Traditions passed down to the next generation - Pioneer Review

Pennington County Courant • December 20, 2012 • Page 8
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
with Dr. James
Dobson
Dr. Dobson Answers
your Questions
QuESTioN: I got married because
I was in love with my
spouse. I wasn't figuring on the
rest of her family becoming a
major part of my life as well. Exactly
what are my obligations to
my in-laws? Can you help me
gain a clearer understanding of
that relationship?
ANSWER: It doesn't sound like
you have a very warm or relaxed
relationship with your in-laws. As
a matter of fact, you seem to regard
them as a burden. Perhaps
you feel caught between trying to
please them (or avoiding offense)
on the one hand, and just wanting
to be yourself and have your own
"space" on the other. Whatever
the specifics of your situation, we
think it's unfortunate that you
feel this way. But we're also
aware that your experience is
fairly common.
What's your obligation to your
in-laws? If you're a Christian, you
owe them behavior that's consistently
Christian in character. You
may not like them, but you need
to choose to act in a loving manner
toward them. They may be
difficult people. On the other
hand, it's important to realize
that they may be controlling and
manipulative, emotionally dysfunctional
or hostile to your faith;
that they're connected to your
spouse through genetics, history
and a complex set of psychological
dynamics.
Like it or not, they're also connected
to you. When you married,
you also became part of another
family with its own set of values,
traditions and expectations. If
you love your spouse, you need to
recognize and respect those expectations
— within limits, of
course.
In certain instances — for example,
if you feel your in-laws are
intruding into your married life
— the old saying, "Good fences
make good neighbors," may apply.
If this is your situation, you and
your spouse need to come to a
meeting of the minds and establish
some reasonable boundaries.
Once those boundaries have been
communicated clearly, it's essential
that you stand together in enforcing
them. It would be a big
mistake to let your in-laws come
between you.
What are some of the limits you
can set to protect your marriage
from negative interference from
members of your extended families?
Here are three things that
"honoring" your in-laws does not
mean:
1. It doesn't require that you
submerge all your own feelings,
desires, preferences and needs in
order to "do things their way."
2. It doesn't mean that you
must permit them to disrespect,
control or manipulate you for
their own selfish ends.
3. It doesn't entail "obeying" all
their "parental" requests or requirements
— which, in some instances
and with some in-laws,
may get pretty crazy.
In-law conflicts grow more complicated
when a spouse seems to
side with his or her parents
against his or her mate. This isn't
so much an in-law problem as a
marital problem. If one spouse remains
too dependent upon his or
her parents, that needs to be addressed
in a straightforward way.
If one spouse is blaming the inlaws
for a disagreement the couple
is experiencing, that should be
dealt with, too.
QuESTioN: Our child complains
about everything and seldom
seems happy. His negative
attitude is affecting his school
work, and I'm sure it's hurting his
ability to make friends as well.
What can we do to help him develop
a more positive outlook on
life?
ANSWER: The first step is to
try to understand where this negativity
might be coming from.
There are several possible
sources. You know your child better
than anyone else, and as a result
you’re probably in the best
position to determine which of the
following profiles describes his
situation most accurately.
Sometimes a negative attitude
can be rooted in a child’s natural
inborn temperament. Some kids
are easy-going; others find it difficult
to adapt to change. Some
are aggressive and domineering
while others tend to be quiet, shy,
and retiring. In the same way,
certain children have a naturally
sunny disposition while others
are inclined to focus on the bleak
side of life. The first group sees
the glass as half full, the second
as half empty. Many studies indicate
that there is a strong genetic
component to these temperamental
differences. This is a factor
you’ll want to consider carefully
as you attempt to get a handle on
your son’s attitude and behavior.
The four “humors” of Hippocratic
medicine and medieval psychology—
choleric (dominant, passionate,
idealistic), sanguine
(courageous, hopeful, lighthearted,
social), phlegmatic (rational,
calm, unemotional,
steady), and melancholy (moody,
introspective, despondent)—while
not strictly “scientific” in the modern
sense, can provide helpful categories
for thinking about distinctive
personality types. Christian
writers like Tim Lahaye ( The
Spirit-controlled Temperament)
and Gary Smalley and John Trent
( Making Love Last Forever;
Chapter 10, “Understanding Personality
Types”) have made good
use of them in this regard. It’s
possible that your son simply has
a classic melancholy temperament.
But while temperament and genetics
may play an important role
in a case like this, environmental
influences can also be determinative.
To put it another way, kids
can learn to be negative from the
people around them. If mom and
dad are serious about dealing
with this problem, they should
begin by asking themselves some
honest questions. Could it be that
they have modeled this kind of attitude
and behavior for their children?
Even if you don’t see yourself
as negative now, is it possible
that either you or your spouse
might have been depressed or
struggling through a particularly
low point in life while your son
was an infant and a toddler? If
not, could it be that you’ve made
the mistake of reinforcing his
negativity by giving in to his complaints
and coddling him? Perhaps
you did this when he was
younger and are only now seeing
the results.
Whether the problem is primarily
temperamental or environmental
in origin, you can address
it by making some changes in
your parenting style and methods.
Concentrate on extinguishing
your child’s penchant for complaining
by ignoring him when
he’s negative. Don’t give in to his
dark mood. Don’t lavish him with
attention when he starts moaning
and groaning about something. If
he talks in bleak terms about his
day at school or the birthday
party he attended or some activity
in which he’s just taken part,
tell him you’re sorry he feels that
way and then go about your business.
Don’t prolong the discussion.
Just move on.
On the other hand, when your
son says anything remotely positive
or displays the slightest bit of
enthusiasm, you should reinforce
this behavior by smiling, praising
him, and letting him know how
much you appreciate his upbeat
attitude. You could even begin rewarding
him for positive statements
and behavior by putting up
a star chart on the refrigerator
door and adding a sticker every
time he says or does something
that brightens your day.
That said, there is another possibility
you should probably consider.
There’s a chance that your
son’s negative attitude could be
explained in terms of physical
and biological factors. There is a
psychiatric condition called dysthymia,
which is actually a longterm,
low-grade depression. It’s
often characterized by a low energy
level, a lack of interest in
life, and even a chronic negative
outlook.
Send your questions to Dr. Dobson,
c/o Focus on the Family, PO
Box 444, Colorado Springs, CO
80903. This question and answer
is excerpted from books authored
by Dr. James Dobson and published
by Tyndale House Publishers.
Dr. Dobson is the Chairman
of the Board of Focus on the Family,
a nonprofit organization dedicated
to the preservation of the
home. Copyright 2003 James
Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved.
International copyright secured.
FINANCIAL FOCUS
LoWER DEBT LEVELS
MEAN GREATER
iNVESTMENT
oPPoRTuNiTiES
Richard Wahlstrom
www.edwardjones.com
In the past few years, Americans
have done a pretty good job of
whittling down their debt load. If
you’re in this group, you may now
have a chance to use your lower
level of indebtedness to your advantage
— by investing for the future.
Consider the numbers: In 2007,
just before the financial crisis, the
country’s household debt service
ratio was about 14 percent. (The
debt service ratio is the ratio of
debt payments, including mortgages
and consumer debt, to disposable
personal income.) But by
2012, this figure had dipped below
11 percent, the lowest level since
1994.
These figures are national averages,
but they do translate into
real-life savings for many of us. If
you’re in this group — that is, if
you’ve lowered your debt payments
noticeably — what should
you do with this “found” money?
Of course, you could spend it on
material objects, which, in some
cases, may make your life more
pleasant today. But you’d probably
be better off by devoting your financial
resources to your goals for
tomorrow, such as college for your
children and, eventually, a comfortable
retirement lifestyle for
yourself.
Consequently, you want may
want to consider these suggestions:
•Increase your contributions to
your retirement plan. Try to put
more money into your employersponsored
retirement plan, such as
a 401(k), 403(b) or 457(b). Your
contributions are typically made
with pretax dollars, so the more
you invest, the lower your taxable
income. Plus, your earnings can
grow on a tax-deferred basis.
•Fully fund your IRA. You can
put in up to $5,000 per year (as of
2012) to a traditional or Roth IRA,
or $6,000 if you’re 50 or older. A
traditional IRA grows tax-deferred,
while a Roth IRA can grow
tax-free, provided you meet certain
conditions.
•Fill in “gaps” in your financial
strategy. With a little extra money
each month, can you find ways to
fill in the “gaps” in your financial
strategy? For example, do you
have sufficient life insurance and
disability income insurance? Or
can you add some investments
that can help diversify your overall
portfolio? While diversification
can’t guarantee profits or protect
against loss, it can help reduce the
effects of volatility on your holdings.
•Build an emergency fund. It’s a
good idea to build an emergency
fund containing six to 12 months’
worth of living expenses. Without
such a fund, you may be forced to
dip into long-term investments to
pay for unexpected costs, such as a
large bill from the doctor or a
major car repair. Keep the money
in a liquid, low-risk account.
•Establish a 529 plan. If you
have children or grandchildren
whom you would like to help get
through college, you might want to
contribute to a 529 plan. Your
earnings grow tax-free, provided
withdrawals are used for qualified
higher education expenses. Plus,
your contributions may be deductible
from your state taxes. (Be
aware, though, that withdrawals
used for purposes other than qualified
education expenses may be
subject to federal and state taxes,
plus a 10% penalty.)
Reducing your debt level can remove
some stress from your life.
And you’ll gain even more benefits
from debt reduction by using your
savings to speed your progress toward
your important financial
goals.
Obituaries More obituaries on page 5
Wilma Daniel___________________
Wilma Daniel, age 98, of Philip,
S.D., died Friday, December 14,
2012, at the Kadoka Nursing
Home.
Wilma Orpha Ernst Daniel was
born December 3, 1914, near
Bloomfield, Iowa, the second of five
children born to Emanuel and Iva
(Provo) Ernst. In 1919, the family
moved to a ranch 28 miles north of
Midland. She attended grade
school in a country school and high
school in Midland.
Wilma was united in marriage
to Paul Richard Daniel on October
30, 1931, in Gillette, Wyo. They
made their home 12 miles northeast
of Philip. Her husband, Paul,
preceded her in death on April 19,
1972. She continued to make her
home on the ranch northeast of
Philip until moving into the
Kadoka Nursing Home on November
4, 2011, where she has since
resided.
Grateful for having shared her
life include her son, Gene Daniel
and his wife, Doris, of Philip; two
grandsons, Shane Daniel and his
wife, Cher, of Rapid City, and
Aaron Daniel and his wife, Lane,
of Billings, Mont.; two greatgrandsons,
Alec and Quinn of
Rapid City; several nieces and
nephews; and a host of other relatives
and friends.
In addition to her husband,
Paul, Wilma was preceded in
death by her parents; and infant
daughter at birth; and three brothers,
Orville, Arlo, and John Ernst;
and one sister, Willa.
Services were held Monday, December
17, at Rush Funeral
Chapel in Philip, with Pastor
Kathy Chesney officiating.
Interment was at the Masonic
Cemetery in Philip.
In lieu of flowers, the family requests
memorials made to the
donor’s choice, or the Haakon
County Prairie Transportation.
Arrangements were with the
Rush Funeral Home of Philip.
Her online guestbook is available
at www.rushfuneralhome.com
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announcements to: annc@gwtc.net