Last Minute - The Lethbridge Journal

Stay a while, and listen!
We need a nuclear badger
Toronto-based think-tank ‘Professor Xavier’s Institute for the Mentally Interesting’
has published a new report calling for the replacement of Tasers with a “more lethal
non-lethal weapon, or weaponized animal.” The lead author of the report, Admiral
Heinz Ketchup, explained the Institute’s findings: “From 2001-2012, Tasers were only
responsible for a few hundred deaths in the United States and most of them just hit their
head on the way down. In the same period, guns successfully killed tens of thousand
of otherwise completely healthy people! We feel the military-industrial complex could
be doing a much more effective job of non-lethally killing naked people at the airport.”
The report suggests, among other weapons, a “crossbow tipped with poison from
Amazonian Dart Frogs” and “some sort of microwave gun that would make the target
soil themselves.”
Birds of a feather. . . are poor together?
Financial consultants have issued warnings to their clients that the Canadian Bird
Housing bubble is at risk of collapse. “As Canadian birds accrue more and more
personal debt, we find it hard to recommend taking out a mortgage or loan on your
birdhouse,” says the warning from accounting firm Sylvester and Tweety. “Birds are
migratory animals with almost no equity. Unlike squirrels or chipmunks, they very
rarely have anything saved for the harsh winter months, which makes long-term
planning difficult. . . and they often make chickenfeed compared to other animals in
similar jobs.” Experts believe that while the economy is currently taking a birdbath, a
recovery is inevitable as long as everyone keeps saying it.
bin Laden loved his television
The United States government has released a series of
letters recovered from Osama bin Laden’s stronghold,
many of which express dismay at the state of the world.
“Can you believe who got voted off the X Factor last
night?” reads one, “A jihad upon Simon Cowell!” Another
letter expresses dismay and self-doubt. “I just feel like I
blew my big chance, you know? We really had something
going, but I just wasn’t a strong enough leader to keep the
momentum. It’s so frustrating! Plus, Akbar also brought
me the last episode of LOST yesterday, and I was so
disappointed I cried.”
James
Submitted to the Lethbridge Journal
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LETHBRIDGE JOURNAL • WEEK OF MAY 11, 2012 • www.lethbridgejournal.ca 21
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