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Detour<br />
Crock Tales<br />
Goodnight, Seattle<br />
FRASIER<br />
SEASON ELEVEN PART 6
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Café Nervosa. Frasier enters happily.<br />
ROZ: Well, you're in a good mood. What's up?<br />
Detour<br />
FRASIER: Actually... no, I'd better not. Don't want to<br />
jinx it. Besides, the mark of a true gentleman is<br />
discretion.<br />
ROZ: Okay. Listen, about your dad's bachelor party...<br />
FRASIER: Charlotte and I spent the night together.<br />
ROZ: I thought she was seeing that super-hottie Frank.<br />
FRASIER: Dumped him, thank you.<br />
ROZ: For you? I mean, wow, way to go!<br />
FRASIER: Yes, I know. It's funny I should end up with<br />
my own matchmaker, isn't it?<br />
ROZ: Yeah, that Frank was the whole package. Those<br />
eyes, that chin, that body that wouldn't quit...<br />
FRASIER: Yes, well, it didn't have to quit, it was fired.<br />
Now, you were saying something about my dad's<br />
bachelor party?<br />
ROZ: Weren't you having a problem deciding on the<br />
entertainment? Well, there's this girl in my spin<br />
class, and she does it all <strong>–</strong> strips, lap dances, movies.<br />
FRASIER: Really? Would I be familiar with her work?<br />
ROZ: I don't know, have you seen “Grinding Nemo”?<br />
Anyway, I invited her over here so you could<br />
check her out. She's going to be here any second.<br />
Her name is Amber Licious.<br />
FRASIER: Really, well, I'm afraid I can't do it right now.<br />
I'm meeting Charlotte for coffee.<br />
ROZ: Well, you can tell her yourself. Hey, Amber!<br />
FRASIER: Hello, how do you do, Miss Licious? I'm<br />
terribly sorry, but I've got something scheduled, so<br />
I'll have to postpone our interview. Perhaps we<br />
could meet this evening at my place, around 7:00? I<br />
live at the Elliot Bay Towers.<br />
AMBER: Can we make it 7:30? I have to go re-dub some<br />
groans for “He-Biscuit.”<br />
FRASIER: Well, I'll see you then. Good.<br />
Charlotte enters the cafe wearing a business suit.<br />
FRASIER: Hi! I'm sorry I had to dash off this morning.<br />
CHARLOTTE: It's OK. I have to dash off myself right now. I<br />
have to catch a train to Portland in twenty minutes.<br />
I'm giving a talk to the Northwest Businesswoman's<br />
page 2
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Association. I'm sorry. It's a good speech. I gave it<br />
last year to the Midwest Businesswoman's<br />
Association. Anyway, I'll be back Sunday night. We<br />
can have dinner then. I really should catch a cab.<br />
FRASIER: Maybe I could just drive you to the station.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Oh, you don't have to do that.<br />
FRASIER: No, I'd like to. Besides, I've always been a<br />
sucker for that romantic movie-ending goodbye - a<br />
fog-shrouded train platform, a passionate kiss.<br />
CHARLOTTE: With a romantic dip.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, well, maybe I am, but there are damn<br />
few of us left.<br />
On the road in Frasier's car. Charlotte is deep in thought.<br />
FRASIER: So, I could make us a reservation for dinner<br />
on Sunday. I would suggest Cucina. Charlotte... you<br />
seem a little distracted. Is there something on<br />
your mind? Charlotte?<br />
CHARLOTTE: Look, I really don't want to get into this<br />
now. Why don't we talk about it Sunday night?<br />
FRASIER: Please. I can't wait till Sunday. My imagination<br />
will torture me.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Okay. I'm moving back to Chicago in three<br />
weeks. It's not you. I bought my old business back<br />
from my ex. I know I should have told you sooner,<br />
but it was never the right time. Are you okay?<br />
FRASIER: I had to blab to Roz. Are you sure?<br />
CHARLOTTE: This all happened before we got together.<br />
FRASIER: Well, let's look on the bright side. I mean,<br />
Chicago isn't that far away.<br />
CHARLOTTE: I don't want a long-distance relationship.<br />
And neither do you. You said so on your<br />
application.<br />
FRASIER: But, you know, we still have three weeks.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Don't be hurt, but if someone called your<br />
show and said, "I'm leaving town in three weeks.<br />
Should I get involved with someone?" what would<br />
you say?<br />
FRASIER: I'd say it was foolish to take the plunge and<br />
bring up feelings that must be dashed, and so<br />
forth. But what do I know? I'm not infallible.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Frasier... Son of a bitch!<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I'm sorry. My hand slipped.<br />
CHARLOTTE: No, no, it's my train! Damn it!<br />
page 3
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Oh, dear. All right, look, the next station isn't<br />
too far. I'll bet I can beat the train.<br />
Another train station. The train rushes by.<br />
FRASIER: Well. Round two to Amtrak. I could drive us to<br />
the next station?<br />
CHARLOTTE: All right, but, you do know you're going to<br />
have to drive a little faster. You do realize we got<br />
passed by a school bus and a prefab home.<br />
FRASIER: Point taken.<br />
CHARLOTTE: I really do appreciate this.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, it's all right. Didn't have anything else to<br />
do. Oh, dear. I've got to make a call. Could you hold<br />
the wheel, please? I just got this. It's a hands-free<br />
unit. It's, much, much safer.<br />
Cafe Nervosa, where Daphne and Niles are speaking.<br />
DAPHNE: Can't we just meet her? Everyone in Frasier's<br />
building raves about her, and I hear she's unhappy.<br />
NILES: I just hate the idea of poaching the Steingartens’<br />
nanny.<br />
DAPHNE: I seem to recall you poaching another<br />
man's fiancée once.<br />
NILES: Oh, Daphne, I was in college. I... oh, you mean...<br />
(cell phone rings) I'm sorry, I have to get this. Hello?<br />
FRASIER: Niles. Listen, you remember that idea we<br />
proposed about Dad's party? The entertainer. … No,<br />
no, the stripper. Well, I found one!<br />
NILES: Daphne's fine, thank you for asking! She's right<br />
here beside me.<br />
FRASIER: Niles, I'm supposed to interview her this<br />
evening at 7:30 at my place. I can't make it.<br />
Something came up. You'll have to do it for me.<br />
Niles, if you're worried about Dad being there, he's<br />
got a date with Ronee tonight.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Don't we want south?<br />
FRASIER: Listen, Niles, I know that you get nervous<br />
around fan dancers and their ilk, but you have got<br />
to conquer your fear... Thank you! I'll talk to you<br />
later. Goodbye.<br />
CHARLOTTE: South!<br />
FRASIER: What, I'm sorry? Oh, dear, you know, perhaps<br />
it would be best if you just said left or right. It's not<br />
like there's a compass in the car. Oh, well, I'll be<br />
damned.<br />
CHARLOTTE: What's that red light?<br />
page 4
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Oh, that. That's nothing to worry about. It's<br />
been on for months. I think there's something<br />
wrong with the bulb.<br />
The "door open" warning beeps.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Cell phones don't work here. Please tell me<br />
you know what's wrong with the car?<br />
FRASIER: Not a clue. I opened the hood as a mere<br />
formality.<br />
A country home. A rustic, pleasant woman opens the door.<br />
FRASIER: We're terribly sorry to bother you, but our car<br />
has broken down.<br />
SUE: Well, come on in out of that cold! My husband<br />
knows everything about cars. Harbin, these<br />
people's car broke down. Go take a look at it for<br />
them. Harbin! Well, just have a seat and have a cup<br />
of coffee and warm up. I'm Sue, by the way.<br />
FRASIER: Gosh, you seem to be preparing for some<br />
sort of party.<br />
SUE: Well, Harbin's mother passed away, so people<br />
will be coming over tomorrow.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. We should get<br />
out of your hair.<br />
SUE: Oh, no, please! The company will do us good. I<br />
mean, Harbin really perked up when you came in.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Really? He seems to be crying in our car.<br />
SUE: Excuse me. Harbin! For goodness sake, pop the<br />
hood! You will have to excuse him. He was very<br />
attached to his mother. A little too attached for my<br />
taste. (then) Hi, baby! Hi!<br />
Her son Jonathan has a bald head, and is very creepy.<br />
JONATHAN: Who are these? You want a butterscotch?<br />
CHARLOTTE: No, I'm good. So, what are you making?<br />
SUE: Art. He won't let any of us see it until it's<br />
finished.<br />
Harbin re-enters.<br />
FRASIER: So how's our car? Can we just scoot right away<br />
from here?<br />
HARBIN: No. I'll have to drive to town tomorrow for the<br />
parts. So, what happened?<br />
FRASIER: Well, we were just driving along the highway,<br />
and then suddenly the engine just died.<br />
SUE: (to Harbin) Will you please cut out the hangdog<br />
bit, Mr. Welcome Wagon? We've got company! Get<br />
page 5
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
in there, show them some manners. Offer them a<br />
place to stay for the night.<br />
HARBIN: Of course, you'll have to spend the night.<br />
CHARLOTTE: No, we really, really couldn't. There must<br />
be a hotel in town.<br />
JONATHAN: What does this look like, Lancaster?<br />
SUE: It's no problem. You could bunk with Jonathan,<br />
and Charlotte, you could have the fold-out.<br />
JONATHAN: I'll help make up your bed...<br />
CHARLOTTE: No, that's OK! We'll stay together.<br />
SUE: Oh, well, are you married? Because we don't want<br />
to set a bad example for...<br />
FRASIER: Oh yes, yes. We're married!<br />
Frasier's apartment. Martin is speaking on the phone.<br />
MARTIN: Hey, Ronee. It's me. I've got to interview a new<br />
physical therapist to fill in for Daph, so pick me up<br />
fifteen minutes later, OK? Just have a drink. Well,<br />
have another one. Really? Maybe I'll pick you up.<br />
Niles in the elevator, also on the phone.<br />
NILES: Frasier? You're too busy to answer the phone <strong>–</strong><br />
but I'm just about to interview this stripper, and I<br />
have no idea what to ask. I just hope Dad doesn't<br />
walk in and spoil the surprise. I'm already<br />
developing some sort of aversion-based mouth<br />
dryness as we speak. This is Niles, by the way.<br />
He enters the apartment. Martin emerges from the kitchen.<br />
NILES: Oh! Frasier is going to split a case of oloroso with<br />
me because we both like oloroso, but he's not here,<br />
so I'll stop bothering you. Nice chatting.<br />
Outside Niles runs into a young woman wearing a sweat outfit.<br />
NILES: Oh! Are you here for the interview? The place is<br />
a mess. Do you mind if we talk in the lobby? So,<br />
how long have you been doing what you do?<br />
BECKY: Oh, years now. At first I just did it for friends,<br />
but then I thought, "Why am I giving this away<br />
when I can make money at it?" Here are my<br />
references.<br />
NILES: Oh, I didn't know you people had references. Let<br />
alone... the mayor?<br />
BECKY: Yeah. I started with him, and now I do most of<br />
the city council.<br />
NILES: Well, that's good enough for me. You're hired.<br />
BECKY: Shouldn't your dad meet me before you decide?<br />
page 6
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: Oh, no. We don't want him to see you till you're<br />
taking off your clothes.<br />
BECKY: What are you talking about? And why are you<br />
sweating so much?<br />
NILES: I'm sorry. I'm just a little ill-at-ease around...<br />
sex workers.<br />
BECKY: Ew! Get away from me, you freak!<br />
The elevator reaches the lobby, and she rushes out.<br />
DAPHNE: Hi. What are you doing here and why are you<br />
so sweaty?<br />
NILES: I was talking to Dad about my case of oloroso.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh. Well, if it doesn't clear up by tomorrow,<br />
you should call a doctor. (on her cell phone) Oh! Hello,<br />
Kathy? Listen, I'm going to be up in 1901, and I was<br />
wondering if we could finally meet. Oh, that's<br />
wonderful! Don't even call it an interview. Everyone<br />
says you're the best nanny in Seattle. Good, I'll see<br />
you up there then.<br />
Daphne exits to find Amber waiting at the door.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, wow, that was fast. Please, have a seat.<br />
AMBER: Oh, thanks. Right after this I have to go pick up<br />
a new teddy.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, that's so sweet. Well, I'll make this quick<br />
then. We're not expecting anything fancy. Just the<br />
basic burping, diapering, and so forth.<br />
AMBER: Okay, I guess I'm game for that.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, wonderful! Why don't I make some tea<br />
and we can talk.<br />
AMBER: Did you want me to wear something special?<br />
DAPHNE: Oh! Since you asked, I've always been partial<br />
to a simple white nurse's uniform.<br />
AMBER: It's a classic.<br />
MARTIN: I thought I heard some talking out here! I'm<br />
Marty Crane. So, Daphne give you the third<br />
degree?<br />
AMBER: Oh, not really.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, well, that's good. I think she's a little<br />
sensitive, you know, about being replaced. She's<br />
been doing me for ten years.<br />
AMBER: Oh! But then she got pregnant.<br />
MARTIN: Right, right. But you know, lately, she's been<br />
having me up on the table. I like it better on the<br />
floor. The floor all right with you?<br />
AMBER: It's your dime.<br />
page 7
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: Well, maybe you could show me your stuff. I'll<br />
never hear the end of it if I don't take you out for<br />
a spin.<br />
AMBER: Oh, sure. I just need to change.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, yeah, the powder room's right there.<br />
DAPHNE: Where did she go? You didn't drive her off,<br />
did you?<br />
MARTIN: No, not at all. I like her. Of course, we won't<br />
really know until we see her in action.<br />
Amber now enters, wearing a red lingerie outfit.<br />
MARTIN: You're hired!<br />
The country home. Frasier enters, carrying Charlotte’s suitcase.<br />
CHARLOTTE: You've been gone for twenty minutes!<br />
FRASIER: Harbin was just giving me a tour of my engine.<br />
HARBIN: You've got either a blown rod bearing or a<br />
loose pin. If we had a stethoscope, I'm sure we could<br />
tell the difference.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, well, you know, I'm so hopeless with<br />
cars. I know I would just misdiagnose it.<br />
JONATHAN: Friend Charlotte. Where's your ring? I<br />
thought most married women wore a ring, yet your<br />
hand is bare and white.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, it is. That's because this is the hand that I<br />
fell in love with. A hand too perfect for the profanity<br />
of gold or-or platinum. After all, what diamond<br />
could possibly rival the sparkle in those eyes?<br />
HARBIN: I'll take my coffee in the living room, you<br />
don't mind!<br />
SUE: If that will make you happy, Harbin. Shall we?<br />
JONATHAN: This is Grandma. We are having the wake<br />
here tomorrow.<br />
HARBIN: Mama loved to party.<br />
SUE: Yeah, she loved to party all right. With me as her<br />
personal slave and handmaiden, doing all the<br />
cooking and the cleaning and the wiping her sorry...<br />
Sugar?<br />
FRASIER: You know, we're a bit tired, really. Maybe we<br />
could just turn in?<br />
HARBIN: Well, help me get the cushions off the fold-up.<br />
We'll make up the bed.<br />
FRASIER: You mean we're sleeping in here?<br />
SUE: Well, there's Mama's bed. But that's in our room.<br />
FRASIER: This'll be fine.<br />
page 8
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Later that night. Frasier and Charlotte are in bed.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Did you hear that? What do you think he's<br />
doing down there?<br />
FRASIER: Well, how should I know, he's your friend.<br />
Jonathan enters and opens the casket.<br />
JONATHAN: Grandma? It's Jonathan. I just wanted to tell<br />
you that our little secret is still safe.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Well, this tops anything that would have<br />
happened at the Portland Radisson.<br />
Harbin enters, and opens the casket.<br />
HARBIN: Hi, Mama! I can't believe I'm not going to get<br />
one more hug. What's that? One more? I better go.<br />
I'm sorry I scraped your head with my watch.<br />
FRASIER: You know... he said the same thing to my<br />
engine when he opened the hood. Charlotte... I'm<br />
afraid we're making a terrible mistake.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Frasier, I'm not switching sides again.<br />
FRASIER: No. I mean writing off these three weeks just<br />
'cause you're moving. I had a great time with you<br />
today, and with somebody else it would have been<br />
a disaster.<br />
CHARLOTTE: With somebody else, I would have been in<br />
Portland.<br />
FRASIER: Come on, you know what I'm talking about. We<br />
have a lot of fun together. And why deny ourselves<br />
the chance to have even more? I know the sensible<br />
thing would be to just end it now, and walk away.<br />
And normally that's what I would do, but... I don't<br />
want to be sensible.<br />
CHARLOTTE: But we'd only have three weeks.<br />
FRASIER: I know. It'd be like a summer fling.<br />
CHARLOTTE: But wouldn't we be sad when it ended?<br />
FRASIER: Of course we would. That's what happens.<br />
You're sad when summer's over. Well, I never was. I<br />
always looked forward to the new school year, when<br />
I would buy my books...<br />
CHARLOTTE: Are you going to talk all summer?<br />
page 9
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Kitchen. Frasier is talking on his cordless phone.<br />
Crock Tales<br />
FRASIER: Yeah, I had a great time today too, Charlotte.<br />
Nothing, really. I’m having the folks over for<br />
dinner. Just the family and Roz. Well, I’ve done it a<br />
thousand times before. Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.<br />
(reaches for a small vessel on the counter) For God’s sake...<br />
this thing breaks like crockwork. Crockwork, I’ll tell<br />
you... Frasier, once again you’ve suffered the tragedy<br />
of being clever, and alone.<br />
Frasier comes out of the kitchen. He begins to set the table.<br />
FRASIER: Oh for God’s sake, Dad, would you please<br />
throw that thing away?<br />
MARTIN: Why, what for? When I get through gluing it,<br />
it’ll be as good as new.<br />
FRASIER: It wasn’t any good when it was new! It’s just<br />
an ugly, worthless pot. Oh, hi Daphne! How was<br />
the honeymoon?<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, Tahiti was absolute paradise <strong>–</strong> except for<br />
poor Niles getting sunburned.<br />
FRASIER: Oh dear, Niles. You look like you’ve crawled<br />
out of a bisque.<br />
NILES: And you look like someone who doesn’t want his<br />
Paul Gauguin souvenir oven mitt.<br />
FRASIER: Niles, you remembered.<br />
DAPHNE: You’re a bit dressed up for a family dinner.<br />
FRASIER: Oh well, Roz is dropping by with someone<br />
she wanted me to meet.<br />
NILES: Ooh, a lady friend?<br />
FRASIER: No, we’re going to form a jazz trio, Niles. Of<br />
course it’s a lady friend, you cherry-faced fool.<br />
MARTIN: So you want us to clear out?<br />
FRASIER: No, you don’t have to do that. If I don’t like<br />
her, Roz will just take her away. We’ve agreed upon<br />
a safety word: enchanté. If circumstances should<br />
dictate, all I have to do is say it, and Roz will know<br />
that I’m not interested.<br />
The doorbell rings.<br />
FRASIER: Niles, would you mind getting that? That’s<br />
probably Roz. I’m just going to get rid of Dad’s arts<br />
and crafts project here, all right?<br />
page 10
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
ROZ: Oh hi - hey, you guys are back! Hey, Martin. This<br />
is my friend Lisbeth.<br />
NILES: Yes, come in, this is Daphne and Martin. Can I<br />
get you a glass of wine?<br />
ROZ: Oh, please! Frasier has the greatest wine.<br />
LISBETH: Oh, sounds good to me. Life’s too short to<br />
drink bad wine, right?<br />
NILES: Amen to that!<br />
LISBETH: Just a half a glass, with club soda. (to Roz) You<br />
know how I love my spritzer.<br />
ROZ: Frasier, this is Lisbeth. We were just shopping in<br />
the neighborhood, and thought we’d stop by.<br />
FRASIER: Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Elizabeth.<br />
LISBETH: It’s not Elizabeth, it’s “Lisbeth.”<br />
FRASIER: Ah, like Lisbon!<br />
LISBETH: Like what?<br />
FRASIER: Enchanté.<br />
LISBETH: Right, and meeting you was just... super.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, the feeling is mutual. Enchanté,<br />
enchanté, enchanté.<br />
LISBETH: And for me it’s just been super. Super, super!<br />
ROZ: I took a shot.<br />
FRASIER: Well, I guess we can stop shaking hands now.<br />
LISBETH: Oh well, I’m ready whenever you are.<br />
FRASIER: Well, then just let go.<br />
LISBETH: I did, you’re holding on to me.<br />
FRASIER: What? Oh, dear. Dad, what kind of glue were<br />
you using on that pot?<br />
LISBETH: How could you be so stupid as to glue us<br />
together?! (to Roz) I thought you said he was smart!<br />
NILES: Don’t panic, I seem to recall that Superglue can<br />
be dissolved with acetone <strong>–</strong> you know, nail polish<br />
remover.<br />
FRASIER: School lunches! The Kriezel brothers used to<br />
glue a cafeteria tray to his tie.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, I suppose we’d better get some. Let’s go<br />
to the drug store.<br />
LISBETH: No, I gotta go. I started the new juice diet, and<br />
I got sixty-four ounces of cran-raspberry looking for a<br />
new home.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, could you put on some music, please?<br />
Just turn the damn thing on!<br />
page 11
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Living Room. It is evening. Frasier opens the door to Roz.<br />
FRASIER: Happy birthday, Roz.<br />
ROZ: Whatever. Used to be I’d go out and get a little<br />
wild on my birthday. Now I go out and get a little<br />
dinner.<br />
FRASIER: There’s nothing wrong with dinner.<br />
ROZ: I know, but it used to come with sex.<br />
MARTIN: Sounds like we got another passenger on the<br />
S.S. Ain’t Getting Any.<br />
NILES: Hello! Wonderful day, marvelous day, you two<br />
look grand, where’s Daphne?<br />
MARTIN: Who shoved a bluebird into you?<br />
FRASIER: You know the S.S. Ain’t Getting Any? Man<br />
overboard.<br />
NILES: Last night, Daphne and I engaged in sweet carnal<br />
delights.<br />
MARTIN: Did you say “carnal” or “caramel”? I’d better go<br />
wrap Roz’s birthday gift.<br />
NILES: Oh! I forgot about Roz’s birthday. You don’t have<br />
anything I could give her, do you?<br />
FRASIER: Well, let’s look, maybe one of these books... For<br />
God’s sake, Niles! I mean, how could you forget her<br />
birthday? It’s the whole reason we’re having<br />
dinner.<br />
NILES: Well, forgive me, I’ve been a little distracted<br />
lately. Especially last night! And again this morning.<br />
Oh, dear God, if Daphne knew I was speaking so<br />
indiscreetly, she’d be mortified.<br />
Kitchen<br />
DAPHNE: And just when I thought I’d worn him out, he<br />
flips me over like a griddle cake, and off we go<br />
again! I couldn’t catch my breath, it was like a<br />
marathon! I tell you, he’s spoilt me for any other<br />
man.<br />
ROZ: Niles? Frasier’s brother Niles?<br />
Living Room. The ladies come out of the kitchen.<br />
FRASIER: Okay, birthday girl, come on over here and<br />
open some gifts.<br />
ROZ: It’s a crock. With a chipped lid. And a dead bee.<br />
Thank you, Niles.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, you know, I think I left your present in my<br />
room. Niles, will you help me with it?<br />
NILES: Of course. We’ll be back very quickie. Quickly.<br />
MARTIN: You don’t think they’re gonna...?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I have no idea. Try not to think about it.<br />
page 12
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Living Room. Martin is watching a baseball game on TV.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, I bought you these headphones, so that I<br />
wouldn’t be subjected to your sports drivel. Please<br />
put them on.<br />
MARTIN: All right, I will. But only if you say it.<br />
FRASIER: I WANT YOU <strong>–</strong> to wear those headphones!<br />
MARTIN: I don’t know why you care, you’re just going to<br />
be out riding on that stupid parade float.<br />
FRASIER: The KACL Fourth of July float is not stupid!<br />
Unless you think it is stupid to commemorate a<br />
hardy band of revolutionaries, their minds ablaze...<br />
MARTIN: (puts on the headphones) Hey, you’re right, this<br />
does cut out all the drivel!<br />
FRASIER: Oh hey, Daph. My God, you look hideous.<br />
DAPHNE: Thank you. Now I wouldn’t normally wear<br />
polyester on the hottest day of the year, but some<br />
English friends of mine are having an Ugly<br />
American party in honor of the Fourth. We’re gonna<br />
toss back a couple a’ cold brewskis, watch the ball<br />
game, and not use the metric system.<br />
NILES: Hello, Uncle Sam. Didn’t you just hand me a<br />
flyer for a mattress sale?<br />
FRASIER: Listen, Roz is running a little late, so we’re<br />
just gonna meet her downstairs, all right? Dad! We’re<br />
off! See you later!<br />
MARTIN: Oh, okay, good luck! Boy, these are great. Now<br />
I can watch TV without bugging anybody.<br />
Frasier looks to the red-white-and-blue drapes on his balcony.<br />
FRASIER: Wait a minute. Is my bunting a-droop? It’s<br />
supposed to drape evenly <strong>–</strong> oh, for God’s sake.<br />
DAPHNE: You’re not going to send me back to the Space<br />
Needle with binoculars and a walkie-talkie again,<br />
are you?<br />
FRASIER: No, there’s no time for that. We can fix it on<br />
the fly. It’ll just take a second. Niles, grab that end.<br />
Daphne closes the door and the handle comes off in her hand.<br />
DAPHNE: This shouldn’t come off like this, should it?<br />
Living Room. Martin doesn’t hear or see.<br />
NILES: He can’t hear us. We’re stuck out here, what are<br />
we gonna do?<br />
FRASIER: All right, let’s not panic. You know what,<br />
maybe some of our neighbors are out on their<br />
balconies, we’ll just call out to them. Roz, how long<br />
does a baseball match last?<br />
page 13
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
ROZ: Well, usually three hours, but... This sucks, I don’t<br />
even have my cell phone. Don’t you have your cell<br />
phone, Frasier?<br />
FRASIER: Roz, I’m Uncle Sam, I don’t have a cell phone. I<br />
shouldn’t even have this zipper.<br />
DAPHNE: It’s going to be a hundred degrees out here, I’m<br />
roasting in these things! That’s it, these clothes are<br />
coming off.<br />
Living Room. Niles is a little drunk. The phone rings.<br />
DAPHNE: Coming! Hello, Crane residence. Hello, Mum,<br />
Happy Thanksgiving. Yeah, it’s the holiday where<br />
everyone eats turkey. … No, we’re having goose.<br />
FRASIER: When you’re finished with that, could you<br />
please bring us some snacks to soak up this wine?<br />
NILES: Yes, and a little more wine. Who knew my<br />
sorrows would be such strong swimmers?<br />
DAPHNE: I can’t talk right now, Mum. Dr. Crane has<br />
guests. Yeah, he’s still out of work. Of course I’m<br />
worried he might let me go. I worry about it every<br />
day. But I’m coping.<br />
Roz comes out with a baby bag.<br />
ROZ: Alice is so cute. She fell asleep hugging her<br />
bottle.<br />
NILES: I’m right behind her.<br />
FRASIER: Niles, will you please stop being so morose? It<br />
is Thanksgiving.<br />
NILES: Oh, you’re right! I should count my blessings:<br />
I’m in the midst of a bitter divorce; Maris is<br />
freezing my assets, forcing me to live in the<br />
Shangri-La, which is the devil’s own apartment<br />
complex <strong>–</strong> where last night they turned off my heat,<br />
re-freezing my assets!<br />
FRASIER: We’re all going through a bit of a rough<br />
patch. Look at Roz and me, we’re out of a job.<br />
ROZ: Oh, not me. I just took a phone temp job in<br />
customer service. I can work from wherever I am,<br />
they just patch the calls through.<br />
FRASIER: Well, now you see? There’s a positive<br />
attitude! Some people see losing a job as an<br />
opportunity!<br />
ROZ: (on her cell phone) Hello? Yes, this is Monique. I’m<br />
just lying in the tub, soaping myself all over...<br />
FRASIER: Good heavens, Roz! Is that the sort of customer<br />
you’re servicing?! Hang that up!<br />
page 14
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
ROZ: Call me later, Tiger, okay? What? It pays the<br />
bills, and I’m not tied to a desk.<br />
FRASIER: Not unless they ask you to be!<br />
MARTIN: Good news, the Cowboys just scored. Bad news<br />
is, I kinda screamed and woke somebody’s baby up.<br />
FRASIER: Oh Daphne, my bath salts man has just<br />
delivered a new shipment of my proprietary blend <strong>–</strong><br />
could you please run me a tub tonight?<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, of course I will, Dr. Crane. What would<br />
you do without me? (to Niles) A little more? I know<br />
things have been tough lately, but they’ll turn<br />
around for you. Just watch.<br />
NILES: She’s an angel. You’re right, Frasier. I’m being<br />
too morose. I’m not taking action. I’m telling<br />
Daphne I love her, tonight!<br />
FRASIER: Niles, let’s not be rash. Come on, let’s get<br />
you some fresh air.<br />
NILES: I don’t want air, I want Daphne!<br />
ROZ: Is everything all right? What’s wrong with Niles?<br />
Daphne sticks her head out and hears.<br />
MARTIN: He decided that today’s the day he’s going to<br />
tell Daphne.<br />
ROZ: He’s gonna tell Daphne with all of us here?<br />
That’s gonna be uncomfortable.<br />
MARTIN: I know, but I guess he figures he just can’t<br />
afford to wait any longer.<br />
Daphne decides to confront Frasier.<br />
DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, I know what you’re going to do! And<br />
you can’t fire me, because I quit! After all I’ve done<br />
to save you money! I’m washing my face with dish<br />
soap while you’re out buying imported bath salts like<br />
a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors’ prison!<br />
NILES: She’s an angel!<br />
Living Room. Morning. Frasier sees a woman to the elevator.<br />
FRASIER: I’ll pick you up at seven, my angel. You’d<br />
better get used to the name “Evelyn Griebel,”<br />
because you’re going to be hearing an awful lot of<br />
it around here. Evelyn Griebel <strong>–</strong> sounds like music,<br />
doesn’t it?<br />
DAPHNE: Haven’t you only been dating her a week?<br />
FRASIER: Well yes, and you know how loath I am to use<br />
the expression “she may be the one,” but I think in<br />
this case it’s appropriate.<br />
page 15
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Niles comes out of the hallway in a huff.<br />
NILES: I finally got Maris calmed down. I hope you’re<br />
happy.<br />
FRASIER: All I said was, “Maris, why the long face?”<br />
NILES: Yes, and now she’s on the phone to her chingrinder<br />
in Zurich.<br />
ROZ: Sorry I’m late. How’s your new girlfriend?<br />
FRASIER: I allowed her to climb to the first base camp<br />
on Mount Crane and I believe she’s feeling the<br />
effects of the altitude.<br />
ROZ: Is one of them nausea? 'Cause I’m getting that<br />
right now.<br />
At the table, Martin holds up the crock.<br />
MARTIN: Hey, you hungry, Roz? There's cheese here.<br />
Oh, nobody opened it.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, that’s three years old! Throw it out!<br />
MARTIN: No, it’ll be fine. Sure you don’t want any? The<br />
label says it’s “famously spreadable.”<br />
NILES: Funny, Roz, doesn’t your label say the same<br />
thing?<br />
ROZ: What does yours say, Niles <strong>–</strong> “may cause<br />
drowsiness”? I’m just having some fun, ‘cause I<br />
know I’ll be settling down someday.<br />
FRASIER: Yes well, thank God my dating days are<br />
over! Three years on the Seattle singles scene is<br />
quite enough, thank you.<br />
The phone rings, Frasier answers.<br />
FRASIER: Hello? Oh hi, Evelyn. (to the others) She can’t go<br />
five minutes without talking to me. (into phone)<br />
Listen, I’m really looking forward to dinner<br />
tomorrow... I see. Well, if tomorrow’s no good... I<br />
see. But you said you were having such a lovely<br />
time... I see. Perhaps I’d better take this in my<br />
room. … Oh, what are you smirking at?!<br />
Living Room. Frasier is reading a book. Eddie is staring at him.<br />
FRASIER: What are you staring at?<br />
MARTIN: It’s fourteen. You’re reading about Jack Russell<br />
terriers, right? That’s how many years they live <strong>–</strong><br />
fourteen.<br />
NILES: Maris has taken to her bed. This large-earring fad<br />
has compressed her spine. Where is your enchanting<br />
new home healthcare worker?<br />
DAPHNE: I just found out what that second toilet in my<br />
loo is for! Talk about a shock! Hello. You’re, oh,<br />
don’t tell me, I’m good with names. Miles Crane!<br />
page 16
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: Yes, I am! And you’re Daphne Moon, from<br />
Manchester, where you developed a liking for<br />
Nickerson’s Lemon Biscuits.<br />
DAPHNE: What a kind man you are, Miles Crane.<br />
FRASIER: Oh by the way, I’ve invited Roz Doyle to join<br />
us <strong>–</strong> she’s my producer over at the radio station. She<br />
had no plans this evening <strong>–</strong> you know, I think the<br />
poor thing has a hard time meeting men.<br />
Anyway, would you care for a scotch, Niles?<br />
NILES: Yes <strong>–</strong> actually, I’m in a sherry mood tonight.<br />
FRASIER: Sherry? What an intriguing idea. Think I<br />
could scare up a bottle of sherry. Oh hi, Roz, come<br />
on in. I’d like you to meet my dad. This is Martin<br />
Crane, and his home healthcare worker, Daphne<br />
Moon, and of course this is my brother, Niles Crane.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh my God, is it Niles? Oh, I feel so<br />
embarrassed.<br />
NILES: Oh no, please, don’t be. Actually, I prefer Miles.<br />
The doorbell rings again.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, that’ll be my pizza. Could you get it?<br />
FRASIER: You are not having pizza. I made a duck.<br />
MARTIN: You’re gonna tell me what I can eat now?<br />
FRASIER: No, I’m just saying that it’s rude to bring your<br />
own food to a dinner party.<br />
Frasier opens the door to the pizza delivery boy <strong>–</strong> Kenny.<br />
KENNY: Hi. Twelve bucks. Hey, aren’t you that new radio<br />
shrink at KACL <strong>–</strong> Dr. Frasier Crane, right?<br />
FRASIER: Yes, yes I am. It’s always nice to meet a fan.<br />
KENNY: Well actually, I’m in the radio game myself.<br />
This pizza thing is just paying the bills until a job<br />
opens up. Maybe you could put a good word in<br />
for me down at the…<br />
Frasier shuts the door in Kenny’s face.<br />
ROZ: Pizza smells good.<br />
MARTIN: Have some. It’s called a Dirty Dozen. Twelve<br />
delicious toppings, and not one of them duck.<br />
FRASIER: This from the gourmet who dumped my<br />
Cornish Yarg cheese down the disposal.<br />
MARTIN: It was covered with mold!<br />
FRASIER: It was supposed to be!<br />
MARTIN: Well, I said I’d replace it, didn’t I? And here it<br />
is, I hope you’re happy.<br />
FRASIER: “With pasteurized, processed, cheese-flavored<br />
snack food.” Dear God, it looks like someone melted<br />
down a highway cone.<br />
page 17
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: Just trying to be nice, you don’t need to be a<br />
jerk about it.<br />
FRASIER: You’re right, Dad, I’m sorry, thank you. (to Niles)<br />
Would you please join me in the kitchen...? Miles! He<br />
is driving me batty! All right, we are making a<br />
deal. He spends six months here, and then he’s<br />
moving into your house.<br />
NILES: Absolutely, we’ll switch off.<br />
MARTIN: Someone bring me a beer?<br />
FRASIER: I should have just gotten a keg. I tell you<br />
something, this is the last time I try to make a nice<br />
dinner for these people!<br />
page 18
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Airplane Cabin.<br />
ANNE: I hate flying.<br />
Goodnight, Seattle<br />
FRASIER: Just a little turbulence, we’ll be through it in a<br />
minute. … Mother of God!<br />
ANNE: This is so embarrassing. I mean, I treat people<br />
for this. I’m a psychiatrist.<br />
FRASIER: Well, there’s a small world, I’m a psychiatrist<br />
too. Dr. Frasier Crane.<br />
ANNE: Ooh, I’ve heard your show. Dr. Anne Ranberg.<br />
Nice to meet you. Now, don’t let me interrupt you.<br />
You seemed kinda deep in thought.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I suppose I was. It’s been a rather<br />
eventful three weeks for me.<br />
ANNE: Well, if you want to talk about it, it might get our<br />
minds off the flight.<br />
FRASIER: It’s really rather personal... It’s nothing you’d<br />
be interested in. So I was dating this woman...<br />
Bedroom. Frasier and Charlotte are in each other’s arms.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Weren’t we on our way to lunch?<br />
FRASIER: Yes, but then you followed me in here when I<br />
came to get my briefcase and uttered the fatal phrase<br />
that no man can resist.<br />
CHARLOTTE: I said I liked your pillow shams.<br />
FRASIER: Nice try, my little temptress, but I’m down for<br />
at least an hour.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Do you still have time for lunch before<br />
work?<br />
FRASIER: Well, my show doesn’t start till two, and it’s<br />
only... Oh dear God!<br />
Radio Station. Roz is stressing on the phone. Kenny bursts in.<br />
KENNY: Where the hell is he?<br />
ROZ: I don’t know. I called his cell, I called his house...<br />
You’re going to have to go on for him. Well, I’m<br />
not. Last time I did it, it was a total disaster! Aren’t<br />
you always saying you used to be a DJ?<br />
KENNY: Oh, twenty years ago, I can’t do that anymore!<br />
ROZ: Well, it better come back to you, you’ve got five<br />
seconds.<br />
page 19
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KENNY: I can’t! I’m a nervous wreck! My palms are<br />
sweaty, my mouth is like cotton... Hey, Emerald<br />
City, Kenny Daly heerrre! Master of the Mike, Baron<br />
of the Booth, the Man of the Hour, too sweet to be<br />
sourrrr! The doctor’s ouuuut today, but Kenny’s<br />
heerrre - filling the seat, takin’ the heat! I might<br />
even throw in a call or two to Grandma Gert. But no<br />
kids, I hate kids! Whoo-hoo, she’s in a mood today!<br />
Charlotte's listening to Kenny as Frasier gets dressed.<br />
KENNY: Who’s this coming into the booth? Why, it’s<br />
Percy Von Snootenheim!<br />
FRASIER: Turn that off! I’m sorry I have to rush off. I<br />
wish we could spend the whole day together.<br />
CHARLOTTE: I don’t leave for Chicago until midnight. I’ll<br />
come over and make you dinner. Any requests?<br />
FRASIER: I liked what I had for lunch.<br />
Radio Station<br />
KENNY: Isn’t that a great song, people? Really brings<br />
back the memories. Sorry I kinda forgot the words<br />
there in the middle. So let’s toss it to the news!<br />
Frasier sneakily enters from the producer’s door.<br />
ROZ: Where the hell have you been?<br />
FRASIER: I’m sorry, I had a doctor’s appointment, it<br />
couldn’t be helped!<br />
KENNY: Just in time, Doc. This turned out to be one<br />
of your better shows.<br />
An old friend suddenly appears in the booth<br />
FRASIER: Bebe?! What are you doing here?<br />
BEBE: I just came by to see my favorite client, and the<br />
wonderful man who’s giving him such a happy,<br />
happy home. Good news, I’m busting you out of<br />
this hellhole! Did you ever hear of Dr. Mark<br />
Reisman?<br />
FRASIER: The San Francisco radio psychiatrist? Yes, we<br />
had a nice encounter once at a conference.<br />
BEBE: Well, last week he had a not-so-nice encounter<br />
with a falling air conditioner. Anyway, they want<br />
you to replace him and the money’s huge!<br />
FRASIER: Poor Mark... what a ghastly way to die!<br />
BEBE: Yes, I cried so hard it was all I could do to<br />
stuff your demo tape in the Fed-Ex pouch. But they<br />
want you!<br />
FRASIER: Well, it’s very tempting, Bebe, but I’m very<br />
happy here in Seattle. I don’t want to leave.<br />
page 20
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
BEBE: Darling, it’s San Francisco! Do you know what<br />
life is like there for a good-looking straight man?<br />
You’ll be like a Snickers bar at a fat camp!<br />
FRASIER: My answer is still no.<br />
BEBE: Well, that’s gratitude for ya! Do you have any<br />
idea the lengths I went to to make this happen?<br />
FRASIER: Wait a minute. You were in San Francisco last<br />
week. Don’t tell me...!<br />
BEBE: I was nowhere near that air conditioner. You’re<br />
worse than the police.<br />
Kitchen.<br />
CHARLOTTE: We are such a cliché! Little woman at the<br />
stove, big rugged man with his brawny arm...<br />
Living Room. Martin enters from his bedroom.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, I thought you were going out with Niles<br />
and Daphne? Charlotte is leaving for Chicago in<br />
three hours. This is our farewell dinner.<br />
MARTIN: Hi, Charlotte. Don’t worry, we’re leaving. I’m<br />
not going to spoil your romantic mood.<br />
The doorbell sounds.<br />
FRASIER: Good heavens, I thought that you were<br />
meeting them downstairs.<br />
MARTIN: That’s what I thought too.<br />
KENNY: Hey, Martin. Oh, thank God you’re home, Doc.<br />
I’m going a little crazy, I need some advice.<br />
FRASIER: Kenny, we just put dinner on the table.<br />
KENNY: Oh thanks but I’m too worked up to eat. Doing<br />
your show today, I got the fever! I want to get back<br />
behind the mike. But should I quit my job, throw<br />
away my whole career and financial security just to<br />
chase some cock-a-mamie dream?!<br />
FRASIER: Yes! Off you go!<br />
KENNY: You didn’t even have to think about it! You<br />
always believed in me, Doc! I’m getting all messy<br />
here. Let me just pop into the powder room real<br />
fast.<br />
RONEE: Well, have a great evening, you two. Oh damn it,<br />
my contact slipped, hang on. (opens the powder room<br />
door) Do we know him?<br />
NILES: Knock-knock. Now, I know it’s your special night<br />
but my very pregnant wife insisted we come up.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh sorry, won’t be a minute. (opens powder<br />
room door) Oh, sorry! I’ll just run down the hall.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Maybe I’ll start over on that dinner.<br />
page 21
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: I’m sorry for intruding, but nowadays Daphne<br />
can’t go ten minutes... we’re late for everything.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, well, you know how Chez Henri hates it<br />
when people are Late, so I tell you what, why don’t<br />
we call for that elevator right now... and tell Henri<br />
that the first round of drinks is on me!<br />
Frasier opens the door to find another surprise.<br />
SIMON: Whiskey, please! Oh Frasier, how are ya? Oh,<br />
there’s my little sister. You’re not so little any more<br />
now, are you? I heard you were knocked up so I<br />
brought you a present. Come on in, lads!<br />
DAPHNE: Oh my God, Michael! And Stephen!<br />
SIMON: We knew you’d be here when we went to your<br />
house and you weren’t there.<br />
STEPHEN: So we took the liberty of leaving our things<br />
in your guest room.<br />
NILES: How did you get in?<br />
MICHAEL: So, lads, I tell you what... You’ve a lovely<br />
house. He’s done bloody well for himself.<br />
SIMON: That’s right, Michael. Frasier does very well for<br />
himself. Tell you what, let’s take the tour.<br />
FRASIER: There will be no tours!<br />
MARTIN: Listen, why don’t you guys join us for dinner?<br />
STEPHEN: Good, I’ll lay the table. Is this real silver?<br />
MICHAEL: Oh, wow, see, it’s a bloody great ash tray.<br />
FRASIER: Put that down!<br />
Kitchen. Charlotte's cooking. Simon's fondling her from behind.<br />
CHARLOTTE: You know, we could have some real fun if<br />
you got rid of some of those people.<br />
SIMON: Oh, just give us a minute then, love...<br />
Living Room. Frasier runs over to catch Charlotte coming out.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Who is that creep?<br />
SIMON: I’m getting some very mixed signals.<br />
FRASIER: All right, that’s it! I want you all out of<br />
here! And I do not mean a leisurely exit, I mean a<br />
break-neck, trampling-each-other, this-theatre’s-onfire<br />
stampede!<br />
SIMON: Yeah, all right, okay, I can take a hint, Frasier!<br />
Right. Look, that’s a lovely woman that you’ve got for<br />
yourself. Congratulations. (to Charlotte) Give us a call,<br />
I’ll be at Daphne’s...<br />
FRASIER: Oh, get out of here!<br />
page 22
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Three hours later. Frasier and Charlotte are finishing up their<br />
final game of Scrabble.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Could I borrow your “F”? I’ve got a little<br />
message for you. … My car’s here.<br />
FRASIER: I still don’t know why you won’t let me drive<br />
you to the airport.<br />
CHARLOTTE: No, I can’t stand all that airport goodbye<br />
stuff. This is better.<br />
FRASIER: Right. I have a little something here for you.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Damn it. I knew you were going to do<br />
something sweet like that. I didn’t get you anything.<br />
FRASIER: It’s just a hair band I found in the shower<br />
drain.<br />
CHARLOTTE: This wasn’t supposed to be so hard.<br />
FRASIER: I don’t know about you, but I’ve had enough<br />
easy goodbyes. I’m kinda glad to have the chance to<br />
have another tough one.<br />
CHARLOTTE: Thank you for a great three weeks.<br />
The next morning. Niles walks in, carrying a shopping bag.<br />
MARTIN: Oh hey, Niles. What are you doing here?<br />
NILES: Escaping. I woke this morning to find Daphne’s<br />
brothers playing a game called “I Can Reach It From<br />
Here.” Give you a hint, the “It” was a toilet. And<br />
there were no winners. Oh, also I stopped by to see<br />
how Frasier’s holding up.<br />
MARTIN: Well, he was asleep when I got home, and he’s<br />
still in bed.<br />
NILES: He’s probably depressed. I’m sure this whole<br />
Charlotte thing has got him bereft... Frasier, I<br />
brought you some of those cookies you like.<br />
MARTIN: I made you a little breakfast.<br />
FRASIER: I see what’s going on. You think I’m in tatters<br />
because Charlotte’s gone back to Chicago. Well, I’m<br />
not. I’m not going to say I won’t miss her like<br />
crazy. But we knew going in that our time was<br />
limited. We made the most of it. I have no regrets.<br />
SIMON: Morning!<br />
FRASIER: Except for leaving that door unlocked.<br />
DAPHNE: We thought you might like to join us for<br />
brunch.<br />
FRASIER: Darn! Niles and I just reserved a squash court.<br />
NILES: And we’re on thin ice with the appointments<br />
director as it is. He’s already moved our lockers<br />
next to the flip-flop drop.<br />
page 23
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
DAPHNE: I think I need to sit down a minute before we<br />
go. Can you believe this baby might be two weeks<br />
late?<br />
STEPHEN: He’s a Moon, all right! Every lad in our family<br />
was at least two weeks late. Once we get comfy,<br />
nothing budges us. Right, lads?<br />
FRASIER: Do you have any idea what he’s saying?<br />
NILES: Not a word. Apparently Stephen was dropped<br />
as a child.<br />
FRASIER: Well, I thought the mumbler was Michael.<br />
NILES: He was dropped on Michael. The idea that our<br />
son might take after them is making me crazy!<br />
FRASIER: Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane<br />
genes are in there too.<br />
NILES: Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably<br />
beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money!<br />
That is why I am taking action. I was going to<br />
wait to do this until tonight, but I can see that every<br />
minute is critical. This is called “The Born Musician.”<br />
You put this speaker on the mother’s stomach, and it<br />
bombards the baby with classical music, thus<br />
instilling a taste for higher culture.<br />
FRASIER: Huh. Closest thing we had to that was Dad<br />
bongo-ing out “Babalu” on Mom’s belly.<br />
Living Room. Daphne is admiring a new watch on her wrist.<br />
DAPHNE: Niles, look what Stephen just gave me. You<br />
know who’ll be jealous? Mrs. Zicklin from our<br />
building. Doesn’t she have one just like this?<br />
NILES: No, I don’t think she does. I brought you a<br />
present too. This plays soothing music for the baby.<br />
You put this speaker here just like that, and then if<br />
you want to hear a selection of, say - oh, I don’t<br />
know, Vivaldi? <strong>–</strong> you turn this dial, and then...<br />
The baby kicks, knocking the speaker to the floor.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh goodness! He’s never kicked like that<br />
before.<br />
STEPHEN: We’ve got a little footballer in there!<br />
SIMON: Finally we got something we can drink to!<br />
MICHAEL: Well, let’s go to the pub! (singing) We hate<br />
Nottingham Forest, we hate Liverpool too... and<br />
Leeds! We hate Manchester...<br />
Daphne leaves. Ronee enters with the cordless phone.<br />
RONEE: Marty? I just got off the phone with the<br />
Branford Inn. They called to confirm our wedding<br />
reservation <strong>–</strong> for May 15th.<br />
MARTIN: But we’re getting married July 15th.<br />
page 24
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
RONEE: Yes, but they have us down for May.<br />
Apparently July 15th is booked, along with every<br />
other weekend between now and October.<br />
MARTIN: What happened?<br />
RONEE: I don’t know, you made the reservation.<br />
MARTIN: For July 15th! (to the boys) Well, I love how she<br />
blames me! Why would I randomly pick a...? Oh no.<br />
May 15th <strong>–</strong> Eddie’s birthday. Well, I’m sure you can<br />
find someplace else.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, but we had our hearts set on the<br />
Branford Inn. It’s where we had our second date.<br />
RONEE: Yeah, we had a little too much wine, and the<br />
couple at the next table said “get a room,” and so we<br />
did. Oh, well, guess we better start thinking about<br />
Plan B.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, damn. Well, I just feel sorry for Ronee.<br />
You know, her first wedding was kind of bareboned,<br />
and that’s why she had her heart set on<br />
something special. You know, a fancy menu, swing<br />
band, flowers everywhere. You need that once in<br />
your life.<br />
FRASIER: You know, Dad... Niles and I have been<br />
wondering what to get you for your wedding, and...<br />
maybe we could just give you the wedding.<br />
NILES: You still have the Branford Inn on the 15th.<br />
MARTIN: But that’s eight days away! You have to get a<br />
caterer, a justice of the peace...<br />
FRASIER: Well, I can officiate. I still have my license<br />
from that time I married those commitment-phobes<br />
on my Valentine’s Day show.<br />
MARTIN: Ronee, the boys think they can throw a fancy<br />
wedding together by May 15th.<br />
RONEE: But that’s in eight days!<br />
NILES: Well, it only took us four days to throw<br />
together our seafood-themed “Friends of the Marina<br />
Bouilla-bash.”<br />
RONEE: Well, that’s great of you guys, thank you!<br />
MARTIN: Wow, what do you know?<br />
RONEE: Yeah, leave it to the Duke and Duchess to save<br />
our behinds!<br />
FRASIER: I’m sorry, leave it to whom?<br />
RONEE: What, they don’t know about that one?<br />
MARTIN: Just keep walking.<br />
page 25
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
The Branford Inn. A group of dancers is rehearsing.<br />
FRASIER: Dancers, rehearsal is over. Please wait<br />
upstairs. I don’t want anyone to see you until the<br />
floor show. I’m sorry, we’re still setting up. Clint,<br />
would you please go outside and tell everyone they<br />
can’t come in here until after the ceremony. It<br />
will spoil the entire reveal.<br />
NILES: You can’t blame them, it’s ninety degrees out<br />
there. It’s dripping wet… I hope our Chinese<br />
acrobats are sufficiently rosined.<br />
RONEE: You guys are amazing!<br />
FRASIER: Well, I’m glad you like it, but listen, you’ve<br />
gotta go get changed, you’re getting married in ten<br />
minutes.<br />
MARTIN: Oh yeah, sorry, traffic was bad. We got stuck<br />
behind this old bus. A church group, I think.<br />
FRASIER: Good, our gospel choir is here! Niles, go make<br />
sure they’re fitted with their angel wings and give<br />
them all a meal voucher! Roz, I’m sorry, I can’t let<br />
you in, I know it’s warm out there. I’ll tell you what,<br />
go have a cool drink with Kenny.<br />
ROZ: I just did, he told me all about his new D.J. job.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, well, good for him! I’ll come down and<br />
give him a hug.<br />
ROZ: Well, bring a towel, he just sweated through a<br />
hammock. This sucks! The softest boss we ever had<br />
is leaving. Come on, Frasier, let me in.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, all right, Roz. I can’t say I blame you, it’s<br />
like the Ninth Circle of Hell out there!<br />
BEBE: Do you love this weather or what?<br />
FRASIER: Bebe! What are you doing here?<br />
BEBE: Your strategy worked, you genius. Turning<br />
down the San Francisco job. They’ve offered you<br />
twenty percent more money, and thrown in a<br />
weekly TV gig on the morning news.<br />
FRASIER: Television... well, that certainly sounds<br />
tempting, but but my home is here! There are more<br />
important things than money!<br />
BEBE: Yes, I know. There’s power. But money can buy<br />
that. You don’t like the terms of the deal, I’ll have<br />
another swing at it. Did that old man just faint?<br />
FRASIER: What? Oh, good lord! That’s my cannon<br />
operator! At the end of the ceremony, he’s supposed<br />
to fire that antique cannon. I’m not sure there’s<br />
anybody else who knows how to work the damn<br />
page 26
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
thing. Oh... Niles...! Our cannon man is down <strong>–</strong><br />
heatstroke.<br />
NILES: Our flower girl is down <strong>–</strong> drunk. Apparently<br />
someone gave her champagne.<br />
FRASIER: Who would give liquor to a six-year-old girl?<br />
Simon! Did you give our flower girl champagne?<br />
SIMON: I may have. Well, the poor little thing was<br />
nervous about getting her part right.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, great! Still no flower girl, and now no one<br />
to fire our cannon!<br />
STEPHEN: If it’s a cannon you need fired, Michael’s<br />
your man.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh yeah, he’s a great one for shooting things.<br />
Which foot is it that’s missing two toes?<br />
FRASIER: All right then, come along, all of you. See if<br />
you can figure out this thing. Now, your cue to fire<br />
it is when I say, at the end of the ceremony, “ladies<br />
and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Martin Crane.” Got it?<br />
NILES: Is Eddie growling?<br />
DAPHNE: It’s his stomach. The poor thing hasn’t eaten<br />
since morning.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, for God’s sake, we can’t have him<br />
rumbling up the aisle. Give him some of that paté<br />
over there. Ooh, Roz! Do you think that we could<br />
enlist Alice to be our flower girl? Oh, that’s splendid<br />
news! Here, take these rose petals. You’re supposed<br />
to strew them in the aisle as you lead the procession<br />
in and out.<br />
NILES: You know what, I guess I’d better give our ringbearer<br />
his precious cargo.<br />
FRASIER: Roz, her cue to lead the procession out at the<br />
end of the ceremony is when I say, “ladies and<br />
gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Martin Crane!” (the cannon<br />
fires) NOT NOW!<br />
Niles is looking for something.<br />
DAPHNE: What are you looking for?<br />
NILES: The ring. I dropped it when that cannon…<br />
DAPHNE: It’s in the pate! Eddie, no!<br />
FRASIER: This is just our luck! When the gun went off, it<br />
startled a truck driver, he slammed into a<br />
lamppost. Now the entire roadway is blocked! Can<br />
anything else go wrong at this wedding?<br />
page 27
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
The Branford Inn. Daphne re-enters.<br />
DAPHNE: There’s a veterinarian’s five minutes from<br />
here, I’m sure he can make Eddie cough up that<br />
ring.<br />
FRASIER: All right then, off you go, both of you. Hurry!<br />
We’ve only got the skywriter until five! Clint, would<br />
you please turn up that air conditioning to the<br />
maximum? That ice sculpture over there is by the<br />
renowned artist Arthur Nudzac and it’s melting<br />
already!<br />
CLINT: We just blew out the compressor.<br />
FRASIER: Don’t just stand there, please, call a repairman.<br />
ROZ: Frasier! You have got to let these people in!<br />
FRASIER: Yes, Roz, I’m sorry, I know it’s warm...<br />
ROZ: No, it’s not the heat. That truck that just crashed<br />
was full of cattle.<br />
FRASIER: Well, the sound of gentle mooing in the<br />
background might lend a pastoral effect.<br />
ROZ: Cattle, Frasier <strong>–</strong> large, un-diapered cattle that just<br />
heard a cannon go off!<br />
FRASIER: All right, I’ll handle this. Wedding guests, we<br />
thank you for your cooperation and your patience...<br />
People, people, please!<br />
Vet’s Office. The vet is a young man named Dr. Hauck.<br />
HAUCK: Here are your pills, twice a day. Who’s next?<br />
NILES: Actually, we have an emergency here. Our dog<br />
swallowed a ring, and it’s holding up a whole<br />
wedding.<br />
RACHEL: Go ahead, I can wait.<br />
HAUCK: Boy, no easy ones today. Talk about hitting<br />
the ground running.<br />
NILES: Is this your first day?<br />
HAUCK: Yep. I’m not in Kansas anymore. Now if you<br />
hold his mouth open for me, I’ll see if I can get his<br />
paw down his throat... I’m just kidding... you know<br />
what, why don’t I just take your pooch to the other<br />
room here, and I’ll be right back.<br />
DAPHNE: He has no idea what he’s doing.<br />
NILES: Oh, he’s just new at this, he’s nervous.<br />
DAPHNE: I’ve been a bit nervous myself lately, ever<br />
since my brothers showed up. The way they keep<br />
patting my stomach and saying, “he’s a Moon all<br />
right!” And every time they say that, all I can think<br />
is, what if he’s not? What if he’s like you and<br />
page 28
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Frasier? A Moon boy I know how to handle. But<br />
what if he’s a little genius <strong>–</strong> teasing me in French by<br />
the time he’s six?<br />
NILES: That is so funny <strong>–</strong> I’ve been worried he’s gonna<br />
turn out like one of your brothers. I was sure when<br />
he kicked that speaker off your belly, that you had a<br />
little Simon in there.<br />
DAPHNE: They are a handful, my brothers. I can just<br />
imagine the hell they’re raising back there.<br />
NILES: With an open bar?<br />
DAPHNE: Oh my God, my water just broke! The baby’s<br />
coming!<br />
NILES: Because I said “open bar”?! Don’t panic, there’s<br />
plenty of time to get you to a hospital. Call an<br />
ambulance, my wife’s having a baby!<br />
DAPHNE: There’s no time for an ambulance! Oh!<br />
HAUCK: Oh my God! You know what, why don’t you call<br />
9-1-1... and I’ll just get started here. Wait, wait, wait!<br />
I’m going to wash my hands!<br />
DAPHNE: Are you sure you know what you’re doing?!<br />
HAUCK: Oh, I’ve assisted in many deliveries, ma’am.<br />
In fact, one just took blue ribbon at the Kansas State<br />
Fair. Easy now, you’re doing great, girl.<br />
DAPHNE: Don’t call me that, I’m not a bloody poodle!<br />
NILES: (into phone) Yes, hello! We’re at 1206 East Vilage<br />
Road, my wife’s gone into labor! (to her) They say<br />
the hospital is twenty miles away, can you make it<br />
if I drive you? She says no. All right, they’re on their<br />
way, now you just calm down. Focus on me, and<br />
breathe. Breathe...<br />
The Branford Inn. Frasier is presiding over chaos.<br />
FRASIER: Roz, do not open a window until they tow that<br />
cattle truck!<br />
ROZ: God, it’s a million degrees in here! We gotta get a<br />
breeze...<br />
MARTIN: Oh my God! What’s that smell?<br />
FRASIER: There’s been a bit of a mishap with a cattle<br />
truck, and the A.C.’s out. But no matter! Right,<br />
people? It’ll take more than that to mar our joy at<br />
seeing these two become Mr. and Mrs. Martin<br />
Crane! (the cannon goes off, then his cell phone rings)<br />
Hello? Finally, Niles! Stop babbling! Listen, Niles,<br />
you’ll have to speak up, I can’t hear you with that<br />
baby screaming in the backgr... Oh my God!<br />
page 29
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Vet’s Office. Daphne is holding her newborn son.<br />
RACHEL: If you can part with him for just two seconds,<br />
I should finish cleaning him up.<br />
NILES: We can’t thank you two enough. Really, if there’s<br />
ever anything that we can do for you...<br />
RACHEL: You can do me one quick favor: my Jason is<br />
kind of overdue for his lunch.<br />
MARTIN: Boy, some day, huh? Getting married and<br />
meeting my grandson all in the same afternoon.<br />
The door opens. Niles is holding a monkey under his arm.<br />
NILES: Hey, you guys! You’re just in time, come on in!<br />
MARTIN: (to Frasier) Don’t stare, you were no prize at<br />
that age either!<br />
Daphne walks in with the baby.<br />
FRASIER: Oh my God, he’s beautiful!<br />
RONEE: That twin’s gonna be jealous his whole life.<br />
RACHEL: Your ambulance should be here any minute,<br />
so I think I’m gonna go.<br />
MARTIN: (tickles the baby) Hey there, you! I’m the one<br />
who’s gonna spoil you rotten.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, you’re so sweet to come down. But what<br />
about your wedding, all those people?<br />
MARTIN: Oh, they’ll keep.<br />
RONEE: Yeah, as long as there’s an open bar.<br />
DAPHNE: (to the baby) Ooh! Settle down there.<br />
Niles looks nervous. Outside they hear an ambulance siren.<br />
NILES: Oh, I guess that’s our ride. I’m so sorry we’re<br />
going to miss your wedding.<br />
RONEE: Oh, so are we. Hey, wait a minute! Why don’t<br />
we just get married here? I mean, we’ve got the<br />
rings, and the preacher...<br />
MARTIN: Well, I’m game. Get cracking, Fras!<br />
Frasier takes some speech cards from his pocket.<br />
FRASIER: You know, I’d better condense this just a bit...<br />
No, I don’t need that... and I don’t need that. All<br />
right... “It was the great thinker Horace Walpole...”<br />
MARTIN: Don’t need that.<br />
FRASIER: Well, all right then... “Dearly beloved, we are<br />
gathered here...”<br />
ROB: Someone call for an ambulance?<br />
MARTIN: Just a couple seconds, please.<br />
FRASIER: All right, Niles, why don’t you give them the<br />
rings? I’ll just cut to the chase here. Do you, Martin<br />
Crane take Ronee Lawrence to be your lawfully<br />
page 30
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
wedded wife, forsaking all others, until death do you<br />
part? Do you, Ronee Lawrence, take Martin Crane...?<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, I’m tearing up.<br />
FRASIER: You know, if they’d let me say what I<br />
planned to, you’d be bawling your eyes out right<br />
now. … By the power vested in me, I now pronounce<br />
you man and wife.<br />
NILES: We’re so happy for you both. And, you will<br />
always remember your anniversary, because it’s the<br />
same day as your grandson’s birthday.<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, and Eddie’s! Never mind.<br />
RONEE: Eddie’s birthday is today? So that’s how you<br />
came up with May 15th for the hotel? I knew it!<br />
And you’ve been blaming the inn all this time <strong>–</strong><br />
oh, you are so busted!<br />
MARTIN: That was a short honeymoon.<br />
Apartment. It is evening. Frasier is enjoying a book. He closes<br />
his book, picks up the cordless phone and dials.<br />
FRASIER: Hello, Lilith. Hey, it’s me. Yeah, listen, I was<br />
just calling to check out how Freddy’s doing. What,<br />
a new one? I thought he was smitten with the old<br />
one. Well, you know, he gets that from me. Back in<br />
my heyday, I had a new chess coach every month.<br />
Well, I’m spending a lot of time alone lately. You<br />
know, Dad and Ronee are still on their honeymoon.<br />
Oh yes, they thank you for that very thankful radon<br />
detector you sent. Not seeing much of Niles and<br />
Daphne either, because they’re so busy with the<br />
baby... Oh! Sorry to keep you. Yeah, just tell Freddy<br />
to call me. Okay, bye, Lilith.<br />
Someone rings the doorbell. It's a Moving Man.<br />
MAN: Here to pick up a chair? Sorry I’m late. Been<br />
waiting long?<br />
FRASIER: Eleven years. Be careful with it. (picks up the<br />
phone) Bebe, hi, listen, about that San Francisco job...<br />
I think I’ll take it.<br />
Café Nervosa. Frasier takes his seat with Noel and Gil.<br />
GIL: Have you heard anything, Frasier? The new<br />
station manager. They’re announcing today.<br />
GIL: My stomach is in knots. I just know they’re going<br />
to replace sweet, kind-hearted Kenny with some<br />
ruthless, Draconian...<br />
NOEL: ...hard ass!<br />
GIL: That would hardly make up for it.<br />
page 31
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: I’ll let you know if I hear anything, guys.<br />
BEBE: It’s done. When destiny calls, Bebe calls back<br />
and screws destiny to the wall.<br />
FRASIER: Shush, shush. I don’t want anyone to find<br />
out. I’m not telling my family until this evening.<br />
Listen, I have something for you. I’ve decided to<br />
give away some of the things that I’ve<br />
accumulated through the years. As sort of a fresh<br />
start, you know. (hands her a piece of jewelry)<br />
BEBE: My baby’s all grown up. I look in your eyes and I<br />
see something there that I’ve never seen before.<br />
FRASIER: Wisdom?<br />
BEBE: Crow’s feet. Sorry, darling, but you’re going to be<br />
on TV now. I talked to my face man, he can see you<br />
at four o’clock.<br />
FRASIER: Thanks, Bebe, but no thanks.<br />
BEBE: I’m not talking surgery. Just talking a little<br />
tweaking, twenty minutes. I’ve used him for years.<br />
FRASIER: And I’m sure he’s very good at what he does,<br />
but still it’s just not me....<br />
A short, balding fat man sticks his head round the door.<br />
STEVE: I’m done next door, so I’ll be in the car, Mom.<br />
FRASIER: Four o’clock it is.<br />
Roz is talking on her cell phone.<br />
NOEL: You heard something, didn’t you?<br />
GIL: She’s ashen with terror. Spit it out, Roz. Who’s the<br />
jack-booted tyrant whose fanny I’ll be kissing till God<br />
knows when?<br />
ROZ: Me.<br />
GIL: Joyful news, your majesty.<br />
FRASIER: You?! Congratulations! Aren’t you excited?<br />
ROZ: I don’t know. It just hasn’t sunk in yet.<br />
FRASIER: Well, that’s understandable. I remember when<br />
I heard that my advice would be heard by millions<br />
of people and...<br />
ROZ: It just sunk in! I’m the boss! Who wants to go<br />
have champagne?<br />
FRASIER: Oh gosh, Roz, I’d love to, but I have to go to a<br />
doctor’s appointment. Can you come to my place<br />
for dinner tonight? Oh gosh, I’m so happy for you.<br />
ROZ: I’m just so excited. (grabs Noel & kisses him on the lips)<br />
GIL: Well. Was that worth waiting for?<br />
NOEL: He asked you a question, Roz.<br />
page 32
<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Frasier’s Apt. Frasier is on the phone in the kitchen.<br />
FRASIER: Bebe, it’s Frasier. When you get this, call me,<br />
please. I want to thank you for sending me to that<br />
quack of yours today! He screwed something up<br />
and now my eyes won’t stop watering.<br />
RONEE: Does anyone know what this big occasion is?<br />
We had plans and Frasier made us cancel.<br />
DAPHNE: We’re not sure either. He said he had some<br />
sort of an announcement to make.<br />
ROZ: Is Frasier okay? I think he was crying in the<br />
kitchen. I hope he’s okay. He’s been at the doctor<br />
an awful lot lately. He went today and he missed a<br />
whole show because of an appointment last week.<br />
MARTIN: He hasn’t said anything to us.<br />
Frasier enters with a serving tray and a china plate.<br />
FRASIER: Ronee, I saw you admiring this China<br />
pattern. Well, I’d like to make a gift of them to you<br />
as a complete set. Niles, I know how much you’ve<br />
always coveted this chess set. And I want you to<br />
have it.<br />
NILES: But this is your favourite. This is the one you<br />
learned on.<br />
FRASIER: Which is why I want it to be the set that<br />
you teach that son of yours to play on. I haven’t<br />
forgotten about you, Roz. I’ll be right back.<br />
NILES: Well, now, let’s not get alarmed. It’s marriage in<br />
the air and a new baby, it’s just brought out his<br />
sentimental side.<br />
The phone begins to ring. The machine picks up.<br />
DOCTOR: Frasier, it’s Dr. Hanning. I’m really sorry<br />
about your results. I know it doesn’t look good but<br />
I’m going to do everything I can for you. Call me.<br />
MARTIN: Do you think that’s why he brought us all here<br />
tonight?<br />
FRASIER: Here we are, Roz. I thought this art deco<br />
mirror seemed like you. (she sobs deeply) Well, that<br />
just shows you. I thought I’d get the bigger reaction<br />
from the chess set.<br />
NILES: Frasier, what’s going on here?<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, giving all your stuff away? You’re not<br />
going anywhere, are you...?<br />
FRASIER: Well, I didn’t want to say anything until after<br />
dinner so as not to bring down the party, but... I<br />
see you’re all ahead of me. Listen, a couple of weeks<br />
ago I got some unexpected news. (Niles begins to sob)<br />
Now, you see, this is exactly what I was trying to<br />
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<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
avoid. You mustn’t think of my leaving you as a<br />
sad thing, because I don’t. I think of it as an<br />
adventure. (Daphne falls into tears) We all knew we<br />
weren’t going to stay together forever. I mean,<br />
that’s not what life is about. Cry, if you must, but<br />
I assure you, when I pass through that Golden Gate<br />
I will be smiling!<br />
MARTIN: Golden Gate?<br />
FRASIER: Yes! That’s where I’m moving to! San<br />
Francisco! My new job. I start next week. Now, don’t<br />
just sit there choking back the tears. Go ahead, let<br />
them out.<br />
The end of the party.<br />
FRASIER: To San Francisco. It’s just an hour by plane, so<br />
I’ll be coming back up as often as you like.<br />
MARTIN: Don’t worry about us. We’re happy for you.<br />
FRASIER: I’m happy for myself. And scared too. But it’s a<br />
good scared. Sort of the way I felt when I came here<br />
from Boston. If I hadn’t done that, just think of<br />
what I would have missed out on.<br />
NILES: And, look what I would have missed out on.<br />
(looking at Daphne & David) God, they are so beautiful.<br />
MARTIN: And they’ll stay like that as long as she keeps<br />
breast-feeding.<br />
DAPHNE: Niles, could you take the baby? I need to get a<br />
blanket.<br />
Martin is laid out on Frasier’s designer Eames chair.<br />
MARTIN: Mmmm, this is pretty comfortable. I would<br />
have been okay with this!<br />
FRASIER: Let me just help you with some of those<br />
dishes.<br />
Niles lays David down.<br />
NILES: To think I had myself all worked up worrying<br />
that we would have nothing in common.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, I’ve been there, Niles. It all works out.<br />
RONEE: Well, Marty, we better get going. I’ve got a<br />
crazy morning.<br />
ROZ: Me too. I’ve got a seven-thirty and then I’ve got to<br />
fire someone.<br />
DAPHNE: Who?<br />
ROZ: Whoever scheduled the seven-thirty meeting!<br />
FRASIER: Well, if you really must go, all right, but I tell<br />
you what, don’t go without taking some of these<br />
éclairs with you.<br />
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<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: I’m on TV next week and the only thing worse<br />
than seeing them going to waste would be seeing<br />
them go to my waist!<br />
ROZ: Does it mean you’re really leaving? What will I<br />
ever do without you? You’re the sweetest, most<br />
wonderful...<br />
MARTIN: It’s okay, Roz. He’s not going 'til next week.<br />
FRASIER: Let her talk, Dad!<br />
ROZ: You’ve always been like a brother to me. Which<br />
is weird, I know, because we slept together, but...<br />
DAPHNE: Move over. Do you know how many operas<br />
I’m gonna get dragged to now you’re not around?<br />
FRASIER: I promise I’ll fly up for all the German ones!<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, and he’ll be here for Christmas and<br />
Thanksgiving and birthdays and... we’ll be sick of<br />
this guy!<br />
FRASIER: Yeah, Dad’s right. I mean, once I’m gone<br />
there’ll be no getting rid of me.<br />
NILES: You already made me cry once tonight. That’s<br />
quite enough.<br />
FRASIER: Right. Coffee tomorrow?<br />
NILES: Ten-thirty. I’ll miss the coffees.<br />
FRASIER: You all know how I feel about you, and the<br />
only reason I’m leaving is because I want what all of<br />
you have now: a new chapter. Who knows if it’ll<br />
even work out? But it’s like that Tennyson poem<br />
Mom had us recite for you when we were kids. Do<br />
you remember?<br />
MARTIN: I think we’re about to.<br />
FRASIER: It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, It<br />
may be we shall touch the Happy Isles, and though<br />
We are not now that strength which in old days<br />
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we<br />
are...<br />
KACL. Frasier is finishing the same Tennyson poem.<br />
FRASIER: Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will<br />
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield. … I’ve<br />
been thinking about that poem a lot lately. And I<br />
think what it says is that, while it’s tempting to play<br />
it safe, the more we’re willing to risk, the more alive<br />
we are. In the end, what we regret most are the<br />
chances we never took. And I hope that explains a<br />
little this journey on which I’m about to embark. I<br />
have loved every minute with my KACL family and<br />
all of you. For <strong>eleven</strong> years you have heard me say,<br />
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<strong>frasier</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>eleven</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
“I’m listening.” Well, you were listening too. And for<br />
that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.<br />
Airplane Cabin. Frasier finishes his story to Anne.<br />
FRASIER: We had a big party that night. It was all very<br />
sweet. We’ve touched down.<br />
ANNE: Already? Well, thank you so much, I’ve never had<br />
an easier flight.<br />
FRASIER: I’ve never had more delightful company.<br />
ANNE: I think it’s great what you’re doing.<br />
FRASIER: Well, I just know I’d always regret it if I didn’t<br />
take the chance.<br />
PILOT: Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to Chicago...<br />
FRASIER: Wish me luck.<br />
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