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of my in-laws. Yet, I also feel my wife and I have implemented
some basic principles that would be helpful
for all couples whose in-laws are the same people from
whom they borrow sugar in a pinch. If you find yourself
living in close proximity to in-laws, here are six suggestions
that will serve you well as you seek to maintain a
flourishing, Christ-honoring relationship.
1. Avoid Being Too Reliant
A level of reliance upon in-laws is to be expected; they are
family, after all. Nonetheless, it is easy to become overly
dependent when they live in close proximity. This reliance
can manifest itself in numerous ways (e.g., free meals,
financial gifts, borrowing things, and, as much as I personally
hate to include it, built-in babysitting). We must
be careful not to take advantage of their graciousness.
For this reason, guard against developing an unhealthy
reliance. A steady articulation of thankfulness to in-laws
is not only appropriate, but it also serves as a continuous
reminder that our in-laws are truly a blessing.
2. Protect Your Spouse
Generally parents are quicker to forgive and forget
the shortcomings of their children than those of their
child’s spouse. Consequently, children should establish
boundaries in terms of what they say about their spouse
to their parents. Discernment should be exercised before
conversing with parents over contentious issues (e.g.,
marital quarrels, finances, spouse’s weaknesses). Don’t
forget that Dad still owns that shotgun he threatened
to use while you were dating! Additionally, whenever
there is an issue that needs to be addressed, each child
should deal with his or her own parents. In so doing,
the child acts as a buffer between the parents and the
spouse. This approach minimizes the awkwardness of an
already awkward situation, and it helps prevent parents
from building up resentment against their child-in-law.
3. Schedule Time Together and Apart
Striking a healthy balance regarding the amount of
time you spend with in-laws can be tricky. Because it
is our tendency to spend too little or too much time
with our in-laws, keeping a somewhat regular schedule
of when you will see each other can be beneficial in
establishing overall expectations for the amount of
time spent together. With our family, we spend every
Tuesday evening having dinner with my wife’s parents.
But on the weekends when I’m home more, we typically
do not schedule time with her family. Carving
out time together as a family of five allows us to bond
as our own family, separate from in-laws. This practice
of keeping a schedule also protects against too many
unexpected drop-ins!
4. Separate Work and Home
Amazing possibilities abound when your parent-in-law
is the same person who can ruin your livelihood by firing
you! Working with one’s in-laws will ideally not be
a stressor on your relationship; rather, it will result in a
deepening of your relationship. From my experience, I
would give two pieces of advice to those working for or
with a parent-in-law. First, avoid discussing shop when
together outside the workplace. It’s too easy for workrelated
discussions to hinder you from fully enjoying
time together as a family. Second, strive to be a model
employee who is a blessing to their supervisor. In so
doing, you will not only avoid placing you and your inlaws
in uncomfortable positions, but you will undoubtedly
enhance your relationship.
5. Avoid Holiday Catastrophes
Some of my fondest memories growing up involved
spending the holidays with my parents and siblings.
As fate would have it, my wife also enjoyed spending
the holidays with her family. This scenario is where
most newlyweds find themselves: in the precarious
position of meeting two sets of expectations. It is
therefore important for newlyweds to reset everyone’s
expectations. Doing so will minimize confusion and
disappointment. Taking the advice of our premarital
counselor, we decided during our engagement that we
would rotate the holidays between our families. If we
spent Thanksgiving with my parents, Christmas would
be spent with hers. The following year, locations were
flip-flopped. One temptation when living near one set
of in-laws is to think it’s okay to spend more holidays
with the family living further away since you see them
less often. You want to be careful not to penalize parents
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