An outrageous parody - Contemporary Drama Service

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TIME: Prime time.
AT RISE: (We hear Australian bush music and a didjeridoo.
Sounds of the jungle fill the air now and then. RANCID
ARTICHOKE enters. He is dressed as a great white hunter and
carries a hand microphone and notes.)
RANCE: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and children
of all ages. And a special ga-day to all you survivors!
(Applause. Throughout the play very obvious canned/pre-
recorded applause is heard when we see the stage direction
“applause.”) Once again we’re at Camp Eat-A-Dead-Rat
and once more it’s time for The Survival Of The Fittest
Show where contestants compete furiously against
each other to see who will be the last man or woman
standing — and the ultimate survivor ! (Applause) As you
all know, that lucky survivor will win … hundreds of
dollars — and full medical coverage for any serious
injuries incurred during the show at The Survival Of
The Fittest Clinic of Cut-Rate Medicine, where every
HMO will always go, but not necessarily cover anything!
(Applause) The other contestants, that is, the losers, will
get a free can of insect repellent courtesy of The West
Nile Virus Anti-Mosquito Foundation! (Applause) As you
know, folks, I’m your host — Rancid Artichoke. but you
can call me Rancid — I mean Rance! OK! Let’s bring on
our contestants! (Each contestant enters separately as we
hear the canned applause.) On the Wombat Tribe we have
our first member — Melba! Tell us a little about
yourself, Melba!
MELBA: (Flexing her muscles) I’m an aerobics instructor for
the U. S. Marine Corp, Rance. (Salutes.) Semper Fi!
RANCE: And what are your hobbies, Melba?
MELBA: Well, Rance, when I’m not training big, strong,
manly hunks to kill, I enjoy mud wrestling, chainsaw
sculpting and contract bridge.
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