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LOVE IS EXCEPTION MAKING 239
repaid you for this greatest of gifts [Atlas Shrugged] with hurt and disappointment.
Do me, if you wish, the courtesy of understanding that my
self-condemnation is ceaseless.” 59 Efron’s expulsion was accompanied
by a notice in The Objectivist, a harbinger of splits to come.
As Murray Rothbard knew, trials had a long pedigree in Objectivist
society. They took on new importance as Nathan and Ayn’s relationship
crumbled. Trials were a way for Nathan to reassure Ayn of his dedication
to Objectivism. They were also one of the few ways they could again act
as one. Barbara Branden remembered that both Rand and her husband
played a pivotal role: “She more than went along. She approved. But
Nathan was the instigator of those terrible sessions.” 60 Fearing he or she
might be next, no one in the Collective dared to question the judgments
being meted out.
Through all the purges and breaks, Rand was suffering as much as anyone.
During 1967 her relationship with Nathan became purely therapeutic,
as he continued to seek her help for his sexual problems. Nathan
claimed that he still loved her and wanted to resume an affair with her;
he simply couldn’t. Four years into his clandestine affair with Patrecia
he claimed to be asexual, unattracted even to desirable eighteen-yearolds,
practically a celibate. Rand, for her part, was now reluctant to take
Nathan back. His behavior was too confusing, his indifference too hurtful.
She plied him with questions: Was she too old for him? Should they
call the whole thing off ? Convinced that Rand would disown him and
destroy NBI if he rejected her explicitly, Nathan professed his love. The
two considered every option to help him. Maybe an affair would help
rejuvenate him sexually, they wondered. Rand vacillated on this point,
telling him at one point that she could tolerate him taking another lover,
then saying it was unacceptable. Nathan vacillated too. One day he talked
of Rand as his ideal woman, the next he described a future in which he
had a spiritual and sexual relationship with her yet lived his daily life in
partnership with a woman of his own age. Patrecia came up frequently,
but Nathan denied having romantic feelings for her.
Their discussions were incomprehensible to Rand on any level, but
she knew something was terribly wrong. Nathan, once remarkably rational
and clear in his conversations with her, was like a different person.
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