Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most
by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher
ISBN: 014028852X
Paperback
Stone, Patton and Bruce have written a very useful and critical work on the dynamics
of all conversations - the ones we’ve had and regret; the ones we don’t have, because
they seem too risky; and the ones we need to have to enhance our personal and
professional relationships. They argue that there are three categories of
conversations, which encompass every aspect of what transpires in our daily
exchanges.
The authors, associated with Harvard Law School and the Harvard Project on
Negotiation, show how such dialogues actually comprise three separate components:
the "what happened" conversation (verbalizing what we believe really was said and
done), the "feelings" conversation (communicating and acknowledging each party's
emotional impact), and the "identity" conversation (expressing the situation's
underlying personal meaning).
We can become more skilled and efficient in our conversations, if we begin to check
our often flawed assumptions about what happened, how we’re feeling and how our
self-perceptions impact our understanding of what others say. Typically, we assume
we are right and others are wrong, we assume the intentions of others, we don’t treat
feelings as facts, and we associate our identities too closely with the contexts of
specific conflicts. To have productive difficult conversations, we need to change the
way we talk to ourselves and how we approach our communications with others.
In difficult conversations the participants generally fall trap to the three common
crippling assumptions which are:
• The Truth assumption : I am right you are wrong
• The Intention Invention : When the other persons intentions are unclear a
common perception is that they are bad
• The Blame Frame : Blame the other produces disagreement, denial and little
learning
One can’t help wondering, however, if the only people reading this book are already
self-actualized or so well on their way that they are, in fact, the best communicators
among us. The authors failed to address the lingering doubt left with the critical,
reflective reader: that most difficult conversations are the fruits of difficult people,
who, unless they read this book, have little capacity or motivation to be anything but
difficult. In any case, Difficult Conversations is mostly devoted to explaining and
analyzing the three conversations and how one can use these categories to have more
productive exchanges. The book has many useful graphic organizers, including a
checklist and a roadmap for engaging in difficult conversations.
In effect, Stone and his colleagues argue that we must shift from a perspective of
"knowing" to "learning". Meaningful conversations can take place when we don’t
permit our assumptions to rule the moment, rather when we take control by being
curious, open, and self-aware. To find out what happened, we need to explore each
other’s stories, separate intent from impact, abandon the blame framework, and to
consider all conflicts as a system ("the contribution system"), to which every party
has contributed in some way. They argue that the blame framework is a clue that
feelings are playing a significant role in a conflict. Feelings often get translated into
judgements, attributions, characterizations, or solutions.

The key to managing feelings is to treat them as facts by acknowledging them, and
considering how they are part of the problem and exploring them fully. All too often
our feelings emerge from the sense that our identity is somehow at stake. Most of us frame
our identities around one or all of three core themes: competence, virtue, or worthiness.
When we feel any of these is questioned, we revert to fight or flight. We can best
manage the identity issue by understanding ourselves as complex, by knowing we
make mistakes, by acknowledging that our intentions are not simple, and by
recognizing that all parties contribute to problems. The "learning" must begin within
ourselves before we can understand issues or problems with others.
We can affect our own conversational "learning" by engaging in "the third story"
conversation, which requires us to consider how a third party would describe and
analyze the situation. This sets up a process of internal dialogue, which is necessary
to check our own perceptions, feelings, and interests. Further, the authors encourage
listening from the inside out, speaking for yourself, and taking the initiative. While
the book combines theory, examples, and description, it is also a very handy guide to
improving ones communication style in the workplace or at home