Thinking About Divorce? Think again - Continuing Education ...

Thinking About Divorce? Think again
Lorie D. Fowlke, JD
This address was given at the BYU Families
Under Fire Conference, October 2–3, 2006.
© 2006 by Brigham Young University,
Division of Continuing Education
All Rights Reserved.
For further information write:
Conferences and Workshops
136 Harman Continuing Education Building
Provo, UT 84602
(801) 422-3559
E-mail: cw136@byu.edu
Home page: http://familiesunderfire.byu.edu

Lorie D. Fowlke, JD

Three Challenges of Divorce
1. Financial––Burning Through Your Assets
2. Emotional––Pain Does Not Stay Home
3. Social––The Myth of Being Free

1. Burning through your assets

Money lost during the process
of divorce
• Race for control of assets
• Attorney’s fees and court costs
• Temporary support
• Maintain debts

Breaking one household into two
• Dishes, kitchenware, beds, dressers
• Children’s toys, clothes, furniture
• Two mortgages (or rent)

Financial impact after divorce
• Debts do not disappear.
• Banks don’t care.
• Credit scores drop.
• Resources limited: no
more volunteers, lessons,
extracurricular activities.

Lee Lavaki

According to a 2003 Utah State study, divorce costs
Americans $33 BILLION dollars annually or $312 per
household. The average divorce in America costs the state
and federal governments $30 million in direct and indirect
costs. It costs a couple an average of $18,000 to complete
a divorce, which includes lost work productivity, relocation
costs, and legal fees.

2. Pain does not stay home.

Personal pain leading to divorce
• Pain leading to divorce often goes on for years.
• Often involves conflict that impacts self-esteem.
• Both “leaver” and “left” have pain.

Pain of the divorce process
• Resources are wasted.
• System frustration––court rarely
provides satisfaction.
• Aftermath can create resentment,
bitterness, guilt, anger.

Children’s pain––“Is it my fault?”
• Children feel guilty.
• Children do not want to take sides.
• Children never give up (almost always want
parents back together).

Jennifer Salero

Dear Judge: Kids’ Letters to the Judge
Dear Judge:
I want you to undivorce my Mom and Dad. It is not
working out for me.
Sincerely,
Debbie B.
Dear Judge:
Please don’t make me choose.
William

Effects on children
Children in single-parent families are twice as
likely to develop serious psychiatric illnesses and
addictions later in life (The Lancet [Medical Journal],
January 2003).
As of 1997, one million children are involved in a
divorce annually (according to DivorceMagazine.com).

3. The Myth of being free

Unrealistic expectations––
what are they?
• I’ll be free of my spouse.
• Conflict will be over.
• Now I can do what I want.

Children connect you forever
• They want you there: birthdays,
recitals, ball games, graduation,
weddings.
• Holidays are split = Christmas or
Thanksgiving alone.
• Access to grandchildren may be
limited.

Vicki Walston

Dating with baggage
• When do you let children and
date meet?
• Children sabotage new
relationships.
• Second families increase
complications exponentially––
new spouse, step-children,
new spouse’s ex-spouse, at
least three sets of
grandparents.

While 50 percent of marriages end in divorce,
60 percent of REMARRIAGES end in divorce.
The marital status with the highest suicide rate
is divorced, as opposed to married, single, or
widowed.

* Sixty-four percent of unhappily married
couples who stayed married reported
themselves as happy five years later.
* Only 19 percent of unhappily married
couples who divorced and remarried
reported themselves as happy five years
later.

Solve the problems before the
divorce; otherwise, you are
just changing gloves without
washing your hands.

There is HOPE . . . answers exist!
• Healthy Dispute Resolution––Learn to
resolve conflict in healthy ways.
• Other-Centered––Live at the highest.
level of the three levels of
relationships.
• Positive Communication––Use and
learn positive communication skills.
• Enjoy your life––Take responsibility––
make the choice!

Lorie D. Fowlke, JD