Lilith

Lilith Lilith

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"Father," I cried, "where is she? Where are the dead? Is the great resurrection come and gone? The terror of my loneliness was upon me; I could not sleep without my dead; I ran from the desolate chamber. −−Whither shall I go to find them?" "You mistake, my son," he answered, in a voice whose very breath was consolation. "You are still in the chamber of death, still upon your couch, asleep and dreaming, with the dead around you." "Alas! when I but dream how am I to know it? The dream best dreamed is the likest to the waking truth!" "When you are quite dead, you will dream no false dream. The soul that is true can generate nothing that is not true, neither can the false enter it." "But, sir," I faltered, "how am I to distinguish betwixt the true and the false where both alike seem real?" "Do you not understand?" he returned, with a smile that might have slain all the sorrows of all his children. "You CANNOT perfectly distinguish between the true and the false while you are not yet quite dead; neither indeed will you when you are quite dead−−that is, quite alive, for then the false will never present itself. At this moment, believe me, you are on your bed in the house of death." "I am trying hard to believe you, father. I do indeed believe you, although I can neither see nor feel the truth of what you say." "You are not to blame that you cannot. And because even in a dream you believe me, I will help you.−−Put forth your left hand open, and close it gently: it will clasp the hand of your Lona, who lies asleep where you lie dreaming you are awake." I put forth my hand: it closed on the hand of Lona, firm and soft and deathless. "But, father," I cried, "she is warm!" "Your hand is as warm to hers. Cold is a thing unknown in our country. Neither she nor you are yet in the fields of home, but each to each is alive and warm and healthful." Then my heart was glad. But immediately supervened a sharp−stinging doubt. "Father," I said, "forgive me, but how am I to know surely that this also is not a part of the lovely dream in which I am now walking with thyself?" "Thou doubtest because thou lovest the truth. Some would willingly believe life but a phantasm, if only it might for ever afford them a world of pleasant dreams: thou art not of such! Be content for a while not to know surely. The hour will come, and that ere long, when, being true, thou shalt behold the very truth, and doubt will be for ever dead. Scarce, then, wilt thou be able to recall the features of the phantom. Thou wilt then know that which thou canst not now dream. Thou hast not yet looked the Truth in the face, hast as yet at best but seen him through a cloud. That which thou seest not, and never didst see save in a glass darkly−−that which, indeed, never can be known save by its innate splendour shining straight into pure eyes−−that thou canst not but doubt, and art blameless in doubting until thou seest it face to face, when thou wilt no longer be able to doubt it. But to him who has once seen even a shadow only of the truth, and, even but hoping he has seen it when it is present no longer, tries to obey it−−to him the real vision, the Truth himself, will come, and depart no more, but abide with him for ever." "I think I see, father," I said; "I think I understand." Lilith Lilith 150

"Then remember, and recall. Trials yet await thee, heavy, of a nature thou knowest not now. Remember the things thou hast seen. Truly thou knowest not those things, but thou knowest what they have seemed, what they have meant to thee! Remember also the things thou shalt yet see. Truth is all in all; and the truth of things lies, at once hid and revealed, in their seeming." "How can that be, father?" I said, and raised my eyes with the question; for I had been listening with downbent head, aware of nothing but the voice of Adam. He was gone; in my ears was nought but the sounding silence of the swift−flowing waters. I stretched forth my hands to find him, but no answering touch met their seeking. I was alone−−alone in the land of dreams! To myself I seemed wide awake, but I believed I was in a dream, because he had told me so. Even in a dream, however, the dreamer must do something! he cannot sit down and refuse to stir until the dream grow weary of him and depart: I took up my wandering, and went on. Many channels I crossed, and came to a wider space of rock; there, dreaming I was weary, I laid myself down, and longed to be awake. I was about to rise and resume my journey, when I discovered that I lay beside a pit in the rock, whose mouth was like that of a grave. It was deep and dark; I could see no bottom. Now in the dreams of my childhood I had found that a fall invariably woke me, and would, therefore, when desiring to discontinue a dream, seek some eminence whence to cast myself down that I might wake: with one glance at the peaceful heavens, and one at the rushing waters, I rolled myself over the edge of the pit. For a moment consciousness left me. When it returned, I stood in the garret of my own house, in the little wooden chamber of the cowl and the mirror. Lilith Unspeakable despair, hopelessness blank and dreary, invaded me with the knowledge: between me and my Lona lay an abyss impassable! stretched a distance no chain could measure! Space and Time and Mode of Being, as with walls of adamant unscalable, impenetrable, shut me in from that gulf! True, it might yet be in my power to pass again through the door of light, and journey back to the chamber of the dead; and if so, I was parted from that chamber only by a wide heath, and by the pale, starry night betwixt me and the sun, which alone could open for me the mirror−door, and was now far away on the other side of the world! but an immeasurably wider gulf sank between us in this−−that she was asleep and I was awake! that I was no longer worthy to share with her that sleep, and could no longer hope to awake from it with her! For truly I was much to blame: I had fled from my dream! The dream was not of my making, any more than was my life: I ought to have seen it to the end! and in fleeing from it, I had left the holy sleep itself behind me!−−I would go back to Adam, tell him the truth, and bow to his decree! I crept to my chamber, threw myself on my bed, and passed a dreamless night. I rose, and listlessly sought the library. On the way I met no one; the house seemed dead. I sat down with a book to await the noontide: not a sentence could I understand! The mutilated manuscript offered itself from the masked door: the sight of it sickened me; what to me was the princess with her devilry! I rose and looked out of a window. It was a brilliant morning. With a great rush the fountain shot high, and fell roaring back. The sun sat in its feathery top. Not a bird sang, not a creature was to be seen. Raven nor librarian came near me. The world was dead about me. I took another book, sat down again, and went on waiting. Lilith 151

"Then remember, and recall. Trials yet await thee, heavy, of a nature thou knowest not now. Remember the<br />

things thou hast seen. Truly thou knowest not those things, but thou knowest what they have seemed, what<br />

they have meant to thee! Remember also the things thou shalt yet see. Truth is all in all; and the truth of<br />

things lies, at once hid and revealed, in their seeming."<br />

"How can that be, father?" I said, and raised my eyes with the question; for I had been listening with<br />

downbent head, aware of nothing but the voice of Adam.<br />

He was gone; in my ears was nought but the sounding silence of the swift−flowing waters. I stretched forth<br />

my hands to find him, but no answering touch met their seeking. I was alone−−alone in the land of dreams!<br />

To myself I seemed wide awake, but I believed I was in a dream, because he had told me so.<br />

Even in a dream, however, the dreamer must do something! he cannot sit down and refuse to stir until the<br />

dream grow weary of him and depart: I took up my wandering, and went on.<br />

Many channels I crossed, and came to a wider space of rock; there, dreaming I was weary, I laid myself<br />

down, and longed to be awake.<br />

I was about to rise and resume my journey, when I discovered that I lay beside a pit in the rock, whose mouth<br />

was like that of a grave. It was deep and dark; I could see no bottom.<br />

Now in the dreams of my childhood I had found that a fall invariably woke me, and would, therefore, when<br />

desiring to discontinue a dream, seek some eminence whence to cast myself down that I might wake: with<br />

one glance at the peaceful heavens, and one at the rushing waters, I rolled myself over the edge of the pit.<br />

For a moment consciousness left me. When it returned, I stood in the garret of my own house, in the little<br />

wooden chamber of the cowl and the mirror.<br />

<strong>Lilith</strong><br />

Unspeakable despair, hopelessness blank and dreary, invaded me with the knowledge: between me and my<br />

Lona lay an abyss impassable! stretched a distance no chain could measure! Space and Time and Mode of<br />

Being, as with walls of adamant unscalable, impenetrable, shut me in from that gulf! True, it might yet be in<br />

my power to pass again through the door of light, and journey back to the chamber of the dead; and if so, I<br />

was parted from that chamber only by a wide heath, and by the pale, starry night betwixt me and the sun,<br />

which alone could open for me the mirror−door, and was now far away on the other side of the world! but an<br />

immeasurably wider gulf sank between us in this−−that she was asleep and I was awake! that I was no longer<br />

worthy to share with her that sleep, and could no longer hope to awake from it with her! For truly I was much<br />

to blame: I had fled from my dream! The dream was not of my making, any more than was my life: I ought to<br />

have seen it to the end! and in fleeing from it, I had left the holy sleep itself behind me!−−I would go back to<br />

Adam, tell him the truth, and bow to his decree!<br />

I crept to my chamber, threw myself on my bed, and passed a dreamless night.<br />

I rose, and listlessly sought the library. On the way I met no one; the house seemed dead. I sat down with a<br />

book to await the noontide: not a sentence could I understand! The mutilated manuscript offered itself from<br />

the masked door: the sight of it sickened me; what to me was the princess with her devilry!<br />

I rose and looked out of a window. It was a brilliant morning. With a great rush the fountain shot high, and<br />

fell roaring back. The sun sat in its feathery top. Not a bird sang, not a creature was to be seen. Raven nor<br />

librarian came near me. The world was dead about me. I took another book, sat down again, and went on<br />

waiting.<br />

<strong>Lilith</strong> 151

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