Clarissa, Volume 6 - The History Of A Young Lady

Clarissa, Volume 6 − The History Of A Young Lady 58
What−−what−a−−what has been done−−I, I, I−−cannot but say−−must own−−must
confess−−hem−−hem−−−−is not right−−is not what should have been−−but−a−− but−−but−−I am
truly−−truly−−sorry for it−−upon my soul I am−−and−−and−− will do all−−do every thing−−do
what−−whatever is incumbent upon me−−all that you−−that you−−that you shall require, to make you
amends!−−−−
O Belford! Belford! whose the triumph now! HER'S, or MINE?
Amends! O thou truly despicable wretch! Then lifting up her eyes−−Good Heaven! who shall pity the creature
who could fall by so base a mind!−− Yet−−[and then she looked indignantly upon me!] yet, I hate thee not
(base and low−souled as thou art!) half so much as I hate myself, that I saw thee not sooner in thy proper
colours! That I hoped either morality, gratitude, or humanity, from a libertine, who, to be a libertine, must
have got over and defied all moral sanctions.*
* Her cousin Morden's words to her in his letter from Florence. See Vol. IV. Letter XIX.
She then called upon her cousin Morden's name, as if he had warned her against a man of free principles; and
walked towards the window; her handkerchief at her eyes. But, turning short towards me, with an air of
mingled scorn and majesty, [what, at the moment, would I have given never to have injured her!] What
amends hast thou to propose! What amends can such a one as thou make to a person of spirit, or common
sense, for the evils thou hast so inhumanely made me suffer?
As soon, Madam−−as soon−−as−−as soon as your uncle−−or−−not waiting−−−−
Thou wouldest tell me, I suppose−−I know what thou wouldest tell me−−But thinkest thou, that marriage will
satisfy for a guilt like thine? Destitute as thou hast made me both of friends and fortune, I too much despise
the wretch, who could rob himself of his wife's virtue, to endure the thoughts of thee in the light thou seemest
to hope I will accept thee in!−−
I hesitated an interruption; but my meaning died away upon my trembling lips. I could only pronounce the
word marriage−−and thus she proceeded:
Let me, therefore, know whether I am to be controuled in the future disposal of myself? Whether, in a country
of liberty, as this, where the sovereign of it must not be guilty of your wickedness, and where you neither
durst have attempted it, had I one friend or relation to look upon me, I am to be kept here a prisoner, to sustain
fresh injuries? Whether, in a word, you intend to hinder me from going where my destiny shall lead me?
After a pause−−for I was still silent:
Can you not answer me this plain question?−−I quit all claim, all expectation, upon you−−what right have you
to detain me here?
I could not speak. What could I say to such a question?
O wretch! wringing her uplifted hands, had I not been robbed of my senses, and that in the basest
manner−−you best know how−−had I been able to account for myself, and your proceedings, or to have
known but how the days passed−−a whole week should not have gone over my head, as I find it has done,
before I had told you, what I now tell you−−That the man who has been the villain to me you have been, shall
never make me his wife.−− I will write to my uncle, to lay aside his kind intentions in my favour−− all my
prospects are shut in−−I give myself up for a lost creature as to this world−−hinder me not from entering upon
a life of severe penitence, for corresponding, after prohibition, with a wretch who has too well justified all
their warnings and inveteracy; and for throwing myself into the power of your vile artifices. Let me try to