� e Monthly Aspectarian

Can men and women really understand
each other? Sometimes it seems like the
wall between the sexes is impenetrable.
At my annual men’s retreat last
month, the difficulty understanding
women became a central theme. One
after another of the men shared his
challenges with his female partner.
During dinner on Saturday night, after
a very deep and vulnerable day for the
men, I was feeling the need to give
the group a break for the evening –
maybe do something lighter or more
entertaining. One of the men and I came
up with a funny skit. I would pretend
to be his wife (who I actually knew),
and he would try to understand and
communicate with me. We came up
with some pretty funny lines. Except
we had no idea what was really in store
for us!
The evening program began with
several of the men sharing their musical
talents. Then I introduced my idea. I
felt vulnerable, even though it was my
intention to keep it light. It was still a
risk for me. I found a feminine-looking
scarf to put around my head. The man
and I ran through our semi-rehearsed
skit, some of which was funny, and
some of it more serious.
When we were done, another man
raised his hand with a question for his
wife (me), “Do I snore?” I instantly
quipped back, “Only when you sleep.”
I fully expected these kinds of silly
questions but, without warning, the
mood shifted with another man’s words
to his wife, “I try so hard to protect you.
I do so much to make sure you feel safe.
Why aren’t we more connected?” He
T he Shared Heart
New Dimensions of Relationship
by Joyce and
Barry Vissell
“Men’s Difficulty Understanding
Women”
looked like he was on the verge of tears.
Although his real wife might not be
able to say this, I felt her answer and
compassionately spoke, “You’re so busy
being the strong one in our marriage,
you rarely give me a chance to protect
you. If you would only come to me for
help, or lean on my strength, it would
make me so happy. We would then be
so much closer.”
He started crying and spoke, “I never
realized that. I’ve been so vulnerable
here at this men’s retreat, but I don’t
show you this part of me. Thank you for
helping me understand.”
My intention of a light and whimsical
evening was turning into something
much more meaningful.
Another man spoke to his “wife:” “I see
how afraid you are. I just don’t know
how to help you with your fears…”
I interrupted him, feeling what his wife
would want to most say, “Rather than
focus so much on my fears which, I
admit, I maybe talk too much about, I
need to hear about your fears.”
Again, the message from the women
(and the woman in me): stop attributing
all the vulnerability to me. Be more
vulnerable yourself. Rather than trying
to fix me, which keeps me weak, let me
help you, which makes me strong.
He got it. And I found myself getting
more and more energized. I was really
getting into this special kind of roleplaying,
which was turning out to
be so much more than role-playing.
Even though the mood in the group
had turned very serious, all the men
were into it as well. Somehow Barry,
the workshop leader and the man, had
taken a back seat. In his place was
every man’s special woman. Even the
single men addressed questions to the
significant partners from their past.
The next man addressed a former
lover. “We had so much trouble
communicating. You would ask me a
deep question. I would start to ponder
the answer but before I could even start
to speak, you would ask me another
question. This would drive me crazy,
so I ended up wordless, and ultimately,
woman-less.”
I didn’t have to ponder long for an
answer. The woman in me spoke, “I,
like many women, am so clued in to my
feelings that they always seem to be on
the surface, easily accessed. I should
have given you more time to answer my
feeling-oriented questions. I see now
that it just took longer for you to get to
your feelings. Each time I got impatient
and asked another question, it drew
you back up to your head and you had
to start the process again. This was my
part. Your part was not stopping me to
give yourself the time. Instead, you just
got more silent. Maybe we would still
be together if we both understood this
dynamic…”
What I “planned” to last perhaps fifteen
minutes, ended up lasting one and a half
hours. Every man in the room got to
understand something important about
a woman in his life. We ended with a
little more music and then called it an
evening. Except I couldn’t sleep. For
the next few hours I was wide awake.
I had activated my inner woman,
my feminine side, and I actually had
some difficulty getting back to my
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