Made In Sheffield - Now Then

NO QUARTER
devised by the SATANIC BLAIRSPAWN CHRIS COX & MARTIN CORNWALL.
Gordon Ramsay
feeling not
too fucking
bad today
Despite an early morning issue
with a bottle of milk, it has been
confirmed that TV chef Gordon
Ramsay is having an alright
fucking day today.
“Yeah, it was a bit of a shitter with the
fucking milk,” said Mr Ramsay from his home in
London earlier. “I wanted one of those bastard
four litre bottles of semi-skimmed, but they
didn’t have any so I ended up fucking buying
a couple of fucking two litre bottles instead.”
Mr Ramsay then paused for a moment before
adding, “So yeah, it turned out okay, cheers.”
Coffee date not
confirmed as date
A coffee shop in Sheffield recently
played host to a two hour rendez=vous
that cannot confidently be described
as romantic in nature.
Coconut Café, with its continental
atmosphere and good quality coffee,
is often chosen as a venue for couples
on first dates. For Jay Hammond and
Lucy Muldoon, however, the intimate
surroundings set the scene for an evening
of arbitrary interaction that left both
parties unclear as to the nature of their
newly formed relationship.
The indefinable liaison began at just
after 7pm on Tuesday when the couple
met and awkwardly hugged outside the
coffee shop. Once inside the pair spent a
slightly fraught 15 seconds choosing their
respective drinks, which they then agreed
to pay for separately. According to nearby
customers, the couple’s conversation
over the ensuing two hours was pitched
somewhere between flirty banter and
friendly chat. It is also believed that the
exchange was occasionally rescued from
the brink of silence by a number of clumsy
questions about family, friends and pets.
Reports suggest that once he has finished
reading the pissing newspaper, Mr Ramsay is
thinking about washing the cunting car.
“We had a pretty nice time,” said
Hammond, 22, after the date had ended.
“I don’t think we need to start calling it
‘this’ or ‘that’ at this stage – we’re just
enjoying each other’s company.” He
paused before adding: “What?”
Muldoon was also equivocal about
the form and content of the event, which
had been initiated at her suggestion
the week before. “I just asked Jay if he
fancied going for a coffee sometime and
he said that sounded good,” Ms Muldoon,
23, explained. “I perhaps could have
made it a little clearer what I meant by
that – maybe a ‘drink’ rather than just
a coffee – but I didn’t want to seem too
keen. Besides, we had a nice chat, so
that’s something to be getting on with, I
suppose.”
“I couldn’t say for sure what just
happened,” said shop owner Jordana
Appleton after the pair had said goodbye
outside and walked off in different
directions. “From what I overheard, there
did seem to be a little bit of sexual
tension.”Appleton added: “But then, it
might just have been tension.”
Hammond and Muldoon apparently
have vague plans to meet up again
following their, arguably-successful,
encounter. “We had a good chat about
music; it turns out she’s really into
bands like Mogwai and Sigur Rós,” said
Hammond. “I asked her if she wanted to
go and see a gig with me next week but
it turned out she is already going with her
friends, so I think we’re going to meet up in
there or something.”
“Should be a good gig,” he concluded.
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