Harper's Weekly 1862 part 4 of 4

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808 HAMPER'S WEEKLY. 809 FREDERICKSBURG, VIRGINIA.—[FEOJI A DEAWING BY ME. A, K.
810 HARPER'S WEEKLY. [DECEMBER 20, i862. Didkentfs New Christmas Story. SOMEBODY'S~LUGGAGE. HIS LEAVING IT TILL CALLED FOR. THE writer of these humble lines being a Wait er, and having come of a family of Waiters, and owning at the present time five brothers who are all Waiters, and likewise an only sister who is a Waitress, would wish to offer a few words respect ing his calling; first having the pleasure of hereby in a friendly manner offering the Dedication of the same unto JOSEPH, much-respected Head-Waiter at the Slamjam Coffee-house, London, E. C., than which a individual more eminently deserving of the name of man, or a more amenable honor to his own head and heart, whether considered in the light of a Waiter, or regarded as a human being, do not exist. In case confusion should arise in the public mind (which it Is open to confusion on many subjects) respecting what is meant or implied by the term Waiter, the present humble lines would wish to offer an explanation. It may not be generally known that the person as goes out to wait is not a Waiter. It may not be generally known that the band as is called in extra, at the Freemasons' Tav ern, or the London, or the Albion, or otherwise,- is not a Waiter. Such hands may be took on for Pub lic Dinners by the bushel (and you may know them by their breathing with difficulty when in attend ance, and taking away the bottle ere yet it is half out), but such are not Waiters. For yon can not lay down the tailoring, or the shoemaking, or the brokeringj or the green-grocering, 'or tbe pictorial periodicaling, or the second-hand wardrobe, or the small fancy, businesses—you can not lay down those lines of life at your will and pleasure by the half day or evening, and take np Waitering. Yon may suppose yon can, but you can not; or you may go 10 far as to say yon do, but you do not. Nor yet can yon lay down the gentleman's-aervice when stimulated by prolonged incompatibility on the pan of Cooks (and here it may he remarked that Cooking and Incompatibility will be mostly found united), and take up Waitering. It has been as certained that what a gentleman will sit meek un der at home he will not bear out of doors, at the Sfamjam, or any similar establishment. Then, what is the inference to be drawn respecting true Waiterinx ? Yon mast be bred to it. You must be born to it. Wonld you know how born to it. Fair Reader— if of the aderable female sex ? Then learn from the biographical experience of one that is a Waiter in the sixty-first year of his age. Yon were conveyed, ere yet your dawning pow ers were otherwise developed than to harbor va cancy in your inside—yon were conveyed, by sur reptitious means, into a pantry adjoining the Ad miral Nelson, Civic and General Dining Rooms, there to receive by stealth that healthful sustenance which is the pride and boast of the British female constitution. Your mother was married to your father (himself a distant Waiter) in the profound- est secrecy; fer a Waitress known to be married would ruin the best of businesses—it is the same as on the stage. Hence your being smuggled into the pantry, and that—to add to the infliction—by an unwilling grandmother. Under the combined influence of tne smells of roast and boiled, and soup, and gas, and malt liquors, you partcok of your earliest nourishment; your unwilling grand mother sitting prepared to eatch you when your mother was called and dropped you; your grand mother's shawl ever read}- to stifle your natural conplainiiun: your innocent mind surrounded by uncongenial cruets, dirty plates, dish-covers, and cold gravy; your mother calling down the pipe for veals and porks, instead of soothing yon with •nrsery rhymes. Under these untoward circum stances you were early weaned. Yonr unwilling grandmother—ever growing more unwilling as yonr food assimilated less—then contracted habits of shaking yon till your system curdled, and your food would not assimilate at all. At length she was no longer spared, and could have been thank fully epared much sooner. When your brother* began to appear in succession, your mother re tired, left off her smart dressing (she had pre viously been a (.mart dresser), and her dark ring lets (which had previously been flowing), and hannted your father late of nights, lying in wait for him through all weathers, up the shabby court which led to the back-door of the Royal Old Dust- Binn (said to have been so named by George the Fourth), where your father was Head. But the Dnst-Binn was going down then, and yonr father took but little—excepting from a liquid point of view. Your mother's object in those visits was of a housekeeping character, and yon was set on to whistle your father ont. Sometimes he came out, but generally not. Come or not come, however, all that part of his existence which was uncon nected with epen Waitering was kept a close se cret, and-waa acknowledged by your mother to be a close secret, and yon and yonr mother flitted about tie' court, close secrets both of you, nnd would scarcely have confessed under tenure that yon knew your father, or that your father had any name than Dick (which wasn t his name, though he was never known by any othej), or that he nad kith or kin or chick or child. Perhaps the attrac tion of this mystery, combined with your father's having a damp compartment to himself, behind a Isaky cistern, at the Dust-Binn—a sort of a cellar compartment, with a sink in it, and a smell, and a plate-rack, and a bottle-rack, and three windows that didn't mateh each other or any thing else, uud •o daylight—caused your young mind to feel con vinced that yon must grow np to be a Waiter too; but you did feel convinced of it, and so did all yonr brothers, down to your sister. Every one of yon felt convinced that yon was born to the Waitering. At this stage of your career, what was yonr feel ings one day when your father came home to your mother in open broad daylight—of itself an act of Madness on the part of a Waiter—and took to his bed (leastwise, your mother and family's bed), with the statement that his eyes were deviled kid neys. Physicians being in vain, your father ex pired, after repeating at intervals "for a day and a night, when dreams of reason and old business fitfully illuminated his being, "Two and two is five. 'And three is sixpence." Interred in the parochial department of the neighboring* church yard, and accompanied to the grave by as many Waiters of long standing as could spare the morn ing time from their (oiled glasses (namely, one), your bereaved form was attired in a whiteneck- ankechcr, and yon was took on from motives of benevolence at The George and Gridiron, theatrical and snpper. Here, supporting nature on what you found in the plates (which was as it happened, and but too often thoughtlessly immersed in mustard). and on what yon found in the glasses (which rare ly went beyond dribblets and lemon), by night you dropped asleep standing till you was cuffed awake, and by day was set to polishing every individual article in tne coffee-room. Your couch being saw dust; your' counterpane being ashes of cigars. Here, frequently hiding a heavy heart under the smart tie of your whiteneckankecher (or correctly speaking lower down and more to the left), yon picked up the rudiments of knowledge from an ex tra, bv the name of Bishops, and by calling plate- washer, and gradually elevating your mind with chalk on the back of the comer-box partition, until such time as you used the ink-stand when it was ont of hand, attained to manhood and to be the Waiter that you find yourself. I could wish here to offer a few respectful words on behalf of the calling 10 long the calling of my self and family, and the public interest in which is but too often very limited. We are not generally understood. No, we are not. Allowance enough is not made for us. For, Bay that we ever show a little drooping listlessness of spirits, or what might be termed indifference or apathy. Put it to yourself what would, your own state of mind be if yon was one of an enormous family every member of which except yon was always greedy and in a hurry. Put it to yourself that yon was regularly replete with animal food at the slack hours of one in the day and again at nine P.M., and that the repleter you was the more voracious all your fellow-creat ures came in. Put it to yourself that it was your business, when your digestion was well on, to take a personal interest and sympathy in a hundred gentlemen fresh and fresh (say, for the sake of ar gument, only a hundred), whose imaginations was given np to grease and fat and gravy and melted butter, and abandoned to questioning yon about cuts of this, and dishes of that—each of 'em going on as if him and yon and the bjll-of-fare was alone in the world. Then Icok what yon are expected to know. You are never out, but they seem to think you regularly attend every where. " What's this, Christopher, that I hear about the smashed Excur sion Train ?'' " How are they doing at the Italian Opera, Christopher?" "Christopher, what are the real particulars of -this business at the York shire Bank ?" Similarly a ministry gives me more trouble than it gives the Queen. As to Lord Pal- merston, the constant and wearing connection into which I have been brought with his lordship dur ing the last few years is deserving of a pension. Then look at the Hypocrites we are made, and the lies (white, I hope) that are forced npon us! Why must a sedentary-pursnited Waiter be considered to be a judge of horse-flesh, and to have a most tremenjous interest in horse-training and racing? Yet it would be half our little incomes ont of pur pockets if we didn't take on to have those sporting tastes. It is the same (inconceivable why!) with Farming. Shooting, equally so. I am sure that so regular as the months of August, September, and October come rouad, I am ashamed ft myself in my o
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RISING SU fl P-^ W ^IF1 */^ ^ ***«
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634 HARPER'S WEEKLY. [OCTOBER 4, 18
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638 HAEPEB'S WEEKLY. [OCTOBER 4,186
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646 HAEPEE'S WEEKLY. [OCTOBER 11,18
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«[WILLLIMSPORr WASHINGTON COUNTY,M
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654 HAEPEKS WEEKLY. [OCTOBER 11, 18
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•i» 658 HARPER'S WEEKLY. MAJOR-G
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C66 HAEPEKS WEEKLY. [OCTOBER 18,186
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670 HAKPER'S WEEKLY/ [OCTOBER 18,18
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HAKPEK'S WEEKLY. AT SOUTH MOUNTAIN.
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CO ? "Vl^/v W ^f^MAXW* Mooafriaf **
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686 HARPER'S WEEKLY. [OCTOBER 25,18
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090 HARPER'S WEEKLY. [NOVEMBER 1,18
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[NOVEMBEB 1, 1862. NOVEMBER 1, 1862
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698 HARPER'S WEEKLY. [NOVEMBER 1, 1
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702 HARPER'S WEEKLY, [NOVEMBER 1, 1
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Page 62 and 63: •'Now, Boys, rub out! ADVERTISKME
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Page 76 and 77: HAHPER-S WEEKLY. MAP OF RICHMOND, V
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Page 84 and 85: 796 HABPEB'S WEEKLY. [DECEMBER 13,1
Page 86 and 87: POO JOHN BULL. JOHN. "All right, ME
Page 88 and 89: t) 00 \ \ DAVIS MILLS, ON THE MISSI
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Harper's Weekly 1862 part 4 of 4

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