When Men Do Nothing - Voice Male Magazine

By Lundy Bancroft and Rus Funk
What Do Women Have to Do With
Men’s Healing? A Lot
Shawnash Institute, Inc.
“We believe men need to think carefully about the assumption that
women necessarily benefit when men work on their own healing,”
write Lundy Bancroft and Rus Funk, longtime antiviolence activists
and trainers. After reading “Women Supporting Men Supporting
Men” by Frederick Marx in the Spring issue, Bancroft, author of
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling
Men and When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the
Wounds of Witnessing Abuse, and Funk, author of Reaching Men:
Strategies for Preventing Sexist Attitudes, Behaviors, and Violence,
say “the thorny question” Marx’s article raised about the impact of
some kinds of men’s work prompted them to respond.
What man wouldn’t agree that it is valuable for men to
focus on our own healing? Yet it doesn’t necessarily
follow, as Frederick Marx suggests, that men can only
heal in men-only spaces. To us, such a notion is erroneous at best,
and dangerous at worst—for both men and women. Both women and
men have strong and powerful relationships with one another. Most
men need, deserve, and experience relationships with both women
and men that can help men heal from our wounds.
In his article, Mr. Marx suggests men know better than women
what is best for women. While we appreciate his expression of
support for women’s equality as expressed in an earlier article,
“Defining Masculinity in Our Own Terms” (Voice Male, Fall 2011),
we are concerned about the rigid boundary he seems to be erecting to
keep women out of men’s healing. Women have long been subjected
to core sexist beliefs held by men: that women are filled with irrational
fears; that they do not know what is best for them; and that
they don’t recognize when men are actually acting in women’s best
interests. We examine below some of the ways this perspective seems
to have crept into Mr. Marx’s writing.
Are There Good Reasons for Women to Raise
Questions About Some Men’s Healing Work?
Many women—and some men—are suspicious of men’s claims
that when we spend time freeing ourselves from the straitjacket of
traditional masculinity, women always benefit. In our decades of
antiviolence men’s work, we have heard from many women as they
recounted experiences of their male partners’ involvement in the
“male liberation” movement. Some recurring themes include:
• His participation in men’s weekends—or other personal growth
activities—often leaves her burdened with family responsibilities,
including caring for small children. If she questions him about his
plans, some men may irritably respond, “You want me to be more
the kind of man you are looking for, so why are you complaining
when I try to work on myself?!” In that act, her feelings and needs
are discounted.
• His process of becoming more aware of and “in touch with
his feelings”—along with developing a better understanding of
a “deeper masculinity” and an increased sense of bonding and
Summer 2012PREVIEW
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