to download - Voice Male Magazine

New Visions of Manhood
Voice Male
The Magazine of The Men’s Resource Center for change
fall 2005
DOUBLE
PLAY
Gabe and Lisa Kapler
Take the Field Against
Domestic Violence
INSIDE:
l 10 Ways Men Can Challenge Abuse l Preventing Prostate Cancer l Saying Yes to Nonviolence

From The Editor
• Voice Male
A Call to Men:
From Bystanders to Activists
By Rob Okun
The transformation in consciousness
that Voice Male
and its publisher, the Men’s
Resource Center for Change,
have long advocated—that
men who reject the culture of violence
shift their role from men-as-bystanders
to men-taking-action—just got a muchneeded
power surge.
More than 300 men and women from
around the country spent two days in
New York City attending “A Call to Men:
Becoming Part of the Solution to End
Violence Against Women.” The conference,
held at John Jay College at the end
of September, was organized by a new
organization, the National Association of
Men and Women Committed to Ending
Violence Against Women (www.acalltomen.org).
The name may be long but its
founders, Tony Porter, Ted Bunch, and
Brenda Ross, want to make sure people
understand precisely what their group is
all about—men taking responsibility to
end violence against women and doing so
by working alongside women whose leadership
they acknowledge and respect.
An energy of possibility and hope
emanated from the gathering. Attendees,
slightly more women then men, included
key staff from state agencies and nonprofit
organizations working to prevent
sexual assault and domestic violence.
They networked, exchanged business
cards, shared resources. They made concrete
the growing phenomenon of collaboration
between men and women that
the Men’s Resource Center for Change
and Voice Male have long championed
(see article on page 10).
In their engaging presentation, Porter
and Bunch offered a primer on the damaging
effects of male socialization, peppered
with anecdotes from their personal
lives. Each man wasn’t afraid to reveal
some of his foibles, places where conventional
ideas about men and manhood
“As men we need to find our voices and no longer
settle for being bystanders to a movement for justice—
for women, for men, for all of us.”
still have a hold on them.
Porter shared a sobering example of
one of the organization’s beliefs: Wellmeaning
men’s silence about other men’s
violence gives permission to men to act
violently. As an older teen he failed to act
when he witnessed a mentally delayed
teenage girl being repeatedly sexually
assaulted at a party. Caught between
his awareness that what was going on
was not consensual sex but rape, and
his desire to maintain status among
his peers, he described how he not
only didn’t intervene but actually falsely
conveyed to his peers that he, too, had
participated. The young woman, he said,
had no value to him yet; his peers did.
His story had a powerful effect on the
mostly older conference audience—it’s a
must-tell story for student audiences.
As men of color, Porter and Bunch
brought to their talk a profound understanding
of male privilege, both as men
who have it and as African-Americans
who don’t. Moreover, their discussion of
the epidemic of men’s violence against
women drew strength from their articulation
of the parallels between how racism
and sexism play out in men’s and
women’s lives. Among their insights: the
awareness that the movement to end
violence against women won’t “be doing
its best work until the voices of women
of color are heard.”
Among those also speaking at the
conference was anti-porn activist Robert
Jensen, a frequent contributor to Voice
Male and a professor at the University
of Texas at Austin. In a blistering report
on the mainstreaming of pornography,
Jensen sought to draw the connection
between the degraded ways women are
treated in the porn world and the violence
perpetrated against them by men
who feel a sense of ownership, privilege,
and entitlement.
In the porn world, Jensen said,
“women are reduced to three holes and
two hands.” He despaired over the growing
societal acceptance of porn, from
awards ceremonies in Las Vegas modeled
on the Oscars, to the sheer volume of
pornographic videos being produced—
“11,000 new hard-core porn tapes a
year.” A conservative estimate is that $10
billion a year is spent on the porn industry,
Jensen reported. “Pornographers may
be able to deliver an inexpensive orgasm
but they can’t deliver joy,” he reminded
his audience.
Like the organizers of “A Call to
Men,” like the Men’s Resource Center
for Change, like Voice Male’s ongoing
commitment to report on new visions
of manhood, Jensen, Porter, and Bunch
model what is possible when as men we
find our voices and no longer settle for
being bystanders to a movement for justice
for women, for men, for children, for
all of us on our endangered planet. There
are many places along the continuum of
social change for men to join in; looking
inward, at home, in our relationships,
pushing past our resistance to examine
our privilege, is a rich place to begin. VM
Voice Male editor Rob Okun can be reached
at raokun@mrcforchange.org.
2

Table of Contents
Features
Double Play: Gabe and Lisa Kapler Take
the Field Against Domestic Violence .......8
By Rob Okun
Why Men and Women Must Work
Together to End Domestic Violence .....10
By Marian Kent
The Long Road Back From Abuse .......12
By Rob Okun
Columns & Opinion
From the Editor. .........................2
Mail Bonding. ...........................4
Men @ Work. ............................5
ColorLines. .............................14
Lessons From Grand-Jack
By Haji Shearer
OutLines ...............................18
On The Border: A Eunuch’s Tale
By Richard Wassersug
GBQ Resources .........................19
Men’s Health ...........................20
What Men Can Do: Preventing
Prostate and Testicular Cancer
Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
Calendar ...............................24
Thank You. .............................26
MRC Programs & Services. ..............27
Cover Photo by Julie Cordeiro.
Voice Male
Editor – Rob Okun
Managing Editor – Michael Burke
Designer – Mary Zyskowski
Ad Sales – Susan Craig
Voice Male
Masculinity redefined...New visions of manhood...
Men overcoming isolation...
No matter how you describe it,
we’re all in uncharted waters today trying to
understand contemporary men and masculinity.
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VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the Men’s
Resource Center for Change, 236 North Pleasant
St., Amherst, MA 01002. It is mailed to donors and
subscribers in the U.S., Canada, and overseas and
distributed at select locations around New England.
The opinions expressed in VOICE MALE may not
represent the views of all staff, board, volunteers, or
members of the Men’s Resource Center for Change.
Subscriptions: For subscription information, call (413)
253-9887, ext. 16, or go to www.mrcforchange.org and
follow the links to subscribe to VOICE MALE.
Advertising: For VOICE MALE advertising rates
and deadlines, call (413) 253-9887, ext. 25.
Submissions: The editors welcome letters, articles,
news items, article ideas and queries, and information
about events of interest. We encourage unsolicited
manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss.
Manuscripts sent through the mail will be responded
to and returned if accompanied by a self-addressed
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Editors, VOICE MALE, 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst,
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FALL 2005 •
3

Mail Bonding
We Want to Hear from You!
Write us at:
Voice Male
MRC
236 North Pleasant St.
Amherst, MA 01002
or Fax (413) 253-4801
voicemale@mrcforchange.org
Please include address and phone. Letters
may be edited for clarity and length.
Deadline for Winter issue:
November 25, 2005
Brainstorming for Change
I received my first issue of Voice Male and
wanted to drop a line to voice my enthusiasm
at discovering this community of
men working toward positive change. Two
other men and I, one School of Public
and Environmental Affairs graduate school
intern and one social work major, have
scheduled a meeting at our place of work
and have invited all the men that work
there to join us in brainstorming and spitballing
ideas about what we’d like to see
in a men’s group and what functions we’d
like it to serve. I don’t (yet) know a lot
about the Men’s Resource Center but so far
it looks like just the thing our community
needs, and my two cents will include a
pitch to at the very least explore the work
the MRC for Change and Voice Male do as
a point of departure.
Curtis Swedran
Bloomington, Ind.
communities of sex, religion, skin color,
sexual behavior: we used to talk about the
“French pattern of integration.” Any kind
of difference was not to concern public and
global matters but was relegated to private
life. But for several years, this pattern has
been facing a crisis. The American pattern
of community is settling into our French
society, which is a cause of fear among the
intellectuals: a dangerous “social fracture”
appeared, resulting in an individualization
of interest, putting people into locked
drawers depending on their real, desired,
or imagined affinities.
The sense of exclusion dramatically
increased: a vicious form of exclusion,
neither admitted nor faced, whose victims
are mainly immigrants and their children,
women and youth.
Will society take its people more into
account if they are joining a community
in which they recognize themselves,
their problems and their wishes? People
suffering from exclusion believe in this
new power of community action, through
which they feel less alone. But in fact this
evolution is deeply questioning everyone’s
complex identity and the paradoxical need
of recognition in an excluding society.
We are not only male or female, black or
white, educated or not, heterosexual, bisexual
or homosexual or any kind of difference
some may create to separate humans.
Dividing has always been the best way to
rule. We don’t belong to just one or two
drawers—we are the whole chest of drawers.
As citizens in a given society, we should
feel concerned by the major issues our
society faces. Therefore we have to face our
political responsibility with our votes, our
voices. That will lead us to more constructive
directions than taking on a constant
position of victim. We are actors, but only if
we all choose to be part of this world.
I am still skeptical about limited community
actions, which to me separate
people from each other on the basis of fake
or created differences. I still believe there
is another way to manage our differences,
so we can live all together. But I wish to
give Voice Male my support for your global
action, because whatever males’ issues are,
I make them mine as I make the choice
to be a responsible citizen, a responsible
person in a shared world. VM
Adelaide Donon
Paris, France
• Voice Male
The Global Chest of Drawers
I received Voice Male through my good
friend Gretchen Craig and read it with
much interest, as a young sociologist who
has just spent several months studying the
process of implicit discrimination toward
immigrants in a Paris neighborhood.
At first, I was surprised by the magazine’s
point of view, in which I see a sense of community
that is different from the French
notion. Traditionally in France we have
tried not to separate our population into
4

Men @ Work
A Blog for the “Uncommon Man”
The Men’s Resource Center for
Change and Men’s Resources
International are collaborating on a
new project—“The Uncommon Man,” a
regularly updated pro-feminist weblog
exploring issues of being a man through
the lenses of science, politics, pop
culture, and people’s personal experiences
and opinions. The site is located
at the Men’s Resources International
website and is overseen by MRC associate
director Russell Bradbury-Carlin.
Recent posts include articles on how
use of laptops may lower your sperm
count, whether fathers can get postpartum
depression, the issue of rape
in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, and
“Training Husbands Like Dogs.” Check
out this new blog at: http://uncommonman.mensresourcesinternational.org/.
Marriage Stress During Wartime
The institution of marriage appears to
be yet another casualty of the military
conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan.
The U.S. Army says that compared with
2003, last year’s divorce rate among officers
was up 78 percent, and up 28 percent
for enlisted personnel. Although the
factors that affect the divorce rate among
military couples are similar to those for
non-military divorce rates, the situations
can be more acute.
According to Seetha Narayan, author
of the forthcoming Complete Idiot’s Guide
to Long-Distance Relationships, there are
four primary stresses that contribute to
divorce among military couples:
Finances. Young military couples tend
to have less financial experience, and
many go into debt during their military
service. It helps to have a financial plan
early on, so couples can avoid unnecessary
tension.
Communication issues. Communication
about everyday matters is most helpful
when it’s about achievements and other
news, less helpful when it’s about daily
problems and issues that the deployed
partner may find a jarring disconnect
Peaceful Images
365 Days of the Year
he 2006 Peace Calendar is a stunning collection of images from the natural
environment produced by nature photographer and psychotherapist
T
Charlie Hertan (also an occasional Voice Male contributing writer). “In addition
to Charlie’s breathtaking photographs, the calendar features quotes from
Howard Zinn, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and Noam Chomsky, among others,”
according to Michael Dover, development director of the Men’s Resource Center
for Change. To see images from it, go to www.charliehertanphotography.com.
Charlie has selected the Men’s Resource Center for Change as sole recipient of
proceeds from calendar sales which retail for $15. To find out how you can sell
a few, or to simply buy one for yourself, Dover advises contacting the MRC’s
Gretchen Craig at (413) 253-9887 ext. 16, or gcraig@mrcforchange.org.
from the stresses of the battlefield.
Infidelity. Infidelity, or worry about it,
is a common stress in military marriages.
A soldier is less likely to cheat if there is
no history of infidelity in his or her family,
and the unit commander and fellow
soldiers set high standards of conduct. It
helps to discuss ground rules and expectations
about fidelity before a partner is
deployed.
Abuse. The outbreak of domestic violence
upon reintegration with the family
can shatter a marriage. Data have shown
that a positive resolution for both husband
and wife is more likely when the
violence is reported and the unit commander
gets involved.
Narayan’s book is scheduled for release
November 1.
“I Will Not Kill” Campaign
As recruiting numbers fall, the
U.S. military is stepping up
efforts to entice youth to join its ranks.
Meanwhile, a new “I Will Not Kill” campaign
is an effort to educate youth about
the reality of war and their right to say
no to killing.
The “I Will Not Kill” campaign aims
to educate high school and college age
youth, especially youth of color and
youth in rural and impoverished white
communities. Among its goals: raising
awareness about war resistance, educating
youth about the impacts of war,
opposing a future draft, dismantling the
selective service system and promoting a
culture of life. In addition, it promotes
continued on page 6
FALL 2005 •
5

• Voice Male Men @ Work
Men @ Work continued from page 5
conscientious objection to war as a positive
alternative to violence and a way to
strengthen and uplift communities and
all of civil society.
A conscientious objector is a person
who objects to participation in all forms
of war and whose stance is based on an
ethical, moral, or religious belief system.
The “I Will Not Kill” campaign stresses
that to be a CO, one does not have to be
a pacifist or believe in God. Neither does
one have to oppose the use of violence
in personal self-defense, but one must
oppose participating in all wars.
The “I Will Not Kill” campaign is sponsored
by the Fellowship of Reconciliation.
For more information on the campaign,
go to http://www.iwillnotkill.org/ or
http://www.forusa.org/. For more information
about CO registration, see the
I
Art Exhibit and
Auction to Benefit MRC
nterested in supporting men’s
work? You may want to attend an
upcoming art exhibit and auction to
benefit the Men’s Resource Center for
Change, Voice Male’s publisher. “This is
an exhibit and auction for everyone.”
said Gretchen Craig, an auction organizer.
“If you’re interested in buying
beautiful holiday gifts and supporting
the MRC at the same time, you’ll want
to bid on the great art, pottery, photography,
wearable art, and other pieces
we have at the exhibit,” Craig said.
The exhibit, at the A.P.E. Gallery at
Thornes Marketplace, Northampton,
Mass., will be up for silent auction
bidding beginning November 29 and
continuing through the live auction
Saturday evening, December 3. The
exhibit will feature works by scores
of well-known artists including Barry
Moser, Leonard Baskin, Greg Gillespie,
Robin Freedenfeld, Jane Lund, Jane
Dyer, and Clemens Kalischer, among
many others. To learn more about
the exhibit and art auction, contact
Craig at (413) 253-9887 ext. 16, or
gcraig@mrcforchange.org.
informative PDF from the Center on Conscience
& War at http://www.centeronconscience.org/literature/COandDraft.
pdf or go to http://www.objector.org/
website and newsletter/.
Batterer Intervention Coming of Age
While the concept is no doubt
familiar to many readers of Voice
Male, the field of batterer intervention is
relatively new within the bigger picture
of domestic violence intervention and
prevention. There are many ways of
approaching this work, which has also
led to controversies and tensions within
the DV universe. Many questions remain
without clear answers, including: How do
you define success? Is it a success when
the batterer is not arrested again, or only
when he is completely free of controlling
behaviors? Can women be batterers, and
what type of treatment should be offered
to them? Is there a one-size-fits-all model
of batterer intervention, or is it appropriate
to have different models for those of
different cultures?
The first major batterers’ intervention
conference in many years, “From
Roots to Wings: The Future of Batterer
Intervention” convenes in Detroit in
November. The conference is designed
to explore some of the above issues and
others and to be a gathering of voices
from the DV work community. Staff
from the Men’s Resource Center for
Change’s Moving Forward program are
presenting two workshops on follow-up
and partner programs. Look for news of
the gathering in an upcoming issue of
Voice Male.
The conference runs November 2–4 at the
Detroit Marriott at the Renaissance Center.
For more information, see the Calendar section
on page 24, or go to http://www.biscmi.org/documents/biscmi10thconference.
html, e-mail dgarvin@csswashtenaw.org,
or call (517) 482-3933.
More Accurate Prostate Testing?
Ablood test revealing the body’s
natural defense against malignant
cells offers doctors a clue in more accurately
detecting prostate cancer, the New
England Journal of Medicine reported at
the end of September. If further studies
indicate the initial test is accurate it could
replace the standard diagnostic procedure,
which is wrong up to four fifths
of the time. Kenneth Pienta, professor of
medicine and urology at the University
of Michigan in Ann Arbor, says the new
test can use the same blood sample
provided for the more conventional PSA
test. It correctly spotted 82 percent of
prostate tumors and accurately ruled out
cancer 88 percent of the time.
Promoting Strength, Not Violence,
for Young Men
Anew campaign in California seeks
to engage young men aged 14–18
and make them part of a solution to prevent
sexual violence. The “MyStrength
Campaign,” a multimillion-dollar initiative
unveiled in Sacramento in September,
is a project of the California Coalition
Against Sexual Assault (CALCASA), a
statewide organization working to end
sexual violence.
The largest campaign of its kind in the
United States, according to CALCASA, the
MyStrength Campaign centers around the
theme, “My Strength Is Not for Hurting,”
emphasizing healthy relationships and
empowering young men to maintain their
strength and masculinity without using
coercion, intimidation, force, or violence.
The campaign seeks to encourage men to
play a vital role in creating a safe environment
for their relationships and reinforces
the idea that men can put an end to sexual
violence.
“The MyStrength Campaign is an
important step forward in sexual violence
prevention because it proactively engages
men as a part of the solution,” said
Ellen Yin-Wycoff, CALCASA’s interim
executive director. “The campaign is
careful to not blame young men for sexual
violence, but rather enlists their help in
prevention efforts and encourages them
to take responsibility and find solutions.
6

Ultimately, sexual violence can be prevented
and men can make a difference in
ending rape.”
Actor Dorian Gregory, from TV’s
Charmed, Soul Train, and The Other Half,
was on hand at the campaign’s launch to
lend his support to the prevention effort.
“The MyStrength Campaign [is] important
because [it is] truly taking sexual
violence education to the next level by
involving young men in a solution,” said
Gregory. “It’s crucial that men demonstrate
strength of character in their relationships,
rather than apply their strength
and masculinity to physical domination
and force. By using strength for respect
and maintaining healthy relationships,
we will make a giant step toward solving
this serious issue.”
For more information, log on to
http://www.calcasa.org or http://www.
mystrength.org.
Teaching Boys What Not to Hit
The Family Violence Prevention Fund
(FVPF) has unveiled a new series
of television and radio public service
announcements encouraging men to communicate
to boys that violence against
women is wrong.
Part of the organization’s “Coaching
Boys into Men” initiative, the PSAs focus
on the role men can play in shaping boys’
attitudes toward women and girls. The
campaign targets men, including fathers,
coaches, teachers, uncles, brothers and
mentors, who spend time with preteen
and teenage boys.
The “Father and Son” spot will feature
vignettes of a father and son playing different
sports together with the narrator
saying, “You taught him how to hit the
strike zone, a nine-iron, the net, the
open man.” At the end, a narrator says,
“But how much time have you spent
teaching him what not to hit?” It uses the
tag line, “All Violence Against Women Is
Wrong. Teach Early.” The radio version is
available in Spanish and English. The TV
spot is only in English.
“We hope men’s organizations and initiatives
will use the PSAs as part of
Domestic Violence Awareness Month campaigns
and other outreach efforts,” said
the Family Violence Prevention Fund’s
Juan Carlos Areán. Groups interested in
receiving free copies of the PSAs and an
accompanying media kit to reach major
media outlets should contact the FVPF’s
Leiana Kinnicutt at (415) 252-8900 ext
15 or leiana@endabuse.org. VM
MRC for Change
on the Web:
Surf Our Turf (Again)!
New look, new logo—
same innovative programs!
www.mrcforchange.org
(www.mensresourcecenter.org
will still bring you to our site)
Men @ Work
FALL 2005 •
7

DOUBLE
PLAY
Gabe and Lisa Kapler
Take the Field Against
Domestic Violence
• Voice Male
BY
ROB OKUN
G
abe Kapler has been saying
no to domestic abuse
for a long time. Taking
that stance, the Boston
Red Sox outfielder says,
was a natural outgrowth of the values
he was raised with by activist parents in
Los Angeles. Earlier this year he put his
beliefs into practice, establishing a foundation
committed to supporting victims
of domestic violence and modeling for
boys a healthy brand of masculinity. He
is committed to seeing the foundation’s
vision grow.
Followers of baseball probably know
that in mid-September, in the thick of
the American League East pennant race,
Gabe ruptured his left Achilles tendon
rounding second base in a tie game against
Toronto. His season ended abruptly. While
he returned home to Los Angeles for surgery
and recuperation, his injury has not
sidelined him from pursuing his commitment
to the mission of the foundation that
bears his name.
Projects the Kapler Foundation is currently
supporting include procuring
playground equipment and additional
childcare for a Los Angeles battered
women’s shelter and piloting a collaboration
between a Massachusetts shelter, Safe
Passage of Northampton, and the Men’s
Resource Center for Change, publisher of
Voice Male.
“The grant,” foundation co-founder and
administrator Judy Kapler says, “will allow
men from the Men’s Resource Center to
serve as positive role models, spending
time with boys in the shelter who have
witnessed or experienced domestic abuse.
We want to facilitate all children growing
up with healthy ideas about men.” Judy
Kapler, who is Gabe’s mother, holds a
master’s degree in child development and
has been teaching, directing, counseling,
and advocating for children for a quarter
century. (See sidebar, page 17, and www.
kaplerfoundation.org.)
Gabe Kapler began to seriously think
about the issue of dating violence when he
was a senior in high school and had begun
dating his future wife, Lisa. They were
both 17. With great difficulty, Lisa had
recently extricated herself from a relationship
in which she’d been physically and
emotionally abused by an older student.
Meeting Gabe, a star on the school’s baseball
team, was eye-opening, she recalled.
Even though she was vulnerable and in
the early stages of recovering from her
ordeal, she recognized that Gabe represented
“a role model for what a healthy
relationship could be.”
Lisa and Gabe married in 1999 and
have two sons, ages three and six. They
live in Los Angeles, but during the season
lead a baseball family’s nomadic life.
Since becoming a major leaguer, Gabe
has played for the Detroit Tigers, Texas
Rangers, and Colorado Rockies. He was
traded to the Red Sox halfway through the
2003 season. Gabe was in right field when
Boston recorded the final out against the
St. Louis Cardinals last season to win the
World Series for the first time in 86 years.
He started the 2005 season as the center
fielder on the Yomiuri Giants in Japan but
was unhappy there. He was able to return
to the Red Sox at the end of July, playing
frequently until he was injured.
The idea for the Kapler Foundation,
something Gabe and Lisa had been considering,
got a jump start in June 2004
when the Red Sox Wives were preparing a
“Picnic in the Park,” an annual event raising
money for a non-profit organization
and the Red Sox Foundation. When Lisa
Photo courtesy of Gabe and Lisa Kapler
8

tery charges. They ordered him to attend
anger management classes and let him go
at the end of the season (see Voice Male
Fall 1997). More recently, Northeastern
University’s Center for the Study of Sport
in Society began offering their Mentors in
Violence Prevention program (MVP) to
Sox minor league players, an effort piloted
last March at the club’s spring training
headquarters in Fort Meyers, Florida.
MVP teaches strategies players can employ
to handle challenging social situations
without resorting to violence. The New
England Patriots have been using the program
for more than seven years.
When people ask me
“What can I do to help?”
I say, if you have children,
teach them—just set a
good example. That’s more
important than anything else—
having a good relationship
with your spouse in front
of your child.
Peter Roby, the center’s executive director,
cited Lisa’s story and Gabe’s role in
her healing when he approached the Red
Sox about working with MVP. “That was
a perfect example of how guys, sensitive
and loving, can change lives,” he told The
Boston Globe’s Gordon Edes. “She was in a
relationship that was bad, she met [Gabe],
and he helped to turn her whole life
around.”
To find out more about his views on masculinity
and the new foundation, among
other questions, I interviewed Gabe Kapler
just after Labor Day, before he headed to
Fenway Park to prepare for a game.
Can you talk about what you see as the
responsibility of athletes to speak out against
domestic violence?
Pro athletes have a responsibility, regardless
of the cause, to help people in less
fortunate situations than they are in,
whether financially, donating time, giving
autographs, whatever. There are many
important causes—domestic violence just
happened to hit home with my family. It’s
learned that the recipient organization was
Jane Doe, Inc., the Massachusetts coalition
of battered women’s shelters and sexual
assault prevention centers, she decided the
moment had arrived to share her secret.
Prior to the picnic, a representative from
Jane Doe met with the wives at Fenway
Park. During the meeting the Jane Doe
official caught everyone off guard, revealing
that one of their own had been a victim
of dating violence. That was Lisa’s cue. It
was the first step in telling her story.
She didn’t offer details then, a story in
The Boston Globe published last summer
reported. But as she thought about it more
she felt a strong pull to go public. Lisa says
she wanted to show “that this can happen
to a girl from a suburban family with two
parents.” Popular, a member of the high
school drill team, a student with good
friends and good grades, she says she “was
raised by a mom and stepfather who were
loving with each other. I never witnessed
abuse of any kind.”
At the picnic I met Lisa and described
the work of the MRC, including giving her
a video about the organization. After going
home and watching the tape, Lisa says she
was excited about the center’s work. Five
days later she and her two young sons
drove out from Boston to visit the MRC.
“When I first started to speak out I was
aware that I didn’t have any information
about what men were doing to challenge
domestic violence,” Lisa said recently. “I
knew there was something missing. When
I watched the video and met with the folks
at the MRC, I knew I had another important
piece of the puzzle. Gabe and I have
been really glad to be collaborating with
the MRC.” That collaboration has included
Gabe and Lisa’s sponsorship two years in
a row of the MRC’s annual Men’s Walk to
End Abuse, including facilitating publicity
for the walk on radio and television broadcasts
of Red Sox games, as well as postings
on the video message center that hovers
above the Fenway Park outfield.
For its part, the Boston Red Sox, along
with its many involvements in the local
community and with groups around New
England, has found a place for continuing
to pay attention to the domestic violence
issue. The Sox had to deal with the issue in
1997, when former outfielder Wil Cordero
was arrested on domestic assault and batan
incredible platform for me as a positive
role model, presenting myself as a male
who is a strong advocate of having a
healthy relationship.
What was it in your makeup in high school
that led you to respond the way you did when
you met Lisa and learned about her previous
abusive relationship?
It’s tough because there are so many facets.
I had two parents who have open communication
in their relationship. Like anyone,
their relationship may not have been
perfect. But there was never any lack of
verbal communication—that was always
present in our house. I noticed with Lisa
that was a hurdle early in our relationship.
I knew the relationship she had prior to
me was a violent one, and that she was a
little bit violent herself. I think that was
an eye-opening experience for me. I had
parents who would not let emotions simmer,
they got everything out right away. I
watched that as a child growing up. From
what I saw it was always verbal, and more
times than not in an effort to resolve an
issue they would use words rather than
being abusive.
A year and a half ago came the Picnic in the
Park, and Lisa began speaking out. How do
you feel about what she’s doing, about her
voice as an empowered woman and the road
she’s been traveling?
I think it’s great that she has the courage
to tell her story. Because she is very charismatic—when
she speaks, people listen.
She has that gift. It was so important for
her to tell her story. She was always very
emotional about it, which is great. It’s
powerful—the sadness, anger, emotion
coming in, telling her story to teenage
girls or whoever may be listening. I think
we both realize that it’s our responsibility
to be able to share, not only financially,
but to have a hands-on experience with
it, which becomes so rewarding. It makes
our lives better.
Talk about the idea of organizing the Gabe
Kapler Foundation.
We had talked many times over the course
of the last three or four years about how
we could contribute financially, kicking
around the idea of working with several
continued on page 16
FALL 2005 •
9

Why Men and Women Must Work Together
to End Domestic Violence
By Marian Kent
• Voice Male
“If we want to truly end
domestic violence,men and
women must begin to work
together. And not just token
collaboration here or there,
either—true partnership,
true commitment is required.”
Rob Okun, executive director of
The Men’s Resource Center
for Change and Marian Kent,
executive director of Safe Passage.
H
istorically, the battered
women’s movement
has been just that—a
movement consisting of
women counseling and
sheltering, advocating and agitating,
in support of and on behalf of other
women who have been abused. In the
process of building this movement,
women have created a highly effective
national network to achieve safety for
themselves and their children and to
remake their lives. At the same time,
pro-feminist men committed to ending
violence have worked with other
men, in consciousness-raising groups,
through education and batterers’ intervention
programs, to support men and
challenge violence.
As effective as these movements have
been, the still alarming rate of domestic
violence incidents and casualties
requires us to think and act differently.
If we want to truly end domestic violence,
men and women must begin
to work together. And not just token
collaboration here or there, either—
true partnership, true commitment is
required.
Imagine men and women, families,
youth and elders, people of different
cultures and groups—entire communities—coming
forward together to reject
violence. Imagine a community taking
the position that no matter what its
members might be facing, no matter
their problems or stresses or hardships,
using violence against a loved
one is not the answer. Imagine people
being supported in their times of crisis
so that they have alternatives to
battering as a means of grasping for
power. Imagine couples and families,
where safety allows, being supported
in working through their issues
together, transforming their relationships,
and remaining together instead
of separating.
This is the vision Safe Passage, the
battered women’s organization I direct
in Northampton, Massachusetts, and
the Men’s Resource Center for Change,
colleagues headquartered in nearby
Amherst, share as we commit to a new,
historic partnership, working closely
together toward truly ending family
violence. Recognizing that most of the
work of each of our organizations has
been focused on intervention, we plan
to focus on prevention, in addition
to the crucial services we are already
providing.
Until now, Safe Passage’s safety and
intervention work has by necessity
usually required a focus on separation—supporting
women in leaving
their abusers and starting fresh from
a secure place. Although the MRC’s
batterer intervention work through its
Moving Forward program (formerly
MOVE) makes no assumptions about
the partner leaving or staying in the
relationship, it is not uncommon for
the MRC to be working with the men
after their partners have left. Because
both organizations have made a strong
commitment to women’s safety and to
ending men’s violence against women,
we know that some members of our
community perceive both of us as “antimale”
or “anti-family.” In order for these
perceptions to change and in order for
us to reach everyone in the community
who needs our services, we need to
transform our approach to families and
communities.
Where in the past women—and
women’s groups—may have been skeptical
about working with men against
battering, Safe Passage now sees working
together as vital to ending domestic
violence and in fact to the health of the
movement. We are clear that women
and men must work together in order
to respond to people and families holistically.
Our commitment is strong, as
indicated by these new developments:
Safe Passage has recently hired our
first-ever male staff member—our new
volunteer coordinator. Also in recent
months, our board of directors took the
historic step of changing its bylaws to
include men as members.
The plan for Safe Passage and the
Men’s Resource Center for Change moving
forward together includes engaging
Photo by Tom Chen
10

citizens in identifying which strategies
will work for specific communities—
strategies for engaging both men and
women to take a stand against violence.
We are identifying new ways of
working together to provide services to
intact families in their communities—to
transform our services for families and
communities.
An exciting project we are developing
together is called “Supporting Boys
from Safe Passage House.” This pilot
program will send MRC staff members
into Safe Passage’s domestic violence
shelter to provide services for boys
currently or formerly residing there.
This project recognizes that for the sons
of women who are survivors of domestic
violence, the journey to healthy
manhood is bound to be especially
difficult.
Boys whose mothers flee abuse with
their children and take refuge in a battered
women’s shelter may have scant
opportunity for positive experiences
with men. The behavior the boys have
witnessed—usually, their dads abusing
their moms—reflects the worst aspects
of men’s socialization: too many men
act violently, in part to mask their own
hurt, fear, and confusion. These boys
are vulnerable and at significant risk.
Our project is an attempt to reflect
and model positive male behavior and
relationships with men, so that these
precious boys will grow up to be loving,
nurturing partners and fathers
themselves.
In the end, it’s such a simple question
with an obvious answer: Aren’t
we stronger and more effective working
together? Isn’t the community better
and more holistically served when
men and women unite against abuse?
Absolutely. We are truly excited about
working closely with our allies and
friends at the Men’s Resource Center for
Change—and with men, women, and
families—to create a community where
violence is not the answer. VM
10 Ways Men Can Challenge Domestic Violence
1.
Challenging domestic violence starts with ourselves. We need
to honestly examine our own attitudes and actions that
perpetuate sexism and violence and work toward changing them.
2.
Be honest. Expect to make mistakes.
3.
Create support systems with other men who are willing to
examine these issues.
4.
Think individually and with other men about the components
of a healthy relationship.
5.
Think individually and with other men about what it means
to be “masculine.” How do we expand that definition to
include a greater range of human experience?
6.
Read about and learn from others about domestic violence.
Remember: it is not about anger, it is about power and
control. It is about fear and involves more than
physical and verbal abuse.
7.
Ask other men specifically about their behaviors, particularly
if you have any reason to suspect violence. Help them define
those actions and attitudes as dangerous, let them
know that you do not support and will not tolerate
any behaviors that demean women or Are abusive.
Try to find ways to do this that connect you to the
person in a caring, direct manner.
8.
Remember that anytime someone makes a sexist comment
or refers uncritically to violence against women and
no one says anything about it—they are essentially
condoning the comment.
9.
Volunteer your time or donate money to organizations
that work to end domestic violence.
10.
Get involved. Discuss, educate, organize.
Marian Kent is the executive director
of Safe Passage, the battered women’s
agency serving Hampshire County,
Massachusetts.
—Russell Bradbury Carlin, Director, Moving Forward program, Men’s Resource Center for Change.
Adapted from “How Men Can Challenge Rape” by Tom Schiff.
FALL 2005 •
11

Encouraging Men to Change
The Long Road Back from Abuse
By Rob Okun
• Voice Male
M
ake no mistake. There
is no excuse, ever,
for anyone—male
or female—to abuse
another human being.
It’s also true that most men don’t act
abusively. Still, too many men do, and
their behavior has a ripple effect—violence
in the home is directly connected
to violence in the world. That understanding
guides the work of a growing
number of men’s centers and initiatives
around the U.S. and the world, including
Voice Male’s publisher, the Men’s
Resource Center for Change (MRC).
It explains why this growing coalition
believes domestic abuse is a men’s issue,
a fathers’ issue, a coaches’ and teachers’
issue. Men have a lot to gain from taking
the issue on.
Every week in pockets around the U.S.,
programs like the MRC’s Moving Forward
run groups for men who’ve acted abusively.
These groups, often co-led by a
man and a woman, teach practical strategies
the men can employ as an alternative
to lashing out. Participants come mandated
by the court or “voluntarily”—some
of the latter have been urged to enroll by
an at-her-wits’-end partner, a therapist, a
relative or friend.
It is demanding work, and progress is
slow. How could it be otherwise—undoing
30 or 40 years of ingrained behaviors in 30
or 40 weeks? But the rewards are priceless.
I remember a man in one of the groups
I led I’ll call “Jimmy” who, besides being
emotionally abusive to his wife, was also
physically abusing his teenage son. One
night, in the group, Jimmy had a memory
come back to him, strong and clear.
“I was seven and a bigger kid would
terrorize me after school, choking me,”
he shared. “My dad used to pick me up
but usually he’d arrive after the bully had
left. I was too ashamed to tell him what
“My dad yelled to me—and I’ll never forget it—‘Push his
face in the ground. Make him eat dirt!’ That was what I was
taught. That’s why I think it’s okay to beat the crap out of my
son. Why did it take 37 years before I realized how screwed
up my thinking has been?”
was happening, afraid of what he’d say.
One day he came early and witnessed
the bully grabbing me around the neck.
When he let me go, instead of comforting
me, my father glared and said, ‘Go
back and hit him! Knock him down. Let
him have it!’ Even though he was bigger,
I was full of adrenaline and fear, so I
knocked the bully down and got on top
of him and whaled away. My dad yelled
to me—and I’ll never forget it—‘Push his
face in the ground. Make him eat dirt!’”
At that moment, Jimmy began to shake
and the tears came. All eyes in the group
were on him. When his sobbing had
subsided, he looked up and said, “That
was what I was taught. That’s why I
think it’s okay to beat the crap out of
my son.” And then he said quietly, “Why
did it take 37 years before I realized how
screwed up my thinking has been?”
Of the hundreds of men who have
come through our program, most do
stop their physical violence. Some come
to understand the damage their emotional
and verbal abuse causes and learn
to curb it. Sadly, some take little away
from the tool kit of strategies we offer.
Over the years, former members have
written us letters of appreciation. Some
have been ordered back or have voluntarily
returned to the program. In a few
instances, they have written stories for
Voice Male.
In the Spring 2005 issue, Jake Asbin,
a man serving a 12-month jail sentence
on a domestic assault and battery charge,
wrote remorsefully about abusing his
wife of 12 years and his “stupidity” in
throwing “away a comfortable…happy
lifestyle.” He asked: “How could I resort
to being violent instead of knowing how
to communicate my anger? How did I
allow my anger to consume me? Why
did I hurt the one person who mattered
so much to me?”
“I guess I’m seeking redemption,” he
continued. “I hope so—I have quite a
lot to atone for…I have learned and
appreciated the [Moving Forward group]
the most…I guess every man dreams of
a second chance. I hope I will get that
chance someday, when I finally forgive
myself. Until that happens, however, I
must always take full responsibility for
what I did.”
In November, hundreds of people who
work with men acting abusively in programs
around the United States and abroad
will convene in Detroit for a major batterers’
intervention conference. What they
have come to understand is that the road
back from abuse and toward accountability
is arduous, long and winding. But those
who have walked it for decades now know
that it’s a journey worth taking. VM
Rob Okun is executive director of the Men’s
Resource Center for Change and the editor
of Voice Male. A version of this column
originally appeared in the September issue
of The Women’s Times.
12

Saying Yes to Nonviolence
I
am a male anthropologist teaching at a university in Sendai, Japan, a northern
city on the island of Honshu. I am married and have a son. I have been
actively involved in the Japanese grassroots movement confronting domestic
violence and other forms of violence against women for some time.
Violence against women is as rampant in Japan as in the United States. Like
many of you reading this, no doubt, I was forced by my feminist friends to
confront male perpetrators of violence: “After all,” they said, “you are a man
too, aren’t you? Do something about those violent guys!” Partly as a result,
I took a four-day course on counseling batterers at Emerge in Cambridge,
Mass., in 2001, and have been in regular touch with the Men’s Resource
Center for Change for more than three years now.
Recently, I had to help my son write an essay on peace. We went on the
Internet and found out that the United Nations had declared 2001–2010 as
the International Decade for a Culture of Peace and Non-violence for the
children of the world. UNESCO is mainly in charge of the related activities,
and they are calling for people to sign Manifesto 2000 for a culture of peace
and nonviolence, a six-point pledge drafted by a group of Nobel Peace Prize
recipients. The six key points of the Manifesto are:
Looking to Connect?
Try the MRC’s Drop-in
MEN’S
SUPPORT
GROUPS
IN NORTHAMPTON
Open to all men.
Tuesdays, 6:45-8:45 PM
Council on Aging, 240 Main St.
IN AMHERST
Open to all men.
Sundays, 7-9 PM at the MRC
Respect all life
Reject violence
Share with others
Listen to understand
Preserve the planet
Rediscover solidarity
It is so ironic—no, tragic—that the decade for peace and nonviolence
started with September 11, 2001, and the subsequent retaliatory violence by
the United States and its allies (including Japan). And halfway through this
decade, we have seen nothing but violence on a global scale.
We have to do something to change the global culture of violence to a
culture of peace, but how can we do so if we grow up in violent families?
Nurturing and fostering a culture of peace must begin in our homes, and that
means we have to do something about abuse in our homes.
This may be no suprise to American readers of Voice Male, but it’s real fresh
news here in Japan.
My son and I both signed the Manifesto. I think it’s a good start. Now we
have to keep the six pledges in our home, our neighborhood, our country,
and beyond. I would like to invite you to do the same.
Manifesto 2000 was publicly unveiled on March 4, 1999, in Paris, and has
been signed by many people around the world, including such luminaries
as the Dalai Lama, Rigoberta Menchu, Elie Wiesel, Desmond Tutu, Vaclav
Havel, and Coretta Scott King. To add your signature and your support and
for more information on this important document, visit the UNESCO website
(http://www3.unesco.org/iycp/uk/uk_sommaire.htm).
—Ichiro Numazaki
IN GREENFIELD
Open to all men.
Wednesdays, 7-9 PM
Network Chiropractic,
DHJones Building, Mohawk Trail
FOR GAY, BISEXUAL &
QUESTIONING MEN
Open to all gay, bisexual,
gay-identified F-to-M trans men
& men questioning orientation
Mondays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC
FOR MEN WHO HAVE
EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD
NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE
Open to all men who have
experienced any form of childhood
neglect and/or abuse
(physical, emotional or sexual)
Fridays, 7-8:30 PM, at the MRC
FACILITATED BY
TRAINED VOLUNTEERS
FREE & CONFIDENTIAL
MEN’S RESOURCE CENTER
236 N. PLEASANT ST., AMHERST
(413) 253-9887, ext. 10
aarnaboldi@mrcforchange.org
FALL 2005 •
13

Lessons from Grand-Jack
Color Lines
• Voice Male
By Haji Shearer
My grandfather-in-law
died last week. I’ve been
thinking about what his
life meant to me. He was
married and divorced
three times. A smart man, he clearly had a
desire for connectedness, but never figured
out how to make intimacy work. That
he kept trying I find admirable, but I’m
saddened that the simple tools that might
have saved any of his marriages were not
available or attractive enough to be of use
to him—skills like reflective listening, creative
problem solving, and surrendering to
the highest truth.
Grand-Jack did not suffer fools gladly.
I never thought of him as mean, but “gruff”
and “ornery” definitely fit. He was in many
ways a “man’s man,” a product of his times.
He was what I think of as a “World War Two
Negro.” Educated in segregated schools in
Boston, served in a segregated Navy, one of
the few blacks at Northeastern University
in the 1950s, the only black draftsman at a
major architectural firm for most of his 20-
year tenure—and still he managed to love
America and her institutions.
The impact of race and gender on
African-American relationships is important,
and often understated. How did the
racism that Grand-Jack endured in school,
the military, and at work contribute to
his tendency to be short-tempered and
impatient with loved ones? How did the
patriarchal culture of the military that he
loved shut down some of his innate tenderness
and compassion? That he was violated
by ubiquitous racist prejudices and misled
by a toxic patriarchy I have no doubt. My
question is, how did that affect his three
marriages and his subsequent estrangement
from his only child?
Grand-Jack valued discipline and his lifelong
attraction to the military only added
to his proclivity to be rigid and stone-faced,
even when a situation called for openness
“How did the racism that
Grand-Jack endured in
school, the military, and
at work contribute to his
tendency to be short-
tempered and impatient
with loved ones?”
The author’s wife,
Jasmin, with her late
grandfather, known
as “Grand-Jack.”
and flexibility. Being the only black in a
white professional environment, especially
during the fifties and sixties when integration
was an unfamiliar practice in this
country, necessitated creating and maintaining
sophisticated masks. How difficult
was it to remove those masks at home
when dealing with a wife and daughter?
When I began to visit Grand-Jack in
the early 1990s, the three marriages were
behind him. He had been a bachelor for
20 years and had no contact with his only
child, my mother-in-law. Neither did I
win easy acceptance from him. To Grand-
Jack, the dreadlocks that hung halfway
down my back identified me as an enemy
of his value system. I didn’t share his high
regard for the military, and his assumption
that I used illegal intoxicants was correct,
nor could I even claim to be a jazz
aficionado like him, but I had one ace in
the hole. By a wonderful synchronicity,
Grand-Jack and my parents had been
good friends before I was born. So even if
I had strayed from the path, he reasoned
that I came from good stock and thus cut
me some slack.
Although he would not say it and acted
as if it were not so, I believe Grand-Jack still
craved connectedness. And, if it seemed
to him as if all his progeny were growing
dreadlocks, using drugs, and thinking seditious
thoughts, I had another characteristic
in my favor. I was a man, and understood
masculine culture. Certainly I was not
the type of man Grand-Jack would have
designed for a son or grandson, but I was
what he had, and I understood the patriarchy
he loved more than the females in
our family. Although I no longer practiced
patriarchy uncritically, I still had empathy
for his loyalty to it.
My wife and I were welcome in his home,
though he didn’t reach out to us except in
times of crisis. When we visited him, the
routine never varied. He’d greet us at the
door, we’d initiate hugs (I’m sure he would
have been content with a handshake from
me), then he’d usher us into his sitting
room. We’d sit on the faux red leather sofa
and he’d rest his behind on the barstool in
front of his well-equipped stereo cabinet,
facing us across a coffee table. This allowed
him to slightly bend his knees, retaining
most of his standing height so he could
lord over us while we reported our current
subversive pursuits.
This may sound stuffy and formal, but
there was an air of pantomime about it as
well. It was clear to me that we were all
playing roles expected of us, and while
our lives may not have intersected at great
length, this was an important and enjoyable
ritual. Grand-Jack had a signature
reaction to our exploits that I remember
with great fondness. We’d be telling him
why we didn’t eat meat, or how we were
going on a meditation retreat, or any of
the thousands of other ideas and behaviors
that contradicted his value system, and
he’d look at us in disbelief, make one of the
disapproving grunts he liberally employed,
Photo courtesy of Haji Shearer
14

lift his hand to the height of his head and
push the space in front of him as if he were
pushing us away. At the same time, he’d
turn his face away as if disgusted.
The whole series of actions took only a
second and was a normal part of conversation
with him. When his face turned back
toward us, his gaze would be intense and
he might offer a harsh explanation for his
disapproval or he might just let the gesture
stand by itself. In moments of clarity, I
could discern a twinkle in his eye that
acknowledged humor in the gesture, but
there was an unmistakable honesty to it
as well. I’m sure my wife and I, in our
unabashed enthusiasm for the new and
weird, shared some thoughts that deserved
the brushoff. At other times, I’m sure his
disapproval was without merit. But our
interactions with him lacked full emotional
intimacy. There was an unspoken agreement
that we would get only so close to
avoid heated arguments. It would have
been difficult for us to be truly intimate
with him.
After we bought our first house last
year, Grand-Jack called and said he wanted
to see only me. This was unprecedented.
Of course, I anticipated that he
was going to give us some kind of gift for
the house. As I sat on the sofa looking up
at him, he asked how much closing costs
were. I told him about $4000. From his
pocket he produced a fat bank envelope,
thrust it in front of me and demanded,
“Count it.” It contained forty $100 bills.
After receiving my deep appreciation,
he explained he was giving the money
to me because he didn’t like the way his
granddaughter handled money. (I had to
agree she sometimes prioritized things I
also felt were nonessential!) This transaction
opened a new level of relationship
between us. No longer did I feel that he
was just Jasmin’s cranky granddad whom
I visited out of respect for her. I now
felt an independent obligation to him
because of the generous gift.
After the move, our family no longer
lived as close to Grand-Jack, but my job
was still a few minutes away so I checked
in on him more by myself. For five or
six months, I visited Grand-Jack almost
weekly. I dropped off war movies and dramas
(he was partial to Denzel Washington)
I borrowed for him from the library and
would go by the next week to pick them
up. We had some nice conversations during
those visits. It was easier to talk to
him when my wife wasn’t around. A few
months before he passed I asked what he
thought happened after death. He told me
nothing happened: this was it. No life, no
thought, no awareness after death. I had to
give him credit for consistency. Even staring
death in the face, he refused to give in to
what he considered sentimentality. I shared
my view of the eternal life of the soul and
the process of reincarnation allowing us to
evolve into perfect union with our Creator.
He was silent. Maybe he was too weak or
tired to give me the brushoff—or maybe a
part of him hoped I was right.
The dozen or so family and friends who
gathered at our home following his burial
showed me another side of Grand-Jack.
There was the man who loved flashy cars,
who loved to ride horses; who, even after
the estrangement from his daughter, used
to take younger family members to see
the Blue Angels. But despite his success
overcoming racism, in the end it was his
allegiance to patriarchy and its toxic residue
that kept breaking his heart.
Sometimes, alone with Grand-Jack, I
shared my own marriage challenges as I
did with other male friends. It was clear he
had no stomach for the dance of intimacy
I was engaged in with his granddaughter;
I believe at times he wanted to advise me
to divorce her. Yet I hope he also saw the
joy and deep communion that’s grown
through our trials and apogees. Now and
then, when I feel like Grand-Jack and just
want to walk away, I see him with the walls
around his heart, and I take a deep breath
and listen to love. VM
Haji Shearer is happily married (most of
the time) to Jack Davis’s granddaughter,
Jasmin. They live with their teenage son
and preteen daughter. Haji leads workshops
for men and couples and is co-producing a
documentary film, Reconcilable Differences:
Men Learning to Love, to be released in
early 2006.
FALL 2005 •
15

• Voice Male
Double Play continued from page 9
different organizations around domestic
violence, and we realized this was a perfect
fit. We wanted to be a part of [domestic
violence prevention work] in an ongoing
way for hopefully the rest of our lives,
making, number one, a financial contribution,
and definitely making it our numberone
time commitment. We got my mom
involved working on the project. When I
have time away from baseball I’ll ultimately
have more time to spend on it.
What do you see as the role of
fathers,teachingtheirsonstorespect
girls and women—and other boys
and men?
To me, that is the most important
question, the most important
aspect of all of this. When
people ask me “What can I do to
help?” I say, if you have children,
you’re going to teach them—
just set a good example. That’s
more important than anything
else—having a good relationship
with your spouse in front of your
child—not to be separate, or try
to guard them from it, but let
them watch that—when there’s
a conflict, great or small, in the
house. I watch my older son, almost six,
he hears everything, every conversation.
His internal computer is firing away, and
I have a responsibility, and his mother has
a responsibility as well, to work through
problems, verbally, not to give up, not hide
from them, but to be responsible.
Kidsareexposedtosomanyunhealthyimages
inthisculture.Whatcouldprofessionalathletes
dotomodelsomethingdifferent?Sincechangingourideasaboutmen,redefiningmasculinity,
is often seen as too “soft” for the public to
accept, how do pro athletes walk that line?
It’s tough. I have some very strong feelings
about this particular issue. I don’t claim
to be an expert. It’s important that we
maintain our masculinity. I think it’s great
to present a strength. It can be dangerous
to present too soft a masculinity. There’s
a way to balance strength and intelligence
and nonviolence. I’d point to Martin
Luther King. I think he presented a strong
masculine, nonviolent, positive role model
for men.
How do you walk that line as a father with
your own sons? One is in kindergarten and
one is in preschool, right?
Yes. If I’m playing with my boys and one
falls and gets hurt, my first initial reaction
is to be nurturing—“Are you okay?”
And then, if I feel there’s manipulation
involved, getting a little bit more attention
out of this, that’s where the strength comes
in. “I know your finger hurts, but it’s time
to move on.” That’s what we’re trying to
find, there is a balance, there’s both sides.
Gabe and Lisa Kapler and their two sons, Chase and Dane,
celebrate after winning the World Series in 2004.
What kind of influence do male pro athletes
have off the field?
From a celebrity standpoint, I believe there
are a lot of positive male role models. I
don’t know that you see a lot of interaction
between a father and son on TV, though.
I watch [father and son interaction] on a
daily basis in the clubhouse, the different
approaches the guys take. The music that’s
always on in the clubhouse is interesting—and
how the guys try to shield their
sons from the [harsher lyrics] or just say
that’s what it’s like in the clubhouse and I
don’t want you using these words outside.
There’s a lot of very strong lyrics in our
clubhouse, whether it’s hip-hop or rock.
From a male role model standpoint I think
we’ve had generally bad, terrible role models.
But a good parent far overshadows
those models. I don’t think a kid is going
to listen to 50 Cent, a big rapper, over their
father and how he talks in front of them.
How do you see consciousness raising efforts
like the MRC’s Men’s Walk to End Abuse? Is it
effective as a way to get men involved, to show
that domestic violence is not just a women’s
issue? It’s true that most men are decent and
not abusers, but what’s their responsibility?
That is my dad [you’re describing]. That
is what he preached in my house. “This is
our issue”—nonviolence, sexism, racism
were huge issues in my house. My dad is,
or was, a political activist and still has very
strong feelings and gets involved. Growing
up, those are things my dad preached—he
walked the walk also. He was involved in
men’s groups, talking about feelings, men’s
issues, sexism… Growing up, I
never realized the importance of
listening to my dad talk about
this stuff. As an adult, you realize
how important your parents are.
My son Chase may not care that
much what I’m talking about, but
from a subconscious, subliminal
standpoint it sinks in. From my
dad, it was all subliminal, but
now I get it, and I’m more compassionate
without even knowing
it, because of that. I have so much
respect for that, and appreciate
Boston.com Photo / Eric Wilbur
it so much. I think a lot of men
are close-minded because they
saw their dad beat up their mom,
they saw an abusive relationship,
whether verbal or physical.
Your father was a music teacher…
He was a piano teacher, always writing
music, always playing the piano. I remember
him starting a company to do performances
for kids, birthday parties, and he
taught at the elementary school. That was
difficult for me. It’s always difficult for a
kid to have their mom or dad be a teacher
at their school.
Thelinebetweenbeingtoughandstrongand
compassionate is challenging to walk. Do you
think your dad integrated that?
I think he talked more about compassion
than anything else… He wasn’t always the
most patient man [so] I saw both sides of
it. If it was up to him, he may not have
shown me that impatient side. He has a
real strength to him. I watched him in
a classroom setting. He could get mad.
When he would talk and he was serious
it was time to listen. But there was always
compassion.
continued on page 26
16

Red Sox and Yankees Agree: Let's Strike Out Domestic Violence
T
he Gabe Kapler Foundation has been
under way for less than a year but
already its impact is being felt. Its goal of preventing
domestic violence by addressing the
needs of abused women and their children
also includes promoting healthy masculinity.
Lisa Kapler, the victim of an abusive relationship
throughout much of high school,
has become an outspoken advocate for educating
young people about the dangers of
domestic abuse. Gabe, who is convinced that
men have an obligation to speak out against
domestic violence, believes men can serve as
role models for boys and other men regarding
how they treat girls and women.
Gabe’s parents, both educators, have been intimately
involved with the foundation from the outset and his mother,
Judy Kapler, is coordinating the foundation’s activities. These
include: supporting a reception in connection with the Los
Angeles opening of the Clothesline Project exhibit at the
Jewish Federation of Los Angeles, featuring original T-shirts
abuse survivors produced; providing playground equipment
and additional childcare for a Los Angeles battered
women’s shelter; and helping to forge an innovative collaboration
between a Massachusetts shelter, Safe Passage, and the
Men’s Resource Center for Change to provide
positive male role models for children in the
shelter. Funding for the foundation has been
provided by money personally donated by
Gabe and Lisa and through donations made
to the Gabe Kapler Foundation, whose website
is www.kaplerfoundation.org.
Joe Torre’s Safe at Home Foundation,
meanwhile, grew out of Torre’s personal
experience. The former major league player
and longtime manager of the New York
Yankees created the foundation more than
two years ago in memory of his mother, a
victim of abuse at the hands of his father.
The foundation’s guiding principle is that
every child has the right to be safe at home, Torre believes.
Home should be a sanctuary, a safe harbor from any storm. Yet
for many children, home is a place of danger and fear of an
abusive adult, as Torre remembers. He lived it as a child. Even
in his formative years, Joe stayed away from home, fearful of
his own father. As Joe became a father himself, he realized that
no child should have to live with that fear. It was in that spirit,
and in memory of his mother, Margaret, that the Joe Torre Safe
at Home Foundation was established. For more information, go
to www.joetorre.net.
Bill Gallo, www.joetorre.net
FALL 2005 •
17

Beyond Male and Female
On the Border: A Eunuch’s Tale
• Voice Male
Outlines • Gay & Bisexual Voices
By Richard Wassersug
I
am a eunuch.
Chances are you already know
others like me, although they
may not have revealed their
physical status. There are tens
of thousands of us in the world today,
simply because castration is used to treat
prostate cancer.
Each year more than 40,000 men in
North America die of prostate cancer.
Along the way virtually all of us who
have failed potentially curative procedures,
or whose disease has progressed
too far to be cured, are offered either
surgical or chemical castration as the
next treatment option. Castration reduces
production of testosterone, the male
hormone that stimulates prostate cell
growth. Given the choice—early death
or castration—the majority of us opt for
castration. Regardless of which method
we choose, the results are the same: we
remain genetic males, but without the
hormone that made us masculine.
Few people can spot a male castrated
after puberty out on the street. We are
not sopranos. We still have facial hair,
although it grows more slowly than most
guys’. However, in the months following
castration, our penises shrink (as
do the testicles of those who’ve opted
for the chemical procedure) and we
start to grow small breasts. Most of our
body hair disappears. Thus in the locker
room we do look different from “intact”
males. We even smell different—maybe,
in fact, better—since we don’t have the
hormones that promote the pheromones
that give sexually mature males their
musky odor.
Few castrated men would ever call
themselves “eunuchs” or even acknowledge
their condition, for there is little
pride in being castrated. I’d like to
change that. I believe there are some
pluses to my hormonal state, and in
“I now live in an expanded gendered
world beyond the male-female dyad;
one without borders constrained or
constricted by steroid-stoked sexual
compulsion. ”
accepting my status as a eunuch I have
discovered, for example, that my brain
works very differently without testosterone
and there are things I understand
now that I never understood as an
uncastrated male. To use these insights
well has taken a willingness on my part
to view the world in ways I never did
before. This skill hasn’t come easily or
instantly.
As a eunuch I think less about raw
sex, but I do not think less about people.
A beautiful woman is still a beautiful
woman. Now, though, with a brain
freed from the tyranny of testosterone,
for the first time in my life I can begin
to see the world more the way women
see it. Cognitive research has shown,
for example, that women are better
than men at correctly reading facial
expressions and nonverbal signals from
others. Women make eye contact and
smile more than men. So I now study
faces with the intensity that a woman
might. My previous heterosexual male
fixation on the secondary sexual characteristics
of women (breast size, waistto-hip
ratio) no longer deflects my
attention.
Since becoming a eunuch, I can see
the profound beauty in women’s eyes
and the emotional nuances of their facial
expressions. I see beyond the corporal
exterior, far deeper than before. I can
now locate and decode smiles in eyes
alone. And when I do detect those
smiles, I smile back. Before, I never
thought to look.
In fact I have discovered that my
newfound ability to make eye contact
and see beauty in subtle, nonverbal
expression has opened the way for me to
see beauty in the faces of males as well
as females. I now live in an expanded
gendered world beyond the male-female
dyad; one without borders constrained
or constricted by steroid-stoked sexual
compulsion. And, as I’ve explored this
broadened world, I’ve discovered to my
surprise that, although I am no longer
driven by sexual needs, I am definitely
not asexual. Even orgasms are possible.
Castration has given me an expanded
social capability; but now I’m controlling
my sexuality rather than it controlling
me. The more I have come to accept my
altered gender status, and the more open
I have been about it, the richer my life
has become.
Why then have so few castrated men
embarked on the journey I seem to
be on?
I believe most men perceive eunuchcontinued
on page 22
18

For more info or to submit new entries for GBQ Resources contact us
at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 or voicemale@mrcforchange.org
AIDS CARE/Hampshire County
Contact: (413) 586-8288. Buddy Program,
transportation, support groups and much
more free of charge to people living
with HIV.
AIDS Project of Southern Vermont
Contact: (802) 254-4444. Free, confidential
HIV/AIDS services, including support,
prevention counseling and volunteer
opportunities.
Continuum
Support group for the gender variant/
transgender community. Goal: to provide
support/ resources to individuals dealing
with gender, and to provide a space where
medical transition is not central. Meetings:
third Tuesday of the month, at PrideZone
in Northampton, from 7 - 9 p.m. For more
information/directions contact Zane Barlow
at (413) 221-5769 or email
zane_Barlow@yahoo.com.
East Coast Female-to-Male Group
Contact: Bet Powers (413) 584-7616,
P.O. Box 60585 Florence, Northampton,
MA 01062, betpower@yahoo.com. Peer
support group open to all masculine-identified,
female-born persons – FTMs, transmen
of all sexual orientations/identities, crossdressers,
stone butches, transgendered,
transsexuals, non-op, pre-op, post-op,
genderqueer, bi-gendered, questioning –
and our significant others, family, and allies.
Meetings 2nd Sundays inNorthampton,
3-6 p.m.
Free Boyz Northampton
Social/support meetings for people
labeled female at birth who feel that’s not
an accurate description of who they are.
Meet 1st and 3rd Mondays, 7 p.m. at
Third Wave Feminist Booksellers,
42 Green Street, Northampton.
Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men’s
Support Group
Free, drop-in, peer-facilitated. Monday,
7-9 p.m. Men’s Resource Center,
236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA.
or information: Allan Arnaboldi,
(413) 253-9887, ext. 10.
Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project
Support, shelter, advocacy and referral
services for male victims of domestic
violence. Contact: (800) 832-1901.
Offices in eastern and western Mass.
www.gmdvp.org
24 hour hotline: (800) 832-1901
GLAD (Gay & Lesbian Advocates
& Defenders)
Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders
is New England’s leading legal rights
organization dedicated to ending discrimination
based on sexual orientation, HIV
status and gender identity and expression.
Contact: 30 Winter St., Suite 800,
Boston, MA 02108. Tel: (617) 426-1350,
Fax: (617) 426-3594, gladlaw@glad.org,
www.glad.org. Legal Information Hotline:
(800) 455-GLAD (4523). GLAD’s
Legal Information Hotline is completely
confidential.
Trained volunteers work one-on-one with
callers to provide legal information, support
and referrals within New England.Weekday
afternoons, 1:30-4:30; English and Spanish.
GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight
Society) GLBT Youth Group of
Franklin County
Meets every Wednesday evening in
Greenfield. Info: (413) 774-7028.
HIV Testing Online: (800) 750-2016.
Men’s Health Project
Contact: Hutson Innis (413) 747-5144.
Education, prevention services, and counseling
for men’s health issues, especially
HIV/AIDS. Springfield, Northampton,
Greenfield. Tapestry Health Services.
Monadnock Gay Men
www.monadnockgaymen.com or e-mail
monadgay@aol.com.
PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends
of Lesbians and Gays)
PFLAG-Pioneer Valley. Movie and pizza
night, groups for parents and transgendered
people. Contact: Jane Harris, pflagpv@
valinet.com, (413) 625-6636.
Help Line: (413) 625-6636.
Speakers Bureau: (978) 562-4176.
Pride Zone - GLBT Youth Group of the
Pioneer Valley
Meetings every Thursday at Pride
Zone Center, 34 Maplewood Shops,
Northampton. Socializing, discussions,
and games. Open for evening drop-ins
Sunday, Monday, Thursday, Friday.
(413) 584-1116.
Safe Homes: the Bridge of
Central Massachusetts
Providing support and services to gay,
lesbian, bisexual, transgender youth via
a weekly Drop-In Center, community
outreach system and peer leadership
program. Based in Worcester, serving
all towns in region. 4 Mann Street
Worcester, Massachusetts 01602
Phone: 508.755.0333 Fax: 508.755.2191
Web: www.thebridgecm.org/programs.htm
Email: info@thebridgecm.org
SafeSpace
SafeSpace provides information, support,
referrals, and advocacy to lesbian, gay,
bisexual, transgender, queer, and
questioning (LGBTQQ) survivors of
violence and offers education and outreach
programs in the wider community.
P.O. Box 158, Burlington, VT 05402.
Phone: 1-802-863-0003; toll-free
1-866-869-7341. Fax: 1-802-863-0004.
Email: info@safespacevt.org.
Website: www.safespacevt.org
The Stonewall Center
University of Mass., Amherst. A lesbian,
bisexual, gay, and transgender educational
resource center. Contact: (413) 545-4824,
www.umass.edu/stonewall.
Straight Spouse Network
Monthly support group meets in
Northampton, MA, the first Tuesday
from 6-8 p.m. For spouses, past and
present, of lesbian, gay, bisexual or
transgendered partners. Contact:
Jane Harris for support and location,
(413) 625-6636; aharris@valinet.com.
Confidentiality is assured.
The Sunshine Club
Support and educational activities
for transgendered persons.
Info: (413) 586-5004. P.O. Box 564,
Hadley, MA 01305.
Email: av517@osfn.org
www.thesunshineclub.org.
T.H.E. Men’s Program
(Total HIV Education)
Contact: Alex Potter (802) 254-8263,
Brattleboro, VT. Weekly/monthly social
gatherings, workshops, and volunteer
opportunities. Email: eflash@sover.net
Valuable Families
Gatherings and newsletter for everyone
who supports, cherishes, and respects our
lesbian, gay, and bisexual families of origin
and of choice. Info: (413) 774-2558;
P.O. Box 60634, Florence, MA 01061;
valfams@mailcity.com.
Venture Out
Organized activities, usually of the outdoors
variety, for gays and lesbians. Contact:
Elizabeth Wilbranks (413) 527-6582;
P.O. Box 60271, Florence, MA 01062.
Ventureout@geocities.com.
GBQ Resources
FALL 2005 •
19

• Voice Male Men’s Health
What Men Can Do
Preventing Prostate and Testicular Cancer
T
here are many good reasons
for men to take charge
of their health. As we grow
older, the risk of developing
a chronic disease like
cancer increases. Men need to get to
know their bodies, learn the warning
signs of cancer, and follow a healthy
lifestyle.
Prostate Cancer
Prostate cancer refers to a tumor of
the prostate gland, a gland located just
below the bladder where the fluid of
semen is produced. There is no single
cause of prostate cancer, but some
factors appear to increase the risk of
developing it. These include:
• Age—particularly after age 65
(prostate cancer is uncommon in men
under 50)
• Family history of prostate cancer
• African ancestry
• High levels of testosterone
• Using cadmium at work
What can you do?
• If you are over 50 years of age, talk to
your doctor about the risks and benefits
of screening for prostate cancer.
• If you have a higher than average risk
for prostate cancer, you may wish to discuss
the possibility of starting screening
at a younger age.
• Also, watch out for frequent, difficult,
or painful urination; dribbling urination;
urine that contains blood or pus;
pain in the lower back, pelvic area, or
upper thighs; pain during ejaculation.
Testicular Cancer
Although testicular cancer is quite rare,
it is the most common form of cancer
diagnosed in men between the ages of
20 and 45. But it can almost always be
treated successfully.
The testicles are located behind
the penis in a sac called the scrotum.
Testicular cancer may cause one or both
of the testicles to enlarge or it may cause
a lump in the scrotum.
What can you do?
• First, all men age 15 or older should
check their testicles regularly.
• Become familiar with your testicles so
you can detect any changes early; report
any changes to your doctor.
• Have regular medical checkups by
your doctor that include testicular
examination.
• Watch for any change in size, shape,
consistency, swelling, or sensation of
your testicles or scrotum.
• Notice any pain in the testicles or scrotum.
1. Get to know your body.
2. Don’t shrug off the warning signs.
3. Follow a healthy lifestyle.
• Watch out for: a dull ache or heaviness
in your lower abdomen; unusual
and persistent backache; unexplained
weight loss.
Reducing Your Risk
Research continues to show that some
cancers can be prevented. Start with
these steps and begin to reduce your
risk of developing cancer.
1. Get to know your body.
2. Don’t shrug off the warning signs.
3. Follow a healthy lifestyle. VM
Prepared by the Canadian Cancer Society,
this article is used by permission of the
Canadian Health Network.
20

Take Yourself in Hand!
How to Do a Testicular Self-Examination
Testicular self-examination (TSE) is a simple three-step
process that can help you detect testicular cancer early.
All men should perform a TSE once each month from the
time they are 15 years old.
Ideally, you should examine your testicles after a hot bath
or shower because the warmth will cause your testicles to
descend and the skin of your scrotum to relax, making it
easier to feel any lumps, growths or tenderness.
1. Stand in front of the mirror. Look for any swelling on
the skin of your scrotum.
2. Examine each testicle one at a time, placing your index
and middle fingers of both hands on the underside of your
testicle and your thumbs on the top side. Firmly roll your
testicle between your fingers and thumbs, carefully feeling
for any lumps, growths, or sensations of tenderness that
don’t feel normal. It is normal for one of your testicles to
be larger than the other. At the back of each testicle there
is a soft cord. This is the tube that collects and carries your
sperm. It is a normal part of your scrotum. After you have
examined one testicle and cord, check the opposite side.
Some men find that comparing the two sides is helpful.
3. Become familiar with how your scrotum feels so you
will be able to tell if there are any changes over time.
Testicular cancer may not always create a noticeable lump
on your testicle. Other clues to look for include:
• any change in size, shape, tenderness, or sensation of
your testicles or scrotum
• a change in the consistency or swelling of your testicles
or scrotum
• pain in your testicles or scrotum
• a dull ache or heaviness in your lower abdomen
• abnormal and persistent backache
• unexplained weight loss
• breast development
See your doctor right away if you notice any symptoms.
Regular testicular self-examination is an important
health habit, but it can’t replace a doctor’s examination.
Your doctor should check your testicles when you have a
physical exam. You can also ask your doctor to teach you
how to do a testicular self-examination.
—Canadian Cancer Society
A Gift of Hope.
For the Holidays and Beyond.
$14.95 each
(includes shipping)
Order Four or more
for $11.95 each
(includes shipping)
All Proceeds from
Calendar sales
will benefit the
Men’s Resource Center
for Change.
Stunning Photographs of the natural beauty of western Massachusetts. Inspiring Quotations by voices for peace—
Nelson Mandela, Howard Zinn, Gandhi, and more. Created and Produced by Photographer Charlie Hertan
Send checks to: MRC Calendar, 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002
Order online at: www.mrcforchange.org.
For information, contact Gretchen Craig at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 16; gcraig@mrcforchange.org.
FALL 2005 •
21

• Voice Male
Resources
Men’s Resources
(Resources for Gay, Bisexual & Questioning
Men, see page 19)
The American Cancer Society
(413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups,
patient support groups, nutritional supplements,
dressings and supplies, literature,
low-cost housing, and transportation.
Brattleboro Area AIDS Project
(802) 254-4444; free, confidential HIV/AIDS
services, including support, prevention
counseling and volunteer opportunities.
Children’s Aid and Family Service
(413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption
services. Counseling for individuals, families
and children, with a play therapy room for
working with children. Parent aid program
for parents experiencing stress.
HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 750-2016
Interfaith Community Cot Shelter
582-9505(days) or 586-6750(evenings). Overnight
shelter for homeless individuals. 123
Hawley St., Northampton. Doors open at 6 p.m.
Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
(800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-
step groups throughout New England.
TRY Resource/Referral Center for
Adoption Issues
Education and support services for adoptees,
adoptive parents, professionals, etc. Support
group meetings first Wednesday and third
Sunday of each month. Contact: Ann Henry
(413) 584-6599
Fathers
Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns
Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar
association lawyer referral agency. In Mass.
the number is (800) 392-6164. Here are some
websites that may be of use to you:
www.acfc.org *
www.fathering.org
www.dadscan.org
www.divorcedfather.com
www.fatherhoodproject.org
www.dadsrights.org ** (notwww.dadsrights.com)
www.fathers.com
www.fatherhood.org
www.fathersnetwork.org
www.divorcehq.com *
www.divorcewizards.com *
www.geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/
1259/links.htm *
www.menstuff.org/frameindex.html (Fatherstuff)
* good resource
** strongly recommended
At Home Dad
www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad
The Fathers Resource Center
www.slowlane.com/frc
National Fatherhood Initiative
www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet
The Fatherhood Project
www.fatherhoodproject.org
Internet Resources
Men’s Resource Center for Change
www.mrcforchange.org
The Men’s Bibliography
A comprehensive online bibliography of
writing on men, masculinities and sexualities.
www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/mensbiblio/
mensbibliomenu.html
XY Magazine
www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/XY/xyf.htm
Pro-feminist Men’s FAQ
www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/pffaq.html
Pro-feminist Men’s Mail List
www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/profem.html
Violence Statistics
www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/vstats.html
Homophobia and Masculinities Among Young
Men (Lessons in becoming a straight man)
online.anu.edu.au/~a112465/homophobia.html
National Men’s Resource Center
www.menstuff.org
National calendar of events, directory of
men’s services and a listing of books for
positive change in men’s roles and relationships.
The Men’s Issues Page
www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html
100 Black Men, Inc.
www.100bm.org
Pro-feminist Men’s Groups Listing
www.feminist.com/pro.htm
Pro-feminist Mailing List
coombs.anu.edu.au/~gorkin/profem.html
Magazines
Achilles Heel (from Great Britain)
www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achilles/issues.html
XY: men, sex politics (from Australia)
coombs.anu.edu.au/~gorkin/XY/xyintro.htm
Ending Men’s Violence-Real Men
www.cs.utk.edu/~bartley/other/realMen.html
The Men’s Rape Prevention Project
www.mrpp.org/intro.html
Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out
www.geocities.com/CapitalHill/1139/quitporn.html
ROB OKUN
Justice of the Peace
Officiating at Weddings for Couples
in Massachusetts & Beyond
(413) 253-7918
RAOkun@comcast.net
A Eunuch’s Tale continued from page 18
dom as dreadful deprivation, and are
too frightened to give up their core
masculine identity, despite what they
might gain from doing so. Indeed, recent
independent studies out of England,
Australia, Israel, and Canada have all
shown that castrated cancer patients
feel humiliated and ashamed by the
changes they’ve experienced as a result
of their medical treatment. They typically
view those changes as negatives, as
I did at first. And they rarely talk about
those negative feelings—for it is simply
unmanly to discuss feeling unmanly, no
matter how unmanly one feels.
A core part of the problem, I believe,
is the language of emasculation, where
castration is equated with brutal punishment,
mutilation, and total social, as
well as sexual, impotence. I have been
told by a few acquaintances, including
an activist in the prostate cancer community,
that I should avoid the term
eunuch; it’s an insult.
But is this historically valid? Too many
people seem misinformed by mythologies
about eunuchs. They believe that
androgen deprivation must make a man
servile, if not obsequious—meek, malleable,
submissive, a sexual and social
“bottom.” A guy with no balls. This last
may be true anatomically, but not socially.
History shows us that for thousands
of years, in monarchies from one end of
Asia to the other, eunuchs were in the
upper echelon of the social system. They
were the senior government officials, the
glue that held kingdoms together. They
had full access to the seat of power and
became generals, treasurers, chamberlains,
and diplomats. Many proved so
trustworthy and wise that they rose to
prominence within the imperial court
and acquired great wealth, property, and
their own slaves. The eunuchs mentioned
in the Bible affirm their competency.
For example, when Joseph went
down to Egypt, the chief chamberlain to
the pharaoh was a eunuch.
Modern endocrinology also gives a
clear answer as to how docile or submissive
eunuchs might be. My testosterone
levels differ little from those of
women—thus one should not expect
22

me to be any more (or less) subservient
than, say, our lesbian sisters.
Frankly, I now view myself as somewhat
transgendered—“out” of manhood
perhaps, but not into womanhood
either. Rather I see myself as experiencing
life from more than one gendered
perspective. Admittedly, since I still look
like a male in my daily life, acceptance
of my “otherness” by others is not a
foregone conclusion. But for most prostate
cancer patients, acceptance of their
own situation seems a bigger issue than
acceptance by society.
One social challenge these patients face
is their emotional displays. Androgendeprived
men are more spontaneously
emotional. Indeed medical literature
mentions heightened emotionality as an
“undesirable side effect” of castration.
But who’s to say that such emotionality
is bad?
In contemporary Western society
being emotional, particularly for men,
is seen as weakness. I’ll admit that I am
more emotional now than I ever was as a
male. I cry more easily, but not necessarily
about my own situation. Instead, it’s
the triumphs and tragedies of others that
bring tears to my eyes. It is thus empathy
and not self-pity that moves me. And
if that is true, are my tears really a sign of
weakness?
Coincidentally, the one time in the history
of the Western world when eunuchs
were most beloved by the populace was
during the Castrati Movement. Then
eunuchs, as operatic stars, were adored
for their emotionality.
It is too late for me to be a castrato.
(Besides, I sing bass.) But it is not too
late for me to use my broadened worldview
and newfound passions to help
myself and serve others. I have learned,
though, that to get the most out of
eunuchdom, I have to accept, not deny,
my divergence from masculinity. I do
believe that I have been privileged to see
the world so differently. VM
Moving Forward
Copyright ©2005 by Richard Wassersug.
Richard Wassersug is a professor of anatomy
and neurobiology in the medical school
at Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova
Scotia, as well as an active researcher in sex
and gender theory.
Moving Forward
FALL 2005 •
23

• Voice Male
Calendar
Please send all Calendar Listings
for events from December 15, 2005
(and beyond) to:
Voice Male Calendar
voicemale@mrcforchange.org
or mail to:
236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002
Fax (413) 253-4801
Deadline for Winter issue:
November 25, 2005
October 3 - November 30 • Amherst, MA
Conscious Communication Workshop
The MRC’s Moving Forward program is
sponsoring an eight-week workshop to help
people stay connected with partners, family,
friends, neighbors, and co-workers in
the heat of difference. The workshop will
be offered on Mondays (Oct. 3 to Nov. 28)
and Wednesdays (Oct. 5 to Nov. 30). The
workshop aims to teach people to use differences
to actually grow in understanding and
intimacy and to experience the joy hidden
in conflict. Facilitator Karen Fogliatti is currently
both an associate with the Conscious
Communication Institute and a counselor
with Moving Forward at the Men’s Resource
Center. The workshop is open to both men
and women.
Cost: $230-$280, sliding scale,
includes materials
Location: Men’s Resource Center
for Change
Info: www.ccitraining.org,
karenmf@mindspring.com, (978) 544-3844
October 21-23 • Rowe, MA
Nonviolent Communication as
Spiritual Practice
Nonviolent Communication helps people
connect with the life that is alive in them
and the living field of energy permeating
and animating all things. In the evolution
of language over the last several centuries,
the dominant cultures on our planet have
developed ways of communicating centered
in the mind—in thinking, in knowing,
and in judging what is good and bad, right
and wrong. This language of knowing and
judging cuts us off from life and creates
the violence and suffering on our planet.
The language of Nonviolent Communication
(NVC) enables us to “come back to life,” as
NVC founder Marshall Rosenberg puts it.
Cost: $170 - $270, plus room and board
Location: Rowe Camp & Conference Center
Info: www.rowecenter.org,
retreat@rowecenter.org, (413) 339-4954
October 25 • Los Angeles, CA
Male Rape and the Human
Rights Framework
Lara Stemple, Director of Graduate Studies
in Law, will present her current research
on sexual violence against men and boys
in international law. Before joining UCLA,
Stemple was executive director of Stop
Prisoner Rape, a national human rights
organization whose mission is to end sexual
violence in prisons, jails, and immigration
detention. The prevailing approach to sexual
violence internationally has focused on
the abuse of women and girls. Numerous
instruments in the human rights canon
that address sexual violence, including UN
treaties, resolutions, consensus documents,
and general comments, exclude victims who
are men and boys. Stemple argues that to
continue this approach in light of evidence
that males are a small but sizable percentage
of sexual assault victims is to ignore reality,
perpetuates norms of women as victims,
imposes unhealthy expectations about masculinity
on men and boys, and inhibits effective
advocacy against male rape.
Cost: free
Location: 1648 Hershey Hall, UCLA
Info: www.women.ucla.edu/csw,
csw@women.ucla.edu, (310) 825-0590
October 25-27 • Holyoke, MA
November 10-12 • Amherst, MA
Eyes Wide Open
Beyond Fear, Toward Hope: An Exhibition
of the Human Cost of the Iraq War
“Eyes Wide Open” is a multimedia, multisensory
journey through the words, images,
and sounds of the Iraq War with more than
1,800 pairs of combat boots representing
fallen U.S. soldiers and thousands of
shoes representing Iraqi dead. “Eyes Wide
Open,” a vivid memorial to the Iraq War’s
soldier and civilian victims, puts a human
face on the war and helps further the wider
discussion about the cost of war for our
communities in the United States, for our
soldiers who fight it, and for those who
must endure it. Programs at both locations
will include panel presentations, concerts,
and film showings. Journalist/photographer
Dahr Jamail will speak on October 26, and
activist/mother Cindy Sheehan will speak on
November 11.
Cost: free
Location: Oct. – Holyoke Community
College, Nov. – University of Massachusetts
Info: www.westernmassafsc.org,
afsc@crocker.com, (413) 695-6059
October 28-29 • Deerfield, MA
Witness for Peace New England Annual Fall
Conference/Retreat
Keynote speaker Noam Chomsky will stimulate
the discussion around the central theme
of “building movements to reverse policies
of oppression” and activist trainings led by
WFP National Grassroots Organizers will
help move ideas into action. Topics to be
discussed include building the movement
for Economic Justice in the Americas and
an end to U.S. militarism in Colombia. The
conference will also feature Flor Rivera, a
researcher with the Center for Studies on
Rural Change in Mexico (CECCAM); Mateo
Bernal, a member of the Witness for Peace
International Team in Oaxaca, Mexico;
and Janna Bowman, National Grassroots
Organizer on Military Aid to Colombia for
Witness for Peace.
Cost: $55 to $175, depending on registration
date and portion to be attended
(limited financial aid is available)
Location: Woolman Hill Retreat Center
Info: www.witnessforpeace.org,
wfpne@witnessforpeace.org, (802) 434-2980
November 1 • Worcester, MA
2005 Teen Pregnancy Institute: Switching
Gears in Changing Times
Each year, the Massachusetts Alliance on
Teen Pregnancy draws together teen parent
and pregnancy prevention service providers
from across New England for a day of continuing
education, skill-building, networking,
resource-sharing, and support. This
year’s conference will provide an opportunity
to learn about new approaches to
work with teen parents and in pregnancy
prevention.
Cost: $65 - $100
Location: College of the Holy Cross
Info: www.massteenpregnancy.org,
info@massteenpregnancy.org,
(617) 482-9122
November 2-4 • Detroit, MI
From Roots to Wings:
The Future of Batterer Intervention
This conference, featuring two workshops
by staff from the Men’s Resource Center for
Change, is an important national conference
on batterer intervention (BI). Presenters
include men and women who started batterer
intervention programs. Network with professionals
working to end domestic violence,
gain new tools and strategies, learn about
funding, legislative changes and current
research, hear from communities monitoring
BI programs, be exposed to philosophical
changes in BI programs, and participate
in discussions on defining success.
Cost: between $275 and $400
24

Location: Detroit Marriott at the
Renaissance Center
Info: http://www.biscmi.org/documents/biscmi10thconference.html,
dgarvin@csswashtenaw.org,
(517) 482-3933
November 4-6 • Bangor, PA
You Are Not Alone: A Weekend of Recovery
for Male Survivors of Clergy Abuse
MaleSurvivor will be holding a second
Weekend of Recovery for any adult (18
years and older) male survivor of clergy
abuse (from any denomination). Among
the goals of this retreat are: to provide a
safe place where survivors of clergy sexual
abuse can experience a sense of community,
brotherhood, and joy; to co-create and experience
safety with other survivors as they
explore aspects of their healing journey; to
provide an opportunity where survivors can
share their inner pain, strength and hope.
To accommodate clergy abuse survivors’
requests for a setting with no connection
to any religious group, the retreat will take
place at Kirkridge Retreat and Study Center,
which has been providing an ecumenical
and inter-faith space for rest and renewal to
people from many faith traditions.
Cost: $415 - $475 (includes all lodging,
meals and programming); some scholarship
funds available
Location: Kirkridge Retreat and Study
Center
Info: www.malesurvivor.org,
hfradkin@malesurvivor.org,
(614) 445-8277 x11, (800) 738-4181
January 27-29 • Rowe, MA
Gay Men’s Winter Retreat
This retreat will be led by Christian de la
Huerta. Participants will explore profound
issues of life purpose, bridge the schism
between sexuality and spirituality, and learn
about conscious relationships. You will
attain an expanded sense of your purpose
as a gay man and gain a bigger perspective
on yourself and life in general. You will
reconnect spiritually and develop a deeper
level of self-acceptance and self-empowerment
with a group of like-minded others in
a safe, fun, and nurturing environment.
Cost: Sliding scale fee for the weekend
(includes meals and housing) starts at
$280.
Location: Rowe Conference Center
Info: www.rowecenter.org, (413) 339-4954
New Visions of Manhood
Art Exhibit and Auction
November 29 - December 3 • Northampton, MA
T
he Men’s Resource Center for Change is mounting an exhibit and holding
an auction not just for art aficionados. Anyone interested in great
holiday gifts and supporting the MRC will find great art, pottery, photography,
wearable art and more. The exhibit will be up for silent auction bidding
beginning November 29 and will feature works by scores of well-known artists
including Barry Moser, Leonard Baskin, Greg Gillespie, Jane Lund, Jane
Dyer, Robin Freedenfeld, and Clemens Kalischer. Saturday night, December
3, features a live auction with sumptuous food, engaging entertainment, and
actor-comedian Kevin Brown as auctioneer. Certain pieces will also be available
for bidding online at www.mrcforchange.org.
Cost: free for those purchasing art; suggested donation of $10 for others
Location: A.P.E. Gallery in Thornes Market
Info: gcraig@mrcforchange.org, (413) 253-9887 ext. 16
FALL 2005 •
25

• Voice Male
Thank You!
Publisher Says “Thank You!”
The Men’s Resource Center for Change, publisher
of Voice Male, receives community support
from near and far. Hundreds of people
have shared our inspiration and commitment,
andcontributedtheirtime,services,andmoney
toward a vision of personal and social transformation.
As our programs and services continue
to grow in size and scope, we see that the size
and scope of our community support also
expand. We are filled with deep gratitude at
the outpouring of support. We hope the followingacknowledgmentscommunicateasenseof
being part of a growing community of support.
Thank you.
Donated Space
Network Chiropractic, Greenfield
Northampton Council on Aging
Fathers & Family Network Presenter
Christopher Newman,
YWCA Visitation Centers
Grants
The Kapler Foundation, Los Angeles
In-Kind Donations
Henion Bakery, Amherst
Office/Voice Male Volunteers
Susan Craig, Christopher Klunk,
Joe Leslie, Bob and Jesse Mazer,
Russ Pirkot, Gary Stone
Facilitator Training
Michael Burke, Michael Dover, Carl Erikson,
Jerry Levinsky, Gábor Lukács, Bob Mazer,
Tom Schuyt, Gary Stone
As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC
BoardofDirectorsfortheongoingguidanceand
support they give to this organization and all
who are a part of it. We are also grateful to our
volunteers who support us in so many ways.
Double Play continued from page 9
Was that modeling in any way a plus for you
as a pro athlete?
As I grew up in the sports world, it made
it easier. In the beginning it was very difficult
for me, playing baseball in the minor
leagues and then in the majors. Baseball
taught me how to have a thick skin. In my
house I was taught to have a thin skin. I’m
really grateful to baseball for teaching me to
have a thick skin. I want my kids to have
thick skin. I remember getting really bent
out of shape about stuff at home…that was
fine in my house. As an adult, I’m grateful
that baseball—it’s such a failure sport. In
the clubhouse, you have a constant barrage
of ridicule and banter that includes
tearing each other down on a regular basis.
As crazy as it sounds, it’s been really good
for me personally. It’s the real world, it’s the
way things work. If you’re too sensitive it
affects you. I want my child to be able to
handle what goes on.
When you hear racist or sexist stuff in the
clubhouse, what do you do?
When you hear something racist or sexist
you might say, not in an aggressive way, but
a light way, “That was the worst possible
word you could use in my house growing
up.” It would be self-destructive to be confrontational.
Internally, you have people
brought up in different ways. There’s not
a public forum with an open conversation
about it. You may talk about it with guys
who are sympathetic, or not. Generally
speaking, baseball is a melting pot of races
and financial backgrounds and upbringing,
some people who have never been around
somebody from a large city, only guys just
like them. People handle it in different
ways—like the swearing in the clubhouse
or [lyrics] on the radio. Some guys don’t
want their son hearing it, they only want
Christian music; others say if you don’t like
it, take your son out of here.
Baseball players like former Sox outfielder Wil
Cordero, José Canseco, Milton Bradley, and
othershavebeenchargedwithdomesticassault
and battery. How is that kind of issue seen
frominsidetheclubhouse?Whataboutnow,if
ithappenedwithoneofyourteammates?You
havesomeauthoritybecauseofLisaandwhat
happened to her. What would you say?
Certainly, in my mind [domestic abuse]
is unacceptable. How I would address
that with a particular player is a completely
different story. The right thing
to do isn’t always to say something to
the person about it. The person has to
be ready to talk about it, ready to listen.
If I didn’t think somebody was ready
to listen I would never approach him.
I wouldn’t understand how that would
be my place to do that. But their respect
level would drop immediately from other
players. We kind of police ourselves.
When somebody does something that’s
not just embarrassing to the club but to
themselves, you lose respect, and that’s
the worst thing you can possibly lose in
our clubhouse. Without that, you don’t
have a platform, you don’t have the
respect.
You know about New York Yankees manager
Joe Torre establishing the Safe at
Home Foundation, also aimed at addressing
domestic violence. Are you interested in
working together with him?
I’m so jealous that he has that name! I
think it’s great—you talk about a guy
with a platform and power, it probably
doesn’t get much bigger than he has.
He’s so respected in baseball and in New
York, and it’s amazing and wonderful and
we’re all very proud of what he’s doing.
Do I see an opportunity for a collaboration?
I would love that. He’s a busy guy,
and [our foundation is] not completely
off the ground. At some point in the
future I would love to find a way to put
it together and work with him.
What is your vision for the foundation in the
next seven to eight years?
I’d like [the foundation] to be in shelters
all over the country. I want to be making
an impact improving women’s shelters,
improving relationship skills for women
and children, including boys and young
men, in shelters, everywhere. We’re starting
in a small area of Los Angeles County
and with the shelter in Massachusetts.
We have the Internet, we have our website,
but I’d like to branch out all over
the country. I’m playing baseball all the
time, so my mom is hopefully going to
share my vision, and we’ll see how much
money we raise. VM
26

Men’s Resource Center for Change Programs & Services
Administrative Staff
Executive Director – Rob Okun
Associate Director – Russell Bradbury-Carlin
Development Director – Michael Dover
Development Associate – Gretchen Craig
Financial Manager – Paula Chadis
Administrative Assistant – Ursula Shea Borneo
Moving Forward
Director – Russell Bradbury-Carlin
Clinical Supervisor – Sara Elinoff-Acker
Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison – Steve Trudel
Partner Services Coordinator – Jan Eidelson
Franklin County Coordinator – Joy Kaubin
Hampden County Coordinator – Scott Girard
Group Leaders – Sara Elinoff-Acker, Karen Fogliatti,
Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta,
Susan Omilian, Bill Patten, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel
Support Programs
Director – Allan Arnaboldi
Support Group Facilitators – Allan Arnaboldi,
MichaelBurke,JimDevlin,MichaelDover,DarrenEngstrom,
Carl Erikson, Tim Gordon, Jerry Levinsky, Gábor Lukács,
Bob Mazer, Rob Parfet, Tom Schuyt, Sheldon Snodgrass,
Roger Stawasz, Bob Sternberg, Gary Stone, John
Trainor, Peter Venman
Youth Programs
Director – Allan Arnaboldi
Group Leader/Outreach Worker– Paul Collins
Board of Directors
Chair – Peter Jessop
Clerk/Treasurer – Charles Bodhi
Members – Gustavo Acosta, Jenny Daniell,
Tom Gardner, Yoko Kato, Jonathan Klate
Executive Director Emeritus – Steven Botkin
Main Office: 236 North Pleasant St. • Amherst,
MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801
Springfield Office: 29 Howard St. • Springfield,
MA 01105 • 413.734.3438
E-mail: mrc@mrcforchange.org
Website: www.mrcforchange.org
Support Group Programs
■ Open Men’s Group
Sundays 7-9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office
Tuesdays 6:45-8:45 p.m. at the Council on
Aging, 240 Main St., Northampton.
Wednesdays 7-9 p.m. in Greenfield at Network
Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail (lower Main St.).
A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk
about their lives and to support each other.
■ Men Who Have Experienced Childhood
Abuse /Neglect
Specifically for men who have experienced
any kind of childhood abuse or neglect.
Fridays 7 - 8:30 p.m. at the MRC.
■ Gay, Bisexual & Questioning
Mondays 7 - 9 p.m. at the MRC. A facilitated
drop-in group for gay, bisexual and questioning
men to talk about their lives and
support each other (not a discussion group).
■ GBQ Schmoozefest Events
Seasonal events with catered food, art and
music, opportunities for interacting with
GBQ men and other men who love men
from Springfield to Brattleboro and beyond.
Fathering Programs
■ A variety of resources are available —
Fathers and Family Network programs,
lawyer referrals, parenting resources, workshops,
presentations and conferences.
Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.10
Youth Programs
■ Young Men of Color Leadership Project
Amherst
■ Short Term Groups, Workshops, Presentations
and Consultations for Young Men and Youth-
Serving Organizations
Moving forward
Anger Management, domestic violence
intervention, youth violence prevention
■ Anger Management
Various times for 15-week groups for men,
women and young men at the MRC. For more
information, call (413) 253-9887 ext. 23
■ Domestic Violence Intervention
A state-certified batterer intervention
program serves both voluntary and
court-mandated men who have been physically
violent or verbally/emotionally abusive.
Fee subsidies available.
■ Basic Groups
Groups for self-referred and court-mandated
men (40 weeks) are held in Amherst, Athol,
Belchertown, Springfield, and Greenfield.
■ Follow-up
Groups for men who have completed the
basic program and want to continue working
on these issues are available in Northampton,
Greenfield and Amherst.
■ Partner Services
Free phone support, resources, referrals and
weekly support groups are available for
partners of men in the MOVE program.
■ Prison Groups
A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire
County Jail and House of Corrections.
■ Community Education and Training
Workshops and training on domestic violence
and clinical issues in batterer intervention
are available.
■ Speakers’ Bureau
Formerly abusive men who want to share
their experiences with others to help prevent
family violence are available to speak at
schools and human service programs.
■ Youth Violence Prevention
Services for teenage males who have been
abusive with their families, peers, or dating
partners. Contact: (413) 253-9588 ext.18
Workshops & training
■ Men & Divorce
This workshop series can help you get
your bearings and find your way through
the divorce process to reach a successful
conclusion in this transition. Six Sunday
afternoons. At MRC, 236 North Pleasant St.,
Amherst. For information, call Allan
(413) 253-9887, Ext. 10.
■ Workshops available to colleges, schools,
human service organizations, and businesses
on topics such as “Sexual Harassment
Prevention and Response,” “Strategies and
Skills for Educating Men,” “Building Men’s
Community,” and “Challenging Homophobia,”
among other topics. Specific trainings and
consultations also available.
Publications
■ Voice Male
Published quarterly, the MRC magazine
includes articles, essays, reviews and resources,
and services related to men and masculinity.
■ Children, Lesbians and Men: Men’s Experiences
as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors
A 60-page manual which answers the questions
men have, with first-person accounts by
men and women “who have been there.”
Resource & Referral Services
■ Information about events, counselors,
groups, local, regional and national activities,
and support programs for men.
FALL 2005 •
27

new visions of manhood
Art Exhibit/Auction
A Benefit for the Men’s Resource center for change
NOVEMBER 29 – DECEMBER 3
Live Auction Saturday, December 3, 6:30 p.m. – 9 p.m.
“Greg Gillespie in his studio”
Photo by Clemens Kalischer
A.P.E. Gallery, 3rd Floor, Thornes Marketplace, Northampton, Massachusetts
• Actor/Comedian Kevin Brown, Auctioneer • Fine Art, Pottery, Photography, Wearable Art, and More
• Sumptuous Refreshments • Engaging Live Entertainment
• Silent Auction Bidding November 29 – December 3 • Online Bidding at www.mrcforchange.org
FEATURING ART BY:
Jane Dyer • Robin Freedenfeld • Gregory Gillespie • Clemens Kalischer • Adam Laipson
Jane Lund • Barry Moser • Janet Walerstein Winston and more…
Proceeds will support the work of the Men’s Resource Center for Change.
For more information, call 413.253.9887 ext. 16 or e-mail gcraig@mrcforchange.org.