Costa Cálida Chronicle - Costa Calida Chronicle

Calling time on past relationships.
This month, I am focusing on the topic, -The
fear of regret. The irony is that no matter
how contented we are with our present lives,
family or partner, there will always be a part
of us still curious about the past, especially
our previous relationships. We wonder, for
example, how our previous partners or friends
are faring without us and what it would be like
to re-establish the relationship once more.
Like memories frozen in time, we are still
seduced by half- remembered relationships
which like fantasies always appear shinier,
less problematic and more desirable than
any current reality can be. Commonly known
as the “what if?” syndrome, this curiosity
ignites the child in us and binds us either
consciously or unconsciously to the past.
Although there is a degree of irrationality
about this behaviour, it is the fear of regret
– of lost opportunities and possibilities – that
makes some of us take the risk and want
what we can’t have. Given today’s social
networking forums, it is easy to be drawn
back into past relationships, but the outcome
may not be what we expect. There is always
a price to pay. Needless to say, jealousy can
easily arise, especially the knowledge that
our partner was once happy in someone
else’s arms, and it can threaten to ruin the
present. Our lives can become bittersweet
when the past and present collide, as Mark
and Jeanette have experienced.
Responding to his ex’s text messages may
be encouraging her into thinking that there
is still some chemistry between them that
can be reignited.
Rather than give him an ultimatum, (which
could backfire on you), I think you should
continue to make your displeasure known
especially your unease with the situation.
You should remind him that he is now in a
loving relationship with you and this should
be his priority. However, should he choose
to chase a “ghost from his past”, you should
take this as a sign to head for the nearest
exit. Don’t waste your time and happiness on
someone who clearly does not respect you
as a person or your feelings.
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
I have been with my girlfriend for 3
months now and I care deeply for her.
However, on a recent stay over, I found
out that she still sleeps with a teddy
bear, given to her by her former love.
Also, she has kept every gift he has
given her and she has lots of photos
of him on her computer and laptop. Is
this something that all women do or do
I have the right to put my foot down?
She is my first serious lover and I don’t
want to jeopardise our relationship with
my jealousy.
Inexperienced Mark
In association with Costa Cálida International Radio and www.angloINFO.com
Page 76
Dear Jennifer,
My boyfriend is still very good friends
with one of his ex-girlfriends. When I
first went out with him, she was very
jealous and kept bombarding him with
lots of text messages. I have asked
him not to stay in touch with her, but
he refused and keeps on messaging
her. She treated him badly and cheated
on him frequently, but he seems to
have forgotten this heartache and
reminisces on the good times they
shared together. I was there by his side
to pick up the pieces and have put a lot
into this relationship. I find his actions
disrespectful and have spoken to him
about it but he dismisses it, claiming
that I am being unreasonable. Now she
is asking to meet up with him and I
am annoyed. My boyfriend still regards
her as a good friend and sees nothing
wrong with meeting up with her, for
“old time’s sake”. Should I allow my
suspicions to get the better of me?
Jeanette
Dear Jeanette,
You are right to be suspicious, especially
as he is disrespectful of your feelings about
the situation, but short of putting him on a
short leash, it is difficult to prevent him from
seeing her, if he so wishes. I am sure you
would not want to hear his empty promises
or to find out later of any clandestine
meeting between your boyfriend and his
ex-girlfriend. People will do what they want
to do, with or without approval from their
better half. In any relationship, there needs
to be a balance between trust and jealousy,
which can be difficult at the best of times.
Dear Mark,
Firstly, I don’t think that it is the norm for all
women in general, to keep mementos from
previous lovers. Having said that, there are
some women who choose to keep hold of
keepsakes because it still holds memories
that are dear to them. I think the more
pertinent question you should be asking
yourself is, - “Is she ready to move on with
her life, in a new relationship with you?”
Secondly, if her behaviour makes you feel
uncomfortable then you should have an open
and honest discussion with her and give her
the opportunity to air her views. She may
not be ready to move on with her life, in
which you will need to decide if you willing
to continue to put up with her behaviour.
On the other hand, she may not have given
much thought to her actions and may be
unaware of your hurt feelings.
My best advice is, - listen to your heart but
let your head take lead of your decisions. In
other words, be rational, not emotional and
decide what is best for you.
Jennifer
Jennifer Rahman is a life coach and holistic
therapist. If you would like Jennifer to
answer any of your problems, please email
her at jennifer@lifemaxxinternational.
com. Confidentiality is respected and no
details are shared or sold to third parties.
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