Clarissa, Volume 6 - The History Of A Young Lady

Clarissa, Volume 6 − The History Of A Young Lady 72
human mind! When we enter upon a devious course, we think we shall have it in our power when we will
return to the right path. But it is not so, I plainly see: For, who can acknowledge with more justice this dear
creature's merits, and his own errors, than I? Whose regret, at times, can be deeper than mine, for the injuries I
have done her? Whose resolutions to repair those injuries stronger?−−Yet how transitory is my
penitence!−−How am I hurried away−− Canst thou tell by what?−−O devil of youth, and devil of intrigue,
how do you mislead me!−−How often do we end in occasions for the deepest remorse, what we begin in
wantonness!−−
At the present writing, however, the turn of the scale is in behalf of matrimony−−for I despair of carrying with
her my favourite point.
The lady tells Dorcas, that her heart is broken: and that she shall live but a little while. I think nothing of that,
if we marry. In the first place, she knows not what a mind unapprehensive will do for her, in a state to which
all the sex look forwards with high satisfaction. How often have the whole of the sacred conclave been thus
deceived in their choice of a pope; not considering that the new dignity is of itself sufficient to give new life!
A few months' heart's ease will give my charmer a quite different notion of things: and I dare say, as I have
heretofore said,* once married, and I am married for life.
* See Letter IX. of this volume.
I will allow that her pride, in one sense, has suffered abasement: but her triumph is the greater in every other.
And while I can think that all her trials are but additions to her honour, and that I have laid the foundations of
her glory in my own shame, can I be called cruel, if I am not affected with her grief as some men would be?
And for what should her heart be broken? Her will is unviolated;−−at present, however, her will is unviolated.
The destroying of good habits, and the introducing of bad, to the corrupting of the whole heart, is the
violation. That her will is not to be corrupted, that her mind is not to be debased, she has hitherto
unquestionably proved. And if she give cause for farther trials, and hold fast her integrity, what ideas will she
have to dwell upon, that will be able to corrupt her morals? What vestigia, what remembrances, but such as
will inspire abhorrence of the attempter?
What nonsense then to suppose that such a mere notional violation as she has suffered should be able to cut
asunder the strings of life?
Her religion, married, or not married, will set her above making such a trifling accident, such an involuntary
suffering fatal to her.
Such considerations as these they are that support me against all apprehensions of bugbear consequences; and
I would have them have weight with thee; who are such a doughty advocate for her. And yet I allow thee this;
that she really makes too much of it; takes it too much to heart. To be sure she ought to have forgot it by this
time, except the charming, charming consequence happen, that still I am in hopes will happen, were I to
proceed no farther. And, if she apprehended this herself, then has the dear over−nice soul some reason for
taking it so much to heart; and yet would not, I think, refuse to legitimate.
O Jack! had I am imperial diadem, I swear to thee, that I would give it up, even to my enemy, to have one
charming boy by this lady. And should she escape me, and no such effect follow, my revenge on her family,
and, in such a case, on herself, would be incomplete, and I should reproach myself as long as I lived.
Were I to be sure that this foundation is laid [And why may I not hope it is?] I should not doubt to have her
still (should she withstand her day of grace) on my own conditions; nor should I, if it were so, question that
revived affection in her, which a woman seldom fails to have for the father of her first child, whether born in
wedlock, or out of it.