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4 The Back Page<br />
<strong>VIRGINIA</strong> <strong>LAW</strong> <strong>WEEKLY</strong><br />
Friday, 4 December 2009<br />
Exams: It’s Not What You Know, It’s Where<br />
You Don’t Know It<br />
Upon being informed this<br />
is my last column of the semester,<br />
it occurred to me that,<br />
Chris Mincher ’11<br />
Columnist<br />
more than likely,<br />
exams would be<br />
starting soon. Admittedly,<br />
some<br />
might be more tuned in to the<br />
academic calendar, but that’s<br />
only because these people are<br />
totally freaking themselves out<br />
about studying. Me? Studying<br />
doesn’t stress me out. Why<br />
would it? It’s not like professors<br />
are critiquing how well or<br />
long I study—hell, no one really<br />
even knows whether I bother<br />
to study or not! So that part’s<br />
easy. The tests, on the other<br />
hand . . . those sometimes give<br />
me trouble.<br />
People talk of the intense<br />
exam atmosphere: the rapid<br />
clicking of laptop keys, the<br />
hastened shuffling through<br />
papers, the bursts of profanity,<br />
the choked-back sobs, the<br />
wrenching screams of those<br />
who choose to fail with honor<br />
by submitting a death poem in<br />
lieu of an exam and committing<br />
somewhat inefficient seppuku<br />
with their Hogan & Hartson<br />
promotional pens. But the feeling<br />
I derive from lecture halls is<br />
far from acute panic caused by<br />
the high-pressure environment.<br />
Instead, for whatever reason,<br />
being in a classroom tends to<br />
quickly lull me into a fanciful<br />
world of sleepy daydreams,<br />
one where I’m roused every<br />
five minutes to check my email.<br />
This may have helped make<br />
the semester go by quickly,<br />
but it is decidedly unhelpful<br />
during the few hours I have to<br />
complete a test. As such, I’ve<br />
had to search out new venues<br />
in which to take exams, considering<br />
the many, many factors<br />
(other than “lack of legal<br />
knowledge”) that I have cited<br />
frequently to employers in excusing<br />
away disturbingly poor<br />
performance. Here, I share<br />
with you some tips on prime<br />
test-taking locales that have<br />
been oddly underutilized by<br />
the student body so far. This is<br />
perhaps because they are not<br />
technically designated examtaking<br />
areas; but how can you<br />
tell what you’re doing is wrong<br />
if there’s no honor pledge in the<br />
vicinity to remind you of it?<br />
The first thing to consider<br />
in choosing an exam space is<br />
whether your surroundings<br />
will compel fast work. I’ve<br />
surveyed the law school, and,<br />
for me, pretty much the entire<br />
complex does not fulfill this requirement.<br />
On the other hand,<br />
some of the most rapid work<br />
I’ve ever done has been completed<br />
in the front seat of my<br />
car. Sitting there, parked directly<br />
outside whatever venue<br />
at which the work is overdue,<br />
has, through the years, inspired<br />
many different levels<br />
of creative efficiency. With a<br />
laptop crammed up against<br />
the steering wheel, my cup of<br />
coffee sloshing as I continually<br />
bump my knee up against<br />
it, and stacks of disorganized<br />
papers hastily shoved up on<br />
the dashboard, certain truisms<br />
take hold: 1) I’m out of time; 2)<br />
I need to hand over something,<br />
anything at all, really; and 3)<br />
if I fail miserably, I probably<br />
needed to adopt more modest<br />
life ambitions anyway.<br />
Whereas a little informed<br />
stream-of-consciousness can<br />
usually help pad out a finished<br />
product, law school exams<br />
require a lot more. These<br />
realizations help open the<br />
floodgates, turning a stream<br />
of consciousness into a full-on<br />
debris-flow-of-consciousness,<br />
carrying damaged remnants of<br />
mangled legal information that<br />
surges unceremoniously onto<br />
the page. Plus, taking a final in<br />
the front seat of my car means<br />
that, even if the test is really going<br />
poorly, I can at least enjoy<br />
blasting my Whitesnake best-of<br />
CD as loud as I want while applying<br />
for jobs at RadioShack.<br />
Of course, staying inside the<br />
Law School has the benefit of<br />
extra time for mindlessly typing<br />
whatever pops into your<br />
head. The downside, however,<br />
is that one then has to deal with<br />
other students taking their exams<br />
as well. Some prefer to<br />
take their exams in Slaughter<br />
Hall, because, they say, there<br />
are fewer people in the rooms.<br />
Of course there are: Walking<br />
to Slaughter can take as long<br />
as two minutes—90 seconds of<br />
which immediately become a<br />
time advantage to competitors<br />
who rush into the first Withers-<br />
Brown lecture hall they see.<br />
I prefer to one-up even these<br />
folks, by taking my exam directly<br />
at the foot of the exam<br />
distribution table. When they<br />
hand me the test, I plop down<br />
Indian-style right there on the<br />
<br />
<br />
ground and get to work, saving<br />
as much as 15 or 20 seconds<br />
that would otherwise be wasted<br />
finding a room. Not only that,<br />
but immediately beginning<br />
your exam from the spot they<br />
hand it to you provides a competitive<br />
advantage, as others<br />
sprinting off to get started may<br />
trip over you, causing them, at<br />
best, serious injury, or, barring<br />
that, at least 25 more seconds of<br />
lost time. Ha! Suckers.<br />
Yes, being underfoot in the<br />
middle of the exam line may be<br />
somewhat annoying to others.<br />
But there certainly are ways to<br />
be more obnoxious: Few things<br />
are more agitating during an<br />
exam than those who believe<br />
the primary purpose of the time<br />
is to indulge in a four-hour<br />
meal. I actually have a strategy<br />
for the ever-present potato-chip<br />
consumption, letting it set a<br />
cadence to my typing; bobbing<br />
my head and hitting the keys<br />
rhythmically to the beat of percussive<br />
chomping, chewing,<br />
and lip-smacking, I can usually<br />
groove my way to a high word<br />
count. But I have a harder time<br />
dealing with the sizzle of chicken<br />
breasts cooking on a portable<br />
George Foreman USB iGrill<br />
(yes, this exists: http://www.<br />
thinkgeek.com/stuff/looflirpa/igrill.shtml),<br />
or the overpowering<br />
smell of someone’s<br />
mother’s homemade chili simmering<br />
in a crockpot plugged in<br />
right next to their laptop. (Turn<br />
it on when the exam starts, and<br />
it’s ready to serve right around<br />
the fourth hour of the exam!) I<br />
don’t even know where to begin<br />
with that fellow who set up his<br />
own personal hot buffet.<br />
Even worse than the sounds<br />
and smells when students turn<br />
their exams into wild, outof-control,<br />
Roman-orgy-style<br />
photo by Allen Abrams ’10<br />
Good enough for reading the Law Weekly; good enough for an exam.<br />
binge-and-purge feasts is the<br />
inevitable hunger it causes in<br />
other test-takers. It can be a<br />
devastating distraction during<br />
the exam to realize that you’ve<br />
unwittingly crumpled up and<br />
eaten the essay questions before<br />
completing them. That’s<br />
why I suggest taking your exam<br />
crouched under the soup table<br />
in Sidley Austin Café. No matter<br />
where you go for your exam,<br />
someone’s going to be eating<br />
something, so you might as well<br />
just surround yourself with it.<br />
And when your stomach starts<br />
to growl, there’s always a ladlefull<br />
of piping hot clam chowder<br />
within arm’s reach.<br />
Of course, the aftereffects of<br />
all that exam-time dining need<br />
to be considered. Whether you<br />
simply drank too much coffee<br />
during the preceding allnighter<br />
or your self-packed<br />
smorgasbord has fueled an<br />
intense stress-related, bowelrelated<br />
emergency, nothing<br />
bleeds more time from your<br />
exam block than biology. Those<br />
shrewd students who don’t<br />
want to interrupt their exam to<br />
answer the call of nature may<br />
want to consider taking their<br />
test in a bathroom stall. Other<br />
benefits: somewhat more privacy,<br />
and an endless supply of<br />
notepaper.<br />
People may think these ideas<br />
are crazy. But you know what<br />
I think is crazy? Re-reading all<br />
those pages and pages of law<br />
books that you’ve already read<br />
before! Why not read something<br />
new? The new Stephen<br />
King novel got good reviews.<br />
This week, I’ll be relaxed and<br />
enjoying it, knowing that all<br />
these venues will once and for<br />
all solve all my exam-taking<br />
woes.<br />
email: cm7fa@virginia.edu<br />
faculty quotes<br />
F. Schauer: [A]nd thank you to<br />
whomever keeps quoting me in<br />
the Law Weekly. But the funniest<br />
quote of the semester has come<br />
from another professor, one who<br />
teaches another Evidence section<br />
and happens to be my partner/<br />
girlfriend/whatever-you-callit-for-people-as-old-as-I-am.<br />
She said in her class, “Why is he<br />
quoted all the time and I am never<br />
quoted? I live with the guy; trust<br />
me, he’s not that funny.”<br />
J. Moore: I am, by the way,<br />
throwing out crazy options here<br />
of what might take place. I do not<br />
believe that last one will happen.<br />
Nor any of the others, for that matter.<br />
M. Collins: I am feeling much<br />
better, not that you care. I figured<br />
out what was wrong with me after<br />
a couple of quick tests. This is<br />
not a joke: I’m allergic to The New<br />
York Times . . . to the newsprint!<br />
Does anyone think this is actionable?<br />
I’m up for a lawsuit and I’ve<br />
always wanted to own a newspaper.<br />
D. Brown: Note to self: Don’t<br />
call the wife when you’re trying to<br />
call the mistress.<br />
M. Collins: If the park ranger<br />
comes along and kicks out your<br />
fire, that’s informal adjudication.<br />
M. Gilbert: As it turns out, for<br />
a lot of people, sex is a major life<br />
activity.<br />
K. Abrams: This is like a walk<br />
of shame.<br />
D. Brown: Just to cut down on<br />
the whispering and the IMing,<br />
yes, I am attempting to grow a<br />
mustache. It’s for a group called<br />
“Mustaches for Kids.” We’re on<br />
Facebook; it’s totally legitimate. I<br />
swear it’s not as pedophile-ish as<br />
it sounds.<br />
K. Abraham: Every once in a<br />
while, a bird flies over and poops<br />
on my head.<br />
Student: I can’t think of an example<br />
that wouldn’t be graphic . . .<br />
K. Abrams: How do you think<br />
I feel?<br />
D. Brown: Being dressed better<br />
than the professor—not a good<br />
way to win points with this socalled<br />
“blind grading” thing . . .<br />
J. Cannon: You’re bringing rich<br />
people here [to Charlottesville]<br />
and they’re going to need affordable<br />
housing people to make their<br />
lives good.<br />
J. Jeffries: (interrupted midclass<br />
by mechanical noises from<br />
an adjacent room) You’re not dean<br />
for a year—no place to park, and<br />
they shampoo your rugs when<br />
they damn well want to.<br />
Student: There are millions and<br />
millions of people not in western<br />
Europe or America that feel differently!<br />
A. Simmons: But they don’t<br />
write books in English.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
J. Jeffries: No one would have<br />
thought [separate black and white<br />
schools] were equal! Helen Keller<br />
wouldn’t have thought they were<br />
equal!<br />
M. Collins: If I remember correctly—and<br />
I do . . .