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talk blacks out of their rage if they threaten me. There is it, my
fear of black anger.
In the shop owned by my father, we always knew that inevitably,
blacks would try to shop lift. At home we used to lock up the
cupboards lest nanny and other servants got tempted and stole
our property. I could never sit next to a black person unless I had
to. Not only did I fear theft, I also feared the way they spoke loudly,
the way they were vocal, and so expressive in language and gesture,
throwing arms in the air and probably hitting you in the
process. Black people’s ways can be intimidating and I must admit
that I am still intimidated; the way their women make statements
with hands on the hip, or pointing a fat black finger for emphasis.
Back to my school days, one of the most debilitating and humiliating
experience was when one day, a school textbook was stolen and
a thorough search revealed that the textbook was in possession of
a white boy. We did not believe it; we argued that one of the black
kids had either stolen the book and hidden it in the white boy’s
bag or that the poor boy had put it in his bag by mistake. We
refused to believe that one of us could steal. This was a profession
reserved for the blacks. The theft threw the class into a heated
argument and for a long time, the divide between white and black
was intensified. Interestingly, the culprit did not defend himself as
violently as most of us defended him. However, it did not matter;
we were comforted by the fact that we were not defending one
person. We were defending the white race.
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As I look back, I remember that even the teachers affirmed the
white boys more regardless of their performance and behaviour
than they did the blacks. This was comforting. My own parents
continued to believe in their own racial superiority. They continued
to justify the inferior status of the blacks. They used religion,
historical accounts, education and fiction to justify their own superior
status. They gave one example after another in an attempt to
prove that blacks were unreliable, thieves, cheats, stupid; …I was
feeling insecure all the same. Things were falling apart. Were we
superior?