Clarissa, Volume 6 - The History Of A Young Lady

Clarissa, Volume 6 − The History Of A Young Lady 52
But this is nothing to what I wanted to say. Now I have it.
I have lost it again−−This foolish wench comes teasing me−−for what purpose should I eat? For what end
should I wish to live?−−I tell thee, Dorcas, I will neither eat nor drink. I cannot be worse than I am.
I will do as you'd have me−−good Dorcas, look not upon me so fiercely−− but thou canst not look so bad as I
have seen somebody look.
Mr. Lovelace, now that I remember what I took pen in hand to say, let me hurry off my thoughts, lest I lose
them again−−here I am sensible−−and yet I am hardly sensible neither−−but I know my head is not as it
should be, for all that−−therefore let me propose one thing to you: it is for your good−−not mine; and this is it:
I must needs be both a trouble and an expense to you. And here my uncle Harlowe, when he knows how I am,
will never wish any man to have me: no, not even you, who have been the occasion of it−−barbarous and
ungrateful! −−A less complicated villany cost a Tarquin−−but I forget what I would say again−−
Then this is it−−I never shall be myself again: I have been a very wicked creature−−a vain, proud, poor
creature, full of secret pride−−which I carried off under an humble guise, and deceived every body−−my sister
says so−−and now I am punished−−so let me be carried out of this house, and out of your sight; and let me be
put into that Bedlam privately, which once I saw: but it was a sad sight to me then! Little as I thought what I
should come to myself!−−That is all I would say: this is all I have to wish for−−then I shall be out of all your
ways; and I shall be taken care of; and bread and water without your tormentings, will be dainties: and my
straw−bed the easiest I have lain in−−for−−I cannot tell how long!
My clothes will sell for what will keep me there, perhaps as long as I shall live. But, Lovelace, dear Lovelace,
I will call you; for you have cost me enough, I'm sure!−−don't let me be made a show of, for my family's sake;
nay, for your own sake, don't do that−−for when I know all I have suffered, which yet I do not, and no matter
if I never do−−I may be apt to rave against you by name, and tell of all your baseness to a poor humbled
creature, that once was as proud as any body−−but of what I can't tell−−except of my own folly and
vanity−−but let that pass−−since I am punished enough for it−−
So, suppose, instead of Bedlam, it were a private mad−house, where nobody comes!−−That will be better a
great deal.
But, another thing, Lovelace: don't let them use me cruelly when I am there−−you have used me cruelly
enough, you know!−−Don't let them use me cruelly; for I will be very tractable; and do as any body would
have me to do−−except what you would have me do−−for that I never will.−−Another thing, Lovelace: don't
let this good woman, I was going to say vile woman; but don't tell her that−−because she won't let you send
me to this happy refuge, perhaps, if she were to know it−−
Another thing, Lovelace: and let me have pen, and ink, and paper, allowed me−−it will be all my
amusement−−but they need not send to any body I shall write to, what I write, because it will but trouble
them: and somebody may do you a mischief, may be−−I wish not that any body do any body a mischief upon
my account.
You tell me, that Lady Betty Lawrance, and your cousin Montague, were here to take leave of me; but that I
was asleep, and could not be waked. So you told me at first I was married, you know, and that you were my
husband−−Ah! Lovelace! look to what you say.−−But let not them, (for they will sport with my misery,) let
not that Lady Betty, let not that Miss Montague, whatever the real ones may do; nor Mrs. Sinclair neither, nor
any of her lodgers, nor her nieces, come to see me in my place−−real ones, I say; for, Lovelace, I shall find
out all your villanies in time−− indeed I shall−−so put me there as soon as you can−−it is for your good−−
then all will pass for ravings that I can say, as, I doubt no many poor creatures' exclamations do pass, though