Clay Doctor - Clay Minerals Society

The Annotated
Clay Doctor
D. D. Eberl
Peg Buschman

For Karuna, Jo and Luke
Christmas 2008
2

Introduction
I dreamed up Ask the Clay Doctor for The Clay Minerals Society (CMS)
Newsletter, which my wife, Jo, started and edited as a part of her job as the Society’s
manager. At first I thought it would be an advice column, where scientists would write in
to ask, for example, “What do you do when clay peels off the X-ray slide?” And I would
reply, “Put some scotch tape on it.” But then I realized that: (1) no one would write in;
and, (2) no one would read the column, because it would be too boring. So I made up
both questions and answers, and an offbeat persona was born.
At that time, NPR had a comedy feature (by the Firesign Theatre) called Ask Dr.
Science. “Dr. Science is smarter than you are, because he has a Master’s degree---in
Science!” This radio program inspired the Clay Doctor, who is part Dr. Science, part
Dear Abby, part Zen koan, part Jack Handey. Some examples of Jack Handey’s humor:
“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”
“I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't
know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what
we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."”
“Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year,
but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.”
Not everyone will find Jack Handey funny.
Bill Johns said that the column should be called “Ask Dr. Clay,” but I liked “The
Clay Doctor” better, because it sounded clunkier, and, therefore, funnier. Beneath the
column’s title was the line, “Not a real doctor.” Some scientists may be unaware that
having a Ph.D. does not make them a real doctor. Ask a Jewish mother.
I did not put my byline on the column so that other people could send in their
ideas too: there would be many clay doctors. Mostly, only questions were sent in, which
the Clay Doctor parried, often with devastating results for the questioner. Some people
got the joke, and sent in both questions and answers. But to me these Clay Doctors did
not seem as funny; so, although they were published in the newsletter, they are, for the
most part, not included here. Sorry Warren.
After Jo quit the CMS job, and the newsletter folded because no one came along
with Jo’s originality and energy to keep it up, other Clay Doctors were written in the
form of essays rather than as questions and answers. Some of these were submitted to
Elements magazine, but most were rejected: Not funny enough? Not serious enough?
Too funny? Too risqué? They never said. Elements is a slick publication put out by
several scientific societies, including the CMS. It is fairly new, and it may have been
partly inspired by Jo’s newsletter. Recently, the editor for the CMS section of Elements
(Steve Hillier) said that the Clay Doctor was missed; so I sent him more nonsense to see
if it would clear the overall editor. It did not. Mineralogy, after all, is a serious business.
3

Below is a collection of Clay Doctors, with commentaries that discuss some of the
history and humor behind the stories. Except for the first piece, the failed essays to
Elements are presented first, followed by questions and answers that appeared in the
CMS newsletter.
4

How I Won the Reynolds Cup
The Clay Doctor
Dept. of Earth, Wind, Fire and Water Sciences, Clayhead University,
9-10 Big Fat Hen Road, Rockland, BA 00002
I suddenly became interested in minerals at a very young age, when other kids
began to throw rocks at me. Rocks that contained clay hurt less; so I began to wonder
how much kaolinite is in this one, how much galena in that. My father bought me my
first X-ray diffractometer when I was 10, and there was no turning back. While other
children were reading Tales from the Crypt Comics, and later Hustler Magazine, I was
reading the X-ray Powder Diffraction Card Files, memorizing d-spacings. So when Dr.
Douglas McCarty from Chevron-Texaco sent me the three unknowns that contained
mixtures of pure mineral separates, I was ready to analyze them quantitatively.
I analyzed the samples as follows. They came in the mail in an Airborne Express
pouch. I opened the pouch with a dry-wall knife that is kept in the second drawer from
the top in the X-ray lab. It is the type that has a retractable blade. Then the bottles were
removed from the package, and I analyzed them.
I am so undeserving of this honor, but am happy to have become the first winner
of the Reynolds Cup. I would like to thank my parents, my music teacher, and the little
gal who let me turn left into the parking lot this morning. I especially thank Dr. McCarty
for mistakenly sending me the answers along with the bottles, which saved a lot of
analysis time. I realize that in accepting this award I will be responsible for helping to
organize the next competition. Also, I understand that the Cup is not permanently mine,
but that it will circulate to the next winner. Therefore, in some ways, the Reynolds Cup
is similar to the Stanley Cup, except for the hockey. Now I kiss the Cup, raise it above
my head, and run around the meeting room yelling, wrapped in a flag.
In the (unlikely) event that I do not win, I will relinquish this time at the podium
to the real winners so that they can explain how they won the Reynolds Cup.
Commentary
Kathy organized a CMS meeting in Boulder in 2002, and asked me for a
contribution by the Clay Doctor. I sent her the above abstract, to be published in the
meeting’s abstract volume. It was meant to be funny, but also to delineate rules for the
newly instituted Reynolds Cup competition. Then I missed one of the organizational
meetings, and I think that Kathy took offense, because she did not put the abstract in the
volume. I would not want to call her a bitch. Later, she did release it as a flyer at the
meeting, with an apology. I was a little disturbed, but later got my revenge.
The Reynolds Cup is an international competition in quantitative mineral analysis
started by Jan Srodon, Dougal McCarty and me. It was started to improve mineral
analysis methods, which then were being done very poorly in most labs. The contest is
named after Dougal’s and my geology professor at Dartmouth, Bob Reynolds. I asked
Bob if he wanted the prize to be a trophy or a cup, and he said a cup.
5

I made the cup from rocks bought at Roy Young’s store (Nature’s Own): two
bookends, made of polished, black, Moroccan limestone that contained belemnite fossils,
were glued together, and topped by a large, beige-colored mortar and pestle composed of
a fossiliferous limestone from Pakistan. The cup’s symbolism denoted that this is a
working-analyst’s prize. The samples could be ground with the Cup’s mortar and pestle.
On one side of the trophy, a quarryman from the Tribble Stone Company inscribed,
“Reynolds Cup” in fancy letters. On the other side was inscribed, “Champion,
Quantitative Mineral Analysis.” I wanted the winner to be called a champion, because
anyone devoted enough to win the Reynolds Cup probably never had that opportunity,
and because the Reynolds Cup was to be a fierce competition, like the Ultimate Cage
Fighting Championship, but without the punching, hugging and rolling around on the
floor.
So the Clay Doctor, ever confident, sent in an abstract proclaiming that he had
won the Reynolds Cup, even though the contest had not yet been judged. The Clay
Doctor is from the Department of Earth, Air, Fire and Water. When I went to college,
such places were called geology departments. Then, as funding sources changed, so did
the names, from Department of Earth Sciences, to Department of Environmental
Sciences, to Department of Earth and Planetary Sciences. We’ll call it whatever you
want, just keep the funds flowing. The Clay Doctor’s departmental name covers the
ground, and has returned to science’s alchemical roots.
The abbreviation for the state, where his department is located, is “BA,” which is
a trap. I thought no one would ever fall into this trap, but then Kathy asked me, “What
does BA mean?” I answered, “BA means Bad Ass. You win the Bad Ass Award!” She
said, “No, I don’t!” Unexpected revenge is so sweet! There must be a God. If there is
no God, then at least there must be a Jesus.
The Clay Doctor can’t just accept his award quietly, with humility and gratitude.
Rather, he needs to tell us his life’s story. As a young boy, instead of wondering why
6

kids are throwing rocks at him, whether there is some character flaw that he can correct,
or instead of getting to the root of the problem by confronting the other kids, he studies
the rocks that hit him, with the ineffective strategy of measuring the ones that hurt least.
Do many careers in science start this way? The kids who attacked him were
mineralogically sophisticated: they didn’t just throw rocks, they threw galena crystals,
which are made of lead, which hurt like crazy.
This poor kid never had a chance. His father bought him a $100,000 instrument
when he was 10. The thinking was (maybe still is) that kids should begin their career
training early, so that they can compete when they grow up. That is how America will
beat the Russians (Japanese/Chinese/Falkland Islanders). However, wouldn’t it have
been better for the young Clay Doctor to have fun, to read comics rather than to serve the
corporate masters?
“Dr. Douglas McCarty,” that is a joke in itself. I do not think that anyone would
have predicted that a juvenile delinquent from Bozeman would have become such a fine
scientist. Doing his B.S. with Gray, and his Ph.D. with Reynolds helped a lot, and now
he works with Victor Drits. Smart guy. Lucky guy to have been both a delinquent and a
scientist.
The Clay Doctor says that he is going to tell you how he analyzed the Reynolds
Cup samples, and then tells how he opened the sample box. Later we learn how he won
the Cup: he cheated.
He thanks everyone, his parents, his music teacher (because you always have to
thank your music teacher), and reveals himself to be a sexist pig by thanking the “little
gal.” One can imagine a woman in a car, waiting for him to turn left, waving him on,
saying to herself, “Come on, turn, you old fart!”
When I started to study geology, there were no women in the science, and it was
common for speakers to make sexist remarks, even show slides of nudes while making
manly jokes. When this atmosphere changed, it changed fast. Some scientists were
caught off guard, not knowing about the change during their interview lecture, and were
not hired as departmental chairman. Calling the woman a “little gal” in this piece is a
retro joke, and you can hate the Clay Doctor for it, rather than me.
The first person to win the Cup is a great guy, Reinhard Kleeberg, from East
Germany. Years ago he was an East German soldier, guarding the Communist side of the
Berlin Wall, listening to a Rolling Stones concert coming from the western side. One
night he almost shot someone who he thought was trying to cross the wall. His finger
almost squeezed the trigger. He barely held back. At that time, East Germans were
demonized by the West. Now we find that they had wonderful scientists and people like
Reinhard.
7

Streaking Towards Mars: Faster, Cheaper, Dumber
Rather than launching expensive and delicate spectrometers and diffractometers
to study Martian mineralogy, NASA would be well advised to send an inexpensive and
sturdy tool that is used in beginning mineralogy classes. The streak plate, a simple piece
of unglazed porcelain tile, reveals diagnostic colors for minerals that are scratched on its
surface. For example, the characteristic streak for quartz is white, whereas that for halite
is white, and that for gypsum also is white. Such accuracy and precision is impressive for
any technique, but these analyses are surpassed by the streak plate’s power to distinguish
specular hematite from galena. Both minerals are silvery grey in hand specimen, but one
streaks dark red, whereas the other streaks gray. It is important to discover which
mineral is on the Martian surface, because the presence of specular hematite means that
water was present, and water means life; whereas, the presence of galena means that lead
is present, and lead means Superfund cleanup. Given a robotic arm long enough, and a
place to streak, this technique can analyze a world!
Clay.doc
Winter 2008
Commentary
This essay, rejected by Elements magazine, offers a modest suggestion to help
NASA’s “Faster, Better, Cheaper” policy, which ended up dropping a space probe on a
laboratory floor, and crashing several others into Mars. NASA claimed that they chose a
certain Martian landing site because an orbiting spectrometer showed that specular
hematite was present in a crater, and they knew that the presence of hematite means that
water was present. I pointed out on MSA-Talk that hematite did not need water to form,
and I was backed up by other scientists. One wrote to me and said, “The Emperor has no
clothes, right?” However, the Mars lander did find millions of hematite spheres at the
site, which were dubbed “Martian blueberries.” One idea is that these blueberries are
glass spherules formed by molten rock thrown up by meteorite impact. Another
suggestion is that they are concretions formed from solutions that flowed through the
rocks. A Frenchman (Denis Royer) measured their size distributions from Opportunity
Rover photos, and I found that these distributions fit exactly our crystal growth theory.
According to this approach, the blueberries in the Eagle Crater formed initially by
Ostwald ripening, and those on the Victoria Crater rim formed by proportionate growth,
both occurring in water. I went to the Utah desert to study similar concretions, called
Moqui Marbles or Moqui Balls, got lost in the desert, but luckily found my way out with
a GPS unit. I shouldn’t have been wandering there alone. I took photos of the Moqui
Marbles, and Royer was going to measure their size distributions from the photos, but he
lost interest when his wife died suddenly. So now there is an excuse to go to the desert
this fall. I need a field assistant. Any volunteers?
The last sentence in the essay paraphrases Archimedes’ famous exaggeration,
“Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I shall move the World.”
9

Let Us Eat Clayke
I have combined equal parts clay (Wyoming bentonite) with Betty Crocker
chocolate cake mix, baked it, and have invented a food supplement that not only tastes
good, but that is very good for you. The cake part tastes good, whereas the bentonite part
fills you up and absorbs toxins. The bentonite even absorbs toxins that may come from
the cake mix. Upon digestion, the bentonite toxin-rich paste then is excreted and
recycled. The bentonite is purified and used as before, and the toxins are reprocessed,
refined, and turned into useful products, such as lead-cadmium storage batteries and rat
poison. I have filed a patent for this process, and I thank the editors for publishing this
note to establish priority.
Clay.doc
Summer 2008
Commentary
Those are some toxins that the clay absorbs. Like many environmentally correct
ideas, this one may be hard to implement. This note was meant for the bentonite issue of
Elements. I take back my thanks to the editors for publishing it.
10

MEETING ANNOUNCMENT
First International Meeting of the Transectual Society
Palace Hotel, San Francisco
October 15 to 31, 2007
Join us for the first annual meeting of the Transectual Society, a society devoted
to the use of transects to study planet Earth. This powerful approach to science has
distinguished roots with 19 th century and early 20 th century explorers: Robert Peary,
Lewis and Clark, and Robert F. Scott, to name a few, were all transectuals, There will be
a pre-meeting workshop entitled: “Planetary Transects of Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, and
Beyond”. The second day will feature a keynote address by California Senator Barbara
Boxer entitled, “Great Transectuals and their Transects.” The mid-meeting field trip will
take 10 days to transect the Death Valley graben on foot, including the adjacent mountain
ranges. Good hiking boots and a canteen are required! Other special sessions include:
“Soil Transects of North America,” being organized by Professor I. M. Grubby from
Harvard University; “What Ice Cores from the 2006 Greenland Transect Tell Us: We
Don’t Know” by U. R. Knott and his research group at Naropa University; and
“Transects and Tangerines: Recent Equatorial Traverses,” by Hooptagupta Ganymede.
We will be happy to see you and to hear your paper at the meeting, and you will be glad
to see us on your resume. For more information please consult our website:
www.claydoctor.org.
Commentary
Elements wouldn’t publish a simple meeting announcement! There is much to be
said in favor of the CMS publishing its own uncensored newsletter, especially when our
society pays tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege of being in Elements.
11

Nanoscience is Clay Science
Fans have asked for my nanothoughts concerning the last issue of Elements
magazine. Being a clay scientist, I have worked with Angstrom units for my entire
career. But with the aid of specialized software and my IBM XT 286 computer, now I
am up to date. I even discovered a shortcut for converting Angstroms into nanometers in
my head. It is necessary only to move the decimal point one place to the left. By this
method, 10 Å illite becomes 1 nm illite, and clay science enters the wonderful funding
world of nanotechnology.
An important advance was made in this manner several years ago when a brilliant
scientist, by accident, but working with a prepared mind, moved the decimal point one
place in the wrong direction, thereby discovering the ninnymeter. The name of that
scientist was Alfred E. Ninny, and the rest is history. Unfortunately, the ninnymeter has
the same abbreviation as the nanometer (nm), leading to confusion in the literature. For
this reason, some scientists have decided to retain the Å, and their work can be
distinguished by the presence of a big A and a tiny A hole.
I congratulate the editors and authors of Elements for the excellent nanoscience
issue. I rate it four out of a possible four quantum dots. However, I should like to see a
similar issue devoted to ninnyscience, to be written by the top ninnyscientists. After all, a
ninnymeter is two orders of magnitude smaller than a nanometer, and therefore is exactly
100 times more interesting. A ninnyissue would encourage the present trend to explore
smaller and smaller objects, taking us closer to the ultimate goal of realizing everything
there is to know about nothing at all.
12

Dear Clay Doctor: I have just read Cairns-Smith and Hartman’s book (Clay Minerals
and the Origin of Life) in which clays are considered to be inorganic precursors to
organic life forms, and I was wondering: do clays have a sex life?
Really Interested, Missoula
Dear Really: Clay Mineralogists have long been trying to discover what goes on
between the sheets. The problem has been to determine whether a particular clay is male
or female. For some clays, such as dickite, the answer is clear enough; but for others the
answer demands years of study. In one experiment, I put a sample of halloysite next to a
particularly voluptuous piece of montmorillonite, and detected panting.
Commentary
Reynolds said that he laughed out loud when he read the part about the sheets,
which is a double entendre concerning the structure of clays, which have sheet-like
arrangements of atoms. Maybe clay scientists are naive about such things. The dickite
joke goes back to the venerable Dartmouth professor, Dick Stoiber, who curated a locked
display case in the Geology Department, one that featured a new mineral every week.
One morning the display contained a penis-look-alike mineral with the label, “Dickite.”
“Who would do such a thing?” asked Dick innocently. “I am the only one who has the
key!” Sometimes Dick would party most of the night, and then lecture his 8 AM class
lying on his back on a desk, gesturing to the ceiling. True clay scientists can understand
it when montmorillonite is termed “voluptuous,” can empathize with halloysite’s great
interest in this swelling clay, and can pity their lack of ambulatory powers.
13

Dear Clay Doctor: I am so confused. What is the difference between an Angstrom and a
nanometer?
Fill me in, Binghamton
Dear Fill: The conversion from nanometers (nm) into angstroms (Å) is quite simple: use
the formula nm = 5/9 (Å-32); or even more simply, move the decimal point one place to
the left. Moving the decimal point in the opposite direction (i.e., one place to the right),
converts angstroms into ninnymeters, which, unfortunately, have the same abbreviation
as nanometers (nm). Ninnymeters were discovered by Alfred J. Ninney, who found that
illite has a 100 nm X-ray peak. The rest is history.
Commentary
The equation given actually converts degrees Fahrenheit into degrees centigrade.
A distinguished clay scientist from Israel actually did write a paper in which he moved
the decimal point in the wrong direction. The Clay Doctor almost used his name, but
then decided that he wouldn’t like to be reminded.
Dear Clay Doctor: I like clay minerals, and I also like professional football. If Joe
Montana, quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, were a clay mineralogist, what clay
would he study?
Clay fan, Houston
Dear Clay: Nontronite.
Commentary
This may be the most sophisticated Clay Doctor. The questioner wants to
combine two loves, clay mineralogy and professional football. It is like the climber Boyd
Everett, who loved climbing, bridge and golf. So he drove a ball off the north face of Mt.
Logan in the Yukon, and played the highest game of bridge in history on its summit.
What clay would Joe Montana study if he studied clay? Who can answer such a
question? It is like asking a Zen Master, “What is the meaning of life?” How the hell is
he supposed to know? However, the Clay Doctor is such an expert on clay that he can
answer even this question, and the answer is the iron-rich clay, nontronite.
14

Dear Clay Doctor: The other day I was in the farmyard feeding zeolite to my chickens
(zeolite keeps the smell down and helps make the egg shells stronger), and I got to
wondering, which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Farmer Brown, Brockport
Dear Farmer Brown: Thank you for your interesting question. Profound thoughts such
as yours often occur to people who handle clay-size material. The answer to your
question, however, is quite simple and quite obvious: of course, the chicken came first.
How else could there be an egg?
Commentary
Farmer Brown is Fred Mumpton, a scientist who wore suspenders, was editor of
the CMS journal for many years, and lived in Brockport. The chicken-egg argument was
inspired by talk given in Hyde Park, London, by a tanned little Englishman who, naked
except for a pair of shorts, gave a talk on the subject to a large crowd, and who, like the
Clay Doctor, completely missed the paradox.
15

Dear Clay Doctor: I have traveled the world searching for the answer to this one: What
is the most fundamental science? Can you help me?
Truth Seeker, Lubbock
Dear Truth Seeker: Physicists especially will be surprised to learn that clay science is
the most fundamental science. Why is this so? We know from the work of Cairns-Smith
and Hartman (Clay Minerals and the Origin of Life) that all life came from clay minerals.
Therefore, after a long evolutionary process, the study of clay is nothing less than clay
trying to get to know itself.
Commentary
Hartman and Carins-Smith held a conference in Glasgow on Clays and the Origin
of Life that I attended. This Clay Doctor is poking fun at them, and their good idea, for
which there is no evidence. A German (Armand Weiss) wrote a highly original paper on
this topic, and he was to be a featured speaker at the conference. Unfortunately, he said
that most of his evidence burned up in a fire, and he never showed up.
16

Dear Clay Doctor: I was riding my motorcycle through New Hampshire when I noticed
flashes of light coming from the road cuts. On closer inspection, I found that the flashes
were sunlight being reflected from mica flakes! The question then occurred to me: Are
there different kinds of mica?
Biker, Hanover
Dear Biker: I also have found that, next to the petrographic microscope, the best way to
study coarse-grain phyllosilicates is on a bright summer day on a Harley at 80 mph. In
answer to your question, there are three major classes of mica: (1) white mica, which
includes muscovite, commonly found in granites; (2) brittle mica, which includes
margarite, a calcium-rich variety; and, finally, (3) Formica, which includes fornikite,
commonly found in Australia.
Commentary
This is one of several Clay Doctors that were aimed at Bob Reynolds, who rode a
motorcycle around Hanover, New Hampshire. There actually is such an outcrop that is
visited by Dartmouth students. Formica, of course, is not a mica at all, but is used to
cover kitchen counters. “Fornikite” uses the Australian pronunciation: “Do you like ta
fornikite, myte?”
Bob Reynolds with his dirt bike
17

Dear Clay Doctor: I’ve been having one heck of a time preparing stable clay
suspensions. First I disperse the clay in salt water using ultrasonics, and then I spin it in a
centrifuge for the time recommended by Jackson; but when I open the centrifuge, the clay
always has settled to the bottom of the centrifuge tube. I’ve tried it with kaolinite; I’ve
tried it with montmorillonite; and I’ve tried it with illite—all with the same result. What
do you suggest?
Suspended, Paris
Dear Suspended: Have you tried it with hectorite?
Commentary
Anyone who deals with clay knows that the problem is that the writer is using salt
water, which causes the clay to flocculate. The Clay Doctor reveals his ignorance by
telling him to try another clay, rather than to use distilled water.
Dear Clay Doctor: Regarding your last column, I do not correlate Joe Montana with
nontronite. Is it non-throw-tonight—yet that doesn’t seem right for Joe? Or is it that Joe
Montana’s name is “mud” to Coloradoans?
Walter D. Keller, Columbia
Dear Prof. Keller: The reason Joe Montana, given the chance, would study nontronite
should be fairly obvious. It is the same reason for which Michael Jordan would study
berthierine.
Commentary
Professor Keller was nearly 100 years old when he wrote this; so he should just
shut up about the 49ers beating the Broncos. He also wrote to say that he didn’t
understand why halloysite would be panting over montmorillonite.
18

Dear Clay Doctor: What are future directions for research in clay mineral
crystallography?
Refined Structure, Madison
Dear Refined Structure: In the future, clay crystallographers will not use noxious
radiations, such as X-rays, to study clays. Clays have been ultra violated long enough!
Tomorrow’s crystallographers will grow giant clay crystals. Then the structure of
montmorillonite, for example, will be determined directly, as it should be, by walking
through the crystal with a protractor and a meter stick. Wait! Did you remember to
neutralize you static charge before coming in here? Look out! Here comes an interlayer
cation!
Commentary
The “refined structure” from Madison was Sturgis “Bull” Bailey, a distinguished
crystallographer. However, despite its sophistication, crystallography seems to be mainly
about measuring distances and angles, which could be done much more conveniently in
giant clays with a protractor and a meter stick.
Bull Bailey
19

Dear Clay Doctor: One of my colleagues maintains that only large crystals (the larger
the better) have healing and psychic powers. On the other hand, I believe that
microscopic crystals, especially clays, can have very powerful healing and soothing
effects. Who is right?
New Age, Mendocino
P.S. Why does your byline carry the disclaimer “not a real doctor”?
Dear New Age: From a completely impartial viewpoint, I will have to side with clay.
Clay frequently is used in medicines, not only because it is soothing, but also because it is
the cleanest substance. By definition, clay is the finest matter; therefore, nothing finer
can cling to it. In other words, clay can never get dirty because it already is dirt. Another
reason for its use is that it is, quite literally, dirt-cheap.
There is a large literature devoted to the miraculous properties of clay. For
example, a monochromatic X-ray beam shined on clay will be reflected, but only at
certain angles. Some clays emit bursts of light when dried, and can be fired to produce
the finest porcelain. Other clays store and provide essential nutrients for growing plants.
Magical stuff!
However, there is one strange incident to report. Late one evening, when X-
raying a CMS Source Clay, the plotter pen, instead of tracing the 7 Å peak for kaolinite,
wrote in large, scrawly letters, “This is Satan. You are my slave, human scum. Stick
your head in the X-ray beam.” I called the Siemens repairman. He sprinkled holy water
on the X-ray tube, and it sizzled. I haven’t had any trouble since, except that, every now
and then, the plotter pen runs out of ink.
P.S. I am not a real doctor because I do not have a doctorate in reality.
Commentary
The second paragraph reminds one of a Zen miracle, such as: “When rain falls,
the ground gets wet.” Another miracle would be for a plotter pen, which usually moves
with such precision and speed, to begin to write in large, scrawly letters. Derek Bain
liked the last line, agreeing that the P.S. comment was true.
20

Dear Clay Doctor: Why are large kaolinite deposits not found in early Paleozoic rocks?
Mud Dauber, Columbia
Dear Mud Dauber: This question is beyond my ken; therefore, I must refer you to the
Society’s kaolinite expert, Professor Walter Keller at the University of Missouri,
Columbia. He should know what happened to early Paleozoic clays, because he was
there. However, I disagree with Dr. Keller’s assessment, stated in the last newsletter, that
kaolinites are finicky vegetarians. I have never known a kaolinite deposit to refuse a
good stake.
Commentary
“Mud Dauber” is actually old Walter Keller himself; so the Clay Doctor is
referring Dr. Keller to himself for the answer.
21

Dear Clay Doctor: My colleagues and I were sitting around the lab when the
conversation (as it usually does this time of year) turned to baseball and clay. There was
some talk of Don Mattingly and the New York Yankees, but I was more interested in Bo
Jackson and the Kansas City Royals. Tell me, what clay would Bo Jackson study if he
were a clay mineralogist?
Baseball Clayer, East Lansing
Dear Ball Clayer: Bo Jackson would study palygorskite, definitely. Don Mattingly
would not study clay. He would join an oil company and go into administration.
Commentary
At the time, Don Mattingly was the highest paid player in baseball. This one is
aimed at scientists who love money and power more than discovery.
Dear Clay Doctor: Nothing personal, Sir, but I think that your column is a bit flaky, if
you know what I mean.
Humorless Sandstone Petrologist, Cambridge
Dear Sandstone: I do know what you mean. Thank you, Sir. I appreciate it. There is
no higher compliment to one who studies clay than to be called a flake.
Commentary
Can you imagine anything more boring than measuring sand grains under a
microscope? No wonder he is humorless. Luckily, clays occur in flakes that are so small
that they are difficult to measure without automation.
Dear Clay Doctor: I am looking for a good book on the identification of clay minerals.
Do you have a suggestion?
Illite Illiterate, Chicago
Dear Illite Illiterate: Let me recommend a book entitled, X-ray Diffraction and the
Identification and Analysis of Clay Minerals, by Moore and Reynolds. This book is a
good investment because, should the text become obsolete, the binding can be used as a
replacement spring for your screen door.
Commentary
This is a great book, but a bit obsolete because it does not include my discoveries.
Nor does any other book. The Clay Doctor praises the book’s binding.
22

Dear Clay Doctor: Why is it, through the years, that the French have had such a strong
research interest in clay minerals?
Cherchez le Feuillet, Brussels
Dear Cherchez: The French nation has some of the world’s finest wines and restaurants,
and, perhaps, the finest lifestyle altogether. Therefore, it is natural that they should want
to study the world’s finest minerals. In addition, French scientists long have realized that
research on “la clé” will lead to a key understanding.
Commentary
This is a bilingual pun. “Clay” in French is actually “l’argille.” “La clé” means
“the key;” so, naturally, research on la clé will lead to key understandings.
Dear Clay Doctor: Help! I am desperate. I am a clay mineral in an alpine fault, and I
am not ripening any longer. You should know my nickname is “Ostwald.”
Too Long by Train to Prague
Dear Too Long to Prague: Do not panic. Relax. Have a glass of wine. Put on a
Johnny Mathis record. Change your nickname from “Ostwald” to “Julio.” You will be
ripening again before you know it.
Commentary
A real emergency. The writer is not undergoing Ostwald ripening, and Viagra has
not been invented.
23

Dear Clay Doctor: If you are a bona-fide Doctor of Clays, not a sap-onite, you should
work sympathetically with, or serve, the ill-ites and/or montmor-ill-onites, prescribing
kaolin kaopectate for vermi-culites, and controlling their apatites, assuming they are
living biotites. Non-tronites are exclusive, all-opanes are all-inclusive, and halloysites
were almost hallowed. Friendly paly-gorskites musically cheer on: “atta-pulgite,” old
boy sepiolite, down by the old beidell-ites. Even though you are a tricky dick-ite, keep
you nac-rite. If there is a new unique clay mineral in the K-T boundary, it should be
named dinoend-ellite. Old clay mineral names do not die, they just slake away. Does
that smect-ite (Deutsch)?
Mud Dauber, Columbia
Commentary
Old man Keller again. He was on a bus on a field trip to Scotland lead by Jeff
Wilson. Wilson was being careful not to stress the old man. They stopped near a
vitrified fort, which Wilson was sure no one would want to visit, because the temperature
was freezing, and the rain was horizontal. Keller led a charge off the bus and up the hill.
Jeff Wilson
24

Dear Clay Doctor: What is the little circle on the top of the “A” that designates the
Angstrom unit (Å)?
Lost in Space, Baton Rouge
Dear Baton Rouge: The little circle, known as an A-hole, is attached to hooks so that
the Angstrom unit, which is very small, can be readily found and used by scientists.
However, this device is crude, at best. One solution to the problem of finding the minute
unit was to invent a hole that emits a high-pitched whine (“screaming” variety). This
invention never became popular because it was too noisy, and sometimes burst into
flames. Therefore, most scientists prefer the silent kind (“dumb” variety). Whereas some
research centers aimed to produce bigger holes, a real breakthrough came with the
discovery of the nanometer, a unit that is ten times larger that the Angstrom. However,
there is little danger that the Angstrom unit will become obsolete. Many purchasing
agents assure us that there will always be an ample supply of dumb A-holes.
Commentary
The Clay Doctor must have been having some trouble with a Survey purchasing
agent when this one was written.
Dear Clay Doctor: Another army seems to have gone down the tube. Do you think that
this is the halloysite effect?
Wondering in Washington
Dear Wondering: Most armies are too large to fit down halloysite tubes. However,
halloysite has been used in modern warfare. Clay physicists working at Lawrence-
Livermore Lab invented a nanocannon made of halloysite tubes that shoot grapeshot
composed of beta particles. The weapon worked well in the laboratory, but failed under
battlefield conditions because the individual halloysite crystals were too fine-grained to
be seen by the enemy. Unobserved, the beta particles’ wave functions did not collapse,
and nothing happened.
Commentary
Who knows what war “Wondering” was referring to? The last? The next? All of
them?
25

Dear Clay Doctor: How does the Clay Doctor react to “Healthful Clay?”
Mud Dauber, Columbia
Dear Mud Dauber: It has long been known that a healthy soil, which presumably
contains healthful clay, is important for growing healthy plants. However, modern
agriculture, which uses soil to supply nutrients to growing plants that are then harvested,
processed, coked, and eaten, is a terribly wasteful system. I advocate eating the soil
directly, thereby eliminating the energy inefficient intermediate steps. Some delicious
recipes are available for mud pie, and for Wyoming bentonite suspension soup, which is
quite filling.
Commentary
Dr. Keller again, as Mud Dauber. He didn’t live much past 100, so maybe he
took the Clay Doctor’s advice.
26

Dear Clay Doctor: I was pleased to learn from the CMS newsletter feature, “Interviews
with the Clay Scientists,” that some scientists are involved in formal religious practice.
Are clay mineralogists more religious than other scientists?
Earth Angel, Duluth
Dear Earth Angel: In their own way, clay scientists are very religious, as you can see in
the accompanying photo, in which Professor Baronnet leads a small congregation in
horizontal prayer.
Commentary
This is the pose generally assumed by clay scientists as they discuss what goes on
between the sheets.
27

Dear Clay Doctor: Is there clay on other planets?
Spaced, Mendocino
Dear Spaced: There is some evidence for clay on other worlds. In episode #57 of Star
Trek, Captain James T. Kirk and the crew of the Starship Enterprise had to deliver Elaan,
the Dohlman of Elas, to the planet Troyius for her marriage to that planet’s leader.
During the scene in which Kirk is seduced by Elaan’s hypnotic tears, the observant
viewer may have noticed what appeared to be a reddish clay beneath what appeared to be
a fiberglass boulder. This clay may have been nontronite.
Commentary
The Clay Doctor’s answer contains a secret joke for Trek fans: most of the
description of episode #57 is factually correct, and is taken from a book about the TV
series.
Dear Clay Doctor: I don’t have much trouble with the clays, but I do have a hard time
pronouncing the names of some of the zeolites. Can you help?
Zeophonocist, Boise
Dear Zeophonocist: The most commonly mispronounced zeolite name is clinoptilolite.
This name should be pronounced, “clinoptilolite.” On the other hand, chabazite should
be pronounced, “chabazite.” Please write again if you need additional help.
Commentary
Big help, Clay Doctor. I will be sure to write you again.
28

Dear Clay Doctor: I hear that Dr. Srodon is in jail again. What happened?
Polish Joke, Boulder
Dear Joke: Polish geologist Jan Srodon was arrested recently because Professor Weaver
caught him trying to beat illite/smectite to death.
Commentary
Weaver is one of the old time giants of clay mineralogy who initiated studies of
illite. Then Srodon came on the scene, and discovered more about illite than Weaver
wanted to know. Srodon went to jail several times, not for studying illite, but because he
organized resistance in Krakow, and because he published an underground newspaper
that criticized the Polish Communist regime. The Clay Doctor helped to smuggle books
and a mimeograph machine into the country for Jan’s secret work.
Chuck Weaver at play
29

Dear Clay Doctor: Who is the smartest clay scientist of all time?
Ophelia Toot, Hamburg
Dear Ms. Toot: Good question! You must have been feeling your toot when you wrote
this letter. Two scientists vied for the honor of smartest clay scientist, B.W. Grindley
from the Institute for Advanced Clay Studies at Princeton, and B. F. Wadley from the
National Clay Lab at Harvard. At first these rivals argued about the nature of illite, but as
competition intensified, their arguments became increasingly mathematical. The 1966
meeting featured their famous exchange concerning the number of clay particles on
Earth. “A googolplex,” said Wadley. “Whatever you say, plus one,” said Wadley.
“Twice that!” countered Grindley.
The rivalry came to a sad end when Wadley was made Dean of Science and began
to wear a necktie to work. One evening his tie became entangled in a sample holder, and
he was burked by his Siemens goniometer as it slewed at 400° 2-theta per minute. At the
memorial service, Grindley offered this touching eulogy: “Wadley might have had feet
of clay, but his head was solid granite.”
Commentary
Grindley is G.W. Brindley, and Wadley is W.F. Bradley. My advisor, John
Hower, said that they, together with Keller and Bailey, were the smartest members of the
Society when I joined it. Grindley and Wadley compete for who is the smartest by seeing
who can count the highest. Wadley’s head content was inspired by the song, Men of
Dartmouth:
They have the true north in their hearts,
The hill winds in their veins,
And the granite of New Hampshire
In their muscles and their brains,
And the granite of New Hampshire
In their muscles and their brains.
George Brindley
30

Dear Clay Doctor: I am worried that clays are disappearing during metamorphism, and
that they eventually may become extinct. What can be done?
Save Our Smectite, Reno
Dear SOS: Do not worry. The disappearance of clays during metamorphism is balanced
by clay formation during weathering. The destruction of clay is a natural part of the rock
cycle. Hey, schist happens.
Commentary
The schist joke is as old as Walt Keller.
Dear Clay Doctor: Don’t you ever get tired of studying clay?
Dee Fractometer, Central City
Dear Dee: Clay studies are so boring that I frequently wish that I studied sand, or that I
was a carbonate petrologist instead… NOT!
Commentary
This Clay Doctor came out of a time when the joke was to make a statement and
then reverse it by saying, “Not!” This type of joke was usually very funny… Not!
Dear Clay Doctor: I am a graduate student who is about to submit her first paper for
publication. It concerns clay and will be sent to Clays and Clay Minerals. I am very
worried that the paper will not be accepted because there is so much that I don’t know
about my research topic. What do you suggest?
Grad Student, Davis
Dear Grad Student: Do not worry. If your research was thorough, your paper will be
accepted, unless it is reviewed by a Howard Day-type skeptic. It is relatively easy to be
thorough in a clay study because clay particles are so tiny. The smaller something is, the
less there is to know about it. When something becomes small enough to disappear, there
is nothing to know at all.
Commentary
This Clay Doctor was aimed at Howard Day, a scientist I went to Dartmouth with,
who was mentioned in the New Yorker as being very skeptical. I don’t know if he ever
saw this secret joke.
31

Dear Clay Doctor: During a talk at the last annual CMS meeting, I heard that there is a
new and increasing use for bentonite as a “pet absorbent.” I would like to know how
much bentonite is needed to absorb, say, a great Dane? Would it be better to use Na or
Ca bentonite? Is this considered a humane practice?
O.T.B. Bentonite, Ottawa
Dear O.T.B: The common pet absorbent is kitty litter, where the cat enters the bentonite
as cations. I never heard of dog litter, but if it did exist, I should think that a great Dane
would enter the exchange sites as dogions. Any bentonite will do, provided it is not too
bent, and provided that the petions do not become dehydrated.
Dear Clay Doctor: What kind of clay is found in boogers?
Nellie, Moose Jaw
Dear Nellie: Good question. Our staff checked the indices of Clay Minerals and Clays
and Clay Minerals and could find nothing on the subject. Perhaps we should have tried
Applied Clay Minerals. This problem has existed right under our noses! Some scientists
think that the nose is full of clay, and others think it’s not.
Commentary
The mineralogy of boogers does sound like more of an applied problem. Is the
nose full of clay? I think it’s snot.
32

Dear Clay Doctor: I am very worried about my husband, who is a clay scientist. He
thinks about clay all the time. Will this injure his brain?
Helpless, Boston
Dear Helpless: Your husband is known in the trade as a “clay head.” Do not worry. The
condition is not serious, as long as he does not try to drive a car. Just be thankful that he
does not study X-ray diffraction theory. I know of one such scientist who became lost in
reciprocal space. He was completely frustrated, because the farther he tried to go, the
closer he got.
Commentary
In reciprocal space, distance traveled = 1/distance. So the larger the denominator,
the less distance traveled. That is frustrating, as is being obsessed by clay chemistry
rather than admiring a mountain range at sunset.
Peg Buschman
33

Dear Clay Doctor: At first I did not understand it. Then I did. Now I’m not so sure.
What do you think?
The Big Kahoona, Hilo
Dear Big Kahoona: That’s it exactly! I think.
Dear Clay Doctor: Last year I made what I thought was an important discovery.
Recently I discovered that I was wrong. My question is, can this be counted as two
discoveries?
Lisa @
Dear Lisa: No, unfortunately, this cannot be counted as two discoveries, but it could be
counted as two papers.
Commentary
Two papers are better than two discoveries any day, especially when you come up
for tenure. This question was submitted by Lisa Heller-Kallai.
34

Dear Clay Doctor: You know, as a Doctor, that carrying a mineral crystal will cure you
of what ails you. How large a crystal of quartz is necessary to cure silicosis caused by
inhaling clay dust containing 0.1% silica?
Mud Dauber, Columbia
Dear Mud Dauber: A quartz crystal cannot cure silicosis; however, with the use of a
respirator, it can prevent silicosis.
Dear Clay Doctor: Are there clays on other planets?
Stargazer, Sandersville
Dear Stargazer: Yes, definitely. This information was channeled from a reliable source
on the planet Heutron in the constellation Pleiades.
Commentary
The Clay Doctor should know, because a psychic told him that he came from
Heutron.
35

Dear Clay Doctor: In your last column, a correspondent asked whether there were clays
on other planets. The answer is, “Yes, Virginia, there are clays out there, at least on
Mars!” As evidence, enclosed is an article by Allan Treiman, Ruth Barrett, and James
Gooding purporting to be serious science and demonstrating that clays in a meteorite are
pre-terrestrial. As the meteorite is almost certain to be from Mars, q.e.d. It was our
conclusion that the clays were indigenous to Mars, but proponents of the Pan-Saponitia
theory claim that these clays are presently the lineal descendants of clays from an older
and wiser planetary body.
Mutant Man, Houston
Dear Mutant Man: Thank you for your letter and illuminating journal article. Your
research, together with episode #57 from Star Trek and information channeled from a
reliable source on the planet Heutron, offer strong evidence for the existence of clay on
other planets.
Commentary
It is always gratifying when your research is confirmed by several other sources.
36

Dear Clay Doctor: Who is this man, what is he pointing to, and where did he learn to
dress?
In Love, Boulder
Dear In Love: This creature just wandered out of the mountains into Boulder, carrying a
clay tablet. I do not know his name or his clothier, but I do know that he is all heart,
man.
Commentary
This is a photo of Hyman Hartman. Never let him into your lab. He will permit
you no peace.
37

Dear Clay Doctor: Many CMS members consider you to be omniscient, so I thought
that perhaps you could help us locate a missing person. The one we seek used to attend
CMS meetings years ago sporting a pony tail hairdo and showing every sign of being a
defiant anti-establishment hippie. Later, it was rumored that he, being a fairly bright
fellow, had somehow wangled a job in the research department of a giant oil company.
However, during the past year or two, he has not been seen or heard from. I think his
first name was Dan or Dale, something like that. Can you help? There might be a
reward.
Worried in Waco
Dear Worried: I think I know the person about whom you write. He cut his pony tail,
donated his bell-bottoms to Good Will, and left the Strawberry Fields to become an
Exxon Texon. Happily he did not become an Esso Asso.
However, Dale’s transformation is nothing compared to that undergone recently
by a clay scientist after the passage of NAFTA. One minute he was studying
Precambrian illites in Montana. Then there was a giant sucking sound, and the next
minute he was studying kaolin minerals in Nayarit, Mexico!
Commentary
Some politicians talked about a giant sucking sound, that would take our jobs to
Mexico if the treaty was signed. They were right. “Dale” is David Pevear, who once was
a hippy professor, but then joined an oil company.
38

Dear Clay Doctor: As an aficionado of both clays and cats, I wonder what, if anything,
the two have in common?
Torn Between in Topeka
Dear Torn Between: Aside from the letter c in both collective nouns, and the frequent
use of one as litter for the other, there is yet a third, and little-known thread of
commonality between clays and cats. A clue was provided by a famous British writer
who reminded us that, in addition to their given names, cats also have secret names which
they alone know. I can now tell you that the same is true for clays. You and I are
accustomed to identifying clays by names such as dickite, nontronite, and chamosite,
whose etymologies are well-known. But the true and proper names of these three
species, for example, are Patty, Maxine, and Laverne. Beidellite is Yogik, and illite is
Stanislaus, or Stan for short. I could go on, but I am afraid I would be betraying
confidences.
Commentary
Warren Huff wrote this one. Jo liked the idea that cats have secret names.
Dear Clay Doctor: Why don’t you discover a new clay, name it after my buddy, and call
it Butt-headite? Heh. Heh.
Beavis, On Your Tube
Dear Beavis: Your suggestion is worthy. However, there is a precedent. The term
“Buttheadite” has been proposed to resolve the nomenclatural problem between
halloysite and endellite.
Commentary
Scientists once spent a lot of time arguing over the names of things. I think that
someone directly after WW2 wanted to change the name of the clay endellite to
halloysite, because endellite was named after a German.
39

Dear Clay Doctor: My son just turned 20 months old. According to the child-rearing
books, he should be speaking several dozen words by now, but so far his only utterances
are “illite,” “sepiolite,” and “hydroxy-aluminum vermiculite.” Am I a failure as a father?
Worried in Fort Wayne
P.S. At least he doesn’t say stegosaurus yet.
Dear Worried: On the contrary, it sounds as though your child may have a talent in clay
science. Now that he has learned the names of clays, the next most important thing to
learn is about funding. I suggest that he be made to come up with a original experiment
involving clay before being fed.
Dear Clay Doctor: I have a lot of clay in my back yard you can study.
Some YoYo, Albuquerque
Dear YoYo: Thanks for your offer of clay to study. As you may know, clay is a
diminishing resource, because it is continually lost in subduction zones and down the
sinks of careless clay mineralogists. When I run out of clay to study, I’ll be down to your
place with my truck. I will call you first.
Dear Clay Doctor: What is the smallest clay particle?
Bertha, Tinytown
Dear Bertha: The smallest particle of clay, discovered by the eminent clay mineralogist
B.F. Wadley in 1968, was found clinging to an ordinary household dust ball (common
var. ghost turd). Wadley donated his discovery to the Clay Mineralogy Hall of Fame in
Fithian, Illinois, where it resided until 1976, when it was stolen. It was days before the
guards noticed it was missing. The dust ball is still on display.
Commentary
When Karuna was a little girl, she was terrified of dust balls. Fithian has a
famous illite named after it, but the illite is very impure. Fithian’s other attraction is a
grain elevator. With so few points of interest, it is the perfect place to site the Clay
Mineralogy Hall of Fame, much like Cooperstown for baseball and Cleveland for rock
and roll.
40

Dear Clay Doctor: The poet William Blake wrote that one can see the world in a grain
of sand. What can one see in a fundamental particle of clay?
A Material Girl, Aberdeen
Dear Material Girl: A particle of clay is much smaller than is a grain of sand, and,
therefore, one can see in it only about as far as Cleveland.
Commentary
A grain of sand has a diameter of about 10 -3 meters, but a grain of clay is about
10 -6 meter. That is why even William Blake could not see very far in it.
Dear Clay Doctor: What kind of clay is found on the Lunar surface?
Spaced in Strasbourg
Dear Spaced: Moonmorillonite.
Commentary
A play on the name of the clay montmorillonite. Sounds like another bad Pevear
joke.
Dear Clay Doctor: Is clay mineralogy a Newtonian science?
Rush, Fat City
Dear Rush: The Newtonians believe that for every action there is a reaction, and
therefore are known to be reactionaries. Such reactionaries already are investigating the
phyllosilicate clintonite. They study how it reacts to grinding and pulverization, and are
extremely interested in learning about activity beneath its sheets. Therefore, the
Newtonian reactionaries, and similarly Christian fundamentalists, are interested in
supporting clay science. For basic research, scientists could look for clays deposited by
the Flood, or discover the type of clay from which Adam was fashioned. In applied
research, many high-quality clay deposits will have to be found to make the bricks
required to build strong prison walls and orphanages. In short, I look forward to a bright
and prosperous future for clay science under the Newtonians.
Commentary
Rush is Rush Limbaugh
41

Dear Clay Doctor: Does any of our clay-mineralogy wisdom-jargon classify as an
“intellectual construct?” Gabor B. Levy, American Laboratory, May 1994, Editors Page,
gave an example of “Intellectual construct” in his article “Fuzzy is logical:” “Even if all
the solutes were removed (from pure water) you will still have 1/10 ppm hydrogen ions
and the same amount of hydroxyl ions at room temperature. H 2 O is a fiction—an
intellectual construct for the intellectuals, thus leaving “kaolin” for the mud daubers?
Fuzzy Thinker, Columbia
Dear Fuzzy: You are correct in writing that “kaolinite” is an intellectual construct.
Kaolinite is found in “kaolin” (another intellectual construct). Kaolin is a “rock,” and
this rock is a “clay.” However, this term ends the intellectual constructs. Thereafter, it is
“clay” all the way to the bottom.
Commentary
The Earth sits on the back of a giant turtle. But what does the turtle sit on? This
is a clever question, but do not be fooled. It is turtle all the way down.
Dear Clay Doctor: What does a clay mineralogist eat for lunch?
Hungry Man in Houston
Dear Hungry: Lattice and tomato.
Commentary
David Pevear thought this one up too. Lattice thank him.
Dear Clay Doctor: How can one distinguish between a clay mineralogist, a zeolite
mineralogist, and a geologist?
Nanometer Reader, Cincinnati
Dear Nanometer Reader: They can be distinguished simply by asking them what they
study. However, the real challenge is to distinguish them at a distance by their body
language. A clay mineralogist usually cocks his head to one side, holds one hand at
about eye level, palm down, and points to the edge of it with the other hand. A zeolite
mineralogist bows his head and holds both hands at about chest level, as though grasping
a softball. A geologist can be spotted because he holds a beer can in one hand, and waves
the other hand wildly in the air.
Commentary
Clays have a sheet structure, and zeolites have cages. Explaining the science of
geology sometimes takes a lot of arm waving.
42

Dear Clay Doctor: I have heard it said that clays support agriculture. Could you
comment on the saponite content of the soils of the New England Maple Groves? Is it
higher than that of other clay minerals? Does it vary seasonally?
Clay Lifer, Alcatraz
Dear Clay Lifer: Was this question planted by a carbonate petrologist who is trying to
lead clay scientists astray by encouraging them to get lost in words? If the saponite
content of soils is related to the flow of sap in maple trees, then does illite make you sick?
Is dickite an aphrodisiac? Does hectorite swagger about and kill Greeks? Hardly. Clay
scientists need to remain focused on the important questions, such as whether halloysite
is endellite.
Commentary
Those damn carbonate petrologists!
Dear Clay Doctor: I like clays and I like college football. If Tommy Frazier,
quarterback for the University of Nebraska football team, were a clay mineralogist, what
clay would he study?
Corn Husker, Lincoln
Dear Corn Husker: Rectorite.
Commentary
Not this joke again. Actually, this one is a tribute to Tommy Frazier, one of the
greatest college option quarterbacks ever. He was never was drafted by the NFL because
he came down with Crohns disease.
43

Dear Clay Doctor: Do you see any important new developments in instrumentation for
studying clays?
Microman, Santa Barbara
Dear Microman: One of the most exciting developments is the atomic force microscope
(AFM). This instrument is very powerful, because (as also was shown recently with
HRTEM) by changing the depth of focus, or by imaging the right part of the sample, one
can see whatever one wants to see (Fig. A). Unfortunately, the image in Fig. B
demonstrates that the microscopist did not know what he was doing, because the name of
the Society is The Clay Minerals Society.
Commentary
Here someone is making fantastic images of individual atoms, and the Clay
Doctor is disturbed because Microman got the name of the Society slightly wrong. The
Clay Doctor stood up on the edge of a pool table in a bar in Evergreen to take these
photos. That is why the picture is a little crooked.
44

Dear Clay Doctor: An ancient but very learned and wise friend of mine has said that
Homo sapiens is a gross misnomer. The correct Linnaean classification ought to be
Homo stupidens, or Homo ignorens. This revision seems particularly apt when one
observes the U.S. legislature’s effort to balance the Federal budget. What is your
candidate for the most stupid clay mineral? My candidate is congressolite, a soil
contaminant prevalent in the District of Columbia. It is a mixed-layer in which both
layers expand when solvated with PAC juice.
Disillusioned in Duluth
Dear Disillusioned: It is true that clays in general must have very small brains, if they
have any brains at all. Despite this, they do have a sense of humor, which often tends
towards the ironic. For example, glauconite is full of irony. Nontronite is one of the
most ironic clays I know.
Commentary
Glauconite and nontronite are iron-rich clays. Don’t be fooled by the signature:
Disillusioned in Duluth is old Mud Dauber, Walt Keller again.
The Mud Dauber himself, Walt Keller
45

Dear Clay Doctor: Can clays be used to fabricate weapons?
Slobodan Lesonofavich, Belgrade
Dear Lesonofavich: Yes. One nation had a clay bomb so powerful that it had to be
tested in French Polynesia, half a world away from the presence of civilized people.
Commentary
The French were testing nuclear weapons in Polynesia, and the Clay Doctor was
pissed. At the same time, Slobodan Milosevic (Le son of a bitch) was murdering people
in Croatia, Bosnia, and Kosovo.
Dear Clay Doctor: The language of geology is riddled with imagery that is potentially
offensive to large portions of the population. For example, terminology concerned with
mountain building includes words such as “rupture,” “thrust,” “thrusting,” and
“orogeny.” Similarly, we speak of a drill “penetrating” strata. Don’t you think that
students would be less uncomfortable in coeducational laboratories if we made simple
changes in the words that we use?
Cum Laudely, Boston College
Dear Ms. Laudely: Broadly speaking, I agree. Clay scientists also need to clean up
their language. Therefore I suggest we remove the “lay” from clay science. The French
have a perfectly good work for clay, “argille,” a term that is much less offensive to the
hormonally challenged. Along with this change in nomenclature, we need to change the
name of our society, from The Clay Minerals Society (CMS) to the Argille Studies
Society.
Commentary
This Clay Doctor was based on an actual abstract published in the Geological
Society of America Annual Meeting volume.
Dear Clay Doctor: What are clays fine-grained for?
Der Witt, Deadwood
Dear Der: That very question was posed to the famous clay scientist, B.F. Wadley,
during the first annual Clay Minerals Society think-off in 1957. After five minutes
working on the problem, his eyes began to bug out. After ten minutes, his brain started to
smoke. He never did answer it, and after the meeting took up golf.
Commentary
Jo didn’t know what a think-off is, so this one got this through the censor.
46

Dear Clay Doctor: Is there a universal language for clay science?
Le Lapin, Versailles
Dear Mr. Lapin: Currently, the most popular language for scientific communication is
English. But the common language has changed in the past, and will change in the
future. At different times, Greek, Latin, and German have each been in vogue. I predict
that French will become popular, if some small changes are made to the language to
make it easier to learn. First of all, the gender of every noun must be made either
masculine or feminine. It’s either un and le, or une and la, but not both. Secondly, the
word ordinateur has to go. And, while we are at it, we need to eliminate the cédille
accent, because it is just too silly. I am sure the Académie Française will be delighted to
make these minor changes for the sake of ease of usage.
Commentary
I am sure that l’Académie will embrace an American’s suggestion as to how to
improve their language. “Le Lapin” is a play on the name of France’s famous right-wing
politician, Jean-Marie Le Pen. “Lapin” is French for “rabbit.” So the Clay Doctor is
calling Le – La (who cares?) Pen a rabbit. Ordinateur is French for computer, and you
can see how silly the cédille accent is in the word “Française.”
47

Dear Clay Doctor: In the newsletter feature, “Interviews with the Clay Scientists, “
scientists have been asked to name their favorite clay, and answers have ranged from
illite to palygorskite. Tell me, what is your favorite clay?
Pushing for Palygorskite, Polonius
Dear Pushing: My favorite clay? Well, of course palygorskite is very nice, as is illite.
And then there is alliettite, with its beautiful alternations of talc and saponite. And
kaolinite, white as driven snow! And there is corrensite, which can be regularly
interstratified chlorite/smectite or chlorite/vermiculite; but, of course, smectite and
vermiculite may form a continuous series based on charge, and where does one draw the
line?…but I digress. Favorite clay? Favorite clay? Perpend…
Commentary
The Clay doctor blows a gasket on this question. The answer is modeled after a
scene in Hamlet where Polonius gets very confused giving advice, and ends with,
“Perpend.”
Dear Clay Doctor: How does illite form?
Robert Bobert, Hanover
Dear Mr. Bobert: We feel that the answer to this question has already been discovered,
but that it is being withheld from the public by our own government, a government which
refuses to throw open its secret files on illite formation and saucer crashes!
Commentary
The Clay Doctor got a little bored, so he began to make fun of people’s names.
Robert Bobert is Bob Reynolds, and the story line plays to his libertarian nature.
48

Dear Clay Doctor: Who is the meanest clay scientist?
Fred Pevear (no relation), Houston
Dear Fred: Professor Ed Narry, a proponent of smash-mouth clay mineralogy, would
show up a clay meetings wearing black leathers, and hector into the lecture hall
surrounded by his graduate student toughs. He would take the lectern, make a statement
such as, “Illite is nothin’ but ground up mica,” and then sneer at the audience, daring to
be challenged. At one such meeting, he was contradicted by Professor Burgess Shaley.
Professor Shaley, as has become necessary for prominent clay scientists, had his own
cadre of bodyguards. Nevertheless, this was a courageous act by Shaley.
Commentary
Fred Pevear is a made up name, and bears no relation whatsoever to Society
member and former president, David Pevear, who also lived in Houston. Ed Narry is my
old roommate, Ed Perry, who was captain of the Cleveland Rugby Club when I met Jo at
a rugby game. He and John Hower did the first study of clay diagenesis (in the Gulf
Coast) that used Reynolds’s sophisticated computer algorithm to calculate the change in
expandability of mixed layer illite/smectite with depth. Professor Burgess Shaley is a
play on Professor Sturgis Bailey’s name. The Burgess Shale is a famous Cambrian
formation in the Canadian Rockies where some of the oldest complex fossils are found.
Peg Buschman
49

Dear Clay Doctor: I have been building miniature forests. I’ve been using pebbles to
simulate boulders, and pine trees, normally 40 feet tall, stand just one foot. I would like
to scale the soil, too, and am looking for clays that are 1/40 normal size. Can you help?
Bonsai Bob, Hanover
Dear Bonsai Bob: The best place to buy unusual clays would be the Clay Mineral Hall
of Fame in Fithian, Illinois. They have many rare clay specimens, including the famous
Fithian Illite. Mixed with this illite, for no extra charge, are chlorite, quartz, calcite, and
other interesting minerals.
Commentary
This makes fun of Bob Reynolds and his Bonsai hobby. He tried some of the
fertilizer (Ecofert) that I invented on his miniature plants, but it made the leaves grow too
large. The Fithian illite also is ridiculed because it is so impure.
50

Dear Clay Doctor: I just got a new copy of Moore and Reynolds’ book, second edition,
and am very pleased by the revised cover. The wire in the first edition cover would snag
and ruin sweaters. In the second edition, the wire is hidden. Also, the cover’s slick
surface makes an excellent coaster. Altogether, an impressive cover!
Maiden Hurry, Bloomington
Dear Ms. Hurry: I guess it is possible to tell a book by its cover.
Commentary
Maiden Hurry is Haydn Murray, a former professor at Indiana, kaolinite superstar,
and a Society stalwart. This book critique is only concerned with the book’s cover.
Haydn Murray
51

Dear Clay Doctor: I am a poet who would like to get into clay mineralogy. What would
you suggest?
Necip Groovin, Lubbock
Dear Dr. Groovin: We can help you with the hard science, but for now I suggest that
you ease into the field by writing poems about clay. Rhyming should be easy, because
most mineral names end in “ite.” For example:
The weathering product in granite
Most frequently found is kaolinite.
On second thought, we could use your help.
Commentary
Necip Groovin is Professor Necip Güven from Texas Tech University. He had
not been to a meeting in a long time, but he said that he came after he read this Clay
Doctor.
52

Dear Clay Doctor: I have been working for over four years on a paper and can’t get
anyone to read it. Should I throw in the towel?
Mountain Dewey, Urbana
Dear Dr. Dewey: Perhaps your paper is too long. Try removing every other word.
Commentary
Good advice. Try it. Mountain Dewey is Dewey Moore. As a professor at Knox
College, he tried to wake up his students by staging a terrorist takeover of his geology
class, playfulness that was misunderstood by Knox’s administration, and they lost a
dedicated teacher and excellent scholar.
Dear Clay Doctor: I have been studying the octahedral sheet of kaolinite for 25 years
and can’t take it any more. I am going nuts.
Fred Shortstaffe, London
Dear Dr. Shortstaffe: You are in the throes of a mid-life crisis. It is time to muster the
energy and courage needed to make a leap into the great unknown by considering a major
career change. I recommend that you chart a new direction for your life, for example, by
studying kaolinite’s octahedral sheet.
Commentary
Professor Fred Longstaffe said that he wanted to sue over this one. Luckily, no
one knows the identity of the Clay Doctor.
53

Dear Clay Doctor: I notice it’s always the old guys from the sixties who think it’s funny
to make rabbit ears in photographs in CMS News. Why don’t they grow up?
Disgruntled in Dallas
Dear Corn Disgruntled: Instead of a secret handshake, people from the sixties make
rabbit ears. They didn’t do it so much in the sixties, so it’s actually a sign of increasing
maturity.
54

Dear Clay Doctor: Did Bill Clinton ever do it with anyone in the Clay Mineral Society?
The Geese, Buffalo
Dear Dr. Geese: I have checked with the Society’s historian, and there is no record of
this event. In fact, the historian reports that there is no record of anyone in the Society
ever having done it. However, we have appointed a special counsel to look into
suspicious circumstances surrounding the naming of the mineral clintonite.
Commentary
Professor Ross Giese, University of Buffalo, was angry and sad at being called
The Geese. He thought that he was being called an old geezer. Actually, Ross is tall and
lean, and the Clay Doctor was thinking of the graceful neck of a goose.
55

Dear Clay Doctor: Why do so many mineral names end in “ite?”
Mad Fritzen, Zurich
Dear Mad: Because it is hard to pronounce names such as “montmorillonuartz.”
Commentary
Mad Fritzen is Fritz Madsen who worked at ETH in Zurich.
Dear Clay Doctor: I want to have an affair with a clay mineralogist. Is this a good
idea?
Drooling in Timbuktu
Dear Drooling: It depends on whether or not you want your name to be dragged through
the mud.
Commentary
I didn’t think of it at the time, but now I really wonder who sent this one in.
However, the Clay Doctor wouldn’t want to hookup with a drooler.
Dear Clay Doctor: My husband and some other clay mineralogists have been making
damn fools of themselves. What should I do?
Sensible, Southwest
Dear Sensible: You’ve got the wrong column. You need, “Ask the Civil Engineering
and Department of Public Works Doctor.”
Commentary
An engineer is more likely than a scientist to give sensible advice.
Dear Clay Doctor: What are your hopes for the new millennium?
Need some encouraging words, Home on the Range
Dear Encouraging: Lattice have peace.
Commentary
I think that Pevear wrote this one.
56

Dear Clay Doctor: Recently I read that the oldest clays on earth are found in Southwest
Greenland. That started me wondering, just exactly how do you date old clays?
Wondering in Wyoming
Dear Wondering: Ahem, I think we should keep my personal life out of this.
Commentary
Someone else wrote this, but it does point to the problem of dating old clays.
Dear Clay Doctor: In the Spring 1998 issue of CMS News, you stated, “In fact, the
historian reports that there is no record of anyone in the Society ever having done it.”
Speak for yourself! Me, I have two children…..
Sleepless in Saratoga
Dear Sleepless: I did not say that no one in the Society has ever done it; I just said that
there was no record of anyone having done it. Perhaps the Society needs to keep better
records.
Commentary
Maybe the Society can get such information from government wiretaps. We need
to write Obama to get the goods.
57

Presidential remarks:
58

The Clay Doctor thinks that these scientists are having way too
much fun to be working:
59

65
Peg Buschman