How to Become a Drug Addict

HOW TO
become
a drug
addict
*
*
how to ruin your life

NO SERIOUSLY
drugs aren’t the answer to anything

this is our 12 step program
TO THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL

8Start of the binge with listening
to every piece of advice the gum
smacking 13 year old in your
peer pressure
gym class told you.
1 4spend
1
8flirt with the law
talk the talk
Since you’ll be on your way to jail
soon enough, lets learn all the
prison lingo as soon as possible.
Not what you imagined when
someone put you in handcuffs,
make the law your boyfriend and
the night in the cells.

2Considering the amount of two
night jail runs you’re parents
probably won’t let you live with
them anymore. Hello cardboard!
26
Now that you’ve been living in a
cardboard box you can’t exactly
run to the bathroom for a quick
shower, so get ready to stink!
32
Rehab, it’s where talk circles and
finding yourself are plentiful so get
used to sharing your feelings.
36
Now that you’re clean it’s
time to start over. It’ll be hard
and the shakes will be unreal
but know you at least had the
mental capacity
homeless probs
whats a shower?
try to make me go
figure it out
5

METH
Meet Irritability, he has a horrible case of
prolonged insomnia, and unfortunately for him
it’s mostly nightmares but it doesn’t matter
because he’s always Confused and anxious.
Meth is always a little shaky and has tremors
and convulsions. He knows he messed up
but the paranoia and aggressiveness aren’t
helping his criminal record.
know you
HEROIN
Meet determination. Heroin is the queen of
singlemindedness. Heroin has this ability to
feel like your sole purpose in life; she really
gets yah like that. All your money and all your
time is dedicated to finding and taking this
drug. Without it the shakes and cold sweats
will break out and then you’ll just be more
of an eye sore than you already are. Don’t
forget how much she vomits everyone and the
constant diahria that hits after a few hours of
not taking Heroin. She’s crazy but determined.

LSD
LSD really knows how to have a good time.
From accidentally putting their own baby
in the oven, to thinking their house is full of
aliens and shoots up their own family, LSD
is a real trip. The best part is the involuntary
flash backs, so even when you don’t take the
drug it’ll creep on you during that important
job interview. I’m sure the employers will
understand when you run screaming through
the lobby and run into traffic.
r drugs
X
Extacy has a special job. Basically to poison
you considering about all of the stuff sold on
the street containes rat poison, caffeine, dog
deworming substances, and other goodies
that we aren’t even sure have names! It’s not
a problem though because if you wanted to
create a drug tolerance that worps your sense
of how much is too much, and you figure it out
whilest overdosing on some random dudes
bathroom floor. Tough luck i guess...you were
just looking for a rush, right? 7

don’t try to hard
try this
wear blue
look pretty
you can’t be smart
fit in

Step1
circum to peer pressure
9

1
circum to peer pressure

If you think you can be your own
person and become one of those
numbers you see on those really
God-awful anti drug commercials,
you are sadly mistaken. It only takes
one person to fall on their face and
into a table of crack. Certainly it won’t
be difficult to maintain some sort of
anonymity, especially with the cops
44%
constantly on your tail.
lie steal and cheat
its the only way to get what you want...
Pressure. The first thing you need to
do it find the people your mommy told
you not to hang out with. Most likely the
crowd with the least amount of hygiene
concerns, because you’ll be rancid.
then remove your
personality entirely
They won’t like you if you choose to
think for yourself. You have to mold
your ideas into the crowd and make
sure they forget your name because
soon enough your name won’t matter.
Sarcastic comments at a minimum,
but please just make sure all that
the pressure doesn’t get to you too
much. Because you’re on your way
to becoming a drug abuser, you won’t
have any expectations to live up to
it’s only a matter of time before the
only expected is vomit on your pillow.
65%
of teens dress a certain way
blending is the easiest way to be invisible
11

YOU WILL
never
influence
the world you’re trying
to be a part of

Step
learn how to talk drugs2
15

2learn how to talk drugs
dime
a 10 ten year year prision prison sentance sentance -
minimum for drug busts
growing daisies
dead.
hot shot
intentionally overdosing on intervenous drugs
hit
taking a dose of drugs

a snitch
piper
Time to talk drugs. I mean actually learn
the lingo because if not you won’t seem
like a legitimate loser. Especially when
you’re begging for your next hit you’ll
might as well
learn jail lingo
need to know what to ask for. Try to
keep whatever you say to a minimum
because no one really wants to see
those new decrepit teeth you’ll be
sporting once you’ve really delved in
the true sense of a drug addiction.
weapon
inhaling heroin
through a makeshift tube
child molesters
shank
baboot
bacons
17

get caught.

Step
live with the law 3
19

3get caught
I guess going to jail has some benefits.
For starters you’ll start to realize all the
ways you’ve screwed up until now. That
kind of reflection is really key to the
epic downward spiral that is about to
happen. Don’t worry though there is an
abundance of creative shanks from the
prisons brightest of criminals. Not that
you’ll need to use them but just showing
you can protect yourself will make it so
you’re not at the bottom of the foodchain.
Considering I’ve already tought you
all the lingo regarding the jail situation
doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to
actually talk to anyone thats actually
already in jail. Changes are the “head
down” approach to life behind bars is
usually the safest one. Anyone who
makes a name for themself in jail
probably was born into a pack of wolves
and usually can break things with their
pinkies. Overall, eat what evers infront.

////////
////////
// //////
///////
//
21

so you’re homeless now.....

Step
a cardboard box life 4
23

4A cardboard box life
a new home

So your parents aren’t really cool with
having a drug addicted child, especially
after the drug induced anger rampages
you’ve been gracing them with recently.
So this is the part where the kick you
out, because they can’t bail you out of
jail every tuesday, it’s just unreasonable,
especially the amount of money it is.
Cardboard boxes are a great source of
shelter for about an hour. You’ll need to
visit a library (god forbid) to learn about
squatters rights because once your box
is soaked through and full of mold you’ll
need to start taking advantage of other
people,mostly other drug addicts so you
guys will have something to talk about.
Your parents will use several strategies
towards kicking you out of the house.
The most common way is of course the
yelling and screaming with a lot of hand
gestures but personally i prefer the awkward
note left on the front door with the
locks changed telling you to just leave
while the cops don’t know your address.
25

pimples
tooth decay
hair loss

Step
stop taking showers5
27

5Stop taking showers

dull senses
You’re basically going to be confined
to your melody of brain activity; what
little is left. There really isn’t going to
be anything left to smell the delicious
leftovers from the dumpsters out back
behind your favorite restaurant, so it
really doesn’t matter that you’re eating
trash; you can’t smell it anyway. They
always tell you that smell is a big part
of taste; they were right you don’t taste
pretty much anything except anguish
because everything is similar to a tan
colored smelly cardboard at this point.
blood shot
Sunglasses are going to be a given
now that your eyes are so sunken
in you would be pressed luck to turn
into potato head and get a new set.
Those darling sparkles will have the
light sucked right out of them now that
your sleep is ridden with nightmares
and heavy hallucinations. You probably
won’t sleep the night unless you’ve
really doped yourself up nice and good.
tooth decay
Remember when your mom told you to
brush your teeth often? - well considering
you’ve probably been kicked out by
now theres no one to remind you; not
that it would matter considering all the
drugs have eaten away at your enamel,
only to leave gross crusty peg leg teeth.
29

It was only going to happen once right?
It was just going to be a fun night out
with your friends and because for some
odd reason the only way to have fun
was to forget where you are or ask if
a sense of morals remained. There
was this one time a babysitter who put
the child in the oven because she was
so doped up on PCP, i guess playing
Shoots and Latter’s with the baby was
too much to handle for a 17yr old girl.

i thought i was cool
everyone else was doing it
i was only going
to do i once
31

REhab

Step
try to make me go 6
33

Anxiety
Sweating
6try to make me go
Irritability
Nausea,
25.6 million people people in the USA
that need rehabilitation for drug abuse.
25.6
Insomnia
hing
Headaches
diarrhea
MILLION
Muscle tension
Poor concentration
Depression
vomittin
Social isolation

g
So there’s a ton of great things about
rehab, for starters you got yourself
there. But as you are still aware it’s all
your fault you got here in the first place.
It’s like the backwards winners circle
because all you’ve won at this point
was the mental capacity to now realize
what you’ve done was a huge waste of
time money and years off your life.
Sponge baths, sweating all the time
and wreaking of day old pee is what
you get to look forward too. This is
the place where people have actually
started to smile in your general direction
in months. They’re smiling because
they feel sorry for you, it took you long
enough to get here, let alone long
enough to make it your only realistic
option towards leading a decent life.
Rehab is like a double edged sword
because first of all it’s your calculated
genius that got yourself here in the
first place but now you are the real live
person responsible for making sure you
recover. How does someone both dive
this deep only to recognize that they
did something wrong in the end. That
shows me that you had it in you not to
start at all! Being strong enough not to
take drugs is just as strong as realizing
when it’s time to stop doing them.
35

start over.

Theres all these magical quotes about
falling and knowing how to get up. I get
the value is letting people know theres
always somewhere to go once your life
has seen the depths of the dreamless.
However, what ever happened to the
quotes that just simply told you not to
fall in the first place. It takes a strong
person to stay above water. I do believe
that strength is also exemplified in how
your ability to resurface once you have
already sunk. Therefore, this book is
the kick in the ass that makes sure you
don’t have to worry about the rise up.
Getting your ass to rehab is already the
toughest part, because falling is easy
all you have to do is slip. Recognizing
that downward spiral is the hard part.
Drowning can be avoided
with the proper flotation
I can go on metaphor simulations with
regards towards your apparent doom
that you’ve gracefully landed yourself
into however lets be straight with each
other,you messed up... A lot, more times
than we’d all like to remember and see.
Don’t worry usually your parents still
have that horrible conscience of theirs
and will still talk to you if you come
crawling back with enough apologies.
However, if you have siblings, they’re
usually harder grudge holders, but then
again i don’t know how your family
works you may have a rougher time
with the rents while your sister is hiding
you under her bed and sneaking you
cookies at bedtime. Overall, this is the
time of reconsideration so find god, or
someone similar becuase thats about
the only person who will forgive you.
37

SPARK
up
ideas
Don’t think you’re creative enough or
fun enough of a person without drugs?
Try some candy bars for some energy,
maybe put your big head in a book for
once instead of a crack pipe. If your
life is too difficult to deal with it then go
out and get a new one. We all have the
capacity to at least try for even better,
things, things that even without drugs
seems unattainable, unimaginable.
You were given the gift of a living breathing
thing that you are maybe responsible for...
Wasting that responsibility on long
and meaningless hours spent starring
at the ceiling counting cracks. You’ve
probably heard it all, mostly on ways
to not screw up your life, I cannot
exactly stop you from doing it, I know
you’re going to try it, fine go ahead
but be the person who knows whats
good for them and stop.
If you aren’t fun enough without
drugs then go figure out why, there’s
probably a good reason why you
suck so much without hallucinogens,
it’s all up to you, because there’s this
magical unicorn called free will and
by God we hope you use it wisely.

this book is brought to you by
BECAUSE I SAID SO
we find the dont’s and crush them
tm.