When Men Do Nothing - Voice Male Magazine
When Men Do Nothing - Voice Male Magazine
When Men Do Nothing - Voice Male Magazine
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of relative gender equality have much better health, better<br />
relationships (among a range of other outcomes), than do men who<br />
live in environments of gender inequality. What that suggests to us is<br />
rather than going off by ourselves to heal in the absence of women,<br />
men actually may be better served<br />
by working—and healing—<br />
alongside women while working<br />
to create a world that respects and<br />
values everyone.<br />
(We are aware that Mr. Marx’s<br />
newest film project on mentoring<br />
has expanded from a focus on<br />
boys alone to boys and girls. That<br />
is encouraging news.)<br />
Still, when Mr. Marx says,<br />
“The fact is men need to be<br />
taught by men how to be men,”<br />
it strongly suggests that single<br />
women raising sons are doomed,<br />
ineffective or worse. Countless<br />
women, particularly African-<br />
American, would question such a<br />
position, as would the many men<br />
who have had highly successful<br />
lives that they attribute to their<br />
mothers’ guidance and leadership<br />
(again, African-American men<br />
in particular). Our own lived<br />
experiences as men, supported by<br />
a wide range of readily available<br />
evidence, suggest that when<br />
men are taught to be men in the<br />
absence of women, men are more<br />
unhealthy, and women, children<br />
and our communities suffer.<br />
Of course men can provide<br />
good guidance to other men—<br />
compassionate, caring, challenging—<br />
and such guidance certainly<br />
is an important contributor to our<br />
wellbeing. But the ability to listen well to women, to learn from<br />
them, and to take guidance from women in forming our identities, is<br />
every bit as important. We believe the survival of the planet depends<br />
on men’s efforts at listening to women.<br />
there was widespread mistrust of males who presented themselves<br />
as women’s allies. Some men chose to disparage women for not<br />
welcoming men. Fortunately, many of us chose to respect women’s<br />
concerns and listen carefully to their experiences. And what they<br />
described to us was multiple<br />
experiences of having been<br />
betrayed by men who claimed<br />
to be profeminist allies in the<br />
movement. Some, they reported,<br />
disparaged women’s opinions,<br />
or pressured them for dates, or<br />
advised battered women that the<br />
man they were with “was really<br />
serious about changing” and<br />
that she should give him another<br />
chance. In a few cases we learned<br />
of men in the movement who<br />
were perpetrating physical or<br />
sexual violence against women.<br />
By taking the women’s sources of<br />
mistrust seriously, we were able<br />
to work on developing systems<br />
of accountability for men in the<br />
movement, making it harder for<br />
men who were not genuine allies<br />
to hide out. The result? <strong>Men</strong> are<br />
increasingly welcomed as allies<br />
in the struggle to end violence<br />
against women, and the level of<br />
mistrust is far lower. Still, women<br />
do get burned sometimes.<br />
The lesson, then, is that<br />
women will trust us when we<br />
prove ourselves trustworthy.<br />
And so far many involved in the<br />
“men’s healing work” movement<br />
have not been doing so. One<br />
choice is to blame women for<br />
not trusting the movement. That<br />
appears to be what Marx’s article<br />
is primarily devoted to doing. The other alternative, which we hope<br />
men will choose—in the name of solidarity with women in their<br />
battle for liberation—is to make the changes that we need to make<br />
to deserve women’s trust.<br />
<strong>Men</strong> can provide good guidance<br />
to other men, and such<br />
guidance is certainly important<br />
for our well-being. But the<br />
ability to listen well to women,<br />
to learn from them, and to<br />
take guidance from women in<br />
forming our identities is every<br />
bit as important.<br />
Building Successful Alliances<br />
The beginning of Marx’s article features a derisive description<br />
of a woman who called Marx with a lot of questions about the<br />
weekend gathering her husband was considering attending. Marx<br />
shared his agitation with the woman, thinking it ridiculous that<br />
she accused him of being sexist. He dismissed her by claiming she<br />
was determined to find something wrong with the retreat. It wasn’t<br />
just the tone of his description we found troubling—we, too, have<br />
questions about what was worrisome to her. Was it necessary to<br />
project such bitterness and condescension towards her in particular,<br />
and women in general?<br />
We both have been involved in the struggle for gender justice for<br />
more than thirty years. During the early years of our involvement,<br />
Lundy Bancroft<br />
Rus Funk<br />
Lundy Bancroft is the author of Why <strong>Do</strong>es<br />
He <strong>Do</strong> That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and<br />
Controlling <strong>Men</strong>. He has been a women’s rights<br />
activist for 25 years.<br />
Rus Ervin Funk, MSW, has been involved in the<br />
movement to end sexist violence since 1983.<br />
He is the cofounder and executive director of<br />
<strong>Men</strong>sWork: eliminating violence against women,<br />
Inc., a Louisville-based organization that focuses<br />
on educating, engaging, and mobilizing men to<br />
address, respond to, and prevent all forms of<br />
sexual and domestic violence.<br />
Summer 2012PREVIEW<br />
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