Clarissa, Volume 6 - The History Of A Young Lady

Clarissa, Volume 6 − The History Of A Young Lady 108
me upon the cursed subject: for I cannot bear it.
But for the lady, by my soul, I love her. I admire her more than ever! I must have her. I will have her
still−−with honour or without, as I have often vowed. My cursed fright at her accidental bloody nose, so
lately, put her upon improving upon me thus. Had she threatened ME, I should have soon been master of one
arm, and in both! But for so sincere a virtue to threaten herself, and not to offer to intimidate any other, and
with so much presence of mind, as to distinguish, in the very passionate intention, the necessity of the act,
defence of her honour, and so fairly to disavow lesser occasions: showed such a deliberation, such a choice,
such a principle; and then keeping me so watchfully at a distance that I could not seize her hand, so soon as
she could have given the fatal blow; how impossible not to be subdued by so true and so discreet a
magnanimity!
But she is not gone. She shall not go. I will press her with letters for the Thursday. She shall yet be mine,
legally mine. For, as to cohabitation, there is no such thing to be thought of.
The Captain shall give her away, as proxy for her uncle. My Lord will die. My fortune will help my will, and
set me above every thing and every body.
But here is the curse−−she despises me, Jack!−−What man, as I have heretofore said, can bear to be
despised−−especially by his wife!−−O Lord!−−O Lord! What a hand, what a cursed hand, have I made of this
plot!−−And here ends
The history of the lady and the penknife!−−The devil take the penknife! −−It goes against me to say,
God bless the lady!
NEAR 5, SAT. MORN.
LETTER XXXVII
MR. LOVELACE, TO MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE [SUPERSCRIBED TO MRS. LOVELACE.] M.
HALL, SAT. NIGHT, JUNE 24.
MY DEAREST LIFE,
If you do not impute to live, and to terror raised by love, the poor figure I made before you last night, you will
not do me justice. I thought I would try to the very last moment, if, by complying with you in every thing, I
could prevail upon you to promise to be mine on Thursday next, since you refused me an earlier day. Could I
have been so happy, you had not been hindered going to Hampstead, or wherever else you pleased. But when
I could not prevail upon you to give me this assurance, what room had I, (my demerit so great,) to suppose,
that your going thither would not be to lose you for ever?
I will own to you, Madam, that yesterday afternoon I picked up the paper dropt by Dorcas; who has confessed
that she would have assisted you in getting away, if she had had opportunity so to do; and undoubtedly
dropped it by accident. And could I have prevailed upon you as to Thursday next, I would have made no use
of it; secure as I should have been in your word given, to be mine. But when I found you inflexible, I was
resolved to try, if, by resenting Dorcas's treachery, I could not make your pardon of me the condition of mine
to her: and if not, to make a handle of it to revoke my consent to your going away from Mrs. Sinclair's; since
the consequence of that must have been so fatal to me.
So far, indeed, was my proceeding low and artful: and when I was challenged with it, as such, in so high and
noble a manner, I could not avoid taking shame to myself upon it.