Winter 2013 - The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

Community
Teamwork
Tradition
Diversity

Volume LXXXVIII Winter 2013 Issue Three
Editors-in-Chief:
Jonah Lustig ‘13
Sam Pasternack ‘13
Monica Schechter ‘14
Executive Editors:
Raj Gopal ‘13
Nabil Mehta ‘13
Lance Wildorf ‘13
Daniel Weinblatt ‘13
Julia Hurley ‘14
Justin Starr ‘14
Managing Editors:
Evan Spiller ‘13
Nikhil Menezes ‘15
Kira Simon ‘15
Editor-in-cat:
Stevie ‘13
please date us, we’re
Editorial Staff
Business Editors:
Daniel Gelfarb ‘15
Jaimie Zhang ‘16
Associate Editors:
Michelle Kaplan ‘13
Monica Martin ‘13
Sarah Schlein ‘13
Jamie Picano ‘14
Daniela Bucay ‘15
Rob Golden ‘15
Tarek Elsayed ‘15
Hamza Qaiser ‘15
Zola Ray ‘15
Theo Trampe ‘15
Banished from USA:
Daniela Da Forno ‘13
Hayley Brooks ‘14
Naomi Mae Shavin ‘14
More Content Available Online at
thepunchbowl.net facebook.com/pennpunchbowl @ThePunchBowl
Back in my day, we didn’t have SAC. No, sir.
Sure, we had the kindness of Gary Alan Fine,
James Fuld, AT Piskai, Smokes, and DP
Dough. But you can’t live on calzones. Hell, we
lived in a calzone for four years during the war.
You whippersnappers need to count your blessings,
and SAC is blessing #1. We didn’t have
your luxuries of receiving free money in return
for publishing an extremely sarcastic magazine
written at a fourth-grade reading level a few
times a year. We had to work for our money.
Built character. Panhandle, steal, you name it.
I sold half my furniture and most of my sperm
before we had enough money to print our magazine.
Which was proudly written at a fifth grade
Big Spoons:
Emily Leven ‘14
Conor Nickel ‘14
Daniel Gillis ‘15
Andres Gonzalez ‘15
Connor Ryan ‘15
Jonathan Calles ‘16
Adam Cole ‘16
Noah Goldman ‘16
Meaghan Harding ‘16
Kishan Patel ‘16
America Perez ‘16
Brendan Smith ‘16
Shira Stearns ‘16
Jared Wishnow ‘16
Little Spoons:
Anita Gade ‘13
Elana Silberstein ‘13
Faryn Pearl ‘14
Suvadip Choudhury ‘15
Laura Doherty ‘15
Rod Cook ‘16
reading level. Perfect for the engineering students.
SAC just makes things easier for you kids
these days, like aerosol cans or pre-sliced cheese.
SAC is like New Year’s Eve – it keeps on trying
even though all it’s getting in return is three
hours of Ryan Seacrest and Justin Bieber. Seriously,
you’re lucky SAC hasn’t kicked you off
their list for printing this sorry excuse for a literary
publication. What’s publishing cost nowadays?
Fourteen fifty? Why, in my day that got
you a new bike or two cases of typewriter correction
fluid. Looks like you could use some of
that. Now go write a nice letter to SAC thanking
them for their generosity, or God forbid they’ll
start reading this garbage.
Copyright Punch Bowl 2013. Don’t steal. Half of us are pre-law so in about ten years you’ll get what’s coming.
Dear Best and Blightest,
It’s that time of the year again, and I for one couldn’t be happier to be back at Penn!
Nothing puts a smile on my face like opening my front door and being greeted by
the hustle and bustle of our student body making its way to class. As president of this
fine university, I hold an immeasurable amount of pride in our brilliant students, fine
learners, who are certain to be the movers and shakers of the future- AH TO HELL
WITH IT! I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE.
Truth is, you androgynous slugs, after four insufferable months you finally returned
to the desolate rodent wheels you call “homes,” and I was able to achieve some
much needed Amy time. I read some political philosophy, worked on my new book,
and was even able to catch a hilarious movie about a utopian society, Django Unchained.
Then I woke up one morning to see inebriated freshmen, stumbling onto
campus with maudlin squeals of how unbearable home life was without the cemented
friendships of their college hall. These friendships, just like a pile of cement on a
West Philadelphia sidewalk, will soon be shit upon by the proverbial homeless man
of Fraternity and Sorority Rush. Those arrogant sophomores are even worse than the freshmen. They come gallivanting
back having realized that the football players and/or cheerleaders who used to make their lives miserable are now miserably
working minimum wage jobs as gas station attendants and/or Denny’s waitresses. And don’t get me started on the juniors.
Fools, fresh from some “life changing abroad experience,” who will spend the next week engaged in a dick measuring
contest, boasting over who had the more exciting journey, only to lament the raucous parties and inside jokes they missed
out on right here at home. Worst of all are the seniors who return to campus with the horrible realization that they only have
one semester left. Ironically, their incessant bitching about their uncertain futures will prevent them from actually soaking
in and enjoying said final semester.
I hate this place with every fiber of my perfectly groomed and surprisingly moist being! I hate lying about how each class
is getting better, and smarter, and prettier every year. If anything you’re getting worse…and dumber…and uglier with each
coming academic season. I thought I stumbled onto a Tru TV special about inbred circus performers until I finally realized
it was just the Class of 2016 Convocation Ceremony!
The only thing worse than looking at you is trying to speak at you. I can’t stomach these brown nosing class board members
who think they’re connecting with me on a personal level because we have a fifteen minute lunch every semester where I
yawn about “how hard finals must be.” If you want a letter of recommendation from me you’ll have to earn it, like all the
others, by shoveling coal into my furnace and giving me a weekly vial of your tears (real tears, diluters get the clamps) for
beautification purposes.
I can’t stand the Professors: pretentious, overzealous toadies who talk the most but say the least. I can’t stand the grad students,
who are the same as the professors but greasier. I can’t stand the library, full of books that few read and even fewer
enjoy. I can’t stand the nearly infinite references to Ben Franklin. The man was a drunk and a womanizer, who everyone
believed was smarter than he actually was, a surprisingly appropriate idol for this Sodom of a university!
Maybe I should aspire to a more personally fulfilling occupation, like working at a nursing home. Old people aren’t that
bad. They just constantly throw up on themselves, never know where they are, and don’t stop talking about the good old
days. Oh damn it! They’re just like Penn Seniors during Spring Fling. And that’s only for one weekend!
Ah! Who am I kidding? People are dipshits everywhere. And I really don’t mind my job. I tolerate the students, and in general
I’m pretty okay with Penn. Penn, with its don’t-give-a-fuck social ivy attitude. Penn, a shroom in the pile of cow shit
that is West Philadelphia. Penn, where “Fuck Drexel” isn’t just a motto, it’s a way of life. You know what, there’s no place
I’d rather be.
Even if I do get the occasional “Show us your Tits” chant at Hey Day.
Show ‘em if you got ‘em,
Amy Gutmann, President

NEW!
Just
$19.99
A Day in the Life of “That Guy”
Everyone knows “that guy.” You deal with him everyday
as he goes about his business, annoying everyone around
him. Have you ever wondered about his life? What he
hopes, dreams, and won’t shut the fuck up about? A
brave Punch Bowl staff member secretly followed him
for a day to get some answers.
7:30 – Wakes up
7:32 – Pees on the seat
7:38 – Leaves pubes on roommate’s
soap
8:30 – Walks into wrong class
and exclaims, “This isn’t where I
parked my car!”
8:56 – Answers phone in class
9:02 – Answers teacher’s question using the words
“facetious” and “superfluous”
12:13 – Gets sauce all over the inside of panini press at
Commons
12:20 – Sits by himself at the biggest table, placing his
jacket and bag on separate chairs
2:40 – Puts subwoofers up against the wall of his dorm
room and blasts “Sandstorm”
4:14 – Invites hallmates over to watch “The League.”
Puts on “Cougartown”
9:30 – Takes two shots and is “so wasted, man”
10:32 – Doesn’t pay for his share of the alcohol, says to
“put it on my tab”
11:18 – Demands that 8 people help him with a kegstand
at frat party
11:18:03 – Kegstand ends
12:56 – Wanders into a Penn Dhamaka party
12:59 – Booted from the party after a tasteless racial
remark
1:09 - Stops by friend’s apartment to use bathroom
2:16 - Leaves bathroom and friend’s apartment without
saying goodbye
3:00 – Drools on the bong
3:30 – Lures a girl back to his room to “get her some
water”
3:40 – Puts on his “Hook-up Playlist,” consisting of all
Marvin Gaye songs
4:03 – Passes out mid-handjob

Coming
this
Spring!
PUNCHBILL
ACTORS
NEEDED
For a theatrical production of
Predator 2.
Please send a portrait and description
of prior experience to:
An Alternative to Infomercials
Theater Company
8844 South Broadway
New York, New York 10021
John Mansfield Jessica Cofton Michael Upford
After receiving
my B.A.
in Cinema
Studies from
Miami University
of
Ohio, I immediately
started acting
in some straight-to-internet action
films: “The Spy Who Fucked Me,”
“Reservoir Doggy Style,” and
“Happy Feet.” I prefer no less than
45 minutes of full-frontal nudity
per role.
I earned my
degree in
Theater Arts
from Juilliard
(Heard
of it?). Upon
graduation,
I decided to study the role of “the
waitress” for my future acting endeavors;
thus did I begin working
at a local hamburger eatery to immerse
myself in the part. I will take
any position that pays more than
$4.39 and a large fries per hour.
I left after
my first year
at Kareem
Abdul Jabbar
Vocational
School as a
Theater Production
major. I always thought
like, “Hey, why haven’t they made
a Halo movie yet? That’d be pretty
cool,” so I’ve spent the past few
years studying the Halo games and
sucking the cream out of Twinkies.
If you hire me, I’ll bring the Cheetos.
Rejected Le Mis Song Lyrics
In 1980, composer Claude-Michel Schonberg and lyricists Alain Boublil and Jean-Marc Natel premiered their original
musical stage adaptation of Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables. What is unknown to most musical theatre aficionados
is that Schonberg, Boublil, and Natel first attempted to adapt Hugo’s novel in 1949, but decided to hold off on
completing the work until they were adults.
The original French texts written by the young children have been recovered and translated to English for the very first time...
I Dreamed a Dream
I dreamed a dream but just last
night
I was in a pool
Of jello swimming
I thought that it would be divine!
But it was really just quite sticky
I went to school and I was late
I missed the bus
For time spent swimming
And when I finally arrived
There was physical fitness testing
Then my hands turned into fish
I had no clue how to feed them
When they spoke I heard them say
“Would you like to meet the
Queen?”
Do You Hear the People Sing?
Do you hear the people sing?
Singing the songs of angry men.
It is the music of my comrade
Who is in my brain again!
I believe his name is Klaus.
He often tells me what to do
I told my parents but they don’t
Believe that it’s true!
He’s my imaginary friend
That is what they say to me
But he helps me make decisions
Like when I have to pee
He told me to run away
If you serve me a Brussels sprout
I’ll move to his house on Mars
Without a doubt!
One Song More
One song more
It’s 9pm that is so late at night
This is the last one we should write tonight
Tomorrow will bring a new dawn
We’ll catch up on last night’s Pokemon
One song more
We could take songs we wrote before
And use their parts to make just one more
One song more
The Queen looked at my fishy hands
And turned them back into human hands
One more song before bedtime
Will Klaus ever let us sleep?
One more song because Klaus says so
He lives underneath my bed.
I promise I won’t miss the bus
Or I’ll get fish hands again
This musical is about us...

THE 2012 APOCALYSE: IT DIDN’T HAPPEN
Well 2012 is over and the Mayans look like a bunch of drama queens. Once again man has triumphed over our self-made hysteria and
fear-mongering. Life goes on, and death is now laughably far away. So here’s to a new era of reckless extravagance and global warming.
Life Goes On
Orissa, India: An Indian coalminer
rejoices at the opportunity
to spend many more years inside
the dark and dangerous caverns
working for incredibly small
wages.
Buried Underneath Mexico City,
Mexico: Mayan scholars craft
new calendars with novel holidays
such as New Thursday and
the Mid-April Solstice.
San Fernando Valley, CA: A
pornstar prepares for a triple
penetration scene involving two
handicapped steamboat workers
and a giant squid.
Admissions from the Night
of the Apocalypse
“All green apples look the same to me.”
“The Hitler mustache ain’t too shabby.”
“All this money DID bring me happiness.”
“Those times I said I was out bowling I was really out
playing golf.”
“Legalizing crack is the most important social issue in
America.”
“I laughed when Bambi’s mom died.”
“I saw Bin Laden on a bus in Penn’s Landing four years
ago and didn’t tell anyone.”
“I’m not a big fan of taxes.”
“I’ve actually never been to outer space.”
“I enjoy a nice bag of Funyuns every now and then.”
“I voted for Nader twice.”
“I once peed into a running vacuum cleaner.”
Even More Horrible Things Being Done in the Name of Penn
Washington D.C.: US President
Barack Obama frantically paces
around the Oval Office, wondering
what went wrong in his
doomsday plot and whether anyone
is onto him.
Flanders, Belgium: A young
warbler pecks at a mirror, blissfully
unaware that concepts of
fear and disaster can even exist.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania: A
humor editor struggles to put
together a comedy piece after assuming
she would be dead long
before the next deadline.
“There are seven businesses like show business.”
New Lease on Life
A checklist of things to do now that the world isn’t over
• Finish every episode of Law and Order: SVU
• Own a Starbucks franchise
• Finally finish my Beyonce-Michelle Obama-Pikachu love triangle fanfic
• Pay off juggling school debts
• Set a county record
• Invent a new cheese
• Make more checklists
• Resolve beef with Al Sharpton
• Fish that wombat out of the water heater
• Explain to kids why they have two daddies and a penguin babysitter
• Move “The Adjustment Bureau” up on my Netflix queue
• Defeat the notorious Shen-Ma and reclaim the dynasty
• Steal a kid’s bike
• Learn to ride a bike
• Pollute extra hard to make up for lost time
• Finish those Mallomars that have been sitting in the
cupboard for like 4 years
• Sleep my way to middle management
• Pronounce Worcestershire Sauce without crying mid-way through
• Man up and get a prostate exam
• Stop referring to myself as “The Kid”
• Finally finish reading the Spark Notes for The Brothers Karamazov
PHILADELPHIA, PA - The Penn community
is in a state of disbelief following
a series of leaked documents detailing
controversial studies taking place at
university labs. Studies revealed horrible
and inhumane experimentation, the likes
of which have not been seen outside of
North Korea.
One study, for example, revealed that five
adorable, three-month-old puppies found
dead under a floor grate last year were
actually subjects in a Penn Vet study of
drug function in adorable puppies trapped
under floor grates. In the report, lead scientist
Ralph Tinker is quoted as saying:
“We have found that our new drug is
capable of killing precious, fluffy baby
golden retrievers, when they are trapped
under a floor grate without food or water.”
Lab assistant Lisa Frankel is also quoted:
“Those were the most adorable puppies I
had ever seen. I’m so glad they died in the
name of science.”
But this only one of many depraved experiments
being conducted at the university.
Some other titles of research projects
include “Effects of Non-Kosher Foods on
Hillel Regulars”, “Inverse Correlation Between
the Depth of a Male’s V-neck and
Penis Length”, and “Effects of Uranium
on Lab-Induced Uranium Poisoning”.
The leaks also reveal that Penn studies
have played a part in the foundation of
fraternities on campus. One report shows
that Zeta Beta Tau, a well-known Jewish
fraternity, was founded as part of an
experiment to determine the effect of
Adderall on Jewish noses. Additionally,
documents reveal that experiments were
conducted by Brad to see how many beers
Chad can chug without passing out and
whether or not you think Thad’s sister
sucks dick.
Other notable studies include one in
which a rogue Penn Med scientist mated
with an orangutan, calling the creation
“Oranguman.” Another involved the synthesis
of soylent dolphin.
The leaks even show that experimenters
created fraudulent studies in order to
pursue their own vile ends. For instance,
in “Verbose Study on Phallus Laceration,”
scientists lured illiterate West Philly residents
into labs using flyers with flowery,
graduate-level language. Once in the
lab, all of their phalluses were lacerated.
“They done lacerated my phallus!” one
subject, Jeb D’Johnson, was recorded as
saying.
President Amy Gutmann, when asked
to respond to these leaks, said, “Penn is
known for its outstanding and groundbreaking
research. You don’t see Harvard
doing such innovative experiments as
“Guantanamo Highrise” and “The Seven-
Limbed Quaker.”
Check back to this magazine for an investigation
into the secret lives of Mormon
fish, coming on Wednesday (in this
magazine).

Study Abroad in Persia
2/8/12
Wow! What a long flight! After 13 hours, I’ve finally
arrived at the University of Persepolis (or as the locals
call it, Istanbul University). To prepare for my semester, I
watched Aladdin, Lawrence of Arabia, and Prince of Persia
on the way over. My first task was to get a cell phone
at the local bazaar. There, I tried bartering with one of the
bazaarkeeps, but he insisted prices were set by the heads
of the “radio shack.” I managed to persuade him to sell
me a Vodaphone by complimenting him on the modernity
of his so-called shack. Following that, I went straight to
the dorms in downtown Persepolis (or as the locals call it,
downtown Istanbul). There I met my roommate, Darius,
who much to my dismay had no ties to Persian royalty
whatsoever, but was rather a black college student from
Cleveland! What a ripoff!
3/13/12
Has it really been a month since I arrived in this mystical
land of sand and time? My time here has been a whirlwind
of olive-scented afternoons and steamy Arabian
nights. My professors keep insisting that this is technically
not an Arabic country, but Persians have been known to be
confused by the heat of the mid-day sun. I’ve had no luck
in my search to find a princess to marry against her will,
but not for lack of effort! Unfortunately, I’ve been ordered
to attend several seminars on sexual assault as a result. Oh
Agrabah!
5/2/12
I stumbled upon a lamp one afternoon, and hoping that a
genie might be inside, I rubbed it vigorously. One of my
fellow students suggested that I inhale from the lamp,
presumably to fully unlock the genie within. As I was
inhaling, he also mentioned that the lamp contained PCP
(Persian Crystal Potion?). And once I had finished imbibing
the ancient PCP, oh! What glory and splendor! The
genie rose forth in unparallelled power, dancing before
me. I implored him to grant me riches for a thousand lifetimes,
but somehow I woke up 3 hours later in a dumpster
downtown.
6/4/12
I can’t believe my time here is almost over! There are so
many things I haven’t gotten the chance to do yet, like
battle the King of Thieves and free Robin Williams from
slavery. And I’ve only met three talking parrots! Still, I am
just about ready to leave. As I expected, the locals don’t
comprehend my Western ways. They call me “racist” and
“uninformed” and “unaware that I’m in Istanbul.” They
say I will never amount to anything more than a street rat.
They don’t understand me, but that’s ok. If I’ve learned
anything from my experience here, it’s that I am truly a
diamond in the rough.
Location:
Each morning, you can watch the sun
rise over the medium-sized buildings of
the 69th largest city by area in the United
States! As you step onto your crumbling
front porch, breathe in the fresh, diesel
air, and drink in the view of obviously
disregarded building codes!
Housing:
Safety:
?
Study Abroad: West Philly
University City Housing, a fantastic local
real estate company, has agreed to house
our students for the semester! No need to
check online reviews, UCH is known for
their clean, rodent-free, foundationallysound
houses. To reiterate, no need to
check the reviews.
Academics:
The fear of being on the streets causes
students to spend hours studying in our
beautiful study spaces. We also use the
surrounding environment to craft our
curriculum. Students must take 1 of 3
core classes:
ARCH 203: Use of Broken Glass
GEOG 252: Where Not to Go
MKTG 243: Marketing and Sale of Narcotics
Employment:
Potential jobs are located right on our
doorstep, and employers often visit campus
for new recruits. Students frequently
find jobs at local auto-repair shops,
pharmacies, and street-corner tour guide
agencies.

Lies of a Penn Education
1) No, that half Ugandan half Eskimo kid got in
on his own merit.
2) You won’t spend 45 fucking minutes in line for
a class board beer mug only to find out that there
are none left.
3) Next year our rankings will go up.
4) Allied Barton security professionals have gone
through all necessary training procedures.
5) That homeless guy wearing his socks over his
shoes really is a Vietnam Vet.
6) You are the best and brightest students in the
world and will most definitely not be curve fodder
for the Asian students.
7) You can fit in without owning a black peacoat
or Longchamp.
8) Admissions officers will definitely read the
extra 3 letters of recommendation and your art
supplement.
9) Penn offers a multitude of job opportunities in
fields beyond finance and consulting.
10) The president lives on campus, and definitely
not with her husband in New York.
11) Throwing the toast is a tradition that you will
value long after your freshman year.
12) Nah, that guy didn’t pee on you last night. I
was totally watching out for you, girl.
13) Academic advisors want what’s best for you.
14) Your friendships with Whartonites will be
genuine and fulfilling.
15) No one has ever peed on that statue before.
Ever.
16) Barely any courses at Penn are taught by
Teaching Assistants.
17) Eighteen cents is enough to support the man
outside of Wawa.
18) I can’t believe you were waitlisted at Yale!
19) Val Ross exists.
20) You will develop deep, intimate relationships
with your professors.
21) Sex! You will have so much sex that your penis/vagina
will beg you to stop! ...Or at least once
before you graduate.
22) We call that big button over there the “Statue
of the Three Lies.”
23) Gregory is a place where you can explore new
things and feel a real sense of community.
24) The fraternity culture doesn’t really dominate
the social scene here.
25) Leges sine moribus vanae.
ID Id OF THE WEEK
If you haven’t heard of the Id, you must be
living under a rock. It’s impossible to go to a
party on campus without seeing the Id there, as
he’s always stealing the spotlight and smooches.
Id took the time out of his busy, depraved
schedule to talk to us.
Bowl: So what do you do on campus?
The Id: I beat the shit out of people! Just fuckin
pissin’ me off! Wanna bang their head against a
streetlamp! You don’t know me you little bitch!
Bowl: What advice would you give freshmen?
Id: I like to beat things. People. My cock. Your
cock. I like to beat things.
Bowl: What’s your best pickup line?
Id: Show me! Show me all of the things!!!
Bowl: What’s your guilty pleasure?
Id: Quell the voices Jesus! No. Satan teaches
me the lessons you’re afraid to.
Bowl: What does your PennCard say about you?
Id: Fire. This should fucking be on fire. Burn
it, monster!
Bowl: What will you miss most about Penn?
Id: JERKING OFF IN BOOKS ABOUT infertility
THEN leaving them there.
Bowl: Biggest pet peeve?
Id: It’s not masturbating if it’s on a playground.
Then it’s playing. Don’t tell on me. Don’t tell on
me. DON’T YOU FUCKING TELL ON ME.
Bowl: What Disney Princess are you?
Id: Stalin. I want to fuck my sister!
Bowl: Where’s your favorite place to
eat on campus?
Id: Uuuughhhhhh. All done.
Bowl: What’s the farthest
west you’ve gone in Philly?
Id: This one time I picked up a
transvestite prostitute and he let
me buy two tickets to stank town.
Father was none too pleased! Was he?
Bowl: Which Sex and the City
character are you most like?
Id: SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX FUCK ME
I’M A CHILD.
Bowl: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Id: I am not capable of future-directed thinking.
Bowl: What’s the best date you’ve ever been on?
Id: Fisting at the Jack in the Box.
The one. The only.
Bowl: What “Friends” character would you be?
Id: The one with the dicks for hands and the top
hat.
Bowl: Are you more of a T-Swift or Bieber fan?
Id: SHUT THE FUCK UP! JUST SHUT THE
FUCK UP FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND
YOU PRETENTIOUS FUCK! NO ONE
CARES ABOUT YOUR FUCKING
OPINIONS OR YOUR HIPSTER
MAGAZINE.
Bowl: What’s a typical Friday night for you?
Id: Wanna rub moss all over you and
make you feel like a DIRTY LITTLE
ROCK.
Bowl: What’s something that really
makes your day?
Id: What did you just say? WHAT? DON’T
YOU FUCKING LOOK AWAY FROM ME!
THESE HANDS WILL TEACH YOU.
Bowl: Which of John Mayer’s exes would you be?
Id: I want you to eat it. Like a dog. Get in the
cage.