An outrageous parody - Contemporary Drama Service

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RANCE: OK! Now let’s meet the other member of your
tribe — Phil! (MELBA makes a face of disgust and sticks her
finger down her throat.)
PHIL: (Enters and is very shy. He’s shaking.) H-hi, R-ralph.
RANCE: That’s Rance, Phil.
MELBA: Look at that wimp! Why did you have to team me
up with that pathetic … whatever it is?
RANCE: Phil, are you … nervous?
PHIL: I-I’ve never been on T-TV before, Ralph.
RANCE: Rance! So, Phil, what do you do for a living?
PHIL: I’m on the p-police b-bomb squad, Ralph. I d-defuse
b-bombs. I have nerves of s-steel!
MELBA: Yeah, right! (Goes “boo” in PHIL’s face and PHIL
jumps.) Boo!
RANCE: Tell us you hobbies, Phil!
PHIL: I collect butterflies and defuse bombs. They make
excellent planters, Ralph — the defused bombs, I m-mean.
(Forces a nervous smile.)
MELBA: See?! He’s a wimp! (Yelling in PHIL’s face) You’re a
wimp, Philly! (PHIL tries hard to smile.)
RANCE: Now let’s meet the members of the Snake Tribe!
Sally and Jane!
SALLY: (Enters; she does a few tumbles and trips. JANE trips over
her.) I am not a klutz, Jane!
JANE: You just tripped! Mr. Artichoke, must I, a
professional ballet dancer, be teamed up with this …
this bourgeois clumsy … person??
SALLY: I’m just a little … disoriented. I’m in astronaut
training, you know. I guess I’ve spent a little too much
time in the centrifuge. But it’s worth it! I’m going to
Mars! (Applause)
JANE: Soon, I hope!
RANCE: (Forcing a laugh and trying to keep SALLY from beating
up JANE) Easy there, Sal! We’ll dispense with your
hobbies. We’re a little pressed for time. So let’s meet the
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