
David Sharken has
been working at the
Food Bank of Western
Massachusetts for
nearly 10 years and
has been its executive
director for the past
six, expanding the
organization's.outreach
and food distribution
efforts as well as
strengthening nutrition education and community
service learning programs. David
was also instrumental in creating the
Massachusetts Emergency Food Assistance
Program to provide a larger flow of nutritious
food at no cost to emergency
providers throughout the Commonwealth.
"David is a key voice for people in need
across the region," says Rob Okun, MRC
associate director. "He's a constant presence,
reminding us that, amidst apparent
plenty, there is hunger. He demonstrates,
too, that we all can be part of the solution."
Previous to his food bank experience,
David managed economic and community
development activities for U.S. Rep.
john Olver. He has been a consultant on
non-profit management and actively
worked on community and public policy
issues for 20 years. He has a master's
degree in Public Policy from Claremont
Graduate School and a B.A. in organizational
development from the University of
Michigan. David currently serves on the
national delegation of America's Second
Harvest, the national network of food
banks. He also is on the board of directors
of the Council of Social Agencies of
Hampshire County, the regional Federal
Emergency Management Agency, the
Human Services Forum of Hampden
County, and the New England Anti-Hunger
Network. ,
john Kazlauskas,
Jr., graduated summa
cum laude from the
University of
Massachusetts earlier
this year with majors
in sociology and
English and a minor
in women's studies.
He was president of
the distinguished visitors
program, a resident assistant, and a
member of the Stonewall Center's speakers'
bureau. John also helped organize a
statewide Action for Campus
Transformation (ACT) conference and was
a peer educator on issues around sexual
harassment. His senior project, an educational
film titled Speak Up!: Improving the
Lives of GLBT Youth , is being nationally distributed
to high schools and colleges
through the Media Education Foundation
of Northampton. He won one of three Class
of 1941 Humanitarian Awards from the
UMass Honors Program this year and was
on the Youth Resource Honor Roll in
2000-a list of the 100 top activists for
GLBT youth in the nation. He is now
attending New York University, pursuing an
M.A. in an interdisciplinary program studying
both film and activism/social inequality,
building on the work he did as an undergraduate.
"The Ozzy Klate Award is for
young men who demonstrate a deep commitment
to developing leadership and community
involvement along with a passion
for creative expression and innovation,"
said Botkin. "john fits these criteria perfectly
We're glad to have the chance to
honor a young man doing good work that
we support."
Kristi Nelson has
worked in nonprofit
management and
development for the
past 15 years, raising
millions of dollars for
causes ranging from
the environment to
hospice care. As executive
director of the
Women's Fund of Western Massachusetts,
she recently completed a campaign to raise
$5 million for the fund's endowment, mobilizing
women's resources on behalf of the
needs of women and girls. Kristi serves on
the advisory boards of Cancer Connection,
Class Action, and the Men's Resource
Center. She also recently participated as the
community member of the MRC's Strategic
Planning Committee, which designed and
oversaw the development of a five-year plan
for the organization. "I was privileged to
work with Kristi on our strategic planning,"
said Michael Dover, MRC board chair. "Her
passion and energy was always palpable at
our meetings, as was her considerable experience
and wisdom. It continues to be a
distinct privilege to have her presence as an
ally She's given us so much it seemed only
fitting that Kristi would be selected to be
our first female award recipient."
Tickets for the November 1st dinner at
the Inn at Northampton are $30 with
options available to be a patron, sponsor or
host. For more information call the MRC at
(413) 253-9887, Ext. 22.
Fall2001
5

MEN(®WORK
New Board Members Join Men's Resource Center
The Men's Resource Center's (MRC)
board of directors said a reluctant farewell
to one member and welcomed three new
members not long ago. Shellie Taggart, a
domestic violence specialist with the
Massachusetts Department of Social
Services and a board member since 1997,
left the board to pursue a master's degree in
public policy. She will continue as a member
of the MRC's Anti-Racism Committee,
which examines the organization's efforts to
challenge racism as a key part of its mission.
"Shellie has been a tremendous asset
to the board," said its chair, Michael Dover.
"She has combined head and heart in
everything she's done with and for us. She
brought the perspective of someone who
has worked in the battered women's movement,
has worked to end racism in communities
and workplaces, and as a supervisor
for a major state agency. We will miss her
wisdom, insight, and spirit."
joining the board are Wilham Dowd,
Jack Hornor, and Matt Ouellett. Bill Dowd
is president of Blair, Cutting and Smith
Insurance Agency Group in Amherst. An
Amherst native, Bill first joined the MRC
board's Development Committee as a community
member. He is a member of the
Bill Dowd
Amherst Rotary and
has been active in the
state insurance association.
He and his wife
Bonnie have three children,
two nine-year-old
sons and a 13-year-oid
daughter.
Jack Hornor, an
independent fund-rais-
ing consultant, grew
up in New York City
and worked for many years as a teacher. In
1990 Jack came out of the closet, and
moved to "a welcoming community,"
Northampton. He chairs the Northampton
Housing Partnership. Jack has served on
the boards of a variety of local gay and lesbian
organizations,
and in 1995 was the
chief fund-raiser for
the Domestic
Partnership Coalition.
Jack was a charter
member of the MRC
Advisory Board, and
chairs its
Development
Committee. He and
Jack Hornor
his partner, Ron Skinn,
live in Northampton.
Dr. Matthew
Ouellett is associate
director of the Center
For Teaching ( CFT),
University of
Massachusetts
Amherst, where he
works with faculty and
teaching assistants to Matt Ouellet
develop skills for
teaching and learning in the diverse classroom.
He presents workshops on teaching,
diversity, and social justice issues regionally
and nationally. Matt is also adjunct lecturer
at Smith College School for Social Work,
teaching courses on the implications of
racism for clinical social work practice, and
at the UMass School of Education, where
he is conducting research on the Safe
Schools Project for Gay and Lesbian Youth
in high schools. He and his partner, Ron
Parent, live in Springfield.
For more inlormation about the MRC
board and its members, contact Michael
Dover at ( 413) 253-9887, ext. 16.
From Here to Maternity: Adding and Subtracting at MOVE
After nearly a decade as one of the central
players in the Men Overcoming Violence
program (MOVE) at the Men's Resource
Center, Sara Elinoff has gone on a year's
maternity leave. Sara, the first woman to
work at the MRC, -created MOVE's pioneering
partner support services in 1992 (with
inspiration from MRC board member Nancy
Girard). Partner services offer regular contact,
including a weekly support group, for
partners and ex-partners of men in the
MRC's state-certified program for men acting
abusively in their families. In addition to
serving as partner services coordinator, for
the past two and a half years Sara has served
as co-director of MOVE, sharing the position
with Russell
Bradbury-Carlin and
for the past year, she
has co-led one of the
weekly MOVE groups.
"Sara's commitment
to ending domestic
violence is a source of
inspiration for all of us
in this challenging
field," Bradbury-Carlin
said. "Going back to Sara Elinoff
1985 when she began
working in the battered-women's
movement,
Sara has been a
tireless advocate for
women. What has
been inspiring about
working with her has
been her ability to
embrace working with
men." Sara's article Jan Eidelson
"What's a Nice
Feminist Like Me Doing in a Place Like
This?" in the Winter 1999 issue of Voice
Male chronicles her journey from working at
a battered-women's shelter to working at the
Men's Resource Center. "We celebrate with
Sara and her family and look forward to her
strong ongoing connection to the MRC,"
said MRC executive director Steven Botkin.
"Most of all we look forward to a new member
joining the MRC family."Joining Elinoff
on maternity leave is partner outreach counselor
Mary Dupont-Brandt. "Mary's steady.
presence and dedication to MOVE's mission
has been admirable. We'll miss her," said
Bradbury-Carlin.
While Elinoff is on leave Bradbury-Carlin
will assume responsibility as director qf
MOVE. Elinoff is being replaced by interim
partner services coordinator, Jan Eidelson,
who began work in August. Eidelson, who
most recently was working as a counselor at
the New England Learning Center for
Women in Transition (NELCWIT) , the
Greenfield, Mass.-based battered-women's
program: has a long history
of working in the
field , primarily in
Philadelphia.
Also joining the
MOVE staff is Karen
Fogliatti, a seasoned batterer
intervention counselor
who worked in the
field for several years in
the Athol-Orange, Mass.
area. Fogliatti, who also Karen Fogliatti
began work in August, will be co-leading
three groups a week.
She had previously worked as a community
domestic violence awareness educator
in the Athol-Orange area and is a longtime
ally and colleague of the MOVE program
and the MRC.
6
Voice Male

MEN(@WORK
l
Fathers at Work
The Silent Epidemic
Same Sex Domestic Violence
Assistance for young, low-income, noncustodial
fathers wanting to provide financial
and emotional support for their children
may be on the way. A three-year, $10
million program by the Charles Stewart
Matt Foundation is bei!lg initiated to help
fathers whose incomes fall below the
poverty line for a single adult find jobs
and learn new employable skills. The
foundation's Fathers at Work Initiative
wants to help such fathers in developing
careers, finding jobs, and acquiring skills.
"If young, low-income fathers are to
fulfill their financial responsibility to their
children, there must be a greater impact
on the personal and social barriers to
employment that those men face," said
William S. White, Matt Foundation president.
White hopes lessons learned from the
project will help shape future policy
debates on social welfare and child support
reform.
Six organizations were chosen by the
foundation to work on the initiative. Each
will receive around $800,000 over the next
three and a half years to plan and implement
the program. The organizations
include the Center for Employee
Opportunities in New York City; Chicago
Employment Services, Inc.; Impact
Services Corporation in Philadelphia;
Rubicon Programs, Inc., in Richmond,
California; Total Action Against Poverty in
Roanoke, Virginia; and Vocational
Foundation in New York .. More information
can be found at the foundation's website,
www.mott.org/.
Gay Fatherhood on TV
A video documentary about gay fathers
is in the works for public television. San
Francisco Bay area filmmaker Johnny
Symons is directing and producing the documentary-in-progress
with a focus on the
personal, social, and political impact of gay
men raising children. Producers say the
film will portray five gay men, coupled or
single, who have made a conscious choice
to form their own nuclear families either
through adoption, foster parenting, or surrogacy.
For more information about the
film, write daddies@ix.netcom.com.
Surveys conducted over the past five
years by the Gay Men's Domestic
Violence Project (a statewide social service
agency with a satellite office in
western Massachusetts) have revealed
that one in four gay, bisexual and transgendered
(GBT) men have experienced
domestic violence. The demographics
gathered in these surveys also show
that men from a wide range of backgrounds
have been victimized by abusive
partners. Men from all age ranges,
ethnicity and income levels report having
been abused at some point by an
intimate partner. According to The
Network!La Red; Ending Abuse in
Lesbian, Bisexual Women and
Transgender Communities (another
statewide
agency), the
same ratio of
one-in-four
applies to
women in
those communities.
Notably, the
one-in-four
ratio is equivalent
to the
results that
the U.S.
Justice Department has released based
on their surveys of heterosexual
women. To date, no surveys have been
conducted of heterosexual males,
although the Centers for Disease
Control has recently released a report
stating that one in five victims of
domestic violence are men (straight and
GBT).
It is apparent that domestic violence
does not discriminate based on age,
income, ethnicity background, sex, gender
or sexual orientation. Domestic
violence can and does happen in all
types of relationships. With the accompanying
"side effects" of physical trauma,
mental health disorders, homelessness,
and loss of economic stability (to
name a few) , it also becomes apparent
that domestic violence is a very serious
public health threat.
Why does the issue of same sex
domestic violence receive so little exposure
in the media? Perhaps because the
issue is rarely talked about within the
Gay Lesbian Bisexual and Transgender
community (GLBT) where fear of further
oppression may inhibit a thorough
examination. As an oppressed group,
the GLBT community may be hesitant
to address issues many are afraid will
further "stain" the community. Also,
there is protectionism· of "queer love,"
which endorses over-protection of same
gender relationships and unwillingness
to recognize abuse when it happens.
Some idolize "queer love" as a deconstruction
of many of the power differences
in heterosexual relationships.
This defensiveness can build community
denial about abusive relationships.
Domestic violence of any kind is
about power
and controlone
person
exercising
power and
control over
another, and
the victim is
losing his or
her power
and control
over his or
her life. The
fear, isolation,
and embarrassment that follows can be
paralyzing, and many victims feel they
cannot speak out. Talking about what
has happened, sharing stories, and
reaching out to those who you think
might need help are all good ways to
start addressing this silent epidemic.
Volunteers are needed, from sta{fing
a hot line to providing a temporary
"safe home." To find out about helping,
call any of the following organizations:
Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project,
800-832-1901; The Network /La Red:
Ending Abuse in Lesbian, Bisexual
Women and Transgender Communities,
617-423-SAFE; Violence Recovery
Program at Fenway Communi~y Health,
800-834-3242.
- Mark Cannien
Mark Cannien is the Western
Massachusetts coordinator for the Gay
Men's Domestic Violence Project.
Fall2001
7

A Feminist Wife Embraces Men's Work
Sleeping with the Enemy
By Willow Brocke
As a feminist, I can talk for hours about
the living, breathing reality of women's
economic, social and sexual oppression.
However, when I first heard about the
men's movement I was highly suspicious.
"Why do they need a movement?" I thought.
"They already own and control everythingwhat's
their problem?" The whole thing
smelled of backlash to me. Then I met my husband
and started learning to love a man--close
up. Slowly I began to understand what some of
the issues might be. I know that as a woman I
will always remain an outsider to the men's
movement and would never attempt to define
the nature of male oppression. I also know that
my husband's struggle to reevaluate what it
means to be a man has not been undertaken in
a vacuum. When you share the same bed,
bathroom, kitchen table and bank account
with someone, you feel the bumps and stretches
of their personal growth. I had two choices:
resist the changes or grow with him. So, like
any normal marriage partner, I did both.
Laundry Rights
I'm sure my early feminist friends would
tell me that falling in love with the "enemy"
clouds one's political judgment. Perhaps they're
right, but when the dating-fire died down and
we began to have those future-of-our-relationship
discussions, I'm sure it was the feminist in
me who decided she'd better hold on to this
one. We were having an argument in my apartment
one afternoon when it suddenly dawned
on me that during the whole irritating dialogue,
he had been washing, drying, and folding
my laundry! He wasn't doing it to impress
me. In fact he was frustrated as heck with
me-he was doing it because it was there.
At that moment, the light bulb came on
over my heart-along with the words: I can
work with this. The point is that my husband
"gets it." He is one of those men who honestly
does half of the housework and child care. He
is fair; and he's been that way for 10 years now.
So when he began to challenge me about my
sexist behavior, I had to admit he had earned
the right.
Defensive Driving
"I really hate it when you do that," he said
one evening on the way home from a dinner
party.
"What?" I asked, already defensive as I
pulled out onto the highway.
"Make sweeping generalizations about
men ." I rewound the party in my head. "You
mean when Larry called the guys downstairs· to
play pool?"
"Yes," he said. "I heard you say something
about 'the boys and their toys,' and then you
laughed."
I was caught; it was a sweeping generalization.
But wasn't it true? Didn't men generally
seem to avoid meaningful conversation with
each other by distracting themselves with some
kind of game, gadget or activity?
"Why play pool then?" I asked, confident
of my observation. "Why not just talk to each
other?" This was when he really started to
sound exasperated-! realized this was going
to be more than a friendly debate.
"If you'd been paying attention," he
declared, "you might have noticed that for the
hour before we went downstairs we were trying
to talk-but the women were dominating
the conversation. Not just in terms of sheer
verbiage but also re-interpreting, re-defining,
and re-directing what the men said."
"We did not!" I denied. "Give me an example!
" I always ask for examples when I know
I'm losing an argument.
"Remember when Doug was trying to talk
about how much he enjoyed taking his son
Jamie on a fishing trip last month?" he asked.
I did. He continued, "Before he could even ·
get the story out, his wife started telling everyone
the trip had been a kind of 'initiation' for
Jamie."
"Yeah, so?" I asked defiantly.
"The point," he concluded, "is that this is
his wife's interpretation of what was important
about the trip. We never got to hear the rest of
Doug's story because the women started talking
about the whole 'male initiation' thing­
Doug gave up."
"Oh," I said, starting to see that he might
have a fledgling point. After a couple more
equally good examples, I was beginning to
understand the retreat to the pool table in a
different light and realized why my sweeping
generalization had sunk the eight ball on the
first shot.
Holding Back the Flood
Over the next few weeks, with my husband's
help, I began to see a pattern of interaction
I had- not been aware of. My words were
defining the emotional, moral and relational
aspects of our life together. Words like "appropriate,"
"assertive," "compassionate," "fair,"
"compromise," and "consultative" were all
helpful terms for negotiating our relationship-but
they were all coming out of my
mouth-arid they were flooding the place.
Why was this happening? It was happening
because I was good at it. I'd been practicing
since the day I'd read the sign on the kindergarten
wall that stated in no uncertain terms
that girls were made of "sugar and spice and
everything nice." Before the year was out, my
kinder girl friends and I had already started a
dub to save the bugs that the "mean" boys had
wounded. It was our job to understand how
the bugs felt-we were the girls. Practicing the
language of emotion, compassion, and connection
was not only expected of us, it was our
responsibility; we were in training to hold families
together. While the boys were doing the
bug squashing that was expected of them, we
were busy squishing our substantial power into
the language of relationships.
Apparently, now that kindergarten was
over, my husband was trying to let me know
that my rapid-fire ability to define and shape
our emotional landscape with words was interfering
with his ability to define it for himself.
As much as I hated to admit it, if my husband
was calling me sexist-it was probably a fair
call.
Now for the Hard Part
Nothing is true for everyone-all the time.
Some women are terrible at expressing their
feelings and some men are wonderful at it.
However, if there is a general pattern of men
and women "squishing" our power into gender-acceptable
"inner" and "outer" domains,
8
Voice Male

what will help us find a better balance?
It's a tough question. If we want to shift
the balance of gender power, not only do
men have to loosen their grip on the political
and economic world-including definitions
of the terms-we women have to be
willing to loosen our grip on verbally
exploring and mapping the emotional landscape
between people. How can we do this?
Well, these days my husband attends a
men's group where he talks about his experiences
and builds close relationships-9n
his own terms. What does he say there? Is
he finding the best words? I have no idea.
That's why it's so important that he goesand
I don't.
Things are also different at horne now.
And since my husband and I are both family
counselors, we }lave a habit of offering our
experience to others. Here are a few tripletested
suggestions for learning to share the
emotional word-space in your relationship
(see sidebar at right) .
Following these suggestions may prove
to have a powerful effect on the terms of
your relationship. What I notice is that my
definitions of relationship issues no longer
cancel my husband's out-he's got his own
words for what's going on and he's not
afraid to use them. You might think this creates
more conflict in our relationship but it
doesn't.
Just as women who "make it" in business
often bring a fresh perspective to the
maledominated world of commerce, men
who learn to speak the language of the h'eart
have a lot to teach women about how to
love the people we love-without losing
ourselves.
Taking the time to listen and value my
husband's experience of the relational world
has not weakened my perspective as a feminist-only
expanded it. I may be a lone
voice on the way to the feminist forum, but,
l suspect that women will never really be
free to express their collective power in the
world until men are free to express the collective
contents of their hearts-and vice
versa. So take a load off, feminist sisters.
Sharing the power of the emotional domain
is a lot like getting help with the dirty laundry-it
frees you up to do other things.
Willow Brocke is a counselor, writer, mother,
and graduate student who lives in
Summerland, British Columbia. This article is
reprinted with permission from Synchronicity:
The Magazine, PO Box 63118, RPO West
Hillhurst, Calgary AB T2N 455 Canada.
YCHOSYNTHEStS
spiritual psychology
for a new millennium
®-Two year certification program in holistic counseling
® Month~ weekend format- October 'OJ through june '02
® Designed for Human Service Professionals and students
® Now accepting applications
® loin us for our twcn~·second consecutive
® Ct:Us available
Free Introductory. Even
Friday. September 14, 7:00-8:30pm
The Synthesis Center
Fall2001
9

Men in an Age of Innocence
Photos of 19th-Century Male Friendships
Edited by David Deitcher
W
en we think of American manhood in
he 19th century, images of frontiersmen,
cowboys, rotund tycoons, and
rawboned urban 'workingmen may come to mind.
But a new book of photographs depicting male
friendships from that time casts our notions of
early American masculinity in another, quite different
light.
In Dear Friends: American Photographs of Men
Together, 1840-1918 (Abrams, $35.00), art historian
David Deitcher has brought together more than
100 rare photographs commemorating male friendships
from this era. Drawing on daguerreotypes,
tintypes, early postcards, and ambrotypes from
public and private collections, the book vividly
portrays the common practice among 19th-century
American men of commemorating their friendships
with a visit to the local photographer. In so doing,
it sheds new light on our perhaps misconceived
ideas about male physical intimacy during these
decades.
On the News Hour with jim Lehrer, Richard
Rodriguez called these photographs "most effective
Subjects unknown, c.l910. Photographer unknown. Inscription in the negative reads: "#28.
Cowboy 'Dance Stag'." Postmarked on verso: "WinnerS. Dak., Oct. 20, lilleg.l."
Collection of Henry Weintraub.
Left: Subjects unknown,
c.l885. Photographer
unknown. Collection of
Herbert Mitchell.
Right: Subjects unknown,
c.l870. Photographer
unknown. Collection of
Henry Weintraub.
10
Voice Male

Subjects unknown, c.l907. Photographer unknown. Inscription
reads: "Have not received an answer yetljust foolish
picture lOne in return please. 'C." Posnnarked on verso: "Ford
(?) City, April13 PM 1907." Collection of Peter Miller.
and unsettling," adding, "l dare anyone,
homosexual or heterosexual, to tell me
exactly what these photographs mean."
Indeed, the book's author, who teaches at
Cooper Union in New York City, notes that
in the late Victorian period, far from being
physically inhibited, as we might suppose,
men commonly established intimate, even
passionate relationships with other men.
They "posed for photographers holding
hands, entwining limbs, or resting in the
shelter of each other's accommodating bodies,
innocent of the suspicion that such
behavior would later arouse." Yet while such
photographs have long been collected by gay
men, Deitcher reminds us that they remain
essentially mysterious or ambiguous in
meaning: "they are powerless to communicate
anything more than the following: This
is how these men looked on that day when
they sat for the photographer."
On these pages are selections from the
book. For more information on Dear Friends:
American Photographs of Men Together,
1840-1918, contact Harry N. Abrams, Inc.,
100 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. lOOll,
(212) 206-7715.
Fall2001 11

Voices of Youth ----------------------By Antonio Lewis
.Young Men of Color Speaking Out
Since last spring a group of young men
of color, including me, has been
meeting at the Men's Resource Center
(MRC) having free-ranging conversations
about our place in contemporary society.
For a couple of hours each week, over
pizza, we get to know one another and
take a hard look at important issues surrounding
our emerging masculinity. We
named our group the Taking Action
Committee (TAC) .
Led by MRC youth programs coordinator
Jeff Harris, TAC is part of the men's
center's broader set of youth programs.
Since starting up, we've organized a picnic
attended by 60 younger and older men of
color, and a leadership forum where
younger and older men carne together to
talk about men's lives, manhood, and
political and social change.
I see TAC as a place where young men
of color can have in-depth discussions
about racism and prejudice. We get together
on Wednesday afternoons in a big living
room at the MRC offices. We're a mix of
high school students from Amherst
Regional High School who live at the A
Better Chance (ABC) House in Amherst,
and college students from the University
of Massachusetts. We talk about major
issues that affect and reflect our position
as young men of color in society.
TAC discusses ways to break racial barriers
and to uncover better ways of dealing
with them. Some of the topics we've taken
up include "What It Means to Be on a
Journey to Healthy Manhood" and "How
Leadership Can Help Young Men of Color
Deal with Oppression." The group offers
techniques and collaborative ideas that can
actually be used in real-life situations. TAC
is also a time set apart from everyday life
where we, as young men of color, can talk
about our feelings and interpretations of
life. My first experiences of the group were
about getting to know new people who
were going through the same things, dealing
with the same problems I was dealing
with and had gone through my whole life.
Negative generalizations regarding people
of color have been deeply imbedded in
American society. The Taking Action
Committee is a program that challenges
these negative generalizations and, in this
way, tries to rebuild America's foundations.
The group enables young people of color to
witness real, older role models who aren't
afraid to talk about important issues normally
hidden in the outskirts of society.
TAC is an elaborate venting session of sorts
that can reduce the everyday stresses that
have unhealthy effects on our lives. Racism
is a way of life in America, and to us as
adolescents TAC represents hope in continuing
the struggle against it.
From the beginning, my impressions of
the group were positive because, for the
first time, I was able to witness young men
of color speaking as though there were no
constraints. It was as though we were in a
different world, or even a bubble, not caring
what might happen if we really
addressed how we feel. My impression of
those college students actually giving back
to us younger men was good, because they
had not forgotten that they were once in
our same position. Our group felt like a
tight-knit family, even from the first session.
We vented-some of us for the first timeabout
problems we all faced and we all
shared.
It was extremely valuable to participate
in this group, because so rarely do people
of color come together to talk about the
issues that stress us every day. Sometimes
we do not even realize what the p~oblerns
are, so they pass us by without our having
the opportunity to resolve them. I feel it is
very important for me to continue in TAC,
because the group enables people of color
to take time to talk about what we actually
live.
It seems as though we take time for
everything else in life, even if it does not
affect our future, so I feel that it is our
obligation and,
even more, to
our benefit, to
take time once a
week to talk
about issues and
problems that
have affected us
since birth.
Having discussions
on topics
appealing to us
allows us to distribute
our knowledge to one another, so
that each of us becomes a teacher, as well as
a learner.
To people of color of all ages, I would
strongly recommend corning to meetings
like those in TAC. I have found them to be
extremely enlightening sessions that have
changed, supported, and strengthened my
own views about racism, prejudice, and,
overall, society's perceptions of people of
color. For me, the benefits became immediately
apparent.
I first found out about the Taking Action
Committee from my father and, later on,
the details were filled in by one of my
friends. He had told me that there were
incentives to joining the program, such as
money and food. I have to say that one
hour into the discussions my original
motive for going-the "incentives"-had
changed. My motivation and goal had now
become to teach others and to make sure
others knew they had an ear to tell their
stories to. As soon as I and others felt this
satisfaction of listening, and being heard,
future attendance was not an issue. Every
group member was present on a consistent
basis, making TAC overall a strong and lasting
program. I'm glad the group has started
up again so I'll be able to talk about real-life
issues with other young men of color. I
hope more young men of color will join us.
Antonio Lewis, 17, is a senior at Amherst
(Mass.) Regional High School. For more
information about the Taking Action
Committee of Mens Resource Center youth
programs, contact jeff Harris at ( 413) 253-
9887, Ext. 31, or mrc@valinet.com.
12
Voice Male

The Isolation of Men
Living on an Island
By Michael Burke
No man is an Island," john
Donne famously wrote,
about four centuries ago.
Yet many men have lived as if they
were: on the surface, independent
and self-sufficient; but inside, isolated
and alone. I've been one of
them.
As a volunteer facilitator of the
Men's Resource Center's regular
open men's support group, I'm
always curious about what brings
new men to the group each week.
Often they're propelled by crisisthe
end of a relationship, loss of a
job, a difficult time with a partner-and
they're looking for help
from men who've been through it.
Some are drawn mainly by the
urge to connect with other men.
In both cases, I've heard men admit, "I
have no friends." Or, "I don't have any men
friends-all my friends are women." Or
even, "I'm lonely. There's no one I can talk ..
to. I've been feeling isolated and depressed.
Sadly, these are common themes in men's
stories. I've experienced them myself.
I first noticed my own isolation as a
senior in college. A relationship with a
woman I'd known since high school had
just ended, and in addition to feeling jealousy
(another man was involved) and the
pain of loss, I experienced a sudden emptiness:
the realization that I had no fnends. I
had invested most of my social and emotional
energy in the relationship, and when
that evaporated, I looked around me to see
only a wasteland, denuded of social supports.
I did have a couple of friends going to
school in other places, but I didn't feel comfortable
enough to pick up the phone and
let them know what was going on. My family
was nearby, but I couldn't talk to them
about it. I had coworkers I liked, but I hadn't
seen the need or taken the time to cultivate
them as friends. AbruptJy ·sunk into a
near-suicidal depression, I was living on a
desert island whose stark landscape is familiar
to many men: alone with my thoughts
and my pain, barely able to get up and make
my bed and eat something, let alone leave
my apartment, I had no one I could trust to
share my feelings, no one I could ask: "Am I
crazy? Am I going to be OK?" .
One night, desperate and sad, wantmg
only to make the pain stop hurting, I called
a suicide hotline and spoke to a volunteer,
then went to see a therapist. As I heard
Fall2001
myself talk about taking my own life, it
frightened me, sobered me, and I knew I
couldn't do it. Scratch that off the list.
Somehow I picked myself up--I threw
myself into my final year of college, started
weightlifting and writing poetry, and slowly
began to develop friendships with the
coworkers I hadn't made time for before
(and who'd dismissed me as pompous and
aloof since I wouldn't engage with them).
Some of these relationships were not ideal,
but they met critical needs for me at the
time. I began to recover a sense of who I
was, and to put things back together in my
life.
Flash forward eight years, to 1991.
Married now, with a four-month-old baby, I
had just finished grad school in California
(which I loved) and moved to
Massachusetts (which I hated). I didn't want
to be here, I was cut off from all my gradschool
buddies, I was struggling to learn to
be a father and I was unemployed to boot.
jobs I was qualified for weren't plentiful at
the time, so I began working at home doing
freelance book editing (something I'd done
part-time before), taking care of my daughter
while my wife, then a grad student herself,
was in school.
This was not a role I was prepared for,
and looking back, I can see that I was
dep~essed much of the time. Socially, I had
no supports whatsoever; all the people I .
worked for were just distant voices on the
phone; we had one car, and my big escap~
was to go to the post office to express-mat! a
project. Finally our next-door neighbor
introduc·ed me to a pickup basketball game
that happened twice a week. A good num-
her of regulars showed up, and I came
to really like some of those guys. just
getting out and running around, joking
with other men my age and older,
was incredibly good for me-but I
never got to know any of them as
friends. Most I didn't know beyond
first names, and what they were like
on the court. One day after a game
some of the African-American men sat
down to talk about the churches they
attended; I eavesdropped while cooling
down, fascinated, as they talked
not about religion, but about fellowship.
They sought out churches where
they felt welcomed and comfortablewhere
they found community. They
knew something important, some-
Justin Freed l k f
thing I had yet to oo or.
It took me over four years, and another
crisis to realize that I needed to connect
with ~en in a real way: My wife and I had
another child, but instead of cementing our
relationship it seemed to threaten its very
existence. Once again I was depressed, but I
didn't know it. I was isolated, but only
dimly aware; someone else (a female friend)
had to tell me, and a couples' counselor
(also a woman) fortunately gave me the
phone number for a drop-in men's group.
After a few weeks of dithering, I finally got
up the courage to go.
That group--the MRC's Sunday night
group in Amherst-was a catalyst for me to
change my life, and it proba~ly went a lo~~
way toward saving my marnage (though Its
important to note that relationships don't
get "fixed" in men's groups). I became a regular
participant, going back week after
week and since 1997 I've been a volunteer
facili~ator. Getting involved with the MRC
in that and other capacities has helped me
connect with other men who, like me, are
also struggling with isolation, friendship,
fatherhood, sexuality; relationships, work,
and the like. Identifying and dealing with
my depression, a recurring theme in my life,
has helped me to know myself, and to practice
self-care. I have good and understanding
friends now whom I trust, with whom I
can share and be myself, and among whom I
feel relaxed and whole. Some of them struggle
with depression and isolati~n too, so
even when we're in the grip of It, we can
often talk about it honestly and feel better.
End of story? Have I "beate1;1" isolation
and depression? It's always a temptation,
especially when I'm acting in the role of
continued on page 22
13

-------------------By Jeff Harris
A Hometown Challenge to Racism
W
hat year is it, 2001 or 1971? What
makes me ask this question?
Recently, a man I've known since
I was a youth in my hometown of Amherst,
Mass. (where the Men's Resource Center is
headquartered), had a rock thrown through
the window of his typewriter and computerbusiness.
KKK was typed on display
machines in front of the store. When that
happened, it made me think of my father's
attempts to start his own business in
Amherst in the 1970s. It was the time of the
Vietnam War, Watergate, racial problems,
and only one black-owned business in the
area-that I knew of-my father's.
My father was Fred Harris, and he owned
and operated Amherst Bowling Alley on the
main street in town. I was so proud of him!
I was ten years old and my father trusted me
to help run the alley while he took on a second
job to make ends meet. We had no real
support from our extended family, or from
the financial community. The biggest problem
we faced was not owning the building
that housed the bowling alley, which, unfortunately,
was for sale. My dad approached
every bank in the Amherst-Northampton
area for financial help to acquire the building
but everywhere he turned he was rejected.
We thought a bowling alley in a community
with three colleges would be seen as a
gold mine of an idea. We were disappointed
that the financial community did not agree.
Someone encouraged Dad to try nearby
Springfield. Happily, the second bank he
approached there gave him the loan. Once
he received it, though, the owner of the
building decided to sell to someone else.
My father was heartbroken. So was I. Dad
had received 17 "no's" before the bank in
Springfield accepted his application. It felt
' like there was a conspiracy against us.
The 1970s were a special time for me. It
was my father and me against the world!
With the struggles of minorities, the liberating
anthems of the sixties calling for equality
and peace, I thought it was only a matter
of time before other minorities in Amherst ·
would try to start their own businesses. I
thought my father's efforts would, in a small
way, help pave the road for others. But 30
years later, as I walk the streets of Amherst it
feels like not much has changed. I look at
the storefronts and it saddens me that you
can count the number of black-owned businesses
on one hand.
The question that plagues me is, Why
hasn't it changed? What keeps minorities
from flourishing? Is it white racism, classism,
and domination, or is it the black slav-
ery mentality, the effect of 400 years of
oppression? Both sides could argue that the
past is the past and people need to move on.
I do not agree. The sins and the successes
of the ancestors will and do come back to
haunt or help future generations. Think
about it! If physical and mental abuse is
passed down from one generation to the
next, how much harder will it be to eliminate
the views and opinions of an entire
nation? For black Americans, 400 years of
being told you are worth nothing, coupled
with family divisions and a lack of generational
wealth, leaves a deep scar on the spirit.
For whites, 400 years of totally controlling
another group, and generations of accumulated
wealth, invite feelings of great confidence
and a desire to keep things as they
are.
When the man I'd known as a boy,
Robert Green, had his store vandalized I was
outraged. But at the same time, I was proud
to work at the Men's Resource Center
because it took a leadership role in the community's
response to the attack, including
helping to organize a rally to show support
for Mr. Green and his family. A few hundred
people attended a moving rally on the town
common, which was great. But I was disappointed
that only a handful of blacks came
out in support. I was pleased there were
many representatives from the Amherst
business community, but the fact that my
people did not show their support bothered
me. 1 went home burdened by the day's
events. Feelings ran deep; something had
hit a nerve. As I rocked my daughter. to
sleep that night, I tried to put my finger on
what had really happened that day. I talked
with my wife, and to God, trying to put closure
on what for me had been a hard day.
put of what happened .I was inspired to
try to make a difference in Amherst. I was
fortunate to be able to be part of a team that
began planning a
gathering we called a
Men of Color
Leadership Forum.
The group would be
an opportunity for
young men of color
to come together
with older men of
color to learn from
their experiences and
to benefit from their .
wisdom. The idea of the forum would be to
help young minority men develop into
strong, healthy men, to grow to become
good husbands and fathers-leaders of
tomorrow.
I was so elated that it was hard to pace
myself. I made phone calls, sent out mailers,
and called all of my old friends to invite
them to the gathering. Finally the day
arrived. Much to my surprise and disappointment
only four people showed up. Out
of 60 invitations only four people showed
up! The same feeling I had at the rally came
rushing back. "Where is the black support
in this town? "
I grew up here. My mother and grandmother
were born in this area. I know
almost every black family that lives in the
area. Why is it so hard to get minorities to
support minorities? What is it? We survived
the slave ships, kept our spirits alive
through centuries of bondage, and rallied
and fought together after slavery for the
same rights and privileges as whites.
Do people feel the fight is over? Did the
dream really die with Martin Luther King
and Malcolm X? I can assure you it did not.
I am more committed to making change
than ever before. I am proud to be working
at the Men's Resource Center coordinating
youth groups and services. It's a challenge I
love to face every day. The future looms
bright because I know there are people out
there, young and older, who want to see
· things change for the better. I challenge all
of you reading these words to get involved,
to stop saying how bad things are without
trying to make a difference· to improve
things yourselves. This article began with
the question, Is it 1971 or 2001? When it
comes to identifying progress in challenging
racism, it's up to each of us to say what year
it really is.
jeff Harris is director of youth programs at
the Mens Resource Center and the father of
two daughters .
14
Voice Male

Book Review---------------------- By Mark Ribble .
Your Gender Is ... a) Male b) Female c) Neither d) Yes!
What do you call "a fanatical cult,
demanding blind obedience to
mostly unwritten, unagreedupon
rules, regulations, and qualifications"?
.If you guessed GENDER (or even
if you didn't), you should check out Kate
Bomstein's Gender Outlaw: On Men,
Women, and the Rest of Us. But don't
expect an angry rant, a vanguardist political
exhortation, or a dry cultural examination.
Rather, Bornstein takes up the question
of gender and gender transgression in
a playful, hopeful, and democratic way,
without sacrificing the deadly serious
nature of her inquiry or the very serious
consequences of both adhering to and
transgressing gender.
Within the pages of Gender Outlaw
you'll find a smorgasbord of styles, topics,
and ideas, including chapters on FAQs
about the meaning of transgender and
transsexual; a list of the "rules of gender"
(actually written by a sociologist); deeply
personal reflections on Bornstein's own
history and identity; the details of how
genital reassignment surgery works; fierce
political statements on gender, sexuality,
power, and identity; satirical takes on pop
culture and contemporary politics; and
even the full text of Bornstein's play
Hidden: A Gender.
Throughout, Bornstein weaves together
analysis and narrative in a way that challenges
us to radically rethink the way we
understand gender (yes, even us progressive
feminists and pro-feminists). In a
political arena where much work has been
done on redefining the categories of man
and woman to allow new spaces where
women don't have to be demure bimbos
and men don't have to be domineering
jocks, Bornstein takes a whole different
approach. Instead of redefining the categories,
Bornstein suggests that we get real
and scrap the categories altogether. The
fact is that our cultural and, yes, even our
biological notions of gender are upheld by
human regulatory practices that (often violently)
force us into one box or the other.
And while feminists and pro-feminists
argue that consent is the most important
aspect of nearly all human interaction, we
overlook the fact that gender itself is not
consensual. We are given no choice and
few routes of escape.
Bornstein also contests the idea that
we'll eventually be able to break down our
cultural hang-ups on gender roles, so that
men and women can have both "masculine"
and "feminine" attributes and that all
power· differentials between the two genders
will eventually be broken down.
"Gender implies class," Bornstein argues,
"and class presupposes inequality. Fight
rather for the deconstruction of gender"­
it would bring equality much faster than
fighting for equality between natural genders.
But Bornstein never gets metaphysical
or argues that gender is all in our heads.
Having lived life passing as both man and
woman at various times (as well as plenty
of time not quite passing as either),
Bomstein can all too well attest to the very
real effects of gendered life. She writes,
"The differences in the way men and
women are treated are real. And the fact is
this difference in treatment has no basis in
the differences between men and women.
I was the same person, and I was treated
entirely differently. I got real interested in
feminist theory-real fast."
Her personal reflections, as well as her
political analysis, always focus on how
power is gendered, and she has a special
insight into male privilege. "It took my
becoming a woman to discover my 'male
behavior'-that is, exhibiting male privilege,"
she writes. '"Male privilege' is
assuming one has the right to occupy any
space or person by whatever means, with
or without permission. It's a sense of entitlement
that is unique to those who have
been raised male
in most cultures . .
. Male privilege is,
in a word, violence."
You'll have
to pick up the
book yourself to
read all about
Bornstein's
encounter with
male privilege during
her gender
transition, male
privilege among male-to-female transsexuals,
and the detailed understanding she
developed while she began to concurrently
lose and to give up the male privilege she
once blindly enjoyed.
Even if you vehemently disagree with
Bornstein's perspective or analysis, this
book is worth reading, if for nothing more
than the exposure to a set of ideas so at
odds with most popular discourse.
Bornstein would never see this book as an
end point, but rather a starting point for
discussion of gender that isn't afraid to
challenge the sacred tenets of both mainstream
and progressive groups. In her
refusal to let us get away with taking gender
as natural or inevitable, she forces us
to be more honest with ourselves, even if
that might mean questioning our basic
frameworks of gender and power.
And if you've a brave soul, check out
Bornstein's My Gender Workbook
(Routledge, 1998), which will take you on
an interactive personal journey through
your own experience of gender through a
series of questions and exercises. Well
worth it if you're willing to do some hard
looking, but not for the faint of heart!
Mark Ribble is a volunteer at the Mens
Resource Center and the Everywomans
Center at the University of Massachusetts .
He formally coordinated the Activist Mens
Network for the MRC. He will graduate from
Hampshire College in the spring.
Fall 2001
15

Gay & Bisexual Voices ---------------- By Michael Greenebaum
nes
Gay & Queer: What's in a Name?
I
recently attended my (shudder) fiftieth
high school reunion. It was good to see
old friends, but it was strange to be
"Mike" once again. "Mike" was a high
school and college kid; somewhere along
the line he became "Michael," more formal,
more distant, more inward. Mike was out
there, friendly, social. Michael is private.
Mike was clueless; Michael has a clue.
Mike was sexless; Michael is queer.
Was Mike queer, too? Not possible;
queer didn't exist in the forties. Neither
did "gay," for that matter. In the forties,
those people (we?) were fairies or pansies.
Those people walked with mincing gait,
wore pink shirts, flitted about on
Thursdays. And, of course, Mike did none
of those things. It was not that girls, those
formidable and exotic creatures, exerted
any sexual attraction on Mike. He loved
girls; he could talk about art and music
and religion and world government with
them. Girls had ideas, at least the girls
who were his friends did. Boys exercised
no sexual attraction on Mike, either. Mike
solved the problem of sex by having none
of it.
This little excursion into autobiography
is really leading up to the question: What if
the term "queer" had existed in the forties?
What, even, if "gay" had been in use then?
What, in other words, might have been the
difference for me if affirmative, gutsy
names for the confusing, alluring yearnings
I suppressed had been available?
"Gay" has an equivocal history, and
some straight people express regret that its
original meaning of frivolous and weightless
joy is no longer availaple to them. But
that transformation is complete, and "gay"
is now weighted with tremendous irony.
Happiness and sadness se~m \rreparably
linked by this label of choice. Being gay is
both a burden and a joy; but then, so is life
for most people. Burdens and joys are distributed
without regard to sexual preference
or sexual orientation. "Gay" and
"straight" have become ways people
describe themselves, without much emotional
content or commitment. One does
not seem to be affirming much of anything
by claiming either of them.
That is why, for some gay men, the term
seems a bit pallid in a society still cursed
with individual and institutional homopho-
bia. To be sure, sometimes we want to
remind everyone that we are part of the
human family, that orientation towards or
preference for same-sex partners is parallel
to orientation. towards or preference for
opposite sex partners. In these cases, "gay"
is a convenient and often acceptable label.
But sometimes, we (or at least some) want
to be more assertive and affirming about
our essential identities. We want to claim
that just those things our haters use against
us are the very things we assert and affirm.
Our sexuality is sometimes just one of
those things, but at other times it is the
central thing. For many, "queer" is the
name that captures and identifies what we
want to assert and affirm-that in spite of
grief and oppression our sexuality is a
source of pride and joy, as our local queer
shop reminds us.
"Queer" is a tough, hard-edged, inyour-face
identity. It is still used against us
by those we discomfit. When we transform
it into a positive and affirmative identity,
we are part of a long historical tradition
of oppressed groups who have challenged
their oppressors by appropriating
their labels of hate.
"Queer" has two other distinct virtues,
at least to this queer man. First, it is inclusive.
"Queer" is as much an umbrella as it
is a label. Gay men, lesbians, bisexual men
and women and transsexuals are accommodated
under its sheltering embrace. When
I call myself queer, I am not only making a
statement of identity but also a statement
of affiliation. I am joining a community,
and it is th~ community I prefer. It
includes women, and for me life without
women would
be unfulfilled.
One of the
great joys of
coming to
terms with my
sexuality later
in life is that
at last 1 don't
have to be
afraid of
women; I
don't have to
worry about
being in a false position when I am with
them. I love women and I love being with
them. The queer community includes
women, and hurray for that! It includes
transsexuals, who must be about the most
courageous people I know. It in'cludes
drag queens and drag kings and other variations
on the theme of gender bending.
Thank you to all these queer people for
transforming gender from a fixed to a fluid
and nuanced notion. They have done a
great service to all of us and enriched the
ways we have of being human.
But there is another reason I am queer.
For a number of years I answered to the
label "bisexual." It felt antiseptic and clinical,
but it was all we had. Like "homosexual,"
it seems off-putting, intrusive and
sloppy. "Bisexual" sounds like it is drawn
from one of those huge medical tomes. It
makes me feel like a scientific object, an
example of a condition. "Bisexual" is
intrusive since it implies something about
·my sexual activity, which is nobody's business.
"Queer" suits me fine. Often, when I
call myself queer, people read that as gay.
That's fine; often I feel gay. I love my gay
friends; they are an important part of my
life. But queer is what I am; the queer
community is my community. It is inclusive,
embracing and affirming. Slowly but
surely, Michael is introducing Mike to his
new friends .
Writer-musician Mi chael Greenebaum was
an elementary school principal in Amherst,
. Mass ., for 20 years. He received a Challenge
& Change Award from the Men's Resource
Center in 1999.
16
Voice Male

GBQ Resources
For more information or new entries contact us
at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 mrc@valinet.com
Noon- 2 p.m. last Sunday of each month
September 30
October 28
November 25
The MRC provides bagels, cream cheese, and coffee. Pot-luck dishes are welcome. For Information: 413 253-9887 Allan Arnaboldi, Ext. 10.
MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER
A MALE-POSITIVE. I'RCHEMINIST,
GAY-AFFIRMATIVE,
ANTI-RACIST ORGANIZATION
1J6 H. PLEASANT STREET, AMHERST
Fall2001 ------------------------------------- 17

Fathering --------------------By jeff Kelly Lowenstetn
Fathering Through the Storm
'' wat will he say he's thankful
for?" I asked myself
when my adopted son
approached the front of the line at his first
grade Thanksgiving pageant. A wave of
classmates before him expressed gratitude
for God, family, friends, and their
Pokemon cards. I imagjned Aidan striding
forward and thanking me for being
there.
I held my breath as Aidan sprang to the
microphone and spoke in a loud, firm
voice. "My name is Aidan Kelly, and I am
thankful for animals that fly." Silence,
then a crescendo of approving
laughter filled the room as he
walked toward me.
Afterward, an elderly woman
approached Aidan as we walked
back across the parking lot.
"Aren't you the boy who was
thankful for animals that fly?" she
asked, leaning down to meet his
eyes.
Aidan looked up shyly. "Yes."
"That was a very original
answer. Unique. Happy
Thanksgiving," the woman said,
then walked away.
"See, I told you it was stupid,"
Aidan whispered after he determined
that the woman was out of
earshot.
"It wasn't stupid, Aidan. She
thought it was a great answer. She loved
it. I did, too. And I love you, buddy boy," I
said, giving him a quick tickle in the ribs
and taking his hand in mine.
"Thanks, Daddy," he answered, looking
up at me as I opened the doors and we
assumed our seats in my car. I froze, seatbelt
in hand. Daddy: I'm still not used to
that word. As his stepfather, am ~ really
his "daddy"? For me, the word conjures
up so many conflicting images. My
thoughts flash back uneasily to my father's
physical and emotional absence during my
childhood. To the years I labored in therapy
to understand Dad's experience of
being sent, at age five, from Germany to
England to escape Hitler. Though I wanted
desperately to respond to Aidan, I said
nothing. We started driving home. A
cloud of silence gathered like an
approaching storm.
The storm cloud broke in the evening.
The two of us were playing Monopoly on
the living room floor after dinner, buying
and selling properties with abandon. After
multiple trades, Aidan owned three
monopolies, while two belonged to me.
Aidan rolled the dice, counted out the
spaces, and realized that he had landed on
Park Place.
"That will be $1,700, please," I said.
"Thank you so much for visiting our
humble hotel. We hope you come again."
I was surprised to hear myself mouth the
same cheerful phrases Dad had used with
The author and his son Aidan Kelly Lowenstein.
me when I was Aidan's age.
"$1,700?! Why you ... " Smiling broadly,
he reached across the board and
slapped me on the back of my head.
I knew that he hadn't meant to hurt
me, but the blow stung, then pulsed like a
fresh bee sting. I wheeled on him. "Aidan,
what are you doing?" My voice was rising.
"You don't hit people. You just don't do
it!" I yelled, jabbing my finger in his face.
"Now apologize!"
Tiny ringlets of water sprung up
around the edges of his widened eyes.
"No. It was your fault. The hotel cost too
much. It's not fair," he said, folding his
-arms and getting to his feet.
I wanted to calm myself, but his words
had the effect of picadors stabbing an
angry bull. "Come on, .Aidan," I hissed,
feeling my whole purpose in life shrink
into extracting the words "I'm sorry" from
him. "Don't try to put it on anything else.
You hit me. You were. wrong. Now just
apologize and move on."
His tears flowed as he sped up the'
stairs. "No, I won't!" he screamed. "I hate
you and I never want to see you again!"
He brushed by his mother, who had heard
the commotion, slammed his bedroom
door, and turned the lock.
I left the apartment and started speedwalking
around the nearby park. I slowed
my pace and my anger subsided. Shame
spread through me as I replayed the scene
in my head over and over again, hoping
each time for a different ending.'
I felt that special pain
reserved for those of us who vow
we will treat our kids differently,
only to find ourselves acting in
exactly the same ways our parents
did. My brothers and I had
dubbed my father "Time Bomb
Eddie" for his hair-trigger temper,
which would erupt spontaneously,
like a volcano. I had
sworn many times that I would
never yell at my children.
I opened the door slowly,
walked upstairs and found Aidan
asleep. His mother had coaxed
him to bed by reading to him,
then lying down with him until
he stopped squirming. We went
downstairs and plopped down on the
couch. Not looking at each other or
speaking about the fight, we inserted the
film Kolya into the VCR.
Set in the waning days of Soviet-era
Czechoslovakia, the movie revolves
around Kolya, a five-year-old Russian boy
abandoned by his mother and placed on
the doorstep of a middle-aged Czech
musician who lives alone. Dressed in a
suit, with a runny nose and rivulets of
tears streaming down his face, Kolya
stares at the floor, unable to utter a word
to his reluctant guardian.
"That's how old your father was when
he left Germany," Aidan's mother said.
My chest tightened, and my long-held
definition of my father flared up like an
inflamed tendon. I started to tell her that
she did not understand, that she could not
18
Voice Male

know how little I had received from
Dad. But she spoke the truth. I stayed
up for a long time afterward, thinking
about what she'd said.
The next morning Aidan climbed
into our bed and wrapped himself
around his mother. His blue-green eyes
proclaimed, "Mine. I got here first.
Don't get any ideas about taking her
away." I smiled at him, and said little.
"jeff, do you want to have a Lego
war?" he finally asked.
"Sure. Let's go," I replied, steeling
myself to accept my 42nd consecutive
defeat with equanimity. We walked
down to the living room, where Aidan
folded his left leg underneath him in his
customary crouch, and assembled his
fleet of Legos at a dizzying clip.
"Hey, Aidan."
"What," he answered flatly, not looking
up from his ship.
I swallowed. "I'm sorry I got mad and
yelled at you last night. You were wrong
to hit me, but I shouldn't have lost my
temper."
"Uh-huh." He kept working.
Fifteen minutes later, he placed his
king, an intricate structure with impenetrable
laser shields and unimaginable
firepower, to one side and approached
me.
"Daddy," he said, snuggling impossibly
close, his wiry arms reaching around
my stomach and meeting in the back.
"I love you, bud."
"Not 'buddy.' Say 'son."'
I felt the freeze again, but also something
calm and soothing. I paused for a
minute, aware of the Rubicon I had
already crossed in my heart and was
about to name. "I love you, son," I said
softly.
"Call me Aidan." Quietly.
"I love yqu, Aidan."
"No. Call me 'Aidan, my son."' More
of a command this time.
"I· love you, Aidan, my son."
"No. Call.me 'my ~on Aidan.'"
I suppressed a giggle.. "I love you,
my son Aidan." ·
"Actually, just call me Aidan. I love
you, too, Daddy. Now get off of me."
He extricated himself from my embrace,
and finished creating the king that
would single-handedly annihilate my .
squad.
jeff Kelly Lowenstein _is a freelance
writer living in Easthampton, Mass.
Fall2001
losing My Voice
Until my senior year in college, I
had never lost my voice. Sure,
sometimes I got hoarse, and
sometimes I didn't feel much like talking
(that may be hard for some of you to
believe), but somehow my voice was always
there when I wanted to say something.
That changed in a rather amusing way
during my final semester of college. It was
during the first few weeks of classes, and I
was taking my first women's studies class.
We had to write a short reflection paper
about our voices (I don't really remember
the assignment exactly), and I had written
what I thought was a good piece, recognizing
the power and privilege that I had
grown up with in using my voice. We were
expected to present what-we had written to
the class, but I woke up that morning andfor
the first time in my life-! had absolutely
no voice.
It wasn't just a case of ha~ing to shout to
be heard or it hurting when I talked; no
matter how hard I
tried, I couldn't even
get a decent whisper
going. This wasn't
completely out of the
blue-! had been feeling
pretty lousy-but
it was certainly
unprecedented, not
to mention rather
poetic, given the
paper I was supposed
to present.
I'd like to think that my subconscious is
more su,btle than this usually, but this case
doesn't seem to call for much education to
identify the psychological processes going
on here. I struggled through the presentation,
with much laughter and amusement
from my classmates, and I was fine again
within a few days. At the same time,
though, I feel like I learned a valuable lesson.
I had heard of the idea that men are
generally rewarded for and encouraged to
participate in class while women are punished
for and ignored when trying to speak
up-even in classes with feminist teachersbut
I had never really imagined that I was
· part of that process, despite the fact that I
have always been the most outspoken person
in any dass I took. I just had a lot to
by Patrick Lemmon
say, right? I
wasn't really
preventing others
from speaking-in
fact,
couldn't it be
said that I was
encouraging
them to speak
by offering
provocative and
interesting comments
for them
to respond to?
Anyway, I noticed during that class that
many more people-particularly the womenspoke
when I wasn't saying anything, and I
also realized that they had a lot of really
interesting and even provocative things to
say. I paid much more attention to how
much I talked in that class for the rest of
the semester, and it was amazing how often
by simply giving myself a second before
shooting my hand in
the air, I could know
that my ideas weren't
always all that interesting,
and that someone
else often-dare I say
usually?-had something
even more enlightening
to offer if I wasn't taking
up space.
I would like to say
that I learned to respect
silence and to pay more
attention to other people's voices through
that experience, but this is not a fairy tale.
I still struggle to accept the idea that what I
have to S11Y may not be the most important
thing in the world for everyone to hear. But
I di~ _hear a lot of voices that I might not
have heard that day, and I know that I
would regret it if I played a part in silencing
them once again.
Patrick Lemmon is co-director of Men Can
Stop Rape (MCSR), a Washington, D.C.
based organization providing trainings and
workshops in metropolitan Washington and
elsewhere around the U.S. For more information
contact MCSR at pmcgann@
mencanstoprape.orgl; (202) 265-6530; or
www.mencanstoprape.org/.
19

Men & Health ----------------------By Joe Zoske
Meditation: It's Not What You Think
W
e live in a noisy society. And
it's getting worse. Decibel-level
studies tell us that, as does our
common sense. The machinery and technology
of the modern world surround us,
assault our senses, permeate our every
waking moment. Our brains seem to be
permanently "online," connected to a
constant flow of external information and
sound.
Our culture has an aversion to silence.
Even the remote wilderness. is no longer a
safe haven from beepers, radios, or cell
phone chatter: All this noise has the effect
of keeping us from hearing ourselveswhat
the Quakers call "the still small
voice within."
It is challenging to take time for
conscious reflection, especially in a
fast-paced, impatient society that
encourages us to do rather than to be,
to value our things more than ourselves,
to worry about the future while
missing the significance of the present.
How can we possibly foster a healthy
male spirit, if we do not experience
quiet, and the opportunity to check in
with ourselves? Meditation offers such
a method to still the mind, and to discover
the benefits of regular inner
silence.
The concept of meditation is very simple,
the techniques of meditation very
straightforward. The practice of meditation
can be very challenging.
Fundamentally, meditation means
focusing our attention upon ourselves in
a relaxed, nonjudgmental manner.
Noticing how we truly are in that
moment, and allowing that calm awareness
to guide us in our actions. Often, it
begins with sitting quietly and simply
watching one's breath for a few minutes,
stilling the mind and the body. In time,
we learn to observe the stream of
thoughts flowing through our mind.
lessening our grasp on unhelpful, habitual
ways of thinking and being more aware
in each moment, we can better adapt to
the constant change life brings.
Meditation is multi-level. It can serve
us as a tool, a process, or·a lifestyle. Its
benefits can be relaxation, a reduction in
stress symptoms, and an increase in selfawareness.
ft can help us cope with significant
moments in our lives. We also
gain the opportunity to learn about ourselves,
and to make choices that reflect
more of who we truly are.
What can men specifically gain from
meditation? First, experiencing restful
alertness helps reawaken the intuitive self,
which men so often are taught to set aside
in deference to logic. Second, it fosters a
nurturing relationship to our mind and
body, which contradicts the outward daring
men so often live. Third, the practice
of contemplation helps forge a sense of
discipline, a grounding for those who are
overly confused or restless in their lives.
Meditation is particularly male-compatible
because it is simple (though not
easy); it is a private experience (no risk of
public exposure or shame); it keeps us in
control of ourselves; it is pragmatic (low
cost, portable, no special abilities, etc.);
and it requires no competition. In short,
meditation provides men with a sanctuary
from many sources of suffering, and offers
a training ground to explore deep masculinity
and humanness.
Cautions are few. Some men are
uncomfortable at closing their eyes (that's
okay, it's not a requirement). Some men
fall asleep (an important realization of
how fatigued we might be, or how ·burdened
we are). Some men turn meditation
practice into work (again, it's about being,
not doing). Some men become unsettled
by the awakening to their inner experience,
unaccustomed to noticing the workings
of their mind.
like exercise, however, if we don't like
what we're doing, can't stick with a routine,
or if it doesn't
suit our body or
interests, there are
many others from
which to choose.
The best exercise is
the one we will do,
the one we enjoy,
the one that brings /
us the benefits we
seek. Meditation is the same way.
Pick a technique that is right for you.
Books provide private and personal guidance
that can be helpful to beginners.
Popular authors who write in very accessible
ways include Thich Nhat Hanh, Jon
Kabat Zinn, and Jack Kornfield. Cassette
and video programs are as close as the
public library. Classes are available in
locations such as a local Y, school, or
community center. Meditation training
· centers exist throughout the Northeast,
an.d some religious-based meditation
may be offered through one's house of
worship.
If someone is consistently in a more
extreme emotional state (very anxious
or depressed) .or lives with a psychiatric
condition, then caution is warranted.
Finding a skilled teacher would then be
advisable.
There's no time like the present to
begin. So, take a deep breath and let it
out with a sigh. Breathe naturally and let
your body relax a little. Breathe naturally
and notice where your mind is. Don't
judge anything. Just smile. In this stillness
ask yourself, "In the very next
moments of this day, what do I really
need to do?"
As you try meditation, remember: Be
open to new insights. Remain patient and
humble as you learn and practice. Enjoy
the process of self-discovery. It is your
mind, your thoughts, your life .. . and that
is all truly wonderful.
Voice Male m e n~ health columnist Joe
Zaske is an administrator in the social work
program at Siena College in New York, and
a me n~ health consultant based in Albany.
Responses to his columns are welcome and
can be made to zoskej@crisny.org.
20
Voice Male

Notes from Survivors
Healing from Sexual Addiction
By Louis Castagno
The article "Pornography's
Manipulation of Men," by
Anonymous (Voice Male , Spring
2001), written by a woman whose marriage
had ended due to the addiction of
her ex-husband to pornography and other
destructive sexual behaviors, touched me
deeply. Why? Because for 40 years, I was
nearly a carbon copy of her husband.
The main difference between his sexual
fantasies and mine is that in mine, I was
the willing "victim" of powerful, seductive,
sexually dominant women, experiencing
pleasure, pain, and humiliation
sequentially or simultaneously. In order to
gratify my addictive cravings, I utilized
both "female domination" pornography
(photos, stories, etc.) and the services,
paid or freely given, of women who
offered to act out my fantasies with me.
While on one hand I have always
abhorred violence against women in any
form, today I am aware that I supported
such violence by using women, in fantasy
or in reality, as objects for my sexual
desires rather than full-fledged humans
with feelings, hopes, dreams, skills, and
intelligence. This behavior degraded all
of us, whether we were known to each
· other or not.
I was also moved by the recent murder
of a young male-to-female transgendered
man not far from where I live.
Following years of persecution, harassment,
and abuse from other students in
school, he was brutally beaten and left to
die by another man his age. After the
murder, the assailant boasted to male
friends that he had "beaten up a fag, "
which resulted in his arrest. While the
laws of this state do not consider attacks
based upon sexual or gender orientation
"hate crimes," it is clear that it was hate
and fear that fueled the killing of this
young man.
Although I never knew the victim, I
feel a strong connection with him, for I
have been partially transgendered all my
life. As a boy, my failure to conform to the
attitudes and behaviors stereotypically
considered "masculine" resulted in much
bullying from other boys. While I never
reached the point of actual surgical gender
reassignment, my strong identification
with femininity led me to strongly consider
reassignment at one point. Married,
with a child and a professional career, I
indulged in cross-dressing and, after separation
from my wife, lived part-time as a
woman. Being somewhere near the
halfway point on the gender identification
scale, I have often felt like adding the category
"both" to questionnaires that ask
whether I am male or female.
I felt the need to keep both my sexually
addictive behavior and my transgendered
behavior and identity a secret from
all but a few people in my life. This "double
life" led to the ending of my first marriage,
conflict in the early years of my current
marriage, and the loss of a professional
position when a photo of myself
cross-dressed fell into the wrong hands.
Most of my life was characterized by
lying, hiding, fear, shame, lack of control,
and hopelessness that things would ever
be different. I spent hundreds of hours in
psychotherapy trying to "change," with
few concrete results.
In my early 50s, I began attending
meetings of the 12-step program Sex and
Love Addicts Anonymous. Slowly and
painfully, I was able to pull away from the
destructive sexual behaviors I had pursued
for so many years. As the strength of
my recovery increased, I found a very special
psychotherapist who helped me
recover several repressed memories from
my childhood. The most powerful of
these was of being sexually abused and
assaulted by my mother from early childhood
to my teens. Once the feelings of
rage, devastation, and betrayal that resulted
from recapturing these memories
began to settle down, I was able to understand
how these chlldhood events had
contributed to my dysfunctional sexual
behavior.
As the Serenity Prayer says, I am learning
to accept what I cannot change, and
working up the courage to change what I
can. I accept that I am a survivor of incest
·and have a strong identification with femininity,
but I understand now that these do
not make me "less of a man," as many in
our culture would have us believe. The
work I have done in men's support groups
over the past 25 years has contributed
greatly to this change in perception.
My work has involved helping young
men and women understand the often
dysfunctional process of gender socialization
in our culture, and supporting them
in making choices that are right for them
rather than based on social pressure. I
have been a sexual assault prevention
educator in schools and colleges, working
with young men to help them perceive
women as deserving respect
rather than sexual exploitation.
I agree wholeheartedly with
"Anonymous" that the sexual objectification
of women, whether by the
pornography industry, the media, the
advertising industry, 6r the minds of
individual men and women, severely
distorts oui' relationships in this culture.
Although this mountain is overwhelming
in size, each of us must do our
part to reduce it, rock by rock.
On an individual level, I alone am
responsible for my thoughts and behavior,
no matter how surrounded I may be by
"stimulation." Perhaps I will never be 100
percent successful in converting my inner
sexual landscape to a place of utter beauty,
but I choose each day to replace the
destructive behaviors of my past with
demonstrations of caring and concern for
others as fellow humans. This often difficult
struggle has given me much compassion
for other other men and women who
strive for psychosexual health in an
insane culture. God help us all bring
internal and external peace to a world that
desperately needs it.
Louis Castagno is a writer and educator
in Oie fields of violence prevention and gender
studies.
Fall2001 ---------------------------------------------------------------21

The Isolation of Men
co•1tinued from page 13
gro.up facilitator, to put forth an essentially
positive fac;ade to represent my life-a sort of
Potemkin village that I can whitewash and
pretend is real, and "the whole story": just
don't look behind the walls. At such
moments, I can even delude myself into
thinking that it's an issue only for "those
other guys" wl\o aren't so far along, while I've
moved past it into wholeness.
.But then I have to remind myself not just
how far I've come, but where I've been. I've
been isolated-enduring periods when I was
without friends and without support. I've
been depressed-experiencing times when no
matter what I did I couldn't enjoy it, couldn't
hear the song of life above the hum of negative
chatter going on in my head-and it took
a therapist's diagnosis to make me aware of it,
and to start me working on that problem.
At times I've depended on women-either
my p

MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES
SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS
· Open Men's Group - 7-9 p.m. Sunday evenings at the MRC
Amherst office, Tuesday evenings 7-9 p.m. at 218 State St.,
Northampton. A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk
about their lives and to support each other.
· Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse and Neglect -
Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood
abuse or neglect. 7-8:30 p.m. Friday evenings at the
MRC.
· Gay, Bisexual, & Questioning 7-9 p.m. Monday evenings at the
MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation.
· GBQ Brunch- Last Sunday of the month, Noon- 2 p.m. at
the MRC.
FATHERING PROGRAMS
A variety of resources are available -Fathers and Family
Network monthly workshops, lawyer referrals, parenting guidance,
workshops, educational presentations and conferences.
Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced,
gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/father figures.
YOUTH PROGRAMS
· Radio Active Youth (RAY): Monthly youth radio show on
WMUA (91.1 FM); third Monday each month at 5:30p.m.
Young Men of Color Leadership Project, Amherst
Young Men's Leadership DevelopmenUViolence Prevention, Holyoke &
Northampton.
MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE)
MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both
voluntary and cour.t-mandated men who have been physically
violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies ;~vailable.
· Basic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated
(40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Athol, Ware,
Springfield, and Greenfield.
· Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program
and want to continue in their recovery are available in
Northampton and Amherst.
· Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and
weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the
MOVE program.
· Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire
County jail and House of Corrections.
· Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on
domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are
available.
· Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their
experiences with. others to help prevent family violence are
available to speak at schools and human service programs.
WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING
Available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and
businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and
Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building
Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among
other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available.
PUBLICATIONS
· Voice Male: Published.quarterly, the MRC magazine includes
articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to
men and masculinity
'
· Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men 's Experiences as Known and
Anonymous Sperm Donors, a 60-page manual which answers
the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men
and women "who have been there."
RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES
Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and
national activities, and support programs for men.
Interested In A
Men's Resource Center
Speaker? .
A Workshop or Training?
Contact Carl Erikson at (413) 253-9887
mrc@valinet.com
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
Subscribe Now!
Subscribe to Voice Male and keep informed about the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts and news of changing men . With
your subscription comes news of the MRC, which includes mailings of MRC events and, of course, Voice Male.
YES!
Name: ------------------------------------
Address:
I want to subscribe to Voice
Male and support the MRC.
City: ________ ~-------
State: ____ Zip:
Phone:--------- Email: -----------------
I 0 Other 0$500 0$250 0$100 0$50 0$35 0$18
I $
Basic
Student/
1 ---- Please consider one of these special contributions M~mbe rs hip Limited Income 1
._ ________________________ _______ ....
Mail to: MRC 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, Mass. 01002
1
Fall2001 23
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
1 1

MM:t Resources
Resources lor Gay, Bisexual and Questioning Men
(on page 11}
The American Cancer Society
(413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups,
patient support groups, nutritional supplements,
dressings and supplies, literature, lowcost
housing, and transportation.
Brattleboro Area AIDS Project
(802) 254-4444; free, confidential HIV/AIDS
services, including support, prevention counseling
and volunteer opportunities.
Children's Aid and Family Service
(413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services.
Counseling for individuals, families and
children, with a play therapy room for working
with children. Parent aid program for parents
experiencing stress.
HIV Testing Hotline
(800) 750-2016
Interfaith Community Cot Shelter
582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings)
Overnight shelter for homeless individuals -
123 Hawley St., Northampton. Doors open at
6 PM.
Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
(800) 7 49-6879 Referrals available for 12-step
groups throughout New England.
RESOURCES
TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption
Issues
Education and support services for
adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc.
Support group meetings first Wednesday and
third Sunday of each month. Ann Henry -
(413) 584-6599.
.ll1lm:I1fl Resources
Men's Resource Center of Western
Massathusetts: www.mrc-wma.com
National Men's Resource Center
National calendar of events, directory of men's
services and a listing of books for positive
change in men's roles and relationships.
www.menstuff.org
The Men's Issues Page:
www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html
100 Black Men, Inc.: .
www.1 OObm.org
Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro.htm
Pro-feminist mailing list:
http://coombs.anu.edu.au/- gorkin
/profem.html
At Home Dad: www.parentsplace.com/readroom
/athomedad
The Fathers Resource Center:
www.slowlane.com/frc
National Fatherhood Initiative:
www.cytc. umn. ed u/Fathernet
The Fatherhood Project: www.
fatherhoodproject.org
Magazines
Achlles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda.
demon .co. uk/achilles
/issues.html
XY:men, sex politics (from Australia):
http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin/XY
/xyinfro.htm
Ending Men's Violence Real Men:
www.cs.utk.edu/- bartley/other/reaiMen.html
The Men's Rape Prevention Project:
www.mrpp.org/intro.html
Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out:
www.geocities.com/CapitaiHill/1139
/quitporn.html
Ready to Change Your Life?
Men's Group Therapy 413-586-7454
Psychotherapy for:
Couples - Families
Individuals
Reed Schimmelfing
MSW, LICSW
Offices In Northampton
Sam Femiano, Th.D., Ed,D.
LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST
Individual and group psychotherapy
Therapy groups for male survivors of childhood abuse
25 MAIN STREET- NORTHAMPTON , MA 01060 ;.
Volunteers Needed
AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County
(413) 586-82898 Help make life easier and
friendlier for our neighbors affected by HIV or
AIDS. Men are especially needed.
Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire
County
We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in
the Hampshire County area. Big Brothers act
as mentors and role models to boys who need
a caring adult friend. To learn more about
being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591.
Planned Parenthood of Western
Massachusetts
413 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to
help distribute information about Planned
Parenthood's services, promote safe sex practices,
and rally support for
pro-choice legislation at various events.
Men's Resource Center
(413) 253-9887 Distribution, ad sales and
mailings for Voice Male, general office work,
special projects. etc. Flexible schedules.
TEL: 413-586-0515 • Fax: 413-584-8903 • EMAIL: PATSAM®JAVANET.COM
24
Voice Male

Thank You!
The Men's Resource Center is truly a community
organization. We have grown to
where we are now because hundreds of people
have shared our inspiration and commitment,
and contributed their time, services,
and money toward a vision of personal and
social transformation. As our programs and
services continue to grow in size and scope,
we see that the size and scope of our community
support also expand. We are filled
with deep gratitude at the outpouring of
support. We hope the following acknowledgments
communicate a sense of being
part of a growing community of support.
Thank you.
Computer Support: Bill Fleming
Donated Space: Hampshire Community
Action Commission
Gardening: Craig Stevens
In-Kind Donations: Henion Bakery
Telephone System Support: Jim Levey
As always, we extend our gratitude to the
MRC Board of Directors and Advisory Board
for the ongoing guidance and support they
give to this organization and all who are a
part of it. We are also grateful to our volunteers
who support us in so many ways.
The Mythic Warrior
-A 9-month Training for Men -
Meeting one weekend a month for nine months, beginning in
October, 2001, we will enact a modem-day hero's journey, a
Men's Sean:h for Masculinity and the Sacred.
Using der}th psychology, ritual. initiatory activities, and group
processes, we will cross the threshold of the sacred, developing
personal and male rituals to support and guide us through life,
creaing self-trust and a healthy mB;SCulinity to heal ourselves,
families, and communities ..
"Life transforming ... "- D.C. , Collinsville, CT
For further information contact Sparrow Hart:
(802) 387-6624 or (SJHII7'0W@Jogether.itet) .
Or write: Cin:les of Air and Stoae ••••
PO Box 48, Putney, VT 05346
WANT TO BECOME
A FACILITATOR OF
AN MRC SUPPORT
GROUP?
Join us for our free annual
Training for Facilitators
Nov 2001-lan 2002
:RuouRcE . M~-·
\CENTER(· .
\ , •.
~
For more information call
Allan Arnaboldi
Director of
Support Programs
at the
MEN'S RESOURCE
CENTER
413-253-9887
Konza Massage
Deep tissue, sports, structural body work
and relaxation therapy for men
Joseph Babcock
413.587.4334
A.M.T.A Member Very Reasonable Rates Nationally Certified
Robert Mazer
psychotherapy for men in transition,
men seeking movement in their lives
free initial consultation I flexible fees
staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amherst 256-0772
Fall2001
--~------------------------------------------------------------------ 25

September 28-30
North Oxford, Massachusetts
Massachusetts Men's Gathering 25
Semi-annual participant-led weekend.
Workshops, talent show, poetry, drumming. Cost:
$80-$150 sliding scale, including food & lodging.
Information: www.massmensgathering.org;
(617) 282-3521, Chris.
October 5, 9:00 a.m.-12 noon
Springfield, Massachusetts
Race, Class, Sex-Role Stereotypes, and Sexual
Orientation: The Cultural Context Model
First of three Advanced Clinical Trainings by the
Training Institute of the Center for Human
Development. Purpose: to present the theoretical
underpinnings, concepts & practice of the cultural
context model of family therapy. For human
services professionals. CEUs available (before
mailing your registration, call for their availability
for your discipline). Cost: Per training: $35,
CEU charge $5; for the series of three: $90, CEU
charge $15. At: 332 Birnie Ave. Information:
(413) 439-2254, Sara Lockard.
October 5-7
Boston, Massachusetts
A Legacy of Struggle, Pride and Commitment
Pa' Fuera, Pa' Lante (Out and Forward)
Northeast Regional Latino Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual
and Transgender Conference. Purpose: to bring
together LGBT Latinos from the Northeast &
Puerto Rico to address their issues. ("Noche
Cultural," a night of music, dance, show & poetry
on October 6 at Jorge Hernandez Cultural
Center). At: UMass. Information & Registration:
info@pafuerapalante.org;
www.pafuerapalante.org.
October 10-12
St. Petersburg, Florida
Also: November 7-9, Washington, DC; & December
5-7, San Antonio, TX
Working with Young Fathers: Building
Skills for Practitioners
Conducted by The National Center for Strategic
Nonprofit Planning and Community Leadership
(NPCL). For practitioners and program administrators.
Limited to 25. Information:
www.npcl.org; Tel. 888-528-NPCL; (202) 822-
6725; Fax (202) 822-5699; NPCL 2000 L Street,
NW, Suite 815, Washington, DC 20036.
October 10-14
Boston, Massachusetts
Also: December 4-9, Santa Fe, New Mexico
Gender Reconciliation-Residential Intensive
Sponsor: Shavano Institute. Introduction to
processes for restoring mutual trust and providing
authentic intimacy between men and women.
Cost: $500-$575 plus $65 per day for double
accommodations & 3 vegetarian meals.
Scholarships available. Information: Tel. (720)
890-0336; gende!®shavano.org; Fax (720) 890-
0339; www.shavano.org; Shavano Institute, P.O.
Box 17904, Boulder, Colorado 80308.
October 12-14
Maine
(Also on other dates & elsewhere in the U.S. &
abroad)
New Warrior Training Adventure
Sponsored by The ManKind Project. Purpose: for
men to examine their selves & lives, deepen self-
26
CALENDAR.
understanding, discover the warrior within (a
man of highly focused energy), and change their
lives to fulfill their potential. Discussions, games,
visualizations, journaling, individual work. Cost:
$550-650, according to location, including meals
& lodging. Information: www.mkp.org; Andy
Towlen: (617) 256-8999; newengland@mkp.org;
49 Carleton St., Newton, MA 02458.
October 18, 9:00 a.m.-12 noon
Springfield, Massachusetts
Exploring and Supporting Identity
Development in Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual
and Transgendered Clients
Second of three Advanced Clinical Trainings by
the Training Institute of the Center for Human
Development. Purpose: to explore how sexuality
and gender issues are relevant to clinical practice.
Information: See above, under October 5.
October 25-28
New York, New York
Healing The Sexual Victimization of
Boys and Men
9th International Conference of the National
Organization of Male Sexual Victimization
(NOMSV). (The Men's Resource Center is an
Affiliate Sponsor.) Workshops, seminars, and
presentations. For survivors, professionals,
women, and others. Safe room for survivors.
CEUs & scholarships available. Cost: $95-$210;
students $50-$180. At: John Jay College of
Criminal]ustice, City University of New York;
899 lOth Ave. Information: 800-738-4181;
www.malesurvivor.org; nomsv@malesurvivor.org;
NOMSV. 5505 Connecticut Ave., NW -#103,
Washington, DC 20015-2601.
October 26
Northampton, Massachusetts
Cultivating Hope, Harvesting Action
3rd Annual Conference on Rural Poverty &
Social Change. Sponsored by Franklin
Community Action Corporation. At: The Inn at
Northampton. Information: Tel. (413) 774-2318
x 129; www.fcac.net; Fax (413) 773-3834;
info@fcac.net.
October 27, 9:00 a.m.-5:00 p.ni.
San Rafael, California
2nd International Conference on Men's Health
Presented by MenAlive, American Society on
Aging, & others. For health professionals &
interested men & women. CEUs available. Cost:
$125 including lunch & free copy of The
Warrior~ journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the
Planet by Jed Diamond. At: Embassy Suites
Hotel, 101 Mcinnis Pkwy, San Rafael, CA 94903;
Tel. 1-800-EMBASSY; Fax (415) 499-9268;
wWw.embassysuites.com. Information &
Registration: www.menalive.com. Registration
also: Tel. (707) 823-3601, Hari Meyers;
MenAlive, do Hari Meyers, P.O. Box 5,
Sebastopol, CA 95473.
October 29-30
Scottsdale, Arizona
Advanced Gender Certificate Training Program
Offered by The Scottsdale National Gender
Institute. For professional improvement in
designing & implementing gender cultural
changes in the workplace. Limited to 25.
Information: Tel. (480) 473-0426; Fax (480)
473-0427; info@gendertraining.com; www.
gendertraining.com; The Scottsdale National
Gender Institute, 4611 E. Sands Drive, Phoenix,
AZ 85050.
October 31-November 2
Scottsdale, Arizona
Closing the Gap, Scaling the Heights: Men and
Women Together
8th Annual Conference Gender Diversity
Training Conference. Speakers from AT&T,
Kodak, & other companies. Limited to 200.
Information: See above, under October 29-30,
but address postal mail to: National Association
of Gender Diversity Training at given address.
November 1, 9:00 a.m.-12 Noon
Springfield, Massachusetts
Implications for Clinical Work with the
Latino Population
Third of three Advanced Clinical Trainings by
the Training Institute of the Center for Human
Development. Purpose: to cover the role of
Latino culture in clinical practice. Information:
See above, under October 5.
November 1, 5:30-8 p.m.
Northampton, Massachusetts
Sixth Annual MRC Challenge and Change
Celebration
Honoring members of our community whose
lives and work embody the ideals of the MRC.
See article, page 5.
November 2-4
Vienna, Austria
1st World Congress on Men's Health
Organized by the University of Vienna Medical
School and other international institutions.
Lectures, symposia, plenary sessions. Topics
largely medical, partly psycho-socio-econo-cultural.
CME credits available. Cost: 250-350 euros
+ 20% tax; travel, food, lodging extra.
Information:
www.healthandage.com/htmVmin/wcmh200011in
dex.htm; Mr. R. Nedoschill at: Fax 43-1-512-
8091-80; Tel. 4 3-1-512-8091-0;
medicalconnection@icos.co.at.
November 6
Worcester, Massachusetts
Leading the Way: Peers Preventing Dating
Violence and Sexual Assault
Jane Doe Inc. 2001 Youth Conference. Purposes:
to learn from peer-led prevention models around
the state; provide education and information to
service providers; foster collaboration between
school staff and agencies providing services to
youth. For youth and adult service providers. At:
College of the Holy Cross. Information: (617)
248-0922, ext. 216; TTY (617) 263-2200.
November 7
Boston, Massachusetts
True Heroes of Sport and Hall of Fame Induction
17th Annual Sport in Society Awards Banquet &
Induction of Dick Schaap into Hall of Fame.
Sponsored by the Center for the Study of Sport
in Society. Northeastern University. At: Fairmont
Copley Plaza Hotel. Information: (617) 373-
9889; www.sportinsociety.org; Center for the
Study of Sport in Society, Northeastern
University, 360 Huntington Ave., Boston, MA
02115-5000.
Voice _Male

November 8-10
Kissimmee, Florida
11th International Conference on Sexual
Assault and Harassment on Campus
Organized by Safe Schools Coalition, Inc.
Participating organizations: American
Federation of Teachers,.American School
Counselor Association, and many others. For
all concerned. Cost: $295-$330; students:
$110-$145. For airline discounts at e>arly booking,
call1-800-524-1223, state you're travelling
to this conference, and give index no.
18181659. At: Hyatt Orlando Hotel, 6375 W.
Irlo Bronson Memorial Hwy. (For discounted
room rates call407-396-1234 before Oct. 5).
Information: Tel. 800-537-4903; Fax 941-778-
6818; ssc@tampabay.rr.com; Safe Schools
Coalition, Inc., 5351 Gulf Drive, P.O. Box 1338,
Holmes Beach; FL 34218-1338;
www.ed.mtu.edu/safe.
November 13-18
Boulder, Colorado
Gender Reconciliation-Year-Long Training
1st of 4 week-lorig modules spread over one
year, offered by the Shavano Institute for (1)
professionals and others to develop skills of
facilitating gender reconciliation and (2) those
solely seeking gender reconciliation. Cost of all
4 modules: $2500-3500 plus about $65 per day
for multiple occupancy & meals. Scholarships
available. Information: See above, under October
10-14.
November 30-December 2
Wallingford, Pennsylvania
Changing a Culture: Building Bridges­
Connecting Differences
Conference sponsored by the Men's
International Peace Exchange (MIPE). Purpose:
to create a culture of peace among people(s) of
· different faiths, races, classes, genders, generations,
nationalities, political preferences; and
sexual orientations. Presentations and discussions.
For all concerned. Social work CEUs
may be available. Information: Men's
International Peace Exchange, P.O. Box 36,
Swarthmore, PA 19081-0036.
February 22-24, 2002
West Greenwich, Rhode Island
Rhode Island Men's Gathering
Purpose: to connect, learn and gain support.
Participant-led, optional workshops and spontaneous
indoor, outdoor, musical & artistic
R&R. For men of all ages and wa lks of life.
Cost: $85-$125 sliding scale, including meals
and lodging. Partial scholarships available. At:
forested Environmental Education Center, W.
Alton Jones Campus, U. of Rhode Island.
Information: (401 ) 231-4785, john Blakeslee;
www.members. tripod.com/rimensgathering;
SnowRI@juno .com; P.O. Box 17441, Esmond,
RI 02917. (No calls after 8 p.m. please.)
Please send all calendar listings for events from
December 1, 2001 to March 31, 2002-and
beyond to: Voice Male Calendar,
mposada@crocker.com with cc to
mrc@valinet.com; or MRC, 236 No. Pleasant
St., Amherst, MA 01002; Fax (413) 253-4801.
Deadline for Winter issue: Nov. 5.
IS THIS YOU?
If you can answer "Yes" to
II'!J of these questions, you
Q Po 'fOU call 'four wlf• or girlfritnd may have a problem with
namM?
abuse. Without help, it
Q Po 'fOU put htr cicNn and 111ab could get worse. At Men
htr fttl bad about hti"NNf7
Overcoming Violence, you
0 h-t 'fOU tN"IIIM'f jtal-7 fan learn to change. Call us
0 Po 'fOU control what Mit dote, and to schedule a confidential
whotll eht - and talu to? appointment with one of
0 lbvt 'fOU tvtr 111adt ang~ or our trained staff. We can
tlmat•ntng gtetum toward htr? help ... before it's too late.
0 lbvt 'fOU tvtr vtrball'f tlmllltlltd
htr?
0 llavt 'fOU tvtr pundltd a wall or
MOVE
cDelf01W poeetee'- In angtr? MEN OVERCOMING
0 lbvt 'fOU tvtr hit or elappt

Join Us
Awards • Dinner • Music
/
6th Annu~ Ch4llenge & Change Celebration
Thursday, November 1, 2001 • 5:30pm- 8:00pm
Inn at Northampton • 1 Atwood Drive, Northampton
Exit 18 ~ffl-91 -
Honoring:
Barry Brooks, Guidance Couns~lor, Amherst Regional Middle School
John Kazlauskas, Jr.*' Video Producer, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual. Transgender issues for students
K.risti Nelson, Executive Director, Women's Fund ofWe!Ytern Massachusetts
David Sharken, Executive Director, Food Bank ofWestern Massachusetts
* Ozzy Klate Memorial Youth Award
..