Clarissa, Volume 6 - The History Of A Young Lady

Clarissa, Volume 6 − The History Of A Young Lady 57
Here I made an hesitating effort to speak, laying down my pen: but she proceeded!−−Hear me out, guilty
wretch!−−abandoned man!−−Man, did I say? −−Yet what name else can I? since the mortal worryings of the
fiercest beast would have been more natural, and infinitely more welcome, that what you have acted by me;
and that with a premeditation and contrivance worthy only of that single heart which now, base as well as
ungrateful as thou art, seems to quake within thee.−−And well may'st thou quake; well may'st thou tremble,
and falter, and hesitate, as thou dost, when thou reflectest upon what I have suffered for thy sake, and upon the
returns thou hast made me!
By my soul, Belford, my whole frame was shaken: for not only her looks and her action, but her voice, so
solemn, was inexpressibly affecting: and then my cursed guilt, and her innocence, and merit, and rank, and
superiority of talents, all stared me at that instant in the face so formidably, that my present account, to which
she unexpectedly called me, seemed, as I then thought, to resemble that general one, to which we are told we
shall be summoned, when our conscience shall be our accuser.
But she had had time to collect all the powers of her eloquence. The whole day probably in her intellects. And
then I was the more disappointed, as I had thought I could have gazed the dear creature into confusion−−but it
is plain, that the sense she has of her wrongs sets this matchless woman above all lesser, all weaker
considerations.
My dear−−my love−−I−−I−−I never−−no never−−lips trembling, limbs quaking, voice inward, hesitating,
broken−−never surely did miscreant look so like a miscreant! while thus she proceeded, waving her snowy
hand, with all the graces of moving oratory.
I have no pride in the confusion visible in thy whole person. I have been all the day praying for a composure,
if I could not escape from this vile house, that should once more enable me to look up to my destroyer with
the consciousness of an innocent sufferer. Thou seest me, since my wrongs are beyond the power of words to
express, thou seest me, calm enough to wish, that thou may'st continue harassed by the workings of thy own
conscience, till effectual repentance take hold of thee, that so thou may'st not forfeit all title to that mercy
which thou hast not shown to the poor creature now before thee, who had so well deserved to meet with a
faithful friend where she met with the worst of enemies.
But tell me, (for no doubt thou hast some scheme to pursue,) tell me, since I am a prisoner, as I find, in the
vilest of houses, and have not a friend to protect or save me, what thou intendest shall become of the remnant
of a life not worth the keeping!−−Tell me, if yet there are more evils reserved for me; and whether thou hast
entered into a compact with the grand deceiver, in the person of his horrid agent in this house; and if the ruin
of my soul, that my father's curse may be fulfilled, is to complete the triumphs of so vile a
confederacy?−−Answer me!−−Say, if thou hast courage to speak out to her whom thou hast ruined, tell me
what farther I am to suffer from thy barbarity?
She stopped here, and, sighing, turned her sweet face from me, drying up with her handkerchief those tears
which she endeavoured to restrain; and, when she could not, to conceal from my sight.
As I told thee, I had prepared myself for high passions, raving, flying, tearing execration; these transient
violences, the workings of sudden grief, and shame, and vengeance, would have set us upon a par with each
other, and quitted scores. These have I been accustomed to; and as nothing violent is lasting, with these I
could have wished to encounter. But such a majestic composure−−seeking me−−whom, yet it is plain, by her
attempt to get away, she would have avoided seeking−−no Lucretia−like vengeance upon herself in her
thought−−yet swallowed up, her whole mind swallowed up, as I may say, by a grief so heavy, as, in her own
words, to be beyond the power of speech to express−−and to be able, discomposed as she was, to the very
morning, to put such a home−question to me, as if she had penetrated my future view−−how could I avoid
looking like a fool, and answering, as before, in broken sentences and confusion?