Chapter 6: Emotions in Conflict - McGraw-Hill
Chapter 6: Emotions in Conflict - McGraw-Hill
Chapter 6: Emotions in Conflict - McGraw-Hill
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Part Two<br />
a<br />
Special Applications
n<strong>Chapter</strong> 6<br />
<strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>Conflict</strong><br />
Introduc<strong>in</strong>g Emotion<br />
This chapter will explore emotion, the underly<strong>in</strong>g arousal state, and feel<strong>in</strong>gs , which are<br />
how we learn to experience and give words and mean<strong>in</strong>g to our emotional states. Confl ict<br />
always takes place on the emotional dimension (Jones 2000). Most of us th<strong>in</strong>k about<br />
emotions when we th<strong>in</strong>k about confl ict. This chapter will help you prepare ahead of time<br />
for the <strong>in</strong>evitable storms of feel<strong>in</strong>g that sweep through your confl icts. Confl ict takes place<br />
on the emotional dimension (Jones 2000) .<br />
We feel frustration, joy, or disappo<strong>in</strong>tment—all feel<strong>in</strong>gs ris<strong>in</strong>g from a generalized state<br />
of arousal we call emotion. Specifi c feel<strong>in</strong>gs come and go, but the emotional dimension of<br />
life is a constant (Shapiro 2011). Emotion sets actions “<strong>in</strong>to motion,” lead<strong>in</strong>g to your own<br />
unique subjective experience. This is what makes refl ect<strong>in</strong>g others’ feel<strong>in</strong>gs so important,<br />
and so challeng<strong>in</strong>g. You may say, with all the best <strong>in</strong>tentions, “So you are feel<strong>in</strong>g dismissed<br />
and disrespected by Walt’s assignment of project teams.” Then your team member says,<br />
“No, not exactly. I feel <strong>in</strong>visible and unimportant.” Her subjective experience is a little<br />
different from what you imag<strong>in</strong>ed. Mirror<strong>in</strong>g exactly what another person feels and how<br />
she or he experiences the moment subjectively is the basic fi rst step <strong>in</strong> confl ict resolution.<br />
Confl icts rema<strong>in</strong> unresolved when the other person feels misunderstood.<br />
<strong>Emotions</strong> are states of feel<strong>in</strong>g. They are like mov<strong>in</strong>g water. Water that is dammed<br />
up with no <strong>in</strong>let or outlet becomes stagnant, dries up, becomes toxic, or freezes. <strong>Emotions</strong><br />
are designed by evolution to move through the body. We feel them, they change, they<br />
transform. Constructive confl ict resolution depends upon our ability to work with and<br />
transform, not close off or repress, normal human emotion.<br />
To be <strong>in</strong> confl ict means you will feel some emotional charge. Part of the reason confl<br />
ict is so uncomfortable is due to the accompany<strong>in</strong>g emotion (Bodtker and Jameson 2001).<br />
We cannot remember a genu<strong>in</strong>e confl ict situation that did not <strong>in</strong>volve feel<strong>in</strong>gs. Can you?<br />
We teach that “feel<strong>in</strong>gs are facts”; they aren’t right or wrong, they simply exist. What<br />
you do with those feel<strong>in</strong>gs is a key element <strong>in</strong> manag<strong>in</strong>g confl ict. You cannot ma<strong>in</strong>ta<strong>in</strong><br />
perfect equanimity and “not feel” when you are <strong>in</strong> confl ict, and neither can the other. You<br />
may have experienced how futile it is to tell someone, “Don’t be angry! I didn’t <strong>in</strong>tend to<br />
hurt you.”<br />
<strong>Emotions</strong> are both <strong>in</strong>trapersonal and <strong>in</strong>terpersonal phenomena. We feel them <strong>in</strong>side<br />
ourselves and we express them as nonverbal and verbal communication. Specifi c emotions<br />
lead people to particular tendencies to act or behave <strong>in</strong> certa<strong>in</strong> ways (Frijda, Manstead,<br />
and Bem 2000; Bell and Song 2005; Guerrero and LaValley 2006). Based on neuroscience<br />
research, we are learn<strong>in</strong>g that “humans (and animals <strong>in</strong> general) use emotion to navigate
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 191<br />
the world by fi lter<strong>in</strong>g for safety and danger.” We survive and thrive based on how <strong>in</strong>telligently<br />
we navigate the world. The m<strong>in</strong>d takes care of the body-<strong>in</strong>-the-world (Early and<br />
Early 2011, 11). Along with Jones (2000) and other researchers, we assume that emotion<br />
<strong>in</strong>cludes the follow<strong>in</strong>g three components:<br />
• A felt, physiological experience <strong>in</strong> the body (He<strong>in</strong> and S<strong>in</strong>ger 2008).<br />
• Th<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g and <strong>in</strong>terpretation based on our appraisal of what is happen<strong>in</strong>g (Lazarus 1991).<br />
• Emotional expression <strong>in</strong>volv<strong>in</strong>g verbal and nonverbal cues (Ekman and Davidson<br />
1994); Jameson et al. 2009).<br />
Application 6.1<br />
The Matter of Lights<br />
Here is one example. Carrie and Jim live together. Jim feels strongly about the environment<br />
and wants to change most of the lights <strong>in</strong> their apartment to CFLs. He follows current<br />
<strong>in</strong>formation about the difference between <strong>in</strong>candescent and compact florescent bulbs<br />
and th<strong>in</strong>ks he and Carrie should do their part to help the environment <strong>in</strong> this way. Carrie<br />
prefers the warm ambience of <strong>in</strong>candescent bulbs. She has been attempt<strong>in</strong>g to turn off<br />
lights frequently when they aren’t <strong>in</strong> use, and is will<strong>in</strong>g to turn the thermostat down <strong>in</strong> the<br />
w<strong>in</strong>ter to conserve energy. Carrie comes home one day to f<strong>in</strong>d her favorite read<strong>in</strong>g lamps<br />
converted to CFLs. She confronts Jim angrily, tell<strong>in</strong>g him that he had no right to change out<br />
her lamps without talk<strong>in</strong>g to her. Jim replies that he knew she would never agree so he just<br />
went ahead, hop<strong>in</strong>g she would see that it was the right th<strong>in</strong>g to do. What might happen next<br />
on the emotional level?<br />
What might Jim sense <strong>in</strong> his body, th<strong>in</strong>k about the situation, and how might he express<br />
all this? What about Carrie? With your small group, divide up and answer the questions for<br />
Jim and Carrie, then discuss your responses. What opportunities for conflict and danger<br />
exist? What opportunities do you see for a constructive conversation?<br />
We will start with the physiological level of their emotional response: Both might<br />
experience a tighten<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> their stomach, heightened blood pressure, and a felt sense of<br />
urgency. Both will feel aroused. They certa<strong>in</strong>ly feel “stirred up.” The exact nature of their<br />
feel<strong>in</strong>gs depends on their personal history, relationship history, <strong>in</strong>terpretations, appraisal<br />
of what this means separately and for the relationship, and their sense of connection with<br />
each other. What specific feel<strong>in</strong>g labels might they put to their “stirred up” state? Now<br />
cont<strong>in</strong>ue your discussion with your small group.<br />
Throughout this book we have emphasized that confl ict br<strong>in</strong>gs both danger and opportunity<br />
for creative adaptation and change. The same is true of our emotional states—<br />
your skill at mak<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong>formed choices while feel<strong>in</strong>g strong emotions can br<strong>in</strong>g either<br />
danger or opportunity. Previous understand<strong>in</strong>gs of people used cognitive-behavioral and<br />
rational models to understand and predict human behavior. In recent decades, however,<br />
neuroscience as a fi eld has been experienc<strong>in</strong>g an “emotion revolution.” <strong>Emotions</strong> and feel<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
may not be unwelcome <strong>in</strong>truders <strong>in</strong> the bastion of reason: <strong>in</strong>stead they are enmeshed<br />
<strong>in</strong> its networks (Damasio 1994). We are feel<strong>in</strong>g as well as th<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g creatures. We used to<br />
imag<strong>in</strong>e “left bra<strong>in</strong>” solutions as com<strong>in</strong>g from a rational place, and “right bra<strong>in</strong>” solutions
192 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
com<strong>in</strong>g from an emotional place. But our sense of self is not compartmentalized <strong>in</strong>to a<br />
pocket <strong>in</strong> the bra<strong>in</strong>. The bra<strong>in</strong>, like the whole person, is an <strong>in</strong>extricably entw<strong>in</strong>ed system<br />
(Coy 2005). No matter how much we might argue differently, no purely “rational/logical”<br />
or “emotional” reactions exist <strong>in</strong> complicated human be<strong>in</strong>gs. 1<br />
When we feel safe we are much more likely to employ constructive confl ict management<br />
approaches. Darw<strong>in</strong> (1872/1965) recognized from his research that evolution<br />
shaped humank<strong>in</strong>d’s mental responses and behavioral repertoire just as much as<br />
natural selection shaped physical characteristics of organisms. A modern theory of<br />
emotions rests on Darw<strong>in</strong>’s evolutionary research (Nesse and Ellsworth 2009). Just<br />
like other animals, when we are attacked or perceive a threat to our identity or goals,<br />
we will feel some k<strong>in</strong>d of strong emotion. Therefore, avoidance of fear and threat and<br />
promotion of safety and connection underlie one’s ability to engage <strong>in</strong> constructive<br />
confl ict.<br />
<strong>Emotions</strong> can be seen as “modes of function<strong>in</strong>g, shaped by natural selection, that<br />
coord<strong>in</strong>ate physiological, cognitive, motivational, behavioral, and subjective responses<br />
<strong>in</strong> patterns that <strong>in</strong>crease the ability to meet the adaptive challenges of situations<br />
that have recurred over evolutionary time “ (Nesse 1990). <strong>Emotions</strong> developed <strong>in</strong><br />
human be<strong>in</strong>gs so people could meet immediate challenges. An emotion is both an<br />
experience that we feel and who we are at that moment <strong>in</strong> time (Shapiro 2010, 467). We<br />
say, “I am afraid” or “I am elated.” We identify so strongly with these emotional states<br />
that we cannot separate what we “feel” from who we are, at least at that particular<br />
moment. You may have heard someone say, “I am not a jealous person!” at the same<br />
time he feels jealous. This sets up a situation of dissonance and turmoil—“How can I<br />
feel jealous when I am not a jealous person?” We all experience these contradictions.<br />
They contribute to the anxiety of confl ict. Other languages express the role of emotion<br />
and feel<strong>in</strong>g differently. In both French and Spanish, the l<strong>in</strong>guistic construction<br />
is “I have anger” or “I have sadness.” This construction avoids overidentifi cation with<br />
the feel<strong>in</strong>g be<strong>in</strong>g described.<br />
States of emotional arousal are labeled as different feel<strong>in</strong>gs , depend<strong>in</strong>g on what one<br />
believes to be true. This means that feel<strong>in</strong>gs are connected to our appraisal of what is real<br />
and true <strong>in</strong> a situation (Lazarus 1991). Many arguments arise about feel<strong>in</strong>gs because the<br />
person experienc<strong>in</strong>g the feel<strong>in</strong>g believes it is “true.” It is, for that person. But someone else<br />
may experience a feel<strong>in</strong>g, equally “true,” that is entirely different. For <strong>in</strong>stance, a student<br />
may be upset and angry with her professor, who will not change a paper deadl<strong>in</strong>e even<br />
slightly, while the student has very good, legitimate reasons to ask for an extension. She<br />
may feel “defeated,” “enraged,” “mistrusted,” or “<strong>in</strong>signifi cant,” depend<strong>in</strong>g on what she<br />
believes about herself, her professor, and their relationship. Feel<strong>in</strong>gs are facts; we feel what<br />
we feel. Interpretations are subject to change based on conversation and new <strong>in</strong>formation.<br />
This is one of the basic approaches of confl ict transformation, not just confl ict management.<br />
We transform our feel<strong>in</strong>gs when we derive new <strong>in</strong>formation, practice empathy, hold<br />
ourselves open for a third story (not m<strong>in</strong>e or yours, but ours, or one an outsider gives<br />
us), and abandon bad habits that keep us from learn<strong>in</strong>g (defensiveness, blame, criticism,<br />
1 In the 5th century BCE, Aristotle compartmentalized items as logos (logic) or pathos (emotions), as<br />
did other writers throughout the centuries.
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 193<br />
not listen<strong>in</strong>g, demean<strong>in</strong>g, and label<strong>in</strong>g, to name some we have discussed). Pr<strong>in</strong>ciples of<br />
emotion <strong>in</strong> confl ict follow:<br />
1. Confl ict depends upon enough emotional arousal to “get the job done.” Without enough<br />
energetic emotion mov<strong>in</strong>g us to engage people <strong>in</strong> <strong>in</strong>teraction, avoidance seems like<br />
an easy alternative. When you are unhappy, distressed, excited about a possibility, or<br />
angry, you may exert enough energy to resolve a confl ict. In this book, we highlight<br />
the importance of solv<strong>in</strong>g problems while ma<strong>in</strong>ta<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>g relationships. The process of<br />
confl ict resolution or transformation takes energy—it is not a passive, placid process.<br />
2. Emotional events trigger responses. We realize we are <strong>in</strong> confl ict when we beg<strong>in</strong> to<br />
sense someth<strong>in</strong>g uncomfortable. We become agitated on the bodily level; this bodily<br />
response takes on a label as a certa<strong>in</strong> emotion or feel<strong>in</strong>g. For <strong>in</strong>stance, Patricia, a<br />
junior, has just become engaged. She realizes that she is feel<strong>in</strong>g distress and discomfort<br />
around her fi ancé’s family. Josh’s family is large, gregarious, and warm. They<br />
often <strong>in</strong>vite Josh and Patricia to jo<strong>in</strong> family events. Yet recently Patricia has noticed<br />
that she feels resentful and hurt, and is mak<strong>in</strong>g up excuses to keep from see<strong>in</strong>g them.<br />
In a confl ict with Josh, Patricia realized that she feels left out or “blotted out” by the<br />
large, enthusiastic family. Her feel<strong>in</strong>gs alerted her to a problem.<br />
3. Intensity of emotion varies through the conflict process. You may feel very strongly at the<br />
beg<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>g of a conflict, then less <strong>in</strong>tensely as resolution or process<strong>in</strong>g cont<strong>in</strong>ues. For<br />
<strong>in</strong>stance, you may beg<strong>in</strong> by feel<strong>in</strong>g fury, move to irritation, and then realize you are feel<strong>in</strong>g<br />
relief. It is a mistake to make a prediction based on an early emotion—to describe someone<br />
as “an angry person who can’t be reasoned with.” In one study, people who <strong>in</strong>itiated a<br />
confrontation experienced more <strong>in</strong>tensity and disruption <strong>in</strong> their lives than did the “target”<br />
of the confrontation. This may be because the one who <strong>in</strong>itiates experiences a buildup<br />
of emotion. The emotional charge enables the confrontation to take place (DiPaola,<br />
Roloff, and Peters 2010). We must experience some emotion to engage <strong>in</strong> conflict.<br />
4. We experience emotion as good or bad, positive or negative (Sanford 2007), pleasant or<br />
unpleasant, and helpful or destructive. We humans evaluate our emotions; we don’t experience<br />
emotions from a distance, or objectively. Not many people enjoy fury, resentment,<br />
anger, or fear, but prefer the positive emotions such as joy, elation, love/bond<strong>in</strong>g,<br />
or pleasure. We experience specific feel<strong>in</strong>gs, ris<strong>in</strong>g from emotional arousal, as positive,<br />
negative, or neutral. We push away negative ones and hold on to positive ones. We<br />
will explore the role of both positive and negative emotions <strong>in</strong> greater detail later.<br />
5. We become emotional because someth<strong>in</strong>g is at stake for us—our identity (see <strong>Chapter</strong> 3 ;<br />
Fisher and Shapiro 2005). Often one person <strong>in</strong> a couple will say, “I can’t discuss this<br />
while you are so emotional.” Yet when important identity and relationship issues are at<br />
stake, emotion is simply part of the picture. We can regulate our expression of emotion,<br />
but should never require ourselves or others “not to feel.” A good new habit would<br />
be to never aga<strong>in</strong> say and mean, “you shouldn’t feel that way!” Older adults may feel<br />
that less is at stake <strong>in</strong> conflict, s<strong>in</strong>ce they report fewer conflicts than do young adults<br />
(Almeida 2005; Almeida and Horn 2004) and when they do have conflict, they report<br />
lower overall distress (Charles and Carstensen 2008). Older adults even reported fewer<br />
negative emotions <strong>in</strong> conflicts than did middle-aged adults (Carstensen, Gottman,<br />
and Levenson 2004). It may be that maturity for most people <strong>in</strong>creases their options
194 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
for putt<strong>in</strong>g conflicts <strong>in</strong>to perspective. With maturity we def<strong>in</strong>e ourselves less by the<br />
outcome of each conflict because we simply have more of a sense of who we are.<br />
6. Relationships are defi ned by the k<strong>in</strong>d of emotion expressed. Two acqua<strong>in</strong>tances are work<strong>in</strong>g<br />
on a project <strong>in</strong> class. One person feels upset because the quality of work done by<br />
the other is disappo<strong>in</strong>t<strong>in</strong>g and the due date is com<strong>in</strong>g up soon. When she expresses<br />
disappo<strong>in</strong>tment, the project partner says, “If you don’t like it, do it yourself. I am<br />
overwhelmed by work.” The relationship suggests that even moderate emotion<br />
(disappo<strong>in</strong>tment) cannot be safely expressed. These two will not rema<strong>in</strong> friends after<br />
the project is turned <strong>in</strong>—and they may not even be speak<strong>in</strong>g at that po<strong>in</strong>t!<br />
The most <strong>in</strong>tense confl icts if overcome, leave beh<strong>in</strong>d a sense of security and calm that is not<br />
easily disturbed. It is just these <strong>in</strong>tense confl icts and their confl agration which are needed to pro-<br />
duce valuable and last<strong>in</strong>g results.<br />
— C. G. Jung<br />
Negative beliefs about emotions might <strong>in</strong>clude the follow<strong>in</strong>g. Which resonate with you?<br />
nMisconceptions of Emotion <strong>in</strong> <strong>Conflict</strong><br />
• <strong>Emotions</strong> are irrational.<br />
• <strong>Emotions</strong> can’t be controlled and will escalate if expressed or released.<br />
• One should ignore emotions to resolve confl ict well.<br />
• <strong>Emotions</strong> h<strong>in</strong>der good decision mak<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
• <strong>Emotions</strong> are for the powerless (women, children, and marg<strong>in</strong>alized people).<br />
• <strong>Emotions</strong> are not to be expressed at work.<br />
• Good, well-developed people should be beyond emotions.<br />
• I can express emotions if I can justify my feel<strong>in</strong>gs logically.<br />
• <strong>Emotions</strong> should be saved for “later.”<br />
• If I “let go” of emotions I will lose control.<br />
• People will avoid me if I express emotions (except “nice” feel<strong>in</strong>gs).<br />
• Other people should not burden me with their emotions.<br />
• If other people express emotions, I have a responsibility to do someth<strong>in</strong>g about them.<br />
• If I express anger, it means I don’t love or respect the object of my anger. If others express<br />
anger it means they don’t respect me. (Adapted from Cloke and Goldsmith 2000.)<br />
nA Model of <strong>Emotions</strong><br />
How many emotions exist, and what are these emotions? Different researchers compile<br />
different lists of basic emotions. All <strong>in</strong>clude fear and anger, and most <strong>in</strong>clude joy and<br />
sorrow (Nesse and Ellsworth 2009). One way to organize a way to th<strong>in</strong>k about emotions is<br />
the circumplex model of affect (see Figure 6.1 ). 2<br />
2 See Nesse and Ellsworth (2009) for a complete literature review of the different ways theories of<br />
emotions have developed.
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 195<br />
Figure 6.1<br />
A Circumplex Model of Affect<br />
nervous<br />
stressed<br />
tense<br />
ACTIVATION<br />
alert<br />
excited<br />
elated<br />
upset<br />
UNPLEASANT<br />
sad<br />
depressed<br />
bored<br />
happy<br />
PLEASANT<br />
contented<br />
serene<br />
relaxed<br />
calm<br />
DEACTIVATION<br />
You will notice that emotions are classifi ed as Activated or Deactivated and Unpleasant<br />
or Pleasant . 3 Look at the northeast quadrant of the model. In this quadrant, emotions are<br />
activated and pleasant (alert, excited, elated, and happy). Study the other quadrants, then<br />
answer the questions <strong>in</strong> Application 6.2.<br />
Application 6.2<br />
My Ma<strong>in</strong> Emotional Preferences<br />
Th<strong>in</strong>k of a recent conflict. How would you describe the emotions experienced by all parties<br />
<strong>in</strong>volved <strong>in</strong> terms of the circumplex model? For <strong>in</strong>stance, Eric may have felt emotions that<br />
were “unpleasant/deactivated” (the southwest quadrant)—sad, depressed, and bored—<br />
while Theresa experienced “activated/unpleasant” emotions (the northwest quadrant)—<br />
tense, nervous, stressed, and upset. Use a conflict of your own and diagram the emotions<br />
you th<strong>in</strong>k and remember that you and others experienced.<br />
In confl ict, a tension of opposites is presented—do we open up or close down? Do we<br />
soften or harden? (Baxter 2011; Welwood 1990; Sanford 2007). Do we avoid or engage;<br />
tighten up and turn away or relax and turn toward? (Cloke and Goldsmith 2000).<br />
For the purposes of confl ict transformation, we are concerned about whether the<br />
feel<strong>in</strong>gs open, broaden, and help people come toward each other for problem solv<strong>in</strong>g,<br />
or whether they shut us down, close us off, and lead us to withdraw from the person or<br />
the problem that arouses our feel<strong>in</strong>gs. Do we respond to emotions with communication<br />
that leads to heal<strong>in</strong>g and movement, or constriction of self, other, and relationship?<br />
3<br />
Nesse and Ellsworth 2009, adapted from Posner, Russell, and Peterson 2005.
196 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
Hard emotions lead to blame, criticism, threats—tear<strong>in</strong>g the fragile fabric of the web of<br />
connection—whereas softer emotions lead to open<strong>in</strong>gs for transformation. The circumplex<br />
model provides a map so you can locate yourself <strong>in</strong> relationship to your usual style of<br />
emotional experience <strong>in</strong> confl ict.<br />
nF<strong>in</strong>d<strong>in</strong>g Feel<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
People sometimes fi nd it diffi cult to talk about feel<strong>in</strong>gs, so let’s explore feel<strong>in</strong>g words <strong>in</strong><br />
more detail. Here is an exhaustive list of feel<strong>in</strong>g words. Choose words that might be clustered<br />
with anger, fear/anxiety, sadness, shame, or disgust to describe how Darlene and her<br />
father (presented <strong>in</strong> the case below) might be feel<strong>in</strong>g. In the next section, we will discuss<br />
the helpful use of positive emotions. For now, expand your feel<strong>in</strong>g-words repertoire by<br />
study<strong>in</strong>g the words that describe what the two parties might be feel<strong>in</strong>g. Then compare<br />
your responses with someone <strong>in</strong> class. Please note that <strong>in</strong> our culture, feel<strong>in</strong>gs and emotions<br />
are often used <strong>in</strong>terchangeably. We have presented the dist<strong>in</strong>ctions <strong>in</strong> the research<br />
literature between the two ideas, but realistically, you will use the words to mean more or<br />
less the same th<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
Application 6.3<br />
affectionate<br />
afraid<br />
aggressive<br />
agonized<br />
alarmed<br />
alienated<br />
alone<br />
angry<br />
anxious<br />
apathetic<br />
apologetic<br />
appreciated<br />
arrogant<br />
ashamed<br />
attractive<br />
awkward<br />
bashful<br />
beaten<br />
beautiful<br />
bewildered<br />
blissful<br />
bored<br />
brave<br />
List of Feel<strong>in</strong>g Words<br />
calm<br />
car<strong>in</strong>g<br />
cautious<br />
closed<br />
cold<br />
comfortable<br />
committed<br />
compassionate<br />
competent<br />
concentrat<strong>in</strong>g<br />
concerned<br />
confident<br />
confused<br />
contented<br />
cowardly<br />
creative<br />
cruel<br />
curious<br />
cut off<br />
defeated<br />
defensive<br />
dejected<br />
demure<br />
dependent<br />
depressed<br />
deprived<br />
desperate<br />
determ<strong>in</strong>ed<br />
disappo<strong>in</strong>ted<br />
disapprov<strong>in</strong>g<br />
disbeliev<strong>in</strong>g<br />
disgusted<br />
distasteful<br />
dom<strong>in</strong>eer<strong>in</strong>g<br />
eager<br />
easygo<strong>in</strong>g<br />
ecstatic<br />
embarrassed<br />
enraged<br />
envious<br />
evasive<br />
evil<br />
exasperated<br />
excited<br />
exhausted<br />
exhilarated<br />
(cont<strong>in</strong>ued)
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 197<br />
List of Feel<strong>in</strong>g Words<br />
Application 6.3<br />
fatalistic<br />
fearful<br />
fem<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>e<br />
flirtatious<br />
friendly<br />
frightened<br />
frigid<br />
frustrated<br />
generous<br />
genu<strong>in</strong>e<br />
gentle<br />
giddy<br />
glad<br />
grateful<br />
griev<strong>in</strong>g<br />
grudg<strong>in</strong>g<br />
guilty<br />
gutless<br />
happy<br />
hateful<br />
homicidal<br />
hopeful<br />
hopeless<br />
horrified<br />
hostile<br />
hot<br />
humorous<br />
hungover<br />
hurt<br />
hyperactive<br />
hysterical<br />
idiotic<br />
ignored<br />
immobilized<br />
impatient<br />
<strong>in</strong>adequate<br />
<strong>in</strong>competent<br />
<strong>in</strong>decisive<br />
<strong>in</strong>different<br />
<strong>in</strong>ferior<br />
<strong>in</strong>hibited<br />
<strong>in</strong>nocent<br />
<strong>in</strong>secure<br />
<strong>in</strong>s<strong>in</strong>cere<br />
<strong>in</strong>terested<br />
<strong>in</strong>volved<br />
isolated<br />
jealous<br />
joyful<br />
judgmental<br />
lively<br />
loaded<br />
lonely<br />
lovable<br />
loved<br />
lovestruck<br />
lov<strong>in</strong>g<br />
lovely<br />
mascul<strong>in</strong>e<br />
masked<br />
masochistic<br />
meditative<br />
melancholy<br />
mischievous<br />
miserable<br />
misrepresented<br />
misunderstood<br />
mysterious<br />
needy<br />
negative<br />
obst<strong>in</strong>ate<br />
old<br />
optimistic<br />
out of control<br />
overcontrolled<br />
oversexed<br />
overwhelmed<br />
pa<strong>in</strong>ed<br />
paranoid<br />
passionate<br />
peaceful<br />
perplexed<br />
persecuted<br />
pessimistic<br />
phony<br />
pitiful<br />
playful<br />
pleased<br />
possessive<br />
preoccupied<br />
prejudiced<br />
pressured<br />
protective<br />
proud<br />
prudish<br />
puzzled<br />
quarrelsome<br />
quiet<br />
regretful<br />
rejected<br />
relieved<br />
remorseful<br />
repelled<br />
repulsed<br />
repulsive<br />
restra<strong>in</strong>ed<br />
reverent<br />
sad<br />
sadistic<br />
satisfied<br />
secure<br />
seductive<br />
self-pity<strong>in</strong>g<br />
self-reliant<br />
sexy<br />
shallow<br />
sheepish<br />
shocked<br />
shy<br />
silly<br />
s<strong>in</strong>cere<br />
s<strong>in</strong>ful<br />
sluggish<br />
(cont<strong>in</strong>ued)
198 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
Application 6.3<br />
smug<br />
soft<br />
sorry<br />
stubborn<br />
stupid<br />
suicidal<br />
superior<br />
supported<br />
supportive<br />
surly<br />
surprised<br />
suspicious<br />
sympathetic<br />
tender<br />
terrified<br />
List of Feel<strong>in</strong>g Words<br />
thoughtful<br />
threatened<br />
tolerant<br />
torn<br />
touchy<br />
triumphant<br />
two-faced<br />
ugly<br />
undecided<br />
understand<strong>in</strong>g<br />
unresponsive<br />
unsupported<br />
unsupportive<br />
unsure<br />
unwill<strong>in</strong>g<br />
uptight<br />
useful<br />
useless<br />
v<strong>in</strong>dictive<br />
violent<br />
weary<br />
weepy<br />
wishy-washy<br />
withdrawn<br />
youthful<br />
zany<br />
zealous<br />
4<br />
zesty<br />
Case 6.1<br />
How to Help a Difficult Father<br />
Darlene’s father lives across the country from her. Darlene’s two brothers, Hal and Mark,<br />
live <strong>in</strong> neighbor<strong>in</strong>g towns from their dad, a popular doctor <strong>in</strong> his community. Darlene’s dad,<br />
commonly called “Doc,” has been diagnosed with cancer. Darlene is a social work student,<br />
with excellent communication skills. After several conversations with her brothers, Darlene<br />
talks on the phone with Doc.<br />
Darlene: Dad, I am so sorry your cancer has come back <strong>in</strong> this form. I want you to<br />
know that I want to help. I can talk with my professors and get some time<br />
away from my classes. This is really important and you are go<strong>in</strong>g to need<br />
some help (Darlene’s parents have been divorced a long time).<br />
Doc: Oh, Fred (one of his sons) is go<strong>in</strong>g to take me to the surgeon’s consultation,<br />
and I imag<strong>in</strong>e he’ll help out.<br />
Darlene: But if you go through chemo, you are go<strong>in</strong>g to need some help at home, especially<br />
at first. I can come for that first week or more.<br />
Doc: Well, nobody thought my prostate cancer (five years ago) was a big deal, so<br />
I don’t know what everyone is gett<strong>in</strong>g so upset about now.<br />
(cont<strong>in</strong>ued)<br />
4<br />
Thank you to Jacquie Gibson for this expanded list of words. Please note that many of these feel<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
conta<strong>in</strong> appraisals and judgments and are not by any means “pure feel<strong>in</strong>gs.” Feel<strong>in</strong>gs often come<br />
with evaluations.
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 199<br />
Case 6.1<br />
How to Help a Difficult Father<br />
Darlene: Dad, we all cared about your cancer, and we care now. Will you stay <strong>in</strong> touch<br />
with me and let me know what your plans are? I will be glad to help coord<strong>in</strong>ate<br />
home health care, and help you get set up with your treatment plans.<br />
Doc: Oh, I th<strong>in</strong>k I’ll be all right. You have your school.<br />
Darlene: Dad, you’re tell<strong>in</strong>g me that last time you felt that we didn’t care, and I want<br />
you to know that’s not the way I feel. I would like to be <strong>in</strong>volved.<br />
Doc: Don’t worry about me. I’ll be f<strong>in</strong>e.<br />
What do you th<strong>in</strong>k Darlene is feel<strong>in</strong>g? Go through the list of feel<strong>in</strong>g words and circle<br />
the relevant words, then locate them on the circumplex model.<br />
What is Doc feel<strong>in</strong>g? Go through the list of feel<strong>in</strong>g words, circle the relevant words,<br />
then locate them on the circumplex model.<br />
Functions of <strong>Emotions</strong><br />
As we have seen, emotions can be described <strong>in</strong> a variety of ways. However emotions<br />
are described, they evolved with specifi c purposes related to human survival (Izard and<br />
Ackerman 2000). No “unreasonable” emotions survived the evolutionary process. Remember,<br />
we feel what we feel, and we choose how to act on these feel<strong>in</strong>gs or emotions.<br />
This process is described by Reeves (2010) as one of <strong>in</strong>tegrat<strong>in</strong>g m<strong>in</strong>d, emotion, and spirituality<br />
with<strong>in</strong> the bra<strong>in</strong> <strong>in</strong> order to develop an educated heart (20).<br />
<strong>Emotions</strong> Help Us Adapt<br />
Evidence abounds that discrete emotions evolved to help human be<strong>in</strong>gs adapt to specifi c<br />
k<strong>in</strong>ds of challenges. Adaptive functions of emotions can be summarized by the follow<strong>in</strong>g<br />
six pr<strong>in</strong>ciples (Izard and Ackerman 2000):<br />
1. Motivation depends on emotions. Our behavioral goals depend on feel<strong>in</strong>gs. When our<br />
primary concern is, for <strong>in</strong>stance, to avoid destructive confl ict with a powerful supervisor,<br />
we may be motivated by fear and self-protection. When we want to “close the<br />
gap” with a loved one with whom we have argued, we are moved by love and attachment.<br />
We don’t simply “act without reason.” The reason for our actions is rooted <strong>in</strong><br />
our feel<strong>in</strong>gs.<br />
2. Each discrete emotion serves different functions (Ackerman, Abe, and Izard 1998).<br />
Separate emotions help us know how to <strong>in</strong>terpret <strong>in</strong>formation we take <strong>in</strong> (perception).<br />
You might th<strong>in</strong>k of your cat or dog watch<strong>in</strong>g TV with you. Most of the time,<br />
the visual and auditory stimuli must seem like a “buzz<strong>in</strong>g, bloom<strong>in</strong>g confusion.” But<br />
if a fl ock of birds fl ies across the screen, your cat might rush up to the screen and try<br />
to pounce on them. The emotion of “pursue/go toward” has been triggered. <strong>Emotions</strong><br />
help us humans th<strong>in</strong>k about what we should do. If we sense “get away fast”<br />
<strong>in</strong> our bodily response, we can th<strong>in</strong>k about whether we want to act on this emotion<br />
by leav<strong>in</strong>g the room, stay<strong>in</strong>g and attempt<strong>in</strong>g to change the communication<br />
environment, or engag<strong>in</strong>g the threaten<strong>in</strong>g person <strong>in</strong> an attempt to transform what
200 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
is happen<strong>in</strong>g. Th<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g or refl ect<strong>in</strong>g, while at the same time experienc<strong>in</strong>g strong<br />
emotional trigger<strong>in</strong>g, helps us cope with confl ict creatively. We are not bound by<br />
“fi ght or fl ight.” Confl ict resolution calls on both cop<strong>in</strong>g with what is and creatively<br />
transform<strong>in</strong>g what is to what it might become. Different emotions help us accomplish<br />
different tasks <strong>in</strong> confl ict resolution.<br />
3. Signifi cant personal situations trigger organized patterns of emotions. One emotion<br />
regulates other emotions. For <strong>in</strong>stance, we may desperately want to avoid<br />
an apology to a partner when we have betrayed them. We can th<strong>in</strong>k of many<br />
reasons why the betrayal occurred, we aren’t over be<strong>in</strong>g angry at the way our<br />
betrayal was discovered, but at the same time we feel afraid of los<strong>in</strong>g the relationship.<br />
Fear <strong>in</strong>teracts with resentment and shame, mediated by love, to move<br />
us to a specifi c action—<strong>in</strong> this case, apology. If we were only afraid, we would<br />
avoid. If we were only resentful, we might escalate. <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong>teract <strong>in</strong> layered<br />
ways. Confl icts are diffi cult and complex because feel<strong>in</strong>gs and thoughts are often<br />
mixed.<br />
Emotional <strong>in</strong>telligence depends on be<strong>in</strong>g able to understand and <strong>in</strong>terpret many<br />
layers of feel<strong>in</strong>gs and thoughts. When someone says, “Look, it’s simple. You either<br />
love me and support me or you don’t,” the speaker is oversimplify<strong>in</strong>g a complex set<br />
of feel<strong>in</strong>gs and thoughts. It’s usually not that simple. When people say, “It’s simple,”<br />
you can decode that wishful statement as a persuasive appeal, not a statement of<br />
emotional fact.<br />
4. People develop emotion-behavior patterns early <strong>in</strong> life and build on them. The sad cry<strong>in</strong>g<br />
child becomes an older child with a sad face. That older child becomes an adult who<br />
manages sadness by learn<strong>in</strong>g other cop<strong>in</strong>g skills and develop<strong>in</strong>g other emotions and<br />
cognitive abilities. The adult looks sad, and is sad, but also learns which people are<br />
understand<strong>in</strong>g and nurtur<strong>in</strong>g, and uses love and affi liation to mitigate real sadness.<br />
Some people learn to move toward people <strong>in</strong> ambiguous situations. They grew up<br />
<strong>in</strong> a trust<strong>in</strong>g environment that rewarded an outgo<strong>in</strong>g nature; they may be seen as<br />
“gregarious” <strong>in</strong> adulthood.<br />
5. Individual personalities are built upon the blocks of emotion-behavior patterns. For<br />
<strong>in</strong>stance, consistently high levels of joy or positive emotions often lead to positive<br />
social relationships and ease with people (Abe and Izard 1999). We br<strong>in</strong>g<br />
our personality structures <strong>in</strong>to confl ict resolution activities. People differ, for<br />
example, <strong>in</strong> how long they can tolerate anger, or uncerta<strong>in</strong>ty, or hostility from<br />
others before they are motivated to do someth<strong>in</strong>g about the unhappy situation.<br />
Personalities are constructed upon many learn<strong>in</strong>g situations. We <strong>in</strong>herit certa<strong>in</strong><br />
traits such as extraversion and <strong>in</strong>troversion, but our unique personalities result<br />
from many different experiences. We can change aspects of our personalities<br />
by focus<strong>in</strong>g on what works and does not work. For <strong>in</strong>stance, we can learn to be<br />
more warm and compassionate, to wait longer while experienc<strong>in</strong>g discomfort,<br />
and to th<strong>in</strong>k <strong>in</strong>stead of simply react<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
6. While emotions help people adapt to community life, they also trigger difficult behavior <strong>in</strong><br />
response to certa<strong>in</strong> triggers. Aggression may quickly follow anger and fear, for <strong>in</strong>stance,<br />
if the desire to act on anger is not regulated by someth<strong>in</strong>g else, such as shame or<br />
altruism.
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 201<br />
Functions of Negative <strong>Emotions</strong><br />
<strong>Emotions</strong> fi t, although not “neatly,” <strong>in</strong>to two ma<strong>in</strong> subjective categories. In addition to<br />
recogniz<strong>in</strong>g and categoriz<strong>in</strong>g emotions accord<strong>in</strong>g to the circumplex model, we use a more<br />
<strong>in</strong>formal and personal way to categorize emotions. At this po<strong>in</strong>t we will use “emotions”<br />
rather than “feel<strong>in</strong>gs,” s<strong>in</strong>ce this is the way the research literature commonly refers to<br />
these human states. We commonly refer to (1) negative emotions and (2) positive emotions.<br />
As we discussed previously, all emotions serve some adaptive function. Nevertheless,<br />
people typically refer to emotions as negative or positive. People who can dist<strong>in</strong>guish<br />
among discrete emotions are better able to regulate negative emotions than those who<br />
make fewer dist<strong>in</strong>ctions and rema<strong>in</strong> less knowledgeable (Rivers et al. 2007). The good<br />
news about research on positive emotions <strong>in</strong> confl ict resolution is that positive emotions<br />
are fi nally receiv<strong>in</strong>g more attention. However, s<strong>in</strong>ce anger and fear rema<strong>in</strong> the emotions<br />
most people th<strong>in</strong>k of when they imag<strong>in</strong>e or experience confl ict, we will start with these<br />
troublesome and common emotions.<br />
Anger<br />
Anger is a strong feel<strong>in</strong>g of displeasure, associated with antagonism and rage (Cahn and<br />
Abigail 2007). Angry emotion threatens most people; few healthy people enjoy feel<strong>in</strong>g angry<br />
or hav<strong>in</strong>g others direct anger at them. Anger differs from aggression <strong>in</strong> that aggression<br />
is an attack, whereas “anger is the feel<strong>in</strong>g connected to a perceived unfairness or <strong>in</strong>justice”<br />
(Young-Eisendrath 1997, 26). In this sense, anger helps people set boundaries when they<br />
need to be set, and to right wrongs. When we believe we are a victim of an <strong>in</strong>justice, our<br />
usual response is anger (Mikula, Scherer, and Athenstaedt 1998). People who have an unrealistically<br />
high sense of self-esteem ride the horse of angry aggression more than people<br />
who are also motivated by the desire to solve problems, not seek vengeance, and avoid<br />
negative consequences (Baumeister, Smart, and Boden 1996).<br />
Anger can be a wake-up call, a motivator, and an energizer—a source of empowerment<br />
(usually) for the person who feels it (Planalp 1999). Anger can mobilize and susta<strong>in</strong><br />
energy at very high levels. Anger is sensed <strong>in</strong> our bodies by the awareness of heightened<br />
blood pressure, fl ushed face, sweat<strong>in</strong>g, muscle tightness, fast breath<strong>in</strong>g, and a loud or high<br />
voice. When anger is expressed directly, the person to whom it is directed is warned—<br />
change or face the consequences (Planalp 1999). Self-responsibility calls for understand<strong>in</strong>g<br />
our anger well enough so we don’t justify <strong>in</strong>effective and harmful behavior “because<br />
she made me mad.” We can use anger to act, while we question which actions will be most<br />
helpful, effective, and will avoid backfi r<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong>to a spiral of hostility and revenge.<br />
Anger was termed “the moral emotion” by the ancients because it is based on a fast,<br />
refl ective judgment that we have been wronged or threatened. We feel anger when our<br />
safety or our core values are threatened. Anger is “rooted <strong>in</strong> reason; it is equally of the<br />
heart and the head” (Young-Eisendrath 1983, 154). When an offense is real and important,<br />
the desire for revenge makes sense. The problem is that when we are angry, we may<br />
exaggerate an offense, plan revenge, and then lead ourselves and others <strong>in</strong>to unproductive<br />
confl ict (Planalp 1999). Yoshimura’s research shows that while th<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g about revenge<br />
can make people feel better as they imag<strong>in</strong>e vengeful acts, remorse sets <strong>in</strong> when people<br />
commit acts that may come back to shame or sanction them (Yoshimura 2007).<br />
Express<strong>in</strong>g anger <strong>in</strong> an unrestra<strong>in</strong>ed way creates more anger. Vent<strong>in</strong>g (unrestra<strong>in</strong>ed<br />
expression of anger) does not discharge the emotion or reduce the feel<strong>in</strong>gs (Tavris 1989).
202 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
In the 1960s and 1970s the idea that “anger is cathartic” ga<strong>in</strong>ed prom<strong>in</strong>ence; that discharg<strong>in</strong>g<br />
anger would make anger lessen. This idea was especially helpful for people, often<br />
women, who had learned to repress their anger, and above all, to be “nice.” Repression<br />
of anger leads to somatic concerns and an <strong>in</strong>authentic way of liv<strong>in</strong>g. Many people <strong>in</strong> the<br />
post–World War II era learned to conform, to repress their anger and other emotions, and<br />
to just “get on with it.” Women, especially, learned that their anger was seen as unfem<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>e.<br />
The second women’s movement of the 1970s and beyond helped change this harmful<br />
belief. Researchers now know that talk<strong>in</strong>g anger through <strong>in</strong> a way that does not escalate<br />
can be helpful; escalat<strong>in</strong>g verbal or physical anger usually escalates the anger emotion.<br />
Repression makes people sick and unhappy. Anger can be worked with <strong>in</strong> conversation.<br />
The follow<strong>in</strong>g suggestions will help you deal with your own anger constructively:<br />
• Use your anger to restore your sense of justice and control over an <strong>in</strong>tolerable situation<br />
(Cahn and Abigail 2007). Avoid creat<strong>in</strong>g harm. You can address a situation<br />
without mak<strong>in</strong>g it worse or caus<strong>in</strong>g emotional <strong>in</strong>jury.<br />
• Direct your anger at the right person (adapted from Cahn and Abigail 2007). Avoid<br />
ventilat<strong>in</strong>g to “the world <strong>in</strong> general when you actually need to speak to a specifi c<br />
person.” Notice how <strong>in</strong>s<strong>in</strong>cere your response is when someone says, “oh, I’m not<br />
mad at you—you’re just the only one who will listen.”<br />
• Refl ect, calm down, and th<strong>in</strong>k before you express your anger. Yes, you can “th<strong>in</strong>k while<br />
feel<strong>in</strong>g.” Go<strong>in</strong>g with angry words before you have thought them through usually<br />
makes everyth<strong>in</strong>g worse.<br />
• Use all your best communication skills , such as “I” statements, refl ections, rephras<strong>in</strong>g,<br />
open-ended questions, soft start-ups, and show<strong>in</strong>g respect for the other while stat<strong>in</strong>g<br />
your own feel<strong>in</strong>gs and needs clearly.<br />
• Be courageous . Rather than use <strong>in</strong>direct communication (sarcasm, snide comments,<br />
passive aggression, avoidance, and hid<strong>in</strong>g beh<strong>in</strong>d e-mail or other electronic communication,)<br />
pick up the phone, f<strong>in</strong>d the person, speak directly, and look them <strong>in</strong> the face.<br />
• Develop a keen awareness of how people react to you nonverbally . Take seriously criticism<br />
that you look or sound enraged, threaten<strong>in</strong>g, hostile, or demean<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
Fear and Anxiety<br />
Fear and anxiety fi gure heavily <strong>in</strong> confl ict resolution activities. These emotions can be<br />
found on the left quadrant of the circumplex model. Fear and anxiety are experienced by<br />
most as actively unpleasant. Fear leads people, fi rst, to avoid. Fear does not have to <strong>in</strong>volve<br />
“fl ight” <strong>in</strong> the commonplace “fi ght” or “fl ight” choice. Just as anger does not necessarily<br />
lead to fi ght<strong>in</strong>g, fear does not necessarily lead to fl ee<strong>in</strong>g. Fear sometimes disables the physical<br />
and emotional systems as we “freeze,” not able to mobilize ourselves to do anyth<strong>in</strong>g for<br />
a while. We may dissociate, or withdraw (without know<strong>in</strong>g it) from the pa<strong>in</strong>ful emotion<br />
of a situation. The threat often is perceived as personal and psychological. We feel threats<br />
to our <strong>in</strong>tegrity, or our sense of well-be<strong>in</strong>g, or the pa<strong>in</strong>ful threat of loss of a person, position,<br />
or role that we value. Fear can create “tunnel vision” as we focus only on the threat<br />
and forget to look around and assess what else might be happen<strong>in</strong>g (Izard and Ackerman<br />
2000). Fear is the key emotion <strong>in</strong> anxiety. When we worry about what may happen, we<br />
are “ anxious or afraid. ”
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 203<br />
When we experience anxiety, we probably fear what might happen. The phrase<br />
“dread<strong>in</strong>g ahead” describes what many people feel when they describe their anxiety.<br />
One man described to us his anxiety about his wife tak<strong>in</strong>g a job <strong>in</strong> another town. He<br />
was worried (anxious) about both not want<strong>in</strong>g to give up his job and move, and also<br />
worried about not be<strong>in</strong>g able to fi nd a new job as good as the one he would be leav<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
He was temporarily frozen, experienc<strong>in</strong>g great anxiety, dread, sadness, hurt, and<br />
depression. He was not able to discern what bothered him most until he began to list<br />
his anxious fears. Nor surpris<strong>in</strong>gly, he also discovered that he was angry that his wife<br />
presumed that she should go ahead and take the new job without consider<strong>in</strong>g his feel<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
more fully.<br />
Fear and anger often <strong>in</strong>teract <strong>in</strong> a patterned way. When one focuses on the “target”<br />
of anger, the person or situation that may threaten someth<strong>in</strong>g valuable, the anger-fear<br />
sequence is set <strong>in</strong>to motion.<br />
Consider the list of the dynamics of anger and fear below. Fear and hurt underlie most<br />
emotions of anger. Fear makes human be<strong>in</strong>gs experience vulnerability that we then experience<br />
as anger, which is more socially acceptable for adults than is fear. The follow<strong>in</strong>g<br />
list gives some examples of <strong>in</strong>terpersonal anger situations along with possible <strong>in</strong>termixed<br />
fears/anxieties. Study these, then list a few angry situations of your own and see if you can<br />
determ<strong>in</strong>e how fear/anxiety might be mixed <strong>in</strong> with your own anger.<br />
Anger Situations<br />
1. A woman is angry at her friend for call<strong>in</strong>g her a name <strong>in</strong> public. (She is fearful of<br />
not be<strong>in</strong>g accepted by others and of los<strong>in</strong>g face.)<br />
2. A newly promoted employee is angry because his secretary didn’t get the fi nal report<br />
to him on time. (He is afraid that his own supervisor will th<strong>in</strong>k he is not work<strong>in</strong>g<br />
hard enough, and he really needs this job.)<br />
3. A husband is furious that his wife has disclosed their private life to others <strong>in</strong> a hurtful<br />
way. (He is frightened that their bond is no longer strong and that their relationship<br />
is end<strong>in</strong>g.)<br />
Figure 6.2<br />
Anger-Fear Sequence<br />
Perceived<br />
threat<br />
Fear<br />
Anger
204 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
4. A s<strong>in</strong>gle parent overreacts to a child’s misbehav<strong>in</strong>g at a family reunion by rais<strong>in</strong>g his<br />
voice and order<strong>in</strong>g the child <strong>in</strong>to a time out. (He is afraid that other family members<br />
will criticize his parent<strong>in</strong>g.)<br />
5. An <strong>in</strong>timate partner casually <strong>in</strong>dicates that she might change her plans and not visit<br />
her fi ancé when she had planned. Her partner says, “Well, if you have better th<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
to do than honor your commitments, go ahead.” (He has asked an old friend to<br />
visit to meet his signifi cant other and fears look<strong>in</strong>g foolish after speak<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> glow<strong>in</strong>g<br />
terms about the wonderful woman he wants his friend to meet. He is afraid he is<br />
unimportant to her, and he doesn’t want to lose face with his friend.)<br />
Hurt<br />
Hurt is an <strong>in</strong>tense emotion that comes from feel<strong>in</strong>g psychologically <strong>in</strong>jured by another<br />
person (Guerrero and LaValley 2006; Vangelisti and Sprague 1998). Hurt is <strong>in</strong>herently<br />
<strong>in</strong>terpersonal, even if the <strong>in</strong>jury happened long ago. When people are deeply hurt, they<br />
experience <strong>in</strong>tensely strong feel<strong>in</strong>gs such as agony, despair, anger, sadness, and suffer<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
Hurt is a diffi cult emotion to experience without blame. The feel<strong>in</strong>g of be<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong>jured is<br />
pa<strong>in</strong>ful enough that human nature causes us, often, to look for a cause of the hurt. Often,<br />
someone has caused the hurt—true enough. When a partner betrays another, the “cause,”<br />
or at least the trigger, of the hurt is very clear. When the <strong>in</strong>jured party stays frozen <strong>in</strong> the<br />
hurt/blame cycle, little changes. (We will discuss this situation <strong>in</strong> detail <strong>in</strong> <strong>Chapter</strong> 10 ,<br />
“The Practice of Forgiveness and Reconciliation.”) Great skill is required for both the <strong>in</strong>jured<br />
party and the person caus<strong>in</strong>g the harm to reconcile with each other, if they want to<br />
do so. Many times, hurt is made worse when the person caus<strong>in</strong>g the <strong>in</strong>jury will not listen<br />
or will not accept any responsibility. Relationships end when the hurt is too great and the<br />
attempts at repair are <strong>in</strong>adequate.<br />
Common relational transgressions (Metts 1994) <strong>in</strong>clude betray<strong>in</strong>g a confi dence, leav<strong>in</strong>g<br />
someone out, sexual <strong>in</strong>fi delity, ly<strong>in</strong>g and cover<strong>in</strong>g up, forgett<strong>in</strong>g plans or special occasions,<br />
fl irt<strong>in</strong>g with a former partner, and physical abuse and mak<strong>in</strong>g unfair comparisons to<br />
other people (Bachman and Guerrero 2003a; Metts 1994). The best confl ict resolution approach<br />
when someone tells you they are hurt, or even, “you hurt my feel<strong>in</strong>gs,” is to <strong>in</strong>quire<br />
about what happened and how they <strong>in</strong>terpreted the action. Listen and don’t defend. You<br />
will be able to have your say, but the hurt person (whether you th<strong>in</strong>k the hurt is reasonable<br />
or not) needs to be heard fi rst. Then you can say, “I would like to tell you my perspective;<br />
can you listen to me now?” ( after you have refl ected what you heard).<br />
Attachment theory now refers not only to <strong>in</strong>fant/caregiver bonds, but also to adult relationships.<br />
Secure connections rema<strong>in</strong> essential for physical health and human thriv<strong>in</strong>g<br />
(Coan 2010; Early and Early 2011). The purpose of constructive confl ict resolution is to<br />
solve problems and preserve relationships. In the case of hurt and disrupted attachment<br />
(anxious/ambivalent, avoidant, <strong>in</strong>secure, or disorganized, Cozol<strong>in</strong>o 2010) a key moment<br />
of rupture can change everyth<strong>in</strong>g. One long-term friendship between two women changed<br />
irrevocably due to one woman’s angry attack on her friend <strong>in</strong> front of a group of women on<br />
vacation together. They were not able to repair the rupture even though both tried. When<br />
an “attachment <strong>in</strong>jury” occurs, the needed response is repair. The good news is that ruptures<br />
can be repaired and connections can be woven together aga<strong>in</strong> (Early and Early 2010).<br />
Dynamics can shift from danger through safety by creat<strong>in</strong>g a new story, a co-constructed
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 205<br />
narrative, or a “third way.” Ignor<strong>in</strong>g a rupture by deny<strong>in</strong>g that the other “should” not feel<br />
hurt usually ends the relationship, or at least a relationship of depth.<br />
Application 6.4<br />
What Would Have Helped?<br />
Th<strong>in</strong>k of a time when you hurt someone, or someone hurt you. First, write the feel<strong>in</strong>gs or<br />
emotions you felt. Then write your assumptions about the other person, about yourself, and<br />
about your relationship. What were the behaviors? From your perspective now, what might<br />
have helped? This could be someth<strong>in</strong>g either of you could have done. You could share only<br />
the last part of this activity, “What might have helped?” with your small group if you would<br />
like to preserve your privacy. It may be the case that noth<strong>in</strong>g could have helped; the rupture<br />
brought too much hurt. Not all hurts can be repaired, but the basic movement of “rupture/<br />
repair” restores connection and safety.<br />
Sadness and Depression<br />
Sadness and depression <strong>in</strong>fl uence confl ict resolution. These feel<strong>in</strong>gs comprise the southwest<br />
quadrant of the circumplex model. Sadness is not always a “negative” emotion,<br />
although few like to feel sad. Sadness, mourn<strong>in</strong>g, and grief can <strong>in</strong> fact strengthen social<br />
bonds. For <strong>in</strong>stance, when loved ones come together around the death of a friend or<br />
family member, the values of community and friendship are reaffi rmed. Averill (1968)<br />
suggests that <strong>in</strong> the course of evolution, grief <strong>in</strong>creased the probability of surviv<strong>in</strong>g because<br />
of the ways that endur<strong>in</strong>g bonds are formed. Sadness slows a person down. This<br />
may give a chance for deeper refl ection on what is happen<strong>in</strong>g, giv<strong>in</strong>g the sad person<br />
more choices to take care of him/herself and others. Sadness communicates that there<br />
is trouble (Tomk<strong>in</strong>s 1963) so the person should pay attention to one’s circumstances.<br />
Sadness is adaptive as well, because it may create a bridge of empathy to another person.<br />
Unrelieved sadness may create anger over a long time; this may turn <strong>in</strong>to depression.<br />
In addition, many cl<strong>in</strong>icians report elevated feel<strong>in</strong>gs of anger, along with sadness and<br />
anxiety, when people are depressed (Rutter, Izard, and Read 1986). Extreme sadness<br />
causes an almost total loss of pleasure and <strong>in</strong>terest <strong>in</strong> one’s surround<strong>in</strong>gs, and leads to<br />
dejection and withdrawal. Sadness and depression are not the same th<strong>in</strong>g. When sadness<br />
turns <strong>in</strong>to cl<strong>in</strong>ical depression, you will help yourself by seek<strong>in</strong>g professional help. If you<br />
experience overwhelm<strong>in</strong>g sadness, a fl at feel<strong>in</strong>g, or an <strong>in</strong>ability to move to do the th<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
that will help yourself (exercise; seek<strong>in</strong>g positive activities; socializ<strong>in</strong>g with friends; refl<br />
ect<strong>in</strong>g on your automatic, negative thoughts), then you will benefi t from professional<br />
assistance.<br />
Sadness may help <strong>in</strong> confl ict resolution because feel<strong>in</strong>g sad all the time is so unpleasant<br />
that we are moved to fi nd new solutions to problems. When we are so depressed we<br />
can hardly get out of bed to function normally, we may ask, “What is wrong and what can<br />
I do about it?” For example, Pamela found herself very sad every time she turned <strong>in</strong>to her<br />
driveway after work. Even though the day might have gone well enough at work, when she<br />
came home she found herself feel<strong>in</strong>g sad. One day she went to her friend’s house after work<br />
and told her she just didn’t want to go home, then burst <strong>in</strong>to tears. Pamela’s mother had<br />
died a few months before. Her husband Baird went to the farthest end of the house and
206 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
turned on the TV when Pamela cried. Several times Pamela told Baird that she needed<br />
comfort when she was so sad. Baird, however, felt extremely uncomfortable with Pamela’s<br />
tears. He said once, when she asked for comfort, “But there’s noth<strong>in</strong>g I can do. I am sorry<br />
your mother is gone but I can’t change anyth<strong>in</strong>g.” Pamela felt more sorrow and lonel<strong>in</strong>ess<br />
at this po<strong>in</strong>t. F<strong>in</strong>ally, after talk<strong>in</strong>g with her friend, Pamela decided to talk with Baird. After<br />
expla<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>g how she felt about com<strong>in</strong>g home, their dialogue sounded like this:<br />
Application 6.5<br />
Sadness Leads to a<br />
Better Solution<br />
Pamela: Baird, I know you care that my mother died and that I am so sad. But when you<br />
go to the den and turn on the TV when I’m cry<strong>in</strong>g, I feel more lonely than ever.<br />
I start to tell myself that you don’t care.<br />
Baird: I care a lot but there’s noth<strong>in</strong>g I can do.<br />
Pamela: There is a lot you can do. You can listen to me, hold my hand, tell me you are<br />
here for me, and that you are sorry I’m feel<strong>in</strong>g so awful.<br />
Baird: But that’s not do<strong>in</strong>g anyth<strong>in</strong>g. I can’t change anyth<strong>in</strong>g and I feel helpless.<br />
Pamela: You could change a lot for me. I wouldn’t feel so alone. I didn’t know you felt<br />
helpless.<br />
Baird: Yes—I see you so miserable and feel awful that I can’t do anyth<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
As this conversation progressed, both Pamela and Baird softened <strong>in</strong>stead of hardened.<br />
Pamela had been harden<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong>to the perspective that “He doesn’t care.” Baird had been<br />
harden<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong>to the story that “Noth<strong>in</strong>g I do makes any difference.” They found different<br />
ways to stay together through Pamela’s sadness.<br />
Some gender differences occur <strong>in</strong> the expression of sadness. Women are more likely to<br />
express sadness and cover up their anger, whereas men are more likely to express anger and<br />
cover up sadness (Timmers et al. 1998). In the example above, Pamela moved from sadness<br />
to anger at her husband’s <strong>in</strong>ability to comfort her. Baird felt angry at himself that he didn’t<br />
know what to do. Then he retreated <strong>in</strong>to sadness. Both misunderstood the emotions of the<br />
other until they talked through their dilemma.<br />
Too little sadness expression leads to distorted emotional expression; too much sadness<br />
expression can burden others. One function of sadness is that people experienc<strong>in</strong>g<br />
sadness are more likely than others to attempt to change their situation by cognitive<br />
reappraisal (“I don’t th<strong>in</strong>k he meant to hurt me <strong>in</strong> the way he did; he was busy and<br />
distracted”) or by apologiz<strong>in</strong>g or listen<strong>in</strong>g to music or do<strong>in</strong>g other activities to change<br />
their mood. Women have been found to be more skillful at emotion regulation <strong>in</strong> general<br />
(Rivers et al. 2007). This gender-skill difference br<strong>in</strong>gs many challenges to heterosexual<br />
couple relationships. Same-sex relationships with women often benefi t from<br />
both partners be<strong>in</strong>g will<strong>in</strong>g to deal with sadness <strong>in</strong> conversation. More depends on personality<br />
than gender, however. Some female couples experience the same challenges as<br />
opposite-sex relationships.
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 207<br />
Disgust, Contempt, and Revulsion<br />
Disgust, contempt, and revulsion are emotions that move to expel someth<strong>in</strong>g noxious or<br />
repulsive. In an adaptive sense, it makes sense to th<strong>in</strong>k that humans who learned to “spit<br />
out” or expel bad food or water were more likely to survive. In <strong>in</strong>terpersonal communication,<br />
we may be try<strong>in</strong>g to “get rid of ” someth<strong>in</strong>g (someone) repulsive when we use disda<strong>in</strong>,<br />
contempt, condescension, and demean<strong>in</strong>g comments. We explored earlier <strong>in</strong> the book<br />
how damag<strong>in</strong>g contempt is <strong>in</strong> <strong>in</strong>timate relationships. Disgust is one of those emotions to<br />
feel, refl ect upon, and not communicate about until we understand and process the raw<br />
emotion. Revulsion and disgust both break relationship connections on the emotional<br />
level. Yet, disgust and revulsion might serve a positive function, as the follow<strong>in</strong>g examples<br />
shows. Krist<strong>in</strong> was a new bank employee. She was be<strong>in</strong>g mentored by a senior banker, a<br />
man with a very strong, dom<strong>in</strong>at<strong>in</strong>g personality. In one session, Mark, the senior executive,<br />
was upset with Krist<strong>in</strong>’s handl<strong>in</strong>g of a client. He said, “We’re just about done here.<br />
I don’t have time to sit around all day and keep tell<strong>in</strong>g you how to cultivate clients like<br />
this who have a lot of money. You’re not gett<strong>in</strong>g it. I’ll give you one more chance. Watch<br />
me more closely next time.” Krist<strong>in</strong> felt angry, hurt, belittled, threatened—and also noticed<br />
when she left Mark’s offi ce that she felt nauseated. Her revulsion led her to question<br />
whether she wanted to cont<strong>in</strong>ue under Mark’s verbally abusive mentor<strong>in</strong>g. She asked her<br />
senior manager to assign her to someone else. Gottman’s research (1993, 1994) po<strong>in</strong>ts out<br />
the cascade effect that often goes <strong>in</strong>to motion when disgust and contempt are expressed.<br />
We referred to “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” <strong>in</strong> <strong>Chapter</strong> 2 . Gottman found that<br />
couples headed for divorce exhibit this pattern: “compla<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>g and criticiz<strong>in</strong>g, which leads<br />
to contempt, which leads to defensiveness, which leads to . . . withdrawal from <strong>in</strong>teraction<br />
(stonewall<strong>in</strong>g)” (110).<br />
Contempt expressed is like po<strong>in</strong>t<strong>in</strong>g a loaded gun at someone, pull<strong>in</strong>g the trigger, and<br />
then be<strong>in</strong>g surprised when they fall over (or the relationship is killed.) Worse, sometimes<br />
contempt is used consciously as a weapon to weaken the other person and ga<strong>in</strong> power <strong>in</strong> a<br />
relationship. It’s a good idea to get out of contemptuous relationships.<br />
Shame, Guilt, and Regret<br />
Shame and guilt play an important role <strong>in</strong> regulat<strong>in</strong>g confl ict. When people break social norms,<br />
and receive formal or <strong>in</strong>formal social sanctions (“How could you have done that?”) they<br />
may be feel<strong>in</strong>g shame, guilt, embarrassment, regret, or remorse (Nugier et al. 2007). When<br />
you act <strong>in</strong> a way that is <strong>in</strong>compatible with your own standards, your ideal self, or your own<br />
sociocultural values, you may feel these uncomfortable emotions (Frijda 1986; Fisher and<br />
Shapiro 2005).<br />
Shame acts as a force for social cohesion. We try to avoid shameful situations because<br />
we lose face, lose self-esteem, and generally feel miserable (Izard and Ackerman 2000,<br />
260). Shame may also be present <strong>in</strong> fear and anxiety. “Sham<strong>in</strong>g” others usually leads to<br />
defensiveness, and works poorly as a confl ict resolution tactic. When we recognize that<br />
others feel shame or embarrassment, we can further the cause of good confl ict management<br />
by rema<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>g gentle and considerate. Shame hurts.<br />
People experience guilt when they perceive that they have <strong>in</strong>jured, unjustly hurt, or<br />
failed to help someone (Guerrero and LaValley 2006, 79.) We are referr<strong>in</strong>g to guilt that<br />
comes when people actually do or do not do th<strong>in</strong>gs they value. Some people feel guilt all<br />
the time, but that feel<strong>in</strong>g is more ak<strong>in</strong> to shame (about who one is as a person.) Real guilt
208 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
comes from real actions or lack of actions. Mak<strong>in</strong>g amends, as the 12-step programs require,<br />
helps. Mak<strong>in</strong>g amends means express<strong>in</strong>g that you are aware of the harm you caused<br />
and that you take responsibility for it. Mak<strong>in</strong>g amends, a form of repair, restores connections<br />
and restores self-esteem for all parties. The feel<strong>in</strong>g of guilt is so unpleasant for most<br />
people that if they can avoid their “run and hide” impulse, and move toward the <strong>in</strong>jured<br />
party, the guilty person will feel a lot better.<br />
Regret can also serve a helpful role <strong>in</strong> confl ict resolution. Pa<strong>in</strong>ful regret can push<br />
one to action rather than leave you mired <strong>in</strong> a sense of sorrow, self-pity, or helplessness<br />
(Buechler 2008). You can undoubtedly remember times of pa<strong>in</strong>ful regret, when someth<strong>in</strong>g<br />
you did could not be undone, but haunted you with feel<strong>in</strong>gs of regret. Regret can heal<br />
relationships when we atone for mistakes and when we learn from the past situation how<br />
to manage our lives differently <strong>in</strong> the future. One example might be a situation <strong>in</strong> which<br />
you neglect an important friendship. When your friend <strong>in</strong>quires, “Is someth<strong>in</strong>g wrong?<br />
Did I do someth<strong>in</strong>g to offend you?” this <strong>in</strong>quiry might well move you to take action if you<br />
value the friendship. You can <strong>in</strong>vite your friend to do someth<strong>in</strong>g, make her a priority, set<br />
aside time, and restore connections between you. Regret ignored can turn <strong>in</strong>to self-pity<br />
(“I never seem to get it right”), which does no one any good.<br />
Functions of Positive <strong>Emotions</strong><br />
Many times we do not th<strong>in</strong>k of positive emotions <strong>in</strong> relation to the effective management<br />
of confl ict. Several decades of research, especially the ideas of Seligman when he was<br />
president of the American Psychological Association, Isen (1987), Frederickson (2003),<br />
Fisher and Shapiro (2005), Socha (2008), and Shapiro (2011) po<strong>in</strong>t out the creative value<br />
of positive emotions.<br />
Joy, Love, and Laughter<br />
Joy, love and laughter may have had a helpful adaptive role <strong>in</strong> human development. For<br />
<strong>in</strong>stance, altruistic <strong>in</strong>dividuals were more likely to “tend and befriend,” and therefore survive<br />
catastrophes. Positive emotions broaden an <strong>in</strong>dividual’s m<strong>in</strong>dset, allow<strong>in</strong>g one to<br />
“broaden and build.” Whether <strong>in</strong> the lab or <strong>in</strong> everyday life, when people feel positive emotions<br />
such as <strong>in</strong>terest, joy, altruism, hope, sympathy, and empathy, they are more likely to<br />
th<strong>in</strong>k creatively. When people feel good they are more likely to <strong>in</strong>tegrate new ideas, be<br />
fl exible, and rema<strong>in</strong> open to <strong>in</strong>formation (Fredrickson 2003). As we have noted, when<br />
people feel safe, they are able to grasp the opportunities of confl ict.<br />
Some organizations use these ideas for team build<strong>in</strong>g. When colleagues are able to<br />
play together, they are more likely to clarify their life priorities, strengthen social ties,<br />
and build skills to express love and care. In work-related confl icts, colleagues are more<br />
likely to choose cooperative modes of confl ict resolution when they like each other and<br />
have shared positive emotional experiences (DeSilvilya and Yagil 2005). When students<br />
were asked to th<strong>in</strong>k of positive mean<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> their daily lives, at the end of a month they<br />
scored higher on psychological resilience than those who focused on some neutral task<br />
(Fredrickson 2003). Interest and joy <strong>in</strong> play <strong>in</strong>teracts with affi liation (Izard and Ackerman<br />
2000). Rituals such as eat<strong>in</strong>g and play<strong>in</strong>g games help people engage their feel<strong>in</strong>gs rather<br />
than just their cognitive abilities (Maiese 2006). Eat<strong>in</strong>g a meal together helps people relax<br />
and th<strong>in</strong>k of their opponents as people who want to solve problems. Many cultures signal<br />
the end of hostilities by hav<strong>in</strong>g a meal together, giv<strong>in</strong>g gifts, and shar<strong>in</strong>g greet<strong>in</strong>gs and
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 209<br />
apologies. Nonhostile jok<strong>in</strong>g helps people see each other as friendly others rather than enemies<br />
(Maiese 2006). Positive feel<strong>in</strong>gs (<strong>in</strong>duced by watch<strong>in</strong>g positive-emotion fi lms) help<br />
boost broadened th<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g, and vice versa (Fedrickson and Jo<strong>in</strong>er 2002).<br />
Community confl ict resolution and transformation create a “positive spiral” <strong>in</strong> an<br />
important way—people who give help can feel proud of their good deeds, and people<br />
who receive help often feel grateful. Even people who simply witness good deeds can feel<br />
elevated and more joyful (Fredrickson 2003).<br />
Happ<strong>in</strong>ess, Serenity, and Contentment<br />
Happ<strong>in</strong>ess, serenity, and contentment contribute greatly to resolv<strong>in</strong>g confl icts. When you<br />
approach a problem with <strong>in</strong>terest and a positive attitude, you communicate these feel<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
to others <strong>in</strong>volved, and they, too, are motivated to work with you (Deci 1992; Izard and<br />
Ackerman 2000). Serenity might be expla<strong>in</strong>ed as a k<strong>in</strong>d of balance and equanimity; whatever<br />
happens <strong>in</strong> a confl ict, the relationship will be preserved, along with an <strong>in</strong>dividual’s<br />
sense of self. Positive emotions lead to empathy and sympathy. Throughout the fi rst part of<br />
this book we emphasized the importance of tak<strong>in</strong>g the other’s perspective while hold<strong>in</strong>g<br />
fast to your own thoughts and feel<strong>in</strong>gs. When we assume that others want essentially what<br />
we want, we can jo<strong>in</strong> with them to solve problems <strong>in</strong>stead of see<strong>in</strong>g the other person as<br />
the problem. Effective confl ict resolution draws on feel<strong>in</strong>gs about and for the other person,<br />
and for oneself.<br />
Core Concerns: Organiz<strong>in</strong>g Positive <strong>Emotions</strong><br />
Researchers at the Harvard Negotiation Project have pioneered the <strong>in</strong>clusion of emotion<br />
<strong>in</strong> confl ict resolution, especially negotiation. (See the website to ga<strong>in</strong> a comprehensive<br />
overview of their research over the past three decades.) Recently, the concept of Core<br />
Concerns helps organize their many good ideas about creative negotiat<strong>in</strong>g and confl ict<br />
resolution (Fisher and Shapiro 2005; Shapiro 2011). The Core Concerns Framework<br />
provides a system for deal<strong>in</strong>g with the emotional dimension of confl ict resolution. In the<br />
middle of a confl ict, we fi nd it diffi cult to remember all our communication skills, the<br />
best pr<strong>in</strong>ciples, how to use positive emotions, avoid negative emotional triggers, and <strong>in</strong>effective<br />
practices. Students of confl ict can use a simple-to-remember set of core concerns<br />
that will serve as a lens through which to view conflict and a lever to stimulate <strong>in</strong>tegrative<br />
approaches. These concerns, similar to the <strong>in</strong>terests and goals explored <strong>in</strong> <strong>Chapter</strong> 3 , are<br />
• Appreciation (recognition of value)<br />
• Autonomy (freedom to feel, th<strong>in</strong>k, take action, or decide)<br />
• Affi liation (emotional connection to others)<br />
• Status (stand<strong>in</strong>g compared to others)<br />
• Role (effectiveness and mean<strong>in</strong>gfulness of job label, designation of the person, and<br />
recognition) (Adapted from Shapiro 2011).<br />
These motives appear to be hardwired <strong>in</strong>to the motivational needs of people. They<br />
are moderated by different cultures and different neurobiology and personal background. If<br />
you memorize them and practice us<strong>in</strong>g the pr<strong>in</strong>ciples, you will lay the foundation for your<br />
own “best practices <strong>in</strong> confl ict resolution” approach.
210 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
nThe Mid-Range: Zone of Effectiveness<br />
Confl icts that are worked out <strong>in</strong> the mid-range of the level of <strong>in</strong>tensity are more effectively<br />
resolved than those that are left unexpressed or are handled with unrestra<strong>in</strong>ed emotion.<br />
See Figure 6.3 for a graphic depiction of regulated confl ict. Aristotle wrote about the<br />
Golden Mean and the Buddha preached about the Middle Way. Low productivity occurs<br />
when <strong>in</strong>terpersonal confl icts are either not identifi ed (but the emotions leak out anyway)<br />
or when people <strong>in</strong>dulge <strong>in</strong> unrestra<strong>in</strong>ed emotion (thus lead<strong>in</strong>g others to fi ght or fl ee). A<br />
lack of regulation <strong>in</strong> personal confl icts damages the process. For <strong>in</strong>stance, a divorc<strong>in</strong>g couple,<br />
attempt<strong>in</strong>g to share the custody of their two children, were close to agreement when<br />
the wife exploded <strong>in</strong> a mediation session, say<strong>in</strong>g, “He’s selfi sh! He always was and always<br />
will be!” Her unregulated outburst ru<strong>in</strong>ed the chance for collaboration on their problem.<br />
Regardless of the specifi c content, after an episode has passed, the other person will<br />
recall what you said and did dur<strong>in</strong>g the confl ict. People have long memories for bad treatment.<br />
Even if you feel perfectly justifi ed for blow<strong>in</strong>g up, your “bad behavior” will rema<strong>in</strong> <strong>in</strong><br />
memory even if the confl ict outcome works out reasonably well. You may lose a relationship<br />
while try<strong>in</strong>g to solve a problem.<br />
Vent<strong>in</strong>g does noth<strong>in</strong>g to help the confl ict process. Vent<strong>in</strong>g (or avoid<strong>in</strong>g) does not rema<strong>in</strong><br />
your only option for expression. If you feel the need to vent, do it with a safe friend, a<br />
counselor, or designated third party—not the confl ict partner with whom you are attempt<strong>in</strong>g<br />
to work. Vent<strong>in</strong>g can feel wonderful for a while—but the price is usually too high to<br />
warrant the “Yes!” feel<strong>in</strong>g of tell<strong>in</strong>g the other person off.<br />
Unth<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g avoidance of a confl ict—pretend<strong>in</strong>g you don’t have strong feel<strong>in</strong>gs when<br />
you do—will ultimately fail. Your feel<strong>in</strong>gs will come through, and the problem will rema<strong>in</strong><br />
Figure 6.3<br />
Cont<strong>in</strong>uum of Confl ict Intensity<br />
High<br />
Potential for<br />
productiveness<br />
Low<br />
Low<br />
Unexpressed<br />
conflict<br />
Regulated<br />
conflict<br />
<strong>Conflict</strong> <strong>in</strong>tensity<br />
High<br />
Unrestra<strong>in</strong>ed<br />
conflict
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 211<br />
unresolved. L<strong>in</strong>es from a poem by William Stafford challenge us to be clear and “wake up”<br />
with honest and direct communication:<br />
If you don’t know the k<strong>in</strong>d of person I am<br />
and I don’t know the k<strong>in</strong>d of person you are<br />
a pattern that others made may prevail <strong>in</strong> the world<br />
and follow<strong>in</strong>g the wrong god home we may miss our star.<br />
For it is important that awake people be awake,<br />
or a break<strong>in</strong>g l<strong>in</strong>e may discourage them back to sleep;<br />
The signals we give—yes or no, or maybe—<br />
should be clear: the darkness around us is deep.<br />
William Stafford, from “A Ritual to Read to Each Other”<br />
Moderated emotions <strong>in</strong> confl ict br<strong>in</strong>g many advantages. The escalatory spiral will be<br />
halted, you will learn someth<strong>in</strong>g with self-restra<strong>in</strong>t, and you will be able to be more<br />
creative <strong>in</strong> your options when you don’t create a bitter enemy. You will not take actions,<br />
such as revenge, that you would later regret or have to justify (Yoshimura 2007).<br />
Restra<strong>in</strong>t of your emotions, but not suppression, allows trust to build when trust has<br />
broken down.<br />
First Steps: Learn to Be a Warrior of the Heart<br />
How do we learn to manage the raw emotions that make up confl ict? As Welwood (1990)<br />
writes <strong>in</strong> his helpful book on love and relationships, we try to manage our lives so we<br />
avoid “raw” feel<strong>in</strong>gs, but <strong>in</strong> fact we are human partly because we feel so deeply. He refers<br />
to feel<strong>in</strong>gs as “raw” because we feel tender and vulnerable, but also because our emotions,<br />
at the beg<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>g of a confl ict, are “uncooked.” They have not been processed. When we<br />
approach confl ict as a “warrior of the heart,” we draw on some of the metaphors from<br />
earlier <strong>in</strong> the book. Confl ict is a dance, or is like martial arts, and is like stepp<strong>in</strong>g along an<br />
unfamiliar path. S<strong>in</strong>ce we cannot avoid confl ict, we can learn to move skillfully. No more<br />
positive metaphor exists for all that is good <strong>in</strong> confl ict than the heart. When <strong>in</strong> danger, we<br />
may rem<strong>in</strong>d ourselves not to lose heart. You might be described by your friends as a person<br />
hav<strong>in</strong>g a heart of gold, or be<strong>in</strong>g warm-hearted. The heart is viewed as fi lled with positive<br />
emotions and feel<strong>in</strong>gs (Reeves 2010). Hearts can also be cold or hard. We have the option<br />
to choose to soften and open our hearts to others with compassion, and to ourselves as<br />
worthy of good treatment.<br />
Start<strong>in</strong>g out on the diffi cult path of work<strong>in</strong>g with strong emotions, you will fi nd these<br />
ideas helpful. Awareness is “by far the most essential, powerful resource we have for effect<strong>in</strong>g<br />
change and work<strong>in</strong>g with life’s challenges” (Risk<strong>in</strong> 2010; Welwood 1990, 23).<br />
Awareness draws not on “know<strong>in</strong>g about someth<strong>in</strong>g,” but on clarity. We are clear when we<br />
can use all our senses to tell what is actually happen<strong>in</strong>g, when we can move with fl uidity,<br />
as though we are a zoom lens that can move <strong>in</strong> and out to change perspective. When we<br />
stay clear and fl uid, we can stay stable <strong>in</strong>stead of be<strong>in</strong>g blown around or thrown off our<br />
path. We can cultivate m<strong>in</strong>dfulness of others’ needs as well as our own; becom<strong>in</strong>g less selfcentered<br />
builds bridges <strong>in</strong>stead of walls. When a person is m<strong>in</strong>dful or refl ective, <strong>in</strong>stead of<br />
reactive, that person will become more aware of the ways he fi lters <strong>in</strong>com<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong>formation.<br />
She becomes aware of her biases and distortions, say<strong>in</strong>g, “Hmm, I usually misperceive very
212 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
talkative, confi dent men. I’d better listen more carefully.” She knows herself and her distorted<br />
lens, which enables her to correct her lens, at least some of the time.<br />
Another requirement is to rema<strong>in</strong> compassionate toward ourselves and others.<br />
Compassion makes us strong and expanded as confl ict managers, s<strong>in</strong>ce when we are compassionate<br />
we make space for our own feel<strong>in</strong>gs and the feel<strong>in</strong>gs of others. Mak<strong>in</strong>g space is<br />
like stepp<strong>in</strong>g out of the fl ames (of emotion), but rather than runn<strong>in</strong>g from the fi re, we sit<br />
“next to it,” look <strong>in</strong>to the fi re, and refl ect on what is hurt<strong>in</strong>g. We have freedom to th<strong>in</strong>k,<br />
feel, move, and choose actions (Welwood 1990, 24). Calm refl ection leads to compassion.<br />
Often, <strong>in</strong>stead, when strong emotions toss us around, we feel so miserable or anxious<br />
or furious or scared that we beg<strong>in</strong> to tell ourselves stories. These stories become bad mental<br />
habits that lead us to take shortcuts to action/reaction <strong>in</strong>stead of th<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g and feel<strong>in</strong>g our<br />
way along a new path <strong>in</strong> a confl ict. These “stories” become dramas that we believe are<br />
true, as was the case for Pamela and Baird as they told themselves stories about each other<br />
regard<strong>in</strong>g Pamela’s grief and Baird’s response. Stories fi lter what we are able to th<strong>in</strong>k and<br />
feel. As we listen and tell our confl ict narratives with an ear to the underly<strong>in</strong>g emotion, we<br />
receive <strong>in</strong>valuable <strong>in</strong>formation about what our own and the other’s core concerns really<br />
are. When we notice a shift <strong>in</strong> emotion, we can usually fi gure out why and how the confl ict<br />
became <strong>in</strong>tractable or reached impasse (Early and Early 2010).<br />
F<strong>in</strong>ally, the “warrior of the heart” needs courage. Courage is ord<strong>in</strong>arily depicted as<br />
a characteristic of “the lone, separate person who defi es vulnerability and fear” (Jordan<br />
2008). Jordan, one of the pioneers of the Relational-Cultural Model of therapy, founds her<br />
ideas, as does Welwood, on a different model of courage. Courage derives from the Lat<strong>in</strong><br />
root cor mean<strong>in</strong>g heart, “the seat of feel<strong>in</strong>g, thought” (Jordan 2008). Courage <strong>in</strong>volves<br />
br<strong>in</strong>g<strong>in</strong>g even pa<strong>in</strong>ful truths <strong>in</strong>to a relationship. It often <strong>in</strong>volves courage to come <strong>in</strong>to<br />
confl ict. We have thoroughly explored the lures of both avoidance and escalation. Courage<br />
of the heart and feel<strong>in</strong>gs <strong>in</strong>volves fi nd<strong>in</strong>g the truth with awareness, resist<strong>in</strong>g the tried<br />
and true stories that propel us to act <strong>in</strong> habituated ways, and the true bravery required to<br />
act <strong>in</strong> an honest and compassionate manner.<br />
Jordan suggests that we redefi ne vulnerability as an emotion and position that requires<br />
courage. Vulnerability <strong>in</strong>dicates “we are open to the <strong>in</strong>fl uence of others at the same time<br />
that we are open to our need for others” (Jordan 2008, 213). In a dom<strong>in</strong>ant, power-over<br />
culture, we are not safe when vulnerable. In a connected, relational culture, we can be<br />
moved by our feel<strong>in</strong>gs, express them with care, and cont<strong>in</strong>ue to resolve our differences.<br />
We will practice some of the “fi rst steps” ideas for deal<strong>in</strong>g with feel<strong>in</strong>gs by study<strong>in</strong>g the<br />
follow<strong>in</strong>g case and apply<strong>in</strong>g the ideas we’ve just discussed.<br />
Case 6.2<br />
It’s Not Yours to Loan!<br />
Jackie and Tom are a married couple. They both work <strong>in</strong> real estate, Jackie <strong>in</strong> mortgage<br />
f<strong>in</strong>anc<strong>in</strong>g and Tom <strong>in</strong> sales. Tom’s grandmother died and left each of her five grown<br />
grandchildren $100,000. Jackie and Tom were amazed and pleased. As they talked,<br />
they agreed to put the money <strong>in</strong>to a money market account until the real estate market<br />
settled down, at which time they would make a down payment on their next home. Both<br />
(cont<strong>in</strong>ued)
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 213<br />
Case 6.2<br />
It’s Not Yours to Loan!<br />
Tom and Jackie like the duplex they bought when they married. They can afford the<br />
current mortgage because one side of the duplex is rented. They feel no hurry to buy<br />
someth<strong>in</strong>g larger, although they are quite crowded, especially s<strong>in</strong>ce the value of their<br />
duplex has dropped. In a recent appraisal, they were disappo<strong>in</strong>ted at how the duplex<br />
had lost value.<br />
Half a year went by. Jackie usually managed the money, pay<strong>in</strong>g bills out of a jo<strong>in</strong>t<br />
check<strong>in</strong>g account to which both contribute. One day Tom was at the bank and as he<br />
made a deposit, noticed that the money market account was down by about $50,000.<br />
In alarm, he asked the teller to track down the activity on the account. What he found<br />
shocked him. Jackie had taken $50,000 out three months before, then had made small<br />
deposits back <strong>in</strong>to the account s<strong>in</strong>ce then. He rushed home and confronted her. After<br />
a long, escalat<strong>in</strong>g fight <strong>in</strong> which Jackie was first evasive, then defensive, and Tom was<br />
accus<strong>in</strong>g and unbeliev<strong>in</strong>g, Jackie confessed what had happened. Her parents had gotten<br />
themselves <strong>in</strong>to trouble with credit card debt. Jackie arranged to loan them $50,000<br />
with their promise and assurance that they would quickly pay her back. But Jackie’s<br />
mother needed an unexpected operation. Her parents had made no payments back to<br />
Jackie. Jackie, panicked, tried to replenish the account but knew she could never do it<br />
on her salary. Here is part of their first conflict episode:<br />
Tom: I cannot believe you would deceive me and do someth<strong>in</strong>g so dangerous,<br />
dishonest, and selfish. What about our plans? You had absolutely no right to<br />
touch that money without talk<strong>in</strong>g to me. ( Notice harsh start-up.)<br />
Jackie: I feel terrible. But my parents had a good plan for pay<strong>in</strong>g us back. It’s not their<br />
fault that Mom had to have surgery. Have a heart, Tom. (She is not tak<strong>in</strong>g his<br />
outrage seriously.)<br />
Tom: They needed help for their credit card problems and stupid debts. I might<br />
have wanted to help, but you didn’t ask. Now I can’t trust you. You are not the<br />
woman I thought you were—you are a sneak and I will never be able to trust<br />
you aga<strong>in</strong>. ( Now he is us<strong>in</strong>g damag<strong>in</strong>g label<strong>in</strong>g).<br />
Jackie: F<strong>in</strong>e!!! I’ll put every cent of my salary <strong>in</strong> the fund and you can tell my parents<br />
that you wouldn’t help them. I’ll tell them how selfish you are. What daughter<br />
wouldn’t want to help her parents when they had gotten <strong>in</strong> trouble because<br />
of terrible jobs and a s<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g economy? We had the money, and they didn’t.<br />
They’ll pay us back. I had no idea you were so heartless. (She’s threaten<strong>in</strong>g<br />
and attack<strong>in</strong>g his character.)<br />
Tom: And I had no idea you were so gullible and deceitful! There’s no earthly way<br />
your parents could have paid us back, even without your Mom’s operation. You<br />
care more about them than our plans. (More label<strong>in</strong>g and attack<strong>in</strong>g, this time,<br />
of her parents.)<br />
Jackie: And you apparently care more about money than love and help<strong>in</strong>g out.<br />
(Character assass<strong>in</strong>ation!)<br />
(cont<strong>in</strong>ued)
214 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
Case 6.2<br />
It’s Not Yours to Loan!<br />
Us<strong>in</strong>g Welwood, Risk<strong>in</strong>, and Jordan’s ideas from above, let’s see what awareness, flexibility,<br />
m<strong>in</strong>dfulness, compassion, and vulnerability might sound like. A counselor asked each of<br />
them to reflect on the storm of emotion they were feel<strong>in</strong>g before they talked with each other<br />
about the conflict aga<strong>in</strong>. They each wrote <strong>in</strong> a journal as they reflected.<br />
Jackie: I can see from the look on Tom’s face and hear <strong>in</strong> his voice that he is<br />
shocked and dismayed. It’s extremely pa<strong>in</strong>ful to me to know that I betrayed<br />
his trust. I wish I had talked to him and told him about my parents’ need. I<br />
was afraid that he would say no, and I believed that with a bonus com<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong><br />
at Dad’s bus<strong>in</strong>ess, they would be able to pay us back. Well, I see that I was<br />
not th<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g. I just wanted to help and I felt guilty hav<strong>in</strong>g the money and not<br />
help<strong>in</strong>g them. I want to let Tom know that our values are different. In my<br />
culture, you help people <strong>in</strong> your family who are <strong>in</strong> need, period. But I hated<br />
feel<strong>in</strong>g scared all the time and I’m actually glad Tom found out. I don’t know<br />
what to do.<br />
Tom: I feel awful about blow<strong>in</strong>g up at Jackie the way I did. I humiliated her. And<br />
yet I felt so shocked and scared that she took my money without tell<strong>in</strong>g me.<br />
More than that, I realize that I don’t like or trust her parents. I am furious that<br />
they manipulated her, the way they have done before with kids <strong>in</strong> the family.<br />
Jackie’s right, <strong>in</strong> a way. I do feel ungenerous with them. Her dad’s an alcoholic<br />
and her mom works way too hard. Her dad expects people to take care of him.<br />
I th<strong>in</strong>k her mom put all those charges on the credit cards because he feels<br />
entitled to whatever he wants. I feel sorry for her mom. I’m still angry at Jackie,<br />
but I have seen for years how her parents take advantage of their kids. But I<br />
can’t talk to Jackie about that—she’d be really hurt. And now we are furious<br />
with each other. But under all that, I feel scared and sad. It’s not really the<br />
money; it’s the trust issue. And I can imag<strong>in</strong>e someth<strong>in</strong>g like this happen<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong><br />
the future.<br />
Tom and Jackie are on their way to becom<strong>in</strong>g “warriors of the heart.” They are tell<strong>in</strong>g the<br />
truth to themselves, which will enable them to tell the truth to each other, and solve their<br />
problems. With help, they can tackle the trust issues, rebuild their bond with each other,<br />
make agreements about hear<strong>in</strong>g what the other needs to say, no matter what, and repair<br />
the rupture <strong>in</strong> their relationship.<br />
Before the counselor asked them to reflect <strong>in</strong> their journals, and then talk with each<br />
other aga<strong>in</strong>, Tom and Jackie had begun to tell themselves stories, make predictions, and<br />
believe these predictions. If they had listed their “stories,” or automatic thoughts , they<br />
would have been follow<strong>in</strong>g “hot thoughts.” Wires that carry electricity are called “hot<br />
wires.” Similarly, the automatic thoughts that are most connected to strong feel<strong>in</strong>gs are<br />
called “hot” thoughts. These thoughts conduct the emotional charge, so these are the<br />
thoughts that are important to identify, exam<strong>in</strong>e, and sometimes alter to change our feel<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
(adapted from Greenberg and Padesky 1995).
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 215<br />
Case 6.3<br />
Strong <strong>Emotions</strong> and<br />
Automatic Thoughts<br />
Write down a situation that you are experienc<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> the present or immediate past about<br />
which you have strong emotions, like Tom and Jackie did. Then write down the automatic<br />
thoughts (the hot ones) that lead from your emotional situation. Some questions that might<br />
help you discover your automatic stories are these:<br />
• What was go<strong>in</strong>g through my m<strong>in</strong>d just before I started to feel this way?<br />
• What am I afraid might happen?<br />
• What is the worst th<strong>in</strong>g that could happen if it is true?<br />
• What does this mean about how the other person(s) feels and th<strong>in</strong>ks about me?<br />
• What images or memories do I have <strong>in</strong> this situation? (from Greenberger and Padesky<br />
1995, 51).<br />
Here is another example of a situation full of feel<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
Case 6.4<br />
You Voted for Who?<br />
You have just discovered that your fiancé has voted the opposite ticket from you <strong>in</strong> the<br />
general election. You have both argued over this; you cannot believe that he/she feels so<br />
differently. You fiancé rem<strong>in</strong>ds you that you share a lot of values <strong>in</strong> common, but you are<br />
disbeliev<strong>in</strong>g and shocked. Automatic thoughts:<br />
If we are so different on someth<strong>in</strong>g as important as who is president, what will this<br />
mean for our future together?<br />
I am ashamed to tell my family how s/he voted.<br />
I never saw myself as be<strong>in</strong>g married to someone so different from me.<br />
Is there more about him/her that I don’t know? How can I f<strong>in</strong>d out?<br />
Is this marriage right for me?<br />
Us<strong>in</strong>g awareness to ga<strong>in</strong> clarity, to build <strong>in</strong> space to reflect, to stop oneself from tell<strong>in</strong>g<br />
stories, and to rema<strong>in</strong> gentle with oneself and others is a key tool for work<strong>in</strong>g with feel<strong>in</strong>gs.<br />
Feel<strong>in</strong>gs are facts, but with attention and care, we can work with our feel<strong>in</strong>gs and still be<br />
honest and be ourselves.<br />
The follow<strong>in</strong>g additional techniques will help you work with strong emotion.<br />
Express Anger Responsibly<br />
Anger can be relationally lethal if you express it with contempt, disgust, exaggeration,<br />
sham<strong>in</strong>g, and other mixtures of strong negative feel<strong>in</strong>gs. Anger can be expressed <strong>in</strong> a way
216 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
that is clear, calm, fi rm, respectful, honest, and compassionate. This way of speak<strong>in</strong>g works<br />
well as you express any strong emotion.<br />
Mace (1987) suggests the follow<strong>in</strong>g guidel<strong>in</strong>es for responsible expression of anger :<br />
1. Verbally state the anger. Just as one says, “I am hungry,” say, “I am angry.”<br />
2. Dist<strong>in</strong>guish between vent<strong>in</strong>g and acknowledg<strong>in</strong>g anger.<br />
3. Agree that you will never attack each other <strong>in</strong> a state of anger.<br />
4. Work to fi nd the stimulus for the anger. It won’t go away just because it is expressed.<br />
Mace (1987) summarizes his approach (for use with <strong>in</strong>timate partners) as follows: “I fi nd<br />
myself gett<strong>in</strong>g angry with you. But you know I am pledged not to attack you, which would<br />
only make you angry too, and alienate us. What I need is your help to get beh<strong>in</strong>d my anger<br />
to what really is caus<strong>in</strong>g it, so that we can do someth<strong>in</strong>g about it together.” The response<br />
to this is, “I don’t like your be<strong>in</strong>g angry with me, but I don’t blame you for it. And s<strong>in</strong>ce<br />
I know you won’t attack me, I needn’t put up my defenses and get angry with you <strong>in</strong> turn.<br />
I appreciate your <strong>in</strong>vitation to help you get through to the underly<strong>in</strong>g cause of your anger,<br />
because I care about our relationship, and it should help both of us to fi nd out what is<br />
really happen<strong>in</strong>g to us” (97). When you practice this approach to communicat<strong>in</strong>g anger,<br />
you will fi nd it doesn’t seem strange. The rewards for this k<strong>in</strong>d of expression will help you<br />
keep us<strong>in</strong>g the approach.<br />
Use the X-Y-Z Formula for Clarity<br />
Often, fi nd<strong>in</strong>g the right words to communicate anger is diffi cult. The X-Y-Z formula will<br />
help one express any diffi cult emotion. Here are its components:<br />
• When you do X<br />
• In situation Y<br />
• I feel Z<br />
An adm<strong>in</strong>istrative assistant might say, “When you <strong>in</strong>terrupt me (X) when I am on the<br />
phone (Y), I feel rattled and belittled (Z).” Her response, tak<strong>in</strong>g responsibility for feel<strong>in</strong>g<br />
upset yet lett<strong>in</strong>g the other person know what produced her feel<strong>in</strong>gs, is more likely to result<br />
<strong>in</strong> a constructive solution than if she had said, “I don’t get any respect around here!”<br />
Another way to use the X-Y-Z format is this:<br />
• When you do X <strong>in</strong> this specifi c situation<br />
• I feel Y<br />
• What I want <strong>in</strong>stead is Z<br />
The second format <strong>in</strong>corporates a request <strong>in</strong>to the sequence. Both are helpful tools to<br />
learn.<br />
The X-Y-Z skill has the advantage of clarify<strong>in</strong>g the issue of concern for the recipient<br />
of strong emotion and urg<strong>in</strong>g the sender to take responsibility for his or her<br />
emotional reaction. The fi rst format is helpful when the situation needs exploration.<br />
Requests for change will come later. In the second format, the request is lodged <strong>in</strong> a<br />
specifi c, descriptive form so that the recipient might reduce defensiveness and respond<br />
appropriately.
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 217<br />
Actively Listen to Emotional Communication<br />
As you listen to someone you care about express a negative emotion, you experience a natural<br />
tendency to experience your own fear and then to respond defensively, as <strong>in</strong>, “I only<br />
<strong>in</strong>terrupt you when it is important to the company—get off my case.” Remember, however,<br />
that when someone is upset with you, he or she needs to express that feel<strong>in</strong>g or the feel<strong>in</strong>g<br />
will turn <strong>in</strong>to resentment, despair, sadness, or some other emotion. You can’t “argue” or<br />
“reason” someone out of any feel<strong>in</strong>g. When you say, “You shouldn’t feel disappo<strong>in</strong>ted/angry/<br />
sad,” this <strong>in</strong>junction may <strong>in</strong>crease, not decrease, the emotion. The other person may feel<br />
frustrated and misunderstood because you are devalu<strong>in</strong>g the other’s real feel<strong>in</strong>gs. You don’t<br />
have to agree with feel<strong>in</strong>gs to listen respectfully.<br />
Case 6.5<br />
Roommate to Roommate<br />
Here is an example of respectful listen<strong>in</strong>g to someone who is upset. Your roommate has just<br />
said:<br />
When you leave your clothes on the floor (X) and I have people <strong>in</strong> after my night<br />
class (Y), I feel embarrassed (Z).<br />
Recipient: So my clothes on the floor really get you mad? (reflection—not perfect,<br />
because the roommate said “embarrassed,” but it’s good enough.)<br />
Then you might ask one of these questions and make one of the statements:<br />
1. Does it make you mad all the time or just if people are com<strong>in</strong>g over?<br />
2. Is this a big deal that bothers you a lot, or is it a m<strong>in</strong>or irritation, or somewhere <strong>in</strong><br />
between?<br />
3. Let’s both come up with some ideas. I’ll bet we’ll figure someth<strong>in</strong>g out<br />
4. It’s important to me that we give and take because I like hav<strong>in</strong>g you as a roommate.<br />
Protect Yourself from Verbal Abuse<br />
When another’s expression of anger, rage, or contempt burns out of control, you have a<br />
responsibility to protect yourself. Listen<strong>in</strong>g to belittl<strong>in</strong>g; hostile blame; ridicule; demean<strong>in</strong>g<br />
or untrue accusations; sarcastic name-call<strong>in</strong>g; contempt; or actual physical threats is<br />
not good confl ict management. The other person should be told, fi rmly and consistently,<br />
“I won’t listen to this k<strong>in</strong>d of talk. I can’t hear anyth<strong>in</strong>g important you’re try<strong>in</strong>g to say<br />
when you’re demean<strong>in</strong>g me.” Then you can leave or hang up the phone, giv<strong>in</strong>g the other<br />
person a chance to cool off. You can say, “Wait!” or “Stop!” <strong>in</strong> a fi rm voice. Never try to<br />
argue with a person who is engaged <strong>in</strong> verbal abuse. (It’s like argu<strong>in</strong>g with an alcoholic—<br />
noth<strong>in</strong>g heal<strong>in</strong>g can happen until the person is not dr<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g.) But just as you would move<br />
to stop the abuse of a child, you have the responsibility to stop verbal abuse <strong>in</strong> a confl ict,<br />
if you possibly can.<br />
Verbal abuse leads to escalation or withdrawal, h<strong>in</strong>ders confl ict resolution, and lowers<br />
the dignity and self-esteem of all parties. Productive reception of someone’s anger may not<br />
be possible until boundaries are reset and conversation takes a more constructive tone. You<br />
can raise your voice (without shout<strong>in</strong>g) and speak <strong>in</strong> a fi rm, no-nonsense tone. Of course,
218 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
as a student of confl ict resolution, you possess skills that will make it unnecessary for you<br />
to ever use verbal abuse!<br />
Confl ict is not always polite, but constructive confl ict is never abusive or violent.<br />
When you know you are overpowered, or cannot stop the verbal abuse from another,<br />
leave. You may need help from friends or professionals to do so. You are never responsible<br />
for someone else’s verbal abuse, as long as you are us<strong>in</strong>g reasonably constructive<br />
communication.<br />
Use Fractionation<br />
The essential confl ict reduction tactic known as fractionat<strong>in</strong>g is an idea developed by<br />
Follett (1940) and later called “fractionation” by Fisher (1971). Fractionation reduces the<br />
<strong>in</strong>tensity of emotion <strong>in</strong> confl icts by focus<strong>in</strong>g attention on the siz<strong>in</strong>g of disputes. Confl icts<br />
can be broken down from one big mass <strong>in</strong>to several smaller, more manageable confl icts.<br />
Fractionat<strong>in</strong>g conflict does not make it disappear, of course; it simply makes the components<br />
of large conflicts more approachable by parties who are try<strong>in</strong>g to manage their<br />
disputes. Confl icts “do not have objective edges established by external events” (158).<br />
Rather, confl icts are like a seamless web, with <strong>in</strong>dist<strong>in</strong>guishable beg<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>gs and end<strong>in</strong>gs.<br />
Choices are almost always available as to how to size, and therefore manage, confl icts.<br />
When you choose to “downsize” a confl ict, you probably also downsize the big emotion.<br />
This simple idea is one of the most useful confl ict management tactics. Almost all confl icts<br />
can be made smaller without be<strong>in</strong>g trivialized. Smaller confl icts carry less strong emotion.<br />
Rather than say<strong>in</strong>g, “I can see we will never solve the problem of where we want to spend<br />
our vacations and I feel completely discouraged,” you could say, “I propose we work on this<br />
Spr<strong>in</strong>g break vacation, come to agreement, and then return to what we do <strong>in</strong> the future<br />
after we have a good time.”<br />
Use Positive Language to Work with Strong Emotion<br />
As we discussed earlier <strong>in</strong> this chapter, positive emotions help people broaden their<br />
th<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g, refl ect, and build on <strong>in</strong>tegrative ideas. You can adopt the “contribution system”<br />
(essentially, each person acknowledges that he or she contributes someth<strong>in</strong>g to the<br />
problem, rather than blam<strong>in</strong>g the other person). Fisher and Shapiro’s ideas from Beyond<br />
Reason: Us<strong>in</strong>g <strong>Emotions</strong> as You Negotiate (2005) will change your language from negative<br />
language to positive language. Study Diffi cult Conversations for excellent language that<br />
leads to moderated emotion (Stone, Patton, and Heen 1999). Express appreciation and all<br />
the core concerns, use “we” language, <strong>in</strong>volve people <strong>in</strong> decisions that affect them (which<br />
reduces defensiveness), and show respect by ask<strong>in</strong>g for op<strong>in</strong>ions and advice from others.<br />
(For more resources from the Harvard Project on Negotiation, go to www.beyond-reason<br />
.net .) We also recommend Marshall Rosenberg’s <strong>in</strong>fl uential book Speak Peace <strong>in</strong> a World of<br />
Confl ict (2005), another resource full of the language of peaceful communication.<br />
nPersonal Responsibility for Emotional Transformation<br />
As we have explored, emotions naturally aris<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> confl ict often “feel bad.” Peacemak<strong>in</strong>g<br />
is a crucial stress reduction mechanism for people (Aureli and Smucny 2000). In fact,<br />
“post-confl ict anxiety and reconciliation may function as part of the human homeostatic<br />
mechanism, which regulates and stabilizes relationships between former opponents”<br />
(Butovskaya 2008, 1557).
<strong>Chapter</strong> 6 <strong>Emotions</strong> <strong>in</strong> Confl ict 219<br />
As we th<strong>in</strong>k about change, we often try to change the other. This “change the other”<br />
attempt usually yields little that is constructive. Sometimes we can change the situation. F<strong>in</strong>ally,<br />
we can deeply <strong>in</strong>fl uence, from the <strong>in</strong>side out, only ourselves. Change <strong>in</strong> your <strong>in</strong>terior<br />
communication or thoughts changes the entire system. This is especially true as we work<br />
with our own emotions, tak<strong>in</strong>g responsibility for how we feel. No longer can we accurately<br />
say, “I couldn’t help it. He pushed all my buttons.” With refl ection, we know where our<br />
buttons are, how to manage our actions, and how to ga<strong>in</strong> enough space to th<strong>in</strong>k while feel<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
Bould<strong>in</strong>g (1989) calls this the watershed pr<strong>in</strong>ciple, based on where water fl ows along<br />
the Cont<strong>in</strong>ental Divide. On one side, water fl ows toward the Atlantic, yet just a few feet<br />
farther away, it fl ows toward the Pacifi c. Very small changes can produce enormous effects.<br />
Similarly, <strong>in</strong> confl ict <strong>in</strong>teractions, small personal changes reverberate throughout the entire<br />
system and br<strong>in</strong>g results that are much larger than you would ever imag<strong>in</strong>e.<br />
Because self-change <strong>in</strong> a confl ict is diffi cult, it usually requires prerequisites. If you<br />
are go<strong>in</strong>g to alter your own emotionally based behavior rather than assert that your feel<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
and actions are only “natural” or “only <strong>in</strong> response to what she did,” you have to care<br />
about the relationship. If the relationship is of no consequence to you, then you feel little<br />
impetus to change. The essential po<strong>in</strong>t is that you are not wait<strong>in</strong>g for the other to change<br />
fi rst—someone has to “step up to the plate.”<br />
In conclusion, work<strong>in</strong>g with strong emotions by understand<strong>in</strong>g them, refl ect<strong>in</strong>g,<br />
choos<strong>in</strong>g actions <strong>in</strong>stead of reactions, and learn<strong>in</strong>g to express yourself precisely when you<br />
are feel<strong>in</strong>g strongly—all this personal growth and responsibility leads to better confl ict<br />
resolution. Radical self-responsibility means we take seriously our own possibilities for<br />
<strong>in</strong>fus<strong>in</strong>g hope and positive change <strong>in</strong>to the world. This is a life-long work <strong>in</strong> progress.<br />
Out beyond the ideas of right do<strong>in</strong>g and wrong do<strong>in</strong>g,<br />
There is a fi eld.<br />
I’ll meet you there.<br />
Jelaludd<strong>in</strong> Rumi<br />
nSummary<br />
<strong>Emotions</strong> are states of feel<strong>in</strong>g that arise naturally<br />
dur<strong>in</strong>g confl ict. Dur<strong>in</strong>g confl ict a natural tension of<br />
opposite occurs—to soften or harden. Attachment<br />
theory is an emotion-regulat<strong>in</strong>g system, focus<strong>in</strong>g on<br />
safety and danger; we recommend <strong>in</strong>creas<strong>in</strong>g safety<br />
and connection so confl ict resolution approaches<br />
can actually be used. We described a circumplex<br />
model of emotion, which presents and organizes<br />
a theory of emotions. We described feel<strong>in</strong>gs and<br />
how they fi t <strong>in</strong>to the model. Enough strong feel<strong>in</strong>g<br />
is required to engage and collaborate <strong>in</strong> confl ict—<br />
strong feel<strong>in</strong>g can be used for positive purposes.<br />
We noted that emotional <strong>in</strong>tensity varies and one<br />
should not predict a confl ict’s trajectory based on the<br />
fi rst level of <strong>in</strong>tensity. People experience emotions<br />
as good or bad, and relationships are defi ned by the<br />
k<strong>in</strong>d of emotion that is expressed.<br />
<strong>Emotions</strong> serve a variety of functions, and negative<br />
emotions such as anger can serve as a wake-up<br />
call. The popular notion that you can get rid of emotions<br />
by express<strong>in</strong>g them (the catharsis view) is not<br />
accurate. The anger-fear cycle details what is underneath<br />
feel<strong>in</strong>gs of anger. Other emotions such as<br />
sadness and depression can alert us to trouble <strong>in</strong> the
220 Part 2 Special Applications<br />
relationship. We also note that <strong>in</strong> general, men fi nd<br />
it easier to express anger while women fi nd it easier<br />
to express sadness. We provide a long list of “feel<strong>in</strong>g<br />
words” to help identify some emotional states that<br />
occur <strong>in</strong> confl ict. The functions of positive emotions<br />
and their role <strong>in</strong> confl ict resolution are described.<br />
Core Concerns provide a framework for remember<strong>in</strong>g<br />
<strong>in</strong>tegrative confl ict approaches.<br />
You have a better chance of productive confl ict<br />
if you neither deny nor blow up—rather, express<br />
whatever feel<strong>in</strong>gs you have <strong>in</strong> the mid-range. We<br />
note that awareness, fl exibility, compassion, and<br />
vulnerability are ways to express strong emotions<br />
for a positive result. Learn<strong>in</strong>g how to catch your<br />
automatic thoughts, express anger responsibly, and<br />
take personal responsibility for your own emotional<br />
transformation yields big payoffs for manag<strong>in</strong>g confl<br />
ict productively.<br />
nKey Terms<br />
Use the text’s Onl<strong>in</strong>e Learn<strong>in</strong>g Center at www.mhhe.com/hocker9e<br />
to further your understand<strong>in</strong>g of the follow<strong>in</strong>g term<strong>in</strong>ology.<br />
emotions 190<br />
states of feel<strong>in</strong>g 190<br />
feel<strong>in</strong>g words 196<br />
anger-fear sequence 203<br />
vulnerability 203<br />
nReview Questions<br />
gender differences 206<br />
Core Concerns Framework 209<br />
mid-range 210<br />
warrior of the heart 211<br />
awareness 211<br />
compassion 212<br />
automatic thoughts 214<br />
responsible expression of<br />
anger 216<br />
X-Y-Z formula 216<br />
Go to the self-quizzes on the Onl<strong>in</strong>e Learn<strong>in</strong>g Center at www.mhhe.com/hocker9e<br />
to test your knowledge of the chapter concepts.<br />
1. Defi ne emotions.<br />
2. What is the tension of opposites that occurs<br />
with emotions and confl ict?<br />
3. Describe the ma<strong>in</strong> function of emotions <strong>in</strong><br />
engag<strong>in</strong>g confl ict resolution activities.<br />
4. How are feel<strong>in</strong>gs and emotions related?<br />
5. List some common misconceptions about<br />
emotions.<br />
6. How do these misconceptions h<strong>in</strong>der effective<br />
confl ict resolution?<br />
7. How do negative emotions serve us <strong>in</strong> conflicts?<br />
8. What is the anger-fear sequence?<br />
9. How do sadness, disgust, and shame and guilt<br />
<strong>in</strong>fl uence confl ict parties?<br />
10. What are “feel<strong>in</strong>g words”? What makes the<br />
study of feel<strong>in</strong>g words useful?<br />
11. Expla<strong>in</strong> the adaptive theory of emotions<br />
applied to negative and positive emotions.<br />
12. Why would one want to be <strong>in</strong> the mid-range<br />
of emotional expression? What happens when<br />
you express more extreme emotions?<br />
13. What does it mean to become a “warrior of the<br />
heart”?<br />
14. What are automatic thoughts and how are they<br />
connected to emotions?<br />
15. List ways to express anger productively.<br />
16. Why would you want to change yourself rather<br />
than others?<br />
17. What are some of the reasons change is<br />
diffi cult?<br />
18. Expla<strong>in</strong> self-responsibility <strong>in</strong> relation to<br />
emotional understand<strong>in</strong>g and regulation.