divine-mercy-in-my-soul

according to Your divine wishes. I enclose myself in Your most compassionate Heart,
which is a sea of unfathomable mercy.
1451 + I am ending the old year with suffering and beginning the new one with suffering as
well. Two days before the new year, I had to go to bed, I was feeling very bad, and a
violent cough was weakening me. And together with this, a constant pain in my
intestines and nausea had brought me to the point of exhaustion. Although I could not
join in community prayer, 224 I united myself spiritually with the whole community. When
the sisters got up at eleven o‟clock at night to keep vigil and welcome the New Year, I
had been writhing in agony since nightfall, and this lasted until midnight. I was uniting
my sufferings to the prayers of the sisters who were keeping vigil in the chapel and
atoning to God for the offences of sinners.
1452 When the clock struck twelve, my soul immersed itself more deeply in recollection, and I
heard a voice in my soul: (63) Do not fear, My little child, you are not alone. Fight
bravely, because My arm is supporting you; fight for the salvation of souls,
exhorting them to trust in My mercy, as that is your task in this life and in the life
to come. After these words, I received a deeper understanding of divine mercy. Only
that soul who wants it will be damned, for God condemns no one.
1453 Today is the Feast of the New Year. I felt so bad in the morning that I barely managed
to go to the next cell to receive Holy Communion. 225 I could not go to Mass because I
felt so sick, and I made my thanksgiving in bed too. I wanted so much to go to Mass
and then to confession to Father Andrasz, but I felt so bad that I could go neither to
Mass nor to confession. And because of this my soul suffered a good deal.
After breakfast, the Sister Infirmarian [Sister Chrysostom] came along and asked,
“Sister, why didn‟t you go to Mass?” IN answered that I couldn‟t. She shook her head
disdainfully and said, “Such a great Feast Day, Sister, and you don‟t even go to Mass!”
and she left my cell. I had been in bed for two days, writhing in pain, and she hadn‟t
visited me; and when she did come, (64) on the third day, she did not even ask if I were
able to get up, but asked irritably why I hadn‟t got up for Mass. When I was alone, I
tried to get up, but I was seized again with sickness, and so I stayed in bed with a calm
conscience. Yet my heart had plenty to offer the Lord, joining itself spiritually to Him
during the second Mass. After the second Mass, Sister Infirmarian returned to me, but
this time in her capacity as infirmarian, and with a thermometer. But I had no fever,
although I was seriously ill and unable to rise. So there was another sermon to tell me
that I should not capitulate to illness. I answered her that I knew that here one was
regarded as seriously ill only when one was in one‟s last agony. However, knowing that
she was about to give me a lecture, I replied that at the present time I was in no need of
being incited to greater zeal. And once again, I remained alone in my cell.
My heart was crushed with sorrow, and bitterness flooded my soul, and I repeated these
words: “Welcome New Year; welcome, cup of bitterness.” My Jesus, my heart is eager
for You, and yet the gravity of my illness prevents me from participating physically (65)
in the community prayers, and I am suspected of being lazy. My sufferings are
becoming greater. After dinner, Mother Superior [Irene] looked in for a moment, but she
left very soon. I intended to ask to have Father Andrasz come to my cell to hear my
confession, but I restrained myself from making the request for two reasons: first, not to
give occasion for murmuring, as had happened above in respect to Holy Mass; and
320