An outrageous parody - Contemporary Drama Service

The Survival of
the Fittest Show
An outrageous parody
of TV’s “reality” shows
by Robert Mauro
Meriwether Publishing Ltd.
Contemporary Drama Service
Box 7710 • Colorado Springs, CO 80933-
7710

CHARACTERS
RANCID ARTICHOKE
The Survival of the Fittest Show M.C.
MELBA
Wombat Tribe member
PHIL
Wombat Tribe member
SALLY
Snake Tribe member
JANE
Snake Tribe member
KATE
Eagle Tribe member
LANCE
Eagle Tribe member
DONNA
Lizard Tribe member
BIFF
Lizard Tribe member

PRODUCTION NOTES
Players: Five females; four males.
Playing Time: About thirty minutes.
Setting: On the backdrop is a glittery sign that says:
THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST SHOW
CAMP EAT-A-DEAD-RAT
There’s a kiddie pool Stage Left, a kiddie sandbox Stage Right, at
Center an exercise bike and a treadmill. A mural of the outback
on backdrop would help set the scene.
Costumes: Rance in white hunter/safari jacket and tan shorts.
He also wears boots and white pith helmet. Tribe members wear
shorts, T-shirts, leotards, sneakers, khaki pants, baseball caps,
sporty, casual, attractive clothes. Donna and Biff might be in allwhite
tennis outfits. Kate has one leg missing from her pants.
Kate and Melba change into camouflage costumes with word
“Staff” on back of shirt. Biff and Donna dress in silly swim suits
with scuba masks, swim fins, and life jackets with the word
“Titanic” on them.
Properties: Wireless hand microphone, stopwatch, notepaper,
colorful plastic kiddie beach pails, sifters and shovels, clipboard
with papers, lion tamers’ whips and chairs, pen, four badminton
rackets, shuttlecock, two stretchers, fake money.
Sound Effects: Australian bush music with didjeridoo; sounds
of jungle; obviously canned/pre-recorded applause.
Note: The pool need not have water in it, but does need a pail of
water in it to wet Donna and Biff’s hair and several buckets of
water, dry ice and ice cubes to create foreboding vapors. These
buckets should not be visible to audience.

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TIME: Prime time.
AT RISE: (We hear Australian bush music and a didjeridoo.
Sounds of the jungle fill the air now and then. RANCID
ARTICHOKE enters. He is dressed as a great white hunter and
carries a hand microphone and notes.)
RANCE: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and children
of all ages. And a special ga-day to all you survivors!
(Applause. Throughout the play very obvious canned/pre-
recorded applause is heard when we see the stage direction
“applause.”) Once again we’re at Camp Eat-A-Dead-Rat
and once more it’s time for The Survival Of The Fittest
Show where contestants compete furiously against
each other to see who will be the last man or woman
standing — and the ultimate survivor ! (Applause) As you
all know, that lucky survivor will win … hundreds of
dollars — and full medical coverage for any serious
injuries incurred during the show at The Survival Of
The Fittest Clinic of Cut-Rate Medicine, where every
HMO will always go, but not necessarily cover anything!
(Applause) The other contestants, that is, the losers, will
get a free can of insect repellent courtesy of The West
Nile Virus Anti-Mosquito Foundation! (Applause) As you
know, folks, I’m your host — Rancid Artichoke. but you
can call me Rancid — I mean Rance! OK! Let’s bring on
our contestants! (Each contestant enters separately as we
hear the canned applause.) On the Wombat Tribe we have
our first member — Melba! Tell us a little about
yourself, Melba!
MELBA: (Flexing her muscles) I’m an aerobics instructor for
the U. S. Marine Corp, Rance. (Salutes.) Semper Fi!
RANCE: And what are your hobbies, Melba?
MELBA: Well, Rance, when I’m not training big, strong,
manly hunks to kill, I enjoy mud wrestling, chainsaw
sculpting and contract bridge.
–1–

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RANCE: OK! Now let’s meet the other member of your
tribe — Phil! (MELBA makes a face of disgust and sticks her
finger down her throat.)
PHIL: (Enters and is very shy. He’s shaking.) H-hi, R-ralph.
RANCE: That’s Rance, Phil.
MELBA: Look at that wimp! Why did you have to team me
up with that pathetic … whatever it is?
RANCE: Phil, are you … nervous?
PHIL: I-I’ve never been on T-TV before, Ralph.
RANCE: Rance! So, Phil, what do you do for a living?
PHIL: I’m on the p-police b-bomb squad, Ralph. I d-defuse
b-bombs. I have nerves of s-steel!
MELBA: Yeah, right! (Goes “boo” in PHIL’s face and PHIL
jumps.) Boo!
RANCE: Tell us you hobbies, Phil!
PHIL: I collect butterflies and defuse bombs. They make
excellent planters, Ralph — the defused bombs, I m-mean.
(Forces a nervous smile.)
MELBA: See?! He’s a wimp! (Yelling in PHIL’s face) You’re a
wimp, Philly! (PHIL tries hard to smile.)
RANCE: Now let’s meet the members of the Snake Tribe!
Sally and Jane!
SALLY: (Enters; she does a few tumbles and trips. JANE trips over
her.) I am not a klutz, Jane!
JANE: You just tripped! Mr. Artichoke, must I, a
professional ballet dancer, be teamed up with this …
this bourgeois clumsy … person??
SALLY: I’m just a little … disoriented. I’m in astronaut
training, you know. I guess I’ve spent a little too much
time in the centrifuge. But it’s worth it! I’m going to
Mars! (Applause)
JANE: Soon, I hope!
RANCE: (Forcing a laugh and trying to keep SALLY from beating
up JANE) Easy there, Sal! We’ll dispense with your
hobbies. We’re a little pressed for time. So let’s meet the
–2–

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Eagle Tribe.
LANCE: (Enters in a panic, holding his finger, sucking on it too.)
Excuse me. But can someone tell me where the nearest
emergency room is?
RANCE: Lance! From the Eagle Tribe! Why do you want to
know where the nearest ER is?
LANCE: (Holds out his finger.) I have a boo-boo on my little
fingie!
KATE: (Runs out with long strip of cloth, has one leg of her pants
torn off.) Lance! I’ve just torn this from the leg of my
survival suit! And I know emergency first aid! I was
once a candy striper! And a Girl Scout! In fact, I have
my brain surgery merit badge! Let me help you, Lance!
LANCE: I hurt my little fingie, Kate!
KATE: I know! I know! Stay strong, Lance. Katie will fix
Lancy wittle boo-boo!
LANCE: I want my mommy!
MELBA: Oh, great! He’ll be the first to get eliminated!
(Pounds her fist into her palm.) I’ll see to that!
RANCE: Now that we have fixed Lance’s … widdle boo-boo,
let me introduce our final contestants — the Lizard
Tribe, Donna and Biff! (DONNA and BIFF enter. They are
real snobs.)
BIFF: (Looking around critically) Is this, I presume, The
Survival Of the Fittest Show, Pookie?
DONNA: (Looking around) Yes, Biffy Poo, darling. I do believe
it is. Does this mean we need to … sweat, sweetie pants?
BIFF: Oh, Donna, my little Pookie Poo, I do hope not! (To
RANCE) Rancid, will Pookie Poo and moi have to …
sweat?
RANCE: I’m not sure if people like you do actually sweat.
But you will all need to survive each of our grueling
challenges and terrible tasks.
BIFF: Will we have to eat … rodents?
DONNA: I only eat veggies!
–3–

Thank you for reading this
copyrighted free sample.
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or by phone or fax at:
Contemporary Drama Service
PO Box 7710
Colorado Springs, Colorado 80933-7710
Toll Free: 800-93PLAYS (937-5297)
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